


In Another Life

by spectaculacularsammy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angels, Angst, Bobby is alive in 2014, Busty Asian Beauties, Canonical Character Death, Cas speaks baby, Dean's Amulet, Demon Deals, F/M, Father Figure Dean, Gadreel's cell in heaven, Grace Sharing, Hellhounds, Human Castiel, Lexi and Sam's children, Mind Reading, Miscarriage, Non-Canonical Character Death, Playful birthday spankings, Rada'han - Sword of Truth/Legend of the Seeker, Sam Winchester's Demonic Powers, Sam's a dad, Sex - though I don't think it qualifies as smut, Song Lyrics, Time Travel, Vampires, Wordcount: Over 100.000, Wordcount: Over 150.000, Wordcount: Over 200.000, djinn, fun with frosting, novel length - seriously it's gotten out of hand, several non-canonical elements, soul bonding, stomping the hell out of your feels & I'm sorry, time traveling consequences
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:13:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 61
Words: 261,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2204937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectaculacularsammy/pseuds/spectaculacularsammy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where The Gates of Hell are closed, Lexi Winchester has a great life. Sam Winchester is a wonderful husband, her best friend and brother-in-law, Dean, lives in the apartment above her garage, and she and Sam have two beautiful daughters. She's happy - they're all happy, but it doesn't last and everything she loves in the world goes up in flames as long buried and unknown prophesies come to light.</p><p>When everyone she loves is dead and buried, Castiel and Crowley approach her with their plan. With the help of Bobby Singer, Cas and Crowley prepare Lexi to go back in time to when it all began - the night Dean made the deal to save Sam. Once in 2007, Lexi realizes things have gone wrong.  She's late, months late, but it doesn't matter. It can't matter.  </p><p>Seeing a much younger version of Sam and Dean is one thing, but changing the world is another. Can she change the right things to avoid her dark past? Do all roads lead to the same place? Or, after everything, will the road take them to a new place?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

2014  
  
The phone rings out of nowhere, and Lexi lunges at it thinking, hoping, it might be Dean. It's been weeks since he's called.

"Hello?"  
  
"Lexi, it's Bobby." She can immediately hear it in Bobby's voice, something's wrong. "They found Dean, he's-he's...he's gone." Bobby's voice breaks as it comes through the phone, just barely a whisper. "I'll come get you. Be there in about an hour or so."  
  
It's like all the air is sucked out of the room, and Lexi can't breathe. She can't form words, there aren't any left now, not after losing so much.  
  
"Lexi, you there?" Bobby asks softly, gently, breaking the silence.  
  
"Yeah," she chokes out in barely a whisper. "I'll see you when you get here."

For a second it all seems like a bad dream, all of it, but then something clicks inside her brain.

_Dean's dead._

When the realization screams in her mind, her whole body goes numb, and she sinks to her knees, hitting the floor of her tiny apartment, and the phone shatters into pieces right next to her.

"Cas!" She screams.  
  
Countless beats of nothing.  
  
Silence.  
  
It seems like it's been ages since she's called to Cas, it feels like he's been gone for so long.  
  
"Please, Cas..." She pleads again, this time in a whisper. But when no one comes, when it's just her in her tiny and empty apartment, she lies her head down on the floor."Cas, please. I can't..." Sobs take over Lexi's body, and she's unable to finish her plea.  
  
Time seems to fly by a million miles a minute, and yet it seems to drag on for years. She has no idea how much time really goes by, but her head shoots up when she hears the faint sound of ruffling feathers.

Strong arms gather her from the floor, and a familiar gruff voice whispers gently to her, "Yes, Alexis, I am here. I will make this right."  
  
Feeling safe in Cas' arms, Lexi lets the heavy darkness consume her vision and turn it into a peaceful and comforting nothing.

-

Lexi sits straight up in the bed, in a full-blown panic. She feels like she's forgetting something, like she's fallen asleep while driving: shaking, sweating, and breathing heavily. Instinctively, she opens her mouth to call out to Sam, but at the last second she remembers, and a fresh batch of tears falls down her cheeks.

Sam's gone too.

They're _both_ gone.  
  
She looks around the room, taking in her surroundings: old books, piles of paper every where, and a shot gun in the corner. When she breathes in a grief-filled and ragged breath, she smells whiskey and Old Spice; she knows she's at Bobby's house.

Flying up from her bed and tearing down the stairs, Lexi looks around for signs of anybody: Bobby, Cas, Crowley, Jody....anybody. But all she finds is Bobby passed out on the rickety old couch by his desk with an empty tumbler on his chest, and a bottle of "old rot gut" on the floor by his side.  
  
Carefully snatching the tumbler off Bobby's chest and the plastic bottle from the floor, she pours herself a Dean-worthy sized helping, walks over to the window to look out at Singer Salvage and the charred black patch of land off in the distance.

She looks out the window for only a few moments before she's forced to turn away from the painful view; there's just too many memories and they're just too fresh. Trying to drown it all out, she shoots the contents of her glass which makes her whine and grumble a pained, "Fuck," under her breath when she almost gags the whiskey back up. It takes only a moment before she's confident the booze will stay down where it belongs, and she pours another helping, which she proceeds to shoot immediately. It goes down much easier that the first, so she promptly shoots a third and then a fourth.

Soon the warmth spreads from her throat to her belly and then to her face, but barely touches the dull ache inside her. With slightly blurry vision and extremely wobbly legs, Lexi staggers over to the saggy recliner next to Bobby's couch and flops down with a grunt. Once she's settled, she knows she's not going to be able to get back up, not with the amount of booze sloshing around in her body and the short amount of time in which it was consumed, so she makes the best of a shitty situation and sloppily pours herself another shot which she tosses back like a pro.  
  
"Woulda pegged you for more of a tequila gal, myself," Bobby says out of nowhere, sitting up from his couch.  
  
"Not t'day," Lexi slurs, her ability to give a fuck long since gone. "T'day Bobby S'ngr, we drink wha'ever t'hell yagot." Bobby opens his mouth to protest, but is interrupted when Lexi raises her hand. "Jus gimme aday, jussss one."  
  
Bobby gets up from the couch and walks over to his desk. He digs in the bottom drawer, where he retrieves a second tumbler and two more plastic bottles of amber liquid. He holds them up, as if to silently say, _If we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it._  
  
Lexi clumsily snaps her fingers and points to his spot on the end of the couch, next to her chair. She pours the remaining contents of her bottle directly into her mouth and swallows it down like water. Bobby sees this and lifts a questioning eyebrow at her, to which she replies, "Fucktheglass, s'juss slowin' me down."

Bobby and Lexi have lost so much in the recent past, and it's too overwhelming to even begin to process, so together they drink themselves into oblivion in complete silence.  
  
Every once in awhile there is a snicker let out or a fallen tear, as they individually recall their times with the Winchester boys. When this happens Bobby and Lexi look at each other, shake their heads in sadness, grief, and disbelief, then toss back yet another glass of whiskey. This goes on until they hear the rustling of feathers and smell the faint smell of sulfur.  
  
Out of now where, just like he's always done, Cas is standing in front of them, and it's clear by the look on his face he desperately wishes to admonish them for their state, but he doesn't. He simply says, "I have brought reinforcements," in his traditional matter-of-fact way.

Lexi and Bobby don't know this, but Cas has a plan, even a back-up plan; the Winchesters taught him well. Cas just wishes he would have learned sooner, but he will fix this. One way other another, he _will_ make this right.  
  
Lexi opens her mouth to say something sarcastic to the angel about how there are no reinforcements left, but she stops herself when she notices Crowley standing on the other side of the room.

In every attempt to be polite to her favorite cured and former-demon, she pours what is left of the second bottle into her glass and holds it out to what now, because of her highly intoxicated state, looks like two Crowleys. The pair of the Crowleys walks over to her, takes the glass and gives it a whiff. Suddenly, the two Crowleys turn to one, and Lexi watches the lone Crowley raise his eyebrows. He makes a face that lets her know he's wordlessly questioning how anyone could, and why they would _willingly_ toss the swill down their gullet.

He shakes his head, smiles and sets the glass down on the table next to Lexi. "I prefer Glencraig myself, darling. At least something in a glass bottle."  
  
Becoming more and more belligerent by the second, Lexi raises a finger to make a choice gesture that lets Crowley know exactly what she thinks of his prissy taste buds. She promptly picks up the glass and swallows the burning liquid down in one gulp, not even noticing she's at the point where she doesn't even wince at the cheap whiskey anymore. In fact, she smirks and thinks it's actually starting to taste good.  
  
Behind Bobby's desk, Cas is digging through some dusty books and knee high piles of papers, mumbling to himself. For the first time in what feels like forever, Lexi doesn't have a care in the world, Old Rot Gut has taken good care of that, and she stands up to go over to Cas, but her feet don't quite get the message. She stumbles over thin air and almost falls, but Crowley is quick and catches her before her face collides with Bobby's hard wood floor.

"Easy, poppet," he warns, scooping her up and basically pouring her back to her chair.  
  
"Pop- _HICK_!-ppet?" Lexi hiccups in the middle of her word, and then giggles drunkenly like it's the funniest thing in the world. "You." She points to Crowley, "You err always sweet onme." She hiccups again. "Weren't ya?"  
  
Bobby snorts in his drink, and Crowley smirks and rolls his eyes.

Of course Crowley's always been sweet on her, how could he not be? Lexi is one of the most kind and caring humans he's ever met. She never judged him when he gave up his throne and title, or when he changed his ways; she should have, but she never did. She never once questioned his motives and worked hard to convince everyone else to give him the same chance. She knew all about his nefarious plots, at least the ones from the most recent dozen decades, and he would go to the ends of the Earth for her. Crowley loved Lexi, and his heart broke for her. He loved her like he should have loved his family all those years ago. When Castiel told him of what happened to Dean, so close to Sam's own passing, Crowley vowed to make it right, no matter the cost.  
  
Looking from Bobby to Lexi and then to Crowley, Castiel barks, "Could you please do something about their state?"

Castiel really can't blame Bobby and Lexi for their grief and subsequent drunkenness, but they don't know what he has planned: he _is_ going to fix this. They don't have hope, but he does.  
  
Crowley may be cured, and he may have given up his hellish ways, but he's still got his powers, and he winks at Lexi while he touches the side of her head. Immediately, she's stone cold sober, but her head throbs like a son of a bitch.

"Jesus, you couldn't have gotten rid of the hangover too?" She grumbles at Crowley as he repeats the process with Bobby.

Crowley shrugs and a sly smirk makes it's way across his lips.

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Ass." But she doesn't mean it. The pain of the headache is already starting to fade away, Crowley just left it to tease her.  
  
"Sticks and stones, love." Crowley's smirk still ever-present.  
  
"As I was saying," Cas interrupts. "I brought Crowley for reinforcements. We think that with the correct ingredients and spell, we can send Alexis back to when it all started."  
  
Lexi looks to Bobby, then to Crowley, and then to Cas, none of their faces reading the reaction she's looking for. "You already did that with Dean, to when John and Mary were young, and it didn't work. Why do it again?"  
  
Cas and Crowley share a look that she doesn't understand. "No, poppet, back to when it all started for Squirrel and your Moose, so _you_ can stop it."  
  
Lexi's mouth falls open in shock. "You two want to send me back to the night Sam is killed, so I can stop Dean from making the deal? No! You can't ask me to do that, I won't! I can't just let Sam stay dead! He's my --"  
  
"No, Alexis," Cas interrupts again. "That is not what we mean. We want you to go back to warn Sam and Dean about Azazel, and what his plans are for Sam and the others like him, in Cold Oak."  
  
Lexi stays silent for a minute while trying to absorb this, and looks to Bobby with raised eyebrows. "Is that even possible?"

Bobby opens his mouth and then snaps it back shut again. For his answer, he simply shrugs his shoulders.

She looks back to Cas and Crowley, waiting for their answers, her face and mind filled with a million questions.  
  
Cas pulls a small vial of glowing opalescent liquid out of his trench coat. It's all that he has left to offer, it's all he has in this world, and it has to be enough. "It is possible, _with this_."  
  
Lexi walks over to Cas and takes the vial from his hand, turning it over and looking at it's glowing bluish-silver contents. "What is it?"  
  
"The grace of an angel," Cas says plainly. "Mine. Not all of it, but most of it."  
  
"What about you? Cas, you need your grace!"  
  
"I have enough left to do this spell, with the help of Crowley"  
  
"Why do I need grace? Sam and Dean didn't need grace when they went back in time."  
  
It's Crowley's turn to speak up. "It'll keep you safe, love. Time travel can wreak havoc on souls, this will keep yours intact."  
  
"Will I turn into..." Her voice trails off. "With the grace... Will I be an angel?"  
  
Cas takes this question. "Most likely it'll burn up after you get back to 2007, there is only a small chance that it will take hold."

He doesn't answer the question directly, because truth be told, he doesn't know. He can only speculate.  
  
"How will I know if the grace burns up or takes hold?" Lexi's eyes are wide.  

Thoughts of time travel, angel grace, and seeing Sam and Dean again, even if they are younger versions of the men she misses so much, make it difficult to concentrate on what's going on in the room she's standing in right now. She fights to keep her mind clear and to focus on Castiel's words.  
  
Cas looks into Lexi's eyes, his face expressionless. "You will know."  
  
Blowing out a heavy breath, in a small effort to remain calm and wrap her head about her grace-laced time travel, she asks, "How do you get the grace in me? Will it hurt?"  
  
"No, poppet." Crowley smiles reassuringly and shakes his head.  
  
Cas takes the cork out of the vial and pours the grace into his hand. It flows out of the glass vial slowly, thick like molasses, but graceful and light at the same time. It's almost like strands of silvery hair, or thin beams of moon light. When the grace pools in the palm of his hand, Cas presses the grace into Lexi's chest, and she gasps as she feels it wind into her soul, into every vein, muscle, artery, bone, and every cell of her body. The feeling is overwhelming and Lexi's knees buckle, but Cas reaches out to steady her.

It's indescribable: like the light of a constellation of stars fills her soul and swirls within her heart. It's warm and light and feels... _different_.   
  
Once Lexi is steady, Cas, Crowley, and Bobby take a hesitant step backward. She squints at them, looking at them, confused by the sudden movement.  
  
"What was that for? Why did you move away?" She asks quickly.  
  
Crowley lets out a breath. "Not all humans are able to hold the grace of an angel..."  
  
Lexi's mouth falls open and her eyebrows shoot up. "What does that mean?"  
  
"Some humans aren't strong enough to..." Bobby tries to answer, but his voice trails off, and this confuses her even more.  
  
Crowley makes an exploding noise with his mouth and a motion with his hands to go along with it. Crowley never did learn tact, or maybe he did, it's just that he wasn't completely against _not_ using it.  
  
"So I could have blown up? That's what you're telling me! You didn't know for sure if I'd blow up? Wow! Thanks guys." Lexi yells sarcastically. "Now what?"  
  
Crowley rolls his eyes, but he and Cas quickly start the ritual. They explain the risks and side affects that Lexi will deal with.

The magic that the angel and demon work together will cost her her 2007 self's life - another version of herself is the key ingredient. Because of this, there is only one shot; if it works or doesn't, she won't be able to come back, she'll be stuck in 2007, and there will be no one to help her. Bobby won't know how to help, Crowley will be just a Cross Road demon, and Cas will be God's little soldier, set on Heaven's factory settings. All Lexi has is herself, and she has to be enough.  
  
They go on to explain to her the importance of keeping the future a secret, that revealing too much will do more harm than good. They tell her that this new 2007 will not be the same as her 2007, that her going back into the past will change some things. Creating this new version of the past will change her fate, it will change everyone's fate. Upon doing this, her 2014, the 2014 she's standing in right now, will never happen, not exactly. Things will be different, little things, big things, everything will change.

She purses her lips and thinks, _how can it get worse than this?_ Lexi and Bobby share a look, and they know they're thinking the same thing.

She looks to Cas and then to Crowley, "I've already got your grace in me, just do it."

Bobby packs her a weapons bag with a few books, John Winchester's journal, and a huge wad of cash.

He hugs her tightly and whispers, "Good luck, Lexi, and if you need me for anything, anything at all, just say the word _Rumsfeld,_ and I'll believe every word you say." After a moment he pulls out of the embrace, their hands still in each others, and Bobby spins the small gold wedding band on Lexi's left ring finger. "Save our boys."  
  
Cas hands her a wrinkled piece of thick paper. Lexi looks at it and there are several lines of Latin scrawled across it's length, a list of ingredients and items needed to complete a ritual. _"to bond souls...must be of free will...only broken by betrayal..."_  
  
"A bonding ritual?" Lexi looks to Castiel, "Why do I need this?"  
  
"It might become of some use to you," He says cryptically.

This is his back-up plan.  
  
Lexi shoves the paper in her pocket and steps into the chalk circle on Bobby's hardwood floor. For just a second, she looks around Bobby's house, knowing it'll be the last time she'll be in this life.

Crowley comes up to her and brushes the hair out of her face. With a smirk on his face he offers his own bit of advice, "I know you know how to find me when you get there, but don't. Just stay away from me, darling; your soul is far too precious to be dealing with the likes of me." 

After a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, Crowley walks to Cas' side and they start the spell. To Lexi, their Enochian sounds a million miles away and inside Lexi's head all at the same time. With one last glance toward Bobby, Lexi closes her eyes and reminds herself of her mission: save Sam and Dean.

In one second she's in Bobby's house, then in another she is no where, and then all of a sudden she's stumbling as her feet hit solid ground. When she opens her eyes, she's standing in front of a motel door.

 _Is this where I'm supposed to be_ , she wonders.

Voices come out of the room, but they're not Sam and Dean's voices. She listens for a little bit more, and then hears the sound of someone being punched, which is then followed by a voice she recognizes as her husband's. 

_Sam is here, but where the hell is Dean?_


	2. Chapter 2

2007  
  
The first voice that isn't Sam's, comes muffled through the door, talks about being sent from God to find Sam, and that Sam is the anti-Christ and must be killed.

It all comes flooding back to Lexi; she's read about this, she knows where she is, _when_ she is, and it's not where she's supposed to be. It doesn't matter though.  

It can't matter.  

This is where - when - she is, and this is what she gets. Her next move is going to change everything, Lexi just hopes it's the right things.  
  
She kicks the motel door open, gun in one hand, her bag gripped tightly in the other. Sam is duct taped to a chair, and his mouth falls open at the sight of her, but she can't think about that. She can't think about how long it's been since she's seen Sam, or how much she misses him.  
  
Creedy jumps back, but Kubrick isn't going anywhere; he's got his crazy-holy-mission-from-God-bullshit.

"Get away from him," Lexi orders calmly, pointing her gun at Kubrick, tossing her bag aside. Creedy backs away, his hands up. Kubrick opens his mouth to say some religious crap, but Lexi interrupts him, "I said, get away from him," she repeats harshly.  
  
Kubrick laughs and raises his gun, pointing it directly at Lexi. Not wasting any time, she shoots him, barely grazing him. He's fine; he'll need some soap and water and maybe a band-aid. Kubrick drops the gun.  
  
"I said, get away from him," Lexi repeats herself for a third time. "Please," she adds sickeningly sweet, filled with sarcasm and a slight bat of her eyelashes to go along with it.  
  
Creedy quickly helps Kubrick out of the motel room, blood running down his body and soaking into the cheap, already filthy motel room carpet.

"Don't think this is over, we will find you. God will lead me to you." Kubrick tosses over his shoulder, a warning to Sam.  
  
Lexi mutters, "No, He won't," and rolls her eyes, kicking the door shut behind them and locks all the locks.  
  
Sam's mouth is still agape and as Lexi approaches him.  When she pulls a knife from here jacket, Sam's eyes widen. "Don't worry, Sam. I'm not going to hurt you."  
  
Lexi cuts Sam free from the duct tape, and he stands up to back away from her, but trips on his untied shoelace and takes a header into the table, knocking himself unconscious.  
  
"Damn curse." Lexi mutters, then smirks. "You lost your shoe."

Sam is out cold, and for awhile she just smooths his hair out of his face, and sits next to him just admiring him. "You look so young," Lexi whispers.

Reaching into her bag, she pulls out John Winchester's leather bound journal, now thick, barely able to buckle closed anymore, from additions over the years, and flips to a crinkled, yellowed page.

She whispers a spell, hopefully fast enough and the motel front desk hasn't called the police about the gun shot yet. It's just a little spell she picked up along the way to help in situations such as this, erasing the last ninety seconds of the everybody in a five yard radius. Unfortunately, Sam is included in this, but it's better than the police being called, and Lexi being hauled off to jail.  
  
Quickly flipping to another old and crinkled page, she finds a page Bobby wrote down for the boys, years ago, knowing it might work to de-curse Sam. She recites the Latin and leans back against the legs of the chair, waiting for Sam to wake up.  
  
She thinks back, trying to remember the stories Sam and Dean used to tell her when they'd had too much to drink. _This isn't where I'm supposed to be, they got it wrong. I'm too late._  
  
Kneeling on the floor next to an unconscious Sam, Lexi prays to Castiel. She doesn't know if her Cas will be able to hear her but she decides it's worth a shot.

"Castiel, if you can hear me, please. It went wrong, I'm too late. Dean already made the deal. Everything is already happening. I can't stop it. It's too late. Please tell me what to do. I have to save them. I have to."

She quietly sits and waits for Cas to come, he doesn't, but Sam stirs on the floor. Lexi lifts his head into her lap, gently smoothing his hair from his sweaty forehead. It's been so long...  
  
"Sam, are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I think so," Sam rubs his head, his eyes meeting Lexi's. "Wait--who the hell are you?" Sam yells at her, hustling to move away.  
  
"Calm down, I can explain."  
  
Sam lunges for Kubrick's gun on the floor and points it at Lexi. "Explain."  
  
"You're never going to believe me," Lexi starts. Sam stays silent, so she continues, "I'm from the future," she winces a little, but and looks up at Sam to see his reaction. "I'm from _your_ future."  
  
Sam stays silent, his face stone cold, no emotion. Just like his father taught him when he was a boy, D _on't let them know what you're thinking, son, let them give the information to you._  
  
"Look, Sam. I'm not a demon, or a shape shifter. I'm human, I swear, you can test anything you want. I have holy water, a silver knife, but if you can trust Ruby, who is a God-damn demon, Sam, you should be able to trust me."  
  
"I don't trust Ruby." Sam growls with a glare on his face that is hard as nails.  
  
"Can I get that in writing?" Lexi sasses, half smiling, completely ignoring Sam's bitch face.  
  
Sam cocks an eyebrow at her and starts to ask what she means.  
  
"Nothing, never mind."  
  
Sam stays silent, frowning. He's barely told Dean about Ruby. There really isn't anything to tell, she's a demon who apparently likes Sam because he's tall and has an addiction for french fries with plenty of ketchup. He sure as hell doesn't trust her. He does, however, plan on using her to save his brother.  
  
"Where do you want me to start?" Lexi sighs and rolls her eyes at the Sam in front of her.

She's seen her-Sam throw that exact same look at his big brother when Dean would give him shit about over-cooking the burgers on the grill. Sam never did cook very well, he never really had to learn, she supposes. She always cooked for Sam when they were married. Sam was a horrible cook.  
  
"Your name." He says curtly.  
  
"Lexi."

For just a second she expects to see some recognition in Sam's eyes, like he would some how know who she is, he doesn't. He just looks at her with the same harsh look, the look he learned from Dean.  
  
"Drink the holy water." Sam pauses, "Lexi," gun still aimed at her.  
  
She rolls her eyes and slowly reaches into her jacket pocket to pull out a flask. She grabs the salt shaker off of the table and sprinkles some of that in the flask too, then pours the liquid into her open mouth, so he can see, "Happy?" she winces at the taste of salty, stale and warm water.  
  
"Where's the silver knife?" Sam growls, his eyes flicking from her face to the pockets of her jacket and briefly down to her left hand, where he notices the simple gold band wrapped around her ring finger.  
  
Lexi sighs and reaches down into her boot. She pulls a silver knife out and slowly and puts it to her forearm, dragging the sharp blade into her arm just enough to draw blood, wincing and dragging a breath in sharply. Her eyes are locked onto Sam's, trying to convey her seriousness, but in all reality her eyes are glued to his hazel eyes because she can't bring herself to look away. She's scared if she does, he won't be there when she looks back.  
  
Sam tosses her a blue bandana from his pocket, she wipes the blade clean and shoves it back in her boot and wraps the bandana around her arm.  
  
"What now?" Lexi asks Sam.  
  
"We wait for Dean." he grunts at her as he sits down in a chair.  
  
"Sam, he's in Queens, getting the foot. He's not going to be back for a while yet."  
  
He looks at her, in shock. _How in the hell..._  
  
"I'm not lying, I'm from the future." She starts with him leaving Stanford, all they way up until that moment.  
  
"And you can't stop it...Dean going to hell?" Sam asks, still unable to believe her but she knows so much. She knows _everything_.  
  
"I don't think so, no, not now," Lexi whispers. "I was supposed to come back before you died, before Dean made the deal, to warn you about Jake, so all this wouldn't happen, but things didn't work out...they went wrong," she says wiping a tear before it falls down her cheek.  
  
Sam notices and softens his voice, "How do you know me, in the future?"  
  
"Sam...I can't. I can't tell you," she shakes her head remorsefully, but Sam can tell she's dying to spill everything.  
  
"Lexi," Sam lays, what Dean calls _the puppy dog eyes,_ on her, taking extra care that his hazel-green eyes meet Lexi's blue ones, "Please..."  
  
She knows what Sam's doing, knows he's doing this to get her to open up, and it's a look she never been able to resist. "I'm...I'm your-"  
  
Dean bursts into the room. "I got the foot Sammy!" he exclaims proudly, "Wait. Who the fu-who the hell is that?"  
  
"Dammit." Lexi mutters. She was hoping to gain Sam's trust before Dean came back. _Of course_ , she's wanted to see Dean, but she's heard stories about this-Dean... He's not _her-Dean._  
  
"You're damn right, _dammit!_ Who the hell are you!" Dean yells.  
  
"She says she's from the future." Sam says, throwing his arms up in the air. As soon as he says it aloud, he realizes how ridiculous it sounds.  
  
"She's from the future? Oh that makes sense, Sammy! What, did she hot wire a Delorian and hover board her way back here?" Dean wonders if the curse from the foot scrambled his little brother's brains because who in the hell would believe someone could travel through time?  
  
"I don't know Dean, that's just what she said."  
  
"SHE has a name and SHE is sitting right here!" Lexi interrupts. "I already did all your little tests for Sam, salted holy water, silver knife. I swear, I'm telling you the truth!"  
  
"Dean, I think she is, she knows everything," Sam offers and then pauses. "She knows about hell, about your deal...about Cold Oak."  
  
"So do demons Sammy, she could be working with the damn things for all we---"  
  
Insinuating that Lexi is working with demons, pisses her off. If Dean wants to be a dick, she knows exactly what buttons to push; best friends always do. "Rhonda Hurley!" She yells, interrupting him.  
  
Dean freezes and turns on his heel, "What?"

Sam's face contorts in confusion.  
  
Lexi smiles, she's got him. "Rhonda Hurley, she made you try on --."  
  
"Okay, enough!" Dean stops her, putting a hand up, his face red. _How in the holy fuck could she know about that?_  
  
"You liked it," she whispers, grinning at Dean.  
  
Dean shakes his head, " _Oh_ , I think I'm gonna like you." He laughs darkly.  
  
"You do." She grins.  
  
Sam stops and whips his head around, "Wait! You said, you can't stop it. You said Dean is going to hell, no matter what. So how does he know you?"  
  
_Shit. Stall, stall, stall!_ "Don't you guys have a rabbit's foot to torch? Isn't Bela going to be on your ass any second to get it back?" Lexi quickly changes the subject. They technically don't need to do the ritual, Sam was decursed with Bobby's incantation, but they don't need to know that. They do, however, still need to destroy the foot.  
  
"Son of a bitch, yeah. Don't think we're done here...." Dean stops, forgetting the time traveling woman's name.  
  
"Lexi."  
  
"Yeah, whatever." Dean looks around the motel room. A broken chair, bullet hole in the wall and blood already drying on the nasty ass carpet, "There goes our damn damage deposit!" and he stomps out of the motel room and she follows him closely.  
  
"Lexi," Sam calls out to her, and she turns around to face him. "How do you know me?" His eyes plead down on her, silently begging her to spill her secret.  
  
A sigh falls from Lexi's mouth, and her hand reaches up to touch Sam's cheek tenderly. "I promise, I will tell you everything."

Sam's mouth falls open, and he watches her walk out of the motel room. 

She climbs in the back seat of the Impala, inhaling it's familiar smell and noticing that the seats are much less worn than they were the last time she sat in the backseat. So many memories flood back into her mind, but before she can finish her stroll down memory lane, she hears a loud crack and feels a pain in the back of her head.

Everything goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

While Lexi is unconscious in the backseat of the Impala, Sam and Dean follow Bobby's careful instructions to decurse Sam and destroy the foot. Thankfully Bela isn't hot on their heels, and they do it peacefully, with their $46,000 worth of winning lottery tickets burning a hole in Dean's pocket.  
  
Lexi wakes up, still in the backseat of the Impala lying down, her arms tied together, resting on her stomach. "Sam!" She calls out instinctively. "Sam!"  
  
The window is down, and Sam and Dean walk up to the car.

"Dean, why did you have to tie her up? Everything she's told us is true, she even knew about Ruby." Sam asks. He's slightly annoyed with his older brother for tying the poor girl up, but he can't put his finger on the reason why.  
  
"She knows about Ruby? Maybe she's working with Ruby!" Dean yells.  
  
"I don't work with demon whores!" Lexi growls at Dean. "And when I get my hands free, I'm gonna kick your ass!"  
  
"She's a feisty one, huh, Sammy?" Dean laughs mockingly. "Well, _Lex_ , I snaked your wallet while you were catching a siesta, let's take a look, shall we?"  
  
"Dean! No...please don't!" she begs, struggling against the ropes around her wrists.  
  
He ignores her and opens her wallet, pulling out the driver's license. "Holy shit," he mutters. "You're from 2014 and your name is Alexis Winchester? What are you, a long lost cousin?"  
  
Lexi wrinkles her face in disgust, "No! God no. Dean, don't!" Her eyes dart back and forth from Dean to Sam, "I didn't want you find out like this. I'm so sorry." She can't stop the tears from rolling down her face as she locks eyes with Sam.  
  
Dean gasps, drawing both Lexi and Sam's attention to him, "You're his wife? You and Sammy? You got married?"  
  
"What?" Sam grabs the wallet from Dean and looks at what is in it.

It's Lexi and Sam's wedding picture.  
  
Lexi finally loosens the ropes enough to gets her wrists free. She jumps out of the Impala and punches Dean in the the face. "You're such a bastard." Then, slowly, she turns to Sam, "I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out this way."  
  
"We're married? How? When?" Sam shoots of his questions like rapid fire.  
  
One of her many secrets is finally spilled. She knows she might as well tell the rest of the story, because she knows Sam and Dean both, _really well_ , and they won't let this go. They never let things go, damn Winchesters. "Four years from now."  
  
"Four years from now? No way! How old are you, anyhow?" Dean yells, rubbing his sore cheek.

Lexi smirks because it's already starting to swell, and it better be, the recipient of the quick blow is the one who taught her how to deliver such a thing. "I'm twenty-five."  
  
Dean counts on his fingers, "So, if you and Sammy get married four years from now..." His eyes roll his eyes back in his head again, trying to figure out the math.  
  
"She was twenty-two, Dean," Sam interrupts Dean's attempts at mental math. The man could remember long forgotten lore, dead languages, and the vaguest pieces of Latin, but mental math still stumps him. Sam had to snicker to himself about that.  
  
Dean elbows his brother in the ribs, "Robbing the cradle much, Sammy?"  
  
Sam and Lexi both scoff and roll their eyes at the same time, then, out of nowhere, it starts to rain.  
  
"Let's go," Sam says, tugging his jacket around himself tighter, "We can talk more once we get checked into a motel room." He hands the wallet back to Lexi, their fingers touch and their eyes meet. Sam gives her a look that she doesn't quite catch, and he walks over to the Impala.  
  
Dean shrugs his shoulders and follows suit. Lexi stands still, looking up at the inky black sky while choking down a sob and wiping the wetness from her face. _What the hell am I going to do?_

When Dean starts up the Impala, she forces all that down deep inside her and slowly makes her way to the shiny black car, climbing back into the backseat. The three of them remain silent the entire drive. Lexi spins the gold wedding ring on her left hand, as if in some way it'll help; as if in some way it'll give her all the answers.  
  
-  
  
Dean signs and pays for one room, while Lexi and Sam stand awkwardly behind him. She steals a look behind the counter and notices there are still six rooms available.

Dean doesn't seem to care that there are now three of them and only two beds. She silently decides that she'll reserve her own room later, after both Sam and Dean have had their turns grilling her for information. _Yeah, that'll be a real joy_ , she thinks.  
  
When inside the motel room, she takes off her wet jacket, her shirts are soaked through, and Dean hands her a questionably clean towel, which she uses to wrap herself in. Sam digs in his bag and hands her a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of flannel pajama pants.

"Thanks," she whispers.  
  
After changing in the bathroom into dry clothes that are ten sizes too big - thank God for draw strings - she drapes her jeans and shirts over the backs of the chairs and sits down on the bed, with her back up against the headboard, and her knees to her chest.

Dean and Sam keep sharing looks. Lexi's seen them do this a thousand times: they're having one of their silent arguments. She's about to swallow the giggle, but she can't shake the emptiness in her chest.

Finally, Sam wins the Winchester Stare Down, and Dean crankily says, "I'm going to get food. When I get back," he points at her, "We're talking. You like Chinese food in 2014?"  
  
Lexi nods her head, but keeps quiet.  
  
"Fine." Dean slams the door behind him.  
  
Sam walks over and sits down at the end of the bed. He's got a thousand questions.  "So..."  
  
"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way." Lexi's voice breaks.

Sam looks away, but she can't bring herself to do the same. It's so confusing: he looks like her Sam, he moves like her Sam, breathes like him, smells like him, his eyes, his mouth, his hands, the little mole next to his nose - it's all her Sam, but not. She's panicking on the inside, scared that she can't stop her future from happening, and all she wants to do is climb into his lap and breath in his scent, feel his strong arms around her. Just one touch, her heart aches for _just one touch_.  
  
"It's okay," Sam whispers. He doesn't know why but he wants to comfort her. She's his wife...well, not really, but kind of, she will be. That makes him shiver - for many reasons - and he doesn't know what to think about that.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Is this weird for you, too?" Sam asks, finally breaking the deafening silence and meeting Lexi's gaze again.  
  
" _Very_. You have no idea who I am, and I-" her voice breaks, "You're not _my-Sam_." She sighs as tears start to fall down her face. "I didn't know this was going to be so hard." _Hard_ isn't even the word. She doesn't know how she expected this to go, but it definitely wasn't like this. She wasn't supposed to be this late - months late.  
  
Sam moves up the bed and sits in front of Lexi. "Hey, shhh, don't cry," he whispers, gently putting his hand on her knee. "Can I see something?"  
  
"Sure, of course. Anything." She looks up at Sam with tears in her eyes.  
  
Sam leans over and gently presses his lips against Lexi's. He means it to be soft and chaste; he really just wants to know what it feels like, and as soon as his lips touch hers, he immediately wants more. It's hard for him to pull away, but he does.  
  
"Why...why did you do that?" Her eyes are wide, and her heart is pounding. She has to force herself not to jump into Sam's arms, arms that she's found comfort in so many times.  
  
Sam smirks, "I figured I was going to do it at some point, might as well be now. When do I meet you?"  
  
"Sam..." She starts, but stops and looks away, while shaking her head.  
  
"What? When do I meet you?"  
  
"You won't; not now." Lexi closes her eyes as she starts to reveal a tiny bit about herself. "The magic I used to come back here, in order to do _this_ , it cost 2007-me's life; you're stuck with me.  
  
"What kind of magic?" Sam asks, suddenly on guard again. He and Dean had plenty of run-ins with witches. Dean hates witches.  
  
"It's not what you think: I'm not a witch or anything, but it's hard to explain." She knows exactly what Sam is thinking, _Dean hates witches._  
  
"Try," he says gently.  
  
Lexi takes a deep breath, because she knows she has to be careful here. "An angel helped me." She purposefully leaves out any mention of Crowley. "And Bobby."  
  
"An angel? Bobby?"  
  
Lexi nods her head, "You guys'll meet him, soon, but not yet."  
  
" _Him_?"  
  
"Castiel. You guys call him Cas - he's Dean's best friend, next to you."  
  
"Before you said that you know Dean. How?"  
  
"Sam, I don't think I can stop Dean from going to hell, not now. Like I said, the plan was for me to come back and warn you about what Azazel was planning, to warn you about Jake, but something went wrong, and now I'm too late..."  
  
Sam purses his lips and looks out the nicotine stained window of the dingy motel room. He doesn't want Lexi to see the pained look on his face.  
  
Lexi reaches over and touches Sam's chin, lifting his face to hers. She can finally share a piece of information that will bring hope. "It's not forever. Months to you, years to him, but he comes back. I promise."  
  
Sam kisses Lexi again, his strong hands gently sliding her down so she's lying on the bed. He maneuvers himself so he's between her knees, his hands tangling in her wet hair.

Between kisses Lexi pulls away. "Sam...we shouldn't." But she wants to. His kisses feel so familiar, but so different at the same time, and she doesn't want them to stop.  
  
"Yes we should," he says, his is voice low and husky, and his eyes are dark when they look down at Lexi. She nods her head.

Together, Sam and Lexi unbuckle his belt, and then work open his button and zipper on his jeans. He pushes them down to his knees and pulls at Lexi's pants, which are far too big and slide down with ease.

Lexi reaches down and carefully grabs him, making Sam's eyes roll back in his head. If he could think clearly right now, he'd be confused because he's never seen this woman, he has no idea who she is, but she, _quite literally_ , knows every inch of his body, and exactly where, _and how_ , to touch him.

He reaches down and touches Lexi. He runs his fingers down and around the curves of her body. He traces the peaks and valley, and groans when her hips move up against his hand. When rubs himself against her and slides inside her, they moan at the same time.

Lexi looks up at Sam, studies his face. He looks like her-Sam, only younger. He kisses like her-Sam, he smells like her-Sam, his skin feels like her-Sam, he moves like her-Sam, but he's not. She pushes that last thought out of her mind _. He will be my Sam, someday._  
  
Their bodies move together, Sam pulls the sweat shirt over her head, exposing her naked breasts, and he looks down on Lexi trying to imagine himself being with her like this, probably hundreds of times. He notices that she's looking up at him, she's studying him. She's looking at his eyes, his mouth, she's looking at him like she hasn't looked at him in decades. He doesn't know what that means, he forces himself to stop thinking.

He gently reaches up to touch her face and he hair, reaches down to kiss her, and she surprises him when she moans in his mouth. He can feel her hands on his sides, back, and ass, and he thinks it's like her hands can't touch him enough, like she wants them everywhere, all over his body, to make up for lost time.

Sam groans as he kisses her neck. Lexi knows that groan, Sam's close, and so is she. "Sam, I'm going to --"

He kisses her before she can finish her words, and nods his head. "Me too."

They writhe against each other, and Lexi comes first, her back arching up off the bed, softly calling out Sam's name. Seconds later, Sam comes, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her face up to his mouth.  
  
Lexi stares up at Sam, her heart beating so hard in her chest. She reaches up to wipe the sweat from Sam's brow and then kisses him, smiling against his lips. Interrupting their lazy kisses and smiles, they both hear it at the same time, the familiar rumble of the Impala. Dean is back.

Sam scrambles to pull up his pants, while Lexi pulls her sweat shirt over her head and yanks up her pants, just as Dean walks in the room.  
  
"Really?" Dean asks, shaking his head at their mussed hair, twisted clothes, and the faint smell of sex and sweat in the air, "I was gone for a half an hour!" He sets the food down and looks at Sam with a smirk. "That's your bed." He totally knew this was going to happen. _I'm a fuckin' genuis!_  
  
Sam rolls his eyes and grabs for a carton of food. He hands it to Lexi, and he can't help but give her a slightly blushed smile as their eyes meet.  
  
"Start talking, Lex," Dean says around a mouthful of sesame chicken.  
  
She reaches into the weapons bag Bobby packed for her and grabs the journal, then tosses it on the table. "This will answer everything."  
  
Sam and Dean's eyes grow wide. "Dad's journal?" They ask in unison.

"How did you get this?" Sam asks.  
  
"Bobby," She answers plainly, forcing herself not to think about the circumstances in which Bobby inherited the journal. She forces herself to not think about how he inherited all of Dean's belongs after his body was found.  
  
"You know Bobby?" Dean demands, snapping Lexi out of her thoughts.  
  
"He helped me get here, but Dean, that's not the point." She decides again not to mention Crowley; it'll just be another thing she can't explain.  
  
Dean nods his head because he knows she's right: there are more important questions to ask. "So I don't go to hell?"  
  
"I don't know, things didn't work the way we --"  
  
Dean slams his carton of chicken down on the table and gets up to leave.

He's furious with himself. He let himself have hope. He knows better than to do that. This woman, Sam's wife, came back from the future, and he let himself think she could save him. Dean knows better than this, he doesn't think he deserves to be saved.  
  
Lexi stands up and block his path. "But you come back!"  
  
Dean's eyes grow wide. "How?" In spite of himself, hope slowly creeps back inside him. He wants to be saved so badly.  
  
"The angel that helped me get here, he saves you. I don't know much else; you don't like to talk about it. I just know that you going to hell...it makes _things_ happen, and since I didn't get here in time to stop Sam from dying and you making the deal, I have to find some other way to stop things."  
  
Dean moves past both her and Sam, throwing the door open. "I need some air."  
  
"Dean..." Lexi calls out to him, but he ignores her and walks out. She turns to Sam. "Maybe I shouldn't have told him?"  
  
Sam shakes his head. "I don't think it matters."  
  
Feeling defeated, confused, exhausted and desperate, Lexi walks over to the bed and climbs under the covers, turning her back to Sam, and closing her eyes. After a moment the ancient motel mattress sags, and Sam climbs into bed next to her.

"Lexi, I have to ask..."  
  
"Ask me what?" She rolls over to face Sam.  
  
"I saw other pictures in your wallet, pictures of you and me, with kids... Lexi, do we have kids?"

Sam's been dying to ask her this very question since the minute they climbed into the Impala at the grave yard. He saw their wedding picture.  He saw the family picture of the this woman, himself and a toddler and a baby, and he saw a candid picture of three of them the beach, Lexi's belly huge and smiles spread across all their faces. He has to know. How could she leave him behind? How could she leave her children behind?  
  
Grief washes over Lexi, and she shakes her head. In barely a whisper she says, "Not anymore." More tears fall from her eyes as she remembers the beautiful faces in the pictures she tucked inside her wallet.  
  
Sam pulls her to him. "I'm so sorry, Lexi, I'm so sorry." That's not the answer he expected at all, not that he knew what he was expecting. It just wasn't that.  
  
She sobs into Sam's chest, and he smells the same, like gun powder and soap, with just a hint of something earthy she was never able to identify: it's just _Sam_.  
  
"How?" It's the last question he wants to ask in the world, but it just falls out, and he's not prepared, even in the slightest, for the answer.  
  
"A demon," she whispers. "A demon kills our babies."  
  
Sam pulls Lexi closer to him and kisses the top of her head. _It's always a demon,_ Sam thinks. Killed his mom, his dad, killed Jess. Always a demon. _Will it ever end?_  
  
Breathing in the familiar smell of Sam, feeling his arms wrapped around her body, exhaustion overtakes Lexi, and before she can worry or panic about her current situation, she falls asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Lexi wakes up cold and alone, but by now, she's used to this feeling. She's been waking up like this for weeks now, but unlike in her little apartment, she hears whispers.  
  
"How can you trust her?" A woman's voice asks in a hushed voice.  
  
Sam lets out a heavy sigh. "I just _know_. I just _know_ I can, Ruby."  
  
Alarms, bells, and whistles scream inside Lexi's head, as she recognizes _that name,_ and she flies out of bed, grabbing a knife hidden in her jacket on her way from lunging out of bed to Ruby.

"You!" Lexi growls, reaching her arm around Ruby's neck, tangling in her blonde hair, and pressing the knife into her skin just slightly.  
  
"What the f-! Where did you get _my_ knife?" Ruby looks at Lexi out of the corner of her eye and then back to Sam.  
  
"Sam gave it to me! MY SAM! Recognize it? I bet it burns your pretty little neck, huh? Dean kills you with this knife! Stabs it right in your fucking chest! Bet you didn't know that, didya?"  
  
"Lexi, stop!" Sam yells.  
  
She sees the slightest twist of a smile just on the corner of Ruby's mouth, and Lexi presses the knife into her just a bit more. "Sam! You have no IDEA what this bitch does to you! You have no idea!" Lexi, still holding Ruby tight, takes the knife from Ruby's neck and raises it to stab her in the chest, but Ruby is a demon, and she's much stronger than Lexi could ever hope to be. Ruby flips Lexi over her shoulder and she lands hard, at Sam's feet.  
  
"Ruby, just go." Sam sighs.

Ruby listens, but is confused at how the piddly human at her feet could have her knife or know anything about her. However, she is pleased with Sam telling her to go, so she bolts out the door, slamming it behind her.

Sam feels guilty for giving Ruby the out, but he needs Ruby. She promised him she'd help him save Dean. Sam needs her.  
  
"Sam! What the hell!" Lexi jumps up off the floor and runs to go after Ruby, but of course, she's gone. "It's ALL HER! What she does to you? You have no idea! If you just would have let me... _dammit, Sam_!" Lexi's never once yelled at Sam like this, but she can't stop herself. In fact, she's actually reining herself in, right now. She's not yelling at Sam in anger, she screaming at him out of fear. She's read in both Sam's and Dean's journals about the things Ruby does to them - the lies that spill from her mouth with every breath.  
  
Sam reaches down and helps Lexi up from the floor. "Tell me. Tell me what Ruby does."  
  
Lexi opens her mouth to tell Sam everything, every painful detail, but is stopped when the motel room door is kicked open. Quicker than either of them can think, a man is at Sam's side and reaches up to touch his forehead. Sam immediately hits the floor, unconscious.

"What the hell?" Lexi screams as she jumps at the strange man.  
  
He puts his hand out and stops her, effortlessly. "I suppose you do not recognize me in this vessel," he says as he tilts his head to the side.  
  
"Cas? Oh my God, Cas!" Lexi throws her arms around his neck. "I'm so glad to see you!" She looks Cas up and down, his vessel different. "Uh...where's Jimmy?"  
  
"Jimmy is not ready for me yet, this vessel with work for now, but this may be the last time I am able to visit you until the Winchesters summon me."  
  
"What am I supposed to do? We did it wrong! Dean's already made the deal." Lexi looks up at Cas for answers, for guidance and direction, just like she always has.  
  
Cas runs his fingers through the sandy brown hair of his temporary vessel. "Alexis, these are matters of heaven now. The deal has already been made, and if you meddle now, heaven's wrath is unspeakable. You must remember that heaven wants this to pass. Warning them about Azazel's plan, saving Sam from dying, that was one thing, but now heaven is involved. Dean's actions in hell will be the first seal." Cas pauses, pursing his lips together, he always knew this could be a possibility, "I'm afraid, we might be too late."  
  
"No!" Lexi yells at Cas, "NO! That's not an option! I've lost everybody, and now you're telling me that I have to watch it all over again? No, Cas, I won't! What can heaven do to me that hasn't already been done? Kill me? If this doesn't work, and I have to watch everything all over again, I swear, I'll do that myself!" Lexi looks down desperately at Sam, only to notice his eyes are wide as he stares up at her, shocked. He's heard everything that was just said.  
  
"All you can do is get them off this path, change their course. And Alexis, you didn't lose everything," he rests his hand on her shoulder as she looks down on Sam. "You still have your grace."  
  
"What does that even mean?" She breaks eye contact with Sam to look back up at Cas, but he's gone.  
  
"Tell me about Ruby." Sam groans as Lexi helps him up off the floor.  
  
"I can't." She shoves the journal back into her bag sitting on the floor. "You guys can't read this yet. I'm sorry. Not yet."  
  
Sam frowns. He thinks Lexi had just started to explain herself, she started to open up, and now that this Cas came back, everything changed. "I heard him say something about heaven and grace, what does that even mean?" He knows he's not going to get a straight answer, not now.  
  
"I wouldn't even know how to start." Lexi rubs her forehead as she sits down on the bed. It's not a lie, she has no idea. She has no idea what the grace inside her means, but she knows it's taken hold just like Cas said it might, she just has no idea what that means. Is it's good or bad?  
  
Sliding across the bed to sit next to Lexi, Sam breathes in a breath, steadying himself to ask another question he is sure he already knows the answer to. "What did you mean when you said you lost me?"  
  
She knew the question was inevitable. It was her reason for coming back, she knew at some point she'd have to explain her story. Is right now that time? _No_. "I can't. Please... Sam, I can't."  
  
"Okay." He pulls her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her. "Not tonight, but at some point I am going to need to know."  
  
She nods her head into Sam's chest, silently thanking him for not pushing, but then realizes that the three of them sharing one motel room is not going to give her and Sam a lot of time to themselves. "Sam?"  
  
"Yeah?" He kisses the top of her head.  
  
"I came back here because...because _you die_. I came back here to save you. It's not happening again, I won't let it. You're not leaving me again." A feeling of dread fills her entire body, but she ignores it and silently vows she won't let it happen again.  
  
Without hesitation, Sam pulls her close to him. "I won't, I swear. I won't."  
  
Lexi sleeps that night wrapped tightly in Sam's arms, thoughts of getting her own motel room, just a distant memory. She lets herself be calmed by the familiarity and the comfort that only Sam's embrace can give her.

Sam watches her sleep, watches her eyelids flicker as she dreams. His heart jumps when she gently murmurs his name and wraps a fist around the loose cotton of his white under shirt. He looks down on her sleeping body and thinks to himself, he knows nothing about her except for the few details she's given him. He knows she's scared, terrified even, and just pulls her closer to him, then closes his eyes. "I swear, I won't leave you."  
  
-  
  
Her eyes flutter open gently, and the first thing she sees is Sam sprawled out on the bed beside her. He's snoring softy, his chest softly rising and falling with each breath he takes. For just a second, Lexi thinks it was all a bad dream. For just a second, she thinks she's back at home, and she almost can hear the giggling down the hall, but when her eyes dart around the room, it all comes flooding back.

There's empty food containers on the table and the dresser, Dean's clothes flung around the room and over the back of the chair, the hard bed below her. It wasn't a dream, it's all real. However, Sam is right in front of her, she made it back to him, and there is no way she's ever letting him go again.

She carefully slides out of Sam's arms and tries to get up off the bed with out waking him. It's unsuccessful, and Sam's eyes flicker open, then he smiles up at Lexi.  
  
"I'm just going to take a shower, go back to sleep," she whispers to him with a smile. He nods his head and buries his face in the pillow Lexi was just using.  
  
Lexi quickly takes her clothes off of the backs of the chairs and pads past Dean sleeping in his bed, snoring loudly just like he always does. She smirks and almost reaches down to tickle his feet that poke out the end of the sheet. It's so tempting, but she holds back. This Dean might not find it as amusing as her-Dean would.  
  
In the bathroom she stares at her reflection in the mirror. Her blue eyes rimmed with red, looking older than they technically should. Her brown hair, frizzy from the rain and the air dry and then matted from sleep. The back of her head aches from where Dean hit her with something, probably the butt of a gun. She digs through the boys' shaving bags and finds some aspirin, swallowing down a couple white pills with a palm full of water.  

Once under the warm spray of water from the shower head, she thinks of what is happening and is at a loss for how to make it stop. She thinks, _I need so many things, I need time, I need more time. I need help._ She's so afraid she can't do this on her own, but there's literally no one to help her.  
  
Wincing as she steps into her still damp jeans and choking down a gasp as she puts her damp and cold bra back on, her eyes catch her reflection in the mirror again. Her skin pink from the hot shower, her hair damp and slightly curly, hanging down her back and over her shoulders. She studies the faint scars on her neck and arms, remember the night she got them. The night that started and ended it all. A soft knock on the door brings her thoughts back to where - when - she is.  
  
-  
  
_This is crazy,_ Sam thinks as he presses his face into the still warm pillow next to him. The pillow smells differently than anything else in the room, faintly like rain, a trace of soap, much sweeter than what their motel usually supplies and something he can't put his finger on. It's not familiar, but Sam feels like the smell should be familiar. He smiles into the pillow, then makes his way to the bathroom.  
  
Knocking on the bathroom door softly, Sam whispers so he doesn't wake Dean. It's still early. "Lexi?"  
  
She tugs a still damp tee shirt over her head and opens the door, "Hi." She can't help but smile, when she sees Sam's face, his hair messy from sleep.  
  
"Just wanted to make sure you're okay," he says as he takes a step into the bathroom.  
  
"My clothes are still damp, but I'm okay," she looks away from Sam and back into the mirror, tying her wet hair up into a pile on the top of her head, "Hey, did you notice any stores around here? I need to get a few things. I can't wear your pants in public."  
  
"I think we passed an Army/Navy Surplus last night, just a few blocks from here," Sam teases with a smile.  
  
She rolls her eyes playfully. "That'll have to do. This is a pretty small town, that's probably the best I'm going to get." She's surprised at how easy this is, the playful banter between her and Sam. It's almost familiar.  
  
Sam catches her eyes and grins down on her, flashing his dimples shamelessly. He leans in for a kiss.  
  
Lexi puts her hand out presses against Sam's chest, "I know that look, Winchester." And she does, she's fallen for it many times. "Your brother is behind this paper thin wall." She smirks, "The answer is no." She squeezes though the door frame next to Sam and grabs his hand pulling him behind her, "C'mon, I've got some shopping to do."  
  
Sam huffs and rolls his eyes, pretending to be annoyed. "Is this how it's going to be?"  
  
"Yup," she laughs, "And you usually hold my purse."  
  
Walking out into the main room of the motel room, Lexi reaches down and grabs her boots, lacing them up. Through the window she notices it's still raining. "Guess we're not walking in this rain, huh?" She reaches into the pocket of her blue jeans and pulls out a set of keys, tossing them to Sam who is digging in his backpack for a pair of jeans and a shirt.  
  
He catches them with ease and looks down at the familiar key chain, "You have keys to the Impala?" He's shocked, not even he has keys to the Impala.  
  
Dean stirs in his bed, "How in the hell do you have keys to my car?" It comes out in a sleepy growl.  
  
"Calm down, old man. You gave me a set a couple years ago, even let me drive it." Lexi winks at Sam. He laughs.  
  
"Right, like I'd let you drive my car! My baby..."  
  
"Thank God you calm down in your old age just a little bit, though I never did hear the end of it when you had to deliver Alex in the back seat. You were so..."  
  
Sam and Dean turn to look at Lexi, their eyes wide at the detail she just let out.  
  
"I mean... Oh God!" She grabs her jacket and bolts out the door. She wants to run, but doesn't know where she'd go, so she runs to the most familiar thing she's seen since being in 2007, the Impala. She climbs into the backseat and locks the door behind her, wrapping in a scratchy olive green blanket that smells like Burger King and WD-40. She catches her breath and listens to the rain drum on the roof and slide down the windows. She buries her face in the blanket and lets the tears she's been holding back fall freely.  
  
Sam moves to go after Lexi, but Dean grabs his shoulder and stops him. "You guys have kids?" The shock in Dean's voice comes through loud and clear, much like the shock Sam felt when he first the saw the pictures in her wallet.  
  
He shakes out of his brother's grip. "Not anymore, Dean."  
  
"What the hell does THAT mean?" Dean yells.  
  
"A demon," he growls as he says the word. "Lexi says a demon kills my two kids, and then it kills me." Sam runs out of the room after Lexi, leaving Dean sitting amongst the motel sheets and blankets with a shocked and bewildered look on his face.  
  
Sam can see her shape in the backseat of the Impala through the back window. He softly knocks on the back passenger window, trying not to scare her. "Lexi? Can you open the door?" He doesn't need her to unlock the door, he's still got the keys she tossed him clenched tightly in his hand.  
  
"Sam, just go away, please."  
  
"I'm not going away. Let me in." The rain is cold and he only has a jeans and a tee shirt on, no jacket, but he doesn't go anywhere. He promised he wouldn't.  
  
"No."  
  
"Then I'll just wait out here." Sam says softly, leaning against the body of the Impala.  
  
Lexi clenches her jaw to keep her from screaming at Sam, to keep from telling him to go away and that he's not her Sam, but she stays quiet. He's the only Sam she's ever going to have. He'll be her Sam someday. "God dammit, Sam!" She yells as she flings the door open. "You are the same stubborn ass now as you are then!"  
  
Sam hides a smirk as he folds himself into the backseat of the Impala. It's been years since he's been back here - since he's been back here while _conscious,_ and hedoesn't fit back here as well as he once did. He wipes his face with his hands. His hair dripping, his shirt soaked through, his shoes squish - they're wet too. Lexi slides a corner of the blanket she's got wrapped around her shoulders, around his. Her fingertips gently brush the back of his neck, he doesn't know if he shivers from the cold or from her slight touch.  
  
"Sam, I don't want to talk about it."  
  
He simply nods his head and wraps his arms around her. They sit in silence.  
  
"Why are you here, Sam?" Lexi speaks first. "You don't know me. You sleep with me only hours after you meet me, you tell Ruby you trust me, you comfort me. Why, Sam? You don't know me. I could be lying about everything."  
  
She's right, he doesn't know her, but he feels like he does. He can't explain it, it's just a feeling. "But you're not lying, I know you're not."  
  
"You know what I mean." Lexi twists to look up at Sam. "I know how you think, I know your movements, I know every inch of your body, I know your heart, but you know nothing about me."

Her Sam has always had a good heart, always wanting to see the best in people, always believing that there are people out there that are good. That was one of the reasons she fell in love with him in the first place.  
  
"You're right, I don't know you, but I know me. If you're important enough for me to marry and have kids with, to start a life with, then you must be pretty special. And if I'm ever going to meet MY Lexi, the supposed love of my life, then I'm hanging on to you. You're not going anywhere." He kisses Lexi softly on the mouth.  
  
"God, I've missed you so much," she whispers though her tears and Sam's kisses.  
  
"I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Lexi rests her head against Sam's damp chest and closes her eyes while he runs his fingers gently through her damp hair. She takes a deep breath and starts her story.  
  
"I waited too long to call you when I went in to labor. I had too many false alarms and called you every single time, pulling you away from work. I wanted to make sure I really was in labor before I called you. She was coming so fast, way faster than what any of those pregnancy books you and I spent hours pouring over. I grabbed the phone to call you, but it started ringing, it was Dean. I told him that the baby was coming right then, he said he was on his way, and he'd be there in just a minute. He got to the house and helped me to the Impala, so he could drive me to hospital. We got about two minutes from the house, and I knew it was too late, the baby was coming. I screamed at Dean to pull over, and he finally did. I kept telling him that he was going to have to deliver the baby, and Sam, you should have seen his face. He's fought how many different types of monsters, but when I told him he was going to have to help me deliver the baby, he was petrified." Lexi laughs through her tears at the memory. "But he did it. Our daughter was born right where we're sitting. I was pretty out of it when we finally got to the hospital, you were a wreck. The nurse asked you what the baby's name was and you panicked. You told the nurse 'Alexis Elizabeth', which is my name, but the nurse went ahead and filled out the birth certificate and it stuck. We called her 'Alex' and oh, Sam, she had you wrapped around her finger. One time I walked into the nursery when she was about two years old and she had all her little hair clips in your hair." Lexi reaches up to ruffle Sam's dripping bangs. "She loved you."  
  
Sam kisses her hair, pulling her close to his chest. She can feel him holding in sobs.  
  
"Antonia was born in the hospital. You drove me, and I made you promise you wouldn't name this one." Sam chuckles softly against the top of her head, "Dean stayed with Alex while we were gone. He took care of our girls a lot." After a minute of collecting herself, Lexi continues her story, "It's different then, there aren't many demons left. That night," she pauses, " _the night,_ Dean got a call from Bobby, and you went with. Alex always had to have music playing when she slept, and when I heard it crackle over the baby monitor, I woke up. I got out of bed and noticed the night light was flickering. I grabbed the salt gun from behind the door and ran into the nursery, but I couldn't open the door. The door knob was too hot, the nursery was on fire. I could hear them crying for me, for you, but I couldn't save them. Before I could bunch my night shirt up and use it to open the door, the demon dragged me out of our house. I couldn't save them. I tried, but I couldn't." Lexi sobs into Sam's chest, "The demon dragged me out into the front lawn, it tore me up so badly that I was in the hospital for a week. Our house burned to the ground, our babies with it."  
  
Sam is shocked. It's so close to the stories Dean told him about the night in his own nursery. It almost doesn't seem real, but he holds Lexi tightly to him. He's not sure if it's more for comforting her or for comforting him. Either way, he holds her tightly and cries into her hair, "I'm so sorry, Lexi. God, I'm so sorry."  
  
They sit quietly in the backseat of the Impala for awhile, just listening to their hearts beating in their chests and the rain drumming on the roof of the Impala.  
  
"Did we get the demon?" Sam asks gently.  
  
She nods her head, "Dean did, but not before..." She chokes on a sob and lets her voice trail off.  
  
"Not before it killed me." Sam whispers.  
  
Lexi nods her head again.  
  
"You said you lost everything, does that mean Dean..." Sam's voice cracks. The children Lexi just tearfully described to him were never apart of his life, but Dean has always been there. Dean is Sam's only constant and the mere thought of something happening to Dean is devastating for Sam. Lexi started the story, Sam hopes she'll be able to finish it.  
  
"After the fire and after... _you_ , Dean just couldn't deal. He tried, he really did. He tried to focus on taking care of me. Bobby got us an apartment and Dean and I lived together for awhile. After the fire I wasn't able to take care of myself. I had a hard time getting around, and Dean helped me. After about a month, when I was able to do things on my own, I woke up to a note from him. He said he had to go, he had to get back on the road and kill some monsters. He apologized, said he loved me, and that was that. I never saw him again. The day before I came here, Bobby got a call from a hunter in Indiana, they found Dean's body. I wasn't even there for the hunter's funeral. We just gathered everything we needed for the spell to come here, and here I am." She looks up at Sam, "That's it. That's why I came. I've lost everybody that I've ever loved."  
  
He pulls her closer to him and kisses her cheek. He takes a deep breath, he's got one more question, for right now, "Why did you think coming back here and stopping Dean's deal would change things."  
  
This is a tricky question. Lexi remembers Cas' warning that heaven is involved now, she thinks how she can answer this question safely. "Dean going to hell, it starts things. It effects everything, all the way up until when I come here. It's so hard to explain, but we thought if we could warn you and Dean, you could stay as far away from Cold Oak as possible, hide yourself from Azazel. Then Jake wouldn't have..." She's not even able to say it, "And Dean wouldn't have to make the deal."  
  
"Dean didn't have to make the deal," Sam still aches knowing that Dean sold his soul to bring him back from the dead.  
  
Lexi looks up and gently smiles at him, "Yes he did, Sam. Dean loves you, he loves you more than anything. He couldn't live with out you." _Not now, not even then,_ she thinks to herself, but keeps that thought to private. She's not ready to tell all her secrets or the real story of that night just yet.  
  
Sam looks away from her and out the window, "The rain stopped. Let's go back inside, you're soaked."  
  
Lexi just shakes her head, "Where's the store you were talking about?" She's not about to go back in the hotel room and have to tell the half-truth story all over again to Dean. She just needs to go, and she climbs out of the Impala.  
  
"Just down the street a couple blocks," Sam grabs a sweatshirt from the floor and exits the Impala too, "I'll come with you."

***  
  
At the Army Navy Surplus store, Lexi grabs a leather duffel bag, a few pairs of jeans, some shirts, some soft cotton pants, a disposable cell phone, and a few other things she thinks she might need. She's glad Bobby sent her with plenty of cash, because she needs to make one more stop. As she pays for her items, she silently prays the teller doesn't notice the dates on the bills, but then thinks better of her silent prayers. Bobby is one of the smartest men she's ever met in her life, there's no way he'd give her bills that were older than 2007. When the teller gives her the paper receipt, she notices the exact store she needs, just across the street.  
  
As her and Sam walk through the isles of the drug store, Sam awkwardly holds her bags as she carries a red basket in her arms. "What do you have to get here?" Sam asks as he looks down the isles of make-up, tampons and cotton balls. He and Dean never have to go down these isles.  
  
Lexi smirks as she looks back at Sam, "I can't use your deodorant forever. I'm a girl; I need stuff."

She picks up the pace and walks throughout the store, tossing things into her basket: deodorant that does not smell like boys, a tooth brush, toothpaste, floss (floss that's not intended to stitch into anyone's skin, so she gets the green minty stuff), a razor, some makeup, a comb, non-motel shampoo and conditioner, body wash, lotion, a couple of cheap bras and a package of underwear.

"I think that's it."  
  
Sam looks down at her heaping basket, "You sure?" he jokes.  
  
As they walk the four blocks back to the motel, Lexi can tell Sam wants to ask something. His brow is furrowed, and he's chewing on his bottom lip, a tell tale sign that he has a question.

"What? Sam, just ask me." She smiles up at him.  
  
Sam rolls his eyes and shakes his head down at her because she knows him better than she technically should. "I was kind of out of it when the angel did whatever he did to me, but I swear I heard him say something about you not losing your grace. What does that mean?"  
  
Lexi sighs and shrugs her shoulders. "Honestly, Sam, I really don't know."

It's not the whole truth, but it's not a lie either. She can still feel Cas' grace, her grace and it feels stronger than before. It scares her, almost feeling like it doesn't belong. She briefly wonders if she's going to start sprouting wings, or what.  
  
When they get back to the motel room, Dean is already dressed and as gotten them food. "Jesus Christ, didya buy the whole damn store?" He jokes about the shopping bags that both her and Sam carry into the room.  
  
"I literally have nothing, give me a break." She jokingly elbows him in the ribs as she walks past him and into the bathroom. She changes out of her wet clothes and into a pair of fresh jeans, wool socks, a long sleeved shirt and then pulls Sam's sweat shirt back over her head.

When she walks out of the bathroom Sam notices the sweatshirt and then the wool socks. He doesn't say anything, but he smirks. "What?" she asks, "I've been in wet clothes for two days, I'm cold!  
  
Sam laughs and hands her a styrofoam container. When she opens it, the burger and fries are not a surprise. Sam ignores his greasy burger and cuts into the plastic of the disposable phone's packaging. He proceeds to set it up for Lexi, programming his, Dean's and Bobby's phone numbers in it, then adding her number into his phone and texting it to Dean.  
  
"You know, you guys never eat fast food in the future," Lexi shares as she chews a bite of her burger.  
  
"Seriously?" Dean wonders, shocked.  
  
"Nope. You hate it. It's been years since I've seen you eat a cheeseburger that you didn't make yourself."  
  
Dean studies his precious burger, dripping with grease and ketchup, he shrugs his shoulders and takes a huge bite. He chews a couple times and then asks, "So what's the plan, Lex?"  
  
"Plan?" She's shocked that Dean is asking her what the plan is, typically Dean is the one who comes up with the plan.  
  
"Yeah, you came back here for a reason, tell us."   
  
Lexi glances nervously to Sam, who turns his head toward Dean and shakes his head. "Sam can tell you...some other time, but," Lexi pauses to chew on a french fry and to decide what exactly her plan is, "I think we need to get out of dodge. Castiel, the angel, said that I need to get you two off of this path, off of your paths."  
  
"Where are you suggesting?" Dean's voice sounds a little more on edge now.  
  
"We could go to Bobby's?" Sam offers.  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of now-me's house." Lexi answers carefully.  
  
"Now-you?" Dean questions while raising an eyebrow, "Won't you be there?"  
  
"Not anymore," she mutters, briefly wondering what happened to now-her when Crowley and Cas did the spell. Did 2007-her just drop dead? Did she vanish? Turn into a pile of ash? She hopes that she was alone when it happened.  
  
Dean looks at Sam, and Sam just shakes his head, warning Dean not to ask. Against Dean's better judgement, he listens to his younger brother. He does, however, ask, "So where is now-you's house?"  
  
"Northern Minnesota," Lexi answers.  
  
Sam smirks. "The wool socks make sense now."  
  
Lexi blushes,and Dean rolls his eyes. "We'll leave in the morning."


	5. Chapter 5

"This was yours?" Sam asks, hefting both his bag and Lexi's over his shoulder.

It took them all day and all night to drive up to the secluded cabin. The three of the stand on the par-frozen driveway and look at the cabin in the dark.  
  
"Was my family's deer hunting cabin. After my mom and dad died, I moved out here," Lexi explains as she leads the way up the stairs of the porch and stands on her tip toes to reach the top of the door frame, hoping the key was still up there. It is, and she unlocks the door and turns to look back at the boys. She knows she's going to have more explaining to do.  
  
"You're a hunter!" Dean exclaims as he walks through the devil's trap in front of the door.  
  
"Was, Dean. I WAS a hunter," Lexi corrects him.  
  
"Is this how we meet...met...will meet?" He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. "You know what I mean. Is this how we meet you?"  
  
Sam winds his fingers through Lexi's, at the exact time she needs some reassurance. Being in her old cabin brings back so many memories, both good and bad.

"Long story short? I was hunting a djinn, and it got me. You guys were hunting it too. You killed it, found me, and saved me."  
  
"You let a djinn get you?" Dean snorts.  
  
"As I recall..." Lexi teases.  
  
"You know way to much, Lex." Dean laughs and shakes his head.  
  
Lexi checks the sigils and demon warding on the walls. "We should be safe here. The windows should all be salted, but we should check them, and there are devil's traps in front of both doors."  
  
Sam and Dean disperse and check all the windows, touching up salt where it needs touching up. After, Dean heads straight for the fridge, while Sam reaches for Lexi's hand again. "You okay?"  
  
She nods. "It's just weird being back here. It seems like a million years ago. I've got a boyfriend in 2007." Lexi lifts and eyebrow, teasing Sam, but it's true. 2007-her does have a boyfriend, Gabe Olson. It's been years since she thought of him.  
  
"You do, do you?" Sam teases back, but for a second he feels guilty. Does he have a right to feel the twinge of jealousy he feels in the pit of his stomach? Probably not, but he still does.  
  
"Well, not _me_ -me, but 2007-me does. Just an off again, on again sort of thing. Pretty toxic, it doesn't last." She winks up at Sam.  
  
"You guys hungry?" Dean yells, his head in the freezer.  
  
Sam looks down at his watch and groans, "Dean, it's four-a.m."  
  
"Well, I'm hungry at four-a.m. and I'm making steaks. That okay with you, Lex?" Dean grins.  
  
"Help yourself. Grill's out back, and the guest bedrooms are right off the living room." She points to the two rooms, just to the left of them.  
  
Dean nods and heads outside.  
  
"I need a shower," Sam announces.  
  
"Bathroom is right though there," she points down the hall, ignoring the flutter in her stomach.  
  
"Show me?" Sam grins, once again shamelessly flashing his dimples, like he already knows she can't resist them.

Lexi takes him by the hand and leads him down the hall. "Viola!" She gestures to the bathroom like a lady from a game show. "Towels should be in the cupboard, soap and shampoo in the shower. Just dig if you can't find something."

She backs out of the bathroom, leaving Sam standing on the red and white tiles by himself.  
  
He stops her, reaching out and gently snatching her wrist. "You're really going?"  
  
Lexi turns to face him. "I thought, maybe...but Sam, I don't want to assume. Just because, we're...you know," _married_ , she thinks to herself. "I don't want you to feel like you have to...because you don't have to..."  
  
Sam pulls her back into the bathroom and into his chest, "Lexi," he tilts her face up so he can look into her blue eyes, "I want to."

He walks Lexi backwards and presses her against the back of the closed bathroom door, their mouths finding each others. He fumbles behind her back, searching unsuccessfully for the lock, but Lexi knows exactly where it is and reaches behind herself, pressing the button on the handle.

With his eyes never leaving hers, he slowly takes off her clothes, his hands brushing her soft skin with his rough and calloused fingers. She tugs at the hem of his shirt and pulls it up and over his head. When they're completely naked before each other, their clothes in a heap at their feet, Sam softly runs his fingertips doen her bare torso and lifts her up off the floor. She wraps her legs around his waist like she's done hundreds of times, and he carries across the bathroom. The water's not even running, but he steps inside the shower, and Sam presses Lexi's back into the cool tile, his lips nipping at her neck, her hands winding in his hair.  
  
"Sam?" Lexi murmurs, "Are you sure? You have to be sure, I can't--"  
  
He stops her words with his own mouth, he soothes her worries with his tongue. "More sure than I've ever been about anything," he moans, his eyes soft.  
  
Lexi lets out a heavy breath and a smile as she reaches behind Sam and turns on the water. They both gasp at the coolness of the water, but it gets warm in seconds.

Sam lifts her hips and lines himself up, Lexi groans at he brushes against her center. She clings tightly to him as he presses her hips down over him. They moan and gasp together.

This time Sam is slow, they are slow, they savor each other.

His eyes take in every inch of her body, every line and every curve. Lexi just watches him, his muscles rippling with every movement, his tongue licking his lips and then drawing the bottom lip into his mouth between his teeth. He's beautiful, maybe even more beautiful that she remembered.  
  
By the time they finish, the water has gone cold. They quickly wash each other and tiptoe upstairs, passed Dean, sleeping on the couch. When they reach the upstairs bedroom, Lexi's bedroom, they do it all over again.

-

Lexi wakes up just a couple hours later, she can hear Sam's slow breathing, he's still asleep. She lies still, staring up at the ceiling. She doesn't understand how to spell went wrong. Everything would have been so much easier to fix if she just could have warned Sam and Dean about Jake. Sam would have never been killed, and Dean would have never made the deal.

She lets a small sigh as she carefully gets up from the bed. She digs in Sam's bag and pulls out a clean undershirt, the crisp white fabric feels familiar as it hangs down her naked body. She reaches in her own bag, pulling out a pair of clean underwear and cotton pants, silently stepping into them.

After a quick look back at a sleeping Sam, she makes her way down the stairs.

Dean is awake, apparently having found her stash of tequila. He's sitting on the couch, taking long pulls from the glass bottle.

"Hi," she whispers softly in the darkness.  
  
"Heya, Lex." His words are slurred. He's been drinking for awhile.  
  
"I see you found my secret stash." She smirks as she sits down next to him on the couch, snatching the bottle from his hands, and taking a pull.  
  
He grabs it back. "I'm no Mathlete, like Sammy, but I believe you're only about eighteen or nineteen right now. You're not old enough for this stuff." He takes another shot.  
  
Grabbing it back and swallowing down another burning pull, she says back to him in the dark, "I'm old enough."  
  
Dean reaches for the bottle again, bringing it to his lips and swallowing two huge mouthfuls. "So y'know all 'bout my trip downstairs, " he slurs. It's not a question, it's a statement. He knows Lexi knows.  
  
"Dean, don't. I told you everything I know," she lies, but she's desperate, she doesn't want to say those horrors aloud.  
  
"See, but ya didn't. I think y'know more than what you're telling me."  Dean read it on her face the day before in the motel. He knows she knows most, if not all about his stay in hell.  
  
"Dean, please. I only know what you and Sam told me and that's when you guys would play cards and get piss-ass drunk, like what you are now."  
  
Dean is quiet for awhile, she almost thinks he's passed out, hopes he's passed out, but he whispers almost so quietly she barely hears him, "What's it like down there?"  
  
"I don't-"  
  
"Yes you do!" Dean growls, "I know you do, so just tell me."  
  
It's no use lying, he knows she knows. "Please don't make me," she begs quietly in the dark, trying one more time to get out of having to say the words aloud.  
  
Dean doesn't say anything, he and Lexi sit in silence for a few minutes before he whispers again, "Tell me."  
  
She sighs. "You're gone for four months, but time moves differently down there. Down there it's more like...it's more like forty years. An angel named Castiel, the one who helped me get here, he saves you on September 18, 2008. You wake up in the ground, you dig yourself out of your grave, the grave that Sam digs for you."  
  
"But what is hell like?" Deans whispers have turned into low growls.  
  
A movement Lexi sees out of the corner of her eye, steals her eyes away from Dean. She looks up and sees Sam sitting at the top of the stairs. "Dean, I don't know." She lies and stands up from the couch and makes her way to the kitchen, she's desperate to get out of this conversation.  
  
"You're LYING!" Dean roars.  
  
Lexi turns around to tell him that's she's not, but Dean is directly behind her, in her face. She tries to back away from him, but her back is already against the wall and his arms are on either side of her, she's trapped.  
  
"Tell me the truth!" He growls in her face.  
  
Sam stands up from his place on the stairs, ready to come to her defense, to get Dean away from Lexi, but she shakes her head to him, letting him know she's okay. Dean takes her gesture as her telling him no again and with his hand flat, he hits the wall next to her face. "TELL ME!"  
  
She flinches, and Sam flies down the stairs, taking them two at a time, "Alright, fine."

Sam stops.  
  
Dean doesn't move.  
  
"Can we go back to the couch?"  
  
"No," He whispers darkly.  
  
"You never told me-" She starts.  
  
"Don't lie to me!"  
  
"You never told me," she starts again, "I read it in your journal..." she pauses. "You being tortured, flayed, burned, hacked up until there was nothing left, only to put you back together again and start over," Lexi whispers tearfully.  
  
"What does that mean?" Dean growls in her face.  
  
"You wrote that after every day he would ask you to join him. He promised to put down his razor if you promised to pick it up, and start hacking up souls with him." She stops and looks up at Sam at the bottom of the stairs, his face shiny with tears, but he never stops looks at her or Dean.  
  
"AND?"  
  
"For thirty years you told him - Alastair was his name - you told him to shove it up his ass, but one day you just couldn't handle it anymore. You got up off that rack, took his razor, and for ten years you hacked up souls by his side," Lexi's words spill from her mouth in panicked and rushed sobs, riddled with gasps and tears, but she reaches up and tenderly puts her hand to Dean's stubbly cheek. "But it's not forever. Dean, I promise you, you will be saved."  
  
He leans into Lexi's hand and she pulls him into a tight hug, wrapping her arms around his sagging shoulders, "You can't save me?" He asks quietly in her hair.  
  
Lexi swallows a sob and shakes her head.  "I'm so sorry." But then an idea pops into her head. "Wait! Maybe..." she whispers.  
  
"Maybe, what?" Dean asks, hope filling his voice.  
  
"CAS! Castiel! Please! I need you!" She looks up at the ceiling of her cabin.  
  
Sam is quick to Lexi and Dean's sides, and they both look at her like she's crazy.  
  
"Dean, you try. Try praying to Castiel, he's the angel that saves you."  
  
He looks at Lexi with hesitation. "I don't...no...I don't pray."  
  
"Dean! C'mon! Just try!" Lexi urges him.  
  
He rolls his eyes and then shuts them tightly, "Dear Castie...Castiel, Lex says she needs you. She might have an idea how to save me from the pit. Please, could you get your feathery ass down here, over.  
  
She snickers at the _over_ that Dean says, like he's talking on a CB, but they all hold their breath and wait.  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Son of a bitch!" Lexi yells out.  
  
"What? What are you thinking?" Sam asks, the desperation coming through clearly in his voice.  
  
Lexi shakes her head, she knows she can't say. "I can't. I'm sorry. If heaven finds out that I'm even  trying, they'll take me and if demons find out, they'll take me for sure." She doesn't know which would be worse.  
  
Sam and Dean watch her with curious eyes.  
  
"What can we do? What do you need?" Sam asks carefully, breaking the silence.  
  
Lexi makes her way back to the couch and falls into it, putting her face in her hands. She wants to save Sam and Dean, but she doesn't know how. She wants to break down, throw things, throw everything she can reach, but she knows she can't. It won't do any good. She gets up from the couch, steps into her shoes, and shrugs her jacket over her shoulders. She opens the door and takes a step outside.  
  
"Lexi!" Sam calls to her, with just a few strides of his long legs, he's at her side. "Where are you going?"  
  
With a sigh, she looks up at him. "I just need to think. Just for a little while."  
  
Sam's forehead wrinkles with concern but he nods down at her. "Okay."  
  
She reaches for his hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, then lets it fall back to his side, and she walks away.


	6. Chapter 6

The crisp Minnesota air fills her lungs, the sun is just barely peeking over the pine trees that tower over her. The frost on the ground crunches under her boots as she walks down a path she's not walked down in years. It leads her to a boat landing, and she climbs up on a rock that juts out into the river, smooth from age.

As she stares out on to the serene flowing river, she closes her eyes and tries to think back to all the things she's read, all the things Sam told her when he drank too much tequila and all the things Dean droned on and on about when he was clanging around with the Impala.

She makes a mental list:  
  
_1\. She's late, and there's nothing she can do about it. This is when she is and she has to work with it._  
  
_2\. Dean is going to hell. She doesn't think there is anything she can do about that, but Cas, maybe Cas, her-Cas can. If she can get him to come to her again._  
  
_3\. Dean's actions in hell, break the first seal. It starts everything._  
  
_4\. Ruby has already wormed her way into Sam and Dean's lives._  
  
_5\. She's going to kill Ruby. Sooner rather than later. Just on principal._  
  
_6\. If Ruby is not stopped, Sam will kill Lilith and free Lucifer and then Sam will go to hell to save the world._  
  
_7\. That can't happen. It just can't.  None of it can happen._  
  
She thinks some more.

 _Dean breaks the first seal, Lilith breaking the next sixty-four and Sam breaking the last one. Lilith is the demon who holds Dean's contract, maybe if they kill Lilith...nope. They try that. It doesn't work. Sam can't kill her, not without Ruby. God dammed demon-bitch, Ruby. Lexi can almost imagine herself ripping that bitch's throat out. Then it occurs to Lexi, that's how she can do it! If Sam and Ruby never...get together,_ (Lexi shudders at the mere thought) _then Sam won't be able to kill Lilith. No one can, right? Everyone always said it had to be Sam. Lilith is the final seal, if she doesn't die, then..._

"Yes! That's it!" Lexi shouts aloud to no one.  
  
"What's it?"  
  
Or at least she thought she was saying it to no one.

She turns around and sees Sam standing on the shore of the river, she can't help but smile. "How did you..." She starts to ask how he found her, but then notices her own foot prints in the frost.  
  
Sam returns her smile as he climbs up the rocks, his long legs make it easy for him and he sits down next to her. "What's it?" He asks again.  
  
"Sam..." She sighs, shaking her head, _how do I even begin to explain?_  
  
"I know you think you can't explain, just try, please?"  
  
Lexi looks up at him, almost in shock. He's so close to being her Sam, he can already read her. She takes a deep breath and begins the best way she knows how. "When Dean goes to hell..." Sam flinches at the words and she reaches out for his hand. "When he goes to hell, it starts...it's the beginning of the end.  
  
Sam opens his mouth to interrupt her with a thousand questions, but stops and waits for her to go on.  
  
She intends to continue what little information she feels is safe to share, but lets out an exasperated breath. "God dammit! It wasn't supposed to be this hard!" She yells standing up and climbing down to the river bank, leaving Sam on her rock.

She was just supposed to warn them, bypass all this shit and live a new life. Cas and Crowley had a plan, now she has nothing. Nothing but the damn grace swimming inside her, whatever the hell that means.  
  
He quickly follows her and gently turns her so they're facing each other. "Lexi, please..." Sam begs.  
  
She rests her head on Sam's chest and starts again. "Once it all starts, there are hundreds of events that can happen, they're called seals, they're like locks on a box. Well, a cage technically."  
  
"What's in the cage?" Sam whispers, part of him wants to know, the other part wants to take his brother and run.  
  
"Lucifer," she chokes out, watching Sam's face carefully and just like she knew he would.  Sam's face registers fear, everyone's face registers fear at the mention of Lucifer, but she ignores it and continues, "There are hundreds of seals that can be broken, only sixty-six need to break for him to be free." Slowly she looks back up at Sam, trying to read his reaction. She can see dozens of different emotions flash across his strong features but his eyes are pleading for her to continue. She does. "I don't know all the seals, Bobby could tell us. The important one is the last one, the one that sets Lucifer free."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Lexi shakes her head and looks up at the sky, "I can't tell you."  
  
Sam blows out a breath. "The angels?"  
  
She nods her head. "Among other things, but it's you that does it, Sam." The words falling from her mouth before she can stop herself, "You and Ruby." Lexi's voice growing dark as she mutters the name.  
  
"Ruby?" He asks her, shocked.  
  
"She's lying to you, she can't help Dean. Every word out of her mouth is a lie! She's not here to help you, she's not here to help Dean. She's here to guide you down the wrong path. She's a loyalist! She's using you."  
  
"Loyalist?" Sam asks with brows furrowed with disbelief and fear.  
  
"To Lucifer, to herself. Take your pick. This is her plan, she's molding you into-- She's going to use your... _abilities_ to get what she wants." Lexi pauses. "She wants Lucifer free."

She lets out a breath. It's finally out, maybe not all the exact details, but her cards are laid out. Well, some of them anyway.  
  
Sam backs away, stunned by her confession, her admission, but Lexi reaches for his hand and pulls him back to her. "If she succeeds, Sam, you'll..." This is it, the next words that will come from her mouth are the last words she ever wanted to have to tell Sam, "You'll go to hell too."  
  
Sam's eyes go wide, and Lexi feels him flinch. He tries to jerk his hand away, but Lexi keeps it tight in her own, "Sam, I'm not going to let that happen. That's why I'm here. I'm going to fix this. I swear to you. I'm going to fix this."  
  
He jerks his hand away, harder this time, and she lets it go. His face filled with a hundred different questions and emotions, finally settling on fear and panic. She can tell he wants to run, but he's a Winchester, and John beat into both of his boys' heads that Winchesters don't run. Sam turns on his heel and walks away.  
  
"Sam, please don't go," Lexi begs, but she knows it's no use. It kills her inside to see him walk away, but she knows better and lets him go.

After he's out of her sight, she climbs back up on her rock. She sits down on it's hard surface, draws her knees up to her chest, and lets the sobs shake her body. She doesn't hold back. She sobs for what seems like hours. She sobs until her throat burns and finally stops when there just aren't any tears left.

Then she prays, "Castiel," her voice ragged, "I need you, please. It's too much. You've given me too much. I can't be alone, not again. Please. I can't do this. I can't. I just can't. Not again." Lexi jumps when she hears a twig snap behind her, she whirls around, "Cas?" She asks hopeful.  
  
But it's not Cas, it's Sam. He sprints up the rock and pulls Lexi in to his arms. "You're not alone," he whispers, "I swear, I won't leave again."

They stand on the rock clinging desperately to each other. They hold each other so tightly, their grips so strong, like if they hold each other tight enough nothing will rip them apart. But Lexi knows better, she knows if she doesn't do what she needs to do, there is no grip in this world that can keep Sam by her side.  
  
She pulls herself gently from Sam's embrace and takes him by the hand, leading him down the rocks and onto the path back to her cabin, but she stops dead in her tracks. "Son of a bitch!"  
  
It's Ruby.  
  
Every fiber of Lexi's being screams at her to lunge at the blonde woman standing just feet away from them. To rip her throat out, to plunge her own knife deep in her chest, but she doesn't have it, she stupidly left it upstairs on her night stand. Lexi silently curses herself.  
  
Sam remembers Lexi's words and in a protective move, he steps in front of Lexi.  
  
Ruby, with an innocent looks plastered across her face questions Sam, "What are you doing here? I've been looking all over for you. We need to..."  
  
"No," Sam growls.  
  
"No? No? What the hell does that even mean? _No_? I can't help your brother if you don't come with me. We have to go."  
  
"No," Sam growls again. "No, Ruby, we're done. If I see you again, I'll kill you myself."  
  
She looks at Sam with shock, but her line of sight shifts to Lexi. Ruby tilts her head, looking at Lexi quizzically. Lexi wonders for a brief second if Ruby can sense Cas' grace inside her, but Ruby says nothing. She flashes her black eyes, keeping them locked on Lexi, and then she's gone.  
  
Silently, Sam takes Lexi's hand and leads her back to the cabin.

Inside, they find a very drunk and broken Dean, passed out on the couch. Lexi takes her hand from Sam's and covers Dean with a blanket, eases the bottle from his hand and gently smoothes his hair.

Sam watches Lexi as she does this, he watches her look down on his brother, he watches her study his brother's face, and the tears that form in her eyes.

Sam is confused when Lexi walks away from them both, but smiles just a little bit when Lexi comes back with two bottles of water and a bottle of asprin. She smoothes Dean's hair one more time, kisses the top of his head and then reaches for Sam's hand.

Touched and overwhelmed by Lexi's gestures, Sam pulls her to his chest and holds her tightly. Before he tilts her face up so he can kiss her, he holds her close just for a minute.

When he does kissher, he does it so softly, just once, and takes her by the hand, leading her upstairs.

Once in the bedroom, Sam closes the door behind them and stands in front of Lexi. He reaches up and slides her jacket off her shoulders, letting it fall into heap on the floor. Their eyes never leaving each other as Sam pulls his own white tee shirt over her head and pushes her cotton pants and underwear to the floor. He takes her by the hand as she step out of them.  
  
Lexi stares up at him and reaches for his jacket, it too falls to the floor. She unbuttons his shirt, and he shrugs it away. Next she moves for his belt, but Sam's too quick, it's undone in one quick movement, and his pants slide down his legs to his feet.  
  
Roaming over Sam's body, Lexi's eyes pick out the once faded scars in her time. The ones that were almost nonexistent or a pale silver, are now hues of red and pink, some more new than others.

Her eyes flicker back up to Sam's face, in search for his eyes, but she's scooped up by strong arms and gently laid down on the bed. Sam's mouth crashes into hers, almost hard enough to bruise, but so soft at the same time. His kisses work down her cheek and make their way to her ears, she hears him whisper, "I will never leave you. I might not be your Sam, but you're mine. You're my Lexi." Sam pulls her back into a kiss and then looks down on her.  
  
Lexi reaches up and takes his face in her hands, bringing it close to her own, "You're my Sam." She slightly nods her head, "You're mine too."

She looks into Sam's eyes, his _familiar_ eyes, an feels his strong arms wrapped around her - they are her home. Sam kisses down her neck, his lips pressing against every inch of her body, taking her all in, worshiping her from head to toe. His breaths against her skin sound like needy, desperate prayers, begging Lexi for salvation. It's only then does she realize the second she told Sam who she was and why she came back, Sam has always been hers.  
  
This time when they come together, it's different. They both realize how empty they've felt, how much they've ignored the hollowness in their chests, in their hearts and in their souls, but now, in this moment all of that is gone, for both of them. Lexi's Sam is right in front of her, and the future, _their_ future can be whatever they want it to be. It's in that moment, as they cling to each other, desperately crying out each others names, that they both know they're right where they're supposed to be.  
  
Sam cradles Lexi in his arms, they're both out of breath, kissing each others grins. Sam's hands making soft circles on the small of her back for awhile. When Sam takes a breath to speak, Lexi can feel that he has more questions and that's okay, but she wonders _will I be able to answer them?_  
  
"You said, I go to hell?"  
  
Lexi feels her body go stiff, the euphoria from moments before gone out the window, and her blood runs cold. Sam never really told her about his stay in the cage with Michael and Lucifer, and as far as she knows he never told anybody, not even Dean. Sam didn't have to tell her, she just knew.

Lexi nestles into Sam, presses her face into his chest, as if she can hide from the question, breathing in his scent. Finally she opens her mouth but can't bring herself to say the words, she simply nods her head.

"How? Why? When?" He stammers out.  
  
She sits up on the bed, pulling the sheet up to her chest and looks Sam in the eyes, because he deserves it:  _the truth._  "When Lucifer is set free, there is supposed to be a battle." She assumes sharing this is safe; it's in the bible, and it's fairly common knowledge. "Lucifer is an angel and angels need vessels, just like you saw Cas. All angels need vessels." She pauses, knowing she has to choose her words carefully now, "Dean is the archangel Michael's vessel and you--"  
  
"I'm Lucifer's vessel," Sam murmurs.  Part of him always knew there was something dark inside him, but this? "Dean sends me to hell?" Sam sits upright in bed next to Lexi, fear filling his eyes. It's all fear.  
  
Lexi can hear his breath coming in faster, she can feel his heart beat quicken in his chest, she can feel the fear radiate off of him. She quickly sits up beside him and climbs in to his lap, tilting his face down so he looks at her. "Dean would never; hwould rather die than hurt you, you know that."  
  
Sam closes his eyes and nods his head, he knows she's right. Sam is living proof that Lexi is right. "But then how?"  
  
This would be a perfect opportunity to tell Sam about his other brother, the brother she's only ever read about, the brother neither Sam nor Dean ever talked about. She's never even heard them utter his name. _Adam._ They could find him right now, he's barely across the state, it would take mere hours to get to him, but she doesn't say anything. She hates herself for it, but she doesn't say anything.

"You save the world, Sam. You save a world you were never allowed to be apart of. You save everybody."  
  
"How?"  
  
She looks away from Sam, "I don't know." That's a lie and Sam knows it.  
  
"You have to tell me. Please?"  
  
She closes her eyes and bites her lips, still refusing to look at Sam.  
  
"Lexi, I have to know!"  
  
She nods her head. "Angels need permission to take a human as their vessel. You say yes to Lucifer." She knows it's vague and not fair, it's just another half truth, but she leaves it at that.  
  
"I wouldn't!" Sam exclaims in disbelief.  
  
"I know! I know you wouldn't, but you do. You say yes only because you have a plan. You let Lucifer in and you push him down so deep, you take control. You sacrifice yourself for the world, you throw yourself and Lucifer back into the cage." More half truths, more half lies, but Lexi does it to keep herself safe. If she's not safe, she can't keep Dean and Sam safe.  
  
His eyes dart across her face, Sam's looking for a lie, unable to believe me. "But how...how do I meet you?"  
  
"You Winchesters are a special breed. Hell can't keep you for long. Castiel, he saves you too. That's why I'm here. I won't let it happen, not this time, not again." _The night of the fire can't ever happen again, I won't let it._  
  
Sam and Lexi lie quietly in each others arms, just listening to their own thoughts and the sounds of each others breathing. They eventually fall asleep until the next morning.


	7. Chapter 7

Lexi wakes up in an empty bed, but she doesn't startle, she doesn't think she dreamed it all. She remembers.  
  
She peeks over at the clock on the bedside table, and it blinks 7:37am back at her. She climbs out of bed, feeling oddly content. She hasn't slept this well in forever. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt of Sam's, she climbs down the stairs, following the delicious smell of fresh coffee.

At the bottom of the stairs she stops and smiles at the sight before her. Sam and Dean are sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch, cleaning their guns. She's seen this many times and leans against the wall, just watching them.

Moments later Sam senses her presence in the room and turns to look across the room at her. He smiles as he gets up and greets her in the kitchen while she's pouring herself a cup of coffee. He wraps his arms around her waist from behind.  
  
"G'morning," he whispers in her hair, pressing gentle kisses on the back of her neck.  
  
"Hi." She smiles up at him, taking a sip of her coffee. Just by the taste of it she knows Dean made it; she's going to have the shakes later.  
  
Sam leaves her side and busies himself by rinsing off a couple plates and bowls, sticking them in the dishwasher.

Lexi watches him, noticing the way the gray v-neck tee shirt and dark blue jeans cling to Sam's body perfectly, she can't help but stare. Sam always kept in shape, but seven years is seven years. He still looks so young. Sam reaches up to move his bangs out his face and she giggles like a fifteen year old girl.  
  
"What?" Sam heard the giggle, and a smile spreads across his face. He realizes he hasn't smiled like this since Jess. It feels nice, and he knows Jess would be happy for him right now. He just knows it.  
  
"Your bangs." Lexi smiles again, her hand covering her mouth, "I've never seen them before." It's true. Sam always kept his hair long around his ears, sometimes barely touching his shoulders, but always parted down the middle, never any bangs.  
  
Sam rolls his eyes, "You gonna be like Dean and pick on me about my hair?" He smirks at her.  
  
"No." Lexi shakes her head, "It's just different, that's all."  
  
"I see." He looks at her like he doesn't believe her. "Dean used the last of the coffee and I noticed you're out of a few things." Sam changes the subject. "You want to go into town later?" Sam pulls Lexi close to him, peppering soft kisses along her jaw.  
  
She considers it longer than necessary, letting Sam's kiss alternate between kisses and gentle nibbles, but finally answering, "I grew up here, do you think it's a good idea? I'm seven years older now than I was a week ago...technically. People might notice.  
  
"Nah, doubtful," he answers with a smile, resuming his kisses.  
  
"I suppose, maybe I should," she says pressing kisses into the side of Sam's face. "If now-me disappears and is never heard from again, people are going to wonder. I can go through the cabin and make a list. We're going to be here awhile."  
  
His kisses stop. "Awhile?"  
  
Lexi nods. "Cas said I have to get you off your path. Neither you, nor Dean have ever been here, so I think I've done that much, so far at least." She peaks around the corner at Dean who is still meticulously cleaning his guns. "When..." Her voice trails off, she doesn't need to finish, Sam knows what she means.  
  
" 'Bout six months." Sam runs a hand through his hair.  
  
"Then you'll be here for about six months." She steps up on her tiptoes and kisses Sam, returning the gentle kisses to his jaw and neck.  
  
"Dean isn't going to be happy," he groans.  
  
"Dean can get the hell over it." She smirks against his skin.  
  
"Dean can get the hell over what?" Dean yells from the living room.  
  
Sam and Lexi smirk at each other and make their way into the living room. Lexi speaks first, "Cas said the only way I can change the future is to get you two off your path. I know now-you has a thing about staying in one place for longer than a couple weeks, but you're going to have to deal."  
  
Dean frowns, partly because he's going to have to stay there, and partly because she's right. He's not used to being told what to do and what he needs to get the hell over. "Before I even _think_ about considering this, someone needs to tell now-me what the hell is going on!"  
  
Lexi looks up at Sam. "Why don't you take Dean and walk around the property, tell him everything I told you. I'm not...I can't go over it again." Then she turns to Dean, "If you have any questions after that, you can ask." _I don't know what I can answer, but you can ask._  
  
Dean shrugs. He and Sam slip on their jackets and shoes and walk out the door.  
  
Lexi stares at the door after they leave and then makes her way through the cabin to see what they're going to need from town. After about an hour, Sam and Dean are still gone.

The lists are made, the cabin is cleaned, laundry is both washing and drying in the machines, and her eyes rest on her piano in the corner, covered with a sheet. She pulls the old white sheet off of it and dust goes flying, making floating patters in the sunlight streaming through the window.  
  
It's been years since she's played on this piano, even for 2007-her. She sits down on the ancient bench and plays a few cords, then the first song she ever learned, _Chopsticks_. She giggles and then plays a little of Beethoven's _Moonlight_ _Sonata_ which then somehow morphs in to Journey, she sings softly as she plays.  
  
... _Living without you, living alone, this empty house seems so cold._  
_Wanting to hold you, wanting you near, how much I wanted you home._  
_But now that you've come back, turned night into day, I need you to stay._  
  
_So now I come to you, with open arms, nothing to hide, believe what I say._  
_So here I am, with open arms, hoping you'll see, what your love means to me._  
_Open arms_  
  
Tears stream down Lexi's face, but another song drifts into the air from her fingers. If Sam and Dean were to hear it, they wouldn't know what it was from, but she does...  
  
... _I have died every day, waiting for you_  
_Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a_  
_Thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_  
  
_And all along I believed I would find you_  
_Time has brought your heart to me_  
_I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more._  
  
Her fingers play out the last couple cords slowly, and she sits silently, staring at the keys. Sighing, she leans her head against the keys, the sounds of natural, sharp, and flat notes echoing off the cabin walls, when she feels a hand on her shoulder. When she looks up, it's Sam.

"How long have you been there?" She asks, as he cheeks flush.  
  
She smiles down on her. "Since _Chopsticks_."  
  
"Oh, I-I," she stammers, "Sorry if that was too much..."  
  
"No, of course not. You play really well."  
  
"Thanks." She smiles again.  
  
"That last one, did you write it?" Sam sits down on the piano bench next to her.  
  
Lexi snickers. "No. It's from my time. A girl I teach... _taught_ piano lessons to wanted to play it for her recital. It kind of stuck. You guys will hate the movie when you see it. Trust me."  
  
"You taught piano lessons?" Sam asks, shifting closer to Lexi, their legs touching now.  
  
"Piano, voice, guitar, drums, trombone: pretty much anything, really. I could be a one woman show," Lexi teases, gently nudging him with her shoulder.  
  
"So what does...did now-you do? You mentioned that boyfriend," Sam teases, "Or were you hunting now?"  
  
"I didn't really hunt until after my uncle died. I was kind of his Bobby, mostly phones and research, but sometimes on Friday and Saturday nights I played in a bar band," she pauses, "With Gabe, the boyfriend."  
  
Sam smirks. "Is he around?"  
  
Lexi notices Sam straightens his back and broadens his shoulders at the mention of Gabe. "Might be, it's deer season now, so who knows, but it was never anything serious. Like I said, off and on again. If you want, if I see him again, I'll just tell him it's off."  
  
Sam doesn't mean to get jealous of a guy from Lexi's past, from a past that was seven years ago for her. Surely she knows about Jess, every one has a past. "If you see him... So anyway, you played in bar band? That's kind of cool." He smiles.  
  
"Easy way for quick cash. Karaoke contests too. You guys hustle pool and play poker, I sing lame bar music." She shrugs and returns his smile.  
  
"Bar music?" Dean scoffs jokingly. "Well hell, where is this bar?"  
  
"Town is about twenty minutes from here. We can check it out later. Maybe I can call the guys up and see if they need me this weekend? The cash Bobby sent me with isn't going to last forever.  
  
"You don't have to worry--" Sam starts, but he's interrupted when they all hear a knock at the door.  
  
Sam and Dean both pull guns from their waist bands and Lexi opens the door. "Hi." She smiles up at the man. "Can I help you?"

Sam and Dean quickly stand behind her, their guns pointed at the floor, but could be ready in seconds. The man hits the floor and is out cold, blood running from his nose and mouth.

Lexi rushes down to help him, but Sam grabs her arm. "We don't know what he is, Lexi, let Dean check him out."

Lexi shrugs out of Sam's grip and grabs a corked bottle of ashy gray powder out of her jacket that's hanging on a hook by the door. She shoves passed Sam and Dean and sprinkles the man with it's contents. It immediately turns a sparkly white, and she lets out a breath of relief. "He's an angel."  
  
Sam and Dean carry the angel to the couch while Lexi gets a bowl of water and a cloth. She dabs at his face, trying to wipe away the blood from his nose and mouth and rouse him from his unconsciousness. "Cas? Is it you? Please, wake up?"  
  
The angel stays silent.  
  
Dean picks up the corked glass bottle. "What is this stuff?"  
  
"Pulvis Creatura."  
  
"Pelvis Cre-a-what-a?" Dean asks.  
  
"PULvis Creatura," Lexi corrects. "Latin for--"  
  
Sam interrupts, "Creature Dust."  
  
"Nerd," Dean whispers under his breath, rolling his eyes in a way that only a big brother can do.  
  
Lexi looks up at Sam and grins, she loves Sam's nerdy side. "Sprinkle it on the creature in question: white or silver, an angel or being of heaven, black for demon, red for witch, green for werewolf. I have a list around here somewhere."

She notices a some spilled on her hand, it's bright white. Quickly she tries to brush it off before either of them notice. Sam is busy looking at the man on the couch, but Dean is watching her brush the dust off her hand. He doesn't say anything, but he looks at her suspiciously.

"I'm assuming and hoping this is Cas." Lexi says quickly.  
  
"And if it's not?" Dean barks.  
  
Lexi digs through the man's jacket and pulls out a shiny silver blade, she tosses it to Sam.  
  
"What's this?" Sam asks while looking at the blade.  
  
"Angel blade, one of the only weapons that can kill an angel." The angel stirs on the couch and she brushes his hair out of his eyes. "Cas?"  
  
The angel nods weakly. "Yes, Alexis. It is me."  
  
She breathes out a sigh of relief and pulls Cas into a hug. "How did you get here? I thought you said you couldn't come back?"  
  
"Your prayers, they are deafening," Cas groans.  
  
"Oh..." Lexi replies in a small voice.  
  
Dean clears his throat and Lexi looks up at him and then to Sam. "Guys, this is Cas."

The three of them say an awkward hello, and Cas stands up from the couch. "Alexis, we must speak in private." He reaches up to touch her shoulder.  
  
"Wait, Cas no! They don't..." But her plea is cut off as Cas touches her, and they're gone. "Cas! They don't know what you just did. They're going to freak! What the hell? Take me back!" Lexi looks around, they're in a mud hut. "Cas, where are we?"  
  
"Alexis, we must speak."  
  
"Cas! Where are we?"  
  
"The tribal leader of the El Molo's heaven, some version of Kenya maybe, but that is not of import, we must talk. What is your plan?"

Castiel needs to know what is happening. This will for sure be his last time travel, the last time he will be able to see Lexi. His missing grace is limiting his powers greatly, but he has to make sure she completes her mission. They've only got this one chance, and they must succeed.  
  
"Fine! My plan is to kill Ruby. If I kill her, Sam will never drink her blood, and then he won't be able to kill Lilith, which will keep Lucifer in his cage, and then Sam won't go to hell, and then everybody I love won't die. It's a good plan, if I tell Sam and Dean what Ruby is doing, they'll agree with me, and they'll gladly kill Ruby. I just don't know if there is anything else that can kill Lilith. Is there?"  
  
"At this moment, no there is not."  
  
"Then it'll work then?" Lexi asks, hopeful.  
  
"The past is not that easy to change. The initial plan to warn Sam and Dean about Jake and Azazel was one in a million. The angels want this to happen, I do not know what Zachariah or the other angels are capable of, and Sam will always have demon blood with in him..."  
  
Lexi interrupt him, "Cas, all I have to do is kill one demon. Just one! We have to try. I have to try. Sam can't...if he touches one drop of Ruby's blood...it's too late, isn't it?"  
  
"So it seems."  
  
"Should I tell him? About the demon blood, about what _really_ happened the night of the fire? What really happened to them, my girls, to me?"  
  
"No. Do not tell them the truth about that night, until it is absolutely necessary," Cas orders.  
  
"What about Dean? We know that he breaks the first seal after thirty years. Is there any way to get him out before then? Or get him out of his deal completely?" This was her idea when she had Dean try to call for Cas.  
  
"The only way out of his deal is to kill Lilith, which you and I can not do, but I am trying to infiltrate my garrison. If I can, I may be able to save Dean before the first seal is broken." Cas pauses and looks around our mud hut. "We must go, but first, take these." He pulls out three angel protection amulets from his pocket. "You and the Winchesters need to wear these, and they will hide you from all angels. They will not be able to hear you either." He stops and looks Lexi over, he's angel scanning her. "Your grace, is still intact."  
  
"I know, I spilled Pulvis Creatura on me earlier, it turned white. What does that mean?"  
  
Cas touches her shoulder before responding, and she's back in her cabin. Cas is gone. For Lexi, she was only away for moments, but she know time will have moved differently for Sam and Dean. She could have been gone a day, maybe more. She notices it's dark outside as she falls to the floor with a thud.  
  
Sam runs to her side from the kitchen table, Dean just behind him. "You were gone for three days! Are you okay? Where did you go?" Sam helps her off the floor.  
  
"Kenya, I was in Kenya." She rubs her head that is now throbbing, another half truth.  
  
"No, really. Where did you go, Lex?" Dean asks.  
  
"Kenya," She says again. "I'm fine. Cas just needed to go over a few things with me. He said my plan should work. I need you to take these and put them on, they'll hide us from the angels."  
  
With the angel amulets around their necks, Lexi explains her plan, "Dean, the first soul you rip into in hell breaks the first seal of Lucifer's cage. After that there are sixty-four more seals that Lilith will break, but the sixty-sixth, Sam will break."

Sam breathes out loudly, and she reaches for his hand. "This is why it's so important to kill Ruby as soon as possible. I've already told you that she manipulates you and your abilities and makes you think you have to kill Lilith."

Dean throws an _I told you so_ look at Sam.

"She makes you think, along with some asshole angels, that Lilith is going to break the final seal but really Lilith IS the final seal. With Ruby gone, you can't do it - you won't, and as far as Cas and I are aware, you're the only one that can do it."  
  
Sam and Dean exchange confused looks. "Asshole angels?" They ask her in unison. Dean cocks an eyebrow at Lexi, he saw the creature dust turn white when it touched her.  
  
"Yes, asshole angels." She looks at Dean. "But they're not all assholes, just some of them. They want the Apocalypse to happen. It's heaven on Earth."  
  
The brothers' confusion deepens. "Isn't heaven on Earth a good thing?" Sam asks carefully.  
  
"Trust me, no," Lexi answers.  
  
Dean clears his throat. "But what about me?"  
  
"Cas says that the only way to get you out of your deal is to kill Lilith, and we can't do that, not with out Sam and Ruby," Lexi says gently.  
  
Dean pushes himself up from the couch, picks up a lamp and throws it against the wall. Sam and Lexi both stay still.

Dean turns and walks out of the cabin but she go after him in the dark, "Dean, my-Cas is infiltrating now-Cas' garrison, he's trying to make it so he saves you right away. I know that's not what you want to hear." Lexi hangs her head. "I'm sorry."  
  
With his back now turned to her, Dean whispers, "I know, Lex. I know you're trying. I just need...God I don't know, I just need to go."

Dean gets in the Impala and drives off, leaving her standing on the porch.  
  
Sam walks up and wraps his arms around her waist from behind. "He'll be back."  
  
Lexi cleans up the shards from the broken lamp and Sam makes some sandwiches for a late dinner. Sam brings them upstairs and pulls her clothes away before they climb into the bed. She eats half of her sandwich before falling asleep in Sam's lap.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a part with Crowley coming up that could be thought of as non-con. You might have to squint to see it, but it's there. Just a warning.

After just a couple hours of sleep, Lexi wakes up breathless and sweating, her dream slipping away as she tries to remember it. She finally grasps on to one word and whispers it aloud, "Crowley"  
  
Sam sits up next to her, looking confused. "How do I know that name?"  
  
"To you? Lilith's right-hand man."

Lexi jumps out of bed, naked, slipping on Sam's plaid shirt and begins to dig through her duffel bag, looking for her version of John Winchester's journal.

Upon finding it, she frantically flips through the pages until she finds the summoning spell she's looking for. She mumbles through the needed ingredients and runs downstairs, journal in hand, Sam only steps behind her.  
  
Lexi ransacks the pantry for the needed herbs, chalk and candles. She quickly marks through the demon warding painted on the walls and cleans off the kitchen table. She starts to draw the symbol depicted on the journal entries and reaches over to the light the candles, but Sam steps between the lit match and the candle.  
  
He's seen something similar in books of Bobby's. He doesn't need to ask, because he knows exactly what she's doing, but he does anyhow. "You're summoning a demon?"  
  
"Uh huh," Lexi mutters as she tries to reach around Sam and light the candle.  
  
"Lexi! NO!"  
  
"He's not just a demon." She stops and tries to think of the words to explain Crowley. In the end, she decides to be honest. "In my time, he's a friend."  
  
Sam looks down on Lexi, he's shocked. "You're friends with a demon?"  
  
Lexi scoffs. "People in glass houses, Sam." But as soon as the adage falls from her mouth, she regrets it. Hurt and confusion fill Sam's eyes, he doesn't know what she means, not really. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. It's just that Crowley isn't just a demon, he's different. He's my friend, he's your friend, even Dean's friend. I swear, I will explain everything, but not now." She steps up on her toes and kisses him. "Please, just trust me."  
  
"I do trust you, it's just that... He's not your-Crowley, that's all."  
  
Lexi smirks up at him, "That's why you're here, Winchester. Just don't kill him; he's important." She leans back over the table, finishing the spell with the incantation and taking a knife and cutting her hand, adding her own blood to the bowl of herbs. "I wish I had a bottle of Glencraig."  
  
Sam watches Lexi, confused by her last words, but his face changes quickly. He sees Crowley first, and Lexi spins around to follow his gaze.  
  
"Craig, you say?" Crowley walks over to Lexi. "Oh, me too, Poppet. It's my favorite, but how would a little morsel such as yourself know this?" Crowley runs a finger down her jaw, seductively.  
  
Lexi can feel Sam's body grow tense next to her, but she tries to ignore it. Instead, she keeps her eyes on Crowley - he looks different. She'd always known that he was a demon before, a cross road demon, then King of the Cross Roads and eventually King of Hell, but in her time he was human with demon powers, he even aged in her time. He is a friend, a _close_ friend. He helped her get here, that of course is _her_ secret.

The reality of the situation before her slaps Lexi in the face, and she has to deal with it, for Dean. She assumes demon-Crowley isn't a patient demon.  
  
"My interest in you is waning, love," Crowley whispers in her hair, nuzzling her ear.  
  
Sam clears his throat, clearly annoyed with Crowley being so fresh with Lexi. He's fighting every urge to step between Lexi and Crowley, but he holds himself back. Lexi asked him to trust her, and he does.  
  
Crowley directs his attention momentarily to Sam. "I knew I smelled a Winchester." And with a flick of his wrist, Sam is sent to the nearest wall of the cabin, unable to move. Lexi gasps and tries to run to him, but Crowley has other plans.  
  
"Now, pet." He grabs her, spinning her roughly around so she faces him. "You've summoned me in a way that not many are familiar with. Who are you? You've piqued my interest."  
  
This is not going as she planned. Lexi looks over at Sam, who is still struggling against the wall, three feet up off the floor.  
  
"Oh I see, love, cat's got your tongue." Crowley nuzzles her ear again, nipping at her earlobe gently, and he whispers,"I have ways of making you talk, you know." He puts his hand on her lower back, sending waves of pleasure thorough her body. She groans and is immediately putty in Crowley's hands, nothing else matters to her; she is under his spell. "I'd like a name please."  
  
"L-Lexi Winchester," she stutters out.  
  
"Another Winchester? You're new." He picks up a lock of Lexi's hair and brings it to his nose, breathing in her scent. "Oh, yes," he groans, "You smell nice. You picked a good one here, Sam." Crowley licks up her neck, stopping at her jaw, "1988, excellent vintage, but there's something that I can't quite..."

Suddenly, Crowley presses his lips against hers, and she tries to pull away, but Crowley holds her close to him. His kisses are intoxicating, the protests Sam is screaming at Crowley, are mere whispers to Lexi as Crowley invades her mouth, his tongue searching every inch and teasing her tongue. When he pulls away, her body betrays her, she lets out a whine, actually wanting more. Crowley studies her, his brow creased with concentration.  
  
"Oh, the times we could have, love. You're a special one, aren't you? Not from here, not from this time. Born in 1988, but aged twenty-five years. Oh, you are a special one, love. I could pick you apart, piece by piece and get all kinds of information from you. You're extra special, but that's a secret, yes?" He buries his face in Lexi's hair. "Angel in disguise," he whispers so Sam can't hear. "But not really. Very interesting."  
  
Still under Crowley's spell, all she can do is stare at Crowley's lips, silently hoping and praying he'll stop talking and put them on her again. She opens her mouth to beg, for him to touch her again when Sam catches the corner of her eye. She starts to turn her head toward him, almost breaking the spell, when Crowley reaches for her face and turns it back to him. "Tell me what you want, poppet."  
  
She licks her lips and faintly tastes Crowley. "You know I'm not from here." Lexi breathes heavily as Crowley runs his fingers across her neck, making her shiver. "But I know you in my time. I help you become the King of Hell." That's a lie of course. She doesn't help him, but Sam and Dean's actions make the way for Crowley to gain the title. "You owe me a favor."  
  
"Go on," Crowley commands as he walks around to the back of her, pulling her hair off of the back of her neck and oh-so gently kissing the bare skin, sending a shiver up Lexi's spine.  
  
She groans as he spins her back around to face him. "D-Dean's deal, w-what would it take to get h-him out of it?" She stammers out, unable to stop looking at Crowley's lips.  
  
Crowley lets his head fall back and a deep moan escapes his lips. "I thought you'd never ask. I'm sure we can come up with a deal we can all agree on."

Crowley's hand trails down her neck, chest and stops between her legs, licking his lips at the discovery that she's completely naked under Sam's button up shirt. His fingers slide inside her, and she's instantly wet, and her knees shake. Crowley holds her close to him and steadies her. Sam's protests become violent, but Crowley isn't done with Lexi yet, and until he is, his spell makes it so her attention is only on him. Sam is barely a whisper in the background.  
  
"You'd trade places with Dean? His soul for your feathery one?" Crowley whispers as he unbuttons the shirt she's wearing.  
  
She nods.  
  
Sam is screaming furiously at Crowley - at Lexi - trying anything to get her attention, but it can't be torn away from Crowley, because he won't allow it.  
  
"I'll give you a year, just like Dean. You agree, and his soul is his own. But since I owe you this favor, your soul won't go to the pit. It will be mine to do with whatever I choose, love." His fingers still working on her buttons. "We'll have all kinds of fun," Crowley whispers seductively.  
  
"I want ten years," she whispers, "My soul is worth ten years and then I'm yours, forever."  
  
Crowley lifts an eyebrow at her demands, but nods his head. "We usually seal deals with a kiss, but this deal is special. I think it calls for something with a bit more... _spark_." Crowley slides Lexi's shirt off her arms and it falls to the floor, leaving her completely naked.  
  
Lexi nods her head and leans into kiss Crowley, his arms scooping her up, bridal style.

His lips almost touch hers, and her world goes silent. Lexi doesn't hear Sam's screams, she doesn't hear the warning bells, the loud whistles or see the red flags in her mind, but she does hear the gun shot ,and she sees Crowley stumble backwards, the bullet barely grazing him. He drops Lexi and at that moment Sam goes tumbling to the floor, whatever spell Crowley had over Lexi is broken.

She looks up to see Dean holding the Colt. Crowley is gone.  
  
"NO!!!" Lexi screams.  
  
Sam scrambles over to her, covering her up with the shirt Crowley had cast aside.  
  
"Dean! What the hell?!" Lexi screams at him. "I was saving you!" She weakly pushes Sam away from her.  
  
"Not like this Lex, you're not selling your soul for me."  
  
"Lexi, what were you thinking? Did you have this planned the whole time?" Sam yells, helping her up from the floor and steadying her unsteady body.  
  
"Of course I did!" She yells, shrugging out of Sam's arms, buttoning up her shirt and reaching for the Crowley's summoning spell again.  
  
Sam yanks it from her hands. "No! You're not doing it again."  
  
"Don't you get it? He was going to give me ten years! In less than four years Crowley is a friend! He would let me out of the deal! I told you, I knew what I was doing!"  
  
"And if you die before then?" Dean yells at her, "Or if the future changes?"  
  
Lexi stops. If she were being honest, she would admit that thought never even entered her mind. Fear of what could have happened washes over her and then the shame comes, shame for being so reckless.

"Oh God. You're right..." She looks up to Sam and then to Dean, "I-I-I didn't think." She starts shaking, adrenaline kicking in from the realization of what could have happened, what almost happened. Sweat beads up on her brow, down her chest and neck and the small of her back.  
  
"You're damn right you didn't think!" Dean yells and storms off to the guest bedroom.  
  
Lexi looks to Sam. His hair is slick with sweat, his neck and chest gleaming with swear too, his face red, and he is shaking with anger and hatred toward Crowley, fear of what could have happened overwhelms him too.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Lexi whispers.  
  
Sam looks away from her. She thinks he's going to walk away too. Lexi holds her breath, but he doesn't leave her side. He brings his gaze back to her and wraps his arms around her, pulling her tightly against his chest. "God dammit, Lexi. You scared the shit out of me."  
  
"I scared the shit out of myself. I'm so sorry," she whispers, almost crying.  
  
"Shhh. It's okay, Lexi. It's okay." Sam carries her upstairs and lies her down on the pillows and covers her with the sheet. "I'll be right back," he whispers. Lexi doesn't have enough energy to protest.  
  
Moments later Sam comes back with a couple bottles of water and warm wet wash cloth. He gives her a drink and wipes the sweat from her face and neck, washes in between her breasts and between her legs, tossing the wash cloth in the laundry basket. Effectively wiping away any trace of Crowley.  
  
"I love you," he murmurs against Lexi's lips, kissing her softly. Sam's loved her since the moment he knew who she was, maybe even before then, but it's this night. This night, she could have been taken away from him, this night he knows this is real. He vows to himself that he'll do anything to keep her safe.  
  
Lexi doesn't hear him, she's asleep. She just hums contentedly and nuzzles into Sam's neck, but if she were awake, she'd say it back in a heart beat.


	9. Chapter 9

November 2007  
  
For two weeks, Dean is pissed at Lexi. He stomps around the cabin, answering her questions with one word responses, basically ignoring her. He refuses to be in the same room with her without Sam too. It hurts, but Lexi knows she deserves it. She doesn't push it. She gives Dean his space, hoping he'll come back around.

When this carries over to the third week, Sam starts to get annoyed. He snaps at Dean more than usual, which makes Lexi feel even worse, she doesn't want to make them fight.

She spends a lot of time alone on her rock, looking out at the river.  
  
The next day, Sam drives Lexi into town, she's bringing out the big guns now.

Up and down the isles in the grocery store, she waves at people who she hasn't seen in years, but who would swear on a stack of bibles they saw her just weeks ago. Lexi fills the cart with flour, eggs, sugar, frozen fruit, cream cheese, brown sugar, and other baking things. Coffee, toilet paper, laundry soap, steaks and ground beef for Dean, and fruits and veggies for Sam.

While Lexi puts the groceries on the belt in the check out line, Sam walks across the street to stock on some Hunter's Helper for Dean. He also grabs a bottle of tequila to replace the one Dean polished off the first night they were at the cabin.  
  
As Lexi counts the cash in her hand to pay for the groceries, she sees Gabe standing with two guys she recognizes as Mike Brown and Nick Benton. Gabe just nods at her, he doesn't come over. She notices he whispers something to Mike and Nick. Lexi deduces that they must be off again right now, _thank God._ The cashier hands Lexi her change with the receipt and a smile.

The bag boy starts to put bags in Lexi's cart as Sam walks up, two brown paper bags in his hands."Did you get everything you needed?" Sam puts his bags in the cart with the rest, nodding a silent thank you to the bag boy, who makes his way over to the next line to bag more groceries.  
  
"Yup," Lexi answers with a smile. "Did you?" Her eyes flicker down to the paper bags Sam put in the cart.  
  
He bends down to kiss her. "Just some stuff Dean asked for."  
  
Lexi can feel Gabe's eyes on her and on Sam. She smiles up at Sam, trying her best to act like nothing is going on and pushes the cart toward the exit doors. Sam opens the door for her, letting her walk out first, following closely behind her, his hand on the small of her back. They load the groceries in the backseat of the Impala, knowing the trunk doesn't have room.

As she pushes the cart into the cart corral, she lets out a breath, thinking she avoided a situation she wasn't comfortable being a part of, but as she turns to walk back to the Impala, Mike, Gabe and Nick are standing there.  
  
It's not that Gabe is a bad guy, maybe a little jealous, but not a bad guy. They broke up several times for stupid reasons, so stupid that she couldn't think of a single reason for their final break-up or for any break-up for that matter. They were just two small town kids with nothing better to do, and now after so many years of being away, she was back in the small town, and so was Gabe.  
  
"Lexi Garrison," Gabe sighs, his tone sarcastic. "Who's the giant you're with, a little old for you, don't you think?"  
  
Lexi rolls her eyes and thinks, _if you only knew. Technically I'm older than him._

"Hi, Gabe." Annoyance fills her voice. "Mike, Nick."

She starts to walk away, and Gabe grabs her arm tightly, stopping her. She looks down at his fingers clasped around her arm, his fingers tight enough to cause pink circles bloom on her arm. Her eyes then travel up to Gabe's brown eyes, his sandy brown hair curling around his ears in the trademark 'hockey hair' style. Gabe's twenty-three now, but you'd never know it; he's always looked so young.

"What the hell? Let me go!" Lexi knows Gabe would never hurt her, but it still surprises her that he'd grab her like this. As she shakes her arm away, Sam walks up to her side.  
  
"Everything okay?" Sam asks, eying the three guys standing near Lexi. He immediately picks Gabe out of the trio. It's obvious to Sam, the way Gabe is glaring at him. Gabe's tall at an inch over six feet, but Sam's got more than just one inch over six feet, and he shamelessly uses it to step between Gabe and Lexi.  
  
"Everything is fine, Sam. Let's just go." She grabs his hand and leads him away from Gabe, Nick, and Mike. Sam tosses an annoyed and slightly territorial look over his shoulder at Gabe, but follows Lexi to the Impala.  
  
"So that's Gabe?" Sam says tension in his voice, face, and hands that grip the steering wheel as he drives them out of the parking lot. As they pass the three of them still standing at the cart corral, Lexi hears Gabe say something about 'Sam's shitty car," and she thinks,  _it's a good thing Dean wasn't here to hear that._  
  
"Yup, that's Gabe." Lexi shakes her head and sees Sam clench his jaw. She slides across the seat and Sam lifts his arm, wrapping it around her, "Not everyone has kind, sweet, and beautiful people in their past." She kisses his cheek and snuggles into his chest.

She means Jess, and Sam knows it.

  
-  
  
After a week of apple pies, a cherry cheese cake, a peach cobbler, perfectly grilled steaks, and cheese burgers, Dean seems to be in a better mood. He makes eye contact with Lexi and after the peach cobbler, he even rubs her shoulder and tells her dinner was good.

That night Lexi talks with Sam and tells him the plan she has. After listening, Sam nods in agreement and says, "It can't hurt."  
  
The next morning, Lexi gets dressed and takes her keys to the Impala. She sneaks outside, climbs in the passenger seat and starts Dean's baby up. She knows the rumble of the engine will wake Dean, and when he sees Sam sitting in the living room reading, Dean will know who started the car.

Moments later, he pokes his head out of the front door, pulling his jacket on and starts to walk toward the car. "What the hell are you doing?" He spits his words at Lexi through the partially opened car window.  
  
"I need to go to town," Lexi replies casually.  
  
Dean turns to go back into the house. "Sam can take you," he barks over his shoulder.  
  
She rolls down the window the rest of the way."Dean, please?"  
  
With a heavy sigh, he stops, turns around and climbs into the Impala. "Where do you need to go?"

Dean is curious to find out where this is going. He knows that if Lex really needed to go somewhere, she'd ask Sam, but he decides to play along.  
  
"I'm taking you out for breakfast," she announces with a smile. She swears she sees a smile creep up on Dean's face as he pulls out of the driveway. Her plan is starting off well.  
  
In a quaint little diner, Dean looks at his menu and not Lexi. He doesn't say a word.

"I used to work here when I was in high school," she offers.  

Dean lifts his eyebrows and slightly nods his head.

"Best cheese burgers in the county," Lexi tries again, knowing he loves his cheeseburgers, and this place serves them up with extra grease and heavy on the onions, exactly Dean's figurative cup of tea.

Dean calls her bluff and stays silent and expressionless until the waitress comes. Lexi recognizes her immediately. This is part of Lexi's plan, she had hoped this particular waitress was working this morning.  
  
"Lexi?" The waitress squeals out as she walks up to their table.  
  
"Hi Cami. How have you been?" Lexi asks with a smile, but Cami's attention is on Dean, and she doesn't answer Lexi's question. This is exactly what Lexi had planned. She smiles. "Dean, this is Cami Lightfoot. We went to school together. Cami, this is Dean. He's my bro- I mean my boyfriend's brother." She almost slipped up and called him 'my brother-in-law.'

Dean notices, but lets it go.

Cami is tall, leggy and lean, ridiculously beautiful with long dark brown hair and tan skin that isn't from a tanning bed. Dean notices this and flashes a toothy smile her way.  
  
Lexi pretends that her menu is riveting and tries to ignore their flirtatious banter. Finally, it ends with Cami giving Dean her phone number as she takes their order. Dean orders sausage with his eggs, and Lexi orders bacon. This is done purposefully - she plans on eating one piece and giving the other the pieces to Dean. She knows he loves bacon.  
  
"You planned that," Dean says, taking a sip of his coffee.

He can see right through Lexi, she thinks if she shoves a pretty face at him, it'll better his mood. He smiles and thinks to himself, _She's not wrong._  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she teases with a smile. She gets up from her side of the booth and slides next to Dean. "I'm sorry, Dean. You're right, I wasn't thinking, and if you hadn't come in and stopped things when you did," Lexi pauses, her mind flashing scenarios of what could have been. She shakes the images out of her head and continues, "It would have been bad." Her soul wouldn't have gone to the pit, like it would have under normal circumstances, but Crowley promised it would stay with him. She has no idea what that means.  
  
Dean stay silent, but he keeps eye contact with Lexi.  
  
She goes on, "And I know that you don't know me, I'm just...well, I don't really know what I am to you, but you are my brother-in-law, you live...lived," she corrects herself, "in the apartment over our garage. You're Alex's godfather, and you're my best friend. You mean a lot to me, and I just wanted you to know."

The past three weeks of Dean being angry with her and giving her the cold shoulder were painful and difficult, but it was more than that. After Sam and her children were gone, Dean was all she had. They lived together, he took care of her when she couldn't get out of bed, when she couldn't walk. Dean never hired a nurse, despite the doctor's orders, he just did everything from the minute she left the hospital, until the time he left. They were close before, but after everything, they were dependent on each other, and it hurt that Dean wouldn't even look at her half the time.  
  
Dean keeps quiet, and Lexi takes his silence as him still being angry with her. She gets up to go back to her side of the booth, but Dean stops her by gently putting his hand over hers and yells, "Sweetheart?" He's looking at Cami.  
  
She spins around at Dean's call with a smile.  
  
"Can you make those to go?" He asks, the Dean-smile flashing full force.  
  
"Sure thing." She nods back at him.  
  
Lexi looks up at Dean, confused, but he nudges her out of the booth. Lexi stands up, Dean doing the same thing. He smiles down on her. "C'mon, Lex, let's go."  
  
Dean pays for breakfast, and he carries the styrofoam containers out to the car and they both slide in the front seat. "Where are we going?" Lexi wonders.  
  
Dean pulls out of the diner parking lot and drives, not answering Lexi. After a bit her pulls into a park along side the river. "How do you even know about this?" She asks.  
  
He simply says, "I ended up here a few weeks ago."  
  
They sit on top of the picnic table, their feet resting on the place where people are actually supposed to sit. They eat their breakfast in silence.

True to her plan, Lexi eats her eggs and one piece of bacon, sliding the other three into Dean's to go container. He smiles at her, but keeps quiet. She breaks her toast apart and tosses it to the geese honking noisily on the river bank while Dean eats. The geese honk at each other, arguing in their own geese language about which one gets the bigger piece. When Dean finishes his breakfast, he takes Lexi's empty container and tosses them in a near by garbage can and then takes his place on the picnic table next to Lexi.  
  
She slides closer to him and rests her chin on his shoulder. "Say something," she whispers, "If you're mad at me, let me have it, but the silent treatment...I can't handle it anymore. I was wrong, I'm sorry."  
  
Putting his arm around her, he sighs and says, "I'm not mad at you, Lex. You just scared me. I saw you with Crowley, and all I could think about was Sammy having to go through it all over again. After Jess, I didn't think he'd ever find anybody, and then he found you, but you went and offered yourself up for me. And I couldn't let you, not for me Lex, I'm not worth it. You're the only person I trust to take care of Sammy when I'm gone."  
  
A single tear falls from each of Dean's eyes, and Lexi moves so she's kneeling between Dean's feet, her face in hers. She wipes his tears from his cheeks and holds his face in her hands. Dean flinches at her touch, but Lexi doesn't let go. "You are worth it, Dean. You're a good man and you don't deserve to go to hell. You deserve to be saved." She rests her forehead on his. "You are a good man," she whispers again.  
  
Lexi turns around and sits down between Dean's feet, her head resting against his knee. They sit in silence, starting at the river. Dean's phone buzzes in his pocket. He pulls it out and looks at it. "It's Sam," he says with a rough voice and hands it to Lexi.  
  
"Hey," she answers with a whisper.  
  
"Lexi, are you okay? You forgot your phone here." Sam can instantly tell she's upset, he's concerned.  
  
"Yeah, I'm good," she reassures him.  
  
"And Dean?"  
  
She turns around to look up at Dean, they smile weakly at each other, and she reaches for his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, "He's fine. We'll be home later, okay?"  
  
"Love you," Sam whispers. It's not the first time he's said this to her, but it's the first time she hears him.  
  
Lexi grins. "I love you too, Sam." She closes the phone and hands it back to Dean. Resting her head back on Dean's knee, she stares back out at the water.  
  
"What am I like when I come back?" Dean whispers.  
  
"Broken," she answers honestly, "But you heal, and then you meet me. I help you, we do this a lot."  
  
"Where do we live?" Dean changes the subject.  
  
"Bobby gave Sam and I a small chunk of his land, for a wedding present. It's past all the rusted up cars and back in the trees. You built us a house as your present for us. Three bedrooms, two baths, two stall garage that neither Sam nor I could even use, the Impala and all your crap filled it up." Lexi smiles over her shoulder at Dean. "Your apartment is above the garage. You also built me a small music studio, I used it to teach music lessons."  
  
"I stop hunting?" Dean asks in disbelief.  
  
Lexi moves back up on top of the picnic table next to Dean, he looks at her. "It's different then. Something happened, there really aren't any demons left. There are the occasional spirits and random monsters, but it's mostly pretty quiet."  
  
"Really?" He's shocked. "So what do I do then? Do I have a job?"  
  
"For awhile you worked at Bobby's, and then at an auto shop. You also did some free-lance stuff, but you were the girls' favorite baby sitter. After the fire and after Sam, you took care of me.  
  
"Free-lance stuff?"  
  
"Kind of like a bounty hunter. You tracked down people who skipped their bail."  
  
Dean half-smiles and nods his head. Lexi can tell he thinks that wouldn't be a half-bad gig. He knows he'd be good at it. "Sam said a demon, the fire..." Dean says gently.  
  
Lexi looks away and sighs, it never gets easy talking about that night. "I'm still not sure how it all happened." Its not a lie, but it's not the truth either. Lexi knows what happened, she was there, but how it all happened was never made totally clear. Either way, she's not ready to tell it all. Maybe she never will be. "It was the same as with Sam, Antonia was six months old--"  
  
"But I killed Yellow-Eyes! I shot that fucker dead!"  
  
"I know, it was one of his...followers. Trying to start everything all over again, I suppose." More half truths.  
  
"But we get him?"  
  
Lexi nods her head. "You get him."  
  
They both fall quiet and stare back out on the river. It takes a few minutes, but Dean is first to break the silence, "I'm not going to do it, you know."  
  
"Do what?" She asks, looking back at Dean.  
  
"Break," he starts, "When I'm in hell. I'm not going to get off that rack."  
  
Lexi feels her heart drop in her chest, she's shocked and has no idea what to say.  
  
"It'll fix everything, right? Sammy won't have to go to hell? If I don't, then I won't break the first seal?" Dean doesn't look over at Lexi, his eyes fixed on the flowing river.  
  
Her eyes are huge as she looks at Dean and shakes her head. "I can't ask you to do that."  
  
He sighs and looks back up to Lexi. "I saw what that dust did to you. I saw it turn white. Are you angel?"  
  
She rubs her face with her hands and shakes her head. "I wish I knew. When Cas sent me back here, he did something to me. He gave me a part of him, it's called grace. It's supposed to protect me."  
  
Dean raises his eyebrows. "How?"  
  
She shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. I don't really know what I am. But I'll be damned if I'm a lofty perch, harp playing kind of angel!" She teases.  
  
Dean snickers. "You got wings?"  
  
She elbows Dean in the ribs. "Not that I know of." She laughs and shows him her back. "Do I?"  
  
He pats her back. "Nope, you're good."  
  
"Can you not tell Sam?" She asks softly. "I swear, I'll tell him. I just need to wait to make sure...I just need to wait."  
  
Dean nods his head in agreement and promises he won't say anything. "Am I different in the future, than what I am now?" Dean changes the subject again.  
  
"I assume you mean if you're going to be different after you come back from hell?"  
  
Dean nods.  
  
"Sam once told me that you had a hard time. You lashed out, you drank too much, you had violent outbursts. I read in one of your journals that the things you felt inside you, the guilt you felt over...what you _did_ in hell, you wished you couldn't feel anything." Lexi can visibly see Dean's face, his shoulders, his heart, his soul, she can see everything fall, but she takes his chin in her hand and lifts it back up, "But in the last few years you're...you're kind, you're gentle. You're my best friend, but the way you yelled at me when I first came here...I haven't heard you yell like that in years, I was so shocked."  
  
The look on Dean's face tells Lexi that he is having a hard time believing what she just said: that he is her best friend, that he's kind and gentle. He thinks that the way he yelled at her when he first saw her is just how he is. He was protecting Sam. Lexi was a stranger that made her way into their lives in a matter of hours and Dean doesn't take well to strangers, it's always been just him and Sam.  
  
Lexi continues, "My girls loved you. You were patient with them, attentive, giving, loving. You're a good man, Dean. You'll always be a good man. They loved you, Sam loves you, I love you."  
  
Dean's eyes go wide at Lexi's admission of love and it occurs to her that he probably hasn't been told that since he was a boy. She's sure Mary said it to him all the time, Sam too and maybe John on a few occasions, but now as an adult, she's sure it hardly ever gets said. She can feel Dean holding in sobs next to her, and she wraps his arms around his shoulders and brings his head down to her chest, comforting him like she used to comfort her girls.

She holds him close, smoothing his hair and whispering, "It's okay, I'm here, Dean. It's okay." She rocks his body back and forth gently. Dean's fists grab on to the collar of her jacket tightly, and he holds in sobs that shake his body. After a while Dean's tears stop, he sits up and wipes his face, Lexi pretends not to notice.  
  
Dean clears his throat. "So do I have anyone back in the future?"  
  
"There have been a couple girls over the years. One pretty serious, and I think she would have been the one if...if everything wouldn't have happened."  
  
Dean nods his head. "I never thought Sammy and me settling down would ever happen. Didn't ever think it was an option."  
  
Lexi looks at him and smiles. "You'll get there. I promise you will." Dean looks at her, his eyebrows raised like he doesn't believe her. The smile still on her face, she repeats herself, "You'll get there."  
  
The look on Dean's face changes, and before Lexi knows what's happening, Dean leans in and kisses her. It's soft and just lasts a second before Dean pulls away. His eyes huge, his face full of shame. "I'm sorry. I-I don't know why I did that. Dammit..."

Dean gets up from the picnic table and starts to walk away.  
  
Quickly, Lexi grabs his hand and stops him, "Dean, I love you. I really do, but we...we can't..."  
  
Dean wipes his mouth with his hand and looks away from her. "It's not like that. He looks back at Lexi, keeping her eyes with his. "I swear, it's not like that."  
  
Suddenly, Lexi knows exactly what he means, and it's strange. She can _feel_ it.

She knows that telling Dean that she loves him, even though it was in the you're-my-brother-in-law-and-my-best-friend sort of way, it was still love. Showing him adoration, faith, telling him that he's a good man, that he is kind and gentle, Lexi can feel it's just an emotional overload for him. She knows it is. This-Dean's not used to this. This-Dean doesn't know love like Lexi's-Dean does. This-Dean only knows fighting and survival, vengeance and war, death and loss, he's only used to the hang-on-by-the-tips-of-your-fingers relationship he has with Sam. This-Dean doesn't know love, familial or even real romantic love. She knows, _she can feel_ , that Dean's kiss isn't anything romantic. She knows it, and she pulls Dean into a hug, because she knows he needs it. "I know Dean, it's okay."  
  
Dean presses his lips into a thin line and lets out a heavy sigh. He looks at Lexi like he doesn't believe her, like he's so disappointed in himself, but Lexi could never be disappointed in Dean.  
  
"It really is okay. She grabs his hand and leads him to the Impala. "Let's go home."  
  
Dean drives silently, his eyes don't leave the road.  
  
Lexi whispers, "Just so you know, if you ever need to talk. About anything, I'll any questions that I can. I promise."  
  
"I know, Lex. Thanks."  
  
She nods her head, and they don't say another word the whole way back to the cabin. Lexi can see it on Dean's face, and she can feel the guilt and shame radiating off of him. She wishes with all her heart she could make it go away.  
  
Neither Lexi nor Dean mention the kiss again for many years.


	10. Chapter 10

The next few days are uncomfortable for everyone. Dean is avoiding Lexi when Sam's not around and acting like everything is fine when Sam is in the room. Lexi lets him. It hurts, but she lets Dean push her away. This-Sam is her-Sam and she is his-Lexi, but Dean isn't to that point yet. She knows she has to accept that.  
  
At first she thinks the kiss if the reason Dean keeps her at an arm's length, but Lexi knows what hell is going to be like for Dean and the days are going by so quickly. She soon realizes that she's just a reminder for Dean, that the day is coming and it's happening. As much as she wants to save him, she knows Dean wants to be saved so much more. He's so scared, and even though he puts on a brave face, she can see it in his eyes; she can feel it. The mother in her just wants to wrap her arms around him and comfort him, make him feel loved and safe. She wants to keep him safe from everything, but she can't, she knows she can't and Dean knows it too.  
  
Sam knows there's something going on with Dean and Lexi. She can feel he knows it. It's strange to her, she's never been able to feel people's feelings like this before. Three days after the breakfast with Dean and she can feel Sam worry. They're lying in bed, neither of them can sleep. She can feel Sam start to say something, but he stops himself.  
  
"Sam, just say it."  
  
"Wha-- how did you know?"  
  
"I don't know, I can just feel it. You're worried, about Dean, about me. I don't know what it is..."  
  
"You can feel it? What I'm feeling? Have you always been able to feel what I'm feeling?" Sam rubs her back, she feels him let out a breath in her hair.  
  
"No. Just in the last few days. It's weird, I can't explain it."

"I know what you mean."

"You do? You can feel what I'm feeling?" Lexi asks in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah." Sam pulls her closer to him.  
  
She sits up on the bed, shocked. "Since when? Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"Since Dean went to go get Chinese that first night in the motel room. I could feel the panic you were feeling about coming back at the wrong time. I could feel the confusion you felt when you looked at me. How I looked like your-Sam, but I wasn't. I felt how much you wanted to touch me, how hard it was for you to be so close to me, how much your heart ached for your-Sam. You just wanted me to wrap you in my arms and never let go.  
  
Lexi blows out the breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Wow. Yeah, that about sums it up, but how?"  
  
Sam shrugs, "Maybe the psychic thing?"  
  
She considers it. "Maybe?"  
  
They sit in silence for a minute. Lexi thinks about her borrowed grace, swirling around inside of her, continually winding itself around her soul, further and further, deeper and deeper with each passing day. She knows it's already taken hold inside her, just like Cas said it might. It scares her, because she doesn't know what it means. It almost feels wrong. It makes sense that Sam's psychic abilities would allow him to sense what she's feeling, but she doesn't have those abilities, she has borrowed grace. Grace, that she can feel starting to become her own. Sensing someone's feelings is something angels are able to do. She knows it's time to tell Sam one of her many secrets.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I have to tell you something."  
  
"Okay..." Sam's known Lexi was keeping something from her. Well, he's known she's kept lots of things from him over the last month, but only because she has to, but this is different. He can feel it is.  
  
"Remember when I said Cas did a spell to bring me back here?" Sam nods. "It wasn't just Cas, it was Crowley too."  
  
Lexi feels Sam's body tense next to hers at the mention of Crowley.  
  
"He's human in my time, he still has all his powers, but he's completely human. He has an house, a cable bill, his favorite thing to eat is my lasagna, he ages and everything. They both helped me get here, to save you, but Cas had to do something to me for me to be safe to come back."  
  
Sam lets out a breath, "What?" He couldn't even venture a guess.  
  
"Angels have this thing, they call it grace. You heard Cas talking about it before, the first night I was here and Crowley could sense it in me, the other night. Cas took part of his grace and put it in me, he said it was to keep me safe when I came here. I think that's why I can sense what you're feeling."  
  
"So you're an angel?"  
  
"No." She answers quickly, but then remembers the Creature Dust, "Maybe, I don't know."  
  
Sam lays back down on the bed, taking Lexi with him. He kisses her, "It's going to be okay."  
  
She doesn't say anything, but she can feel he truly believes things are going to be okay. It's a struggle to believe him, but she does. She snuggles into Sam and after a length of silence they fall asleep.  
  
***  
  
Lexi doesn't sleep for very long. She wakes up and quietly starts to get dressed. As she rummages though her clothes for a clean shirt, a piece of papers flutters to the floor. When she picks it up, she realizes it's the bonding ritual Cas gave her before she left. Her heart pounds as she read it.  
  
 _Only an angel can bond souls: Souls to souls or grace to souls, human to human or angel to human._  
  
 _One party will be bonded to the other for all of eternity, and vice versa, their souls one in the same._  
  
 _To complete the ritual, each soul or grace must give themselves over to the other, being of the same soul and belonging to each other._  
  
 _Both human and angel alike, must promise to turn themselves over completely to their bonded. They must be willing to sacrifice themselves for their bonded. They must claim the other as their own, as their charge, swear to protect their bonded and take care of them in all ways._  
  
 _Both angel and human or human and human must do this of their own accord and of their own free will._  
  
 _This bond can only be broken by death or if a bonded commits a betrayal of extreme magnitude._  
  
 _The betrayed may choose to relinquish the bond and the betrayer must respect their wishes._  
  
Under the words is a list of needed ingredients and directions to perform the ritual.  
  
"Jesus," Lexi mutters under her breath. She wonders to herself why Cas would think she'd need to bond someone's soul to another. It doesn't make sense.  
  
"It's like a heavenly form of marriage." Sam says out of nowhere, startling Lexi and she jumps. She thought Sam was still sleeping. He chuckles softly as he nuzzles and kisses the back of her neck. "Where did you get this?"  
  
"Cas gave it to me before I left. He said it might come in handy. I don't know what for though."  
  
"It says only angel can do it."  
  
Lexi stares at the paper, focusing on its first sentence. _Only an angel can bind souls..._ Did Cas mean Sam and her? Lexi start to fold the paper back the way it was, but Sam stops her. She looks up at him with confusion.  
  
"We could do this, Lexi. YOU can do this."  
  
She spins around and stares at him, "What? Sam, no. You don't..."  
  
Sam cuts her off with a kiss. "I love you. I already told you, you're MY Lexi. I've known it since the first day."  
  
She's speechless. Of course she wants to be with Sam. "This is forever, Sam."  
  
"I know."  
  
She just stares up at him. She doesn't know what to say.  
  
"Do you want this? Do you want to be with me?" Sam asks, knowing the answer to his own question.  
  
"Of course! Of course I do. But..."  
  
Sam smiles at Lexi. She can feel inside her soul how sure Sam is, how sure he is that he wants to be with her.  
  
"I don't know for sure if I can do this. I mean, do the ritual. I don't know what my grace, what Cas' grace means."  
  
Sam wraps his arms around her, "We can try, if you want. You're MY Lexi," he says to her again.  
  
Lexi stands up on her tiptoes and kisses him. She nods against his lips and whispers smiling, "You're my Sam."

-

They perform the ritual on Lexi's rock over looking the river, the next night.  
  
Cas' ritual calls for a gifts to be exchanged between the bonded. Also listed are two red candle sticks and one white votive. The ingredients are surprisingly simple, Lexi has them all in the pantry; lavender, poppy seeds, two rose quartz stones and blood from both her and Sam.  They bring their gifts, the needs ingredients, a knife, and a blanket to her rock on the river.

Together they sit down on the rock, their legs criss-crossed, the river behind them. They face each other, the bowl between them and Lexi mixes the ingredients, as Sam watches. She can feel him, he has nothing but love and complete confidence in her, but her hands shake and she smiles anyway.

Reciting the Latin written out in Cas' handwriting, Lexi continues to mix all the ingredients, except for their blood; before adding their blood, they're to exchange their gifts.  
  
Lexi bought Sam a leather bound journal, similar to John's but the leather is darker, a more rich brown. It's a near replica to the one Sam had in 2014.

She brought the journal to a leathersmith and had a quote by Emily Brönte engraved in gold lettering into the inside cover. She hands it to Sam and he opens the cover, reading the engraving. _"Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same."_ He looks up at her, a surprised and astounded look spreads across his face. He mouths, 'I love it', while handing Lexi the gift he picked out for her.  
  
It's a ancient looking wooden box. Carefully, she opens it and inside is a necklace, the chain so tiny and delicate, it looks like pieces of silver glitter strung together. She takes it out and lets it dangle from her fingers, noticing that hanging from the chain is a moonstone, the exact color of Cas' grace. The silver setting the moonstone sits in, has a symbol carved into the flat back side of it. She immediately recognizes it as an anti-possession symbol. It's beautiful.

Sam reaches over the bowl of ingredients and clasps the necklace behind Lexi's neck. His fingers brush her jaw and cheek tenderly as he pulls away.  
  
A red candle stick sits next to each of them, they each light their own and together light the white votive inside the bowl with the herbs. The herbs immediately catch fire, burning up, sending a pleasant smell up around them and into the night air. All that's left is the small white votive burning in the bowl.

Lexi breathes in deeply to steady herself and grasps the knife sitting next to her on the blanket. She reaches for Sam's hand and presses the knife into his skin gently, dragging it along the palm of his hand. The knife is sharp and blood trickles out of the cut and pools slowly into his palm. She then hands the knife to Sam and he does the same to her right palm.  
  
They wind their fingers together, their bleeding hands clasped, blood trickling down into small flame in the bowl. She finishes reading the Latin and begins feel her grace spinning inside of her, thrumming everywhere in her body and making everything vibrate. A burst of bright blue-white light comes forth from her chest and explodes between them, flying up into the night sky, like a thousand stars brightly proclaiming to the world and to the heavens that these two souls have committed their lives to one another, now and forever. The sheer force of it all should have knocked them apart, but they hold on to each others hand so tightly that they barely move.

Lexi can feel both her and Sam's souls intertwining through their bleeding hands; his soul threading itself with Lexi's, both of their essences weaving themselves into one, never to part, together forever.  She can feel her grace swirling inside her, and all around them, the thousands of bright blue-white stars sent up into the sky, falling back to the earth, falling back into Lexi. Except this time it's not like a constellation of stars like when Cas put it inside her, now it feels like a galaxy, so bright, so strong, so warm. It feels like home.  
  
Sam's eyes are closed. She knows he can feel it too. She can feel everything he's feeling, so much stronger than before, it's not just feelings or emotions, she can now feel sensations too. His eyes are still closed, Lexi moves the bowl aside with her free hand and moves over to Sam. She sit in his lap, her legs around his middle. He pulls their bleeding hands, still clasped together, between their chests and wraps his free arm around Lexi. The second Sam kisses her, the ritual is complete, their souls are bonded.  
  
Their souls are one, they are the same.


	11. Chapter 11

Christmas 2007  
  
Both Sam's and Dean's journals talk of Dean's 'last Christmas'. Having ganked two pagan gods, (Madge and Edward Carrigan, if Lexi remembers correctly) with their own Christmas tree. After their victorious kill, Sam decorated a Charlie Brown tree in their dingy motel room with multi-colored Little Tree brand air fresheners. He served Dean brandy laced egg nog in plastic complimentary motel cups and together they exchanged gifts of motor oil, candy bars, shaving cream, and skin mags; all purchased from the friendly neighborhood Gas n Sip, no doubt. She can almost picture them kicking back on the couch, shoulder to shoulder as they watched the game.    
  
Lexi knows that moment was a monumental moment for the two brothers and feels guilty that she's taking it away from them, but she does it because there's simply no other choice. Cas told her she has to keep them off that path.  
  
One of the first things she did when she got a private moment away from Sam and Dean was send a list of all the things the boys hunted and a list of people they saved from the moment she found them until Dean went to hell, to Bobby. She explained herself to him, explained her mission was to save both of the brothers and mentioned _Rumsfeld_ , the code word Bobby gave her in 2014 to use if she needed anything. He believed every word she told him.

Lexi smiles at the thought of Bobby and all the things he's done for her in her times of need. He wasn't just a surrogate father for the boys, he took on that roll for her as well.  
  
This year was going to be different, all the years would be different now that the 2014 version of herself was here.

When she wakes early on Christmas morning, untangling herself from Sam's arms, smoothing his hair and shushing him back to sleep, she quietly dresses and creeps down the stairs of her cabin and into the living room.  
  
Under a floor board she had hidden gifts for both Sam and Dean, wrapped up in bright green and red wrapping paper, topped with gold and silver bows. The third gift she takes out of hiding is for a surprise guest. She gently removes them from their hiding place, careful not to crinkle the wrapping paper, both to keep them looking nice, but also because she knows Dean is a light sleeper and doesn't want to spoil the surprise.

She nestles them on top of the red and white tree skirt that once graced her family's living room as a child, under the tree that Sam cut down for her as a surprise. Dean had scoffed at the gesture, but looked proud as he reached up and put the star on the top the evening they decorated it.  
  
Lexi plugs in the lights, straightens a few ornaments that shifted over the last couple days and makes her way into the kitchen. She has lots of work to do. It's her first real Christmas in this cabin, but not her first Christmas with the Winchesters. She's had many of them over the years.

A slight twinge grabs inside her heart as she remembers seeing her oldest daughter digging under the tree that last Christmas morning. Sam snapping pictures, and Dean holding a tiny, two month old Antonia in his arms. She wonders if she'll ever see that vision again. Probably not, but maybe.  
  
In the kitchen Lexi, pulls a faded apron from a drawer. It was something her mother wore every Christmas. It burned up in her home back in 2014, along with most everything she owned. Coming back to the cabin and seeing some of her old things, things she hadn't thought about in years, makes her feel a bit more at ease, considering her recent travels.  She slips the apron over her head and ties it in the back, smoothing the soft fabric down her stomach, looking down on the Christmas wreath that decorates her front. She pulls the turkey from the fridge she bought the week before, now thawed and dresses it with the recipe passed down from her grandmother, to her mother and now to her. The same recipe that she once intended to share with her girls.

Maybe someday she'll get the chance to. Maybe.  
  
While peeling potatoes, she thinks about the traditions she had as a child, how her mother would wake up early, unbeknownst to her, and fill her stocking that Lexi excitedly hung the night before. Always a shiny red apple, the juiciest orange she had all year, a new hair brush, a CD or a movie and a small trinket. Under the tree, her mother would put the gifts from her and her father and then the ones from 'Santa'. Her favorite year, there was nothing under the tree but a shiny new acoustic guitar. She was fourteen, too old to believe in Santa Claus, but there it was. The months leading up to that Christmas, playing guitar was all she talked about.  
  
That was probably her favorite Christmas as a child. Her father sitting on the couch in his green and red obnoxious Rudolph and Budweiser pajama pants and his bright red _'All I Got For Christmas Was This Fugly Sweater'_   tee shirt, his arms wrapped around her mother in her white flannel night gown and snowman slippers. The both of them sipped steaming coffee and watched her clumsily strum the strings of her new guitar.  
  
Now, Lexi looks up from the blueberry, apple, pumpkin and cherry pies she's just taken off the top of the fridge (to hide from Dean), the guitar still hangs on the wall, behind the piano in the cabin. She can't look at it with out thinking of that very moment.  
  
Seven o'clock in the morning comes quickly and she knows both Dean and Sam will stumble into the kitchen, eyes bleary with sleep, at any moment, but she's prepared. The coffee is already brewing, making the cabin smell wonderful and there's a pan of caramel rolls on the counter. She made them the day before when the boys were outside shoveling off the roof and clearing the driveway. Christmas morning caramel rolls, another Garrison family tradition.

Just as she finishes washing the first of what she knows will be many loads of dishes, she hears footsteps behind her. They stop abruptly. She turns to see Dean, standing just as she predicted, bleary eyed, his hair smashed to one side, rubbing his fists over his eyes and yawning the way he probably did as a child, the way he will for many years.  
  
This being his first extended stay in Minnesota, the Kansas born man stands with slippers on his feet, black and gray flannel plants and a long sleeved long john shirt, with a flannel over top, probably a few more layers underneath. He's always bitching about how cold it is in Minnesota, claiming he's not a damn Eskimo, and the look on his face right now lets Lexi know he's thinking the same thing.  
  
"Morning," He grunts as Lexi pours him a cup of coffee, leaving it black because she knows that's how he likes it. "Smells good in here. Smells like pie. I like pie." He says with a sideways smirk on his face and a wink.  
  
Handing him the cup of coffee, Lexi simply says, "It's Christmas."  
  
"I knew you were gonna to get domestic on us, sooner or later." He pulls a stool up to the kitchen island and rubs his hand over his stubbly chin.  
  
Smirking, she takes a small plate from the microwave and sets it down in front of Dean. "I think I already went domestic on you the day I started folding your underwear."

He ignores the underwear comment and perks right up at the sight of sticky gooey caramel rolls. He takes a big bite, chewing a couple times before washing it down with a sip of his coffee.  
  
She looks down at the corded amulet he wears around his neck. Lexi knows Sam gave it to him for Christmas when they were just boys. She knows the magical qualities it possesses, even if Dean doesn't.

Until her trip here, to 2007, she'd never seen it in real life, only in pictures. She's read about it, remembers the brother's entries; Sam's shorter than Dean's, but both equally filled with emotion. They were difficult entries to read, both filled with sadness and regret. Seeing the brass amulet hang from Dean's neck now, is like being introduced to a person from the brothers' past that she never had the pleasure of meeting.  It's disappearance is another thing she hopes to be able to change.  
  
"S'good." He mumbles around another bite of the warm pastry in front of him, bringing Lexi out of her thoughts. "Did you do all this?" He nods to the pies on the counter and the turkey, squash, sweet potatoes and ham in the oven.  
  
Suddenly Lexi is nervous, maybe Dean doesn't want a big to-do on his 'last Christmas'? She's not doing this because it's his 'last Christmas', she knows he has many more Christmases just like this one, but she feels like she should of asked. "Yeah, is that...is that okay?" She wrings her hands nervously above the counter top.  
  
Dean reaches up and lays his hand on them, pressing her hands gently into the granite of the counter top. "It's perfect. Thanks, Lex." He looks at her for just a moment, as a look of gratitude and love washes over his face and for a second he looks just like her-Dean, the one from 2014, but before she knows it, the look is gone, replaced with his trademark smirk as he shoves the rest of his caramel roll in his mouth, licking his fingers noisily. "I'm gonna get in the shower." He winks at her and he's gone.  
  
Moments later Sam staggers down the stairs. He too rubs his eyes like a child, his hair sticking up all over the place and his chin covered in a dark scruff that Lexi almost misses. She pours him a cup of coffee, reaching in the fridge for the vanilla creamer she knows he prefers, pouring just a teaspoon or so into the steaming liquid and hands it to him just as he walks into the kitchen.  
  
"You're a goddess," he says sleepily, taking a small sip from the cup and setting it down. His arms wrap around her waist and he pulls her to him, kissing the top of her head.  
  
"It has been said," Lexi smiles up at him and reaches up to kiss him, but he pulls away, smirking.  
  
"Morning breath." He presses his lips together tightly.  
  
Lexi rolls her eyes, taking his face in her hands and pressing her lips to his,"I've been smelling your morning breath for years, Winchester." She kisses him softly once more and lets him back to his coffee. "Hungry?" she asks, already knowing the answer.  
  
Sam glances at the pan of caramel rolls and wrinkles his nose, but before he can even say that he doesn't do sweets in the morning, Lexi pulls a cup of yogurt from the fridge and grabs a banana from the counter top. "Toast, too?" She asks, not waiting for an answer before setting two slices of the whole grain bread in the toaster she knows Sam likes. She walks back over to his side and kisses him again, "Merry Christmas." She motions to the neatly wrapped packages under the tree.  
  
Sam grins, dimples ablaze, "Well, I guess it's a good thing I got you this, then." He pulls a small package wrapped in blue and silver from the pocket of his hoodie and hands it to Lexi. As soon as she sees the tiny package, she knows exactly what's inside. As she tears away the wrapping paper, her mind briefly wanders back to the day Sam first gave her a neatly wrapped package this size.  
  
Three years from now, to the exact day. Christmas morning 2010, just weeks after Sam got his soul back. Of course, it wasn't a Christmas morning like this one. Those were still the days that they lived in shabby motel rooms, fighting weekly against all sorts of evil, but even those dark times, Sam and Lexi made their own light. In the backseat of the Impala, while Dean was conveniently taking his sweet time paying for the gas and road food in a corner Gas-N-Sip, Sam flipped open the velvet black box, cursing himself for not being able to get down on his knee and do it properly.

Dean was in on it, of course, Sam told Dean just about everything, and the things he didn't tell Dean, he told Lexi. She had kissed him before even saying yes, her hand shook as Sam slipped the tiny gold banded diamond on her finger.  
  
Bringing her back to the Sam before her, he gets down on one knee as she hears the click of the box and sees a very close replica of her first engagement ring, still tucked away in a jewelry box back in 2014. Sam doesn't have to say anything, she can feel exactly what he's feeling, the bond of their souls ever-present. Tears fall down her face as she nods her head _yes_ and Sam slips the tiny gold banded diamond ring over the top of her wedding band he gave her four years from now.  
  
"We'll do this when it's all over. When we save Dean and when you save me." Sam whispers, his eyes watery and a smile spread across his face.  
  
Lexi nods her head, "When it's all over."  
  
At that moment she has more faith in herself that she's ever had since coming back to 2007. For the first time she feels like she can really do this, like she can save Dean, she can save Sam, save herself and stop that she can stop that horrendous night from ever happening. She doesn't know how she's going to do it, but she knows she will.

She vows to make Sam and Dean's future brighter than her dark past.  
  
Sam stands and pulls her into his arms and kisses her, morning breath be damned. She jumps up in his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and Sam carries her up the stairs.  
  
Just as Sam takes the last step into their bedroom, Dean walks into the living room, catching sight of his brother kissing Lexi.

He smiles, knowing exactly what just happened in the kitchen. Sam told him about their bond just days after they did the ritual.  Dean was nervous at first. He always is nervous around magic, but after having looked over the piece of paper, Dean knew this was good for his brother.  Just days later Dean helped Sam pick out the ring, using a small chunk of their lottery winnings. He's happy Sam will have this. That he'll have someone when he's gone.  
  
Dean walks into his bedroom, pulls his headphones over his ears and cranks Metallica.

*//*

The clock on the wall reads eleven thirty and Lexi is setting the table. She's setting a fourth place, hoping the boys don't notice, she doesn't want to spoil the surprise.

He said he would be there by eleven thirty and Lexi knows him, he's never late. But sure enough, Dean walks up behind her and counts the plates and silverware, "I think you need to do another count on the flatware, Lex."  
  
Before she can answer, there's a knock on the door.  
  
He's here.  
  
Both Sam and Dean reach for the guns they keep in the waist bands of their jeans, their posture changing from the relaxed stance they held just seconds ago, into a shoot-first-and-ask-question-later stance.  
  
Lexi rolls her eyes and says, "At ease, boys."

It's not until she opens the door and the surprise knocker visible, do they tuck their guns back into their pants.  
  
It's Bobby.  
  
His cap and jacket dusted with fallen snow, Bobby walks into Lexi's cabin with a bottle of brandy in one hand and a jug of eggnog in the other, "Merry Christmas!" He booms with a grin. Both Sam and Dean are shocked to see Bobby. "Oh, wipe those looks offa your faces, ya idjits," he says to Sam and Dean, "Apparently me and Miss Lexi go WAY back. Her Uncle Mark was a damn fine hunter, sad to see him go. Heard lots about her, but she's a bit older than I expected." He smirks at Lexi, walking to her and pulling her into a big hug. "You and me, we got a lot to talk about at some point, don't we? Not today though, today's 'bout family." Bobby whispers so only she can hear, the smile evident in his voice.  
  
She looks up at Bobby, his scruffy beard a little less gray than the last time Lexi saw him, the blue of his eyes a little brighter now, but she thinks he pretty much looks the same. "Yes, sir," she answers, "we do."

Lexi's told Bobby about her mission to save Dean, to make it so he doesn't go to hell. to stop a horrendous night seven years in the future from ever coming about, but she didn't tell Bobby that Dean comes back. She didn't tell Bobby anything about the future. She can't explain it, she couldn't even if she tried, but there's something nagging inside her, telling her she needs to keep details from Bobby. She wants Bobby to be safe, and not that he can't take care of himself, because he can, it's just that Lexi's with Sam and Dean all the time, she can't be with Bobby, she can't look after him. If Bobby knows too much about the future, he could become a target and Lexi just can't have that.   
  
Not wasting anytime, Bobby pulls Dean into a fierce hug, patting Dean's back the way he always does. Sam's hug comes next and then they sit down on the couch and immediately start in on the ridiculousness of Minnesota winters. Lexi goes into the kitchen to grab three glasses with ice and brings them to the boys on the couch. Sam smiles up at her and she returns it with one of her own, she's glad Sam and Dean got their eggnog.

-  
  
When dinner has finished cooking, Bobby takes the head of the table, Dean at the foot, Sam and Lexi sit next to each other on the side. The table is filled with roasted turkey and ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, squash, cranberry sauce, a pumpkin, a blueberry, a cherry and an apple pie. The meat and cheese platter, pretty much devoured while Lexi set the table. She pours all four of them a glass of white wine. Sam thinks it's delicious, Bobby thinks it's nice change from the Old Rot Gut he normally subjects himself to, but Dean, Dean is skeptical.

Bobby, Sam and Lexi watch eagerly to see Dean's reaction to the wine.  
  
"It's not to shabby," Dean declares, taking another drink, "I may have to rethink my preferences," he winks up at Lexi, swallows the rest and reaches for the bottle to get a refill.

Bobby, Sam and Lexi laugh at him and start passing the dishes of food around the table. The cheerful banter back and forth between the boys and Bobby is music to Lexi's ears. It almost makes her forget the road ahead of her, the road ahead of Dean and the road ahead of Sam. So, when the thoughts creep back up as she thoughtfully chews her turkey and cranberries, she pushes them aside and forces herself to listen to Bobby talk about the serious lack of snow plows on his drive over here.  
  
Sam can feel the dread inside her, threatening to push past the joyful morning and to ruin even this one moment of happiness for her. He moves his left hand over to Lexi's lap and gives her thigh a reassuring pat and leaves his hand there while he takes a bite of his mashed potatoes. Lexi sets down her fork and takes his hand in her own, the fingers of her right hand winding with the fingers of Sam's left hand, their healing scars from the night of the ritual, touching. She feels Sam sending feelings of love and reassurance through their bond and Lexi takes comfort in that. She knows that in this moment, they're all okay.  
  
After dinner, Dean flops on the couch, his belly swollen as he reaches down and unbuckles his belt. Bobby is snoring softly on the recliner, the buttons of his flannel shirt strained just a little bit. They both had a piece of each pie and not slivers of each flavor either. _We are MEN_ , they both proclaimed and they wanted their pie. Lexi had served it up for them, with gentle warnings of their inevitable fates. She looks on them now, bellies full and round, seeing she was right.  
  
Sam interrupts her thoughts by winding his arms around her waist from behind her, "Dinner was amazing," he whispers in to the back of her neck, nuzzling her skin with his nose.    
  
Lexi groans softly as Sam kisses the hollow behind her ear, "Thanks, this is pretty amazing too." She tilts her head to the side, giving him more access to her neck.  
  
Taking full advantage of the bare skin below his lips, Sam presses tender kisses into the soft skin of her neck, every once in awhile, gently nibbling at the skin with his teeth. After a few moments he stops kissing, he just holds Lexi close to him, "I know you did it for Dean. To give him hope, to give him a glimpse into the future." Sam smiles affectionately down on Lexi.  
  
He knows he's right and if possible, he loves her even more for it. He doesn't know the things she's planning inside her head, the things he knows she thinks she can't tell him, but he believes in her. He knows she's doing everything she can to save his big brother from hell and he knows she won't fully relax until she knows Cas has done whatever he's going to do to save Dean. He knows it's more than what he can do.

He's woken up in the middle of the night to Lexi praying to Cas, begging him to come back to her, to find away to save Dean. He's heard her cry out in frustration when she doesn't get some divine answer back, but she never stops praying. Sam's heard many hushed phone conversations between Lexi and her uncle's old hunting buddies, asking questions he himself has sought answers for, but he knows they simply are none. He doesn't know what he did to deserve this woman, but he will live the rest of his life a happy man knowing that he gets to be with her.    
  
That evening a snow storm dumps three feet of snow on Lexi's little town in Northern Minnesota. Oblivious to the accumulation, Bobby, Sam and Dean open their presents, what they are doesn't matter, they're just little things Lexi picked up at the local drug store. Things she knows will make them smile and they do.  
  
Lexi tries to convince Bobby to spend the night, insisting he shouldn't drive in the storm. He won't have any of it, claiming this isn't his first tussle with knee high snow drifts. Lexi sends him on his way with a plastic grocery bag full of containers of turkey, ham, leftover dinner rolls and pie.  Before Bobby leaves, hugs are passed out to each of the boys, Lexi pulled into a tight hugs last.  Bobby whispers, "I can tell in your eyes that you've really been through the thick of it. If you need anything, I mean anything at all, you call me."  
  
Those words mean more to Lexi than she ever knew were possible.  She hugs Bobby back and wipes a tear from her eye before it falls down her cheek.  
  
Early the next morning, Bobby calls Dean's phone from the local motel. Bobby's truck got stuck driving out of town in a snow drift that came up to his hip.  He spent the night and he's just now getting on the road.  Dean smirks and shakes his head as he tucks the phone back in his pocket.


	12. Chapter 12

February 2008  
  
The months go by quickly, too quickly, and there's not been any sign of Cas.  

Sam can't decide which of the two people he lives with is more restless. Considering everything, Sam's dealing with being holed up in this cabin as best as he can, but he's got Lexi. He's also got access to a whole library of books from Lexi's family, filled with lore and spell books he's never even heard of. He shares information with Bobby through email and tries to get Dean interested, but Lexi's bought him an Xbox 360 and Dean's in seventh heaven being able to shoot bad guys from the comfort of the couch, beer by his side and him in his pajamas.  
  
Dean kicks ass in Call of Duty, bitches at the lack of research put into the making of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, but plays it until he's finished the entire game. Even with all the first person shooter games Lexi and Sam can get for him, Dean still becomes bored rather quickly.

They go to the local bar on the weekends and once or twice during the week when Dean gets really restless. They watch Lexi sing karaoke and play in the bar band, Sam keeping a watchful eye on Gabe and her other band mates.

The first night out, Gabe tried to start a little trouble, but Dean laid down the law before Sam could even get a word in edgewise.

There wasn't ever any problems after that.  
  
***  
  
Finally, the second week in February, Dean cracks. He can't take it anymore, claiming he has cabin fever. He commandeers Lexi's laptop and searches for hunts.  
  
Lexi and Dean get into a heated argument that eventually Sam has to break up because he's worried Lexi is going to start throwing punches. She's convinced that she has to keep them off their original path and Sam knows she's right, but he's not going to take sides, no good ever comes from taking sides. Instead, he suggests that Lexi cross reference the jobs he and Dean went on in her timeline with the jobs they find on the net.

Reluctantly Lexi agrees, insisting it's her Valentine's Day present for the boys and takes John Winchester's journal out from hiding. She's still never let them look at it, but as Dean rattles off something about a Mystery Spot in Florida, Lexi shrieks and ear splitting 'NO', rips the laptop out of the wall, gathers up all the newspapers and John's journal and locks herself in the bedroom.  
  
That night when Sam comes to bed, Lexi refuses to talk about it.

-  
  
The next day when Dean wakes up, Lexi's sitting at the kitchen table, she's found them a safe job. She checked and double checked, they didn't work a job in Wisconsin in her timeline.  
  
"So whatchya got for us, Lex?" Dean asks as he sips his coffee and lets the hot ceramic warm his hands. He is so sick of the cold weather, _doesn't the freakin' sun ever come out?_  "California, Texas, someplace conveniently lacking FOUR HUNDRED feet of snow?"  
  
Normally Lexi would laugh at Dean's constant whining about the cold and they would have a gentle banter back and forth about who's turn it is to shovel off the roof, but Lexi is in full research mode.  She's scouring the Superior Wisconsin newspaper websites.  

Sam rubs her shoulders as she reads, the tension not only radiating through the bond at Sam, but it's making her muscles knot up in her shoulders. Sam knows if he tells her to relax one more time, she might rip his head off (both literally and figuratively) so he quietly rubs her shoulders and reads over her shoulder.  
  
"Sorry Dean," Sam says, smirking at his brother, "The weather in Superior will probably be the same as here, maybe worse because of the Lake Effect, but Lexi is right. There's a job there. Three teenage girls missing in the last week, one found dead with her throat ripped out, the other two still MIA. Sounds like our kinda thing."  
  
Lexi nods her head, "Vampires. It's gotta be."  
  
Dean's already gone, setting his coffee cup down on the table so quickly he spills some onto the floor. He's dressed, everything he owns is packed up and shoved in his bag within minutes.  
  
It doesn't take Lexi and Sam long to pack up their things. She packs a few changes of clothes into her leather backpack, what was left of the wad of cash 2014-Bobby gave her, plus the few additions from her gigs at the bar. It's only a few hundred dollars, but it should be more than enough.

She's got a bad feeling about this, she's had one since Dean found the Mystery Spot in Florida.  She can't shake it.  She considers talking to Sam about it, but she knows it won't make her feel better and she'd rather just spare him from it all.  
  
What would normally be a three hour car ride to Superior, Wisconsin, Dean makes the drive in two. Sam offers to sit in the backseat with her, but she insists she's fine. Secretly she wants Sam to have all the road time possible with his brother. Cas still isn't answering her prayers and she is more convinced with each passing day that she isn't going to be able to save Dean.

Weeks ago she called all her uncle's old contacts, called in every favor ever owed to either one of them and still nothing. She did acquire a large amount of goofer dust, that was the best she could do, all she could do was wait.    
  
About half way to Wisconsin she's carsick and has a desperate need to use the bathroom. She'd forgotten Dean's habit of playing tapes in the Impala's tape deck over and over and over again. When she hears Led Zeppelin's Kashmir for the thirteenth time, it was all she could do not to scream, but Sam, who must have felt the flux in the steady stream of tension she was inadvertently sending through the bond, turns down the stereo and starts to talk about the case. 

His easy questions about how many vamps might be in the nest, about how he thinks he'd figured out where the nest is located; considering the close proximity the victims houses are to each other, the harbor directly in the center.  He suggests they stay in motel on the other end of town, so they don't draw attention themselves. Dean agrees and so does Lexi.  
  
She's beyond thankful when they finally pull up to the sagging motel room. When Dean unlocks the motel room door, she rushes into the bathroom, thankful when it's not as disgusting as some motel rooms she remembers. When she comes out, the windows and doors are salted and Sam and Dean are readying the weapons on the table.  

She pulls her version of Ruby's knife from her backpack, along with her gun, tucking it in the waistband of her jeans. Not that it'll do any good against a nest of vamps, but it'll buy her a second, if need be.

When she walks over to the motel table where Dean and Sam are sorting through the weapons and reaches for a machete, Sam grabs her wrist, "No. You're not coming with us."  
  
Lexi's first instinct is to wrench her arm free from Sam's grasp, but she doesn't. She rests her free hand over Sam's softly and looks up at him, "I am coming with. I'm not going to sit here while you two go out by yourselves.  I didn't come all the way back here to have you do this alone." 

She keeps herself calm, but she's not letting Sam or Dean talk her out of this. There is no way she's staying behind and she tries to convey her seriousness through her eyes. Apparently it works, because Sam's grip on her wrist loosens and he winds his fingers with hers.

The last thing both Sam and Dean want is Lexi out fighting with them, but they could both tell she wasn't going to budge. Dean quickly makes up his mind not to get in the middle of this, this is Sammy's business.  
  
"Okay," is all Sam says.

It's all he needs to say. They both just know. Lexi picks up the machete and both her and Sam look to Dean.  
  
"Alright then," Dean knows about the bond, he doesn't understand it, but he knows. "Let's go."  
  
*//*  
  
The drive to Lake Superior is silent. Just the familiar rumble of the Impala's engine as Dean drives her across the miles of blacktop. Trees and road signs whip past them because Dean drives too fast, Dean always drives too fast, but that's just Dean. Both Sam and Lexi know this, they just learned it at different times.  
  
When Dean pulls the car up to the harbor, the three of them step out and look at the vast frozen lake before them. Dean walks off first, Sam second and Lexi follows closely. There are no words between any of them, no half smiles from Sam to Lexi, it's just eyes peeled and ears listening for sounds other than quick light feet and the shifting ice in the distance. As they make their way to the building, the only one dark and without security cameras or lights, their flashlights come out and Dean takes point, walking into the building first, Sam is quick to have his brother's flank and Lexi brings up the rear, tight to Sam.  
  
It's evening, the sky a mix of red, orange and purple as the sun sets on the horizon. It does nothing to light their way through the dark building, it just casts an eerie dark glow. The beams of their flash lights make the shadows dance as they inspect every corner, high and low, tension thick in the air, before Dean gives them both the all clear signal. No one speaks, they don't have to. Lexi and Sam have their bond, sure, but Sam and Dean have one of their very own. They have their own silent code written in body language, facial expressions and sidelong glances of both green and hazel eyes, but the most important aspect of their code being experience. Sam and Dean have done this very same thing hundreds of times. They just _know._  
  
Seconds after they deem the last room clear, seeing no one, undead or otherwise in the building, the three of them feel it at the same time and they know they're wrong. The hairs on their arms and neck standing on end, and the sharp feeling in their gut that lets them know they are most definitely not alone. They all whip their bodies around to see five vamps standing in formation, fists clenched, teeth bared and eyes shiny in the dark.  
  
Once at the rear of the trio, Lexi is now in the front and she dives in head first.

It's been years since she's fought like this. She takes a fist to the face and a second in the ribs that makes her gasp and see stars for a second, but muscle memory and adrenaline takes over and helps her block the next blows the vamp sends her way. Her instinct kicks in full force as she dodges a right hook and comes back with a two handed swing with the machete. The vamp jumps back just in time as the blade slices through the air, inches from it's neck.

Lexi can't see it, but Dean has already hacked the head off of one vampire, it's bloody, fanged face bouncing along the wooden floor boards. He's on to his second vamp, his eyes ablaze and his own machete making quick work, as Sam hacks the head off another, just to Dean's right. Lexi closes in on the vamp in front of her, taking another blow to the same cheek, but quickly comes back, slicing it's head clean off as five more bastards enter the room.  
  
Dean takes a punch to the left shoulder as Lexi swings her own blade again and another head rolls. A Winchester to her right takes a sharp punch, she can hear fist colliding with face as the owner of the face stumbles to the ground with a grunt and a growl. She doesn't have to see to know it's Sam sprawled on out on floor, she can feel it's Sam and something takes over inside her.

Before she knows it, she's moving faster than she's ever moved before. It's like a rush of electricity fills her body, making her punches strong and her swings true as she beheads three vamps in three swings. Lexi is circled by the final two vamps, whom she recognizes as the missing girls from the nearby town. Her blade in hand, ready to swing, the vamps maneuvering around her, fangs bared and bodies crouched in a defensive stance.  
  
Sam is on his feet in one fluid motion, his machete absent from his hands, having fallen into the shadows when he hit the floor before, but his lethal fists are balled at his sides. Dean has his brother's back in a millisecond, his own machete still clenched in his hand, clenched so hard his knuckles are white and the grip almost hurts. In a swift motion Dean raises his blade, it's sights set on the neck of the female vamp at his twelve o'clock, but before he can even move, Lexi's machete swings sideways and two heads roll to the floor with solid thumps.  
  
After that, everything falls silent, peaceful even, as if nothing ever happened.  It's just the wind whipping through the bare trees, whistling angrily through the air and the sound of non-migratory birds calling to each other in the distance. Chests heave as breaths fight to be caught, puffs of white momentarily fill the air outside heavy breathing mouths, and the sound of blood dripping onto the wooden floor echoes off the walls.  
  
Silently they gather the pieces left behind, heads and bodies tossed into a pile outside the building, red mixing with perfectly white snow. Little yellow and blue bottles are uncapped, spraying their flammable liquid onto the pile of bloody corpses.  With a spark, Dean tosses a burning book of matches and hot gold and amber flames erupt instantly warming their cheeks to a rosy pink. The familiar smell of burning red tipped matches fills the air as the three of them stand silently around the fire. Thankfully, a frigid breeze takes the stench of burning flesh on it's back and sends it up into the now dark sky, taking it far away from Sam, Dean and Lexi's noses.  
  
The drive back to the motel is just as silent as the drive to the harbor. There's more groans as grunts as they slide in and out of the Impala, but no one utters a word.

Sore muscles, aching bones and exhausted bodies walk inside the room, bloody and half frozen, collapsing on scratchy motel comforters and cheap kitchenette chairs.

Dean digs in a bag and pulls out a first aid kit, walking over to Lexi and inspecting her already swollen and bruised cheek. She shakes her head and the first words of the evening are spoken in a raspy, pained voice, "Sam first."  
  
"Sam's fine, he might have a nice shiner for a couple days, but he's good. Lex, let me look at that eye."

Dean got a good look at Sam's eye on the painfully quiet ride to the motel. Just like he said, nothing that an ice pack, some antiseptic cream and a couple pain pills won't fix. Before Dean can even reach into the first aid kit, Sam's crouched down by Lexi's side with a wash cloth and a bottle of water. Dean backs away slowly, it's obvious Sam's got this handled. He just leans against the wall and watches.  
  
His huge hands, gentle giants as Sam softly dabs away the dried blood from Lexi's tender face. She doesn't, flinch even, once when the rough terry cloth touches the open wound on her cheek. Sam's eyes are completely focused on the task, but Lexi's eyes never flicker away from Sam's. Dean knows it's the bond, they might not be reading each others minds, or having conversations with actual words, but there's a definite conversation going on, that much he knows.  
  
Sam doesn't have to tell Lexi to tilt her face to the left so he can get a piece of gravel out of a cut, Lexi just does it. As Dean watches, he thinks it's like an electric current is running through the room. Just like back at the harbor, Lexi didn't even see Sam fall the floor, but she knew he did and then something happened, something that Dean couldn't explain even if he tried. Lexi moved so quickly, almost like her movements were choreographed. She anticipated every move those vamps threw at her after Sam hit the floor, like something flicked on inside her. Dean just didn't know what.  
  
Sam looks over Lexi's face and he's sure the wounds should be worse than what they are. He saw the hits she took in the very beginning, he expected several stitches and maybe a broken rib, but her skin just has some friction burns, and just a few little cuts over her eye brow. Her ribs and eye bruised, already fading from a deep shade of purple, to a yellowish green.  He spreads antiseptic cream on her eyebrow and cheek with his finger and hands her two ibuprofen.  
  
He meant to keep quiet.  He meant to bring it up when they were alone, but the words just fall out. "It's the grace, isn't it?"  
  
Both Lexi and Dean know exactly what Sam's referring to and she nods her head. She was thinking the same thing, "It has to be," she croaks, "I can fight, I've been trained by the best hunters around," both of the boys know she means them, "But I've never fought like that before. The strength, the speed, the clarity...it was like I tapped into something when I saw you go down." Her eyes flicker to Sam's and his bruised cheek and she shrugs, "It had to be."  
  
"Do you feel it now?" Sam asks gently.    
  
Lexi doesn't say anything she just shakes her head. She's so tired, so worn out, like her grace used up energy that she didn't have to begin with. She just wants out of her wet and cold and sticky clothes and into bed. Of course, she doesn't have to ask, Sam already has her leather backpack in his hands and sets it on the floor next to her. As she rummages through it, looking for something to sleep in, Dean scoops up his own bag and brings it into the bathroom to change and to give them a little privacy.  When Dean comes back out, Lexi's asleep in the bed and Sam's sitting at the table, his head in his hands.  
  
"Dude, it's fine. She's fine. You're fine. I'm fine.  We're..."  
  
Sam interrupts his brother, "She's not fine, can't you tell? How weak she is, how tired she is? There's nothing fine about this. She's got some sort of angel juice swimming around inside her and when she tapped into it, or whatever back there, it's like it drained her. She could hardly get dressed, she couldn't even hold herself up. She fell asleep before she was even on the bed. Nothing about this is fine, Dean. Nothing."  
  
Dean doesn't know anything about angels, except for the ones in the outfield and hot perky blonde in the halo and wings from the strip joint in Tulsa, but he does know his brother, and if Sam says something's up, something's probably up. "Look, we'll just let her sleep it off for tonight and see how she is in the morning. Don't freak out until she gets some shut eye. I'm gonna go get us some beer. You want some beer, Sammy?"  
  
Sam nods his head yes, but he doesn't want a beer. He looks over at Lexi, out cold in the bed. He doesn't want a beer, he wants answers.  
  
While Dean's gone, getting beer and doing God knows what else, Sam pulls out his laptop and reads anything he can on angels. On page twenty-one of his Search the Web search, he finds a little blog that mentions "grace" more than once. It's information matches up with what Lexi told him, that angels indeed have grace. He goes on to read that the owner of the blog claims to have been a vessel to an angel once.  

She recounts the heavenly being asking for her permission to enter her, claiming it had works of God to complete. The woman being from Akron, Ohio, woke up in Ankara, Turkey three years later. The lady also has a FAQ page on her blog and it seems her most asked question is how to become a vessel for angel, the answer makes his blood run cold.  

 _Not all humans are strong enough to contain the grace of an angel._  
  
Suddenly Sam is livid. Why would an angel, something that Sam has always perceived to be good and righteous, put something in a person that they couldn't handle? Lexi always talked like Castiel was a trusted friend to her, to all of them, family even. Why would he put her in danger like this?  
  
The blog doesn't mention what would happen if a human isn't strong enough to contain the grace. His eyes flicker over to Lexi again, she hasn't moved, the only give away that she's even still alive is that the sheet draped over her moves ever so slightly as she breathes in and out. Sam bows his head, his fingers steepled against his nose and forehead.

He's always prayed, he doesn't remember when he started, it's just something that he's always done. His lips move silently as he begs God and begs to this mysterious Castiel for answers.  When he opens his eyes, the motel room looks the same, nothing's changed.  
  
***  
  
Climbing into the Impala with a twelvie of beer and a brown bagged bottle of whiskey, Dean turns the key in the ignition, bringing the Impala to life.  He brings the shifter down into reverse, but then quickly pushes it back into park.  
  
"Son of a bitch!" He yells, slamming the palms of his hands down on his baby's steering wheel.  

He can see it now, Lexi curled up in the lumpy motel bed, her face shiny with antiseptic ointment and Sam's fingers pounding the keys of his laptop, furiously searching the web for information on Lexi and the grace that some how gives her super human strength and agility. He remembers what Lex said to him, when she begged him to pray to Castiel.  

 _Dean, you try. Try praying to Castiel, he's the angel that saves you.  C'mon Dean, just try!_  
  
Lips pursed as he lets out a heavy sigh through his nose, Dean closes his eyes and prays, "Uh, Castiel, we kinda got a situation down here. Apparently your grace is doing something to Lex. I think she needs you. Ya copy?"

He slowly opens his eyes, one at a time and waits for some sort of divine intervention, whatever the hell that means.  
  
Radio silence.


	13. Chapter 13

Lexi sleeps the whole night through.

She doesn't wake when Sam climbs into bed next to her, wincing as his sore muscles object to the hard, yet sagging motel mattress. She doesn't wake when morning comes and Dean brings back greasy bacon and eggs from a nearby diner. Dean and Sam eat in silence, stopping their chewing every minute or so to make sure Lexi is still breathing.    
  
She stirs on the bed just a little bit when Sam packs both his and her clothes into their bags. Sam's relived that she moves.  

When it's time to leave, Sam carefully gathers her up from the bed to carry her out to the backseat of the Impala. Her eyes flutter open for just a second and Sam slides them both into the backseat.  She smiles up at him, snuggling into Sam's chest, her fists softly curling around the collar of his blue and gray plaid shirt. She hums contentedly and falls back to sleep.  
  
Two hours later, they're back at Lexi's cabin. Sam draws her a bath and washes the dried blood from hair and body. She's awake, her eyes never leave Sam's face, but she doesn't say a word.  

He gently towel dries her weak body, dressing her in one of his white undershirts and brings her up to bed, nestling her into soft pillows and blankets.  When she speaks, it's barely a whisper, Sam almost doesn't hear her.  
  
"I'm kinda hungry, Sam." Her eyes dull and skin pale against the white sheets.  
  
A smile creeps up on Sam's face, "I'll be right back." He kisses her gently on the lips and makes his way down to the kitchen.  
  
"How's she doing?" Dean asks when Sam walks into the kitchen. Dean's been pacing the wooden floor boards of the tiny cabin since they all got back. Dean's restless, he's worried and he's scared; not a good combination.  
  
"She's awake. She asked for something to eat." Sam mumbles as he digs through the fridge, not finding anything.  
  
Happy for something to actually do, Dean digs in the cupboard, pulling out a red and white can of tomato rice soup and handing it to Sam. "Mom used to make this for me when I was sick as a kid." He smiles a little bit as he remembers his mother, her kind smile and soft blonde hair. "C'mon, Iron Chef, grab a pan."  
  
Sam watches his older brother stir the milk into the soup as it heats up on the stove. Memories flicker in his mind back to when Dean would warm him up various cans of Chef Boyardee on a hot plate in the ratty motels they stayed in as kids.

Now, Dean pours a small portion of the orange colored soup into a bowl and sets it on a plate.  

"Careful, Sammy. It's hot." He warns as he hands him a spoon, just like he did when Sam was young.

Sam thanks Dean and heads back upstairs.  
  
Lexi's just as he left her, resting against soft pillows, the blanket pulled up to her chin. Her eyes are closed, but open weakly when she senses his presence in the room.

Sam sets the bowl of soup on the night stand and sits down gently on the bed. "How are you feeling?" He asks softly as he reaches up to smooth a piece of hair mussed from sleep.  
  
"Tired," she whispers, blinking her eyes slowly. She tries to sit up, but she's so weak and her head throbs at the movement, making the room spin just a little bit. She groans as her head falls back on the pillow.  
  
Sam feels so helpless. He knows he shouldn't have let Lexi come to the harbor, but also knows she had her mind made up.  He's figured out that Lexi isn't the type of woman who _lets_ anyone tell her what she can and can't do. She's been through so much, lost so much. Even though she's physically so weak right now, he knows she's strong.  

"Here, let me," he says softly as he puts his hands gently under her arms, pulling her sore body to his. She leans against him as he starts to pack pillows behind her. A soft knock at the door stops him and he and Lexi both look up at the door.  

It's Dean.  
  
"I made you some tea." Dean says as he takes a hesitant step into the room.  
  
Lexi smiles weakly up at him, "Thanks." It comes out in a ragged voice.  
  
Dean can tell what Sam's trying to do, he's trying to prop Lexi up so she can eat.  

"Sam, you climb behind Lex. She can lean against you and I'll help her." He looks down on Lexi, "That okay?"  
  
Another weak smile and nod from Lexi.  

Sam twists himself around Lexi, still holding her up and he settles himself behind her, his legs each around her sides. Sam slowly brings Lexi back to his chest and Dean sits down at their side.  

"There," Dean says with a small smile on his face, "Am I gonna need to do the choo-choo train?"  
  
An actual laugh comes from Lexi's mouth and she shakes her head, "I can feed myself, Dean. I'm not an invalid."  
  
Both Sam and Dean are relieved to hear her laugh and watch her as she takes a small spoonful of the soup and brings it to her lips. They wince together as her hand shakes and the orange soup dribbles down her chin. She lets out an impatient sigh and lets Dean wipe her face softly with a worn blue handkerchief and take the spoon from her hand.  
  
"That better be clean," she smirks at him, joking just a little.  
  
"As clean as it's ever going to be." Dean winks at her, bringing a small spoonful to her lips.  

Sam kisses the back her her head and softly rubs her shoulders with his fingertips, happy that she's awake, eating and smiling, even if it's just a little.  
  
Soon the bowl is empty and Sam hands her the mug of tea Dean brought to her. She drinks about half of it and leans back onto Sam's chest, she's tired again.  

Dean collects the empty bowl, plate, spoon and cup and stands up from the bed, intending on leaving Sam and Lexi alone to rest, but she grabs Dean's hand and looks up at him, "Thank you," she whispers and falls back to sleep.  
  
Sam stays with her the rest of the evening and through the night. He writes in his journal a little bit, starting out with him documenting the hunt they just went on, recording the dates and location, how many vamps they killed. He's already put his notes in from the blog he found the night before. More questions written down than answers, but keeping his mind busy helps.  

He turns to a blank page in the middle and writes about the night Lexi came back, the first time he saw her, the first time he saw the pictures of his girls - the girls he'll never meet, the first time he and Lexi slept together, the rainy day in the backseat of the Impala when she told him the story of the fire - the night he died, the day Dean died, her whole reason for coming back here.  
  
He writes about the cabin, meeting Castiel, Lexi summoning Crowley an almost making the deal to save Dean's soul - how far she is will to go for them, the night of the ritual, Christmas and how he proposed to her. He writes until his fingers cramp up and until the sun comes up, sunlight streaming through the window in their bedroom.  When he finishes, he reads over what's he's written and then it dawns on him, he doesn't even know her birthday. He chuckles to himself and makes a note of it, thinking that one day they'll have a laugh about it, how he lived months with a woman who's technically been married to him for years, but he didn't even know her birthday. He kisses the side of Lexi's face and settles back against the headboard, he's just going to rest his eyes for a little bit.  
  
He's asleep in seconds.  
  
Lexi wakes up, the digital clock on the nightstand reads 1:24pm.  

Sam's snoring softly behind her, his head resting at an uncomfortable looking angle on the maple head board. She stretches her legs and points her toes, trying to wake her body up. She's feeling better, much better in fact. Just a little groggy from sleeping so late in the day. Putting her hands down on the bed, she pushes herself up off of Sam. He stirs slightly, but falls back to sleep.  

Under her hands she feels something and when she looks down, she realizes it's Sam's journal. She doesn't read what he's written, but see's her name written next to a question mark and the word birthday. It's circled a few times and she can tell Sam realized he didn't know her birthday. She looks up at him and smiles, smoothing the floppy bangs she's still not used to, to the side as he sleeps soundly. She picks up the pen resting in the crease of the journal and scrawls _April 2, 1988._  
  
With shaky legs, she gets up from bed and carefully makes her way down the stairs and into the bathroom. After a shower, she combs her hair, staring at her reflection in the mirror.  

Her bruises are almost non-existent, just a faint color of pinkish yellow left in her sallow cheeks.  It's the grace, no doubt. Her ribs no longer ache and gone are the bruises from her chest, face and hands. Just another reason to ask herself, what does it mean?  

"Cas, if you can hear me. I need you, I need some answers. I need..." she sighs, "I need you to help me. Please."  
  
But Cas doesn't come.  
  
After pulling on some clothes, Lexi tip toes passed Dean's bedroom, quietly steps into her boots and shrugs on a warm jacket.  
  
Trudging through the snow, she makes her way to her rocks. They're covered with snow, and the river has a thick layer of ice over it, but she can still hear the water running below, it's comforting. She stares at the snow, ice and bare trees, trying just for one second to clear her mind.  To concentrate.  As she closes her eyes, focusing on the sound of the gentle winter breeze blowing the snow over itself, she hears a faint flutter behind her.  

"Cas?" she turns on her heel to look toward the noise.  
  
It's not Cas, its a man.  "Wrong," he says with a smirk on his face.  
  
But Lexi has no idea who or what he is. "Look, I'm not in the mood play Guess Who, so just tell me who you are."

She reaches inside her coat and takes out Ruby's knife, gripping the handle tightly.  
  
"That's not going to work on me, you know. Only a few things can actually kill me, you have one. Long, shiny, super sharp."  

His tone smart assed and sarcastic, a grin spread across his face the whole time, accenting his words with raised eyebrows.  
  
_Long, shiny, super sharp...the angel blade._ "You're an angel." She assumed he was a demon when she first saw him standing on the path. Now knowing he's angel, she's not sure which is worse. Depends on which one. "Who are you?" He answers with a smirk and a shrug of his shoulders. "Zachariah?"  
  
He laughs, "Hell no! You see me down here in a suit, a ridiculous tie?  No way. You fit right in with those Winchester chuckleheads. Try again."  
  
Lexi's had enough of this crap.  She's exhausted, cold and totally not in the mood. She doesn't say a word, she just stands on her rock, glaring at the angel with hands on her hips. She's not playing this game, he came to her. _Though Dean used to say chuckleheads..._  
  
The angel, oblivious to the cold, takes a few steps toward Lexi, climbing up on her rocks, "You need a hint? You spoiled my big surprise in Broward County. You wrecked my little Groundhog Day and I just had to come here and meet this Lexi Winchester."  
  
"Gabriel..."  
  
"Bingo, baby. You're making a name for yourself up there, ya know," He looks up at the sky, "You know there's nothing you can do. Nothing anybody can do to save Dean from doing the hellfire rumba. You have to know that, Sam has to know that." He looks around at the tall trees and all the snow, taking it all in, "I could show Sam here, you know. I could show him what it's going to be like to lose Dean." The smirk still on his lips.  
  
Dread fills Lexi, "No, please, don't," she begs, "I know I can't...I know I can't save him."

She finally admits it aloud. She's been thinking it for weeks, but never actually letting herself say it aloud. Saying it aloud makes it real. Makes it true.

"Don't do that to Sam, please, just don't." She knows she's begging, she knows she's making herself look weak, but she can't help it. She just can't.  
  
Putting his fingertips on the side of Lexi's face, she feels him dig through her mind.  Memories flash in her mind's eye, Gabriel seeing what she sees, what she's lived through.

"He didn't..." He murmurs. "Daddy Dearest isn't going to be pleased with Castiel, not pleased at all. Clearly disobeying, giving his grace to a human. I'm surprised you're even still standing."  
  
_He knows I'm sick_ , Lexi thinks, "What's happening to me? Can you take it back?"  
  
"I could, but it's not mine to take." He answers. Gone is the ever-present smirk, replaced with a serious face.  
  
"It's killing me, isn't it?" Lexi felt it, the minute the grace took over inside her when she was fighting the vampires, it wasn't meant to be there, her body's not strong enough to keep it. She's feeling much better than she did the day before, but she knows she's still weak.  
  
"Killing you? No, sucking the life out of you, yes. Every time you tap into it, it will make you more weak--"  
  
"Why are you here?" She's decides she doesn't want to know. If any angel, other than Cas, would help her, it would be Gabriel and if he won't take the grace, she's stuck with it and she doesn't want to know what will happen if the grace stays inside her. She doesn't care, she just wants to know why Gabriel is there.  
  
"Like I said you're making a name for yourself up there. Stop trying to stop the inevitable. You can't win this war. It's not yours to fight. It's not just Daddy and my big bros you're pissing off."  
  
_Demons._ Lexi tries to back away, but stumbles, her body so weak.  
  
"Lexi!" Sam woke up to an empty bed and an empty cabin just moments before. He followed Lexi out to the river and was shocked to who she was talking to. Sam runs up to her side on the rock over looking the river, he makes his way between the her and the creature he knows at the trickster. "We killed you!" He roars.  
  
Gabriel winks and waves, "Toodles," and he's gone.  
  
***  
  
Back at the cabin, Sam helps Lexi to the couch, covering her with a blanket.    
  
"So the trickster's not dead!" He yells to Dean and then looks to Lexi, "Why was he here? What, do you know him in the future too?"

Sam doesn't mean to yell at her, but he's angry. Angry that he fell asleep and wasn't watching Lexi. Angry because Dean's days are ticking by on the calendar so quickly. Angry because the trickster was here, with Lexi, but most of all he's angry because he feel so helpless.  
  
Lexi opens her mouth to tell them that the trickster is just a disguise, that he's been parading around under the assumed identity for millennia, trying to stay away from God and his brothers, but she remembers what he told her. He warned her to keep her mouth shut.    
  
More secrets.    
  
"Sam, it's okay." Lexi sighs, "He was just here to bitch about the fact that I kept you two off your path. He had this thing for you, he had this lesson to teach you and he didn't get to. He won't hurt me, he won't hurt us. He won't come back."  
  
"And what was this lesson that you kept me from learning?" Sam's voice is filled with anger and hostility, but at that second he doesn't care. He wants answers. _They all do._  
  
Lexi flinches at Sam's tone and both the boys see it. Sam instantly feels guilty and sinks down to the couch next to her, "You gotta give me something."  
  
Dean sits down in the chair just to the left of the couch, "Lex, why was the trickster here?"  
  
She shakes her head and lets out an exhausted sigh, "I didn't go out there to meet him, I didn't know he was going to come. I just went out there to pray to Cas. He hasn't answered any of my prayers in so long, I just wanted to pray.  When I opened my eyes, he was standing there. I didn't know who he was at first, but I figured it out.  He said that word of me and me coming here is making it's way around, that it's not making anybody happy.  He told me to stop trying to stop the inevitable. That I can't..." She closes her eyes and sighs, "That I can't win this war and that it's not mine to fight." She purposefully leaves out the parts about angels and demons.  
  
"He means me," Dean growls, standing up from the chair. "He means no one can save me." He storms out the door, slamming it shut so hard it bounces back open. They hear the Impala rumble and then him backing out of the drive way.  
  
Lexi closes her tired eyes and leans into Sam. He pulls her close and kisses the top of her head. They sit in silence for hours, thinking the same thing.  
  
_They can't save Dean._  
  
*//*  
  
April 1, 2008  
  
For the last week it's been unseasonably warm outside, like Spring is working over time to come early. The sun is warm, melting the snow and making little rivers into the dirt of the drive way.

Lexi's birthday is tomorrow, but she's not in the mood to celebrate. Dean's only got a month left and still no word from Cas. Dean lost hope first and then Lexi, but Sam refuses to let go of the last shred he keeps death gripped in his hand. He'll never lose hope.  
  
Even though Lexi's told him repeatedly that she doesn't want to do anything for her birthday, that now is not the time to celebrate, neither Sam nor Dean listen. Dean is planning on cooking burgers on the grill, Sam went into town and got three cupcakes and a bouquet of flowers, stashing them up in a cupboard Lexi never goes into because she's too short and they plan on having a Godfather marathon (Dean picked that, not Sam.)  
  
The next morning Sam gets up early and makes Lexi a cup of tea. He puts it on a tray, along with a bowl of fruit and her flowers. On quiet feet he makes his way up the stairs and into their bedroom.  Lexi is sound asleep curled up in a ball. After the last hunt, it's like she never fully got all her strength back.  

She sleeps at least twelve hours a night, always with a nap, sometimes two during the day. Sometimes she's ravenous and can out eat even Dean and sometimes she eats nothing, like she doesn't have the energy to chew. Sam has had to spoon feed her soup on a couple of occasions, the way Dean did their first night back.  She never complains and he's worried that she doesn't complain simply because she doesn't have the energy.  It scares him. _How long is this going to go on?_  
  
He sits down on the bed, smoothing her tangled brown hair away from her face and out of her eyes, "Lexi?" He whispers, trying to wake her up slowly.  

He kisses her cheek, nosing it softly and breathing a soft "I love you" in her ear. At first she doesn't move, but when Sam crawls into bed with her and starts to massage her shoulders she presses her back into his chest and he wraps his arms around her. "Good morning," he says softly into her hair, "Happy birthday."  
  
Lexi laughs and then groans, "I don't even know how old I am. Twenty or twenty-six? Either I'm older than you, or too young to get a beer at the bar, none of which sounds fun to me." She rolls over and smashes her face into Sam's chest.  
  
"I don't care how old or how young you are. I'll buy you beer," he pauses," Or tequila," he adds suggestively with a wink. "From a legal stand point, you're twenty," Lexi smiles as Sam throws out the legal jargon, "but if you want, I'm sure Dean and I can find someone to change your records around a little bit."

Sam really doesn't care how old she is. It doesn't matter, as long as she's there, with him, it doesn't matter to him in the slightest.  
  
"How about you just kiss me and we'll just call it my birthday. No need to throw numbers out there." She doesn't think she can ever go back to being twenty, she'd rather be older than Sam, it's only eleven months.  
  
Birthdays, her age, legal stand points and all numbers are pushed from her mind as Sam kisses her, rolling her onto her back and gently nudging her legs open, making room for himself. Their lips break apart for seconds, only to pull their shirts over their heads and then they find themselves again.  

Hands caressing, hips rocking, skin pressing into skin, they move at a slow and steady pace. Gentle moans fall from their lips, into each others mouths, breathing the same used air, making them dizzy, but still wanting more.

Each time Lexi and Sam have sex like this, since the bond, it becomes more intense each time. Lexi feels each of Sam's movements, his fingers making perfect slow circles in all the right places and his lips hungrily seeking out hers, she feels all of that, but she also feels what Sam's feeling.  
  
Sam feels Lexi's hips rock up off the mattress and up into his, he can feel her clenching and unclenching around him as he moves, he can feel her hands kneading the skin of his lower back, her fingernails gently (and sometimes not so gently) pressing in to the skin on his arms, shoulders and back. Combining both sets of feelings is overwhelming and exhilarating all at the same time, almost addictive. It's hard not to get lost in the sensations, it's hard not to get lost in each other.  
  
The second it all comes together, Lexi's toes curl into the sheets and Sam's name tumbles from her mouth. The weight of Sam's body deliciously heavy as he catches his breath, his forehead resting against Lexi's. "Happy birthday," he whispers, kissing the tip of her nose.  
  
"Happy birthday, indeed." She groans in satisfaction.  
  
***  
  
That afternoon Dean grills hamburgers to a juicy perfection, boasting of his accomplishments as the three of them eat together at the kitchen table. Sam lights the candle on Lexi's birthday cupcake, while he and Dean sing an off-key rendition of the birthday song.  When she blows out the candle, only one wish comes to mind, _Cas, please. We need you._  
  
Sam and Dean go outside to put away the grill as Lexi clears the table and puts away the leftovers.  

She bags up the garbage, already smelly from Dean's onion scraps and takes it out back, past Sam and Dean who are throwing snowballs at each other.  

Dean tears across the yard, hiding behind a tree as Sam launches three tightly packed snow balls his way.  Lexi laughs at them.  She looks up at Sam to make fun of him, to ask him if he's suddenly reverted back to sixteen, but the look on Sam's face stops her cold. Before she can turn around she's pulled back against something, someone, her arms pulled at an awkward angle behind her back.  

Dean sprints from the other side of the yard to Sam's side, they both have their guns drawn.  
  
"Those are going to do anyone a bit of good," the demon warns the brothers. Two other demons standing at his side.  
  
"Let her go," Sam growls, his eyes giving a cold stare to the demon holding Lexi.  
  
"No, I don't think I will--"  
  
"Exorcizamus te, Omnis Immundus Spiritus--" Dean starts the exorcism, but the demon cuts his off with a squeeze of Lexi's throat.  A small whimper falls from her mouth and both the Winchesters see her eyes bulge just a little bit.  
  
"Try that again and I'll rip her throat out!" The demon looks down on Lexi, his hand no longer on her neck, now it's gently caressing her cheek, "Lilith wants to see you, wants to know what you are, wants to know what makes you tick."  
  
Sam lunges at the demon holding Lexi, but the two other demons grab him and toss him effortlessly against the side of the cabin. Seeing his brother fly through the air, Dean charges, but stops when he hears Lexi let out a blood curdling scream. The first demon has her right arm raised for the Winchesters to see, it's dangling limply from her wrist, twisted abnormally. The demon's crushed all the bones in her hand, easily as one would crumble dried leaves from the ground.  
  
"Try that again and it won't just be her hand that breaks." The demon looks down on Lexi, bending his meat suit's face down to smell her hair. "You're gonna make her so happy."  
  
Sam's eyes meet Lexi's just for a second and right before his eyes, her and the demons are gone.


	14. Chapter 14

For just a second, the brothers stand in shock, staring at the empty space where Lexi and the three demons stood just seconds before.

 "C'mon Sammy, we'll find her." Dean pulls his little brother by the arm back inside.  

They each go to separate ends of the cabin, packing their things. They need to get on the road and find Lexi. Sam flies up the stairs, his long legs letting him take them three at a time.  
  
Sam's on auto pilot right now, he empties his drawers, shoving handfuls of plaid and denim in his back pack, mindlessly shoving his effects from the top of his night stand and off the dresser into the bag, when his fingers move over his journal.  Auto pilot shuts off as he looks at the items he left behind in his mad dash to pack everything he owns. A lip gloss, a watch so small that it wouldn't even wrap half way around his wrist, the silver and moonstone necklace - the one day she forgot to put it on.  
  
Sam sits down on the bed, necklace in hand and all he can think about is if he'll ever be able to clasp it around her neck again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees his father's journal. Not that one that Dean has carefully packed in his duffel bag, but the one Lexi's been keeping away from him and his brother. She said there were things in there that they couldn't see.  Sam promised he'd wouldn't look at it until Lexi thought it was safe. Sam's fully prepared to break that promise, there might be something in the crinkled yellowed pages that can help them get Lexi back.  
  
Dean bursts through the door, "C'mon Sammy! Let's go!"  

Dean has no idea how they're going to track Lilith or the demons that took Lexi, but they're Winchesters; they find a way and if they can't, they make a way.  
  
"We can't leave her stuff Dean, she'll need her stuff when we get her back."  
  
"Alright," Dean grabs a leather back pack off the back of the door and shoves it into Sam's hands, "You pack her stuff up that's in here, I'll pack up her stuff in the bathroom." And Dean makes his way back down the stairs.  
  
In the bathroom, he has no idea what to pack.   _Who needs four different kinds of lotion, who the hell even uses lotion?_  

"The bare necessities, Dean, just the bare necessities," he says aloud.   _What would I pack myself?_  

He grabs Lexi's razor from the shower, a comb, one bottle of lotion, her tooth paste and tooth brush, deodorant and the little blue bag of make-up that sits in the basket on the counter top (not that Dean wears make-up, he just thought Lexi'd like to have it).  He doesn't look inside, he wouldn't know what mascara looked like if it bit him on the ass.  
  
Neither him, nor Sam have any toiletries to collect from the bathroom.  They both have shaving kit bags that they keep their stuff in, it's just habit. It's good, especially in times like this, when you have to get back on the road in minutes.  

He takes another half second to look over the bathroom, looking for anything that screams Lexi, something that she'll want when they get her back. He doesn't see anything that reaches out and grabs him, so he flicks off the light and closes the door.  
  
When he gets out in the living room Sam's in Lexi's pantry, shoving Ziplock bags of something that looks like dirt in to a duffel bag.  "Sam, what is that?" He notices Sam's bags in a pile on the floor, Lexi's guitar carefully placed among them.  
  
"Goofer dust, Lexi's been collecting it for you since we've been here." Sam shoves another duffel bag into Dean's arms, "Pack this all up, we might need it."  
  
Dean listens to his brother, packing up a large glass jar filled with Pulvis Creatura, some grave yard dirt, various herbs and charms. He zips up the bag and looks down at his watch on his left wrist. Took them seven minutes to get packed up. Not too shabby.  
  
Less that ten minute later, they're heading South on highway 6, out of the snowy town in Northern Minnesota. They don't know where they're supposed to go, but they know they have to get there fast.  
  
Sam stares out the window at the huge snow covered pine trees, and briefly at the three deer in the ditch.  Dean doesn't even slow down, as soon as the deer hear Dean's baby, they run into the safety of the woods.  He remembers back to when Dean was nineteen, making Sam about fifteen.  

 _Dean was driving and a doe was standing on the side of the road, munching on some grass or whatever it is that deer eat. Sam had braced himself, he thought for sure the deer was going to jump around and run right into the side of the Impala. As they passed the deer, it startled and ran into the woods, it's feet barely touching the ground._  
  
_"Jesus, Sammy!  Jumpy much?" Dean had punched him in the shoulder, it hurt, but Sam refused to let Dean know this. "M'not gonna hit a deer. Wouldn't ever do that to my baby." Dean affectionately petted the dash with his hand, not talking to Sam anymore. "Don't you worry, baby. If those deer know what's good for them, they'll high tail it the hell outta my way."_  
  
_Sam rolled his eyes at his big brother and frowned because the spot on his shoulder was killing him. Who the hell talks to their car anyhow?_  
  
_"Who you rollin' your eyes at, Sammy?" Dean punched his shoulder again, in the exact same spot and a smirk spread across his face, "Bitch."_ Which really means, I love you.  
  
_Sam laughed, the frown from seconds before just a distant memory, "Jerk."_ I love you too.  
  
"Well, Bobby, there's gotta be something!" Dean's yelling on the phone brings Sam's thoughts out of his memory and back into the Impala. "Okay, thanks." Dean clicks his phone shut and tosses it on the seat between him and his brother. "Bobby's got nothing, you find anything in Lexi's--I mean Dad's journal?"  
  
Sam's been holding Lexi's version of his dad's journal in his hands since they left the cabin. He opened it when they first got on the road and looked down on the John's entry about the wendigos, a page he's looked at a hundred times, the pages more worn than he remembered, but he couldn't make himself go further.  He thought he could break this promise.  He can't.  He tucks the journal back inside Lexi's leather bag down by his feet, while his own is in the trunk.

"We can't look in there. Besides this wouldn't be in there, it didn't happen then."  
  
"Sam, just---" Dean starts.  
  
"Dean, no.  We promised. For whatever reason it's important that we don't know too much about the future. We promised."  
  
Dean nods his head and scowls out at the slush covered road. He knows Sam's right, he's seen all the movies and just watched Tennant yammer on about non-linear, non-subjective viewpoints, and big balls of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey crap. "Fine, it's a last resort. What else then?"  
  
Sam purses his lips and looks out the window, shifting uncomfortably. He hates to even think about it, but the idea popped into his head as soon as Lexi disappeared right in front of him. "Ruby. We could ask Ruby."  
  
"You're out of your mind!  Lex was clear that you need to stay away from her. She told us that you mess with Ruby, bad shit happens. You got to hell! No Sammy, we stay the fuck away from Ruby. I mean it. We'll save Lex, I swear we will, but not like that."

Dean could practically feel the minutes tick by, less than a month and he'll be gone but he doesn't care about that, not at this second. He cares about getting Lex back for Sam. He'll do this. They'll do this.  
  
***  
  
Three weeks later, the Impala parked in front of a motel, Sam and Dean collapsed on their own beds. They aren't sleeping, they're staring up at the water damaged ceiling.  

It's been three weeks and they've been across the country and back and they've got nothing. Dean's got a week left, seven days, one hundred and sixty eight hours, ten thousand eighty minutes, six hundred and four thousand, eight hundred seconds. Dean never allowed himself to keep track, he didn't really need to, he could just feel it. _Six hundred and four thousand, seven hundred and ninety eight seconds._  
  
They've called every hunter they know, in just about every state, called in every favor they had got bupkis. Dean isn't tired, he isn't hungry, he isn't anything. _Six hundred and four thousand, seven hundred and ninety two seconds._  
  
"Sammy, I'm going to get some beer, you want anything?" Dean stands up from the bed and trudges to the door.  Sam doesn't answer, he just shakes his head, his eyes not blinking as his head lies back on the pillow. Dean decides to get a bottle too, it's one of _those_ nights.  He opens the door and standing there with her hands on her hips is Ruby.  
  
Sam jolts up from the bed and is at the door in one huge step.  Dean pushes him back down on the bed and growls, "No," slamming the door shut on Ruby. Sam opens his mouth to protest, but Dean cuts him off, "Don't even fucking think it, Sam. Don't even. I'll climb out the damn window in the bathroom to get my beer before we let that bitch in here."  
  
There's a light tap on the door, "You know I can hear you right?"  
  
"Hear what ever the fuck you want, blondie!  There's salt in front of the door and you're not coming in.  Go fuck with someone else!" Dean growls again.  
  
Another loud knock at the door, "Let." _Bang_! "Me." _BANG!_ "IN!"  
  
Sam gets up from the bed, but Dean pushes him back down, "Don't you fucking move."

Dean opens the door and punches Ruby square in the face, blood pours down her meat suit's face.  
  
"Fine." She hisses, not even wiping the blood from her face.  "Let her rot then. Let her _BURN_!" Ruby spins on her heel and stomps across the parking lot.  
  
Flying up off the bed, pushing past his brother and into the parking lot, "Wait!" Sam yells to the back of Ruby's blonde head. "Please, just wait."

Sam doesn't see the evil smile that twists it's way across Ruby's pink lips. 

No one does.  
  
*//*  
  
It's the pain that wakes Lexi up. Her head is pounding, her body aches, but it's her hand that trumps them all.  It's an angry shade of purple now, fingers bent at painfully awkward angles, some jutting out the the left by the knuckles, some just hanging limply against the palm of her hand.  

With a gasp and a groan she painfully forces herself to sit up. She's on a floor, a hard floor. A cold floor.

She looks around her; vegetables, individual packets of sour cream and coffee creamer in boxes line the shelves of her cold room. Bags of romaine lettuce next to cases of cucumbers, mushrooms and diced onions directly across from her. It's then that she realizes she in a fridge, a walk-in cooler, not unlike the one at the diner she brought Dean to months before, like the one she used to work at.  Walk-in coolers can lock from the outside, a perfect place for her captors to keep her, to store her.  
  
Memories of before, burn through her mind.  

Sam and Dean throwing snow balls at each other, the stinky onion peelings in the white trash can. Stinky onions Dean _had_ to have on his burger and then it all happened so fast. The look on Sam's face told her something was horribly wrong and before she knew it, her back was pressed into something solid, the acrid stench of sulfur filling her nose. Sam tried to help her, that earned him a flying lesson that ended with his body bouncing off the log exterior of the cabin. Dean tried exorcize the demon, but that didn't work either, it just earned her a tight squeeze to her throat.  

She brings her hand up to her neck and winces at the gentle pressure. _Yup, that's bruised too._  

Someone lunged, it all happened so quickly, she can't remember. Just the pain, the quick intense pressure on her hand and then the dull sound of snapping bones. Her limp, dangling fingers, the result of that.  
  
Her feet are cold. She doesn't have shoes on, just Dean's slippers that he left on the floor in the kitchen. She slipped them on just before bring out the garbage. Thankfully, despite the early spring and it's warmth, she decided to pull on one of Sam's huge hooded sweat shirts over her tee shirt, that'll keep her warm for awhile.

She stands to her feet, pushing herself up from the floor with her good hand, the mangled one pulled tight to her chest. Shakily she walks over to the cooler door, pressing on the handle.  It's locked and so is the handle to lift the lock, the one installed for the poor unsuspecting server that inevitably will get locked inside by some distracted line cook. It happened to her once or twice when she waitressed at the diner back home. She knows it's locked from the outside. Probably a padlock. Fucking demons. They weren't going to get much from her if she becomes a human version of a popscicle, not that she plans on telling them anything anyhow.  
  
She bangs on the door, "You fuckers, let me out!"

Through the little window in the door, she sees a shadow cast on the floor, someone's coming. She moves back in the cooler, pressing her back against a case of pre-portioned chocolate cakes.  

Lexi pats her pockets, digging around for something, but her pockets are empty, even her phone is gone. She's not in the habit of keeping her gun in her waist band anymore. She hasn't in years. She promptly decides that if she gets out of this, she's going to make it a habit. WHEN she gets out of this. _When_.  
  
She hears the click of the padlock open over the hum of the cooling fans above her.  A woman about her age opens the door, her eyes black, "'Bout time you woke up."  
  
Lexi doesn't move, her eyes locked on the demon in front of her.  
  
"You coming out or you gonna make this difficult and make me come in there and get you." She growls at her, clearly impatient.  
  
Taking a hesitant step from her pre-portioned cakes, Lexi makes her way out of the cooler. The warm air of the restaurant making it's way to her skin, making the cold tip of her nose tingle. "Where am I?"  
  
The demon doesn't answer her, but instead grabs her by her good arm and drags her past the industrial sized dishwasher, past the prep tables and the grills. Lexi notices a teenage boy sprawled out on the floor, apparently a bus boy or dishwasher, judging by his faded black apron. There is blood dried on the corner of his mouth and a gaping crimson hole in his middle. With a jerk, the demon pulls her past the boy's dead body, through the swinging doors and into a room she'd recognize anywhere.  

The salad cooler, the warming window, the malt maker next to the ice cream freezer. This is the diner she brought Dean to, the one she worked at when she was still in school. _Best cheeseburgers in the county_ , she bragged to Dean that day.  
  
On the floor are three dead waitresses, two of whom she doesn't recognize, one she can't see the face, but can tell by the tan arms and legs, the dark brown hair against the white of the tiles, she knows it's Cami. She doesn't have time to gasp or mourn her dead friend on the floor because the demon is pulling her around the corner and into the dining area of the diner.  
  
It's the smell that hits here before the sight. Bodies slumped over, faces in their BLTs, cups of soup and cobb salads. Every booth is filled, it would have been a good lunch rush, but she doesn't get to think like that for long.

It's the back of the room that catches her attention.

Among all the death and decay, something stands out. A little blonde girl, sitting with her ankles crossed, in a pale pink dress and barrettes in her hair. Her hands sit neatly folded in her lap and a smile on her face.  

Lexi gasps and struggles to get away from the demon holding her. She knows exactly who this little girl is, she recognizes her from descriptions in both Sam and Dean's journals. The blonde hair, the almost cute button nose.  
  
_Lilith._  
  
"I've been wondering when you were going to wake up and come play with me." Lilith says with almost believable innocence.  
  
Lexi presses herself into the demon, knowing the damage the female demon at her back could inflict, would be nothing compared to what Lilith can and will probably do to her. Lexi was nervous in the cooler, scared that she was going to be stuck in there, scared of what the demons would do to her for information or just for plain fun, but she petrified of Lilith. She's petrified of what Lilith wants, and what she'll do to get it.  
  
Lilith smooths the non-existent wrinkles from her fluffy dress, "You don't want to play with me?" She knits her eyebrows in mock sadness and sticks her bottom lip out, pouting just a little bit.  "You don't like me," it's not a question, it's a statement, "I want to play with you. I like you. I want to be your best friend and best friends tell each other all their secrets, don't they Lexi?"  
  
She gets up from her chair with a little hop, her dress flouncing with the motion. The demon pushes Lexi to her knees so she's at Lilith's height, "You're going to tell me all kinds of secrets." She says slowly with a sinister smile. 

Lexi flinches when Lilith's eyes roll back and flash a milky white. She tries to move away from the small hand that is inching slowly toward her face, but Lilith's powers are strong. Lexi doesn't get move unless Lilith wants her to.  

Gently, Lilith's hand rests on the side of Lexi's head, instantaneously a scream rips itself from Lexi's mouth.  
  
Lilith smiles, "I knew you'd want to play with me."


	15. Chapter 15

"Wait!" Sam yells to the back of Ruby's blonde head as she walks away. "Please, just wait."

Sam doesn't see the evil smile that twists it's way across Rub's pink lips before she turns around and follows Sam in to the motel room. No one does.

Sam kicks the salt line away as he walks back into the hotel room, Ruby following cautiously behind him.  

She knew Sam would come around, but she watches Dean closely. Dean has Lexi's version of Ruby's knife clenched in his right hand, ready to plunge into her chest if she so much as breaths wrong. _That's okay_ , Ruby thinks to herself, _Dean will be gone soon, I don't need Dean.  I need Sam._  
  
But those are Ruby's secrets, only she knows them.  Well, her and Lexi, who isn't here.  _Thank God, or who the fuck ever_ , but she knows that Sam won't trust her unless she helps him find his precious Lexi. She'll have to deal with Lexi, one way or another. She still has connections and there are any number of demons out there that would love to have a go with a Winchester, even if she has the name by marriage. Especially a Winchester from the future.  
  
"Look," Ruby starts, "I don't know what Lexi told you, but I'm not here to mess with Sam or bring back Lucifer." She looks to Sam, "I was helping you, remember? The last thing I'd want is Lucifer walking around topside. Why do you think demons climb out of hell? It's hell for us too."  
  
Dean scoffs, "Yeah, sure. You're just helping us out of the kindness of your cold black heart." He rolls his eyes and looks to Sam, "You're buying this?  You're gonna trust a demon over Lex?"  
  
"Dean! We got no other leads! This is it, Ruby is it. She wouldn't be here if she didn't know where Lexi is!" Sam runs his hand through his hair in frustration.  
  
"I don't know where she is," Ruby interrupts, hoping the truth will get her somewhere. "But I know Lilith has her. I don't know what it is, but Lexi's got some kind of juice. It's caught Lilith's attention. Lexi's been in Lilith's sites for awhile, that's why I came to you that day, I tried to tell you."  
  
"You didn't tell me she came to the cabin!  Jesus Christ, Sammy! Ruby can't help you, she can't help Lex. She's just here to fuck with you, just like Lex told you. Ruby's bad news, Sam." Dean starts to shove his things in his bag, he's taking his brother and getting the fuck out of here.  If she says so much as one more word he's gonna jam this knife so far down---  
  
"I don't know where she is, but I know where she'll be in a week." Ruby digs in the pocket of her dark jacket and pulls out two little pouches. "Take these, they'll keep you off Lilith's radar."  
  
Sam picks up one of the pouches, flipping it over in his hand, "What are they?"  
  
"Hex bags, keep them on you and when the night comes, _the night_ ," Ruby looks to Dean, "She won't know you're coming to take her out."  
  
"Woah, hold the fuck up! Sam, see! Lex told you about this, she said that the only way you could kill Lilith was with Ruby. Lex said that Ruby would brainwash you into thinking that killing Lilith would save the world! She told you what would happen if you killed Lilith. You, Sam! In hell! No! Get the fuck out, Ruby! We're done here."  
  
At that moment it dawns on Sam, "Lexi said Ruby and I kill Lilith, that Lilith is the last seal, or whatever, but what if we kill Lilith first?  What if she doesn't get a chance to break any seals, and we just take her out?  We save you, Dean, we save Lexi and stop the end of the world from even coming! Dean! This is it!"  

Sam's body is humming with energy right now and he thinks, _This is it, I've figured it out! Save Dean, save Lexi and the world!  All we have to do is kill Lilith._  
  
Just for a second, Dean considers it, but then he stops, "If it were that easy, Lex would have thought of it. She would have said something. No, Sam, something's not right here. We don't even know how to kill Lilith."  
  
Dean doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to go to burn in hell, he doesn't want to be ripped to shreds, tortured for God knows how long. That's the last thing he wants.  He wants to grow old, live in the apartment above Sam and Lex's garage, meet that girl Lex talked about that day on the river.  He wants to be the uncle that his nieces loved so much. He wants to be _that_ guy. He doesn't want to go to hell, but not this way. Not with a demon by their side. It's supposed to be him and Sam. It's always him and Sam, no matter what.  
  
 _Six hundred and four thousand, two hundred and twenty one seconds._ The seconds, they tick by so quickly.  
  
"If you two cut the brother drama, I can tell you how to kill Lilith."  

Ruby doesn't know anything about Sam going to hell and frankly she doesn't care. Her interest lies purely in her end game, but she doesn't want to get ahead of herself. In a week, Dean will be gone and then she'll get Lexi out of the way and she'll have Sam all to herself. She has plans for Sam. When he's a broken shell of a man, at his lowest point, his brother rotting in hell, wife dead and buried in the ground, she'll be able to get Sam to do whatever she wants. She just has to be patient.  
  
"You just have an answer for everything, don't you!  What, you gonna pull out some magic bazooka that'll ice Lilith?" Dean growls at Ruby.  
  
"No, there's no special rocket launcher to kill Lilith, just a man," her gaze shifts to Sam, "A man with some real God-given talent," Ruby pauses, "Well, not God-given..." she adds sarcastically. "Nope, not a rocket launcher, just Sam and the bomb inside him. He can ice Lilith with out even flexing a muscle. I can teach you, Sam. We have a week. You can save Dean, save the girl and then we can all go home."

 _Hook._  
  
The younger Winchester looks over at his brother, "Dean, we have to try.  We've looked at everything, Bobby's looked at everything. This is it. I know it is."  
  
 _Line._  
  
Dean purses his lips. Every cell in his body is screaming at him to gank Ruby right now. Lex was pretty clear when she said that Ruby was bad fucking news.

"If I agree to this," he stops, his eyes darting between Sam and Ruby, "and I'm not saying that I am, but if I do, you're gonna have to tell me everything. I'm there every step of the way while you teach Sammy what he needs to know. If one toe goes out of line, if you do one thing that gives me the jeebs," he raises Lex's version of Ruby's knife, "You're dead." 

_This feels wrong,_ Dean thinks, _this feels so wrong._  
  
Ruby hides her smile.  
  
 _Sinker._  
  
*//*  
  
She can't even scream anymore, it's just air that comes out now. Air that comes out in painful quick, sharp and short gasps, the once high pitched, agony filled screams now gone.    
  
Lilith's tried everything, she's pulled out all the stops, but Lexi refuses to break. She'll never break, she'd rather die than ever utter a single word that would harm Sam or Dean and right now she thinks her death isn't that far way. She knows it won't be a peaceful death, not the death she's always hoped for. She always pictured that one day when she was old and gray, she'd lay down for her afternoon nap, fall asleep with a smile on her face and just never wake up.  But if she were to die right here and now, it would be worth every ounce of pain, every gaping piece of burnt flayed skin, every skull shattering blow, if she knew it was all to save Sam.  
  
They're not in the diner of her hometown anymore. It turns out Lilith doesn't like to stay in one place for long. They started in Northern Minnesota, then before Lexi knew what was happening, they were in a home in Oregon, it's former occupants gutted and left on the floor to rot, but they didn't stay there long either. Lilith moved everybody to a church. A church of all places. Stained glass windows, twelve stages of the cross carvings on the walls, confessionals, the soft glow of candles flickering in the background, not exactly were Lexi thought she'd die.  She feels like she's been in this room with Lilith for years, but maybe it was just minutes, there's no way to tell now.    
  
The only thing Lexi is aware of right now is pain, the instinctual need to flee, just a distant memory. The white hot searing pain that grips her from the inside, making it's way into every crevice in her body, every muscle, and every cell inside her, but she still won't break.  Not ever.  
  
"WHY WON'T YOU BREAK?" Lilith shrieks. She doesn't understand.  _How is this human enduring all of this?_  
  
It had been days of assorted blades, fire hot rods of metal and all the flames Lilith could conjure. Then it had been weeks of pure demonic torture. Lexi's bones were broken, fractured and dislocated just by Lilith merely willing it to be done. Lilith made Lexi's blood boil, and then hover at a temperature near to freezing. Her lungs were ripped out by Lilith's unseen powers, bringing Lexi almost to death and then magically put back inside, leaving her gasping for breath, each gasp feeling like it was filled with crushed glass and miniscule knives. Clearly Lexi was in pain, excruciating pain. Her skin sizzled and peeled off when burned, her veins bled when they'd been slashed, bones shattered when enough pressure was applied, but still no words were uttered, no information on the Winchesters spilled from her bloody, swollen and broken lips, just screams.  Lilith liked the screams, her young face contorting in to an evil grin with every shrill scream, shriek and plea, but even those stopped. Now it was pathetic gasps, wheezes and chokes.  
  
One morning Lilith proclaims she's done playing around. She's made her way through this world for countless millennia with out the help of a human, she doesn't need it now, but killing this pathetic human is beneath her, and she has places to be, things to do, souls to send to hell. 

She smooths her pale pink dress, smearing blood, hair and pieces of crispy skin. "Little girls who don't play nicely get punished," Lilith purrs to a panting, bleeding and slumped over Lexi. "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy my games, but you didn't follow the rules..." She motions for one her female demons to Lexi's side, "I'm done with her, your turn to play."  
  
Lilith is gone right before Lexi's eyes. Lexi knows exactly where she's going. Dean. It's _the_ day.  
  
A group of female demons circle Lexi as she presses herself into the floor, trying to make herself as small as possible. _This is it_ , she thinks as she squeezes her eyes shut, "SAM!"  
  
*//*  
  
Dean is pissed. Dean is petrified.  
  
Ruby and Sam had been working to release his inner bazooka with no luck. All of it made Dean uneasy, Lex's words echoing in his head, _This is why it's so important to kill Ruby as soon as possible. I've already told you that she manipulates you and your abilities and make you think you have to kill Lilith._  Dean didn't trust Ruby as far as he could throw her, which considering she was maybe a buck five soaking wet... Whatever.  He doesn't trust her.  
  
Now they're standing in a yellow kitchen, having just killed a handful of demons and the friendly neighborhood mailman (possessed, of course) and a 'burb family of three locked in the basement. At some point Lilith smoked out of the little girl, thankfully Dean stopped his little brother just in time before gutting her with Ruby's knife, Lex's version clenched tightly in Dean's own hand. Lilith was no where in sight, Dean had just minutes.  
  
"Ruby, tell me what to do," Sam begs tearfully, "I'll do anything, I'll try harder. Just tell me what to do."  
  
"I really thought you could do it, Sam. I thought you were the one, but it's too late." She purses her lips and tries her best to look sad, broken-hearted even, for both of the boys, though only just a ruse.  
  
Sam begs again, "There's gotta be something, there's gotta be a way, whatever it is, I'll do--"  
  
"Sammy, no!" Dean interrupts, grabbing Sam's arm and turning toward him.  
  
"Dean! I'm not letting you go to hell!" Sam yells back, desperate.  
  
"YES YOU ARE!" he pauses, "Yes you are. I'm sorry. This is all my fault and I'm sorry. Working with Ruby, it's not going to save me. Lex, she warned us. This," he motions to Ruby, "This isn't the way. I've known it it this whole time, this isn't the way."  
  
"What am I supposed to do?" Sam implores his brother, his big brother, the only man who's ever been a constant in his life, the man who is going to hell for him; _Dean._  
  
Dean looks up at his brother, his best friend, with so much love it makes his heart hurt, "You keep fighting. You keep fighting to get to that future Lex keeps going on about. You find her and you keep her safe." He pulls his brother into a hug and whispers, "It's not forever, Sam.  I'll be back, I swear it."  Both Sam and Dean fight to believe it.  
  
The clock strikes midnight.  
  
*//*  
  
Lexi can't tell what hurts worse, the kicks to the jaw, chest, stomach or the feelings she can feel coming through the bond, the miles between her and Sam. She's knows what's happening as she's dying on this cold church floor. She thinks her and Dean are going to die at the same time, only she won't come back like Dean.  
  
"You know what Lilith's doing right now?" A demon standing above Lexi cackles out loud in a shrill voice.  
  
Lexi gives a gasp and a whine for an answer as she gets a swift kick into the middle of her back, the same spot Sam was stabbed in the back exactly a year ago, sending blinding pain through her whole body, but she's not dead. She wishes she was, but she's not.  
  
"Making puppy chow," another demon purrs with mock sympathy as she kicks Lexi in the face so hard Lexi bounces back into the legs of a demon behind her. Blood fills her throat and mouth and suddenly she can't breath. As she opens her eyes, she realizes that she's not choking on blood. A demon with dark brown hair and plump pink lips is in her face, hands tight around her neck.  

"And you're little boyfriend, he's as good as dead. You just wait."  
  
At that moment Lexi feels it. Fueled by desperation, it comes from a place deep inside her, the sudden strength, clarity, the grace swirls around inside her. With hands she doesn't even remember moving, she throws the plump lipped demon off of her and into a row of church pews. Another demon lunges at her and with out even touching it, Lexi sends it flying.  
  
"What the fuck are you?" A demon growls, reaching and finding purchase on Lexi's neck, hands winding tightly, "It doesn't matter but in just a minute, all the Winchesters will be dead. Dean, Sam and then you. You'll all burn in hell!"  
  
"NO!"  

Grace swirling inside her, so rapidly that her whole body vibrates and that's when she can feel it. The light starts in her soul, fills her heart, every muscle, ligament, tendon, bone, cell, every part of her and then it explodes with a blinding white light. Reds, blues, greens and golds of the stained glass windows tinkle to the floor as they shatter, pages of hymnals burst from the spines of their navy blue covers, solid oak pews fly into wooded walls with a heavy solid crash and demons fall limply to the floor.  

And then everything falls silent.

Pages flutter to the floor all around Lexi. She looks at the demons, lying so still on the floor. They're all dead. The demons gone. She can hear the wind blowing and crickets playing their songs outside. It's almost peaceful.  
  
"Sam..." Lexi calls out, it's just a whisper as, she falls to the floor, weak and exhausted.  

She looks down at her her ripped and filthy clothing, bloody hands, her bleeding, and burned body, which just a second ago, was illuminated with the light of her grace and then all at once it was pulled back inside her. Now quiet and calm just the way it was before. She can feel the last of the light wind it's way back around her heart and her soul, back into the place it's made itself right at home, but doesn't belong.  

She fights unconsciousness, because she knows where she needs to be. Sam needs her, he can't be alone right now. Not after what just happened.  

Dean.  
  
"MOVE!" she screams at herself, pushing her sore and broken body from the church floor, flinging herself through it's wooden double doors and running out into the blackness of midnight.  

Her left leg feels broken, her right hand dangling limply from it's wrist, but none of that matters, she can't feel it. All she feels is grief, overwhelming sadness, loss and devastation. She feels a heart breaking and it's not her's.  
  
It's Sam's.


	16. Chapter 16

Lexi doesn't come from a long line of hunters, and unlike the Winchesters, her family isn't anything special. She comes from a long line of loggers, truck drivers, and lumber mill workers. The only reason she knows anything about hunting is because years ago, her Uncle Mark happened to stumble in on a pair of hunters trailing a wendigo.    
  
In 2001, Mark's truck stalled on Highway 6, and the family's deer hunting cabin was a shorter walk than his house. Taking a short cut through the woods, Mark heard a man yell for help, and not a _son-of-a-bitch-my-four-wheeler's-stuck-in-the-swamp-again_ yell, it was a _yell-for-your-life_ kind of yell. Those woods are known to have timber wolves, coyotes, bobcats and lynx, so with watchful eyes and his Smith  & Wesson M&P knife at the ready, Mark followed the sound as best as he could.  

It was foggy that day, and being a truck driver, it always seemed like when the weather was shit, so was his luck. So in his bag, along side a thermos of coffee, a bag of fresh oatmeal raisin cookies, and a roast beef and cheddar sub his wife, Tina, made him the night before, Mark packed a dozen of so flares. It turned out he didn't need them while making a run to International Falls, but those flares saved his life.  
  
As he walked through the woods, he knew something was following him. He'd hear branches snapping behind him, and when he'd spin around, there wouldn't be anything there. The yells he'd heard earlier had stopped, but he heard whispering, to which he couldn't locate the source.

With the cabin in Mark's sites, just a hundred or so yards in front of him, two men jumped out from behind huge spruce trees, brandishing make shift flame throwers attached to propane cans. Mark dove to the ground and started to belly crawl away, but when he realized they were killing the thing with fire, he remembered those road flares in his pack.  

That sucker lit up like Christmas tree.  
  
The two hunters names were Bobby Singer and Rufus Turner. They took Mark out to the bar in town, told him about the job, and what really hid in the shadows. In that instant, Mark knew he was meant to be a hunter.  

He read every book in Bobby's library and memorized every bit of lore his brain could contain. At first, because of his wife, Tina, Mark only took local jobs, but a year later his wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the doctor gave her six months. She died eight weeks later.    
  
For five years Mark drove from one side of the country to the other in his busted up '83 Chevy Scottsdale. He killed two more wendigo in his career, salt and burned countless spirits, got his ass kicked by a seemingly innocent eight year old girl with pigtails, whom he later found out was a changeling. The list went on and on, until the day he got a call from Itasca County Social Services. His niece, seventeen year old Alexis Elizabeth Garrison, was an orphan, six months shy of her eighteenth birthday. His brother, Anthony ,and his sister in-law, Elizabeth, were killed in a hit and run car accident.  
  
Mark packed up his smelly motel room in five minutes and jumped into the Scottsdale. He was back in Minnesota in less than ten hours.

Lexi refused to set one foot back in her childhood home, so it was rented out, and then eventually sold, the money put into a savings account for Lexi for college or whatever she wanted to do. They lived in the family's hunting cabin, Mark's house sold after Tina died.  

Lexi finished school and wanted to hunt with Mark, having started a rebellious phase after the death of her parents. After months of arguments consisting of the phrase, 'I'm over eighteen, and you can't tell me what I can and can't do!' and months and _months_ of Lexi threatening to just go out on her own, just days after Lexi's nineteenth birthday, Mark brought her to South Dakota. 

Mark made it clear she was never to go out on hunts, but he let her "intern" with Bobby; learning the phones, being a grunt when it came to research, and making hunters hearty meals when they crashed in campers among the rusted up cars in the back lot. She did just about everything except for hunt.

It always amazes Lexi how she never met the Winchesters before the day she finally did, not the night of the djinn like she had initially told the brothers. The night of the djinn was the night they found her again.

The night they actually met was well before then.

Looking around in John Winchester's journal, the dates Sam and Dean visited Singer Auto Salvage almost overlapped with her time there. Just missing each other by days and weeks, once even by hours, but of course Lexi would have been a whiney brat, pissed off at the world, not to mention five years younger than Sam, almost ten years younger than Dean. They wouldn't have given her a second glance, but all that won't happen, not now. That Lexi is gone, Bobby never laying eyes on her until Christmas 2007.  
  
In Lexi's original timeline, Bobby Singer and Uncle Mark taught Lexi how to acquire ancient and dead texts to dig up research, how to read a map when she didn't even know which was way North, and they taught her the way around every weapon in their arsenal, but since she wasn't allowed to hunt, they never taught her how to survive. Sam and Dean did that.    
  
They taught her how to play poker, shoot darts, and hustle pool. Sam taught her how to pick locks, and Dean taught her how to hot wire cars. They taught her credit card fraud, where to get fake ids, what kinds of hotel rooms to check into when you're trying to be found, and what kind to check into when you're trying to hide. They taught her their code words, why it's important to keep secret storage lockers with extra weapons, ammo, cash and credit cards, and how to deactivate a security alarm, but most importantly they taught her how to fight.  
  
All those things come in handy as Lexi makes her way to Pontiac, Illinois. She doesn't need her version of John Winchester's journal to know that's where Sam is going to bury his brother, that entry is one she'll never forget.

She finds a busted up, Toyota Tercel, manages to hot wire it with one her mangled hands and hits the road. She doesn't need a map to know she's heading East, it's instinct. She just drives that Tercel for all it's worth.    
  
Once she gets to a town, she knows where she is, about four hours away from Pontiac. Four hours is too long. She knows she only has about three because she wants to get to the woods where Sam will bury Dean, before Sam does. She doesn't want him to be alone. She presses the accelerator down to the floor, Dean's slippers on her feet and the muscles and nerves screaming objections to the movement. She silently vows to make it in two hours and forty five minutes.  
  
Three hours later, the Toyota has given up the ghost. Dean's voice laughing in her mind, _that's what you get for picking pieces of shit, Lex._  
  
Under the hood is mess, anti-freeze spraying over her shoulder, steam rolling off the engine, Lexi doesn't have a clue. She slams the hood down and looks around, up and down the dirt road she somehow managed to get the POS Tercel to the side of.  

She can see a good mile or two in either direction, no one to hitch a ride with, not that anyone would pick her up in her state; bloody, broken, and beaten. She's in the middle of nowhere, no cell phone, and no idea which way to head.  

She looks up the sky and screams, "YOU PROMISED! CAS, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU PROMISED YOU'D SAVE HIM! YOU PROMISED YOU'D SAVE THEM BOTH!"  
  
But her screaming prayers don't elicit any sort of response. The birds sing their songs, chipmunks and squirrels run frantic to gather as much food for the winter, still months off.  
  
She leans rather painfully against the blue body of the stolen car and lets out sigh, but doesn't let herself cry. She knows if she starts she won't be able to stop. She'll cry for Sam, she'll cry for Dean, she'll cry for herself, her broken bones and bruised body, "Please, Cas..." she whispers, but Cas doesn't come.    
  
A tiny spark flicks inside a place that she can only describe as her soul and catches her attention. Frantically she looks from one end of the dirt road to the other, expecting to see a dusty Impala, but there's nothing.

Whipping herself around, ignoring the pain in her leg, she looks to the woods and it's tall trees and thick foliage. Without a second thought, she hauls ass down into the ditch, refusing to let herself stumble on weak legs. She has no idea where she's running to, it's all blind faith that her legs will lead her to where she needs to be. 

Thick roots try their best to trip her, sharp branches pull at her hair and scratch her face, but that just makes her run faster.

 _Push through the pain_ , she remembers Sam telling her when she was delivering Antonia. Ahe about cuffed him upside the head at that particular moment, but now, it's her mantra. If she pushes through the pain, she'll find Sam. The logic, purely blind faith, but it's all she has.  
  
After a lifetime of running (probably twenty minutes) she skids to a halt as she hears the sound of a metal spade ripping into earth. Creeping closer, she sees a light colored hand made wooden coffin, the top nailed shut and dirt flying up out of a grave. 

"Sam..." she breathes, but she makes herself stay hidden.

She was wrong before, she's not supposed to be there, not right now. She stays in the thick brush behind trees and various foliage. She'll make herself known when she's needed. She can feel all that Sam's feeling; his grief, sorrow, regret and guilt, it's coming off him in giant waves. It hurts. There's no way Sam can sense Lexi, not now, the exact same feelings are coming off Lexi, and she's sure they're muddled with his own. Lexi may be _feeling_ the same thing Sam is, but Sam's _living_ it, right now.

She watches him throw the shovel across the open space and heave his body out of the six foot hole in the ground. He kneels along side the pine box, resting his hand on the surface, letting his shoulders sag and his head hang. Something catches the corner of Lexi's eye and her vision is drawn to the left, something is coming up behind Sam!  

Her first instinct is to run at whoever is threatening to hurt her Sam, but she stops herself just in time, it's Bobby. He's got two lengths of rope in his hands, his hat missing and his shoulders heavy. He doesn't know Dean will be back in September, probably thinks Lexi failed her mission: _Save Dean._ For all Bobby knows, Bobby lost a son today.  
  
Together, with tear streaked faces, they use the rope to lower Dean's coffin down into the grave. It's a somber moment, a heart breaking moment, and even though Lexi knows Dean will be back, the thought of where he'll be until September is still unthinkable.    
  
Lexi's read about hell, old dusty texts, versions of the bible, all in various languages. She's studied ancient drawings that depicte death, heaven, hell and the afterlife, without words, simply because they were drawn in a time before the written word.

She remembers being at Bobby's one afternoon before her and Sam were married. On a shelf she found a copy of Divine Comedy. Barely into Inferno, Dean came up behind her and whispered, "You know, it's not that far off." 

Of course Dean never elaborated, but Lexi knew and was never able to finish the book after that. Every adjective, simile and metaphor used to describe the bowels of hell, only made Lexi think of the Winchester's time there. She's never picked up that book again.  
  
It's only been hours since Dean's been gone, but it's been weeks, maybe months to Dean; never ending excruciating torture. The thought makes bile rise up in Lexi's throat, and she swallows hard to keep it down.  

Through the trees and brush, she watches Bobby and Sam carefully lower the wooden box into the ground. Then Bobby picks up a shovel to help fill the hole back in, but Sam gently takes the shovel from Bobby and shakes his head. This is Sam's job.

They hug and if any words are exchanged, Lexi doesn't hear them. Bobby leaves the burial site, his spirits visibly crushed and soon Lexi hears the sound of Bobby's truck drive off the dusty dirt road.  
  
Watching Sam dump shovelfuls of black dirt on this his brother's grave all alone is painful to watch, but Lexi knows she has to stay put. This moment in time needs to happen for Sam, uninterrupted. This isn't part of Lexi's past, this is Sam's present, his right now and someday it'll be Dean's past, even if he'll never know what went on this exact second. Knowing all of this, Lexi keeps quiet and just watches.  

She watches Sam pat the spade of the shovel over the mounded earth, trying to keep his shoulders square and his stance stoic, but the grief weighs so much. She watches him nail two small branches together and pound it into the ground, making Dean's grave marker. He kneels next to the mound and smooths the surface with his hands, all grimy, sweaty and blistered from the dig. She can see his mouth move as he talks to his big brother's dead body, but she can't make out the words.  

 _Probably for the best,_ Lexi decides. Those are Sam's words to Dean, they're not meant for anyone else.  
  
The sun starts to sink below the tree line, and Sam pushes his body up off the ground, wiping his sore hands on his dirty jeans. He gathers the rope and the shovels, and when he brings them to the trunk, Lexi sprints from her hiding place in the woods, her body stiff from standing still for so long, sore from her month long torture session with Lilith.

When Sam slams the trunk closed, the first thing he sees is Lexi and he freezes like there's a ghost in front of him, like how a normal person would react to seeing a ghost; face paling, mouth gaping, eyes big.

At first Lexi thinks Sam's angry she's there, his eyes are dull and lifeless, just staring at Lexi. His face is completely expressionless, just his red rimmed eyes and a dirty, tear stained face looks on her. Their eyes lock for just a second, and Sam falls apart.    
  
Lexi runs into him, wraps her arms around his neck and holds him close. Silent sobs shake Sam's body as they slide down the rear of the Impala to the ground, Lexi ignores her broken bones, gaping skin and bruised body because Sam is more broken and bruised right now that Lexi could ever be.  
  
"He's gone." Sam whispers and says nothing more.


	17. Chapter 17

On the soft grass at the rear of the Impala, Sam rests his head in Lexi's lap, and she leans up against the shiny chrome of the Impala's bumper. It's well into the night, and the stars are so bright up in the inky black sky, making it easy for Lexi to pick out several twinkling constellations. She only knows them because Sam taught her the summer after they were married, Alex growing in her belly. That long ago summer night, just over three years from now, Sam sat behind her leaning his back up against the windshield of the Impala, with one hand resting on Lexi's growing belly, the other pointing out the constellations, stars, and even a planet or two.

Still staring up at the sky, now focusing on The Big and Little Dipper, Lexi silently cards her fingers through Sam's hair, stopping only to gently scratch his scalp with the tips of her fingernails, the way she knows he likes.  
  
After her Uncle Mark died, she had stepped away from the life, and Bobby was all too happy to help her.

Lexi went backpacking in Europe, she went on an Alaskan cruise, she went to college, but left after only a semester. She packed up everything she owned and hitched a ride all the way back to South Dakota when she learned Bobby'd been stabbed and was in a wheelchair.  
  
Bobby was a ornery old crank those months, even more so than usual, but Lexi never paid any attention. She knew it was all a cover.

Bobby being a grouchy grump was acceptable, in fact Bobby was notorious for being a crank. But Bobby wasn't cranky, Bobby was sad, Bobby was depressed and Lexi did for him what she could. She worked the phones, dug up research for other hunters, cooked for Bobby and the random hunters who strolled into the salvage yard. She held down the fort while Bobby recouped. Not long after that was when she met Dean and Sam, for the first time.  
  
Lexi had gone into town to get some groceries. How Bobby had lasted that long on a steady diet of whiskey in a plastic bottle, Slim Jim's and pork rinds, was far beyond Lexi's comprehension, but she was going to get him to eat some thing green if it was the last thing she ever did. When she came back, Bobby was gone.  

No note was left, and his office was immaculate, which made her believe right there that he was hiding something. All that was left was wheel chair tracks to where Bobby's one running vehicle had been parked and a browser history.

The guy could dig up lore no one had ever heard of and could kill a man fifty five different ways just using his left elbow, but he couldn't remember to delete his browser history. This told Lexi exactly where Bobby was headed and why.  

Knowing that Bobby was going to try to gamble himself back to his glory days, long before he lost the use of his legs, Lexi jumped in her Chevy Scottsdale and drove as fast as she could to find Bobby.  
  
A few hours later she was in a hotel room with Bobby, Sam and a gray-haired Dean. Introductions were made, and plenty of jokes and sarcasm were exchanged.  
  
Lexi was on her first official case, working out in the field and it was all she could do to keep the grin off her face. When Sam made the comment about Dean looking like Emperor Palpatine, her and Sam had a good laugh; elbowing each other in the ribs and hiding snickers when Dean (unsuccessfully) hit on the housekeeper.

Lexi didn't know it at the time, but she had just met the man she was going to marry.  
  
Lexi went with Sam when he played for Dean's years back. Her heart stopped when Sam went all in on the last hand of Texas Hold 'Em, Dean dying alone in Patrick's apartment, but when the she saw the two fours in Sam's hand and in the flop, she knew. Sam had won, and his years were paid in full to Dean, effectively "Benjamin Buttons'ing" Dean back to his proper age of thirty.  

Sam and Lexi bolted from the building, and as soon as the cool night air hit their faces, he pressed her up against the cool brick building and kissed her. It just lasted a second, and they both jumped apart at the sound of Bobby's horn blaring from the street.  

Dean had a grin plastered across his face, the same one Lexi would learn Dean wore often, but Bobby was less than impressed. He threw his own version of the bitch face at Sam and shook his head vehemently at Lexi, but no one said a word.  
  
They got back to South Dakota just a couple days later. Lexi made the three men dinner, and then Sam and Dean were off with out a word. Other than a few late night phone calls and scattered flirty text messages between her and Sam, she didn't see them again until the dead started to rise.  
  
Before Sam came back from hell and made himself known, Lexi had only spent time with him a handful of times. The last time she saw Sam was just before he, Dean, Cas and Bobby left for Detroit.    
  
Bobby and Dean were in the office arguing about their plan even though Sam had already made his mind, he was going to say yes to Lucifer. Sam had grabbed Lexi by the hand as she was putting the supper leftovers away that no one had even touched.

Silently Sam led Lexi to the back of the salvage yard, to a rusted out Crown Vic, and they sat on the hood and watched the sky just like they're doing right now. Sam never said a word, there wasn't anything to say. He couldn't make any promises, he couldn't tell her how he really felt about her, they didn't say anything.

Staring up at the indigo night sky, watching the stars twinkle, had led to gentle kisses, the frantic need to rid themselves of all layers of clothing and then rushed desperate movements. Lexi thought she knew this was the last time she'd see Sam, there were so many things she thought she knew.  

She didn't know anything.  
  
Sam didn't use the whole last-night-on-earth spiel, he didn't need to. If Lexi and Sam had lived in another life, a life with out miles of highway, demons, monsters, Lucifer, Michael, the Apocalypse, nothing would have kept them apart. But, the fact of the matter was, they were in the life they were in, and everything in the world was keeping them apart.

Except for in that moment.

In that moment, they were together, just Sam and Lexi pressed into the hood of that car, the chilly May air cooling the sweat on their naked skin, and the twinkling stars above them.  
  
After, Bobby, Sam, and Dean packed up the Impala, while Lexi watched from the front door way of the house, leaning against it's frame. As Sam climbed into the passenger seat, he gave her a half smile and a nod, and she did the same back. When the shiny black door closed shut, Lexi forced herself to keep it together, just long enough for them to get out of the driveway.    
  
She watched Dean pull the shifter down in to reverse through the windshield, and it was like she wasn't in control of her body anymore. Her feet flew through the dew damp grass and into the drive way. When Sam saw her start to run he scrambled out of the Impala, even as Dean started to back up. Lexi jumped up into Sam's arms, wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him with everything she had. Sam held her tight, his kisses frenzied and wild as they tried to cram a lifetime of minutes into those seconds, but it was all in vain.  

After only a minute, with both Dean and Bobby's jaws wide open, she unwrapped her legs from Sam's waist and touched her toes to the ground. Sam kissed her forehead, and then gently pried her arms away from his neck. With his shoulders squared and his chin held high, Sam climbed into the Impala next to his brother, and they were gone.  
  
On shaky legs and with tear filled eyes, Lexi made her way back to the Crown Vic and watched the stars in the sky. She knew when the stars were gone, the Sam she knew would be too.  
  
Now, Lexi looks down on the Sam with his head in her lap. The broken and grieving Sam with the lifeless eyes, staring up at those stars.  

In another life, he did this all alone. In another life, he doesn't know Dean comes back. In another life it all goes to hell, but not in this one: Lexi refuses to let it.

She gently runs her fingers through Sam's brown hair and brings her eyes back up to the stars. They don't look the same as they did that night. Somehow the stars look different, they look almost sad.

*//*  
  
The night sky above him, Lexi's lap below him, and her gentle touches go unnoticed to Sam, all he can think about is his brother.  

Images of the invisible Hellhound plague his mind. It pulling Dean from the table as unseen claws ripped his thighs and his chest to ribbons. Blood, tendons, veins and muscles, all slashed and bleeding, arteries spurting as Dean's heart raced frantically. Dean had writhed and rolled around on the floor, trying in vain to escape the Hellhound's razor sharp claws, all while Sam was left pinned helplessly against the wall, forced to watch it all. Dean's screams of agony and pain were still echoing in Sam's head, the wails of fear and terror so loud, and then so quickly, Dean fell silent.  
  
Lilith had tried to kill Sam with a blinding white light, but it did nothing, surprising both him and Lilith. Lilith had smoked out of Ruby's meat suit before he could do anything but raise Ruby's knife, the empty and dead body collapsed on the floor next to his brother. Sam had gotten away from Lilith, unscathed, but his brother, his big brother, was a different story.    
  
Dean's body lay so still on the hardwood floor as Sam tearfully made his way to his brother's side. Crouching down, he was in complete denial that Dean was really gone. For his entire life he looked up to Dean, thought Dean was invincible that Dean could do anything, but it was obvious that Dean was gone. His green eyes blank, empty, hollow, _dead._ There were so many things he wanted to say to Dean, hundreds of unsaid _thank you_ s andthousands of unsaid _I'm sorry_ s, but all he could manage was a simple tear-filled, "Dean."  
  
Sam tries to focus on Lexi's words from the first night he met her.

 _It's not forever. Months to you, years to him, but he comes back, I promise_.

He repeats her words in his head over and over again, but the thought of Dean being in hell, constant torture and torment, Sam can't bear the thought. He forces himself to look up at the stars, forces himself to recite as many of their names in his mind as he can remember and he does, but he does it with Dean's screams echoing in his mind.  
  
Lexi silently looks down on Sam, she's never seen him like this before. He's not crying anymore, but the tears still fall down his cheeks as he stares blankly up at the sky.

She wills herself to ignore the soreness of her body, the stiffness of her back as she leans up against the unforgiving metal body of the Impala. Inside her, she can feel the grace hard at work mending and stitching her wounds. She's convinced her leg is no longer broken, but her back is screaming obscenities at her. Shifting carefully, Lexi tries not to disturb Sam, while his head is still lying in her lap, but a small groan slips from her lips before she can bite it back, and Sam takes notice.  
  
He sits up from her lap and looks at Lexi's face; it's dark, dirty, bloody and tear stained, but not dirty like his own. Sam's face is dirty from digging in the dirt, bloody from carrying Dean from that hardwood floor, into the Impala and into his grave, but Lexi's is dark from bruises, and bloody from her own wounds. One eye is almost swollen shut, bottom lip busted up, cuts in both eyebrows and peppered all over her face, neck and hands. 

 _How could I have missed this,_ Sam thinks to himself.

When he slammed the trunk closed and saw Lexi, he thought she was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. In his grief over Dean and his relief in seeing Lexi, he didn't even notice how badly injured she really was. She's been gone for a month, with Lilith, of course she's battered and bruised, of course she is.    
  
Wordlessly, Sam pushes himself up off the ground, ignoring Lexi's protests and assurances that she's fine. He knows she's not. She might not need to go to the hospital but she's not fine, neither of them are.  
  
-  
  
Sam's driven the Impala before; when Dean needed to sleep, if Dean was hurt or if Dean was trying to get Sam out of a pissy mood, he'd always ask, "Sammy, you wanna drive?" But now Sam's standing at the driver's side door and he can't make himself get inside.

This is Dean's car, Dean's spot, the leather seats were practically contoured to him.    
  
Sam's eyes shift from the chrome door handle up to Lexi, already in the passenger seat, and she nods to him, but he can't make himself move.

Lexi waits a moment and then opens her door, the squeaking sound it makes is so familiar to Sam, that's the sound _his_ door makes, Dean's door makes a sound all it's own. She walks around the back of the Impala and stops by Sam's side, taking his right hand in her own, holding it for just a moment. She wipes a tear away before it falls down her cheek and then does something Sam never expected. It's just a little gesture, full of love, kindness and comfort.  
  
She brings his hand up to her lips and kisses the pale pink scar on the palm of his hand. It's just a gentle kiss, a simple demonstration of her love for him, and when she pulls her lips away, with the pad of her thumb, she makes a small circle over the scar, so soft he barely feels it, and then she moves his hand, still in hers, to the door handle. Sam's reluctant to grip it, but Lexi gives him a reassuring look and he holds tight to the door handle, while Dean's last words come to life in his mind: _You keep fighting. You keep fighting to get to that future Lex keeps going on about. You find her and you keep her safe._   

This is exactly what Dean wanted.


	18. Chapter 18

Typically, the Winchester criteria for picking a place to sleep begins with price. Never having a ton of money, a motel on the outskirts of town, usually right off a highway, is the first choice. The room almost always smelling of mildew, feet, and stale cigarette smoke, among other things they try to think about. The carpet and bedspreads having mystery stains, and the bathrooms more often than not, smelling like urine, or worse.  

The Winchesters don't need much; a place to rest their head, salt, ammo, their trusty 9mm and .45, and a bottle of good ole Hunter's Helper (not necessarily in that order).  
  
The motel that Sam pulls the Impala into that evening is no exception to the Winchester rule; burned out neon lights, signs announcing vacant rooms, pay-per-view, and air conditioning. Just your average run-of-the-mill motel room.  
  
The room at The Patriot is par for the course; same crusty carpeting, same dim lighting, same smells, but neither Lexi nor Sam care.  

Once inside their room, Sam drops the bags on the floor and collapses on the closest bed. Lexi watches him for a minute, and then salts the windows and door, always keeping Sam in the corner of her eye. He looks so small with his shoulders hunched and sagging, his elbows resting on his thighs as he rubs his face with his hands.  

She doesn't know what to say or what to do. Usually when one comforts someone they love in their time of grieving, they would say things like, _it's going to be okay, they're in a better place,_ or _, it'll get better,_ but none of those things apply here. Not in this situation.

Lexi takes a step toward Sam and reaches out her hand to tuck a stray piece of hair around Sam's ear, but he jumps up off the bed and moves around her in an instant. He doesn't look at her, he doesn't touch her, he just digs in a bag, pulls out a bottle of whiskey, sits down at the cheap kitchenette table and chairs, and takes a pull from the bottle.    
  
Knowing there's nothing she can say that will be helpful right now, knowing that there's nothing she can contribute to the ease Sam's pain, Lexi grabs the bag that she recognizes as hers and says softly, "I'm going to go shower."  
  
Sam takes another pull from the bottle, not even wincing at the burn and looks past Lexi, like she's not in the room.  
  
"Sam?" She asks hesitantly.  
  
He doesn't answer, but his grip on the shoulders of the bottle tightens slightly as he takes another long swig.  
  
She lets out a small sigh and makes her way into the bathroom.  
  
Sam doesn't normally drink, not like this. Maybe a couple beers with Dean in celebration of a job well done after a hunt, or to pass the time in a dive bar while Dean hits on the waitress, but never like this. Sam just wants to feel something other than the cold pit in his belly, the empty ache in his heart, and the hauntingly vacant space by his side. The contents of the bottle are making his throat and belly warm, but it's doing nothing to ease the ache and the emptiness that threatens to swallow him whole.  
  
Lexi's words are just a whisper to his ears, amongst the screams inside his head, but it's the little sigh that snaps him out of his thoughts just for a second. He knows that it's not an impatient sigh or an annoyed sigh, it's this helpless little sound and it resonates deep inside Sam.

Out of the corner of his eye he watches Lexi turn her sore body and walk across the room, into the bathroom. The click of the door handle is loud in the stillness of the room, the room that's lacking the eldest Winchester.  
  
When Sam hears the shower turn on, he sets the bottle down and slowly makes his way to the bathroom. The door isn't locked, and he opens it just a crack to see inside. Lexi's already in the shower, and he can hear small sobs coming from behind the almost sheer, off-white curtain, through the water spraying weakly through the shower head.  
  
"Lexi?" Sam asks softly, so he doesn't startle her.  
  
Lexi clears her throat and answers in a strained voice. "I'll be out in a minute."  
  
He can see her form through the thin shower curtain, and she's not standing up. It's obvious that she's sitting in the tub with her knees up to her chest, and even though her cries are barely a whisper, he can still hear them.  

He shrugs off his jacket and shirts, pushes his boxers and filthy jeans to the floor and slowly slides the shower curtain open. He steps into the shower between Lexi and the shower head, and there's not much room in the tub, not enough by a long shot, but he crouches down so he's sitting in the tub, facing her. The water is ice cold, as is the cheap plastic bottom of the tub, and the attached drain stopper is digging into his butt cheek, but he ignores it.  

Reaching for Lexi, he pulls her into his lap and reaches behind himself to adjust the water. "It's freezing," Sam says with chattering teeth.  
  
Shrugging her shoulders, Lexi doesn't say anything. She can't feel the cold water, all she feels is the ache, the exhaustion. Every part of her body aches, but nothing aches more than her heart. She couldn't save Dean, it's all happening. Dean will break the first seal in Hell, and then it will all happen the same way.

The night of the fire flashes in her mind. The hot flames and the sound of her screaming daughters burning alive, echo in her thoughts, and she chokes down a sob.

Sam pulls Lexi closer to his chest and opens his mouth to speak, but Lexi beats him to it, "I'm so sorry. I tried, Sam. I swear I did. I didn't want this! It wasn't supposed to happen-they told me I could fix--they PROMISED! Sam, they promised and now..." Lexi's words come out riddled with sobs, frantic with grief, remorse, and panic.    
  
Sam doesn't know the things Lexi's been through, the real reasons she's come back. He only knows what Lexi's told him, and those have all been watered down Disney versions of how things actually happened. What he doesn't know is that she has this irrational fear that if she says the real story of what happened _that_ night aloud, if the real events are whispered in this time line, the Fates will hear, and it'll come to pass.  
  
"You don't have to apologize. There's nothing for you to be sorry for. You didn't do this." Sam tilts her chin up so she's facing him and kisses her. "C'mon, lets get cleaned up and into some fresh clothes."

He stands up, taking Lexi with him and washes her with the tiny bar of motel soap. He's careful with her bruise covered body, no longer a vicious shade of purple and red, but a yellowish green, like the bruises are weeks old. He winces when he notices her arms and torso are covered in burns, the skin blistered in some places, but in others it's charred black. Cuts, gashes, and lacerations cover her body, speckled from her face to her feet. Some look newer than others, but the newest ones look weeks old. It's the grace, slowly healing her from the inside, out.  

He briefly wonders what toll it'll take on Lexi this time.  
  
After they're both clean, dry, and in fresh clothing, Lexi climbs directly into the bed. She's tired, like she was after the vampires, but it's more this time, the grief and guilt weigh heavily on her.  
  
Sam lies in bed with her until she falls asleep, rubbing her back, kissing her shoulders, and smoothing her hair. When she falls asleep, he carefully gets up and reclaims his chair at the table in the corner of their motel room. He picks the bottle back up, clenches it in his hand, and finishes it, then opens another one.  

He watches Lexi sleep in the bed, her fists death gripped around a sheet while soft whimpers fall from her lips, and her body twitches under the blankets; she's dreaming. Sam rubs his face with his hands, smooths his hair, and then stumbles out of the hotel room and into the Impala.

The night is quiet, the only thing to be heard is the almost melodic sounds of the other vehicles driving up and down highway 55. The Impala's engine adding to the bass line as Sam drives off into the night, leaving Lexi behind.  
  
*//*

Summer 2010  
  
It was just an ordinary day. Bobby was out back, selling parts from a '74 Chevelle to some kid, and Lexi was in the front changing the oil on the Scottsdale. She had planned on leaving Bobby's house for awhile, not knowing where she had planned on going, but she just wanted to go.  

Knowing where Sam was, knowing that it was forever, really took a toll on her, and she just needed to breathe. Everything in her room upstairs was packed up in suitcases and boxes. Changing the oil was the last thing on her list, and she was going to leave the next morning.  
  
That afternoon she was bent over gathering the empty quart jugs of oil, something caught her eye. When she looked back up, she noticed a man was walking up Bobby's driveway. She assumed it was just another customer, possibly a friend of the kid buying up the Chevelle, but the assumption didn't sit right with her. The brown hair looked vaguely familiar, and the plaid shirt with the green cargo jacket made her do a double take. It took a minute but Lexi realized it was Sam, or something doing its damnedest to look like Sam.  
  
"BOBBY!!" Lexi screamed, dropping the empty black oil jugs and reaching in her waist band for her gun.

Even though she pointed it at Sam, his strides didn't slow, he didn't even hesitate. His eyes were locked on Lexi, and if anything the gun made him move faster.  
  
Bobby came hustling from the back, shot gun in his hands, and the sound of a truck kicking up dirt and rocks in the distance. He probably gave the kid the parts to the Chevelle, just to get him out of the yard. Bobby knew Lexi didn't yell for him like that if something wasn't the matter. When he made his way to Lexi and saw what she had her gun pointed at, Bobby raised his gun and stepped between Lexi and Sam.  
  
"Go in the house," Bobby said calmly.  
  
Lexi stepped to Bobby's side. "No." Her parents and her uncle were gone, Sam was rotting in Hell and Dean was with Lisa, she wasn't leaving Bobby alone with this _thing_. She was determined to stay, "I'm not--"

  
"Lexi, get your ass inside the house!" Bobby yelled, but his eyes never left the Sam-looking thing in front of him.  
  
Tossing looks between the side of Bobby's head and the creature parading around as Sam, Lexi headed into the house, but only closed the screen door behind herself, her gun still clenched in her fist. She couldn't hear the words exchanged between the two men outside, but she could see them. She had watched carefully as Sam pulled out a silver knife and cut the inside of his forearm, his face never even registering pain. He drained Bobby's entire flask of holy water without so much as flinching, and before Lexi knew it, Bobby pulled Sam into a tight hug. As soon as Lexi's brain caught up to her eyes, her feet flew through the grass just as they had barely a month before, but they skidded to a halt when she reached Bobby's side.  
  
"Sam, it's really you?" she asked, feeling confused and shocked - amongst other emotions.  

Bobby patted Lexi on the shoulder with a smile on his face and offered to get everyone a beer, and he made his way into his house.  
  
"It's me," Sam said with nod of his head. He clasped her hand gently in his own and lightly kissed her just seconds before Bobby came with the beer. "I've gotta talk to Bobby about some stuff," he squeezed her hand softly, "Maybe we can get something to eat later?"

Still in shock that Sam was back, Lexi could only nod her head in agreement. Sam smirked at her response and followed Bobby into the house.  
  
Lexi had stood next to her truck the entire time Sam and Bobby were inside talking. Not that she was waiting for Sam, but because she couldn't figure it out. How did Sam come back? If Sam was back, did that mean Lucifer was back too? And what about Adam and Michael?

Of course, Lexi wasn't supposed to know about those things, Bobby was adamant that Lexi was not to get involved and of course, Dean agreed, but Lexi was smart. At that time, her training came from one of the best, Bobby Singer, and he taught her well. The things she didn't find out on her own, Sam had told her. He knew what it was like to be put on the bench and kept on the sidelines, Sam had told her everything. Even though most of the things she didn't want to know, she knew them, because of Sam.  
  
Later that evening, Lexi let Sam drive the Scottsdale into town. They'd gotten a pizza and some beer and went back to Sam's motel room, figuring it probably wasn't the best idea to talk about angels, demons, hell and the Apocalypse in a pizza parlor. Sam explained that he didn't remember anything, that he just woke up in a field in the pouring rain. He told Lexi of the hunters he'd hooked up with since he'd been back and how he made his way to South Dakota to find Bobby. When Lexi asked about Dean and where he was, Sam looked at her blankly and told her that Dean was still at Lisa's.  

Figuring it wasn't really any of her business, Lexi let it go, but she thought it was odd at the time. From her experience, Sam and Dean pretty much stuck close together.  
  
They spent the evening watching re-runs of Dr. Sexy MD on the ancient TV in the motel room. Sam had his arm wrapped around Lexi's shoulder as they sat on the bed, backs against the wall. Greasy napkins and dry pizza crusts were all that was left behind in the pizza box sitting on the table.

Lexi was sipping on her second beer and Sam was on his fourth when he finally spoke. "You know, there were so many things I wanted to tell you that night."  It was just a whisper as he kissed the side of Lexi's face. There had been a smile on Sam's face, but it never read up to his eyes.  
  
She ignored it and nodded her head, "I know, me too."  
  
Lexi and Sam slept together that night. She could tell that Sam was holding himself back, but he kept his kisses gentle and his touches soft, and when they were wrapped only in sheets and each others arms they had talked about everything. Sam was so sweet and so kind. He listened when she spoke and whispered so softly in her ear that he loved her, which was why her heart was all the more broken when she woke up the next morning.  
  
Sam was gone and he had stolen her truck.  
  
By the time Lexi had hitched a ride to Bobby's house, she'd gone from heart broken to royally pissed.  She didn't understand why Sam would say all those things to her and then just leave or why he'd take her truck. She hadn't known him long, but it wasn't like him. All he would have had to have done was just ask for it, of course she would have given it to him. The Scottsdale was old, but it was well taken care of and trusty.  
  
Bobby had assured her that he would find it by the end of the day, but he didn't.  

When that day turned into a week and then two, and then a month, Lexi grabbed her phone to call Dean.

Bobby took it from her and shook his head, "Sam doesn't want Dean to know," and that's all Bobby had said.  

Of course, Lexi argued that Dean would want to know, but Bobby wouldn't hear of it. Lexi had marched upstairs, shoved the bare essentials in a backpack, and left with out a word.  
  
It took her a week before she called Bobby and apologized for storming out the way she did. He laughed kind-heartedly and told her the argument was forgotten. She vowed not to tell Dean, but warned Bobby that when Dean found out (he was Dean Winchester after all, of course he'd find out) he was going to be pissed, and she wanted it to be known that she was on Dean's side when the time came. Lexi promised to check in once a week and she set off.  
  
She found her truck in an impound lot in podunk Ohio a month later. It had cost her $1900 to get it out, and she texted the last number she had for Sam, letting him know he owed her, but never got a response. Three days later she got a call from Bobby saying that a package was overnight-ed to his house addressed to her. She asked him to open it, and Bobby told her inside was $2000.00 in cash, clearly from Sam.  
  
After that, Lexi had stayed away from Singer Salvage Yard for several months. She joined a band, played bars in the Southern part of the country until one night she got a call from Bobby. Sam was back. Bobby hurriedly explained to her that when Sam came back from hell, he didn't have his soul, but being true to form, the Winchesters made way where there wasn't one. Sam was back and his soul intact.

*//*

Now, when Lexi wakes up and sees that Sam is gone, she immediately peeks through the yellow curtains to see if the Impala is gone too. It is, but she reasons with herself that he probably just went to get breakfast. She digs through the bags on the floor and finds that Sam had packed her a bag; clean clothes, a tooth brush, lotion, her razor and even make up. In the bottom of the bag she finds her gun and the wooden box Sam had given her the night of the ritual, inside is the necklace with a post-it note.  
  
_Lexi,_  
  
_I promise we will find you again_  
_and when we do_  
_you're never taking this off again._  
_I love you._  
  
_Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same._  
  
         - Your Sam.  
  
Smiling at the note in her hand, she clasps the necklace around her neck and looks into the smudgy mirror on the wall at her reflection. She notices that her face is clear of all cuts and bruises, it's then that she realizes she was able to clasp the necklace with her hands. She flexes her fingers in and out of a fist, noting how there's not an ounce of pain. The blisters are gone and healed from her arms, and when she lifts her shirt, the once black and crispy skin looks pink and slightly freckled just like it always did. She's completely healed. She looks at herself in the mirror one more time and then down at the moonstone hanging from her neck.  
  
After she puts on a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt of Sam's, shoes and socks, she tucks the gun in the waistband of her pants. She promised herself that night in the walk-in cooler that she would always keep a gun on her, and she intends to keep good on that promise. As she straightens the bottom of the sweatshirt so it's covering the gun, something on the floor in the pile of bags catches her attention.    
  
It's her guitar case, originally all black canvas, but now covered with vintage band patches; Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin, Jefferson Airplane, Guess Who, The Kinks, Black Sabbath and The Rolling Stones. Her Uncle Mark had given her the Black Sabbath patch and taught her how to play War Pigs after Christmas dinner the day she got the guitar. So began her love of classic rock.  
  
Sitting with legs crossed on the bed, she hums aloud as she tunes the strings. It has been awhile since the guitar was actually played, and it's horribly out of tune. She plays War Pigs first, laughing at her voice, the most non-Ozzy Osbourne voice in the history of the world, but playing the song is tradition. She's been warming up with that song for as long as she remembered.

The tips of her fingers are pink from being out of shape, but she keeps playing random chords, alternating between singing and humming little girlie songs by Stevie Nicks, Joan Baez, and Patsy Cline. By the time she nestles the guitar back in it's case, the digital clock on the nightstand reads 3:47pm, clearly Sam didn't go out for breakfast. She also notices two bottles of whiskey in the little gray trash can, thinking Sam must have finished them while she was sleeping. She winces a little bit. She's almost forgotten that even though Dean is coming back, Sam lost his brother. Sam knows where Dean is and what he's going through. She needs to find Sam.  
  
She knows better than to use the motel phone to call anyone, not only does it cost a fortune, but using the phone would leave a trail, and trails are never good. She also knows that it's normal for the boys to have more than one cell phone, so she digs in the bags on the floor.  

In Sam's bag she finds Ruby's knife and sets it aside, but no extra phones, so she digs in the weapons bag where she finds an ammo box that has three phones inside. Only one is charged, and she calls Sam.  
  
As it rings, holding the phone between her shoulder and her ear, she digs through the bags again looking for any cash, she knows it's a long shot, but she's starving. Just as Sam's voicemail picks up, Lexi sees it.

She snaps the phone shut and throws it to the bed, not leaving a message. In one hand she has Ruby's knife, but on the chipped particle board motel dress is her own version of Ruby's knife. Lexi knows Sam's been with Ruby.  
  
Frantically she calls Sam again and gets his voicemail. "I swear to God, Winchester! If you--"  
  
_Beep, beep._ Call waiting and the ID says it's Jimmy Page. "Sam? Where are you? Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry. I'll be there in just a bit. Are you okay? You called and then hung up before I could get to the phone, you didn't leave a voicemail."  
  
"Sorry, I dropped the phone. Where have you--" Lexi hears the Impala pull up to the hotel. She opens the door and watches him get out, flipping his phone closed.  
  
Once inside the motel room, Sam hands her a paper cup of coffee and a clear plastic container with a chicken salad croissant inside. "You hungry?" He asks, leaning in to kiss Lexi on the forehead, but she pulls away.  
  
"Sam, where were you?" She asks softly. "There are demons that are going to come after you, Lilith's demons. It's not safe, she'll find you!"  
  
"Who? You mean Ruby? Lexi, she already found me, this morning."

Sam looks away from Lexi, he remembers what she said to him before about what Ruby does to him and why he has to stay away from her. He knows she knows Ruby was there the night Dean died. He saw the two knives on the bed, he knows she knows.

"But I ditched her on the side of the road, I told her I didn't want anything to do with her. I promised you, I promised Dean. It's not going to happen."  
  
Lexi backs away from Sam and sits down on the bed, "You have no idea, Sam. You can't...you have to stay away from Ruby. She's going to try to come to you again." She jumps up from the bed and digs in her bag. "Where is it? Where John's journal?"  
  
"They're in my bag, what do you need?"  
  
She finds both copies of John Winchester's journal, and she chooses the thicker version. "Did you by chance pack anything from the cabin, from the pantry?"  
  
"Yeah, me and Dean packed it all up, it's in the trunk."  
  
"Go get it." She doesn't even look up from the pages of the journal, she's looking for a spell.  
  
"What are you--" Sam starts to ask.  
  
"GET IT!"  
  
In just a couple minutes, Sam's back with two huge army green weapons bags.

That day after the demons took Lexi, he and Dean shoved everything in Lexi's pantry into the bags. Jars of powders, jugs of various oils and shining liquids, bags of dried animal parts, herbs and small metal charms; they'd packed it all up.  
  
"What are you doing, what do you need?" He has no idea what she's doing. All the things in the bags look like ingredients for a spell, they look like things he and Dean had seen in the homes of the disgusting witches. Lexi had said before that she used a spell to come back here. "Are you a witch?"  
  
Lexi laughs, she actually laughs, and she can't remember the last time she laughed like that, "No, Sam. Not a witch, we've all just picked up things a long the way. You happened to be the one who wrote this spell in the journal," and she shows him the page.  
  
Sure enough, he recognizes the hand writing as his, and he reads the ingredients list aloud, "Chicken's feet, hemp, lavender, goofer dust, an unbroken spider egg? This looks like witchcraft, Lexi, what's it for?"  
  
"It is witchcraft. Hex bags. They'll hide us from demons. They'll hide us from Ruby." Lexi rips two small squares from faded cloth and digs in the weapons bags. She's got a plethora of goofer dust, she easily finds a pale purple sachet of dried lavender, the chicken's feet are in a jar, as is the hemp, but it's the spider eggs she knows she doesn't have, she looks anyway.  
  
"What're you missing?"  
  
"The god dammed spider eggs, son of a bitch!"

Lexi stands up from the floor, jumps over the bags and the scattered ingredients, making her way out the door. Sam follows her as she looks in the broken siding of the motel, behind the bench with the peeling school bus yellow paint, and behind the ancient ice machine. Sam realizes what she's doing and looks around all the room's door frames.

It's on the last one that he finds a tiny fuzzy whiteish gray nest, carefully hidden behind the rotting wooden door frame. With his pocket knife, he carefully cuts the small soft nest from it's protective chink in the wall. It's small, barely the size a pencil eraser.

"Found something."  
  
Lexi hustles to Sam's side and looks at the white little on his blade. "This is good, Sam. This'll work. I need two eggs, just two."  
  
Sam wrinkles his nose, but sets the nest down on the bright yellow bench and cuts it open. The eggs are tiny and pale, and Sam nudges two of them onto the blade of his knife with a piece of chipped paint.  He pushes the knife out toward Lexi, meaning for her to take it.  
  
She lifts her eyebrows and shakes her head, "Yeah, I don't do spiders." She eyes the pocket knife suspiciously, "You don't think they're gonna hatch now, do you?"  
  
Shaking his head, laughing just a little bit, he says, "Maybe?" He watches Lexi's face turn a little pale and he laughs again, rolling his eyes, "They're not gonna hatch, not with the other herbs. C'mon." Sam nudges her playfully toward their motel room door with his shoulder and kisses her softly.  
  
Inside the motel room, Sam watches intently as Lexi carefully puts the proper amounts of ingredients in the little pieces of soft fabric. She ties them each closed with a small piece of suede cord, tucking one in her pocket and putting the second in the pocket of Sam's jacket.  
  
"That's it?" Sam asks curiously.   _Just a handful of ingredients tied up in a little pouch?_   Sam wishes he and Dean knew that it was that easy to make these little things, it could have come in handy on several occasions.  
  
"That's it."  
  
"Where did you--where did I get this?" He asks, pulling the little pouch from his pocket and looking it over.  
  
Lexi purses her lips, clearly not wanting to tell, but she does. She knows she's been keeping too many secrets. "Ruby taught you."  
  
With raised eyebrows, Sam only nods his head. He keeps quiet, but there are so many questions he wants to ask. So many things he wants to know, but knows Lexi can't tell him.  
  
He wonders what he did the first time around, when he didn't know Dean was going to come back. Actually he knows, he doesn't need to wonder. He knows what he would have done, he would have tried to make a deal; trade his soul for Dean's. He'd do anything to get Dean back, anything. Even though he knows his big brother will be back in just months, he remembers what Lexi said that first night. _It's months to you. Years to him, but I promise you, he comes back._ Even though he knows this, he knows what his brother is going through right now, pure torture. Pure hell. Not figurative hell, _literal_ hell.  
  
Sam wants to ask Lexi about the things Ruby told him earlier in the day. She accused Lexi of keeping things from him. Claiming that if Lexi would have told him Ruby could train him, teach him how to to get a handle on his _psychic-whatever_ , he could have saved Dean.  

Sam had to admit that he thought the same things the night Dean died, but he remembered that Lexi had told him that using his abilities like that, had consequences. He remembered the look of terror she had on her face, how her cheeks had paled despite the crisp Minnesota air that day. She told him that he went to Hell.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU inside of an AU. :)
> 
> Couldn't think of a restaurant name, so I borrowed one from another show. Do you recognize it? :)

The next three weeks are difficult.  Lexi is reluctant to let Sam leave the motel room, but he reminds her that she made the hex bags and that he'll be okay.    
  
At first, he leaves to go get coffee and breakfast, then leaving again for lunch or dinner, even though neither of them have much of an appetite. Lexi can't put her finger on exactly what's happening, but it's almost like Sam's pulling away from her.

He drinks more than usual, there's always a bottle in the motel room and even though Lexi expected this, it's hard to watch. When Sam is actually in the motel room, he sits at the kitchenette table, staring at his hands and taking long drinks from the complimentary plastic cups the motel provides. At first it's difficult because she can feel what Sam is feeling, but now it's like Sam's blocking the bond. Like he doesn't want her to know.  

When Lexi finally gets the courage to ask Sam what's going on, the TV and the lights flicker. Instantly Sam is up from the table, a version of Ruby's knife in his hand.  Lexi does the same, checking the salt lines around the door and windows. There's a bang at the door. Lexi jumps just a little bit, but Sam's hard as stone, he doesn't even flinch.  
  
"C'mon, Sam.  I know you're in there."  
  
It's Ruby.  
  
Sam starts to walk toward the door, but Lexi is faster and steps in front of him.  She whispers, shaking her head, "Sam, don't."  
  
"I know you two love birds are holed up in there. Just let me in, I won't bite. Promise." Ruby's tone almost playful, but Lexi knows better. Lexi knows exactly what Ruby's doing here and what she has planned.  
  
Lexi and Sam stay quiet for another minute, naively hoping she'll go away, but knowing full well she won't. Finally Sam rolls his eyes impatiently and opens the door, the salt line breaks and he doesn't move to fix it.  
  
As soon as Lexi sees Ruby standing there; her long brown hair, dark jeans, black boots and leather jacket, Lexi knows Ruby's chosen a meat suit that was "empty" to appease Sam. This is how it all starts, how Ruby starts to gain Sam's trust. Seeing Ruby standing there with her hands on her hips makes Lexi want to lunge at Ruby, to slit her from navel to nose with her own knife, but knows she doesn't have the strength. Lexi's still not up to par from the night with Lilith's demons, she's still weak.  
  
"Well, hey there, Miss Lexi," Ruby purrs, "I see Lilith didn't tear you apart, limb from limb. You must tell be how you escaped, now that is a trick! I tried to get Sam to tell me, but he's pretty tight lipped about you. Totally rockin' the D when it comes to you. He's mighty protective of his future wife, isn't he?"  
  
Lexi rolls her eyes, "How the fuck did you find us?" She pulls the hex bag from her pocket and tosses it on the table, clearly it's useless.  
  
Ruby walks past Sam, her hand trailing down his shoulder and arm. Lexi clenches the knife in her hand harder, her knuckles going white and Sam shrugs her arm off, but Ruby just smirks at Lexi, taunting her. She rips the suede cord from around the little piece of cloth, spilling the bags contents on the table, "Chicken's feet, lavender... This is my recipe. It'll keep all those other nasty bastards away, 'cept me. I designed it like that. Pretty clever, huh?"  
  
Internally kicking herself, Lexi lets out a sigh. Of course, she should have thought of that.  
  
Sam growls, "What do you want, Ruby?"    
  
"Did you talk to the wifey about what I told you? Did you ask her why she's been keeping things from you? Why she didn't tell you how you could kill Lilith and save dear ol' Dean? She's got all this knowledge of the future, but has she shared any with you?"

Ruby has her back to Sam and tosses Lexi a smirk and a wink, then turns to face Sam with a different face, one of mock-innocence.  
  
"You son of a bitch!" Lexi yells charging Ruby, but with a flick of Ruby's wrist, Lexi is pushed away and stumbles backwards on the bed.  
  
"I'm right, aren't I? You know I am. You know Sam only needed a few weeks with me and he could have stopped it all. Could have saved Dean from rotting in hell, from being ripped and torn to shreds, over and over again for all eternity."  
  
"No!" Lexi yells looking to Sam, "That's not how it is, Sam. I swear it's not a lesson you just learn!" She looks back to Ruby, "There's so much more than you teaching him and you know it! Don't make me the bad guy here, you're the damn demon."  
  
"Yeah, but I'm the _damn demon_ who could have taught Sam how to save his brother. You kept him from that, not me. You hid that little fact from him for MONTHS! Just so some little tragedy doesn't happen in a future, that you might not even get to! Not now, not after you've changed things! Me teaching Sam how to use his powers to kill Lilith is pure fact, you even said so yourself. You said that I taught him how to use his powers and he killed Lilith. You said that yourself and you hid it from Sam."  
  
Listening to Ruby's words, Sam is now looking at Lexi with an accusing glare. His fists are clenched, his eyes dark and his face growing red.  
  
"Sam don't you listen to her! She's twisting everything! I told you all these things right away and I told you what would happen if Ruby helped you, if you killed Lilith. It would start things and you'd go to Hell. I never lied to you, not about that. I told you everything I could. I may have kept things from you, but that was never one of them. You kill Lilith and that's the final seal, it's all over and in the end you go to hell!"  
  
"But if I would have killed Lilith BEFORE the night Dean went to hell, she wouldn't have been around to break seals! If you would have just told me, I could have been with Ruby that whole time we were holed up in your cabin watching Dean play damn Xbox!  We were wasting time, Lexi!  Ruby's right, you should have told me!" Sam's yelling at Lexi, waving the knife around with his words, his eyes livid. "You should have told me!"  
  
Jumping up from the bed and pushing past a grinning Ruby, Lexi rushes to Sam's side. "It's not that easy, Sam. It's not just her teaching you things, it's not something you just learn!"  
  
"Well then what the fuck is it!" Sam roars. "What is so God dammed bad? What could be so bad that I wouldn't do it to save Dean?"  
  
Lexi shakes her head, "Sam, you have to trust me. I can't...you just have to trust me. Please. If you do this, it'll change you forever. If you do this, it's all over."  
  
"It's already over! Dean's in Hell, Lexi." Sam winces at his words, reaching down for his bags, "It's already over." With a sigh, he walks out the door.  
  
"SAM!" Lexi runs to go after him, but Ruby jumps in front of her, pushing her to the floor.  
  
"Sam's mine now." Ruby hisses as she stands over Lexi, "I'll teach him exactly what he needs to know, give him a little _go-juice,_ and he'll never be your-Sam again. You may know my plans, but you can't stop them.  I win, Lexi. You know I do, and now so do I. Sam's _mine_." With one last smirk and her eyes flashing black at Lexi, she spins on her heel and walks out the door, slamming it behind her.  
  
The Impala rumbles to life and Lexi hears it pull out of the motel, leaving Lexi in the motel room, alone.  
  
Again.  
  
*//*  
  
Lexi had been in West Virginia when Bobby had called her that day in December 2011, telling her that Sam was back, that he was really back, soul and all.  She had her bags packed and in the Scottsdale before Bobby had fully explained how Sam had somehow come back from Hell soulless and how Death had fixed him.  
  
"He asked about you," Bobby had said, the smile in his voice coming through the phone clearly.  
  
"I'm on my way, I'll be there as quick as I can," She hit the road, planning on driving straight through, but she had stopped for gas somewhere along I 90, taking a minute to order herself a sandwich and a cup of coffee at the diner across the street.  
  
While eating, she overheard some townies talking about the recent abduction of twenty-one year old, Rebeca Lindy. She'd been the third in the string of missing girls in the county, the other two were never seen again. All three of the victim's cars were found outside an abandoned muffler factory, but the local PD had combed the building and found nothing.

Lexi suspected it was a job.  
  
Having little to no experience with hunting, Lexi called Bobby and told her the situation. She rattled off a couple facts; the vic's ages, how they were abducted and about the muffler factory. Bobby had told her that he knew a hunter in the area and that he'd get someone on it. His instructions were very clear, Lexi was not to investigate or go anywhere near the factory.  
  
After her sandwich and coffee, Lexi was exhausted and decided to get a room. She planned on taking a shower, getting a couple hours of shut-eye and then get the Scottsdale back on the road first thing in the morning.  

That night when she was climbing into bed, the news was playing on the staticy TV in the background. Another girl was taken and her car was found outside the muffler factory, just like the other girls. The FBI had been in town searching the location again, with the local PD, but so far had found nothing. This, of course, piqued Lexi's interest and gave her a second wind. She got dressed, grabbing her salt gun, her 9mm, the flask of holy water she'd gotten from her Uncle Mark and made her way on foot to the factory.  
  
The parking lot was empty, but taped off with yellow police tape. The chain link fence surrounding the factory was padlocked, but Lexi was able to squeeze through the small space. Her heart raced as she searched the abandoned factory, floor by floor. Three hours later, she was about to give up and go home.  

Even though she couldn't find a trace of anyone or anything, Lexi still had a bad feeling deep with in her gut, something was wrong; she knew she shouldn't be there, she knew she was in way over her head. When she made her way back to the side door she used to enter the abandoned building, she heard a door slam behind her.

With her gun raised, Lexi whipped around and the next thing she knew, she found herself on the campus of a college with an armful of Music Theory books, folders and notebooks. The sound of her phone ringing in her pocket made her jump, almost walking into another student, who was wearing a Stanford sweatshirt.  
  
Digging the phone out of her pocket, she flipped it open, "Hello?"  
  
"Lexi, where are you? Babe, we have reservations at Iridium at five tonight. Did you forget?" The man on the other end of the line laughed, she recognized that laugh. It was Sam.  
  
"I-uh..."  Lexi started, but had no idea how to go on.  

How could she have forgotten where she was? How could she have forgotten she was at school at Stanford? With Sam? She knew then something wasn't not right. Something was very wrong.  
  
"Are you okay?  Do you need me to come and get you? You drove to class today, didn't you? I don't see the Mini in front of the house."  
  
"The Mini?"

Lexi would never drive a Mini, no way. She loved her truck. Besides, where would she get the money to buy one of those?  
  
"Uh, yeah. The Mini Cooper your dad bought you just a few months ago?"  
  
"My dad?"  

Both Lexi's parents died years ago, before she even met Sam. Lexi felt dizzy and was very confused,

"Yeah, maybe you should come and get me, I'm not feeling so well.  I'm at..." She looked around her. There had been students lounging in the grass with headphones over their ears, a couple guys tossing around a frisbee and a couple making out on the bench to her left.  
  
"I know where you are, I'll be there in ten minutes.  Love you, babe."  And the line went dead.  
  
Lexi sat down on a bench away from the couple with each others tongues down their throats and rifled through the backpack on her shoulder.  Pens, papers, date planner, guitar picks, blank sheets of staff paper, and an empty coffee mug. No pocket knife, no flask of holy water, no weapons of any kind.   _What the hell?_   Lexi would never go anywhere with out some sort of weapon and the Mini Cooper?  
  
_What. The. Hell._  
  
A pair of arms wrapped around her neck and Lexi jumped up and raised her fists toward her attacker.  
  
"Woah!" Sam laughed as he jumped back, "A lil jumpy today?  Professor Kaufmann get after you again?"  
  
Sam looked the way he always did. Tall, broad shoulders, shaggy hair around his ears, but his usual plaid shirt was replaced with a pale blue collared polo tee shirt and khaki pants, not his usual blue jeans.  
  
"Yeah, long day, I guess. So we have reservations tonight? What's the occasion?"  
  
His forehead crinkled and his brows furrowed, clearly worried, "It's our two year anniversary. We're meeting our parents at Iridium tonight at 7:30. You sure you're okay, you look a little pale?"  
  
Lexi's mouth fell open. Sam's parents? HER parents? In shock she nodded her head and let Sam take her by her hand, leading her to his Prius in the parking lot. He opened the door for her and she hesitantly sat down in the car.  

She noticed an ipod jack in the cigarette lighter, a white ipod rested in the cradle, along with a thick copy of _Statutory Supplement of Commentaries and Cases on the Law of Business Organization,_ amongst other books and papers in the backseat. There wasn't a single gun, knife, or empty shot gun shell to be seen. She rubbed her face with her hand and then ran her fingers through her hair and out a sigh.   _What the hell?_  
  
Not taking notice, Sam got into the driver's seat and started up the Prius, the engine was a tiny hum compared to the comforting rattle of her Scottsdale.  

No matter how many times she and Bobby looked over the Scottsdale, they couldn't find the source of the rattle.  Bobby had once said, "She just likes to make noise, I guess."  
  
It was a forty five minute drive and then Sam had parked the car in front of a house. It had been little white one story, with navy blue shutters and flowers that lined the sidewalk up to the deck, complete with two patio chairs, a patio table and a BBQ'r. Lexi pictured an apartment, maybe a duplex, not an actual house. She just stared at it through the window.  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'll call Pablo to come mow the lawn tomorrow, or the yard police will be on our asses in a couple days if the grass gets too long," Sam shrugged, "I guess it's the price you pay for owning a house in the good part of town."  
  
Her mouth fell open again, it also went unnoticed to Sam as he exited the car and walked around the front.  He opened her door for her and took her by the hand again he led her up the flower lined sidewalk and inside the house. The first thing she saw were two graduation robes in clear plastic laundry bags that rested on the beige couch. She looked at them and blinked profusely, in an attempt to process.  
  
"I know, it's crazy, huh?  We're graduating next week!  We finally did it, Lexi!" Sam slid the strap of her backpack off her shoulder and tossed it into a leather recliner and pulled her into a kiss.  "I couldn't have done it with out you."  
  
Lexi let herself fall into the kiss. _She was graduating from Stanford? She was living with Sam in a house they apparently owned together? Did Stanford even have a music program?_   Of course she wanted to be with Sam, of course she did, but it was all like a dream, it was surreal, but she let herself fall into it. She let herself forget the strangeness because it all felt so amazing, so perfect, so right.  
  
The phone rang in the distance and Sam kissed her one more time before he walked out of the living room to find it. Lexi looked around the house, her house, her and Sam's house.

One whole wall was filled with books. Rows of law books, rows of music books, science fiction, even classics like Dickens, Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Conan Doyle, Dumas, Hardy and Hawthorne, but was something just to her left that caught her eye; the shiny black Steinway that sat in the corner.  
  
She'd always dreamed of having a Steinway, ever since she was a little girl. She sat down on the matching piano bench and carefully ran her fingers over the white keys. On the ledge above the keys were pages upon pages of hand written music with little handwritten notes in the margins, all the handwriting she recognized as hers. She also noticed several guitars hanging on the wall, a saxophone, a flute, a trumpet, trombone, and a shiny french horn. She stood up from the bench, and ran her fingers over the slide of the trombone, jumping again when Sam came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her cheek.  
  
"You're going to make one hell of a music teacher. You've worked so hard for this, _we've_ worked so hard for this and it's finally happening."

He kissed her again, nuzzled her neck and kissed the sensitive spot behind her ear. When she let a small moan escape from her mouth, Sam pulled away with a small smirk on his face, "You want a glass of wine before we get ready?"

Her head was spinning, her heart raced, and lips burned from Sam's kisses, but she nodded her head and followed Sam into the kitchen. He pulled a bottle of white wine from the fridge and took two glasses from the cupboard, pouring them each a glass. He handed one to Lexi and clinked it with his own.  
  
"To us." He said with a sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face. Lexi returned the smile and took a sip, it was delicious, she'd never had wine that tasted that good before. At least she thought she hadn't. It was all so confusing.  
  
On a shelf in the dining room, just to the side of the kitchen, she noticed a picture of Sam and Dean, each holding a fish in their hands. Huge smiles on their faces, each had an arm around each others shoulders. Lexi took her wine and walked over to the picture, taking it from his place on the shelf, she touched the glass. Sam followed her.  
  
"I know," he whispered with sad voice, "It seems like just yesterday, huh?"  
  
Puzzled, she looked up at Sam, "What seems like yesterday?"  
  
"Dean, the accident, you know..."  Sam looked away from Lexi, his eyes were glassy with tears he refused to let fall.  
  
"What accident, what happened? What got him?" Lexi started to panic, what creature could have gotten _The_ Dean Winchester?  
  
"What got him?" Sam asked, confused, "Nothing got him, Lexi.  It was a motorcycle accident, a year ago now. Are you alright?"  
  
_A motorcycle accident?_ "Yeah, I'm fine.  Just...just got confused for a second. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about Dean, Sam." She set her glass down and pulled Sam into a hug.  "I'm so sorry."  
  
Sam pulled her close and sniffed just a little bit. "Yeah. I still can't believe he's gone. I wish like hell he was with us tonight. He loved you so much." Lexi nodded her head against Sam's chest and rubbed his back with her hands, she hugged him for as long as he needed it.  
  
He pulled away slightly, kissed her forehead and looked at the clock, "We gotta be at the restaurant in a couple hours. Better get ready."  Sam's tears were gone and replaced with a huge grin. It was clear he was excited about that evening and Lexi wondered why.  
  
She followed him into the bathroom that led to their bedroom. On the bed was a pair of men's black slacks, a dark navy button up men's dress shirt, next to a gorgeous burgundy dress, clearly intended for her. She reached down to touch the soft fabric and ran her fingers over the black Jimmy Choos sitting next to the dress. There was also a silver necklace with a tiny floating diamond, and a pair of diamond stud earrings. She'd never owned any diamonds before, but it was the Jimmy Choos that caught her attention. She'd definitely never owned a pair of heels before, she usually preferred her black boots or the occasional pair of sneakers.  
  
"I picked everything out," Sam's words interrupted Lexi's thoughts, "Do the shoes match? You've got nine hundred pairs of those things in the closet and I swear they all look the same, but I thought these ones looked best. I figured since Dean bought you the necklace last year for your birthday and my mom and dad gave you the earrings last Christmas--"  
  
"They're perfect, Sam. Thank you. It's all perfect." She looked around their bedroom, the oak dresser, a chair with thick hard cover books stacked on it's cushion and then back up to Sam, who was pulling his shirt over his head and shrugging on the navy button up shirt and pulling on his slacks.  
  
"Pick out my tie?" Sam asked with a grin as he motioned to the closet.  
  
She opened the door and saw a silver colored rack with dozens of ties hanging over it, several belts hanging below the ties. Her eyes shifted to the walls of clothes hanging on wooden hangers, Sam's clothes were on the left, hers on the right, but the back wall was covered with little cubbies, all filled with various types of shoes. Mostly heels, some flats, and some with thick wedge heels. Sam was right, she had at least nine hundred pairs and there was only a few open spaces with no shoes in them. She looked back on the rack of ties and picked out a black, silver, and blue one and before she could hand it to Sam, she felt his arms wrap around her waist, pulling her close to him. She didn't jump that time.  
  
He whispered, "You know there are still a few open spaces in that shelf I built you. Maybe you should take my mom and your mom shopping? Solve the empty space problem?" Sam moved her hair from her neck and planted a kiss and then another, and then another, finally placing a soft one on the spot right behind her ear. When Lexi let another out a small moan Sam pulled away letting out a little chuckle, "That'll have to wait until we get back." He gently spun Lexi around, "Tie my tie?"  
  
Lexi couldn't help but smile as she tied the tie perfectly around Sam's neck and straightened his collar. He looked down on himself and then to Lexi with an approving smile. He reached for the hem of Lexi's shirt and pulled it over her head.  
  
"How did I get so lucky to be with you?" Sam kissed her again.  
  
Lexi blushed, "I literally have no idea."

And she really didn't.

-  
  
Later they were at Iridium and the server whisked them to a round table for six. Two bottles of champagne sat chilling in standing ice buckets next to the table. Sam pulled Lexi's chair out for her and she smoothed the back of her dress before she sat down. The hum of the hushed voices of the other customers was pleasant, as was the gentle glow coming from the two candles on the table, the flame cast twinkling lights against it's glass holder and onto the black table cloth.  
  
"They should be here soon, we're a little early. Their flight just came in this afternoon and that was my dad on the phone, calling for directions to the restaurant. I swear, that man could get lost in his own house.  He and my mom don't leave Lawrence all that often."  
  
Lexi had never met John Winchester before, only heard about him from Uncle Mark, Bobby, Sam and Dean and read pages in his journal, but from what she'd heard about him, John Winchester drove all over the country with Sam and Dean. Certainly he didn't need a map and certainly he could find him way around. Having heard that the John Winchester could get lost in his own house, was one of the many strange things that was happening to Lexi.  
  
She was pulled out of her head when Sam stood up from his chair. Not knowing why, she stood up with him and the person she saw made her freeze.  
  
"Mom?" Lexi blurted out with a sob of disbelief.  
  
"Lexi, of course it's me! I know it's been months since we've seen you and Sam, but certainly that's not long enough for you to forget your mom?"

Her mom, Elizabeth Garrison, pulled her into a hug and when she let go, Lexi looked her over with huge eyes and took in a sight that she was convinced she hadn't seen in years. It was like looking into a mirror, she was an exact image of her mother. Her mother was standing in front of her in a black dress and a dark green shawl wrapped around her shoulders, she looked beautiful.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sam talking to someone, Lexi used everything she had to pull her eyes from her mother, to look on the other guest at the table. It was her father.  
  
"Daddy?"  She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face when she saw Anthony Garrison standing before her in a suit and tie.  
  
"Hey, Sas." Her father said with a smile as he used Lexi's childhood nickname.  "Don't cry, sweetheart." When he pulled Lexi into a hug, she breathed in his scent. It was the same as she remembered, he smelled just like fresh wood chips and evergreen trees.  
  
Just as the four of them took their seats, John and Mary Winchester were escorted to the table. John shook his son's hand, pulling him into a hug and then moving to Lexi, pulling her into a hug too.  
  
"Hey Lex, so good to see you. Sorry we're late." John said with a friendly wink, making his way over to Lexi's parents.  
  
Mary pulled Lexi into a hug after having done the same with Sam, "We would have been here sooner, but you know John. Always getting lost and refusing to stop and ask for directions." She laughed as she took her seat next to John.  
  
Lexi couldn't stop staring at Mary. Of course she'd never met Mary before, but Mary was beautiful, more beautiful than the faded picture she remembered seeing in Sam's wallet. She looked from John to Mary. Lexi could see Sam in John and Dean in Mary, especially around the eyes. She felt a little nag at her heart when she remembered Sam telling her Dean died in a motorcycle accident, she absentmindedly reached for the necklace around her neck.  
  
The six of them told the server what they'd wanted to eat and then John piped up, "So what's the big announcement? You two have been keeping us all in suspense for weeks now.  C'mon son," he said as he put his hand on Sam's shoulder, "Put us out of our misery!"  
  
Sam looked to Lexi and whispered, "Do you want to tell them, or should I?"  
  
She had no idea what Sam was talking about, so she whispered back with a smile, "You tell them."  Lexi was just as eager to know as their parents.  
  
Standing from his chair, passing around glasses of champagne and pulling Lexi with him, Sam said, "We invited you here to tell you some really great news. Not only are Lexi and I graduating in just a week, but..." Sam stopped speaking and looked down at Lexi, his smile wide.  He didn't say anything else, he just raised Lexi's hand and showed it to everybody.  
  
Mary and Elizabeth stood up from the table, hugged each other and squealed in delight. John and Anthony stood up, and shook each others hands and then Sam's as well. The overjoyed mothers made their way to Lexi's side.  
  
"Let us get another look at that!" Lexi's mom demanded with a huge smile.  
  
"Get a look at what?" Lexi mumbled, her head spinning from all the excitement. She was very confused, but that was all gone when she saw the platinum diamond ring on the fourth finger of her left hand. _Me and Sam are engaged?_  
  
Sam reached for her free hand and pulled her close to him, whispering in her ear, "I love you so much."  
  
After many congratulations and dozens of questions about when and where Lexi would like to have the wedding, the server arrived with their food. The conversation shifted from Vera Wang and roses versus lilies to what the Winchesters and the Garrisons had planned over the next week; what sights they were going to take in, the drive they planned to take to the beach, and a couple of the restaurants they wanted to try.  Mary and Elizabeth planned to do a little shopping and insisted that Lexi join them, while John, Anthony and Sam made plans to go golfing and sailing.  
  
When dessert came, Lexi was thankful for the lull in the conversation.  She ordered herself a piece of blackberry cheese cake, but didn't touch it. She just stared down at her hand and the ring on her finger. She wondered how she never noticed it before. She spun it round and round on her finger. Still having the smile on his face, Sam rested his arm on the back of Lexi's chair and she leaned into him, resting her head momentarily on his shoulder. She decided to test the words out and whispered, "I love you," to Sam. He kissed her softly and replied that he loved her too.  
  
When the server came back with the bill, she set it in front of Sam and he reached into his pocket for his wallet, but John was quick and took the black book in his hand, "My treat," he smiled up at Sam and Lexi.

John pulled a credit card from his wallet and slid it into the black book. After the server came to the table to settle the bill, John put his hand on Sam's shoulder, giving it a squeeze and a firm fatherly pat, "I'm proud of you, son."  
  
Lexi and Sam said their goodbyes to their parents and soon the two of them were at home.  

Sam lit some candles and turned on some soft music in the background. They sat on the couch and Sam rubbed Lexi's sore feet. Her toes were red, skin crinkled and blisters started to form on her heels. The TV was muted in the distance, images from a re-run of I Dream of Jeanie silently flickered on the screen, Lexi hardly noticed. She shifted her glance from Sam's hands that rubbed her feet and up to Sam's face. He was looking at her with complete love and adoration. She moved her feet to the floor and leaned over to put her head in Sam's lap.  
  
"Dinner was really great, Sam." She smiled up at him and decided again to test out saying certain things, "It was really great to see your parents and my parents. It's just nice to see them...together, ya'know?"  
  
Nodding his head, Sam pulled Lexi into his lap and kissed her. His hand pulled the zipper down her back and slid the thin straps down her shoulders and pushed the front of her dress down, kissing the newly exposed skin. When he pulled away, he wrapped her arms around his neck and stood up from the couch, putting his arm under her knees. He carried her from the living room, into the bathroom and into their bedroom.

Gently, he set her down on the bed, moving her up to the pillows, resuming his kisses on her neck, chest and the cups of her black lace strapless bra. He pulled her dress down her legs and tossed it on the floor.  
  
With hesitant fingers, Lexi reached up to Sam's tie, loosening it and pulling it over his head and then pulled his shirt out of the waistband of his pants. Sam quickly unbuttoned the top three buttons and pulled it over his head and then his hands worked his belt, zipper and button open. Lexi finished by pushing the black slacks and boxer briefs down to the floor. Sam eased Lexi back on the bed, kissing her stomach and then down to her black lace panties.  
  
"Tonight was perfect, Sam. Thank you." She murmured.  
  
"You're perfect." He groaned as he rolled her black thigh high stockings down her legs, one at a time.  

Lexi smiled up at Sam when she saw his grin and dimples illuminated from the light in the bathroom. She briefly wondered how everything was all happening; her and Sam at Stanford and their parents alive, but all those thoughts are pushed away when Sam pulled her panties down her legs and off her feet. All questions faded away at the mere touch of Sam's mouth.  
  
Later, Sam was asleep in the bed next to her. Lexi got up from the bed and looked around the house. She ended up in the dining room, her eyes stopped when she saw laptop sitting on the table. She sat down and searched for Dean's obituary, which she quickly found it and read it over tearfully. She searched her hometown's website for her parents' obituary, but didn't find it. She also searched for a handful of the hunts she knew her uncle, Bobby, Sam and Dean went on, the people the saved and the people they didn't. She didn't find anything.  
  
She rested her head in her hands and forced herself to remember the fuzzy details from before she realized she was on Stanford's campus. It was difficult, but when it finally came back, it came back full force.

She frantically searched for Rebeca Lindy and the three other girls that disappeared from that little town, she didn't find anything, but she did find a small article about the muffler factory closing down. She slammed the laptop closed and searched in every cupboard and every closet, looking for some sort of weapon; a gun, a knife, but there was none to be found. As a last resort, she pulled a knife from the butcher block on the counter. She wandered back into the living room and grabbed the backpack she remembered Sam tossed in the leather recliner. She dumped its contents on the floor and spotted a sweat shirt of Sam's on the back of the chair. She wrapped the knife in the sweat shirt and shoved it in her bag. Now she needed a change of clothes.  
  
She tiptoed back into her bedroom, a room that she didn't recognize at all. Sam was sprawled out on the bed on his belly, face smashed into the pillow as he snored quietly. Walking around the bed, she sneaked into the closet and looked for something to wear, but all she found were dress slacks, dresses and skirts; the wall of stiletto shoes and designer handbags were of no use to her. Then, hidden in the back of the closet, she located a pair of blue jeans and a pair of running shoes.  
  
"Finally," she whispered, wincing as she heard Sam grunt and roll over on the bed.  

She held her breath until she heard his breathing turn slow and steady. Silently she pulled on the blue jeans and running shoes. She grabbed a tee shirt off of one of Sam's shelves and pulled it over her head, tucking the extra length into the waist band of the jeans. 

On quiet feet she made her way out of the closet and past Sam, who was sleeping on his back. She paused for just a second and looked at Sam, but tore her eyes away and made her way through the bathroom and into the main living space. She intended to make her way back to the leather recliner in the dark, but Lexi walked right into the piano, she almost tripped and fell on to the piano bench. She pressed her hand down to stop her fall, but she'd forgotten to close the lid of the piano and the lower register keys sounded loudly into the silence of the house.  
  
"Shit," she muttered under her breath.  
  
Sure enough, Sam stumbled out of the bathroom and to her side. "Lexi, what are you doing?" His voice was rough from sleep.  
  
Trying to think of an excuse, she bought time by walking away from her piano and to the recliner. She slung the backpack over her shoulder. "I forgot a book on campus," she lied.  "Go back to sleep, Sam. I didn't mean to wake you."  
  
"Just wait a sec, let me get some pants. It's late, I'll come with you."  
  
"NO!" Lexi yelled, wincing just a little bit. "No," she corrected her tone, "I'll be right back."  

When she looked up Sam was gone, clearly having gone back into the bedroom for pants. She debated leaving right then, but Sam was back, buttoning his pants. He'd already put a gray Stanford tee shirt on and he pulled a zip-up hoodie up his arms and zipped it.  
  
"Okay, let's go."  
  
Lexi rushed out of the house and down the flower lined side walk. She was at the driver's side door of Sam's car before Sam even locked the door. He walked down the sidewalk eying her suspiciously, but kept quiet. Once he got to the car, he tossed his key ring over the top of the Prius, and she unlocked the door and slid into the driver's seat. The fancy bells and whistles of the new car momentarily confused her, but it just took a second for her to figure it out. Lightly squealing the tires, she drove the Prius from it's parking spot and onto the road.  
  
When she passed Stanford, merging onto the freeway, Sam looked at her confused. "I thought you said you had to go to campus?"  
  
Lexi ignored his question and put a question of her own to Sam. "Have we ever been hunting before?"  
  
"Uh, you have, but I haven't. I've never even touched a gun before."  
  
"I have?" She asked, curious.  
  
"Yeah, you go deer hunting with your dad and uncle every year. Lexi, what's wrong?"  
  
"What's wrong? What's wrong? Everything! The house, the cars, college, Dean, your parents, my parents, you! How the hell are we engaged? This is wrong, Sam. It's all wrong."  
  
"Lexi, pull the car over. I'm driving you to the hospital."  
  
She ignored him and pressed the accelerator further to the floor. She took her eyes from the road and looked at Sam. "What kidnaps people and puts them in an alternate reality? What kind of thing has that kind of juice? I know I've read about it, in one of Bobby's dusty old books. It's right on the tip of my tongue, Sam. I just can't..." and then it came to her. "A djinn, Sam! It's a djinn! That's what I was hunting and when I was in the warehouse--"  
  
"LOOK OUT!" Sam yelled.  
  
Flicking her eyes back to the road, all Lexi saw was the side of a bridge. She heard the crunch of metal, the shatter of glass and then nothing.  
  
When she woke up, Sam was helping her up from a cold cement floor. Her mom, dad, Mary, John and Sam were standing around her in a circle.  
  
"Lexi, stay here with me," Sam whispered as he cradled Lexi's face in his hands. "Live this life here with me. It's safe here, there's no demons, monsters or ghosts, not in here. You're safe here. No Apocalypse, no hell, no impending doom. Marry me, let's have babies, watch them grow up, and have babies of their own. We can have a happy life here, you and me. Your parents are here, my parents are here. Please, stay with me."  
  
Lexi looked around the room at her mother and then to her father. Both Mary and John smiled and nodded their heads in agreement with Sam.  
  
"Sam, I can't. This isn't real. I'll die."  
  
"But it'll seem like a full life in here. Live it with me, stay with me. Don't leave me, please," Sam begged her.  
  
She looked down at the knife clenched in her hand, and then back up at Sam. Tears streamed down her face, but she knew what she had to do. She pulled Sam into a tight hug and let him wrap his arms around her shoulders for just a second and then she pulled away. "I love you so much and God, I miss you, but I can't stay. I'm so sorry."  She took one last look at her mother and father and then back at Sam.  
  
"Please, stay with me," He begged one more time.  
  
"I love you," she whispered and stabbed herself, plunged the knife into her heart.

Sam caught her before she fell to the floor and cradled her in his arms as she died.  
  
When her eyes opened, that chilly day in 2011, the first thing she saw was Sam, the real Sam. Her eyes darted around the room she was in, recognizing it as the muffler factory. She saw a dead djinn in the distance and Dean standing next to Sam.  
  
They'd found her.


	20. Chapter 20

Lexi sits on the floor of her and Sam's motel room. Sam had just left, grabbed his bags and left...with Ruby.

Ruby twisted Lexi's words, made her out to be the bad guy. Accused Lexi of keeping things from Sam, accused her of letting Dean go to Hell, just to save herself from her future.  
  
Sure, Lexi had kept things from both Sam and Dean. She told them half truths and omitted certain facts about what really happened, but she didn't do it to hide things from them. She did it to protect them, to save them from both of their fates. She honestly thought that she could have saved Dean, honestly thought she could save him from the pit, but she'd failed and now Dean was there, suffering unimaginable tortures.  
  
She curls herself into a ball at the thought; knees to chest and head resting against her knees. She prays to Castiel, begs him to come back, but just as she expects, he doesn't show.  

She lets her mind wander off to a place where she does things differently. Imagining that she doesn't listen to Castiel and tells Sam what he really does to make him strong enough to kill Lilith. She wonders if that would have really worked, would things have been different? Would the demons still have taken her, would the angels really come for her like Cas had warned her that day in the Kenya-like version of heaven?

Probably.  
  
Shaking the thoughts from her head, she stands up from the floor and sits down on the bed. There's a forest green plaid shirt of Sam's balled up in the unmade bed sheets, and Lexi brings it to her nose and sobs into it. She's so scared for Sam, knowing what Ruby has planned for him. Knowing what fate lies in store for Sam, if Ruby succeeds.  
  
After a short time, she wipes her eyes on Sam's shirt and sees the cell phone sitting on the night stand. She flips it open and calls Sam, the call goes directly to voice mail. She pauses a second, trying to think of what to say.

"Sam, please...I'm sorry. I swear, I never lied to you. Please, come back. I'll tell you anything you want, screw the angels! Please..." She knows she's begging, crying and pleading into the phone, but she can't stop herself, "Just come back. I'll tell you anything you want. Sam, I lo--"  
  
 _BEEP!_  
  
The voice mail cuts her off. She closes the phone and stares at it for seconds, then minutes. Ten minutes pass, then twenty, then thirty. Finally she lies down on the bed, Sam's shirt to her nose and chest and she cries some more.  
  
**  
  
It's the pounding at the door that wakes Lexi up.  

"Sam?" she calls out as she opens the door, but it's not Sam. It's a short, balding man, clearly angry about something.  
  
"Check out was thirty minutes ago," the man barks. "If you want to stay in the room, it'll cost you another $45."

Lexi realizes that the short man is the motel clerk. "Oh, sure. Sorry about that. I'll get you some cash. Just a second." She digs in the her bag and rifles through all her jeans, searching the pockets. All she has is two crumpled twenties, a five and a handful of change, equally $50. It's all the money she has in the world; she has to leave. Slowly standing up from her bag, she looks at the clerk. "I'm a little short on cash, I'll be out in ten minutes."  
  
The clerk promptly spins on his heel and walks away, yelling over his shoulder, "You've got five minutes and I'm calling the cops."  
  
Snatching up her bag from the floor, she quickly runs in to the bathroom, grabbing her things from the counter top. In the main room of the motel she tucks her gun in the waistband of her sleep wrinkled jeans. She shrugs on her jacket and tucks her version of Ruby's knife in the inside pocket. Other than a few articles of clothing, she's got everything packed up. When she looks over the room again, making sure stray herbs, chicken's feet, knives and guns aren't left behind to scare the crap out of unsuspecting housekeepers, she finds a phone charger plugged into the wall, remembering the phone call she'd made the night before. She digs in the sheets for the phone, checking for any missed calls from Sam.  

There are none.  
  
She grabs her guitar case by the black handle, slings her backpack over her shoulder and takes off down the road. She loses the battle against the tears in her eyes, and she lets them fall freely down her cheeks. She has to find Sam, but she knows she's not going to find him on foot. She needs money. She needs help.  
  
She briefly considers calling Bobby, but what would she say to him? _Hey, it's Lexi. Sam's run off with a demon and he's about to drink her blood, which will lead him to raising Lucifer from hell. Oh, and I need some money, can you help me?_   No way. She can't do that to Bobby, can't do that to Sam, not when there's still a way to save him, to stop Ruby from getting her claws into him. She wishes she had her trusty Scottsdale.  
  
After about a mile of walking, she comes upon a Gas 'N Sip. She spends some of her precious money on a couple bottles of water, a box of Power Bars and a map. Sitting down on the bench outside the gas station with the map spread out in her lap, she checks the dates and locations in John Winchester's journal, finding two possible locations. She needs a car, but to get that she needs money.  
  
She doesn't remember if the 2007 version of her has any money, probably not and even if she did, she doesn't have the cards to go with the accounts, all she has is the plastic Minnesota drivers license Sam somehow managed to find and pack for her. She thinks about using the skills Dean had taught her and hot wiring a car, but it's day time. She doesn't want to risk getting busted for boosting a car in broad daylight, knowing she won't be able to help Sam if she's sitting in jail. Sam and Dean had taught her many invaluable skills, she just needs to think and she'll come up with something. She has to.  
  
Letting out a heavy sigh, she watches a man inside the gas station, taking money out of the ATM and then it hits her. She remembers her Uncle Mark set up a savings account for her with the money from selling her childhood home and the small life insurance her parents carried. She'd never touched the account when she was younger, it's still there. She flips open her phone, dials 411 and asks for Minnesota. While Lexi waits for Information to connect her to the bank, Lexi notices a Western Union sticker on the gas station's window. Her tears of sadness and fear change to tears of joy. She's figured it out.    
  
Finally she's connected to the bank back in her little town back home, talking to a bank teller named Linda. After verifying her name, address, social security number, and birthday, Linda confirms that Lexi does indeed have a savings account at that bank, and that Linda is able to wire the money to her via Western Union. The only catch in Lexi's plan is that she needs to know the code word to access the account.  
  
"Is there a hint question, like when you forget your email password?" Lexi asks, hopeful.  
  
"No, Miss Garrison," Linda replies sadly. "I'm afraid, you have to know this in order for us to proceed."  
  
"How many chances do I get?"  
  
"Well, since I knew both your mother and father, your uncle, God rest their souls, and I've known you since you were in diapers, I'll give you two guesses."  
  
"Okay, uh..." Lexi thinks.  Mark was a hunter when he set up the savings account for her, the password would have to be something about hunting. "Is it Wendigo?"  
  
Linda pauses as she checks the password. "Sorry Miss Garrison, no that's not it. Would you like to try again?"  
  
"Yeah, how about..." She closes her eyes and concentrates. He would have picked something Lexi would know, just for situations like this.  
  
"Miss Garrison, are you still there?" Linda asks.  
  
"Yes, I'm here, sorry." As a truck passes on the highway, Lexi knows exactly what the password is. "Linda, it's Scottsdale, isn't it?" She holds her breath until Linda answers.  
  
"Yes. There's $309,916.45 in the savings account. How much would you like me to wire you?"  
  
Taking a minute to catch her breath at the amount in the savings account, Lexi lets out a sob. But it's not a sob of sadness, it's a sob of relief; she's going to be able to find Sam.  
  
"Linda, can you stay on the line for a minute? I'm going to ask the gas station attendant if there's cap on how much they can cash out."  
  
"Of course, dear. Take your time."  
  
Inside the store, Lexi asks the woman behind the counter if there is a limit she can have wired to her via Western Union.  
  
With a smile the middle aged woman puts down her book and says, "$999.00"  
  
In less than a half an hour, Lexi has a thick was of cash in her pocket and she thanks both the cashier and Linda and leaves the store. Standing in the parking lot, she looks up and down the highway, she still needs a car. She walks back into the store and the cashier meets her with a smile.  
  
"Could you please tell me where I can buy a car?"  
  
"Of course, Sal's is about three miles around the road. Tell him Barbara sent you and he'll give you a good deal."  
  
Lexi thanks Barbara again and practically runs the three miles down the highway.  

Sal's is just a small car lot, but a wide variety of cars, trucks, SUVs and mini-vans fill the space. A tall man in sharp suit meets her outside and shows her around the lot. He tries to talk her into a 2005 Ford Focus, but she can hear Dean's voice in her mind, _that's what you get for driving pieces of shit, Lex._  
  
Lexi smirks and asks to look at something else. After looking at a SUV, three trucks and another couple cars, she finally decides on a pale metallic blue 2006 Chevy Caviler. She gets Linda back on the phone and has her wire the money needed for the car, taxes, license, tags and six months worth of insurance that Sal offers for a ridiculous price. She internally winces as she signs her name on the multiple forms as Lexi Garrison, not only because her last name is officially Winchester, but at the fact that she's using her real name. Dean would never approve, but her real ID is the only one she has. Her and Sam had never gotten around to making her a handful of fake IDs.  
  
An hour later all the forms are signed and Sal hands her the keys with a friendly pat on the back and one of his business cards. She loads her guitar and bag in the trunk, checks her map and John Winchester's journal one more time and hits the road to find Sam.  
  
*//*  
  
Sam and Ruby are holed up in a ratty motel just on the other side of the Illinois border, called The Woodsman. He's sitting on the bed, staring at hands in his lap, replaying the events from the day before. He feels like an ass for leaving Lexi when he promised her he wouldn't to do that very thing. Ruby's sitting at the table, a styrofoam container in front of her, filled to the brim with with hot and crispy french fries. She devours them while watching Sam as he sulks on the motel bed.  
  
Sam's barely said a word since he woke up that morning. He flinches a little bit when his phone buzzes in the bag on the floor next to the bed. By the time he finds it, the call is sent to voice mail and he recognizes the missed call as the phone he'd left with Lexi. He stares at the phone, willing it to make the little beeping noise, signifying that a voice mail was left. After a moment that seems like a lifetime, the phone finally emits the little beep and Sam lets out a relieved breath.  
  
Ruby watches from the table and her french fries. She figured it was just a matter of time before Lexi called Sam, crying and whining for him to come back to her. Ruby rolls her eyes and shoves another french fry in her mouth.  
  
Quickly punching in the pass code to his voice mail, Sam lets out a breath as he listens to Lexi's message:  
  
 _"Sam, please...I'm sorry.  I swear, I never lied to you. Please, come back. I'll tell you anything you want, screw the angels! Please... Just come back. I'll tell you anything you want.  Sam, I lo--"_  
  
Slowly, Sam flips his phone closed and carefully sets it on the bed. He lets Lexi's words sink into his mind, he smiles. Sam's got his phone open again, his fingers ghosting over the buttons, trying to decide what to say to Lexi, how to apologize when he's done the thing he promised he would never do. When he finally dials the phone number it goes straight to voice mail.  He tries three more times and finally leaves a voice mail.  
  
"Lexi? God, I'm so sorry. I'm coming back for you. I promise I won't leave you again. I'm so sorry." He tosses the phone on the bed, then scoops up his bag. "I'm going to take a shower," he throws his words over his shoulder at Ruby.    
  
As soon as Sam is behind the bathroom door, Ruby picks up Sam's phone. She whispers a few words of Latin and sets the phone back down on the bed. The phone doesn't look any different, Sam will never know she even touched it. She merely erased the voice message Sam left Lexi. When Lexi sees the missed calls on her phone, it will read unavailable and the message will be all static. Ruby smiles evilly, clearly pleased with herself.  
  
Once behind the flimsy bathroom door, Sam flicks the lock on the knob and looks at his reflection on the mirror. His eyes are blood shot red, with heavy dark circles under them, his chin is scratchy with stubble and his hair is in desperate need of a wash. He closes his eyes and tries to feel Lexi through the bond, but all he feels is emptiness.  
  
After he showers, he quickly shaves and gets dressed. He feels like he can't move fast enough. When he's back out into the main part of the motel, he quickly collects all his weapons and clothing, shoving them into his bags, wincing at the realization of he left Lexi with practically nothing.    
  
"Sam? Where are we going?" Ruby asks, leaving out any sarcasm.  Ruby's got Sam this far, she's got to keep him close.  
  
"Back to The Patriot to find Lexi." He says absent-mindedly as he shoves a shirt into his bag.    
  
"After she lied to you for months? After she---"  
  
"I don't care! I left her! She's got nothing. No money, no car, no weapons. I promised I wouldn't leave her."  
  
"That knife sure felt pretty real when it was pressed against my neck that night at the motel. Remember that, Sam? She seems pretty capable of taking care of herself," Ruby grumbles.    
  
"I'm going. I can't leave her. I love her."  
  
Sam drives the Impala back to highway 55 and squints at the glare of the sun glaring off the blacktop. Ruby sits next to him frowning with her arms crossed. This is not going the way she planned.    
  
After a few hours Sam parks the Impala in front of his and Lexi's room, but there is a housekeeping cart in front of the door, Lexi's already gone.    
  
In the motel office, Sam talks to the motel clerk. "The woman I rented the room with for the past couple weeks, do you know where she went?" Sam questions the man.  
  
"She didn't have the cash to pay for another night. I kicked her ass out thirty minutes after check-out.  Shoulda asked if I could have taken it out in trade.  Nice lookin' ass that girl." The short man waggles his eyebrows at Sam. "Hindsight is twenty-twenty, I guess."  
  
Sam clenches his jaw, "Do you know which was she went?" He asks in an angry voice.  
  
"Can't say that I do," the clerk answers, with just a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He's looking for some incentive to give out information.  
  
Sam rolls his eyes as he slams a $50 bill on the counter. "Will this jog your memory?"  
  
With a smirk on his face, the clerk grabs the money from the counter and folds it up, putting it in his front shirt pocket. "She took off down the highway. Probably toward the gas station. I can't see much past that."  
  
Without saying a word, Sam turns on his heel and leaves The Patriot and makes his way to the gas station. Ruby huffing and bitching the whole way, but Sam ignores her. He has to find Lexi.  
  
The little bell rings above Sam as he walks into the gas station. The woman behind the counter is reading a book and Sam clears his throat to get her attention.    
  
"Can I help you?" She asks with a smile on her face.  
  
Sam returns the kind smile. "Yes, please, I'm looking for a woman. The clerk at The Patriot said he saw her come in here. She's about five foot five, blue eyes, brown hair down to about here." He motions to just below his chest. "She may have been upset?"  
  
The cashier purses her lips and looks Sam over. "She _was_ upset. You wouldn't be the one who got her that way, would you?" She sees Sam's face fall, his shoulders sag and hears him draw in a breath.  
  
"Yeah, we had an argument. I was stupid. I'm really worried about her. Can you please help me?" Sam begs.  When he looks at the cashier, he notices her name tag. "Please, Barbara. I just want to find her."  
  
Barbara's face softens and she reaches for a folder under the counter. "Her name Alexis Garrison?"  
  
A smile spreads across Sam's lips. "Yes! That's her!"  
  
Barbara nods. "I figured. She had some money wired here from back in Minnesota. She nearly cleaned me out, $999.00."  
  
Sam lets out a sigh of relief. _At least Lexi has some cash, wherever she's going._ "Do you know where she went after she left her? Did she call a bus or a cab?"  
  
"She asked where she could get a car, I sent her down the road to Sal's."  
  
"How long ago was that?" Sam asks, hoping he's not too far behind Lexi.  
  
Barbara looks down on the Western Union paper. "Miss Garrison left here about three hours ago."  
  
Sam tries to give Barbara a couple folded bills, but she pushes them back to him. "Just go find her."  
  
Nodding his head and thanking her one last time, Sam makes his way back to the Impala and heads toward Sal's.  
  
"You're really going after her?" Ruby barks at him as he speeds down the highway.  
  
"If you don't like it, you can leave, Ruby. No one is making you stay," Sam growls as he pulls into the auto lot.    
  
"Fine," Ruby barks and before Sam can look at her, she's gone.  
  
 _Just as well,_ Sam thinks. He doesn't want to be anywhere near Ruby when he finds Lexi. He doesn't want to be near Ruby at all. He knows he shouldn't have left with Ruby to begin with, shouldn't have left at all.  
  
Inside the office, Sam sees a man in a tacky suit rifling through a stack of papers. The man looks up at Sam, flashing huge smile. "Looking for a car?"  
  
"No, Barbara from the gas station said that she sent a girl down here too look for a car. I was wondering if she stopped here. Alexis Winch-Garrison," he corrects himself.  
  
"And you are?" Sal asks curiously.  
  
"Sam. Sam Miller," he lies. "Was she here?"  
  
"She was wanting to get on the road pretty quick like. She wasn't trying to get away from you? 'Cause I've got cameras all over this joint and you won't get far in that Black Beauty you're driving. The cops will be on you in a second."  
  
"No. The motel clerk kicked her out this morning while I was gone. I think she's trying to find me." Sam hopes he's not lying with that statement.    
  
Sal pulls the sales receipt from the pile and hands it to Sam. "Just sold her a car about an hour ago. I don't know where she was headed though."  
  
Looking over the sales receipt, Sam raises his eyebrows. "She bought a 2006 Chevy with cash?"  
  
"Nope, had some lady wire her money from Podunk, Minnesota and then she hit the road. Headed North on 55, didn't say where we was going though."  
  
Sam thanks Sal and hands him back the paper. He points the Impala North and keeps his eyes peeled for a light blue Chevy.  


	21. Chapter 21

After being on the road for about three hours, Lexi checks out The Woodsman, the first motel where Sam and Ruby might have been.    
  
The motel clerk says a man and a woman, matching Sam and Ruby's description, rented a room the night before. When the clerk lets her look at the room, she winces at the fact there is only one bed, but hopes that maybe Ruby doesn't sleep. Not that the bed is slept in, anyhow, it's more that the comforter is mussed from sitting on it. On her way out of he room, she notices the styrofoam container with a few stray french fries left behind and a dried red smudge of ketchup. Lexi is convinced it was Sam and Ruby's room. She pays the motel clerk at The Woodsman $100 to call her if Sam or Ruby come back, with the promise that she'll pay another hundred if the clerk keeps good on his promise.  
  
She rents a room at The Luna, just across the street from The Woodsman, so she can keep an eye on The Woodsman's parking lot. Her room at The Luna has a clear view.

After salting the window and door of the motel room, Lexi takes a shower and while digging in her bag for clothes, she finds her phone. There's a missed call from an unavailable number and a voicemail, but when she listens to it, it's just static. Instantly, she tries Sam's phone again and it goes straight to voice mail.  
  
"Sam, I'm at The Luna, it's across the street from where you and Ru-- where you stayed last night. I meant what I said, I'll tell you anything you want.  I swear it. I, uh, I miss you." _I can't be alone, not again. Not when I've just got you back_.  
  
Lexi stays at the hotel for weeks, studying maps and Sam's entries in his father's journal. Of course, she's looked at every page in the entire journal a hundred times and there's nothing new. She prays to Cas with earnest, but he doesn't answer her. When she finally leaves, she leaves a note for Sam, both at The Luna and at The Woodsman. Just in case Sam is looking for her. She hopes he is.  
  
She spends the next two months driving to the locations in John Winchester's journal, all coming up empty handed. There's been no more phone calls from Sam or from the unavailable phone number, her calls to Sam's phone go straight to voice mail.  
  
After checking into a motel room and salting the windows and doors, Lexi collapses onto the lumpy mattress, defeated and exhausted. She's combed through John's journal and driven to all the locations listed, but was still unable to find Sam, and makes a silent promise to herself to call Bobby in the morning if nothing else turns up. She strips off her travel wrinkled clothing and slips on Sam's forest green button up shirt, she's been sleeping in it for weeks now, and gets into bed.  

After hours of tossing and turning she grabs the journal off the end table and decides to go through it again. Flipping through page after page, Lexi sighs, she's read the pages so many times now that she's practically got them memorized.  
  
"Son of a bitch!" She yells out and then ducks to the floor when all the light bulbs burst in their sockets and the mirror's glass on the wall spider webs.

Slipping on her shoes to avoid the shards of broken light bulb and grabbing Ruby's knife, Lexi makes her way over to the salt lines. They're still intact. She looks at her reflection in the broken mirror and touches the cracked pattern in the glass. When her fingertips touch her reverse image the glass blows out, catching beams of light from outside her window as it falls to the ground. She can feel her grace working inside of her body, trying to come out of her the way it did the night with Lilith's demons, but she forces it down. Every muscle clenches in her body as she shakes all over, fighting for control.  When she gets it, she stumbles backwards onto the bed, exhausted.    
  
Just before her eyes close, she sees a name on the open page of John's journal, _Chuck Shurley_ , and she falls asleep.  
  
-  
  
Lexi's eyes pop open at half passed six in the morning and Chuck's name spills from her lips in a whisper. She knows who Chuck is, who Chuck really is, Sam and Dean found out that he was really God just days after she gave birth to Antonia. Sam had stared off into space in shock when Cas told the brothers, but Dean didn't take it so well. Dean was pissed.  
  
Always attuned to her favorite uncle's moods, Alex had quickly toddled out of her bedroom as fast as her two year old legs could carry her and climbed up Dean, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Unca De," she whispered sweetly, running her small hands over the stubble on his chin, "No yell, baby's asleepin".  
  
All it took was just a handful of words from Alex's little mouth and all Dean's anger melted away.  
  
Scrambling to find the page in John's journal, Lexi flips through the worn pages until she finds it. She skims through handwriting she recognizes as Dean's until she finds an address. 

All her clothes and personal items are still in her bag, she was too exhausted to do anything the night before. She puts on the clothes she worn the day before, shaking the winkles and tiny shards of glass from them and bolts out the door. She tosses a fifty dollar bill on the table on her way, to cover the broken mirror and light bulbs.  
  
In the car, she finds Chuck's town on the crumpled map. Sam and Dean don't meet him, technically, for over a year yet, but the Supernatural books were famous in some circles long before the brothers caught wind of them. She reasons with herself that there's a good chance Chuck's still in his ramshackle house, sitting in front of his computer. 

Just a few hours later, she parks the car in front of Chuck's house. She takes a deep breath before knocking on his door, trying to fix her hair and smooth her clothes. His name might be Chuck Shurley, Carver Edlund to some, but she knows who she's really paying a visit to _._ God.  
  
After knocking on the door twice, a scruffy man in a bathrobe answers the door. He's shorter than she imagined, and isn't at all prepared for the glass of booze in his hand. He studies her with knitted eyebrows before he addresses her, almost looking confused, but that doesn't fool Lexi for a second. She knows exactly who he is and knows he knows exactly who she is.

Matthew 10:30 and Luke 12:7 echo in Lexi's head: _even the hairs on your head are numbered._  
  
"Hello," she says softly.  
  
"Hello, Alexis Winchester," Chuck says softly, nothing the way Sam and Dean described his way of talking.  

Sam and Dean called him squirrelly, nerdy even, but this Chuck...God, was anything but. He motions for her to come inside his humble abode, but Lexi can't make herself move. She's literally in the presence of God. Should she curtsey, bow, kneel, make the sign of the cross?

Chuck smiles at her as if he can hear he thoughts. "How about you start by taking your shoes off?"  
  
She obeys, toeing off her shoes and neatly setting them by a pair of well worn Nike's. _God wears Nike's? God wears shoes?_

A soft chuckle brings her attention from the neat row of shoes and back up to Chuck. He sits down on a flat brown couch and gestures for her to take a seat next to him. She does, resting her hands in her lap and crossing her ankles, sitting just how her mother taught her to sit when she was a little girl in church.  
  
"So, Alexis," Chuck says while finishing his drink and setting the empty glass down on a coaster. "You're very special, you know that? Traveled through space and time, defied all odd, defied the natural order of things..."  
  
Lexi opens her mouth to speak, but instead bursts into tears. Everything she's been holding inside herself for months, the pain, the grief, the agony, the loss, the fear, all that combined with her sitting just six inches from God is just too overwhelming. It's just too much. Chuck reaches out and smooths her hair, petting it softly as she cries.  
  
"One hundred twenty two thousand, six hundred and ninety four," he whispers to Lexi.  
  
Choking on a sob, she takes her hands from her face and looks up to Chuck. "What?" She asks, confused.  
  
"How many hairs are on your head. One hundred twenty two thousand six hundred and ninety four." Lexi's mouth gapes as she stares at him. "You thought about Luke and Matthew. They were right, I know how many hairs are on all my children's heads. All of them, but you didn't come here to know that, did you?" Chuck asks her softly.  
  
Mouth still open, Lexi shakes her head. "Sam..." Her voice trails off.  
  
A look spreads across Chuck's face and Lexi recognizes it as pain, sadness, grief.  
  
"Where is he? Please, please help me," she begs, "I can't do it again. It's too much," she whispers. "You've given me too much." Her eyes meet his again and the same look of pain is on them. "Why do you look sad?"  
  
"When someone you love hurts, it's pains you. One of my children is crying next to me. I may be God, but I love my children just the way you do."

Lexi flinches at the mention of her children. She pictures them in her mind with her parents and uncle Mark in heaven.

Chuck smiles at her again. "You're absolutely right, your children are safe, they're happy and they're loved. You, Alexis, you have faith, you cling to it so tightly. I hear your prayers, to me and to Castiel, but I'm afraid Castiel can't answer you. You did this of your own free will, of your own accord. They say I work in mysterious ways."  
  
"I can't stop it, can I? It will always happen, won't it?" Lexi's crying again, tears falling down her face as her world crumbles before her.  
  
"Not necessarily. Certain things will always happen, regardless of time, but somethings aren't," he pauses, " _carved in stone_." He chuckles slightly at his little joke.  
  
Lexi smiles and rolls her eyes slightly, "Moses jokes, huh?" Chuck simply grins shrugs his shoulders. "Please, will you tell me where Sam is?"  
  
Chuck writes down an address on a scrap of paper and hands it to her. "Alexis, you are good daughter, you are a good person. Please remember that. I gave all my children free-will, but some roads all lead back to the same place."  
  
"I have to try. I have to."  
  
"I wouldn't expect anything less from you, but before you go, I just ordered from the pizza place down the street. Would you stay and have supper with me?" He asks kindly, almost like he hopes to have her as a company in his home for just a bit longer.  
  
Unable to say no, not that she would, not that she wants to, Lexi nods her head. "Pizza sounds great."  
  
Chuck pats her knee and gets up from the couch, she watches him disappear up the stairs and hears a door close. She stands up from the couch and walks over to Chuck's desk. Running her fingers over stacks upon stacks of papers, she glances down at the words typed on them. She knows he's writing out their lives, Sam's and Dean's, the future Winchester gospels. It's odd to her that someday when she's long dead and forgotten, after only Chuck knows how many generations have lived, that one day their life stories will be bound in the same book as the stories of Noah, Moses, Jesus, David and Goliath, to name a few. She painfully wonders if someday her name will be listed next to Sam's, as his wife.

She looks on the shelves of Chuck's house, at the odds and ends he's collected over his time here, how ever long that's been. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the things he's acquired; a few rows of books Lexi's never heard of, a few agates, and potted plant. When she turns around to look something else, Chuck is dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, sitting on the couch with two plates and a box of pizza. She sits back down on the couch and he hands her a piece of pizza on a plate.  
  
"Thank you." Her voice still soft, she's in awe that she's eating something so simple with God. He nods his head and takes a bite of his own triangle of pizza.  
  
"Why did you leave heaven?" The words fall from her mouth before she can rein herself in.  
  
Chuck chews his bite of pizza thoughtfully before he answers. "There are many reasons." He says plainly, but doesn't offer anything else. "The grace," Chuck changes the subject. "Your grace, you can feel it changing you?"  
  
Lexi sets her plate of pizza down on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Can you take it out?" Her voice surprises her, it sounds so much like a child's voice. She knows the grace doesn't belong, and remembers what Gabriel said to her, that God wouldn't be happy with Castiel.  
  
"Grace is a funny thing," he begins. "It's what makes my angels what they are, it gives them their light, their essence, but when inside a human, it changes them. It's changing you. It's put you on a new path, a new destiny. It's a long and painful journey ahead of you, but you'll reap many rewards in this new life. You see, all my children are special, all in their own way. Some make enormous changes in the word, some good some bad, some minuscule, but all serve a purpose." Chuck rests a hand on Lexi's shoulder. "You have everything you need to do what you came to this life to do. Sam is at that address, go to him."  
  
With a snap of Chuck's fingers, Lexi is driving down a highway.

"Thank you," she whispers to Chuck. Even though she's not with him any longer, she knows he hears it.  
  
As she drives over what seem like millions of miles of highway, she watches for the black Impala. She imagines seeing it at some roadside diner or motel, but she never does. It's not until she drives up to a remote cabin, at the address Chuck gave her, that she sees it. She can feel Sam as soon as she turns on to the overgrown driveway. A flood of feelings come through the bond from Sam; trepidation, grief, sadness, anger, but it's the self-loathing that scares her the most.  
  
*//*  
  
After Sam checked out Sal's Auto lot, he has no more leads. He's called Bobby to let him know he's looking for Lexi, but Bobby's not seen hide nor tail of her. When Bobby asks why and how they got separated, Sam has no idea what to say. He feels like an asshole for walking out on Lexi the way he did; especially for walking out with Ruby at his side. He simply tells Bobby that it's was his fault Lexi left and asks Bobby to get a hold of him if he hears from Lexi. Bobby suggests that she might have went home. Sam tells him that he's thought of that, but wants to stick close just in case Lexi's still around.    
  
After his call to Bobby, Sam hears a knock on his door. He runs to it, hoping it's Lexi, but it's not. It's Ruby and she just walks right into his motel room.  
  
"Ya 'bout done looking for the wife?" Ruby asks sarcastically.  
  
"No," he answers firmly. "Why are you here?"  
  
"Don't be like that Sam," Ruby says with mock hurt in her voice. "You're the one who wants Lilith's head on a platter and I'm the one who can help you. Besides, you said you and Dean taught Lexi just about everything she knows.  If she wants to stay hidden from you, she will."  
  
"She doesn't. I know she doesn't," Sam growls.  
  
"You know that from just one phone call? You'd think if she wanted you back so badly, she's have called more than just once."  
  
"She'll call. I know she will!" Sam yells at Ruby. He wants to tell Ruby to leave, but she's right, he does want Lilith's head on a platter. He wants it more than anything, except for Lexi and Dean back. He wants them both back so badly.    
  
Sam orders himself a pizza and drinks much more whiskey than he probably should. He knows Dean will be back, but that doesn't stop the ache inside him. He misses his brother, he misses Lexi, he wants them both back, but he continues to drink until he passes out.

He doesn't hear the phone buzz on the night stand next to his bed, but Ruby does and she listens to Lexi's promises and pleas from him to come back. With another few lines of a spell, Ruby changes Lexi's message from words of love and apologies to one more suiting to her needs. When Sam wakes up the next morning he sits up and listens to the (tainted) message:  
  
 _"Sam, I know you're with Ruby. I warned you what would happen if you went with her. You made your bed and now you get to lie in it. So just say the hell away from me, Sam. You're not my Sam, you're weak, you'll never be him. You're a monster, just stay the fuck away from me. Your brother would be so disappointed in you if he could see you right now."_  
  
Sam slowly sinks back down on the pillows, replaying the message over and over again. Finally, when he can't listen to the words anymore, he rushes up from the bed and heads for the door, but stops when he sees Ruby, through the window, leaning against the passenger door of the Impala. He flings the curtain shut, whips his phone at the wall and it shatters into pieces. He grabs his bag, his gun, taking one last look at the pile of broken plastic on the floor and leaves.  
  
-  
  
Ruby starts off by telling him how to flip the switches on in his brain. It comes quick for Sam, surprisingly quick. He's able to fling empty whiskey bottles around the rotting cabin he and Ruby are squatting in, by just moving his hand.  

Three weeks later, he's sometimes able to do it just by concentrating hard, so hard he sometimes gets bloody noses and pounding migraines. One month after, the nose bleeds and migraines subside, but the ache in his middle never goes away.  
  
When Ruby goes off to wherever Ruby goes off to, Sam stares at his new phone. His fingers twitch as they rest just above the keys. He aches to call Lexi, but her words echo in his mind and he stops himself.    
  
One night, as Sam obsessively cleans his gun and drinks long pulls from a glass bottle of whiskey. He spends the extra $10 on the glass bottle, even though it taste the same, it makes him feel better, makes him feel like less of a loser, not drowning his shit in a plastic bottle. Ruby proposes something to him that makes his insides twist.

"Sam, I swear, just one little drink and everything, every little light inside that pretty big head of yours will just flick on. Just one drink is all you need." Ruby keeps her eyes gentle and her tone soft. "Just one drink and you'll be on your way to being ready to kill Lilith."  
  
"Drink your blood? Is that what Lexi was hiding from me? That's what this was about!! No wonder she didn't want to tell me. Fuck you Ruby, there's no..."  
  
"Sam, you can gank the bitch and you can go back to your girl. It'll be all over. Just one teensy taste and you'll be on your way."  
  
 _Go back to Lexi._

He's lost the two of the most important things he's ever had. He's broken on the inside. Lexi's right, he's weak and Dean would be so disappointed in him; he didn't keep Lexi safe and now he's in a dark cabin with Ruby, contemplating the unthinkable. His head is telling him to plunge her own knife into her chest and kill her right now, but his heart, his heart aches. Aches for Dean, aches for Lexi...  
  
Ruby stumbles backward on the lumpy and musty smelling bed. She feels a slight pain in her forearm and before she knows what's happening, Sam's mouth is suckling at the source of the pain. She reaches up with her free arm and pets Sam's hair. "Just like that, Sam.  Just like that."

This is exactly what Ruby wants.

-  
  
Weeks have gone by, and one drink from Ruby, turns into two, and then three, and then four, five and then he loses count. Sam starts to exorcize demons with his mind. It's difficult at first, but with practice, it becomes easier. 

Sam justifies his abhorrent actions with Ruby, by telling himself he's saving people. They've brought more people to the hospital, more people back to their homes, in the last three weeks than he and Dean ever did. Ruby's blood makes him strong, it dulls the ache inside him so much more than whiskey ever could. It dulls the ache so much that he realizes he hasn't thought about Lexi in days; hasn't run his fingers over the buttons of his phone, wishing he had the guts to call the woman that he loves so much.  
  
One night, after he's made a tiny cut in Ruby's arm he feels her hand snake up to his hair, petting it like she always does, but then she kisses the side of his face. His stomach churns, but he keeps lapping the metallic tasting blood from the cut on her arm, and he lets out a contented moan when he's had his fill.

He rolls off of her and lies down on the bed next to Ruby. He can feel the power coursing through his veins, making his mind sharp, when Ruby rolls to her side, facing Sam.  She runs her hand down his cheek, down his jaw, neck, chest and abs; making lazy circles with her fingers around the buttons of his plaid shirt. He doesn't feel it, not really. All he really feels is the blood, Ruby's blood, mixing with his own. It's not until she works his belt open, that he pushes her off of him and stands up from the bed.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" Sam grunts out, wiping away blood that isn't on his lips. It's not there because he licked them clean, enjoying every last drop, feeling full and content, but still wanting more. _So much more._  
  
"Sam," Ruby whispers softly, her voice so kind and gentle that it takes Sam by surprise. "Is this because of the body? I already told you, it's just me in here. No one else." She pushes herself up off the bed and slowly walks over to Sam. "It's just me in here," she repeats, bringing Sam's hand to her body. "It's warm in here, and it's just me."  
  
"No." Sam growls with all the strength he has, "No."  
  
"Sam." she reaches for Sam's hand again. "It's soft in this body. Just--"  
  
Sam's lips cut off Ruby's words. He kisses her harshly and before he knows it, her shirt is off. He doesn't even remember doing it, but it's his fingers pushing his pants to the floor. It's his arms scooping Ruby off the floor and tossing her on to the bed. It's his hands that tug Ruby's jeans off her hips and whips them over his shoulder. He hates himself just a little more with every movement. He knows it's wrong, more than wrong, but when he's fully inside her, all those thoughts melt away. 

He doesn't hear the car door slam outside, he doesn't hear anything except Ruby's hushed little moans, mixed with his own. He doesn't hear the knocking at the door, he doesn't hear the old door creek as it opens, all he hears is Ruby's voice, groaning out his name.

Except what he hears isn't a groan, it's a gasp. And it's not Ruby's voice making the gasp, it's Lexi's.


	22. Chapter 22

Lexi's heart pounds as she steps out of the Caviler. She knows Sam's inside the run down abandoned cabin: she can feel him.

The Impala is in the yard at the address Chuck gave her, and there's a dim light coming through the window as she makes her way to the door. She knocks softly, and when there's no answer she knocks again, but more loudly this time. Still no answer. She holds her breath and listens. There's voices, but they're muffled.

Slowly she opens the door, gun in hand and follows the sounds. She gasps on horror at what she finds.

"Sam?" She calls out, barely able to believe her eyes. "Oh, God, Sam. No, no, no. NO!"

A dozen whiskey bottles shatter on the table, but no one notices.  
  
It takes a second for Lexi's voice to reach Sam's brain, but when it does he whips his head around at the sound. At first he thinks he's imagining her there, but when she backs out of the cabin, tripping over her own feet out of the cabin door, he knows it's really her.

He flies up off the bed, off of Ruby and grabs for his pants off the floor. He quickly steps into them and goes after Lexi. She's already in her car when Sam skids to a halt at her door.  
  
"Lexi? How did you find me? Where have you been? Why are you here?"

All the questions fall out of his mouth before he can rein them in, before he can even think, before he realizes what Lexi just walked in on.

Lexi jumps out of the car and the soft look on her face, the one usually filled with hope, love and determination, is gone. Sam can tell she's pissed. Before he knows it, all six feet four inches of him stumbles backwards a couple steps when her five foot five body actually pushes him.  
  
"You don't get to ask the fucking questions, Sam! Are you really that mad at me for not telling you that it's you fucking Ruby, drinking her blood, that makes the whole God dammed world go to hell? I may have kept things from you." She pushes him again. "May have told you half truths, omitted certain facts and yes, I lied to you about somethings, but I did it to keep us safe! There are angels after me, demons after me and God only knows what else! I did what I thought was best! I did everything I could, I would have sacrificed everything to save Dean, to save you, and I drive all over God's green earth, not hearing from your for months, FOR MONTHS and find you..." Lexi motions to the cabin and Sam knows exactly what she means. She means Ruby.  
  
"Lexi." Sam runs his hands through his hair and wipes his face. He was never mad at Lexi, _never_. As soon as he left the motel room that day, he wanted to turn around and go back. "God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-- I didn't...I'm so sorry."  
  
"Why? Why would you...in what world is this ever okay? Why?" Lexi doesn't mean to, but a sob falls from her mouth as she backs away from Sam. "YOU PROMISED ME!" She screams at Sam.  
  
"I know I did. I'm sor--"  
  
"Get in the car," Lexi growls.  
  
"Wait...what?"  
  
"Get. In. The. Car." She speaks to Sam like he's a child and is incapable of following instructions. When he doesn't move, she screams, "NOW!"

Lexi reasons with herself that she knew Sam was with Ruby before, she knew all about his dark past before she married him. She's pissed, pissed beyond all belief, but there's a tiny spark of hope that it's not too late.  
  
"You want me to come with you? After...after Ruby?"  
  
"Don't you dare say her fucking name again. Get in the car!"  
  
"The Impala, I'll follow you--"  
  
"Fuck the Impala!" Lexi growls as she gets in the car.

Bobby can come get it for Sam, Lexi's not letting Sam out of her sight again. She knows Dean will kick her ass all the way back to 2014 when he hears what she said, the way she just treated his baby, but there's not much she can do now.  
  
Sam folds himself in half as he slides in to the Caviler, but doesn't say anything as Lexi drives it onto the highway. He watches tears fall down her faces as her fists are clenched over the steering wheel. They both stay silent as the car speeds down the highway. After a couple hours Sam recognizes where they are headed.

"We're going to Bobby's?" He asks carefully.  
  
Lexi doesn't answer him, she just clenches her jaw and stares out the windshield. She can't answer him, she knows she's either burst out crying or she'll start to scream at Sam, probably both, so she stays silent. Not that Sam doesn't deserve to be screamed at, if Dean saw him right now, Dean would do all hell of a lot more than scream at Sam.  
  
It's late when they pull into Singer Auto Salvage, but the inside lights are on, and Bobby's form is visible through a window.

Putting the car in park, Lexi pauses before opening her car door. "It better not be too late, Winchester, or so help me God..." Sam opens his mouth, but Lexi cuts him off. "How many times?"  
  
"I lost count...I don't know." Saying the words aloud makes it sound as heinous as his actions really were. "God, Lexi, I'm so sor--"  
  
"Don't you dare!" Lexi interrupts with a growl, and the windshield spiderwebs.

Sam gasps and looks between the windshield and Lexi, with his mouth open slightly.

Lexi can feel it, her grace, swirling at hurricane speeds inside her body. It's feeding off her anger, off her frustration, but she refuses to let it. She takes a deep breath to calm herself and gets out of the car, and Sam hesitantly follows.  
  
Once inside Bobby's house, he greets Lexi and Sam with a curious hello, but Lexi skips past the salutations and barks, "Did you build it yet?"

All the light bulbs in Bobby's living room and kitchen shatter with loud popping sounds and sparks.  
  
"Lexi, what's going on?" Sam reaches out to her, but stumbles back against the wall, by an unseen force, Lexi's grace. Both he and Bobby gasp.  
  
"Apparently my mojo kicks in when I'm pissed off," she offers to the men and their silent questions. "Did you build it yet?" Lexi yells at Bobby again.  
  
"Build what? Bobby asks hesitantly. "I'm almost scared to ask..." He murmurs to Sam, who's face is contorted in confusion just like Bobby's.

"The panic room!" She yells, and the glass in a picture shatters just to their left.

"Yeah." Bobby rubs his beard. "Finished it awhile ago, what do you need--"

Lexi cuts Bobby off with another yell, "Downstairs, Sam!" The three of them hear some sort of glass shatter in the kitchen.

Sam opens his mouth to ask what's going on, but he snaps it shut, remembering the force that held him against Bobby's wall; Lexi's grace. He's free of it now and walks toward the stairway to Bobby's basement, Lexi is right behind him, Bobby behind her. When he stops in front of the opened iron door, Lexi pushes him inside and slams the door behind him.

"What is this?" He calls through the iron door to Bobby and Lexi. She storms off and runs up the stairs, leaving the two men in the basement.

"Well, you heard her. It's a panic room, built it awhile ago," Bobby answers, still confused.

"You built a panic room?" Sam asks with a little awe and joke in his voice, despite his current situation.

"What?" Bobby asks him. "I had a weekend off. What the hell did you do to make Lexi throw you in here?" It's a valid question, Bobby has no idea what's going on, he hasn't seen Sam since the day they buried Dean and he's just gotten the one phone call.

"I fucked up, Bobby." Sam answers as he sits down on the small cot chained to the wall. "I fucked up bad."

"Okay, I'm going to ignore the vagueness of that answer and ask another question. What's up with Lexi? Why's she hell bent on cracking glass, ruinin' the decor?" When Sam doesn't answer him, Bobby calls out to him, "Sam?"

He still doesn't answer and with a heavy sigh, Bobby makes his way up the stairs to find the source of all the glass breaking. He finds Lexi sitting in a chair in his office, curled up in a ball and a glass of whiskey in her hand. He doesn't know that it's the same chair Lexi sat in the day she came back to 2007, the same type of whiskey and the exact same glass, but Lexi does.

"Woulda pegged you for more of a tequila gal, myself," Bobby says, sitting down on the couch. Lexi smirks at Bobby's words, remembering them from years in the future, but doesn't say anything. "Care to elaborate on your new glass shattering mojo?" He asks.

"Grace," Lexi answers, shooting the healthy sized shot in her glass and pouring another. "Stupid angel shoved his grace inside me, thinking I could save them. I can't save anybody, Bobby. It's all gonna happen."

She's dying to tell someone exactly what's going on, dying to get this weight off her shoulders that she's not equipped to carry. 

"And he kept me there with him!  'Eat some pizza with me,' he said. 'You'll reap rewards,' he promised me. There's no rewards, Bobby, it's the exact same road. All roads lead to the same damn place. Free will my ass!"

"Easy on the pronouns, Lexi. Who are you talking about?" Bobby questions.

"God, Bobby. I freakin' ate pizza with God. Can you believe that? _Pizza_. And you know what? He wears freakin' Nikes! God is a pizza lovin', Nike wearin', rock collectin', plunger wieldin' asshole. If I woulda left when he gave me the address, I woulda found Sam 'fore it was too late. Sam woulda never..." Lexi's voice trails off.  She knows the whiskey is making her loose-lipped, and she doesn't want Bobby to know about Sam and Ruby.  Hell, she doesn't want to know about Sam and Ruby. 

"Plunger wielding?" Bobby smirks.

"He hit Sam in the head with a plunger." She winces as she shoots her whiskey and refills her glass.

"God hit Sam in the head with a plunger?" Bobby swallows a laugh.

" _Will_ hit. Not t'day. T'future's stupid, Bobby," Lexi slurs and finishes her whiskey.

Bobby takes the bottle away from her.

"I'm confused." Bobby takes his hat off to scratch his head. "You saw God?"

"Yup, an'he tol'me whereta find Sam."

"And he's in the panic room, why?"

"Ta keep em safe. Ta save hissoul. Ta keep em outta th'fire," Lexi mumbles as she closes her eyes and passes out.

*//*

There's just two weeks until Dean comes back from hell. Lexi's left Sam in the panic room the whole time she was at Bobby's. He's not showing any withdrawal symptoms like the ones she read about in Dean's journal and she's beyond thankful for that, but she still keeps him in there just to be safe. That, and she's still pissed and hurt because of what Sam did, but more than anything she's scared. She wants to keep him in there until Dean comes back just to be safe, but Bobby's already told her that if she doesn't let Sam come out by noon today, he'll do it himself. 

Lexi wakes to Bobby talking on the phone to someone who apparently hunting some monster she's never heard of, and pushes herself up off the couch. She's not gone downstairs since their first day at Bobby's, it's been Bobby who brought Sam food and water, always coming back upstairs telling her that Sam was asking for her. 

She walks into the kitchen to grab herself a beer from Bobby's fridge, when he takes it from her hand. He's still on the phone and points to the basement door. "Now," he mutters. "No, not you Rufus, you idjit."

She rolls her eyes, grabs a couple bottles of water, a deli bought lettuce salad from the fridge, and makes her way down the stairs.

"Sam?" She says softly as she knocks on the iron door. 

"Lexi, let me out! Nothing's happening, I feel fine!" He growls.

But he's not fine. He's a mess, everything aches and he can't stop shaking. At first he was sorry for what he did to Lexi, sorry for sleeping with Ruby, sorry for breaking his promise, sorry for everything. But not now, now he's filled with a hunger and a thirst like he's never felt before, and he's so pissed. Pissed at himself, sure, but in his state of pure need, all his pissed-offness is channeled toward Lexi.

"You sure?" She asks softly.

"I'M SURE!"

Lexi spins the handle and opens the door, closing it behind herself after she takes a hesitant step inside. She knows Bobby will let them out later.

Sam's standing with his back to her, facing a wall. She sets down his salad and bottle of water and walks over to him. 

"Sam, I'm sorry for keeping you down here. I just didn't..." She reaches out to touch him and he whips around, his arm is sliced open and blood covers his hands. She sees that he's really not okay. He's covered in sweat, he's pale and his face is sunken in. He's going through withdrawals already. "Sam, what did you do?" She reaches out to grab his arm to look at the wound and he wrenches his arm away. She notices a smudge of blood on the iron wall, at a closer look she realizes what it is. It's the angel banishing sigil. She backs away from Sam, "Don't do that! I don't know what it'll do to me! I have no idea where it'll send me! Look, I'm sorry I kept you in here this long, but I swear it's nothing like what it would be like for you if Dean has to do it. It'll be so much worse."

"You kept me down here for weeks! Wouldn't tell me why, you babbled to Bobby about God and keeping me safe, but you just left me down here to rot! How long would you have kept me here if Bobby wouldn't have made you let me out? Until Dean comes back? You would have left me down here that long?" Sam's yelling at Lexi, his hand just hovering over the symbol on the wall.

"No! I just wanted to keep you safe! How do you even know about that? Did you read it in the journal?"

"Ruby," He growls with narrowed eyes. "I told her about your grace and she dug up a few things. This was one of them. I've had days to go over this in my head, lots of time by myself to think about stuff--"

"Sam, this isn't you. Why are you listening to her? She's a DEMON, SAM! Why are you doing this?" Lexi cries, pressing herself tight against the door she knows won't open.

"Why? Because I'm monster! You said so yourself!"

"No, I didn't, Sam! I would never! SEE! It's all Ruby! Just like I said, she twists everything around. I never said that!"

"It's too late, Lexi." Sam's face changes from pure rage to almost remorseful. "We can't do this. You and me, and I know this is the only way you'll let me go. I can't be with you. I'm sorry you came all the way back here for me, but I can't do this. It's too much." He moves his hand closer to the wall.

"Sam, please don't do this! I know you,. It's her blood! I know this isn't you!"

"Yes it is," Sam answers in almost a sad voice.

"BOBBY!!!" She screams in vain to the hunter upstairs, but knows that even if Bobby were to hear her, there's no way he'd make it downstairs in time.

"I'm sorry," Sam whispers as he presses his bloody hand into the symbol on the wall. 

Lexi squeezes her eyes shut and with a burst of bright white light that Sam has to shield his eyes away from, she's gone.

-

Lexi wakes up in a field, there's an almost metallic pain everywhere in her body as she stretches her limbs, rubbing her sore elbow. Her surroundings, although completely normal; trees, birds, squirrels and a highway off in the distance, she has no idea where she's at. She stands up, bones popping and sore muscles protesting as she brushes off her hands on her dusty jeans.

She looks up at the sky. "You bastard! You kept me from him! God, this is your fault. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"  A rustle behind her snaps her out of her cursing God.

"It's not God's fault, you know," A snarky voice snaps.

Lexi faces the snarky voice and upon seeing his black jacket and slacks, his gray tie and crisp white shirt, it doesn't take her but a second to figure out who he is. "Zachariah, what the hell could you possibly want?"

"Seems like you're hell bent on stopping our little apocalypse and we can't have that happening, now can we? It's written so---"

"So shall it be. Yeah, I got that. Heard it thousands of times. Still doesn't tell me what the hell you want." Lexi knows she should be scared, but she's not. She doesn't care anymore, there's nothing left to care about, not now. She's lost Sam, Dean went to hell, is still there, probably already broken the first seal. It's too late. It's all too late.

"The Winchesters have a job to do, they have a purpose in this crappy existence, and you've been keeping them from it. Storing them in that shabby little cabin you call home. I can't have that, _we_ can't have that happen, not anymore." Zachariah adjusts his tie and takes a step toward Lexi.

She counters him by taking a step backward. "What does that mean?" Lexi wishes she had the angel blade, but Sam still has it. She knows that Zachariah takes Adam, he breaks Sam's legs, gives Dean stage three stomach cancer and rips Sam's lungs out, among other things.  She'd love more than anything to be the one to stab Zachariah.

"What it means is, adjustments need to be made in order to keep this train on it's tracks. Starting with you." Zachariah raises his hand and at the exact moment he snaps his fingers, Lexi squeezes her eyes shut. A few seconds later when she doesn't feel dead or hurt, she opens her eyes slowly.

"What did you do!" She screams at him. He could have done anything, literally anything.

In the blink of an eye Zachariah's face is directly in her own. "Worked a little mojo of my own." He winks at her, "Don't worry, I didn't lay a finger on your precious head, just tweaked a few things. Wiped your boys' memories of all things _you_."

Lexi's mouth gapes at Zachariah as she processes what she was just told. "What? Why? NO! They won't know anything! Sam won't know... They won't know anything! NO! YOU CAN'T!"

"Oh, but I can." Zachariah gives her an evil grin. "It's already done. And if you do _anything_ , go near them, tell them anything about the future, what our plans are for this craphole of a world...I'll see to it that you wish you were dead." With a smirk, Zachariah is gone.

Looking up and down the highway, Lexi has no idea what to do. There's nothing to do. She picks a direction and just walks.


	23. Chapter 23

Sam's lying silently in bed, Ruby asleep and naked at his side and all he can think about is Dean. His big brother burning in hell for all eternity, just so he can be alive. _If you can even call this living_ , he thinks to himself.

He untangles himself from a sleeping Ruby and digs in his bag for some clothes. Things have been strange, well, stranger than usual for Sam. He woke up in Bobby's panic room, not remembering anything. Bobby had tried to ask him thirteen dozen questions, but Sam didn't listen. He quickly told Bobby that he couldn't be there and that he couldn't talk about it and that was that.

Just as Sam walked out Bobby's door, Bobby tossed him a set of keys. "Had the Impala towed here. Don't be a stranger."

Sam nodded his head and gave Bobby a weak smile as he left, his head swimming with thousands of questions. How did he get to Bobby's house? Why was he in that iron room? What was the empty nagging feeling in his chest?

He knew in his mind, the ache was from the loss of his brother, but there was something else he couldn't quite put his finger on. In vain, he tried to fill the emptiness with the metallic taste of Ruby's blood. He tried to ignore it, tried to keep his eyes on the prize; ganking Lilith, but no matter what he did, the empty feeling was always there.

As he steps into a wrinkly pair of jeans that needed to be washed three or four wears ago, he knocks his backpack over, and a leather bound book falls from his bag with a clunk. He picks it up and looks it over, it's unfamiliar to him. As he opens the cover, the golden lettering shows on the dark brown surface of the leather, it glints off the pale light in the room, he whispers the inscription softly, "Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

Pursing his lips together tightly, he silently questions the journal. _Where did it come from?_ Surely he's never seen it before, but as he flips through the first dozen or so pages of writing, it painfully obvious that it's his journal. It's filled with a handful of pages, written in his own hand, but he doesn't remember writing it. Of course he doesn't remember a lot of things, the whiskey he drinks more than water ensures that.

He reads on about hunting a nest of vampires in Superior, Wisconsin, back in February with Dean and this Lexi girl. He stops and rereads the entry again, making sure he read the words correctly the first time. Surely he and is brother would never take a civilian, on a hunt, but according to this journal, they had.

"What ya lookin' at?" Ruby calls to him in a sleep rough voice.

"Nothing," He growls back, shoving the mysterious journal back in his bag. But there's a nag inside him, like he should know this, like it's something important. He rubs the stubble on his chin and then smooths his hair back. "Who's Lexi?" He asks out of no where.

"Uh...what?" Ruby asks confused.

"Never mind."

"Sam did you hit your head, she's your friggen wi--" Ruby stops herself. She can't remember the last time Sam brought up Lexi. She's sure that he hasn't said her name once since he's been back from South Dakota. Sam's been out of it for a couple hours, but he never mentioned Lexi.

"She's my what?" Sam yells his question, shocked.

He reaches for the journal again, thumbing through the pages he's just read. If he didn't know better, he'd have thought Ruby was going to say this Lexi persona was his wife. Surely not though, when the hell would he have time to get married? Who would even want him?

He feel his eyes bulge in their sockets as he reads over a page, in his own handwriting, about this strange Lexi. How they slept together, how they were married in 2011, _isn't it only 2008?_ , their two daughters and their tragic deaths. He slams the book shut and shoves it back in his bag. He must have been drunk when he wrote the entry, had to have been, he decides.

Ruby watches him from the bed, as he reads the pages over and over again. She knows she has to use this mysterious memory lapse to her advantage. If she would have known about it, she could have killed Lexi herself and Sam wouldn't even have known the difference.

She still can. _She will._

*//*

There had been two buses, one shady van guy and ten more miles walked in Lexi's already worn sneakers, and she was finally home. She stands on the gravel driveway of her family's hunting cabin and just looks up at it.

The last time she'd seen it, the drive was slushy with the beginnings of spring, but now summer is quickly fading, giving way to the ambers and crimsons of fall. It's September now, the air crisp and though usually the sight of her hunting cabin brought back many memories from the past, now all she can think about is Sam; too far into it with Ruby, he doesn't want her.

She shakes her head in a vain attempt to rid the memories; past, present and future. They key is where she left it, on the ledge above the door. The little click of the deadbolt sounds loudly against the painfully empty cabin, and she steps inside.

The pantry doors are ajar, she can almost picture it in her mind's eye how Sam and Dean were, no doubt, frantic that day in May when the demons took her. She's sure they raced around the cabin, packing their things, wracking their brains for possible leads. If they only knew she was barely twenty minutes away, surrounding by death and decay, BLTs and cups of soup; completely at the mercy of Lilith and her many, many powers.

Just about everything she owns in this life is still sitting at Bobby's house; her back pack, her wallet with her ID. She's had to make this whole trip with the random cash in her back pocket her gun with two bullets in it, and Ruby's knife tucked in her boot. Now she has a new brown canvas backpack, that she bought for $100 from the homeless man outside the second bus station. She couldn't just walk past him and his shopping cart, filled to the brim with everything he owned. She'd bought him a cup of coffee, a couple sandwiches and a big styrofoam container of soup and sat with him until the bus came. 

They'd had a brief conversation about how they'd gotten into their predicaments. His name was James, his story was short and simple; he'd trusted the wrong people. Lexi blew onto the dark contents of her paper cup to cool down the lava temperature coffee, nodding her head in agreement. When he asked about her story, all she could answer was, "Somethings never turn out the way you want them too, no matter how many times you try to make it work."

James watched her shiver in spite of the warm air. He dug in his shopping cart and pulled a Stanford hoodie out from a shopping bag. "Too small for me, it's yours if you want it."

Lexi looked down on the gray sweatshirt and traced the S with her pointer finger, thinking about the irony of it all. She shrugged it over her head and ripped the tags off. James looked her up and down, not in a creepy way, he had just been trying to figure her out. She'd let him look. Maybe if he could figure her out he could give her some insight, some answers, maybe a couple helpful hints; she sure as hell had no idea. 

After looking her over, James, dug in his cart again and handed her the brown canvas backpack. "Everyone needs a little something to hang on to."

Her bus number was called and she handed him the crisp $100 bill. James refused at first, but in the end he took it with a smile. 

Now Lexi sets the backpack on the floor of her cabin with an empty thud. All that she has is her gun, her version of Ruby's knife, the Stanford hoodie and a book she bought to pass the time on the bus ride from Goodspring, Nevada to Minnesota.The cabin smells just the way it always did, woodsy and like fresh saw dust. All smells of home, but not giving her any of the comforts that the word _home_ implies.

She drags her sore, exhausted and grief-filled body over to the couch and collapses on it, willing sleep to just take her, but it doesn't. It hasn't for days now. Not in the plastic chairs in the bus station, certainly not on Shady Van Guy's worn leather seats and not to the gentle hum that the Greyhound made as its engine and black tires brought her closer and closer to her home. Her eyes seem to have decided to be a perpetual shade of blood-shot red, and the skin below, a dark gray. She feels just as she looks; worn, beaten and broken.  

Knowing that the sleep she so desperately needs is never going to come, she sits up from the couch and fishes in her pockets. She pulls out a squished pack of cigarettes and a lighter, making it spark and igniting the cigarette. She's not smoked since she was a teenager and even though she's purchased a dozen or so packs over the past week or so, her lungs still object to the smoke. She coughs and looks around her cabin, never letting her eyes look at the upstairs bedroom. She can't even begin to go there, not now, maybe not ever. The thought of having to live her life without Sam and Dean, makes her insides feel the way the smoke from her cigarette curls up toward the ceiling; twists and turns, making little knots inside itself. 

She's long since given up on praying to Cas or God, blaming them both for her current situation. She curses God's name now, refusing to evoke it any manner similar to the way her mother and father taught her to as a child.  

She looks at the bare wall where her guitar used to hang, now in the trunk of her Chevy at Bobby's house. She looks at the now dusty piano in the corner, the empty coffee cups and bagless trashcan in the kitchen. It's when her eyes flicker over to the gray ashes in the fireplace, that Lexi sees it. There's a floor board that doesn't quite fit right, and it's not the one she kept the three Christmas presents hiding in, this one is different. She's never noticed it before. 

Heaving herself from the couch, flicking her half smoked cigarette in the fireplace, Lexi pries the floor board loose with the iron fireplace poker. She's not at all prepared for what's inside. 

She takes each jar and bag out, lining them up in front of her on the floor. She recognizes the ingredients, it's everything needed to summon a Cross Road demon. Before she even thinks. she scoops everything up in her arms and runs down the driveway to the cross road, between her property and Gabe's parents' property, she buries the box in the ground, growls some ancient words she's had committed to memory for some time now, and waits. When a man dressed in a dark suit and tie softly clears his throat, Lexi whips around, Ruby's knife clenched in her hand.

"I want to see Crowley," She growls.

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, little lady." The demons eyes flash red.

Tapping into the grace she'd long since forsaken, she's at the demons side in an instant with Ruby's knife pressed into his bobbing Adam's apple. "I want to see Crowley," she repeats herself, enunciating her words pointedly, to get her message across loud and clear.

With a roll of his red eyes and snap of his fingers, he's gone and she hears a familiar, "Hello, Poppet," behind her.

She spins around to face Crowley, he eyes the knife clenched in her hand suspiciously and she tucks it away in her tightly cinched belt.

"I want to make a deal."

"I figured as much, love. That's what I'm here for." A smirk spreads across his face as Crowley licks his lips.

"Same terms, ten years and I'm yours to do with as you please." She closes her eyes at her words, knowing full well her inevitable fate.

"For what, love? What do you need?"

"A fucking angel wiped Sam and Dean's memories of me.  Sam, he...he doesn't know who I am. I want you to give them, both Sam and Dean their memories back."

Crowley clucks his tongue in mock-sympathy. "You missing your dear ol' Moose? From what I hear he's got a new little lady, tiny little brunette, _dark_ eyes..."

"Will you do it, or what?" Lexi yells at him, her tone impatient.

He purses his lips, as if making a huge decision. "I will, but I have a few conditions," Crowley purrs with his trademark smirk.

"Such as?"

"I want a peak in the pretty little head of yours. I want to know what you know, how I get my throne. What makes me the King."

"Fine, but you look at what you need to look at. No snooping around in places where you don't belong," Lexi agrees firmly.

"Maybe not today, but when you're mine, I'll get to see everything." Crowley's hand touches the side of her face gently and she sees thousands of memories flash before her eyes. He clears his throat and takes a small step backwards. "Interesting, very interesting. I have a new condition."

Rolling her eyes, Lexi growls, "What?"

"I'll give your boys back their memories, give you ten years, but I'm leaving out any future knowledge. They won't do the same things if they know all your little spoilers, and I want my throne."

"Then you need to give them their original memories, of what would have happened over this past year." Lexi winces at two particularly painful memories for the boys; Dean seeing his demon doppelganger self, and Sam's run in with the Trickster. She always hoped she'd spared them from those memories. "They need to know what would have went on that year, or they won't be able to do it." Lexi's trying to keep her fear at bay, trying to keep her body from shaking and the tears forming in her eyes.

"I don't think so love. Ten years for memories of you, and that's all."

"Sam HAS to know about Dean! He has to know that his brother comes back! Please, Crowley. Let Sam know that."

Crowely stares at Lexi. "You're going to be a handle fun, aren't you?"

"Please," Lexi begs. "Sam and Dean remember me. Sam remembers that I told him his brother is coming back, ten years, and I'm all yours."

Already knowing his answer, Crowley keeps looking Lexi up and down, loving how it makes her squirm. Finally, after about twenty seconds that he knows feels like forever to Lexi, he says, "I'll give your boys back their memories of you, let Sam remember Dean comes back, give you ten years, then your soul is mine, Poppet." Pulling her close to his warm body, Crowley runs his hand down the side of Lexi's face. He raises his eyebrows at her hesitation. "Do we have a deal, love?"

Not letting herself even for one second think of what will become of her, she presses her lips against Crowley's. When she tries to pull away, he painfully grabs a fistful of her brown hair and keeps her in place for a minute longer. When he finally lets her go he whispers, "Just a preview of what's to come. We're going to have so much fun. Well, I am."

And he's gone.

Lexi slowly makes her way back up the driveway, forcing her shoulders to stay square and her chin to stay high. When she collapses into the bedroom just off the living room, Dean's bedroom, she almost immediately falls asleep. The last thought on her mind, _I'm officially a Winchester, now._ And she is, she sacrificed herself and just like John, Dean and Sam, she'll go to hell too.


	24. Chapter 24

Gasping for air, Sam sits straight up in bed.

For a millisecond, his brain hurts. It feels like a shotgun just went off in his brain and then thousands of memories flash painfully in his mind. He's covered in sweat and his hands are shaking. He remembers everything; the pain, love, want, need, grief, anger, remorse, _the betrayal_.  He remembers Lexi, he remembers her tears and her desperation to save Dean, to save him. He remembers his promises and his love for her, but it's the look on her face; the sheer terror that he caused the day he sent her away. He remembers that Dean is coming back to him in just days and then he can feel it; the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of utter abandonment and total uselessness. He knows it coming from Lexi, he can feel it like she's sitting right next to him.

His first instinct is to fly up off the bed and go to her, kiss away all her tears and sadness, tell her how much her loves her, how sorry he is for everything he's done, to tell her over and over again that he needs her and that she's loved, wanted and desired, but then her words echo in his mind, Y _ou're a monster, Sam, stay the hell away from me._ He pushes all those feelings aside. Lexi's right, he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it; his Ruby filled bed.

Her slightly sulfuric smell fills his nose as he lies back on the lumpy motel pillow. In the dark, he reaches over to the nightstand and grabs the small steel blade, he knows is there and rolls to face a sleeping Ruby. As gently as possible, he makes a small cut into the skin just below her collar bone. He watches the blood trickle from the tiny cut, pooling on Ruby's skin before making a crimson river, and for a second he almost gets up and leaves. He thinks of jumping in the Impala and following the sad and hopeless feeling in his heart until he finds Lexi, but the shiny blood is just too tempting. Need fills Sam all the way to his core, and he hates himself just a little bit more as he licks Ruby's skin clean, sucking at the cut and drinking as much down as he can, until he's had his fill and all thoughts of Lexi are gone.

For the moment.

*//*

Lexi doesn't know it, but she's been asleep for three days.

She collapsed on the bed that used to be Dean's and didn't move, save for the little twitches and grimaces from the nightmares she's been having.

She's been dreaming of seeing Sam with Ruby, watching, but not being able to move, as Sam laps up mouthfuls of Ruby's dark blood. In her dream, Lexi looks on helplessly, sees Ruby's mouth, twisted up into a sneer and sees icy black eyes digging deep into her blue ones. Dean stands on the other side of the room with tears dripping down his freckled cheeks, while he just watches Sam gorge himself on Ruby's demon blood. Dean stands still, looking at Sam and Ruby for only a moment, then turns his back, whips the amulet over his head and throws it across the room. Lexi tries to scream at both brothers, telling them to stop, but the whole room bursts into flames.

Suddenly she's in her house, the one from 2014 and everything's on fire, her girls screaming from their nursery, but Lexi can't move. The demon's got his huge hands wrapped around her nightshirt, dragging her down the stairs and out into the yard. He's beating her relentlessly, pounding her into the ground, while the hot flames behind her burn away everything she's ever loved.

Somewhere, in the place between dream and awake, Lexi can feel flames leaving their scorching kisses on her flesh. She wakes up and watches in horror as the pale green lace curtains covering the south window of the room are covered in flames, as are the walls and the floor; orange and yellow dancing up the bed skirt below her. It's when the burning sensation becomes all too real on her left leg, that she knows it's not a dream and this is all really happening.

The bedroom door is closed, it's oak body completely engulfed in flames; orange, red, yellow, green and blue flames taunt her, as they burn like the very fires of hell and block her way out. Panic fills her to the brim as she chokes on smoke and can no longer breathe. For a second, death by fire seems fitting as almost everyone else she's ever loved has died by fire, but her will to live kicks in (even though she's sure she lost that weeks ago) She jumps up from the bed and breaks the window painfully with her elbow. The flames kiss her cheeks and singe her hair as she lifts a leg over the window frame and heaves herself out of her burning cabin. She expects to land painfully on the ground, but strong arms gather her up and carry her to safety.

"Sam?" She whispers hoarsely from smoke inhalation.

"No, Sas, It's Gabe. You're safe. Is there anyone else inside?"

"No. Just me. Don't call me Sas," Lexi croaks. "M'not fourteen anymore."

Gabe chuckles, "Whatever you say, Sas."

Lexi gets overwhelmed by the handful of neighbors who came out of their homes to see the fire, the hustle and bustle of the firefighters trying to save her cabin and the EMTs cleaning up her wounds, but there's a face in the crowd that catches her attention for just a second. When she locks eyes with the face, rage courses through her body and all the windows in the emergency vehicles shatter. Everyone ducks at the sound of glass blowing out, except for Lexi and one other face in the crowd.

Ruby.

Lexi vaults out of Gabe's arm and runs after Ruby, but she gets only three steps and Ruby's gone. Gabe runs after Lexi and skids to a halt at her side as she scans the crowd.

"Sas? They said you shouldn't be up running around. Who ya lookin' for?"

"The bitch that did this, she tried to kill me. She's gonna get him killed. I have to go. I have to find Sam, he's not---"

Gabe catches Lexi as she passes out.

***

When she opens her eyes she sees green sheets covered with footballs. The air smells like cedar, faintly like cherries and aftershave. She knows the smell, but her mind is hazy and spinning all at the same time. With great effort, she rolls herself over, wincing as sore and tender flesh pulls.

On the walls there is one poster of Jenny McCarthy in a lime green bikini and another of Christina Aguilera. There's a banner tacked to the wall, _The Huskies_ plastered in blue, across its length. She recognizes it as her high school Alma mater's mascot. Her eyes drift over to the other side of the room and curled up and sleeping on a leather chair is a mop of curly sandy blonde hair she'd recognize anywhere.

"Gabe?" She calls out painfully, choking and coughing on her words. She winces at the feeling of razors in her throat. The sandy brown hair stirs on the chair and lifts his head to look up at her.

"Hey. Was wondering when you were gonna wake up. How you feelin'?"

"Throat hurts. Elbow, leg, arm," she pauses, "Everything hurts. Thirsty."

"Be right back." Gabe smiles and leaves the room.

Lexi looks around at the room she's not thought of in years. It seems like multiple lifetimes ago she'd spent hours in this very space, working on science projects, research papers, writing songs for gigs and doing things they'd hoped and prayed their parents never found about. Lexi blushes slightly as a particularly fleshly memory enters her mind. In just a minute, Gabe comes back with a bottle of water and a sandwich and notices her pink cheeks. He smirks, but doesn't say anything about them.

"My mom said you can stay as long as you need to." He hands her the sandwich, "But if you want, me, Paul, Lynn and Nicki are renting a place in town. That big place on Main? There's an empty room if you want it."

Gabe, Paul, Lynn, Nicki and Lexi had once played in the band together and Nicki had been 2008-Lexi's best friend.

As Lexi nibbles on her sandwich she thinks about it. The life she thought she was going to have, the one with Sam and Dean, was ripped out from underneath her when Zachariah warned her never to see them again. She knows he wasn't kidding when he threatened what would happen if she disobeyed. _Heaven's wrath is unspeakable_ , she remembers Cas telling her.

The soft white bread, turkey and lettuce scratch her already sore throat, but push the taste of burnt everything down her throat and she forces herself to eat as much as she can. Anything to rid her mind, even just a little bit, of the events from just hours before.

Ruby's face flashes in her mind; her cold black eyes and devilish grin. Before she can rein herself in, the light on the ceiling and the mirror on the wall shatters and Gabe throws himself on top of Lexi to protect her.

"What the hell was that?" Gabe asks, his forehead brushing Lexi's in the dark.

"Dunno," Lexi lies, knowing it would be impossible to tell Gabe the truth about anything. Gently pushing him up off her she changes the subject. "Is it gone?"

"Is what gone?" Gabe asks confused as he sits down on the bed next to Lexi.

"The cabin. Is there anything left?" Lexi whispers, picturing the black patch of earth back in 2014, visible from Bobby's window. Before she can catch herself, remind herself that she's forsaken Him, she thinks a silent prayer to God, begging him to please let there be something left.

"We can go see, if you want?" Gabe stands up from the bed, extending a hand out to Lexi. She takes it and lets him lead her out of the Olson home.

-

Gabe and Lexi walk hand in hand, down a driveway that they've walked down hundreds of times together. They pass the path to Lexi's rock, the sound of the river making it's way to their ears.

When Lexi sees it, she freezes stone still, but then lets her shoulders sag and her hand fall away from Gabe's. All that's left is the stone fireplace, standing almost tall and proud amongst the burnt black remains of the last place on this earth she could ever call home. Gabe tries to stop her as she takes a hesitant step into the charred remains of her home, but she shrugs out of his grasp. She knows she has to find it, it has to be there some where.

She rips down the yellow police tape, as she walks through what would have been the living room and kicks aside pieces of glass and black as night pieces of wood. She remembers she left her backpack somewhere near the couch which was only feet away from the fireplace.

"It's gotta be here," she whispers.

"What?" Gabe asks, curious as to what she thinks she'll find.

A ray of sunshine comes through the cloudy skies, the type of ray her mother used to call a 'God Ray' and a light glints off of metal, momentarily blinding Lexi.

"Please," Lexi begs to a God she no longer believes in, for the second time in an hour and right beside her foot, she sees it.

Ruby's knife.


	25. Chapter 25

"That's what you were looking for? A knife?" Gabe questions in disbelief while he watches Lexi carefully wipe the ash and soot off the knife in her hands.

Lexi doesn't answer, she's deep in thought, running scenarios through her head.

Ruby tried to kill her, almost burnt her alive in her own home and there's no way Ruby's going to just stop after the first attempt. Ruby's going to keep at it, keep trying until she finally succeeds. She might be a demon bitch, but Ruby can scheme and plot with the best of them. No one saw her plan to raise Lucifer before, no one sees it now, except Lexi.  To Ruby, Lexi's a threat to everything Ruby hopes to accomplish and they all know how demons dispose of threats. 

"I have to go," Lexi, mumbles as she turns and walks to the garage across the driveway from where her home once stood, tucking the knife in her belt.

She really does have to go and as much as she wishes she could make her way back to that section of woods off the highway, to meet Dean as he makes his way topside, she can't. She's not safe there, nor is she safe here, she's too out in the open. _Unprotected_. She needs to get to a safe place, a place with every kind of warding and sigil known to man, and she needs to get there quickly.

Lexi has hell after her; first Lilith, from whom she narrowly escaped, but it's not like Lilith is just going to leave her alone. Then there's Ruby, Lexi knows too much and the demons know it. They'll come for her, she's surprised they haven't already. If having hell after her isn't bad enough, she's also got heaven after her. There's no way Zachariah can be in the dark or pleased about her deal with Crowley. Lexi's sure him and his other flying monkeys will be gunning for her next. It's only a matter of time, she needs to hide. 

"Sas, you can't go. You need to rest, you're hurt." He jogs to catch up to Lexi, but she ignores him. "It's that Sam, isn't?" Gabe growls as he takes Lexi's arm roughly and pulls her to him. "He left you, Sas. He left you, but I'm here. I'm the one that saved you, I'm the one that took care of you, not him! It's always gonna be you and me, always."

"I don't have time for this!" Lexi screams, wrenching her arm away from Gabe's strong grip.

"MAKE TIME!" He roars, shoving her up against the log exterior of the garage. "You're not leaving. You're not going to him, he doesn't want you."

"How the hell do you know what he wants? What is the matter with you?" She pushes at his chest, but Gabe's strong from throwing hay bails, chopping fire wood, playing hockey and football.

"Sas, c'mon!" He grabs her wrist and twists. "You're coming with me."

"Gabe! Stop! You're hurting me!" She screams as he pulls her away from the side of the garage, her feet dragging in the dirt.

For a second she forgot, forgot all about the powerful grace imbedded in her soul and in her heart. The grace that killed a half dozen demons, held six foot four Sam Winchester up against the wall, the grace that shattered glass and gave her super speed against the vampires, the grace that's going to save her right now.

No, I'm not!" Lexi screams, feeling the grace spin and circle inside her.

Without laying a finger on Gabe, with out even moving a muscle, he flies ten feet backward and lands on his back in the driveway.

"Stay away from me," she warns as the grace winds itself back inside her. 

Gabe and Lexi's eyes lock for a second, but they both stay silent.  Lexi shakes her head and walks around the side of the garage to the door.

-

The electricity to the garage was knocked out from the fire, so she has to manually open the heavy garage door. Thankfully the door isn't locked and she opens it easily, taking in the sight before her.

It's the smell that hits her first; the saw dust combined with the constant smell of wood, of course, but it's the smell of oil, the smell of anti freeze and transmission fluid, filling the stale air. But, it's so much more than that.

It smells like the open road, like windows down, the wind blowing hair in her face, speeding down the highway.

It smells like the past and the future all at once. It smells like hope, loyalty and love, with the faintest traces of desperation, fear and need.

It smells like Dean in the drivers seat and Sam at his side, miles of highway every which way you look.

It smells like Zeppelin and AC/DC, and bass booming through speakers.

_It smells like home._

With a reverent hand, Lexi pulls the canvas cloth off the form in front of her, revealing one of her most prized possession left in this life, left in any life; the Scottsdale. It's tan body immaculate, not a scratch, a blemish or even a speck of rust. Lexi doesn't quite have the same relationship with her truck as Dean does with the Impala, but she loves it just the same. The truck wasn't her childhood home, Lexi had one of those, equipped with both her mom and her dad. She didn't grow up the way Sam and Dean did, but just like the Impala, Lexi's truck is filled with memories.

Before her uncle owned the truck, the 1983 Chevy Scottsdale was owned by none other than Anthony Garrison. Years went on and eventually Lexi's father sold it to Mark, who in turn drove it from one coast to the other and every where in between. This truck was Mark's home. He lived out of it, often times slept in it and when he drove from town to town, state to state, he did what all hunters do, he saved people. Then in 2007 when Mark was killed, Lexi inherited the truck and it was her everything, all the family she had left. Her mother was an only child, as is Lexi, and her father had just the one brother, Mark. When her parents died and then Mark, Bobby took her in for awhile and showed her the ropes, but when she struck out on her own, it was just her and the Scottsdale.

Casting the canvas to the dirt floor of the garage, she opens the door and slides into the driver's seat. Running her hands over the worn cloth and smooth vinyl of the bench seat, she smiles at past memories running through her mind, but stops cold when she remembers her future, her _right now_ and everything she still has to do. Memory lane is cut short and she flips down the sun visor, catching the keys before they fall into her lap. 

She pumps the gas pedal and turns the key over, a deep feeling of familiarity washing over her as the sound of the engine makes it's way to her ears. Lexi's sure the truck needs an oil change, a flush and tune up, but it'll have to wait another seven or eight hours. Driving the truck out onto the highway, she points it South on state highway 6 and makes her way to Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

*//*

Lexi doesn't see it, but Gabe stands up from the ground, dusting off his jeans and wiping the gravel from the palms of his hands. His lips are twisted into a sneer and his glare icy cold as he watches Lexi walk away from him, turning the corner of the garage and out of his line of sight. Lexi doesn't see her high school sweetheart ball his fists at his side as he turns to walk away, she doesn't see his eyes flick to jet black.

Gabe's not Gabe anymore. Thanks to Ruby, Gabe hasn't been Gabe for a long time.


	26. Chapter 26

Bobby Singer is putzing around the salvage yard one evening, trying to squeeze just a little bit of "legit" work in before the sun sets. He's got a half empty bottle of booze sitting on the work bench to his left, just within arms reach, as he puts parts in a box for an order.

Some prissy son of a bitch paid Bobby extra to pull some parts, so Mr. Suity Man didn't have to get his hands dirty. Well, Bobby doesn't know for sure if the guy wears a suit, but he knows for sure he's prissy. Or at least he's prissy in Bobby's eyes. _Can't pull his own parts, Jesus H. Christ._

He checks over his list, crossing off the parts Suity Man asked for, and sees that he's gotten everything. With a heavy sigh, Bobby grabs the plastic bottle off the work bench and slowly makes his way back to the house. He takes a couple long pulls from the bottle, as his feet drag through knee high length grass, letting out a soft growl at the fact the world continues even after everything that's happened. He doesn't care about the too long grass, there ain't much he cares about anymore.

Bobby's never slept much to begin with, he's always digging up lore and info for hunters blowing up his phones, calling at hours of the night. Because of this, Bobby's always been more of a "napper", stealing winks here and there; on the saggy couch, in his recliner or at his desk, using dusty and musty books for pillows. And he's always been fine with it, but lately he's not even getting that. Every time he shuts his eyes, he sees Dean Winchester, bloody and ripped to shreds on the floor. He sees Dean's body resting in the bottom of that pine box and he just can't get the images out of his head.

Like Dean, when Bobby heard of Mark's niece, Lexi, coming back from the future, Bobby had a smidge of hope that maybe Dean, his son for all intents and purposes, wouldn't be dragged to hell to burn for all eternity. He thought that maybe since Lexi went on about her mission: Save Dean, that there was a snowballs chance. And not that he holds Lexi responsible for it, because he doesn't, he just feels like there's no such thing as true miracles. There's always a catch, and those catches are never pretty.

For weeks now, Bobby's been trying to get in touch with Sam and Lexi both, but he's never gotten far. Sam's answered Bobby's calls just a handful of times and they've all been short and succinct, but he's never gotten through to Lexi. He's tried the one phone number Sam texted him awhile back and then another phone Sam once told him she had, but that phone ended up being in her pack that she left behind the last time she was at Singer Auto Salvage. After that, no dice.

He's put out all his feelers, had hunters keep an eye out for her, even had Rufus swing by the tiny town in Northern Minnesota, but he reported back to Bobby that the cabin was empty. The news just didn't sit right with Bobby. It didn't take a hunter's instinct to know something was going on, but he just couldn't figure out what.

It's well into the evening and Bobby's just gotten off the phone with a hunter over in Sacramento, chasing down a Crocotta and digging up the lore had been tricky, but Bobby's good and he found it. _Of course he found it._

As he puts away a stack of thick and heavy books, he hears a vehicle make it's way up his driveway. Being the paranoid old coot that he is, he grabs his trusty sawed off and stomps over to the door.

The clock with the cracked glass, hanging on the wall tells him that it's almost midnight and as he hears a door slam outside, he thinks to himself, _This better be good._ And it is. In fact, it's better than good.

It's Lexi.

***

After she'd passed all Bobby's tests; a healthy dash of holy water and a slice to the arm with his little silver knife, Bobby greeted Lexi like they were old friends.

"So where the hell haveya been?" Bobby starts with a big smile, as he leads Lexi to the couch next to his desk.

"All over the place," she replies cryptically, taking the tumbler of whiskey that Bobby offers her.

She hopes he doesn't press the issues, because she's not sure what's safe to tell him. She'd had seven hours behind the wheel to figure everything out, to get her story straight, but nothing played out the way she wanted it to. She knows both demons and angels are on her ass, both wanting her for various reasons, namely her knowledge and she doesn't want to share too much with Bobby. She's afraid if he knows the wrong thing, everything will go up in smoke. Literally and figuratively, mostly literally.

Bobby watches her curiously as she swirls her whiskey in her glass. It's cheap whiskey and no amount of oxygen added to the liquid is going to make it taste better. It sure as hell isn't going to develop a lighter or fresher taste, it's going to taste just like it always does, which doesn't matter. Taste isn't why Bobby drinks the booze in the first place, but Bobby'd rather not think about that.

They both sit in silence, drinking their drinks and Bobby's eyes wander to where the three inch cut on the inside of her arm should be. Not ten minutes ago, it looked like a normal cut. He had watched the blood rise to the surface of her skin, handed her a clean enough handkerchief and that was that, but now the handkerchief is resting in Lexi's lap and the cut completely gone.

"So, your angel mojo. Care to share with the rest of the class?" Bobby urges her to open up just a little bit, but she just purses her lips. "The grace your angel friend shoved up in ya?" He asks, remembering Lexi's drunken ramblings from the night her and Sam made their way to his house.

"Yup," She answers flatly. "Have you heard from Sam?"

Bobby watches her face light up as she mentions the younger Winchester boy and then watches as that same light fades away. He still doesn't know exactly what went on downstairs in his panic room and is pretty sure he wouldn't get a straight answer from Lexi even if he asked.

"A couple calls here and there, but I've gotten the same half ass answers from him as I'm gettin' from you. Lexi, I can't help you if you don't clue me in a little."

When Lexi doesn't answer, (and Bobby figured she wouldn't) he stands up from the couch and digs behind his desk, pulling out her leather backpack and her version of John Winchester's journal.

"Bobby," she looks up at the man, worried and afraid, "You didn't read that, did you?"

Bobby shakes his head, "I stared at it for three days, managed to muster up the balls to open up the buckle, but never cracked it, not once. I ain't no idjit, girl!."

"No, I know you're not."

Digging around in her pack, Lexi produces Sam's anti-possession necklace and the corded amulet Cas gave her. She slips them over her head and stares down at the opal stone, longingly. She's still got her golden wedding band on her finger, she'll never take that off, but the little diamond ring sits in the bottom of the wooden box, nestled in her backpack.

"Sometimes I miss him so much that I think I might break in two. Then other times, other times I get so mad at him..."

"I know, hun." Bobby sits next to her on the couch and pats her knee. "I know."

"He blames me for Dean." Lexi mumbles through a sob, "That's why he...But I swear, I wanted to stop it, I wanted to save him so badly. I would have done anything to save both of them, anything, but when I tried...I wanted to..."

Sobs take over her body and she's unable to continue. Bobby takes the glass from her hands and pats her back as she sobs her eyes out in her palms. "It's okay," Bobby whispers, "It'll be okay."

 _No it won't_ , Lexi thinks, but doesn't say it out loud. _No it won't._

*//*

Lexi stays at the salvage yard for three days, making Bobby his favorite dishes for supper, washing his clothes and cleaning up months worth of dust around the house. She doesn't think he's watching her, but he sees her jump each and every time one of his phones buzzes on the wall and he knows it's because she hopes it's Sam. It never is.

He's surprised as how knowledgeable she is and how quick she finds her way around his "organizational system". She digs up lore in barely ten minutes on a random hell monster that Bobby's never even heard of. When he asks her about it, she simply replies, "Went up against one back in the day. Nasty suckers, huh?"

***

Early in the morning of September 18th, Bobby hears her up and around at six AM. He wakes up from his desk, a yellowed page stuck to his face and sees her shoving her clothes in her bag. 

"You headin' somewhere on this fine mornin'?" Bobby teases her. 

Lexi freezes, she'd wanted to sneak out before Bobby woke up. Wanted to be as far away from Singer Salvage long before Bobby roused, but that didn't happen. 

Part of her wants to be at that grave site in Illinois, but knows angels are going to be tuned in to the location like nobody's business and she just can't risk it. 

In just a few short hours, Dean's going to be at that Phillip's joint, alone, scared and confused and it kills her that she can't be there. But what kills her more is that Bobby's looking at her with sad and lonely eyes and she can't tell him the best news he'd hear in months. 

"You think Rufus would mind if I use his cabin out in Montana for awhile?" 

"Why can't ya stay here?" Bobby wonders as he pours himself a glass of whiskey for breakfast.

Letting out a heavy sigh, she slings her leather backpack over her shoulder and answers, "Just need a little time to clear my head, ya know? I need to figure some stuff out. I'm here and nothin worked out...things aren't going as planned and I'm stuck here. Just need to figure out what I'm going to do. I'll be back and I'll keep in touch, I swear I will."

Bobby nods his head and walks over to her, "I know the world is shit right now, but if you need anything, anything at all, I'm here. And I'll tell Rufus 'bout you using his cabin, he won't mind one bit. But you're sure I can't convince you to stay?" 

"Thanks Bobby, but no.." She says when he pulls her into a hug. "I'll call you when I get there."

"You takin' the Scottsdale or the new one? I fixed the windshield on the Caviler." 

"The Caviler, better gas mileage." She smiles at Bobby. "Go ahead and use the truck if you need it." Just as she walks out Bobby's door, she turns around as says, "Today's going to be a good day, Bobby. Things are going to get better."

Bobby scoffs with a smile as he watches her get in the little shiny blue car and steer it down his driveway. After she's gone, he sits back down at his desk and pours himself another drink, the silence of his old house deafening.

Three hours later, he knows exactly what she meant. Dean's back. 

*//*

"You just let her go?" Dean yells at Bobby as they're driving to Illinois. 

"She may just be a Winchester through marriage, but she's just as stubborn as the rest of ya. Can't believe she didn't tell me!" Bobby complains. 

"She's pretty tight lipped about the future. Her not telling you doesn't surprise me, but what I don't get is why her and Sammy broke up, or what the hell ever."

Dean doesn't understand at all. Sam jumped head first into Lexi when she came back and Dean knew he would. He saw the way Sam looked at Lexi, he saw they way they moved and it was like they'd been together for years and Dean just can't wrap his mind around how it could have gone from that to this.

"She said something about him blamin' her for you... Doesn't make a lick-a sense to me, but I didn't press it. She wasn't in a real talkin' mood." Bobby hands Dean his phone, "Maybe she'll talk to you?"

When the phone call goes straight to voice mail three times, Dean tosses the phone down on the bench seat between he and Bobby and slams his fists on the steering wheel of the Scottsdale. Both he and Bobby stay silent for the remainder of the drive to Illinois.

*//*

When Sam wakes up the morning of the 18th, all he wants to do is get on the road and drive the Impala to his brother's grave. What stops him cold is the mere thought that the future might have changed, that he might get to Dean's grave and find it exactly the way he left it and he knows he won't live through that. If today doesn't happen exactly the way Lexi said it would, Sam doesn't know what he'll do. He knows just the thought of his brother being where he's been for the last few months has sent him in a tailspin, but Lexi's words have anyways been in the back of his head, keeping him sane. 

Sam wonders is Lexi'll tell Dean what he's been doing with Ruby all these months. If she'll tell him what he did to her; leaving her all alone and sending her away with the angel banishing sigil.

When Sam lets his guard down, when he lets his mind wander, his thoughts always land on Lexi; what she's doing, where she is, if she's safe and the guilt he carries around with him over what he did, but Ruby's metallic demon blood always sends those thoughts and all the guilt away. Ruby's blood quenches the thirst inside him, the thirst for revenge, but it only masks the thirst for his brother and the thirst for Lexi. It's only when his mouth is lapping her blood up from the little cuts he makes on Ruby's willing body, does his mind feel crisp and sharp, freeing him of the things that weigh his body and soul down, but it's only temporary. Those few moments, when he's had his fill of her blood, are the only moments that doesn't feel the longing inside himself, it's the only time he doesn't ache.

Sam hates what he's become, he hates himself every time he makes a slice into Ruby's skin, but the instant her blood hits his tongue, all that's gone. It's his drug and he knows how badly he needs it.

But all those feelings go straight out the window the second he sees his brother standing in the doorway of his motel room with Bobby. Lexi was right all along, Dean came back and when the brothers embrace for the first time in months, Sam feels a moment of regret, but Lexi's words echo in his mind; _you're a monster Sam, stay the hell away from me_. Like she said, he's made his bed and he gets to lie in it.

*//*

Contrary to what she told Bobby, Lexi doesn't go to Montana. She knows full well if she does, it'll only be a matter of time before Dean parks the Impala in front of the cabin and she can't have that. God only knows what Zachariah will do if she goes anywhere near either of the Winchesters. 

Still, knowing that she shouldn't, knowing its a huge risk, Lexi drives to Illinois. She parks her car on the opposite side of town as Sam's motel room and takes a cab to the diner across the street from where she knows Sam and Dean will be, and just watches. 

Her throat catches when she sees Dean and Bobby step out of the Scottsdale and it's all she can do to keep her tears at bay when she watches Bobby and Dean walk up to the motel, their strides matching each others. As the step inside the building of the motel, she plays absent-mindedly with the angel charm around her neck. 

Cas said it would keep her off any angel's radar, but she can't risk it, not yet. She knows it won't be long before Dean finds her, he and Sam taught her all the tricks to stay hidden and she'll use them, but they won't work forever. So she makes her way back to her car and points it in the opposite direction as Sam and Dean.


	27. Chapter 27

The motel Lexi picks on this particular night is a dank and musty one, and sure, she has the cash to get something with a five star rating, but she doesn't. These shabby little motels feel like home to her, well, as close to home as she can get. What would really feel like home would be her cabin, nestled back in the woods and away from everything. Or her real home, the one with the pink bedroom just down the hall from the living room, with the apartment above the garage, the house that no matter how many candles she lit, still smelled like gun powder and leather. Neither of those places exist anymore, they're both just black marks on the earth, both burned away into nothing by demons.

She's sitting on the bed, wrapped up in scratchy motel blankets because it's the dead of winter now and the pathetic little heater on the wall can't keep up with the cold and snowy weather outside. The TV flickers softly in the room, but Lexi's not looking at it. She's looking out the window, watching the snow flutter and fly in the beam of light coming down from the tall bright lamp in the parking lot. She's been alone for months now, ignoring every phone call that comes in on her cell.

There's been dozens from Dean, his messages started off just asking her to call him to let him know that she's safe, but lately they've changed. He's leaving voice mails in that gruff voice she's not familiar with, barking questions about Sam's weird behavior, wanting to know what's going on, but she just deletes the messages, knowing she couldn't possibly explain.

Bobby's called a couple of times too. The first one letting her know that Rufus informed him she never made it to Montana. Another reminding her of her promise to keep in touch and to swing by the salvage yard once in awhile. His messages never with the same harsh tone as Dean's but it's harsh enough. The most recent call from Bobby, yesterday, let her know that he had been hearing a rattle coming from the Scottsdale and no matter what he did, no matter what he checked, he couldn't find the source, but promised he'd keep it in tip top shape for her when she finally made it back to his neck of the woods.

There's one call that she's been waiting for, it's the reason she lunges at her phone when it rings, but the call never comes. Sam's not called her once. Sometimes the thought of Sam makes her so furious that the light bulbs burst or picture frames in her motel room shatter, the glass clinging to the tacky carpet, no matter how many times housekeeping vacuums.

The first night she came back to 2007, she fully prepared herself (or at least she tried) for the possibility that 2007 Sam might not want her, that 2007 Sam might not be in the right place to be with her and that would have been okay because her mission was to keep the boys safe so that maybe someday both Sam and Dean would be _her_ Sam and Dean.  But it's the fact that Sam did want her, he did want to be with her. She had tried to tell him the first night at the cabin, in the bathroom when he asked her to shower with him, she had tried to tell him he had to be sure, that she couldn't lose him again, but before she could get the words out Sam cut her off with a kiss and said he'd never been more sure than anything. _That_ is what is killing her inside, _that_ is what makes her livid; Sam went back on his word, he went back on all his promises, he lost faith in himself, he lost faith in her and he'd left her, left her all alone.

Again.

***

Once Lexi gets in the habit of checking into motel rooms again, she gets back into that mindset and falls back into old habits.  Over the last few months she's kept moving, only staying in towns for no more than a week. She's gotten several fake id's and always checks in under fake names, but never resorting to credit card fraud. She's got plenty of money so she doesn't need to do that. She is fully aware that Sam, Dean, Bobby and who ever else is trying to find her, can track her by her bank card. So when Lexi does use her card, she takes out as much money at one time as she can and then hits the road, trying to put as many miles between that ATM and her car.

To her knowledge, it's only been once that Dean's come close to catching her. She'd taken out some cash in one town and then drove a state and a half over before her phone buzzed on the seat next to her. It was Dean and she let it go to voice mail, but he'd left an angry message letting her know he was on to her. She'd taken a hard right as soon as she listened to the message and high tailed it the opposite way, not wiling to risk Zachariah coming for her or him sending his hoard of flying monkeys her way.

That was two weeks ago.

Lexi's got $100 in her pocket and she needs gas. She pulls into a gas station and fills her Chevy up, grabbing some road food: a huge cup of coffee and several bottles of water. When she gets up to the cashier, she knows she's leaving town, so she uses her card, but it's declined. After three more attempts, the poor teenage cashier hands her card to her with a sad face, and Lexi give him some of her precious cash.

Back in her car she calls her bank back in Minnesota and talks with Linda again. Linda explains that she had transferred the money just like Lexi asked her to. Quickly Lexi informs Linda that she'd made no such call and demands to know where the money went. After an hour of digging, Linda seems to have no record of the bank account to which the money was transferred. Recounting the phone call, Linda explains that the woman who impersonated Lexi knew all the required information and was adamant that the transaction take place as soon as possible.  Lexi's call is transferred to the bank manager and he promises that he'll do everything he can to locate her money.  She thanks the bank manager and ends the call, knowing full well where her money is and who pretended to be her.

Ruby.

With thirty seven dollars in her pocket, Lexi drives until she can't keep her eyes open. She has no idea what to do, she has no money, no home, no family, she's completely alone. In desperation, she pulls her car over on the side of the road, fishes in the trunk for a hidden bottle of tequila and drinks until she passes out in the back seat.

***

For six weeks, Lexi keeps a roof over her head and food in her belly by playing guitar at the local coffee shop and in the two dive bars in town. She makes just enough to pay the weekly rate for her seedy motel room, her tips and weekend house keeping for said seedy motel, barely enough for food and basic necessities. It's been a rough few weeks, what with playing in the coffee shops during the day, then the bars at night and housekeeping on the weekends, all of that doesn't leave a lot of time for sleep, but Lexi manages. As an extra precaution, she paid the woman at the desk some of her hard earned cash to hide the fact that she's staying there, letting the lady know she'd like to avoid visitors. The woman seemed to understand and promised to help her out.

Late on a Sunday evening, while sitting in a motel room she knows she's been in too long, her phone rings. She's so lonely that she answers it with out looking at the ID, she doesn't care who it is, she just wants to talk to someone. It's Bobby.

"So you are alive!" He yells into the phone.

"Barely." Lexi mutters, cursing herself for the slip. She knows she has to be strong, she has to figure this whole other life out on her own.

"If I ask you where you are, wouldya tell me?"

"You and I both know that if you wanted to find me, you could now that I've answered the phone. I'm safe, Bobby, I swear it."

"Kinda like you swore you'd keep in touch, swing by the place once in awhile?" Bobby growls. "Them boys are looking for you, ya know."

"I'm sure Dean is." Lexi replies dryly. Though, because she was secretly hoping Dean would find her, she laid a path of bread crumbs that only Dean would find, or at least she hoped only Dean would find.

"You're good at hidin', that much is clear, but they're good at findin' people who don't want to be found."

"I'm well aware. But Bobby, I gotta go. I'm exhausted and I am sorry for everything. For not answering your calls, for not letting you know where I've been, for not telling you about Dean. God, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't. I can't explain, but I couldn't tell you."

"I know, kid, I know. You take care of yourself and don't be a stranger, ya hear? Your secrets are safe with me. Talk to you soon, right?" Bobby's words are more like a warning rather than a question and Lexi can't help but laugh.

"Yes, I'll talk to you soon. Bye Bobby."

"Bye."

Tossing her phone down on the bed, Lexi looks around her dingy little motel room. She's Sharpie'd demon and angel warding all over the walls, she's got various protection herbs and charms hanging above the door and window and she'd even cast a couple spells on her room, banishing unwanted visitors. So far, she's not seen any signs or omens that demons had been following her and she's been checking very carefully, knowing that Ruby's got it out for her. Of course, Lexi doesn't go anywhere with out a flask of holy water, a small canister of salt, Ruby's knife or her gun. She's taking no chances. With the last of her money, before Ruby stole it all, Lexi had the anti possession tattoo inked on her chest along with some Enochian to hide from angels. She'd been forced to eat Ramen noodles for two weeks, but it was well worth it.

*//*

It had taken some convincing, but Dean finally got Bobby to spill Lexi's location. And even though he'd promised Bobby that he's steer clear of Lexi, it's not the first time Dean's told a little lie. He's not stupid, of course Dean knows something's going on with Lexi. No matter how many times he's tried to bring up the situation with Sam, Dean's questions were dodged and each time Sam hollered at his brother to let it be, Dean was more hell bent on finding Lexi. He refuses to leave her alone, refuses to let her be directly in harms way and he vows as he drives through the night to the town Lexi's taken refuge.

But finding Lexi had been trickier than Dean anticipated. She's covered her tracks well, it seems to him that she's carried on with tradition and has been using fake names, jumping around from place to place but he knows he's so close. He can just feel it. 

Sam's off with Bobby, canvassing an old warehouse, looking for a nest of vamps, so Dean's taken the opportunity to drive the streets of this tiny town and look for Lexi. He's just checked out the two motels in town, one of which he's sure she's staying at, but the motel front desk lady was pretty tight lipped and was stingy with information. 

Dean drove the whole night through to get here and he wants nothing more than just a few hours of shut eye, but focuses on the task at hand; checking out all the local hang outs to see if anyone has seen a woman matching Lexi's description. He's come up empty handed so far, but has two places left to check out. 

Opening the door to a hole in the wall coffee shop, Dean feels completely out of place in his suit and tie get up. As soon as he steps inside, he sees a small crowd of people in jeans and hippy tee shirts, flowy skirts and scarves, but no one pays any mind to Dean, they're all watching the woman playing her guitar in the corner of the shop. They're all watching Lexi. 

When Dean sees her, he can't help but let the smile form on his lips, but remembers that he's trying to keep a low profile, so he orders himself a coffee, ignoring the barista's odd look when he asks for a plain coffee and not some soy vegan crap, and takes a seat behind a guy in a tie dye shirt. 

Right away Dean notices Lexi looks thinner than he remembered her, it's obvious she's not been eating the way she should be and definitely no road food  Her hair is much longer, tied in a loose ponytail and hanging over her shoulder as she strums her guitar, singing an acoustic song he's never heard. Her voice sounds tired and worn out, lonely even. The unfamiliar song is haunting, yet soulful, but not about love. It's about something else all together. 

_Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by. Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly._

_We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside. Somewhere we live inside. We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside_.

Dean wonders if Lexi just likes the song, if it was a request or if there's a deeper meaning in the words. He takes note that even though she looks sad and tired, lonely and afraid, she also looks peaceful as she strums the strings of her guitar, almost like it's an extension of herself. It occurs to him that she's more than likely been alone for these past few months, with no one to talk to, no one to help fill the loneliness, but when she sings on that little stage, she can let it all out. She can sing whatever she wants because there's a room full of strangers listening to her, but not really knowing her. 

_Dreaming about Providence and whether mice or men have second tries. Maybe we've been livin' with our eyes half open. Maybe we're bent and broken, broken._

_We want more than this world's got to offer. We want more than this world's got to offer._

Dean doesn't mean to keep staring at her, doesn't mean to keep watching her, but he can't help himself. He feels bad for her. There have been so many times where Dean's felt alone and it's not a pleasant feeling. For the past few years, he's always had Sam at his side, but Lexi is truly alone and he vows to change that right there. 

_We want more than the wars of our fathers and everything inside screams for second life._

As Lexi continues with the song, she looks up and before Dean can duck behind the tie dyed form in front of him, their eyes lock. Her fingers stumble on the strings, but quickly find themselves again and she finishes, strumming out the final cords softly and then rests her guitar against her chair. She pulls the microphone closer to her and clears her throat as the crowd applauds. _  
_

"Thank you." She says to the coffee shop with a forced smile. "You guys have been great and I've really enjoyed playing in this little _funkytown_." Her eyes landing directly on Dean as she sneaks in one of the code words he taught her, in her past, but his future.

"They only let me play until six," she says, gesturing at the clock, "But I'll be back tomorrow and for as long as they have me. Thank you again."

Immediately, Dean recognizes the code word and his eyes dart around the coffee shop, looking for possible threats. When his eyes travel back up to the stage, Lexi's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics borrowed from Switchfoot's Meant To Live.  
> I heard the song play earlier and I loved the lyrics, especially the "we want more than the wars of our fathers"  
> Seemed fitting for the Winchesters.


	28. Chapter 28

For just a second, Dean stares at the empty chair on stage of the coffee shop. He blinks a couple times, hope waxing and then waning with each eye flicker that Lexi will be sitting up there when he looks again, but she isn't.

He couldn't explain it even if he tried. Dean didn't have very many people in his life that he cared for; Sam, Bobby...yeah, that's about it, the list was never very long to begin with, but Lexi had changed that.

When Dean came back, woke up six feet under with barely any oxygen to pull into his lungs, he was confused and scared, sure, but it was the alone feeling that got to him. He wanted his brother at his side, he wanted to see Bobby, wanted to smell that old bastard's stuffy house and see his cluttered office with piles of books, papers and the arsenal of guns leaning up against the wall, just with in arms reach. He wanted all those things, but he wanted to see Lexi too.

Sure, Sam and Bobby pulled him into tight and fierce hugs, each telling Dean that everything was going to be fine now that he was back, but there was that momentary flicker in both Sam's and Bobby's eyes, that sliver of _unknowing,_ that made Dean ache inside. That's why he has to find Lexi, _has to_. Lexi had been honest with him, that day on the river. She told him how he would be when he got back, _broken, but you heal_.  And Dean needs to hear that again. He needs to know that this feeling, this emptiness, this wretched abyss inside himself, will either subside or just get pushed down with all the other shit Dean carries inside himself. Either way, he feels like he needs Lexi to say those four words to him again.

Dean is pissed that Sam let Lexi go. And though he never got his brother to spill what had actually happened, Dean saw the look of shame plastered across Sam's face at the mere mention of Lexi. It was that _one little look_ that told him it was Sam who left Lexi and not the other way around. But Dean had suspected that in the beginning; the way Lexi looked at Sam that first night and every night until the day she was taken, Dean knew there was no way she'd let him go. She looked at Sam like he was her everything, like a part of her had finally returned and really, a part of her did. But then she lost him again and Dean just couldn't even fathom how that felt.

He had lost the most important thing in this world to him, once. Sam had died in Dean's arms that night in Cold Oak, kneeing down in the mud, lying to Sam, telling him that "it wasn't that bad".

Dean carried his brother's cold and lifeless body into that rotting cabin and lied him down on that crusty mattress, just staring for the longest time. His whole world was lying on that mattress and his whole world was dead, but Dean did the only thing he could do and he never regretted it for a second; not when those Hellhounds ripped him to shreds and not when Alastair hacked him up until there was nothing left, not ever. Knowing all of this, Dean tried to imagine getting Sam back just like he did, having him hunt, eat, drink, ride in the Impala, all by his side, only to lose Sam all over again - because that's basically what Lexi had to go through. Lexi had lost everything she once loved and then got part of it back, she got a redo; something everyone wishes for, but no one ever gets. She got Sam back, she got Dean back, only to have them ripped away all over again.

Dean tries to imagine losing Sam all over again and he just can't. It's too hard, too painful. So he does what he can do. He drives into the sinking sun, looking for Lexi's motel.

***

At the first motel Dean stops at (for the second time since he's been in this town) he asks the man behind the counter if there is a woman matching Lexi's description staying at there. To Dean's surprise, the man checks his book once again, showing it to Dean. The motel clerk points to the five people staying his establishment, two are women who don't match Lexi's description and the other three are males. Dean can tell the clerk is telling the truth and he leaves, driving to the next motel.

The same woman is standing behind the desk as the first time he was there and Dean can tell she recognizes him right away. She purses her lips and stands up from the faux-leather chair.

Dean puts every dollar that he has in his pocket down on to the counter (well over two grand, he hustled pool in a couple of bars on his way here) and just looks at the lady. "Please, I know she's here."

Dean watches the lady's eyes flicker down to the crinkled wad of cash and then watches as they register guilt, it's clear she could really use the cash. Just when Dean thinks she's going to cave, she pushes the money back toward him. "She's not," and she hands her tattered maroon ledger to Dean.

Dean looks down at the names and sure enough, there's no female names listed, but there's one male name that sets off all kinds of bells, whistles and alarms in his head. _Jim Rockford._ Dean touches the name with his fingers and looks up at the name of the hotel - The Aardvark Inn - undoubtedly the first motel listed in the yellow pages, since it's the first real word in the dictionary. Jim Rockford being the name he and Sam used to check into the first motel listed in yellow pages when they got separated. He knows she's there.

"And Mr. Rockford," Dean asks carefully, "What room is he in?"

The woman purses her lips tighter together, so tight that there's just a hint of pink where her lips should be. "If you hurt her," she lifts a shot gun up from behind the formica motel desk, "It'll be the last thing you do."

"Duly noted," Dean answers with a smile and a nod.

Tucking the shot gun back under the desk, the lady whispers, "Ten."

Dean practically runs out of the lobby and down the cracked sidewalk to the tenth door. The first thing he sees are the little symbols, wardings and sigils all around the frame of the door, but it takes a trained eye to see them. They're not painted in the red spray paint that the Winchesters use so often, they're painted in varnish, completely clear against the brown wooden door frame. Dean smirks at Lexi's sneaky tricks, he's surprised he didn't think of this himself. Below his feet there's a devils trap, painted with the same clear varnish into the cement. This one is a little more obvious, but then again who goes to a motel to check out the curbside appeal?

Dean breathes in a deep breath and wipes the palms of his hands on his jeans. Once he lets out his breath, he knocks on the door and takes a step backwards. After a few seconds, when no one answers, Dean tries again, knocking just a bit harder this time. 

"Lex? You in there?" 

"Dean?" A voice just barely comes through the ancient wooden door.

For the first time in weeks, Dean's shoulders relax and an honest to goodness smile forms on his lips. "Yeah, Lex, it's me." He jiggles the door handle for just a second and then jumps backward as a sharp zap of electricity comes through the metal door handle. "What the hell was that?" Dean yells in a shaky voice, feeling the electricity is coursing through him.

"How do I know it's you?" Lexi growls, still on the other side of the door, not mentioning the jolt Dean just endured.

"Uh, Christo?" Dean mumbles, voice still a little shaky, flexing his tingling hand, open and closed.

"Okay, so you're not a demon. But how do I know it's _you?_ "

"What the hell else could I be?" As soon as Dean says it, he realizes how it was the dumbest thing he's ever said in his life. There are thousands of things he could be, _duh_. "Alexis Elizabeth Winchester. Garrison, before that. You were born in 1988 in Minnesota and uh, you worked in a diner in high school."

"Congratulations, you can hack police records!" Lexi shouts through the door. "You have five seconds to convince me that you're Dean-God-Damn-Winchester, or," Dean hears  a gun cock, "Or, you're fucking dead.  Five."

"Jesus Christ, Lex--"

"Four."

"Okay, okay!"

"THREE!"

"I, uh, you--" Dean stammers.

"TWO!!"

"I FIXED THE RATTLE ON THE SCOTTSDALE!" He shrieks in a voice he'll never admit to ever having used.

Silence.

"You left the Scottsdale at Bobby's and he said he couldn't figure out what the rattle was! Gave her a ten minute once over, now it's gone!" Dean spits out his words, not doubting for a second Lexi would shoot him through the door.

Silence.

"Lex?"

"I saw you driving it." Lexi answers in a small voice. "The day you came back. I saw you and Bobby."

"Why didn't you...how come you didn't say anything?"

"Can't." Lexi blurts. "Can't, or they'll..."

"They? They, WHO!" Dean growls, reaching for the door knob again. "SONOFABITCH!" He yells again, yanking his hand back. "What the fuck is that?" The same jolt of electricity running through his hand and up his arm.

"Dammit! SORRY!"

Dean hears Lexi mumble something, words that almost sound like Latin and then the door opens.

"Heya, Lex." He beams at her, just taking a second to actually look at her.

Lexi ignores his pause and pulls him into the room by the hand, shutting the door behind him, once again whispering the foreign words. Dean watches as a violet shimmer makes it's way over the door and the frame, disappearing before he can even think.

"What the---" but his words are cut off when Lexi pulls him into a tight hug. It takes him a second, but Dean wraps his arms around her and returns the gesture. 

"You're back," She whispers into his chest. "I knew you were, I saw you, but you're here and..." She looks up at Dean with tears streaming down her cheeks. "You're back."

Dean opens his mouth to say something to Lexi, but his eyes flick up at the walls and ceiling, they're completely covered with the same symbols he saw outside on the door frame. Protection symbols from various cultures and religions, banishing and warding sigils that he recognizes and some that he's ashamed to admit to himself that he's not familiar with. _Funkytown_ sounds in his head, in Lexi's voice. He kisses the top of her head and gently pulls himself out of her arms, leading her to the tattered sofa along the wall.

"You gotta tell me, what's with the chicken scratch, the over zealous joy buzzer door knob and Funkytown?" He raises an eyebrow at Lexi, "What's going on? Are you in trouble?

Immediately Lexi looks at her feet. _Well, Dean, here's the skinny. Your brother is fucking Ruby, maybe you already knew that, but he's drinking her blood too. He sent me away with an angel banishing symbol. I didn't really know it would work, but I guess when you got grace shoved up inside you, angel banishing symbols will blow you all the way to Kingdom Come. Well, not Kingdom Come, not for me anyway, it was just a field, but in that field, an angel who is pissed off at me, wiped you and your brother's memories and threatened to rain all kinds of shit storms on us if I went anywhere near you and Sam. So I made a deal with Crowley, you remember him? You shot him while I was naked in my kitchen, about to make a deal - my soul for yours? Yup, that Crowley. I made a deal my soul for your memories, got ten years though. Ruby burned down my house, tried to kill me, stole all my money and I've been holed up in fleabag places like this, painting all kinds of shit on the walls, hoping to keep both heaven and hell off my ass. So yeah, in a manner of speaking, I'm in trouble. Oh yeah, and I can kill demons and break glass when I'm pissed off.  
_

Yeah, how the hell could she tell Dean all of that? She can't. She just can't.

"Lex, hey." He gently tilts her chin up so her face is tilted up to his, but she still won't meet his eyes. "Are you in trouble?"

Not meeting Dean's eyes, Lexi nods her head.

"Right this second? Is something going to beat down the door?"

Lexi shrugs her shoulders, "If the spells don't hold up."

"Well what the hell is it? I swear to God, I'll rip it's lungs out. You know I will." Dean attempts a smile, but fails horribly.

Letting out a sigh, she finally makes eye contact with Dean, but only for a second. "Let's just say I'm under a Gag Order. I'm not supposed to see you or Sam, not supposed to tell anyone about the future, so please don't ask." She swallows. "But I knew you would come looking for me. Hoped Sam would---" Lexi's voice breaks. "I knew you'd come, so I started to stay in motels where you might find me, checked in under aliases I know you've used. All these," her head nodding toward the markings on the walls, ceiling and windows, the spell over the door, the charms and herb bundles strategically placed around the room. "All of these should keep me hidden, both of us. _Should._ "

"What about your car, or the coffee house?"

"The car is warded too, spells, herbs, hex bags, sigils. I sneaked a couple around the coffee shop, there's one painted on my guitar and," she runs her fingers over the necklace Cas gave her and then pulls the ribbed collar of her tee shirt down, revealing an exact triplet of the tattoo both Dean and Sam have. "I also have this," she lifts up her shirt slightly to show Dean the tattoo just below her ribs.

"Enochian?" Dean wonders.

"Yeah, keeps angels away." She looks at her hands, resting in her lap, but then her head snaps up, "Cas! You...he's here...Does he know where you are? He didn't follow you here, did he?"

It's obvious to Dean that Lexi is petrified right now, but what he can't figure out is why Lexi's afraid of Cas. He's the one that helped get her here, she talked about him like he was a friend - family even. Not that he's particularly fond of the trench coat sporting angel right now, considering the past few months, but he remembers the way Lexi talked about Cas, the was she smiled when he stumbled into the cabin that day. 

"No. I didn't tell anyone that I was coming here. Bobby and Sam were off doing their own thing, I think Ruby went..." Dean pauses, his eyes narrowing in curiosity after he sees Lexi's flinch. "What? Why did you..." but he doesn't have to finish the question because Lexi jumps up off the couch and starts to fiddle with a handful of change on her dresser. She flinched because of Ruby. "Lex, what happened with you and Sam? He wouldn't tell me."

Staring only at the gold wedding band around her left ring finger, Lexi spins it round and round as she speaks in a shaky whisper, "Sam blames me for you. Said I could have told him about Ruby and killing Lilith. But that's not...I didn't mean..." She closes her eyes, pulling a deep breath into her lungs and then letting it out, looking Dean in the eye, "He made a choice, Dean, and it wasn't me." Dean opens his mouth to say something, but Lexi cuts him off, changing the subject, her tone and demeanor. "So what the hell month is it anyhow? March? Have you guys done..." she reaches for John Winchester's journal and flips to the entries dated March 2009 and the first word she sees is _Alastair_. "Oh," she whispers remembering reading this entry several times over the last few months. It's just a few days ago that Uriel and Cas had forced Dean to torture Alastair, not to mention the whole Anna situation a couple months or so back.

"So it's all in there, huh?" Dean asks in a ragged voice and a heavy sigh. "You got any booze around here?"

"No, uh, haven't had a whole lot of money the past couple months."

"Bobby and Sam said you had cash. Said you bought that Chevy out there, straight off the lot. What's goin' on?" He stands up from the couch and walks over to Lexi.

"It's gone." Lexi answers quickly, "Bought a car, then used it to pay for food, clothes, tattoos, motels, ammo, spells and herbs." Shrugging her shoulders and lying through her teeth, "It's gone."

She doesn't know why, but she feels like it's important for Dean not to know the whole truth about Ruby. On one hand, she could convince him to leave her motel room and kill Ruby right now, she could convince him to do that with just a handful of words, but God...Chuck, or who the hell ever, only knows what the angels would do to her, to Sam and Dean if they found out Lexi'd been conspiring with Dean. And she doesn't think anyone knows what Crowley would do if Lexi changed the future or derailed his plan for the throne of hell. And she's fully aware that this is ninety nine percent selfish. She's really doing it to save her own skin, because the notion of self preservation kicks in when you've got hell hounds coming your way in a little over nine years. But there's that little ten percent, that little fraction of herself. that screams in her mind over and over again, telling her that she can't keep the people she loves safe if she's not around.

Dean, being who he is, can spot a tell on a person in a heartbeat, knows instantly that she's lying, but he lets it go. "You wanna get some beer and some food? My treat." He smiles a toothy grin her way.

"There's a bar down the road," she hands Dean a menu, "They deliver food and beer."

"You wanna call it in, so I can hit the shower? Order whatever you want." She nods her head as Dean makes his way to the door to get his bags from the Impala, but before he touches the door knob, he looks back at Lexi, "Uh, you wanna put the cease fire on this thing for just a second? I've filled my quota for Hoodo shock therapy."

Lexi closes her eyes and whispers the Latin again, while Dean watches the violet shimmer show itself an then disappear from the door. When she opens her eyes, he reaches for the handle and hustles out to the Impala.

Lexi watches him through the door, cracked open just an inch. He grabs a weapons bag, a backpack, and a paper bag covered bottle that Lexi assumes is some sort of booze. She watches his eyes scan the parking lot, the highway and the few other buildings around the motel, looking for any sign of threats, but there's none to be seen. Both Dean and Lexi know that just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they're not there.

***

Two hours later, the door is closed again, locked and then warded, while Dean and Lexi polish off a large pizza and a double order of bread sticks. It was the best Lexi'd eaten in months. Dean's on his forth beer and Lexi's on her second, the six pack she ordered from the bar, not lasting long. They don't really talk about anything, a little about Bobby and the salvage yard, some about bands that they both like and touch a couple of times on the months there were three of them living in the cabin.

As Dean finishes off his beer, Lexi sees him yawn out of the corner of her eye. He never said if he was going to stay the night or multiple nights of if he was going to get back on the road. Of course, Lexi doesn't want him to leave, if it were up to her, she'd never be alone again, but it's not. She picks up the greasy napkins and tosses them into the card board pizza box, bringing it and the styrofoam bread stick container over to the garbage can.

"You mind if I stay?" Dean asks, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Unable to hide her smile, a real smile, not the fake ones she forces herself to make at the bar or the coffee house, Lexi nods her head, "Of course you can stay." Dean's her best friend, has been for more than a handful of years now. She removes a sweat shirt, a newspaper and a few other things off the one queen sized bed in the room, "You can have the bed if you want."

"No, Lex. I'll sleep on the couch." Dean insists. "I've slept on worse, believe me."

"I usually sleep on the couch," Lexi whispers, looking at her hands again.

Dean looks down on where he's sitting and sees a pillow at the end with a thin blanket folded over the opposite arm of the couch as him. "Why? You got a perfectly good bed, right there?"

Still looking at here hands, but now spinning her gold wedding band, "Bed's too big." She whispers.

She's not slept in the bed since the first night she stayed at the motel. Sat on it, watched tv, maybe fell asleep curled up in a ball on top of the covers, but after that first night, never pulled down the blankets and intentionally slept between the sheets. After that one night, she woke up covered in sweat, breathing hard, feeling around for a Sam who wasn't there. She'd never felt so alone that night, hugging the lumpy pillow to her chest, rocking back and forth. Not after her-Sam died, not after her-Dean died, she'd never felt that lonely before, so she slept on the couch.

"M'kay." Dean says with out any question, because he doesn't need to. He saw her eyes flicker with pain and he knows all he needs to know.

His eyes follow Lexi's too small body as she heads to the bathroom with a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, assuming she's getting ready for bed, so Dean tugs off the black slacks of his Fed get-up, draping them over a chair and pulls off his white button-up shirt and navy tie, leaving a white under shirt behind. Usually he sleeps in his boxers, but pulls on a pair of dark gray cotton pants and ties up the draw string. He can't figure out why this is so weird for him.

He's not attracted to Lexi, not that she's not beautiful, because she is, but she's Sammy's wife for Chrissakes, but even if she wasn't, Dean doesn't see her like that. She's almost like a little sister, though he's never had one. In the end, he decides it's because he and Lexi can't talk about the things they used to talk about. Her whole body went tense when he'd brought up Sam, flinched like he'd burned her with a hot poker when he'd brought up Ruby, and she'd hinted she couldn't tell him about future stuff, because of the gag order or what the hell ever. All those things factored in, he came to the conclusion that all of this is weird for him because he's walking on egg shells around her. But tomorrow's a new day.

When Lexi comes out of the bathroom, she leaves the little florescent light surrounding the mirror on, but closes the door almost completely. Dean climbs into bed, sliding his gun under his pillow and watches Lexi checks the wards around the door and the salt lines. When she sees that they're satisfactory, she lies down on her back on the couch, arms up over her head and whispers, "Thank you for coming, Dean. I'm glad you're here."

Dean smiles in the dark, "Anytime, Lex." It's literally moments before Dean falls asleep.

Sleep is, however, elusive for Lexi. Has been for a few months now. She lies on the couch staring up at the ceiling for an hour and then finally pushes herself up, reaching for her jacket, whispering some Latin and walks out the door.

Being who he is, Dean's always slept with one eye open and he sensed Lexi move up from the couch the second she did. He heard her whisper to the door again and then walk outside. He made himself count to sixty, giving her just one minute to get whatever she was getting from her car or whatever she was doing. When she doesn't come back inside, Dean grabs his gun and shrugs his leather jacket over his shoulders, quietly making his way out the door.

He sees Lexi sitting on a bench, knees to her chest, smoking a cigarette and shivering in the cool March night air. "Since when are you BFFs with Joe Camel?" Dean jokes and then ducks down quickly  when all the lights in the parking lot blow out, including the fourteen in front of the fourteen motel rooms, just above their heads.

"Dammit." Lexi groans as she stands up from her bench and digs under it, producing a box of light bulbs. She screws in three of four of them before sitting back down on the bench.

"Clearly that's not the first time that's happened." Dean sarcastically quips after he sits down next to Lexi on the bench.

"Bobby and Sam didn't tell you?"

"Yeah, they told me. I just didn't quite believe it until I saw it. Know what I mean? Mind if I snag one?" He asks, taking a cigarette out of the pack and bring it to his lips. Lexi hands him her lighter. "How long has this been going on?" He questions as he breathes out his first drag.

"Since when do you say 'BFF'?" She ignores his question and bumps her shoulder against his.

Dean ignores that question, only answering with a smile and wrapping an arm around Lexi's shoulder, pulling her close. "You mind if I stay for a couple days?"

"Really?" She looks up at Dean with a big grin on his face as he blows smoke rings into the air, nodding his head. "You can stay as long as you want, but what about Sam? I know you two got your plates over flowing with shit right now."

"That we do, care to enlighten me?"

"I would if I could, you know that." She shakes her head against the leather of Dean's jacket.

"Speaking of which, not that I couldn't kick the sorry ass of any fucker who dare set foot with in a hundred yards of you, but you're outside the room. S'there some sort of angel slash demon proofing in these Camel's that I don't know about?"

Wordlessly, she motions to the tall support beams of the awning above them. There are clear varnish painted symbols covering the parts facing them, and Dean assumes the same symbols cover the part that faces the parking lot as well. 

"Where'd you learn all this?" He wonders aloud, flicking his cigarette butt into the parking lots. 

Smiling sadly into the leather of the jacket next to her face she answers, "These two crazy yahoos I once knew. They taught me everything I know."

"Handsome fuckers, I bet too?" Dean jokes. "Hope I get to meet them someday."

Choking down a sob, Lexi buries her face into Dean's chest, "Me too."

With only the hum of the ice and vending machines just a few feet away, Lexi and Dean sit in silence, each thinking different things.

Dean's thinking about that day on the river where Lexi told him about the future, about his future and it seems like such a pipe dream, that he would get out of the life and actually have one of his own. But as far off as it really is, for just minute, Dean lets himself want that life. 

In the near silence, Lexi is thinking about her-Sam and the life they had together. Morning coffee, while sitting, legs tangled together, on the love seat in their living room, doing the Sunday cross word puzzle (in pen, not pencil, because that was who they were) while Dean played with the girls on the floor. Lost in her thoughts she can almost smell the ink from the newspaper, the coffee steaming in the mug and the smell of Sam, lacking his morning shower. The painful thoughts and memories prove too much and the sob she so desperately tried to keep down, bubbles from her lips. 

"Hey," Dean says gently, so gently that if Lexi closed her eyes, she could almost imagine he was her-Dean, the one from 2014. "It's gonna be okay, Lex. He wraps his arms around her, "I promise, it'll be okay. You wanna go back inside? Or you wanna fire up another one of those cowboy killers first?"

She sits up from Dean's chest and pulls out the crunched pack of Camels from her jacket pocket. With shaky fingers she takes one out for herself and points the pack toward Dean, but doesn't look at him. 

Dean's noticed she's done this before, her eyes focusing on her hands, her wedding ring, the floor, anything besides him. This isn't the Lexi he remembers. This isn't the Lexi who fought him tooth and nail, that cold February day, when he was bound and determined to go on a hunt. It's not the Lexi who looked him in the eyes and told him he deserved to be saved, that he was a good man. It's not her at all. 

Once again, lifting her chin so her face is level with his, he asks, "Why won't you look at me?"

In one quick movement that Dean's not at all prepared for, Lexi rips her face from his gentle hand and looks away. 

"Lex, c'mon. You can tell me. You can tell me anything."

Reluctantly, after what, to Dean, feels like nine eternities, Lexi looks at him. There are tears in her eyes, her cheeks wet with them, but she manages to whisper, "Sam was right. It's all my fault."

After the words are spoken, words Lexi's been screaming in her mind for the last how ever many months, she crumbles, but Dean's there to catch her. 

"No it's not, Lex. Sam is wrong, so wrong. None of this is your fault." He kisses the top of her head and rubs her back, tears streaming down his own face. "Nothing is your fault."

Tossing both his and Lexi's half smoked cigarettes into the parking lot, Dean scoops her tiny body up in his arms and carries her into the motel room. After the door is closed he says softly, "I didn't catch the spell for the door..."

In a ragged voice, she whispers the Latin, and after the door shimmers violet, Dean locks the Latin away in his mind, knowing he'll remember it. When Lexi turns away from the door to walk toward the couch, he grabs her hand and leads her to the bed. 

"Not tonight. No more couch."

Lexi's red and puffy eyes jump up to his. "Dean, no. I can't... _We_ can't..."

"Easy there, Lex." Dean smiles. "Promise I won't get handsy, if you don't stick your cold feet on me. I just..." His smile fades and he looks away. "You shouldn't be alone, you shouldn't be lonely. You don't deserve it."

For just a few seconds, Lexi looks up at Dean, and it occurs to her that Dean wanting to sleep in the same bed with her, isn't just about  _her_ being lonely - It's about Dean. What Dean's been through? Where he's been? What's been _done_ to him? It's horrible, Lexi  _knows_ this. Dean being in the motel room with her, isn't  _just_ about Lexi, it's about Dean too.  _This_ -Dean, right now,  _needs_ Lexi. She understands, so she nods her head and gets under the covers. Dean slides up next to her and situates the blankets over them. 

Dean's on one side of the bed, facing Lexi, and she's on the other side, facing Dean. They just look at each other in the dark. 

"You said before, that after Sam...was gone, you and me...the  _other_ me, we lived together. We didn't...you and me?"

Lexi chuckles and pulls the blankets up to her chin. "You were always the perfect gentleman."

Echoing Lexi's chuckle, Dean jokes, "Gentleman, huh? Well, that's a first."

***

After a while, when Lexi thinks Dean's finally asleep, her eyes start to droop, but then Dean whispers something in the quiet and dark motel room that stops her heart and then breaks it.

"I broke, Lex." Dean's voice sounds so small and so tattered that its almost unrecognizable. 

Lexi doesn't answer, she just moves closer to Dean and holds him in her arms, rubbing his back through the cotton of his white undershirt. Dean clings to Lexi, and his chest heaves with silent sobs. Lexi knows what each sob means, she's been told this story before. 

Sleep doesn't find them for several hours.


	29. Chapter 29

Just spending the last few days with Lexi, Dean could tell there was a lot more going on than what met the eye. There were dozens of little things that made him suspicious, but the one that trumped them all were the nightmares Lexi had. The past three nights Dean's slept in the same bed as Lexi and he's woken up, on more than one occasion, to Lexi calling out to Sam and murmuring little pleas for him to come back to her.

He's heard plenty of "Don't do it, Sam" and "I swear, I didn't mean for it to happen" but when she called out to her girls, the ones that died the night of the fire, the agony he heard in her voice about killed him. Dean's stomach dropped when Lexi called out to Sam, but his blood ran cold, the hairs on the back of his neck stood straight up and an overwhelming feeling of dread filled him to his very core when Lexi screamed out his own name. _"What the hell happened the night of the fire?"_ He thought to himself.

Every time Lexi had woken up in tears and covered in sweat, every time she shook uncontrollably and choked down screams, she clung to Dean like he was her last life line. Dean held her tightly and smoothed her hair, he promised that she was safe and that he was there. Usually it just took a few minutes for Lexi to calm down and she'd fall back to sleep, but there were a couple times that she sobbed inconsolably and when Dean tried to get her to talk to him, she just shook her head and choked out "Gag order. Can't. Please don't make me."

Tonight, Dean's going with her to see her sing in the bar band for a couple hours. They pay is shit, but Dean doesn't say anything. He's got a fistful of cash in his pocket with Lexi's name on it and he's paid for her motel room for the next couple of weeks. He knows he's not going to be able to stay many more nights, but he's bound and determined to leave Lexi with as much cash as possible. He knows she won't, but he wishes she'd just come with him back to Bobby's house. He thinks she's be plenty safe there, but he knows safety isn't her only reason for staying away.

The night before, Dean drove the Impala down to the bar after closing and used Lexi's varnish to paint some extra warding on the building. She told him that she'd added a few symbols around the inside of the bar when she'd gone there before, but wanted more. So Dean offered to do it. With ease, that impressed even himself, he picked the lock on the door of the bar and put a couple hex bags in random corners of the building and up inside the pool tables, just as an extra precaution.

Now, when they (legally) walk inside, Dean notices, in the dim light, that the bar is a near replica of every other dive bar in America; jukebox in the corner, TV bolted up on the wall with a muted sports game playing on it, and a bunch of middle aged men bellied up to the bar, scruffy and haggard looking. Typical dive bar, most people hated it, hated the stale beer smell and the tinge of blue in the air from cigarette smoke, but Dean loves it.

After they'd found a couple of bar stools away from the group bar patrons, Lexi nurses her beer next to Dean and they wait for the rest of the band to show up. Eight o'clock turns into nine and then at ten when the bartender and Lexi both know the band isn't going to show up. Lexi and Dean switch from beer to the harder stuff. 

After awhile, she watches Dean hustle a couple games of pool, pretending to be more drunk than he actually is, but sinks his stripped ball with ease. Dean's opponent is well on his way to drunk and he's not faking it, so Dean wins and adds another good sized wad of cash to his pocket. After a faux-drunken hand shake, and one hell of a smooth side step away from a fifty-something biker woman, Dean makes his way back to the bar.

"Don't think I can play any more with out makin' the locals suspicious. You wanna stay or you wanna head back to the motel?"

Already comfortably numb from the tequila shots, Lexi answers, "How 'bout we stay for a couple more rounds, only about a half an hour 'til last call anyhow."

"Don't have to ask me twice," Dean smirks as he sits down on the ragged bar stool next to Lexi. "You got any idea why no one showed up tonight?"

She knows he means the band and shakes her head, "Nope, only been playing a couple weekends with them. Probably found a better paying gig. No offense, Sid." She adds to the bartender. 

"None taken." Sid smiles as he pours both Dean and Lexi another drink. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Lexi watches Dean pull out his phone for the fifth time this evening, sending the vibrating call to voice mail. She's seen him do this several times today and countless times since he's been with her. Her eyes flick from the phone quickly and back to her shot in front of her, she doesn't ask who it's is or what the mystery caller wants because she knows full well who it is and what they want. It's Sam. 

She's felt Sam and his wide variety of emotions over the past few months. She assumes the feelings coming strong through the bond are because there are times when she lets her guard down, let's herself be open to the feelings and the bond. She assumes Sam is doing the same thing. 

Since that day she walked away from the field with Zachariah, Lexi's all but broken the bond, pushed it deep down inside herself, ignored it, but never broke it. She remembers the words written on the thick piece of paper and knows it's well with in her right to break the bond, but hasn't because it's all she has left. Even though she's hurt and broken inside because of Sam's actions, there's a little piece of her that hangs on to the notion that maybe the future will change, maybe something different will happen and Sam will come back to her. Knowing full well that she's a Winchester, in name and in curse, miracles don't happen, not for them, but she still hangs on. 

Jolting her out of her thoughts, Dean stands up from his bar stool and says, "Gonna hit the head and then we'll roll out."

After Lexi nods her head, Dean makes his way to the bathroom, in the corner of the bar. 

She swirls the tequila in her shot glass and looks at the haggard men around the bar. They all have the same worn looks on their face, they all look tired, worn out, and they all look just finished with everything. Finished with their jobs, their spouses, their finances and their lives. Lexi can relate. 

Coming back to the past, in Lexi's mind, was supposed to be a fresh start, it was supposed to be a do-over, not a do-it-again, it was supposed to be another life, one with the two men that mean the world to her. And even though Dean's come back to her, it's not what she wanted. She wasn't supposed to feel like this, she wasn't supposed to lose everything a second time, she wasn't supposed to feel this helpless and not be able to do anything. She was supposed to save both Sam and Dean, she was supposed to be able to save herself. And none of that has happened, quite the opposite really. 

Out of the blue, she feels a twinge in the bond. She rolls her eyes at it and shoves the feelings down deep inside, silently cursing herself for doing too many tequila shots and getting sloppy with the control over the bond. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Dean walk up to her. Not looking up, she shoots the remainder of her drink, reaches for her purse and opens her mouth to tell Dean they should pick up a pizza or something on the way back to the motel room, to soak up the booze. When she stands up to follow Dean, she realizes it isn't him that she saw out of the corner of her eye, it's Sam.

She sees him just for an instant and then all the lights in the ceiling burst out of their sockets and the bar goes dark.

*//*

Dean grumbles to himself as his phone buzzes in his pocket for the umpteenth time today. He doesn't have to look at it to know whose calling him, but he does and he's not shocked when he sees that it's Sam. His brother has been calling him nearly non-stop since Dean's been with Lexi. At first he just wanted to know where Dean was and was very clear that there was no case or urgent situation that needed to be dealt with, Sam just wanted a heads up as to when his brother would be back in South Dakota. 

That had been the first day. 

On the second day, Sam's calls grew more insistent and were accompanied by even more insistent text messages, nearly begging Dean to call him back and let him know he was alright. Unless the brothers were in an argument or had a disagreement (to put it gently) they'd always kept in touch and Dean couldn't blame Sam for his curiosity. 

The second night, eldest Winchester waited for Lexi to fall back asleep after one of her many nightmares, and crept from the motel room out into the night air, making sure to say the Latin spell before and after leaving the room, to call his brother. Of course, Sam answered his phone on the first ring. 

"Dean! Where are you? I've been calling for a whole day!" 

"I'm fine, Sammy. Just a couple states over, checking up on a few things. I'll be back in a day or two. I'm fine." Dean whispered in a hushed tone as he lit a cigarette from his pocket, a habit that he kicked along time ago, but started up again since he'd been with Lexi.

"You workin' on a case?" Sam wondered.

"Nope." Dean answered, hoping, but knowing full well the one word explanation wasn't going to satisfy Sam. 

"Well then, what?" Sam pressed.

Letting out a heavy sigh and blowing a lungful of smoke up into the air, Dean answered, "I came out here to check on Lex. Been trying to find her for weeks and finally got Bobby to give up her location. I'm with her right now. Didn't want to tell you, 'cause I know it's been weird for you two."

"Oh." The pause on the phone made Dean think that Sam hung up or that the call was disconnected, but before he could say anything, Sam asked, "How's she doing?"

That pissed Dean off.  "How the fuck do you think she's doing? Jesus Christ, Sammy! You left her and she had NOTHING! She's all alone, she's scared, she's broke, she's hungry, she's--- Look, I gotta fucking go. I'll be back in a few days." He slammed his phone shut and flicked his cigarette out into the dark. 

Dean knew he'd pulled some shady shit in his life, knew he'd thrown his fair share of punches below the belt, but what Sam did to Lexi? Leaving her alone and shackin' up with Ruby. Yeah, he knew all about that, Sam had gone full-frontal with his brain stabbing imagery when he "came clean" and told Dean all about his time with Ruby. Dean mentally kicked himself when he'd finally put two and two together and figured out Lexi knew all about Ruby, that was why she flinched when Dean mentioned her name.

After Dean collected his thoughts from the phone call with Sam, he went back into the motel room and climbed back into bed, even though he knew sleep wouldn't come. He stared up at the ceiling at the symbols above his head and listened to Lexi's quiet cries and whimpers, it was apparent she was having another dream. Dean kissed the top of her head and shushed her while rubbing her back until she fell back asleep. Dean never did go to sleep that night.

The third day, he let all Sam's calls go to voice mail, including the one that came through when he stood next to Lexi at the bar. He knew she saw it, like she'd seen many others, but she never said anything. Dean was well aware she knew who was calling him and he wanted to say something, wanted to bring up Sam because they'd not talked about him once, but Dean didn't know how to bring it up. He could tell it was a sensitive subject (of course it was) and to him it seemed like Lexi didn't want to talk about it.

Once he gets into the bathroom, he pulls his phone out and presses the number two button, the speed dial for Sam's phone. Right away, Sam picks up.

"Dean! I'm al--" 

Dean cut off his brother's words, "What! What, Sam? I told you, I'd be back in a couple days!" 

"I'm almost there. I need to talk to Lexi." Sam yells into the phone.

"Sam, no. I don't think that's a good idea. She's got this place warded like Fort friggen Knox and has me carrying all kinds of amulets and hex bags. I don't think---" But Dean's words are cut off as the line goes dead. He rushes out of the bathroom just in time to see Sam standing next to Lexi and then watch as the bar goes completely dark. 

*//*

Over the course of the last few months, Sam had often times thought about Lexi. He wondered where she was and how she was doing, always feeling guilty over how he'd left things, but could never bring himself to actually find her or make some sort of contact. When the guilt would take him over, he reminded himself of Lexi's words, that he had made his bed and he had to lie in it. 

Whenever he let his guard down and felt those little tugs from the bond, he made a point to shut all those feelings away, reminding himself that he'd left Lexi because it was her fault Dean went through what he went through. He reminded himself that it would have taken just a handful of words from Lexi and that whole situation could have been avoided. When those thoughts bounced around in his head, they always came with a little voice that told him that his excuses were lies; that it wasn't Lexi's fault, that she had tried everything to save Dean, that she was willing to risk her life for him, and that she didn't deserve to be alone. But every time that second set of thoughts and voices bubbled their way to the surface, Sam pushed them down. The guilt over the things he had done, the things he continued to do, the secrets that he'd kept from everyone that meant the most to him, makes him push aside everything, he just can't deal with it.

As soon as Sam got off the phone with Dean and he heard his brother say he was with Lexi, Sam paced the floor of the upstairs bedroom at Bobby's house. Part of him wanted to get into some old beater of Bobby's and drive straight to Lexi, but as soon as he grabbed for his things, he stopped cold in his tracks

It was the voice mail Lexi left him that day on his phone, telling him that he was a monster and that Dean would be disappointed in him if he could see what he was doing. That voice mail has stopped him so many times from going to her. This time when it stopped him, he sat back down on the bed and stared at his hands as his mind replayed that day in the motel room, the day he'd left Lexi. She had been so vehement when she tried to tell him Ruby just couldn't teach whatever he needed to know to kill Lilith. Her eyes pleaded for him to listen and to believe her, but it was the blind rage and revenge that stopped him that day, still stopped him.  Sam can't see through the rage and need for revenge to see what he's been doing has been wrong and so far off the reservation; leaving Lexi, being with Ruby, believing Ruby, drinking her blood, lying to Dean, but probably the worst thing of all - lying to himself.

It's the lies that he's told himself each and everyday for the past few months, the lies that he continues to tell himself, that are slowly digging his own grave. He's known this the whole time, but couldn't see it past the rage and revenge, he couldn't see through his own tangled web of lies that he'd told to everyone in his life that mattered most to him, he couldn't see it through his constant craving for Ruby's blood.  He couldn't see any of it, but still, after that one phone call from Dean, he pushed himself up off that bed in Bobby's house and stormed down the stairs, and out into Singer Salvage.

He'd forced himself not to think about anything as he sped to where he suspected Dean and Lexi were. He was worried that if he started to think, he'd start to feel, and if he started to feel, the blind rage and need for revenge would flood back and make him turn around. He didn't want to turn around, he knew he needed to go forward. He tried to call Dean's phone several times through the night and through the day as he drove non-stop, but Dean let each and every one of his calls go to voice mail.

Now, when he is about three hours from Lexi's motel room, his phone buzzes on the seat next to him and with out looking at the ID he answers it.

"Dean?" Sam yells into the phone, hoping it's his brother.

"No, Sam."

Instantly he recognizes Ruby's voice, "I can't talk now, Ruby. I'll call you in a few days."

"In a few days? Where are you?"

"Meeting Dean a couple states over, we got a case." He lies, trying to get Ruby off the phone.

"Where? I can be there soon."

"NO!" He yells, but then corrects his voice, "No, we're fine. Just...just let us do this one, okay?"

Ruby stays silent on the phone, but Sam can hear her let out a breath. "You're going to find Lexi, aren't you?"

"Ruby, just let it go. Just...don't."

"You gonna ask her? Ask her what we talked about? After everything she's put you through, everything she's put Dean through, she owes it to you. You know she does."

Sam rolls his eyes as he looks out on the road and shoves down the urge to chuck his phone out the window.

Ruby had been on his case for the last few weeks to get him to call Lexi and ask where the big showdown took place, where the prize fight with Lilith was supposed to take place. She had been so convinced that if Sam knew the location of where everything was supposed to go down, that Sam would get that edge he need to kill Lilith. But each time Ruby brought it up, Sam told her no and to forget about it. He wasn't doing it.

Because of Zachariah's little punishment on Lexi, Sam doesn't remember the consequences of killing Lilith, but Ruby does, she's known it the whole time, it's her end game, her plan all along - to free Lucifer. She's also fully aware as to where everything is to go down, but what she doesn't know is where Lexi has been hiding out these past few months. She wants Sam to find her, of course, not for them to rekindle their romance, or to get answers, like Ruby led Sam to believe. No, Ruby wants to find Sam's future Missus so Ruby can finish her off once and for all - so Lexi can't throw anymore wrenches in Ruby's plans. She's got a handful of demons waiting on bated breath for Ruby's signal to take Lexi out. She just needs to know where to find Lexi, and to do that, she needs Sam. But Sam doesn't know anything about this.

"No, I'm not going to ask her. I already told you. So just drop it, okay? I gotta go. I'll call you when I'm on my way back." And he ends the call by snapping his phone shut and tossing it on he seat.

Three hours later, he pulls into a little bar parking lot, just twenty minutes outside of a sleepy little town. He calls his brother to tell him he's there, but Dean cuts him off, tries to tell him not to come and Sam knows if he listens to his brother, if he stops and thinks about what he's doing, he won't go inside that bar. So he hangs up on his brother and gets out of the truck. He rushes past the black Impala, parked in the lot and as his hand ghosts over the silver colored door handle to the bar, he can feel Lexi.

When he finally walks inside the bar, he finds her right away, sitting at the bar and swirling a half drunk shot in her hand. He stops a couple steps inside the bar and just looks at Lexi. Her hair is longer than what he remembers and she's much thinner. Always small and petite, barely coming up to his chest, but smaller now, too small.

For just a second, he contemplates turning around and walking back out, but tells himself he's gotten this far, he can't turn back now. He has no idea why he's decided to drive all this way, he doesn't have a speech prepared to tell Lexi what he's feeling, because not even he knows what he's feeling. He just knows he has to talk to her, though he has no idea what it's about.

With slow and meaningful steps, Sam walks up to Lexi and pauses. She shoots her shot and reaches for her purse, then stands up next to him. He can tell she's about to say something when her mouth opens up, but snaps back closed when she sees who is standing just inches from her. Before Sam can say anything, the room goes dark.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rada'Han (pronounced Rah-dah-hawn) 
> 
> Borrowed from the Sword of Truth/Legend of the Seeker fandom. Read the books, watch the TV show. To quote Dean, "They're awesome!"

Instinctively, everyone in the bar ducks when all the lights burst out of their sockets, and then everyone freezes. For just a second, everything in the bar goes quiet, then hushed murmurs and whispers erupt in the dark, questions and blind groping in the blackness, as everyone reaches for lighters and cellphones to light their way.

Sam didn't need a flash light to see what went on those seconds after the darkness, to know exactly what happened. He felt it all. He felt Lexi's shock at the sight of Sam, their eyes locked for a second and then he felt panic, followed by nothing, just a whirl of something moving with incredible speed past him. Just as he turns to follow the whirl, a hand grabs his shoulder.

"Sammy?" Dean's voice comes through the darkness and up to Sam's ears. 

"Dean! She's gone! I felt her and then there was nothing! We have to find her!" 

"She couldn't have gone far, she's probably just outside. C'mon."

Both brothers canvas the dusty parking lot, looking behind, under and inside every single car, but Lexi's no where to be found. Sam drove the Scottsdale from Bobby's house and while he checks the bed and inside the cab, Dean checks the trunk and inside the Impala, but she's not hiding in either vehicle. Dean knows it's a long shot, but tries calling her phone, of course there's no answer.

Desperately, Sam closes his eyes and rests his forehead against the cool metal of the driver's side door of the Scottsdale. Forcing his mind clear of every doubt, worry and every ounce of regret, Sam focuses on Lexi. He focuses on the bond and the love for her that he's ignored for too long now. He pictures her in his mind, her long brown hair and bright blue eyes, he pictures her lips, her hands, the sound of her voice, and her sweet smell of rain and cleanness that he can just barely remember. But it's like the harder he works to feel her, the more he opens himself up to the bond, the further she is from him.

Once Dean snaps his phone shut and shoves it into his pocket, he hustles over to the truck and his brother. He watches Sam close his eyes and furrow his brow, a tell-tale sign of concentration, the same look he's been watching his brother make since they were just boys. In the silence of the parking lot, Dean finds himself uttering a silent prayer, surprising himself, begging someone to help them, pleading for someone to help Lexi, but both Dean and Sam figure out at the same time that there's no assistance out there for them; no angels that give a shit, and no God and, no connection through the bond. It's just them.

Dean and the Impala lead the way down the highway to Lexi's motel room and Sam follows in the Scottsdale. When they park next to the pale blue Chevy, they rush up to the door of Lexi's motel room and at the last second Dean grabs for his brother's hand, pulling it away as Sam reaches for the doorknob. A younger version of Dean, or one of same age, but in a less stressful situation, would have let Sam grab that door knob, then had a good laugh and made a few hilarious jokes at his his brother's response and pain, but in this instance, Dean resists. His mumbles through the Latin spell and both him and Sam watch the violet veil shimmer across the door. But when they rush inside the room, they both see that Lexi's not there.

After just a couple minutes of gazing at the symbols on the walls and the ceiling, seeing the herbs and charms hanging over and around the door frame, Sam falls collapses in a wicker backed kitchenette chair, realizing what Lexi's been through since he sent her away. "This is all my fault," he utters in a pained voice.

Dean tosses a look over his shoulder at Sam, but says nothing, shaking his head and pursing his lips. What could Dean possibly say? He knows if he starts in on Sam, his accusations and blame with lead to questions that he's already asked, but already knows Sam won't answer. He's asked them all dozens of times and Sam gives him the same deflective answers and excuses, Dean's tired of it and he reaches for his paper bagged bottle of whiskey on the chipped wood dresser.

Still studying the markings on the wall, Sam's eyes pick out the ones he's less familiar with. "She's not just hiding from demons." He points to one symbol on the wall. "These are angel warding. She's hiding from angels?"

"She didn't say. Just said she was under a gag order whenever I tried to ask her about anything, but hiding from angels makes sense. She talked about them back at the cabin." Dean grunts as he kicks off his boots and lies back on the bed. "We'll sit tight here for the night, grab a couple hours of shut eye and maybe she'll show up." He pauses, taking a long pull from the bottle in his hand. "Hey, uh, if I ask ya, would ya tell me how you know about that chicken scratch?"

Sam clenches his jaw and looks away, refusing to answer.

Dean rolls his eyes and lets out an annoyed groan, "Yeah, that's what I thought."

The next morning, Lexi's still not at the motel room. Sam and Dean pack up all her stuff, for the second time they've known her, and hit the road.

*//*

A sting blooms on Lexi's cheek, followed by a burning heat, startling Lexi into consciousness. Tasting the metallic tang of her own blood, she forces her heavy eyes open. Her first sight is Ruby; hands on her hips, eyes completely black, and a wicked grin smeared across her face. Lexi groans, but not from pain, instead from annoyance; she's sick of being kidnapped.

"What in the fuck could you possibly want?" Lexi spits a mouthful of blood to the rocky floor below her. She's sitting in a rickety chair, her hands and legs bound with Enochian etched shackles. They're not tight, but it doesn't matter, Lexi can feel their power inhibiting her grace and rendering her completely helpless.

Another sharp blow to her already tender countenance, throws Lexi's head backwards. "Watch your tone!" Ruby snaps furiously, but in the blink of an eye, her expression changes back to that wicked grin. "You're a hard one to find, you know that. I've had demons all over the country looking for you."

"Speaking of that..." Lexi stretches her sore jaw. "How did you find me? I found your summoning spell and tweaked it, so I would specifically be hidden from your sorry ass. I'm curious to know how you--" Lexi's words are cut short when a scream rips itself from her lips. She feels a piercing pain in her chest as Ruby plunges her knife into Lexi's body. Her eyes reach Ruby's black ones and Lexi knows she can't hide the shock and confusion from her face. She didn't see that coming at all.

Ruby cradles Lexi's face in her hands and stoops down to her level. "I want these to be the last words you hear before the light goes out in your eyes. Sam's the one who led me to you. He got rid of the warding in the bar, he told me where you were. He's the reason you're here right now. He's not _your_ Sam anymore, _he's mine_ and I'll stand proudly by his side when Lucifer takes his place inside him. I'll be his queen, I'll be his wife, Sam's mine now."

Eyes huge, Lexi shakes her head as blood drips from her mouth. "No. That won't happen. Sam will never---" Once again her words are cut off in mid-sentence, but this time her words are replaced by another scream of agony, brought on my Ruby ripping the jagged blade from Lexi's chest.

"Easy now," Ruby purrs, petting Lexi's sweaty hair. "I'll keep Sam safe." Lexi coughs painfully, sputtering blood from her mouth. "Any minute now and I'll get to cross another item off my to-do list."

After a couple minutes, Lexi's breath grows labored and it's hard for her to keep her eyes open. She can't feel her arms or fingers anymore and her torso and legs are so cold. "Sam," she whispers with a raspy voice, wanting nothing more than to see her-Sam's face just one more time. Her head falls forward on her chest, no longer having the strength to hold it up and she briefly wonders what Crowley has in store for her soul once she dies.

"I'll take care of Sam, don't you worry." Ruby kisses Lexi's lips with a softness that catches Lexi off guard, but there's something else that surprises Lexi.

Suddenly she can breath easy, the dull pain in her chest slowly disappears and she can feel her strength coming back. She lifts her head up from her chest and smirks at Ruby as she feels her grace mending and triaging her wounds, internal and external.

"Apparently I'm not that easy to snuff out," she sasses Ruby.

"Son of a bitch!" Ruby screams, wrapping her hand around Lexi's neck. "Omnipotentis Dei potestatem invoco. Omnipotentis Dei potestatem invoco. Aborro te ut. Angelum omnium obsequendum. Domine expuet. Domine expuet. Duem adempiremus veritas."

Lexi recognizes the Latin as the angel banishing spell, but feels nothing. "Doesn't work on me, I'm not an angel."

"So, what? You're not an angel, but you can't be killed?" Ruby screeches as she uppercuts Lexi, then presses her hand against Lexi's chest. Another scream comes from Lexi when she feels something hot as fire rake over her body. "Let's try this," Ruby mutters, ripping Lexi's shirt open, showing her the missing anti-possession and Enochian tattoos, only scorch marks where they used to be.

It's Ruby's turn to scream as she smokes out of her meat suit and hurls toward Lexi's mouth. Lexi's eyes are wide and scared as the black smoke hovers over her mouth, and then flies back to the dead, dark brown haired body sprawled on the ground.

Lexi didn't know it would happen, but once it does she can't help but laugh at Ruby. "You got a plan C?" Apparently her grace prevents her from being possessed.

The frustrated and pissed off demon doesn't answer, she just throws another punch at Lexi's face, sending her and her chair backwards to the floor, and stomps out of the room.

Lexi's not chained to the chair, but her wrists are tethered by a rather short chain to her ankles, and she struggles to stand up from the rocky floor. Shuffling her way to the door, she tests the knob, finding that it's locked. She had put on a strong front to Ruby, trying to rile her up and make her think panicked thoughts and doubt herself and her plans when she found out Lexi couldn't be killed, but it had been just that, _a front._   Just like every other time before, when Lexi taps into the grace, or even when it works it's own powers inside her with out her consent, it zaps all of Lexi's strength. She sinks to the rough floor and stares at the room around her.

The rocky ceilings are high and seem to go on forever. The walls are lined with flame lit torches and shelves, filled with hundreds of jars, beakers and flasks of shining liquids and herbs. A dozen spells run through her head that would help her out of her situation, but her thoughts are silenced after an indeterminable length of time, when Ruby walks back into the room. She's got a thin silver hoop in her hands and a sinister smile on her face.

Grabbing Lexi by her hair, Ruby drags her across the room, kicking the chair upright and shoving Lexi down into it. She holds the silver circle in front of Lexi's face. "You know what this is?"

"It's a little early in the relationship for you to buy me jewelry, don't ya think?" Lexi lips off to Ruby.

"Funny," Ruby growls. "But I'm surprised. You seem to know everything about everything. Too much, if you ask me. I figured you'd know all about the Rada'han. It's a beautiful little thing, don't ya think? Usually when it's put around someone's neck, it puts a little stopper in any supernatural powers they may have. The real beauty of this is that only the person with the key can take it off. I can't be magically removed, it can't be cut off, only the key will unlock it, but I've, of course, made a few necessary adjustments." Ruby purrs as she snaps the silver hoop around Lexi's neck. "First, we'll talk about the key. There is no key, a little tweak I thought up all on my lonesome. The only thing that can unlock this blessed beauty..." Ruby runs her fingers along the cool metal and caresses Lexi's cheek. "Is me, when I smoke out. Thought that would be some good incentive for Dean not to kill me, like you let slip back in the day."

"I would rather die than let any of the bullshit you're yammering on about happen," Lexi spits at Ruby, shrugging her hand away.

"That brings me to my second point and my favorite one of them all. As long as the Rada'han is wrapped around your pretty, pretty neck, you'll live forever. My personal gift to you. You'll see your precious Bobby die, probably before he grows any older, if I have anything to do with it. You'll see dear ol' Dean meet whatever shit hole fate he's destined to meet, but I've saved the best for last. You, my precious Lexi, will get to live for as long as I say, living in a world that is run by a man who is the exact likeness of the love of your life, but it'll be Lucifer calling the shots. When it all happens, you'll get an introduction and maybe, just maybe, if you're lucky, _He_ will want to keep you close, keep you as His pet." Ruby winks suggestively.

The words sink into her head and the exact gravity of the situation comes to light, Lexi looks up at Ruby, "So you'd keep me around for all of eternity, unable to die? Who's to say I don't run off and tell them everything or throw myself on the big grenade you've got planned? If I can't die, I might as well jump right into the fray."

Mocking Sam's sturgeon face, Ruby nods her head. "You could, sure, but if you do, I'll see to it that Dean is thrown right back into the pit, and I can personally guarantee he'll be in it so deep that no one will be able to touch him. And to sweeten the pot, if you put one toe out of line, if you fuck with me and my plan in the tiniest of ways, I'll see to it that you'll watch every second of Dean's painful relocation. With that in mind, I don't think you'll be crossing me ever again. Am I right?"

Swallowing nervously, Lexi can feel the cool metal of the Rada'han press against her skin. Her whole body filled with dread and fear, but she doesn't have a smart assed comment to throw at Ruby, she doesn't have anything. She just accepts her fate and nods her head.

"That's what I like to see." Ruby pats Lexi's head and moves her hands down to the metal manacles on her wrists. "I don't suppose these are necessary anymore, are they?" A snick echoes off the jagged walls, as Ruby unlocks them and casts them aside. "See, I'm not so bad."

The sound of Ruby's phone ringing makes Lexi jump. Ruby chuckles as she looks at her phone and then sticks it in Lexi's face. "It's Sammy. I'm sure he needs another hit of "go-juice", maybe a little something else." She smirks evilly. "I'll leave you here for awhile, let you stew in your thoughts." 

And Ruby's gone.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took me over a week to get this published. Honestly, I had it done days ago, but my laptop froze up and the chapter went buh-bye. So I had to redo it from scratch, but I think I got it. :)  
> Also, this chapter is a bit longer than usual, but I don't think anyone will mind. :)  
> Again, the Rada'han (pronounced rah dah hawn) is borrowed from Sword of Truth/Legend of the Seeker. Typically, it's put on someone with powers (they call it "the gift" in SoT) and blocks the wearer from using their powers. However, Ruby has tweaked the Rada'han - she's made it so Lexi will live forever (or until Ruby gets sick of her) and instead of there being a key, only Ruby's demonic smoke can remove the Rada'han. It can not be removed by anything other than the "key".

The Rada'han wrapped almost too tightly around Lexi's neck, seems to weigh a thousand tons. Not so much from the physical weight of the slight brushed silver hoop, but the weight of the curse attached to it. The curse of being chained to Ruby, forced to either watch everyone she's ever loved die, or have a front row seat to Dean's second round in hell. It's no easy cross to bear; Ruby's punishment is one thing, but the guilt Lexi feels in this moment is immeasurable. _Only I'm to blame,_ she thinks to herself. _I messed up. I should have fought harder. Never should have asked for the boys' approval, I should have just acted and done what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences,_ but she knows there's no way she never could have ever done that. 

The grace, that she feels spinning around inside her, working intently to heal her painful and gaping chest, will never burst from her chest to protect her or anyone else in this world. It's trapped inside her body, held in place by the Rada'han, probably forever. Lexi flinches at the thought of having to watch it all, to see all the horrific things that she'd always known happened, but only ever read about. Now, instead of preventing the worst years of the brother's lives, she gets to witness them, she gets to see them first hand, and there's nothing she can do about it, her grace rendered useless. She's stuck on the sidelines, forced to watch it all, made to let it all play out.

Just seconds before she gives in to her fate, before she falls to the floor, from both exhaustion and defeat, the feelings of utter uselessness, desperation, fear, and guilt are pushed aside, only to have anger and rage take their place. In her fury and desperation, she hurls the wooden chair to the wall, shattering it into tiny slivers and when that's not enough, she kicks the silver manacles into the corner of the room, their strong metal clanging against the rocky surface. Just as she's about to scream and cry out in frustration, an idea presents itself in her mind. She whips her body around and lets her eyes run over the many, many glass containers of herbs on the wall. They're not labeled, but she quickly digs through them, smelling and touching the contents, working to identify the ones that will lead to her salvation.

After carrying an armful of herbs to the center of the room, she breaks a glass container on the floor, using a shard of glass to cut open her palm. With the blood that pools in her hand, she quickly draws a symbol on the dirty floor, tossing handfuls of herbs into a rusty metal dish. Almost mechanically, Lexi rips a piece of cotton from her already torn shirt, ignoring the sharp pain in her hand and wraps it around a sliver of wood from the broken chair, lighting it on fire with one of the torches bolted to the wall. Once she tosses the flaming fabric and wood into the metal dish, it's almost a relief when she senses a presence near her. 

"And what did you go and get yourself into now, poppet?" The voice softly chastises from behind her.

"Crowley," Lexi breaths after turning around and seeing the smirking demon, "I need your help." She runs her fingers over the silver Rada'han, wishing briefly that the Crowley in front of her was her-Crowley.

"I can see that." he smirks. "But I'm afraid you're out of chips to play with. Your soul is already mine."

"It's more than that and I think you'll be interested to know that Ruby put a spell on this, to punish me. She made it so I'll live forever, thus, cheating you out of my soul. If I can't die, you don't get your payment." As much as she'd like to keep her ass out of an eternity spent with Crowley, she knows she can't live under Ruby's thumb, or stand idly by as Ruby's plans come to fruition and Crowley's the only one who can or has any interest in helping her... _hopefully._

Crowley shakes his head in disbelief and lets out a sigh, "There are other ways for me to take your soul with out you dying, surely you know that? You don't have to be dead for me to collect, love."

Her heart sinks as she realizes her only chance is to bargain with the only thing she has left. _Time_.

"Knock another two years off. You can take me, two years earlier than we agreed on." Lexi always knew that she'd never get her full ten years. Deep, deep, deep down, she knows it's not her life that is the most important, it's Sam and Dean's and it's not that she has some sort of death wish, because she doesn't. She wants to live, she wants to get to the time when Sam is her-Sam, she wants to wrap her arms around him, and tell him over and over again that she loves him. She wants to get back to Dean and have him tease her about her inability to drive a clutch, she wants Dean to know peace and love, hope and faith, she wants all those things. But the truth is, what she wants isn't important. This isn't about her, it's about _them_ and she'll do anything.

A low chuckle comes from Crowley's throat. "Oh, my dear sweet Mrs. Winchester" he croons in his whiskey soaked voice, ignoring Lexi's flinch at his choice of words. "I don't think so, darling, but here's my counter. How about I take away what you have and replace it with just two years?" He winks.

She can't control herself when her eyes widen in fear. Her shoulders fall in resignation without her permission, and even though she'd have agreed to Crowley's terms in a heart beat, it's as if her mouth has taken on a life of it's own. She hears herself say, "Yes."

"Uh, uh, uh," he sings to Lexi, with the widest smirk plastered across his face. "You know that's not how we seal deals."

Before she can talk herself out of it, or weigh the pros and cons of her next decision, or wonder if two years is really enough, Lexi presses her lips against Crowley's. She doesn't try to pull or shy away from his lips or scruff covered cheeks and chin, she knows Crowley won't let her go until he's damn well good and ready. One of his hands winds in her hair and the other moves down to her hips, pulling her closer to him. Before he lets her go, he licks her tongue gently, passing aged whiskey and his sulfuric taste into her mouth, and nips playfully at her lips.

"Two more years and I'll show you a _real_ kiss, love. Just two more years."

"Get on with it!" Lexi yells, fighting the tears in her eyes. "A deal is a deal. Get me out of this."

Crowley snaps his fingers and Ruby's standing in the dark room next to them. She glowers at Lexi. "What the fuck did you do!"

Lexi doesn't even try to hide the smirk that forms on her face, Ruby's panic and eventual defeat are well worth the deal she just made.

Producing and unrolling a scroll that reaches down to his shiny black shoes, Crowley clears his throat, ready to make good on his deal. "This lovely lady's soul is already spoken for. I'm going to need you to remove this exquisite ornament from this morsel's neck."

Ruby throws her head back and laughs. "And why the hell would I do that?"

"Well, because a deal's a deal." He winks at Lexi. "I get to collect early and I'll do that by any means necessary. How about I incinerate that trollop you're occupying and send that lovely ass of yours back to the pit. I'm sure there's all kinds of fellas down there that would love a go with you," Crowley teases darkly.

"You made a deal with a demon to get away from a demon?" Ruby laughs. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! Even for you!"

Lexi shakes her head. "I realized this story isn't about me, and it sure as hell isn't about you. It's about them. I thought I came back to save my husband, to get a second chance to be with him, but it's not about that. It's about saving them, fixing the past, and keeping them safe. I can't do that if I'm stuck to you for however long you deem fit. I don't care about my soul, it's not about my soul, it's about Sam's, and I'll do anything to keep him safe! Including, selling mine to this bastard." She motions to a smirking Crowley. "I'll do anything." She pauses and lets a sideways grin smear itself over her lips. "Especially if it means getting to fuck you over in the process."

"Wasn't that just the most touching thing you ever did hear," Crowley mocks. "Now if you please, or do I need to reiterate my well spoken threats?"

Ruby clenches her fists at her side, staring at Lexi and Crowley, her lips contorting into a silent snarl, but never uttering a single word. Ruby knows that even though her plan has been put forth by Lilith herself, said plan has been top secret. Their plan makes Ruby look like a traitor and the truth is, everyone in hell is out for her head. Another couple seconds pass and she tosses her head back with a scream, smoking out of her precious meat suit and flying inside the lock on the Rada'han. She's back inside her meat suit before the the silver bounces off the floor.

"That will be all," Crowley says dryly.

Ruby looks between the well dressed demon before her and then glares at Lexi. "I'll find some other way, you know. He'll never be your Sam again."

"I don't care," Lexi growls. "As long as he's never _your_ Sam, I don't care."

Ruby stares her cold black eyes at Lexi one more time and then vanishes from sight. 

"Thank you," Lexi breathes to the demon next to her, letting her shoulders fall in relief.

"It's been a real delight doing business with you, love, but now you have to put that clever little head of yours to good use and get yourself the hell out of, well, hell."

"I'm in hell?" Lexi's eyes grow wide as she looks around at the room she's been taken to. The filthy floor, the jagged walls, lit with torches, she doesn't understand why she didn't make the connection before. It's obvious where she is.

Crowley nods his head. "I'd be willing to fly you on out of here, for a price, of course." 

"I'll pass," Lexi replies dryly. "This angel juice friggen owes me. It got me into this mess, it's gonna get me out." 

Crowley snatches up the Rada'han from the floor. "This might come in handy, someday. Though not for you. You'll have a collar designed just for you, just for our agreement, but until then, my  _pet_ , " he waves his hand in a gesture for her to continue whatever she's doing, "This I have got to see." 

Lexi ignores Crowley's comments about a collar, ignores the pictures and scenarios that now dance in her mind, and closes her eyes. She forces images of Sam and Dean and the Impala into her mind, willing herself to tap into her grace. She's well aware that angels can transport themselves all around the globe and if they can do it, so can she. She's killed demons, she's flung bodies around the room with just a flick of her wrist or by concentrating hard, and she's been able to feel people's feelings. She forces herself to tap further into her grace and zap herself from the bowels of hell and into the Impala.

"Troubles?" Crowley whispers slyly as he watches her struggle.

"Shut up," she growls, noticing that Crowley's now sitting in a chair with his legs crossed, and sipping on a drink that she guesses he just conjured out of thin air. She rolls her eyes and goes back to concentrating on the shiny black body of the Impala. She opens her mouth to say Sam's name, but remembers what Ruby said earlier, that Sam is the one who led Ruby to her and while part of Lexi refuses to believe it, she knows she can't risk it. "Dean, I want to see Dean," she says firmly, willing for her grace to obey. Crowley laughs and takes another sip of his drink, but she ignores it. "Dean!" she screams, and feels the grace filling her up. "DEAN!"

And her body is pulled away.

***

Drumming his fingers on the steering wheel of the Impala to the beat of Motorhead's Killed by Death, Dean presses the accelerator down to the floor, loving the purr of his baby. Dean enjoys driving at night, there's hardly any cars on the road and he can really let his baby just fly the way she was always meant to. Just as the song changes, his enjoyment is cut off quickly. Suddenly there's an extra body in his car.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Dean roars as he slams on the breaks, the tires squealing loudly. "Lex? What the hell?"

Hearing Dean's voice, Lexi opens her eyes and sees she's not in hell anymore, she's sitting in the Impala, "Dean!" She sobs, wrapping her arms around his neck. "We have to go back to the motel, I'm not safe. My tattoos are gone." She pulls the ripped top of her shirt closed.

"Uh, we're not anywhere near the motel. We cleaned your stuff out of there almost a month ago," Dean answers in a confused tone, but Lexi doesn't hear him. She has this look on her face and he recognizes it instantly, he's made that face. "Wait! Were you in friggen hell? Last time we saw you was at the bar, you freaked out and busted all the lights out of the place. We waited for you, but you never came back. Hey! You can angel zap now?" Dean's voice growing more and more confused and laced with concern.

"It wasn't me," Lexi answers quickly, ignoring Dean's question about her location for the last month. "I didn't do the lights. It was...WAIT! What do you mean, _we?_ You and Cas?" She briefly panics at the thought of Cas being close, but a sharp intake of breath next to her answers her question. She'd know that breathing anywhere and she's surprised she didn't feel him sitting next to her, because she's smashed between the two brothers in the center of the front seat. She's pressed up against Sam.

Slowly she turns her head to look at him. Their eyes meet for just a second and Lexi ducks her head, tearing her eyes away. She scrambles over the seat to get into the back, and wraps herself up in the familiar scratchy green blanket.

Dean grunts, "Okay, then." And shifts the Impala down into drive and tears down the highway.

***

After the most awkward forty-seven minute drive in the history of the universe, Dean parks the Impala in front of the first motel he sees. Before the three of them get out of the car, he shoves a fist full of cash in Sam's hand. "Go get us a room, Sammy. Me and Lex'll get the bags."

Nodding his head, Sam's eyes catch Lexi's wide and worried eyes in the flipped down visor. "Just one room?" He asks his question softly, his words directed more towards Lexi than Dean.

"Unless you've suddenly become a fucking Rockefeller in the last twenty minutes, yeah. Just one damn room," Dean snaps before stepping out of the car. 

Sam brings his eyes back up to the visor mirror and finds Lexi staring back at him. "I'll be right back." He exits the car quickly and jogs up to the motel office. 

Lexi meets Dean at the rear of the Impala, trying to keep herself calm and not blow the Impala's taillights or windows out. Dean can tell she's uncomfortable, she keeps wringing her hands together and tossing worried glances toward Sam. 

"Anything you wanna tell me about?" Dean asks, pulling a weapons bag and a bottle of booze from the trunk. He silently wonders if he's going to get the same sideways responses from Lexi as he gets from Sam. 

"Yeah," she nods her head, "But..." Her words stop when she's distracted by the amulet hanging around Dean's neck. With out thinking, she reaches out and runs her fingers over the brass figure. "It's strange seeing you wear this," she whispers.

Dean looks down at his chest, watching Lexi hold the corded amulet in her hand almost reverently. "What? I don't have it then?" The thought of not having the black cord hanging around his neck is almost impossible to him. He hardly ever takes it off, never lets it out of sight, he can't imagine ever getting rid of it.

Lexi lets out a breath and shakes her head. "Don't ever take this off, okay? Because I didn't...because I didn't change anything, you might..." She pauses and looks up at Dean and presses her hand into his chest gently. "Just don't take it off, okay?"

His eyebrows knitted in confusion, Dean rests his hand on Lexi's and shakes his head. "I swear, I wont." He offers a smile that he attempts to be comforting because it's obvious to him that the possible loss of one of his most treasured possessions is concerning Lexi. "So, Lex, you gotta tell me. Were you in hell? I know you said you can't tell me anything, but if you're in trouble, you gotta let us help you."

"Okay." She resolves after a split second decision to tell Dean everything, regardless of the consequences. She knows she's not going to be around to help with the heavy lifting, when the boys really need her, she might as well do what she can with what little time she has left. "Dean, I'll tell you everything, but you have to know that whatever happens to me after I do, it's not your fault. Okay? I know how you work. I know you blame yourself for shit you have no control over and this, whatever happens to me, it's not on you." 

Dean's forehead creases in worry and concern and he turns away from Lexi. "Then forget it." He opens the trunk, rummages through some bags and pulls out an anti-possession charm. Without a word, he tugs the suede cord over her head along with one of the angel charms Cas gave her that day back at the cabin. Not meeting her eyes, he does back to rummaging in the trunk, yanking out a bag and a second brown bagged bottle of whiskey.

"What?" Lexi yells, stunned at Dean's response. "Forget it? NO! I have to--"

"We're in room twelve." Sam interrupts after coming out of no where, making Lexi jump.

Both bottles of whiskey shatter in Dean's hands, spilling down his legs and boots. "If you're gonna do that, back away from the car," he warns through clenched teeth.

"Sorry," Lexi mutters, grabbing the last bag out of the trunk and closing it. Sam leads the way to the room.

Once inside the room, Sam and Dean grab containers of salt and begin making lines in front of the door and windows. Lexi digs in the weapons bag and finds that Dean did pack up everything, her charms and bundles of herbs are in a cigar box, along with the needed ingredients for the protection spell she cast over the door in her last motel room. She strategically hangs the charms on the wooden door frame and the spray of herbs above it. After she mixes the herbs and ingredients for the protection spell, she kneels down in front of the door, onto the crusty rust orange carpeting and whispers the spell, then watches the violet shimmer gleam over the door.

"Tried to make that work in the last place we stayed at. Musta said the spell wrong." Dean breaks the silence as he tosses his salt canister back in the weapons bag.

Lexi shrugs her shoulders. "Want me to write it down in case...you know, I'm not around the next time you need it?"

Sam clears his throat, but it's Dean that answers, "Nah, I think we're good."

The tension in the tiny motel room is thick and painful and only made worse by the fact that no one is talking.

"Anyone hungry?" Sam breaks first, not able to stand the tension in the room any longer.

"Suppose it's been awhile since you've eaten, huh Lex?" Dean asks.

"I could eat." Lexi looks up at Dean, forcing her eyes on him and not Sam. "I saw a pizza place when we came into town. I can go--"

Both Sam and Dean open their mouths to object to Lexi leaving the motel room, but ultimately Dean wins and he voices his concern first. "There's no way you're leaving this room. You've got heaven and hell on your ass, it's suicide if you step out that door and you know it."

Squinting her eyes, Lexi glares at Dean. "You can't keep me in here. You can't--"

Dean interrupts, "I swear to God, you say you know how I work? Well, I friggen know how you work and you're not sacrificing yourself for us. I'll tie you to a damn chair if I have to." He adds a smirk, to let Lexi know he's joking, but his voice makes it clear that he'll do it if he needs to. When it's obvious Lexi's not buying it, he starts to let out a sigh, but it's cut short when he stumbles backward and lands on one of the beds, unable to move.

"Tie me to a chair? No. You won't." Lexi chuckles as her grace pins Dean to the bed even though he struggles with everything he has to get away from it. Once he finally gives in to the fact that Lexi's stronger than he is, she stands up from her chair, and extends her hand to Dean, to help him off the bed. "I won't leave this room, not tonight, but you can't keep me here. I know what I have to do." Her eyes flicker over to Sam just for a second and then flicker back to Dean. "And no one, not even you, is going to keep me from doing it."

Dean accepts her hand with a frown and lets her help him up off the bed. Once upright, he holds his hands up in mock surrender with a smirk. "Alright, fine, but how about we just do delivery?"

"No green peppers on my half," she says to Dean with a half-smile.

***

An hour and a half later, their bellies are full of green pepper-less pizza. Sam is sitting stiffly in one of the kitchenette chairs, while Dean and Lexi are on the musty smelling two person sofa, passing a flask back and forth between them as they of them watch a re-run of MASH on the motel's black and white TV. The TV doesn't have volume, so Dean and Lexi are taking turns, attempting rather poorly, to read lips, making up their own version of the script, each sentence more ridiculous than the one before it, as their buzz from the alcohol increases. During a commercial break and a lull in Mystery Science Theater-esque conversation, Sam's phone buzzes in his pocket. He fishes it out quickly and sends the call straight to voice mail.

Dean rolls his eyes and takes a long pull out of the flask, draining the last of it's contents. In a slightly annoyed and Classic Dean Winchester rough tone, he asks, "Lex, you wouldn't by chance know who keeps callin' Sammy, wouldya?"

Sam's shoulders tense and Lexi freezes, a huge exchange of emotion from the bond coming and going from Sam to Lexi and from Lexi to Sam. Of course she knows who is calling Sam. It's Ruby. She doesn't quite understand why she does it, considering that she was hell bent on telling Dean everything, not three hours earlier, but she lies to Dean, "Nope. No clue. Your phone calls weren't exactly Dear Diary moments." She makes her answer a joke, hoping to deflect Dean's question. 

Rolling his eyes, and making it clear her attempts at deflection failed, Dean heaves himself up off the couch with a huff. He roughly grabs at bag from the floor and tosses it to Lexi. "This is the stuff we packed up from the motel room." He doesn't wait for her to answer, he just stomps off to the bathroom with his bag.

Lexi scoops the bag up off the floor and brings it over to the bed, pulling out what's inside to take stock. She leaves the wooden box with the opal necklace, the crinkled yellow post-it from when the demons took her on her birthday, and the engagement ring Sam gave her, hidden in the bottom of the bag. She sets her gun on the bedside table, taking note that everything she'd left in the motel room is packed inside. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Sam reach for his bag and pull out a pair of cotton pants. "Thanks for packing up all my stuff," she whispers to Sam as she shoves everything, but a clean pair of flannel pajama pants and a tee shirt back into her bag.

"Dean packed it up," Sam answers softly.

"Oh." She sits down on the bed and takes her shoes off, tossing them to the wall next to the door. She reaches for the button of her jeans to take them off and change clothes, but stops and looks over her shoulder at Sam. His eyes catch her's and immediately he just knows. Since Dean's in the bathroom, Sam turns around gives Lexi the only privacy he can.

With their backs to each other, they quickly change clothes. Both of them trying to block the wide array of feeling coming through the bond, but entirely unsuccessful.

"Stop it," Lexi pleads when she feels Sam yearn for her forgiveness. It's extremely painful, heartbreaking and agonizing, and she adds, "Please, Sam, just don't."

With out looking at Sam, she stands up from the bed and turns down the blankets. She lies on her side, back to Sam, tucking the sheets in up to her chin. She didn't realize how tired she actually was, but she falls asleep before she even nestles into the pillow.

She's not asleep for long and she feels the bed sag next to her. She doesn't have to roll over to know it's Dean, she can smell his soap. The shower running in the background and Dean on the other side of the bed, lets Lexi know that Sam's in the shower. And even with the tension between her and Sam, added to the tension between Sam and Dean, Lexi knows she's more safe than she's been in months. The thought comforts her and she falls back to sleep.

It fells like just seconds later, when she feels a strong jolt come through the bond, waking her from a deep sleep. Instantly she's upright in bed, looking around in the dark, the light from the bathroom just barely illuminating the room. "What is it?" She calls out, "What's wrong?"

Sam clears his throat and in an instant Lexi just knows, it's jealously that she feels. He nudges Dean who is out cold next to Lexi, drooling on the pillow. "I need to talk to you, _outside_."

Dean sits up from the bed and reaches over to the bedside table, snapping on the light. "Sammy, what the hell? I'm trying to sleep."

"Outside, now!" Sam growls.

"Sam! You've got to be kidding me!" Lexi yells as she gets out of bed. "You're actually jealous? After everything?" She scoffs, "After everything _you did_ , you're jealous of Dean drooling on the pillow next to me and not curled up in a ball on the couch? You don't get to be jealous, not anymore. Not after you..." She stops, not wanting to talk about this in front of Dean. 

"Jesus Christ! I'm up!" Dean yells, pulling on a pair of jeans over the shorts he wore to bed. "Look," he glares sleepily at Sam and then Lexi. "I know you two have shit to talk about. I'm gonna go...somewhere. Anywhere but here." He shrugs on his jacket and barks the spell at the door, quickly leaving. 

With a huff, Lexi follows Dean to the door, but not to leave, she quickly says the protection spell and leans against the wall. "Sam, you don't get to...you can't...and it's Dean for crying out loud! He's my friggen brother-in...was my brother-in-law. Was..." She lets her words trail off. 

"I know!" He yells out in a frustrated tone. "I know I don't get---"

"YOU CHOSE RUBY!" She screams, they both ignore the loud popping noise the TV makes when the screen cracks. "You made your choice and it wasn't me!" 

"I know and I'm sorry! Alright?" Sam yells, scrubbing his hand over his face. 

"You're sorry? Oh, that's nice, Sam! You're sorry. Well, that makes me feel a whole lot better! Thanks for that!" She yells sarcastically, pacing up and down the small space the motel room offers. "Sorry for what exactly? Sorry for leaving me all alone? Sorry for fucking a God damned demon? Sorry for drinking her blood? Sorry for lying to me? To Dean? Sorry for telling Ruby where I was? Sorry for tearing down all my warding at the bar so she could take me?" 

"What? I didn't tell Ruby--" 

"Oh, right!" Lexi interrupts. "You didn't tell Ruby about where I was. She fucking told me you did, Sam! She told me right after she..." _Stabbed me. Tried to kill me. Tried to trap me and keep me forever._

"Right after she did what?" Sam's face softens and fills with concern, then remorse. He walks over to her and when his hand barely grazes her shoulder, he realizes his mistake. 

Sam flies backward and crashes into the wall on the other side of his bed. He's not hurt, his elbow went through the cheap and thin wall, but he's not hurt, and he knows he deserved it, and probably a million more. 

"Don't touch me. You don't get to touch me anymore." 

Sam watches from the floor with remorseful eyes as Lexi climbs back into bed with her back toward him and he remembers her bloody and ripped clothing when she appeared in the Impala. "Did she hurt you?" He asks so softly she almost doesn't hear him. 

"No." She answers firmly.

But he knows she's lying. "I know you have no reason to believe me and I know I don't deserve it, but I didn't tell Ruby where you were. I didn't take down the warding at the bar and I didn't know she was going to come. I swear I didn't know."

"You're right, I don't believe you." As the words tumble vindictively from her lips, she's shocked and overwhelmed at her own voice. Never in a million years would she ever think her-Sam would lie to her, but the man in the motel room with her is so far from her-Sam.

"For what it's worth..." Sam stands up from the floor and pulls out his wallet. "I swear on this, that I didn't do it." He sets something down on the bedside table. 

With an eye roll and a quiet scoff, Lexi pushes herself up off the bed to see what could possibly be so important to Sam, or to her, that his vow would mean anything, after his betrayal.

When she looks down on the bedside table, her face softens, her heart aches and immediately tears fall from her eyes. It's the picture from her wallet, it's of a hugely pregnant Lexi, her daughter Alex, and Sam, all smiling in the sun on the beach. Lexi cradles the picture in her hands, crying and smiling down on the crinkled glossy paper that is actual proof that she once knew how to smile, how to really smile, and mean it with all her heart. This worn snapshot is undeniable proof that she once had a good life, a life not filled with vengeful angels and war, or death, pain, loss and constant fear. It's irrefutable evidence that Sam is telling the truth, he didn't do the horrible and heinous things Ruby pinned on him. Her-Sam or not, he would never swear on something this sacrosanct.

"Sam, I..." But she's unable to continue, the sobs are shaking her whole body. 

Ever so slowly, Sam sinks to his knees in front of Lexi and hesitantly reaches for her hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I swear, I never wanted you to get hurt."

Lexi looks up at Sam with overflowing eyes and tear stained cheeks and just looks at him. When she doesn't say anything, doesn't give any indication that she wants him to shut the hell up or go away, or that she's going to send him flying across the room again, Sam continues with the utmost sincerity. "I was wrong when I blamed you for Dean. This is not your fault, Lexi. None of it is, it's mine and I swear I would fix it if I knew how. I just don't know how to stop, I just...I just want to stop."

The day she read Dean's journal entry about when he and Bobby locked Sam in the panic room, after they found out about Sam drinking blood, was a painful discovery for Lexi. She had waited days to ask Sam about it, scared he'd be angry with her for bringing up such painful memories, but to her surprise, he had been very forth coming and explained his vicious hallucinations to her in graphic detail, recounting each and every horrific hallucination. This memory flashes vividly in her mind when she hears Sam tell her he wants to stop, reminding her that it might not be that easy for Sam to "just stop," but she doesn't care. She couldn't change anything before, but she promises herself she'll change this, she doesn't know how she'll do it, but she silently swears she will. She made a vow to her husband that she'd stick by his side for better or for worse and if this situation doesn't qualify as a "for worse" she doesn't know what does. She decides that she's not going to tell Dean about what happens in just weeks, because she's got Sam back and she's not going to allow any of it to happen.

Slowly she takes her hands out of Sam's gentle grasp and brings them up to his face. The pads of her thumbs rub softly over the apples of Sam's cheeks before she lets them wander up into his hair. Sam closes his eyes and lets out a pained breath, leaning into her touch and it takes him by utter surprise when she leans down and kisses him. Just for a second, their lips move together slowly, reacquainting themselves with each other, though not even time could truly make them forget. With each kiss and every touch, they both feel the familiar emptiness inside their chests, the hollowness in their hearts and they both can feel the ache with in their souls where the others soul is supposed to be. The bonding ritual tethered Lexi's soul to Sam's, and his to hers, but the distance between the two of them, the near constant attempts to block one another out, it's all but ripped the two souls apart. But it's the reconnection of lips, hearts and bodies that makes their souls one again, binds them together and makes them whole once more.

As the gentle peacefulness overtakes both Lexi and Sam, another feeling that is so powerful, so strong, that Lexi doesn't recognize it. It feels like her grace, like when she can't control it and it just takes over, but this time it's different, it's stronger and almost like it's taken on a life of it's own and is intent to erupt from her soul. It doesn't feel bad or wrong, it doesn't feel evil, but it's so intense coming from her very core, threatening to burst through her whole body.

Sam can feel it too, he can feel this indescribable power radiating from Lexi. He can feel it in her kisses, in her gentle touches and he can feel it pulsating from her soul and into his.

"Lexi?" He asks, pulling away slightly from her kisses, "What is that?" But Lexi doesn't answer. Her head falls limply backward, but Sam catches it in his hands before it snaps back painfully. Just as fear and panic take over Sam, he sees Lexi's body is glowing. There's a brilliant blue-white glow covering her whole body and she's warm, not hot, but comfortably warm. She's completely limp in his hands now, having slid off the edge of the bed, now draped over Sam's lap like a rag doll.

"Lexi..." Sam whispers.

"Sam, it's okay," she moans weakly. "I'm going to fix you."

Just like the night of the ritual, that crisp fall evening on Lexi's rock over the river, a shining white light bursts from Lexi's chest. Except this time it doesn't dissipate right away. There's a stillness that wraps itself around the two of them, cradling them in it's infinite serenity, while the world spins at with impossible velocity around them. Lexi's still lying limp in Sam's arms, but her blue eyes are looking up at him and she doesn't have to utter a word, Sam just knows - everything will be okay. For an instant they stare at each other while they sit in the eye of the storm, everything and nothing circling them in a blue-white blur and then all at once, the world goes silent, like nothing ever happened.

Sam watches slightly confused as Lexi perches herself up on Sam's lap. With a quick and graceful movement and eyes cast downward, she takes his left hand in her right, clasping it tightly and pressing it to his chest. For the first time in a long time, he can't feel Lexi, he can't feel what she's feeling, it's like she's not there.

"Close your eyes, Sam," Lexi orders him in a voice that's not hers. It's comforting, but authoritative, yet peaceful at the same time. It's whisper soft, but resonates off the nicotine stained walls of the motel room. Sam doesn't know why, but he's helpless to obey. Just before he does what he is told, his hazel eyes catch Lexi's, except now they're not sapphire blue, they're shiny, almost glowing silver-blue.

His hunter's instincts kick in and scream in his mind that this woman sitting on his lap, inhabiting his love's body, is in fact not his love, but feelings of safety, fondness, devotion and trust, trump hunter's instinct, and Sam obeys. The second he closes his eyes a high pitched hum and a blinding light fill the room. Sam feels something tingly start at the tip of his toes and work itself up through his body and fly out the crown of his head. When he opens his eyes, the light is gone and Lexi is sitting on his lap with tears in her eyes.

"What was that?" Sam begs with wide eyes. He couldn't describe the experience even if he tried, it felt powerful, ethereal and divine, but he doesn't know why. 

"How do you feel?" Lexi answers his question with one of her own. The glow gone from her body, her eyes ocean blue, and her voice as if it never changed.

"I-I-I don't...I don't know," he stutters, barely able to concentrate on a single thought.

Tears continue to fall down Lexi's face, but she smiles through them, beaming up at Sam. "Yes you do. Think, Sam. How do you _feel_?"

"I feel..." It's a feeling he hasn't felt in so long, maybe ever, it feels good and pure, but he can't put his finger on it. "I feel... _clean._ "

Lexi throws her arms around Sam's neck and holds on tightly. "It's going to be okay. I did it."

"You did what?" He begs, tears falling from his eyes.

"The demon blood, Sam," She whispers, kissing his salty lips softly. "It's gone."


	32. Chapter 32

Sam aches. His heart aches, but it's that good kind of ache, like it's chock-full of love and peace and hope and contentment. It's akin to overstuffing a cheap suitcase; if he feels one more good feeling, if he tries to tuck away one more beautiful memory and hide it deep inside his heart, it'll burst at the seams right inside his chest. He does it anyway and he loves it. 

But there's another ache and thankfully it's not as bad as some aches he's had in his life, but it's a dull ache just the same. Sam's been sitting with his legs crossed on the rust colored motel carpeting for hours now, while Lexi has her legs wrapped around his waist, her face buried in the collar of his plaid brown with blue button up shirt, and her arms wrapped around his neck. If he didn't know any better, he'd think she was asleep, except he does know better. 

Her breaths, he can feel them warm and humid against his neck, are coming in almost dangerously slow; he counts four of his own breaths for each one she takes. But as slow as they are, they come in steady and almost every eighth breath, he feels the pad of Lexi's thumb run over the little hairs at the base of his neck. Even though he's counting the seconds between her tiny movements and listening intently for every single breath, each time her thumb skims over that little patch of flesh he shivers just a little bit. And he doesn't know if he imagines it or not, but he'd bet the Impala and all his earthly possessions that every time he shivers, as slight as his movements may be, Lexi smiles just a little bit. 

Sam loves it, achy legs and all, and he wouldn't trade it for the world.

Happier than he's ever been in probably his entire life, Sam pulls Lexi tighter to his chest and leans back on the side of the bed, and closes his eyes just for a second.

**_I did it._ **

Sam's whole body goes still when he hears a soft voice echo inside his mind. At first, he thinks maybe he's fallen asleep and is dreaming the voice, but when he hears it again he's quite sure he's awake. He peeks down at Lexi, snuggled up to his chest, thinking maybe it was her who whispered, but her eyes are closed, and she hasn't moved in six breaths.

**_It's over, I actually did it._ **

He hears it again and he recognizes the voice, he doesn't understand it, but he'd know the voice anywhere. "Lexi?" 

If she hears him, she doesn't give any indication. She stays perfectly still, the only thing he can feel is her heart beating too slowly in her chest. The second he tries to push the notion that he's hearing voices, that he's going crazy, out of his mind, a rush of feelings comes at him, like a gale force wind. 

**_Sam?_ **

**_Lexi?_** He whispers hesitantly in his mind.

 ** _What are you doing?_** She begs, her voice almost panicked _._

**_I don't...I'm not... What are YOU doing?_ **

**_You can hear me?_  **

**_I guess._** He answers silently, while he tries to acclimate himself to the feeling of being inside Lexi's mind. **_How? How are you doing this?_**

**_The grace. It's over, Sam. I did it. We did it!_ _Open your eyes, Sam._ **

He does as she asks and looks around the motel room. It looks just the same as it did before, in spite of the blue-white whirl wind that took place just moments before. "They are open," he tells Lexi, who's still sitting in his lap.

**_No, in here._ **

Sam flinches when he feels a gentle finger tap the side of his forehead, but Lexi doesn't stir in his lap, he felt the soft touch inside his mind.

**_Open_ _your eyes._ _Look._**

He closes his eyes and focuses his mind, he tries so hard to do as Lexi asked, but can't. He can feel her, not the _her_ in his lap, but like she is right _there_.

When he feels a ghost of a touch against his face, he opens his eyes, and sees that he's in a new place. The sun is shining brightly in the clear blue sky above him, warming his skin with it's golden rays. He's standing in a patch of neatly trimmed green grass, trees surrounding him that shade part of the space in front of him. To his left, there is a white two story house with dark blue shutters around the windows, a double stall garage with the Impala parked in front. He doesn't know where he is, has never seen this house before, but the air smells familiar to him. The air is warm with the faint smell of grass and hay, with the tiniest note of something he can't put his finger on; something he's smelled a million times before, almost like motor oil, but surely that smell doesn't belong here.

"Lexi?" He calls out to her again, but it isn't inside his head, he actually says the word aloud.

His eyes quickly dart over the landscape of the unknown location, looking for anything out of place, anything that doesn't belong. When his eyes make their way back to the patch of green grass, he sees Lexi sitting on a red and white checked blanket, a bundle of something cradled in her arms.

"Come here." She smiles up at him, carefully adjusting whatever she's holding in her lap. When Sam doesn't move, she waves him over with a hand. "It's okay. Just come here."

Wary of the new situation, Sam slowly puts one foot in front of the other and walks across the green grass, but freezes when a small child runs up to him.

"Daddy!" The little girl squeals as she climbs her way up his legs and chest, clinging to him like a spider monkey. Sam's eyes bulge out of their sockets just a little bit as he looks down on the girl snuggling into his chest and patting the side of his face. Her bouncy, light brown curls are decorated with white satin ribbons, her eyes are a brighter blue than the sky above him, and there is a gentle splash of golden freckles across the bridge of her nose. His chest heaves in a silent sob as he recognizes the little girl wrapped in his arms. He's only seen one picture of her, but the recognition is instantaneous.

It's his daughter, Alex.

"Hi," he whispers softly and buries his nose in one of her pigtails, breathing in a smell that can only be described as strawberries and Play-Dough. Holding her tightly to his chest, he can feel the soft fabric of her pale blue dress under his hands, and he forgets for the moment that this is all in his mind.

"Let's go to Mommy," Alex squeaks with glee. "She's got cupcakes!" She wiggles herself out of his grasp and shimmies herself down his legs, but before she runs off toward Lexi, she wraps her tiny hand around Sam's pointer finger and tugs with every ounce of strength she has. "C'mon," she giggles and leads him across the lawn.

In a deliriously happy daze, he lets this little child, _his child_ , take him to the blanket, spread out in the grass. Alex abandons his finger and runs straight for the picnic basket, digging inside and producing a cupcake. He can't make himself move, not that he wants to leave this place, not ever, he just watches with wide eyes as Alex shoves as much of the prized cupcake in her mouth as she can, smearing chocolate frosting across her face. He can't help but laugh at the sight.

"Sam," Lexi says gently, pulling himself out of his own thoughts. "Please, sit down." But Sam can't tear his eyes away from Alex. He's scared that if he stops looking at her for even a second, his little girl will disappear.  As if Lexi knows exactly what he's thinking, she shifts the bundle in her lap and reaches up for Sam's hand. "It's okay, she's not going anywhere."

With a heavy breath, Sam trusts Lexi and sits down on the blanket, criss-crossing his legs. "What is this?" His eyes flick quickly to Lexi and move back to Alex, watching her lick frosting from her sticky little fingers. Her pigtails shine in the sunlight and he can't resist reaching out and running his fingers over the delicate curls. His heart about melts when Alex looks back and tosses a chocolate covered smile to him.

"It's home," Lexi answers with a far away voice. "This is where I come when I sleep, when I stare out windows and get lost in my thoughts. This was our home, Sam. This was our life."

"How? I mean, how--" But Sam's question is cut off as the bundle in Lexi's arms wiggles and lets out a cry. "That's not... Lexi, is that..."

"Sam, I'd like you to meet someone." She smiles with tears falling from her cheeks. "This...this is Antonia." Lexi pulls back the pale lavender blanket to reveal a tiny baby with a head covered in dark brown hair that curls at the ends. Reaching into the picnic basket at her side, Lexi pulls out a bottle of milk and hands it to Sam. "She's hungry, would you like to feed her?"

With his mouth open wide, he nods his head. "I've never held..."

"It's okay. You're a natural, I swear."

Lexi carefully maneuvers Antonia into Sam's arms, showing him how to cradle her head in the crook of his elbow and he dares to touch her soft brown hair. Lexi hands Sam the bottle and he hesitantly tips it to her mouth, watching as Antonia latches on with her tiny pink mouth, and begins to suck, making contented little whimpers as she enjoys her meal. Just when Sam thinks this moment couldn't get any more perfect, Antonia's impossibly small little hand rests on top of his and makes a tight fist around his little finger.

Sam watches, completely amazed, as Antonia's little eyes open up and look at him. He remembers from biology class in school that babies generally have blue eyes when they're this young and is pleasantly shocked when he sees that Antonia's eyes are mirror images of his own; mostly brown and green, with tiny splashes of blue and fleck of yellow painted around the jewel-like irises. He notices little dimples in her chubby pink cheeks as she swallows the warm milk enthusiastically from her bottle. He also sees she's got the tiniest fleck of a birth mark just to the left side of her nose, these features all borrowed from him. He knows in an instant, deep in his gut, he'd give a million more, he'd give anything to both of these girls he's only known for minutes. 

It's a pleasant surprise when Alex climbs carefully into his lap, bringing the smell of chocolate cupcake with her, and reaches down gingerly to Antonia's bottle. "Like this, Daddy," Alex explains as she tips the bottle up slightly with frosting coated fingers. "You gotta hold it up a lil bit, so baby doesn't get a belly ache. Isn't that right, Momma?"

Lexi nods her head. "That's right, baby doll. You do such a good job taking care of Antonia. You're so smart."

"I'm her big sister, it's my job," Alex whispers, wise beyond her years. "Just like Uncle Dean took care of you, right Daddy?"

Failing at every attempt to swallow the lump in his throat, Sam's voice cracks when he answers his daughter's question. "That's right. Uncle Dean took real good care of me." 

Alex smiles proudly at her father's words and quickly jumps up off Sam's lap. "I'm gonna go play on the swings!"

"Stay close, okay?" Lexi reaches up and wipes away a dollop of frosting from Alex's face.

"Kay," Alex chirps and skips off across the yard, curls bouncing with every hop.

"She's older than I pictured," Sam whispers as he looks down on Antonia.

"Alex? Yeah, I always seem to picture her older when I come here, maybe around four years old? I like to talk to her, have her tell me stories about the games she plays or her favorite toys. But Antonia, she's always a tiny baby, I never got to see her get much older than this," Lexi whispers sadly. "I'm glad you got to meet them," she adds with a smile.

"Me too," Sam agrees, reaching up to touch the side of Lexi's face. "You think we'll ever have this again? You, me...them?"

"I like to think so. Maybe someday we'll---" But her words are cut off.

"Sammy! I know there's a monster out here somewhere! I can feel it," Dean yells as he walks out the front door of the house.

Sam stiffens and protectively pulls Antonia closer to his chest, while his eyes dart around the yard for Alex. Lexi rests a hand on his shoulder and shakes her head. "Not that kind of monster. There aren't any of those here, not anymore. Just watch."

Suddenly, Alex comes bursting from around the side of the house, running as fast as her little legs can carry her and vaults up into Dean's arms. She covers his face with chocolate sticky kisses and Dean kisses her plump cheeks back, making obnoxious kissing noises that send Alex into a giggle frenzy.

He licks his lips and laughs. "Now how in the world are you so lucky to get to eat a..." He pauses, as if to think really hard about the taste he has on his lips, teasing Alex.

"A chocolate cupcake, Uncle Dean! Momma made 'em." She points to Lexi and Sam sitting on the blanket. "She let me have--" but her words morph into delightful little squeals as Dean attacks her sticky chocolate face once more. "STOP! Uncle Dee- STOP! Don't take my freckles!"

Sam grins at Lexi and mouths silently, _Don't take my freckles?_

Laughing, Lexi answers, "Just watch."

"But I have to take your freckles!" Dean booms in a happy voice that Sam's not heard in more years than he cares to count. "Every day you wake up with five more freckles and I get five less." He tickles her sides, causing her to laugh uncontrollably. "You, my favorite little monster, keep stealing MY freckles! One day I'm going to look in the mirror and they'll all be gone!" He sets her carefully down so she's standing on the ground and squats down to her height, straightening out her bunched up dress. "If I wake up and don't have any freckles, what will I do?" He teases.

"I won't take 'em all, Dee. I promise," Alex vows seriously. 

"You can have as many as you want, kiddo." Dean smiles. "So how about we go to the zoo like we talked about? I'm done with work for today."

"No bad guys to catch today?" She looks up at Dean with huge glittering eyes.

"Nope. Just me and my best girls today." He bumps her nose with his pointer finger. 

"Antonia can come?" Alex squeals, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. 

"Whaddya say, Lex?" Dean asks after scooping Alex up and walking across the yard. "Me and Bobby take the rugrats to the zoo?"

"Sure." Lexi smiles. 

"Then you and Sammy can have some alone time, if ya know what I mean." Dean waggles his eyebrows suggestively. 

Sam's cheeks flush involuntarily and he rolls his eyes up at his brother, but he holds Antonia tightly to his chest when Lexi reaches to take her from his arms.

"It's okay. We can see them anytime," Lexi assures him. 

After a second, he loosens his hold on the sleeping baby in his arms, lets Lexi gather her up, and hand her off to Dean. 

"I'll have 'em back after supper. Pizza sound good," he asks a still jumping Alex.

"Can Grampa Bobby come?" She begs with a smile. 

"You know it! C'mon, squirt, let's go get him." 

Alex turns to follow Dean to the Impala, but stops and runs back to Sam. "Bye, Daddy." She hugs him tight with her small arms. "See you later!"

"Bye, Alex," Sam whispers, returning her hug. 

"Daddyyyyyyy," Alex whines. "You're not supposed to call me Alex. I'm your princess," she exclaims with a little hop.

He pauses for just a second to wipe a tear from his eye before it falls down his cheek. "Bye, Princess."

Once correctly addressed, she wiggles out of Sam's hug and runs after Dean. "Bye Mommy!!!!"

"Bye, sweetie." Lexi whispers. 

Sam and Lexi watch as Dean digs in the pink bag over his shoulder, pulls out a cloth, and wipes the chocolate from Alex's face. He buckles both girls carefully inside their car seats, in the back of the Impala, then hands Alex a sparkly bright pink cup of juice. Once Dean climbs into the driver's seat, the Impala rumbles to life and drives slowly down the driveway, out of sight. 

"Was he really like that?" Sam wonders with a grin. 

Lexi nods her head as she stands up from the red and white checkered blanket. "Worse," she admits with a laugh. "Those girls had him wrapped around their little fingers. You too." She holds out her hand to Sam. "Let's go inside."

He takes her hand, noticing her wedding band and a different engagement ring on her finger, but it's very similar to the one he gave her at Christmas. He doesn't mention it, and just follows Lexi inside the house. 

"So this is where we lived? In Sioux Falls, near Bobby I assume?" 

"Yep. Bobby gave us the land for a wedding present. It's about a mile behind the salvage yard, and Dean built is the house." She leads them through the foyer and into the kitchen. 

Sam looks around as the stainless steel appliances and the fruit bowl on the counter. There's mail in a basket on the wall, next to a clock and pale yellow curtains covering the windows. Four chairs circle around the table in the corner and a high chair sits next to it, with an 'I love my daddy' bib draped over the back. A handful of toys litter the floor; dolls, tiny plastic dishes and spoons, tiaras and fairy wings show off their bright colors against the white ceramic floor tiles. 

"And it looked just like this," he asks in awe. 

"Down to the very last finger painting on the fridge." 

She's right, the fridge is covered with Dora the Explorer and Sesame Street coloring pages, and thick construction paper painted portraits of blobby little people. One he can tell is of all of them, Sam standing next to Lexi, Dean next to the Impala (which is a bright purple and green, because he's sure traditional finger paints don't come with a black) and Alex with a princess crown atop her head and a pink smudge in Lexi's arms, he guesses is Antonia. 

"The girls' room is through there." She points to a white door with pink and yellow daisy stickers plastered all over it. "Dean's apartment is through there." Lexi gestures to a maple door off the kitchen. Living room down the hall and our room..." She takes Sam by the hand. "Is upstairs."

They walk up exactly twelve stairs and behind another maple door is a queen sized bed, covered in a slate gray bedspread with embroidered off white and sky blue vines. The walls are tongue and groove with shelves and framed pictures strategically placed around the room. He sees the familiar wedding picture, Lexi in a simple white dress and Sam in a shirt and tie. Next to it is another picture with Bobby, a woman he doesn't recognize, Cas, Dean, him, Lexi and Crowley. 

"Crowley was at our wedding?" He smirks, shaking his head. 

"The picture with Crowley and Cas was taken later, he and Cas weren't there that day. They should have been, but they weren't. They were both too busy playing God."

"Too busy playing God? If I asked, would you tell me?"

Lexi shakes her head and smiles.

"I thought as much," Sam answers with a roll of his eyes.

"Crowley is Antonia's God-father, too."

So, a demon is my daughter's God-father? I'm not going to point out the irony of that situation," He says dryly.

"He's not just a demon then, Sam. Just a goofy man, kind of like the pervy pretend uncle everyone has." She laughs. 

"Who's the woman?" He asks pointing to the brown haired lady next to Bobby. 

"Jody Mills Singer, Bobby's wife. She's the sheriff."

Sam laughs. "Not gonna point out the irony of that statement either."

"Yeah," she agrees. "Probably for the best." She sits down on the bed and takes Sam with her. 

"So, if Dean comes back to the motel room, what's he going to see?" Sam's been dying to ask this question practically this whole time. 

"You and me, sitting on the floor. We just look like we're sleeping. I'll know if he comes back." Climbing up onto Sam's lap she starts to unsnap the buttons of his shirt. "But you probably shouldn't be thinking about Dean right now." She adds with a wink, pulling his shirt down his arms and letting it fall to the bed. 

"Nope, not thinking about Dean," Sam answers with a smile, fully aware where this is going. He pulls Lexi's shirt over her head, unclasps her bra and lifts her up off his lap, lying her down on the bed. 

The rest of their clothes come off and Sam is kissing down Lexi's neck, sucking gently into her skin, and enjoying the little noises she makes under him. "God, I missed you," he breathes into her skin. "I'm so sorry for---" 

Lexi cuts him off with a kiss. "You don't have to apologize. I know and it's okay. I forgive you, Sam Winchester, I forgive you." 

Letting his forehead rest against Lexi's, he cradles her face in his hands. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do. You deserve me and so much more, Sam. I love you, I always have. I just need you to promise me something."

"Anything. I swear it, anything," he groans as she peppers his neck with kisses. 

"Don't ever leave me again. You have to promise me, I can't do that again. Please, Sam, please." She rocks her hips up into his, begging him in more ways than one.

"Never." He slides inside her, giving into both her pleas and letting out a deep, low moan. "Never again."

They move together, slow and slick, enjoying the reconnection of their bodies, minds and souls. It doesn't matter that it technically isn't real, that it's all in their minds, because they're together in more ways than either of them ever imagined possible. And just as Lexi moans out Sam's name and Sam's hips stutter and then still, the world around them blurs into the likeness of a watercolor painting. Bright and bold shades of Lexi's world drip down a stark white canvas, making puddles and rivers of a life Lexi once loved and then had brutally taken away from her, a life that Sam craves more than he can comprehend, and they're back in the dingy and bland motel room. 

Sam's legs ache again, his butt is numb, and his neck is twisted back on the bed in such a way that he winces when he tries to lift it up. He looks at the clock on the night stand as sees that they were only "gone" for twenty three minutes, but it felt like a lifetime to him. When he looks down at Lexi, she's watching him with big blue eyes, just observing him as he collects himself and gets his bearings from being back in reality. 

With a sudden and quick movement, they're gone from the floor and nestled in Sam's bed, under the covers. He can feel Lexi's warm skin next to his and he realizes they're completely naked. 

"You angel zapped us six inches?" He laughs in the dark and quiet room. 

"Uh huh," Lexi whispers while she climbs up onto Sam, easing him inside her and moving her hips slowly. 

"I think I can get on board with that," he groans, running his fingers up and down her back. 

Lexi presses her lips to Sam's and murmurs, "I thought so."


	33. Chapter 33

It's well after four AM when Dean finally parks the Impala in front of the motel room. He grunts when he steps out of the car, wondering what shit storm he's going to walk into once he's inside the room. In his mind, he pictures every light bulb busted from their sockets, all the crappy pictures on the walls missing their glass, and a light dusting of broken glass on the equally crappy carpeting. 

He silently reminds himself to keep his shoes on his feet. 

When he pushes the room key into the door's lock, he jumps back in pain. "Jesus fucking Christ!" He yells at the door, cursing himself for forgetting about Lexi's protection spell, all while shaking the numbness from his hand. He grumbles out the Latin, or Celtic, or God only knows what damn language it is, and slowly walks inside the room, bracing himself for the aforementioned shit storm.

The sight of Sam and Lexi tangled in each others limbs takes Dean by surprise. It's not at all what he expected. He remembers the way Lexi glared at Sam after the whole Sam-seeing-Dean-in-Lexi's-bed fiasco (platonic as the day is long) and the first thing that entered Dean's mind was, _if looks could kill._

If it had been anyone else in this world that looked at Sam the way Lexi did, Dean would have made sure that person never looked at anything else ever again. Any other person, any other time, Dean would have jumped to Sam's side and defended him like there was no tomorrow, because Sam's his brother and that's just what you do. Well, it's what Dean does.

But Dean's noticed the near constant look of shame in Sam's eyes over the last few months, like he thinks doesn't deserve forgiveness or absolution, and even if he did, he doesn't want it. It's like Sam's decided the shame is his cross to bear, his Jacob Marley chains, to be worn heavy and cold around his neck in this life and in the next.

And then there's Lexi, with her it's like the light's gone out in her eyes, but what's even worse than that, what kills Dean inside in a way he never thought possible, is that it's like Lexi doesn't even care that the light's gone. It's been like she's lost all the fight in her, like it doesn't matter anymore. Dean knows she's been through so much, maybe not the war and blood that he and Sam have faced, but she's been fighting her own war. She's been fighting it all alone, started by blood and death and while it's different from anything Dean and Sam have faced, it's the same too. But worse at the same time, because she's been fighting it all alone. Dean has Sam, and Sam has Dean, but Lexi has no one. It's just her.

Sam and Lexi were screaming at each other when he left, and part of him thought he'd come back to the same thing. Dean was almost worried for Sam, knowing what Lexi is capable of, but Dean just knows no matter what Sam does to her, this-Sam, Lexi would forgive him. It doesn't quite seem right to Dean, because he knows she's been broken so many times before and after she's come back to them, she doesn't deserve to be broken anymore, but that's what you do with family. You forgive and try your damnedest to forget. Because you're family, no matter what. 

As Dean rounds the corner to go into the bathroom, he notices that Lexi's bare shoulder just barely peeks out of the top of the slightly askew bed sheet. He stares about minute longer than he should, not only because he's Dean and it's nearly impossible for him not to look at a pretty girl, but because the times are so few and far between that Dean gets to see his brother in such a peaceful state.

Sam's face is relaxed, his lips parted slightly and he's not snoring, just breathing deeply, his breaths perfectly in sync with Lexi's. Dean can see Lexi's back rise and fall in time with Sam's chest, underneath the sheet that's draped diagonally down Lexi's back, starting at her shoulder and ending just above Sam's hip. Sam's got Lexi wrapped in his arms, not tight like he's trying to protect her from something, but like he's doing it because he enjoys it, like he's doing it because he can. And Lexi's resting her head on Sam's chest, with her fingers splayed over his skin and her body practically draped over him, like she can't touch him enough, like she's making up for lost time.

"Atta boy, Sammy," Dean whispers with a smirk as he climbs into his own bed and stretches out, enjoying every single inch the queen sized bed offers him.

***

The next day, Dean wakes before the love birds, who haven't moved an single inch, and slips out of the room to get breakfast. When he comes back toting greasy eggs, with buttered toast and several sides of bacon, coffee, and orange juice, the second bed is empty and he hears moans coming from the bathroom. He laughs, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, while diving into his styrofoam box of eggs. After his first bite and after he swears he hears a moan for _more,_ coming from the bathroom, he silently decides to rent a second room, regardless of his non-Rockefeller status.

When his breakfast is gone and Lexi's toast, along with two pieces her of bacon, mysteriously missing from her breakfast, Sam and Lexi finally emerge from the bathroom, wrapped in towels and each others arms. They're staring at each other with goofy grins and swollen lips, they don't even notice Dean.

"Yeah, we'll be gettin' that second room," Dean snarks with a laugh. 

"What time's check out?" Sam grins, not taking his eyes away from Lexi.

Dean looks at his watch and answers, "'Bout another hour and a half." He can't help but smile into his already cold coffee. _Crazy kids..._

"Kay, see you in an hour," Sam purrs, reaching his face down to kiss Lexi, but stops when her eyebrow cocks up. "An hour and fifteen minutes," he corrects himself and then he walks them backwards into the bathroom.

Tossing back the dregs of his ice cold coffee, Dean decides to get the oil changed on the Impala, maybe have her washed and vacuumed out, whatever will take up an hour and fifteen minutes of his time. Before leaving, he tosses another look at the closed bathroom door and thinks, _Something's changed. This is good._   He walks out the door of the room with an actual smile on his face.

***

After about three hours worth of silence in the Impala, Dean knows something is up. Sam is sitting next to him in his usual passenger side of the front seat, but he's not moved once, nor has he bitched about Dean's music or the volume. He looks like he's sleeping, but it's almost like he's too still. The same goes for Lexi, who is occupying the back seat, slumped over, snuggling up to that old olive green wool blanket, her eyes closed and breathing even and in exact time with Sam. Dean lets it go for another hour before he can't take the silence anymore.

"Sammy!" Dean yells, jokingly punching him on the shoulder. "Wake the hell up, bitch!" He teases. But Sam doesn't wake up the way he normally does, His eyes aren't bleary and dazed over, her doesn't scrub his face with his hands and wipe the drool off the corners on his mouth. This time Sam sits straight up in the car, jerking wide awake and oddly enough, Lexi does the same thing at the exact moment. Dean is even more shocked to see that Sam almost has tears in his eyes. 

"You gettin' soft on me? I barely even touched you!" Dean pats his brother's shoulder, a silent apology for the punch and he admits to himself it wasn't a very nice way to wake up. "You alright?" Dean's eyes flicker up to the rear view mirror and look at Lexi, but her eyes don't reveal a thing.

"Yeah, m'alright. Just a dream," Sam answers with a grumble, but just for a second, Dean sees a trace of a smile.

"Good dream?" Dean presses just a little bit, noticing both Sam and Lexi flash a smile at the same time, but they're both gone just as quickly as they came.

"The best." Sam smiles while rubbing his hands together, like he's trying to touch whatever was last in his hands, like he's trying to hang on, and never let it go.

The thing that confuses Dean is that there isn't anything in his hands. They've been empty, resting in Sam's lap for almost four hours.

***

Dean knocks before he peeks his head inside the room next to his, through the adjoining door. It's still early, but he's starving and would kill for some eggs and hash browns, with extra onions. 

"It's open!" Lexi calls out to Dean.

"Lex? You wanna go get some breakfast?" He waggles his eyebrows, grin huge.

She's curled up in that forest green plaid shirt of Sam's, reading John's journal for the umpteeth time in the last two days, like something new is going to magically appear on its pages.

"Sam's out taking a run. He'll be back in about an hour. Wanna wait?" She looks up from the leather bound journal that she still hasn't let them read. 

"Nah. We'll be back before him. Get him some granola or wheat grass, whatever the hell crap he likes. Just leave him a note. C'mon I'm so hungry you're lookin' like a cartoon steak! Meet me outside in ten." 

"I haven't even showered yet! It's seven AM," she whines, leaning back in the pillows in mock-defiance.

Dean rolls his eyes and walks back into his room, "Ten minutes!!"

Lexi's ready in five and scrawls a quick note to Sam. 

_Sam,_

_Went to get breakfast with Dean.  
Meet me in the shower._

_-Lexi_

****

The diner is just like every other one they've been to; formica counter top, the air smells like grease and coffee, and the beginnings of the day. Dean orders three coffees, three orange juices, two bacon and eggs with hash brows, one with extra onions, and a whole wheat banana nut waffle for Sam. Heavy on the eye roll.

They drink their coffees while they wait, thumbing through the morning edition of the town's paper. When nothing of interest reaches out and grabs them, they share the comics and small smiles.

Dean pays for the breakfasts, flirting shamelessly with the forty-something big breasted waitress. He thanks her with a sinful smile and calls her sweetheart when he says goodbye, stealing one last completely obvious stare at the curve of her chest before sauntering out of the restaurant.

"Really?" Lexi laughs as they slide into the front seat of the Impala. "Greta back there was your type?"

"Greta? Who the hell is Greta? Dean backs his baby out the parking space and pulls her out onto the highway, pointing her South toward their motel room, less than two miles away.

"Greta. The waitress back there, the one who's day you just made? You looked at her name tag enough, you'd think you woulda remembered her name?" She jokes.

"Wasn't lookin' at her name tag, Lex." Dean lifts his eyebrows in a smirk. 

"What was that magazine you used to read? About lost your damn mind when they stopped printing it?" She closes her eyes, trying to remember the name. 

"Busty Asian Beauties? They stopped making friggen Busty Asian Beauties! I gotta buy that company up right now! Thanks for the insider knowledge." Dean frowns at the highway, shocked at the new revelation. 

Lexi digs under the seat. "You used to... They used to be right..."

"What do you think you're doing?" Don't you dare!" Dean tries to push Lexi back on the seat. "C'mon, Lex. Is nothing sacred to you?"

Finally she finds the magazine she was looking for and flips it open to the first page, she reads it aloud in a deep sultry voice. " _We at Busty Asian Beauties are committed to bringing you the voluptuous, perky, and bouncy, tits, hips and asses that you know and love, but with the twist of Asian charm and tradition you crave. In every issue we strive to---"_

"Lex!" Dean all but whines, "Really? You're like those annoying little sisters in all the movies." He reaches for the magazine again, but Lexi holds it just out of reach. In a last futile attempt to take back his magazine, Dean swerves into the other lane, earning himself the finger and a honk from another car.

"Calm down, old man. I'll put it back." She teases and shoves the magazine back where she found it. Dean frowns out at the road, and lets out a huff. "I was just kidding, Dean."

"'Bout what?" His eyes still glued to the road, a smile dancing on his lips.

"About the magazine. As far as I know, it's still up and running. Bouncy hips, tits, asses, and all." She elbows him in the ribs.

"Thank God. Jesus, Lex." He shakes his head and laughs. "So what's going on with you and Sammy? Things goin' good?" He asks after taking a drink of his coffee.

"Yeah, Dean. They're good. Things are real good," She answers with a smile that Dean can't help but copy.

"No impending doom. You got all that shit figured out?" Not exactly how Dean wanted to phrase the question, but it'll do. For now.

"Seems like." The smile evaporating from her voice.

"Lilith's still breaking all kinds of seals though, Lex. We can't just stay holed up in the motel room. We can't--"

"Let her break 'em," Lexi growls. "She won't get the last one. Not anymore." Her fists clench around her black zip-up hoodie stolen from Sam. She doesn't mean "let Lilith break the seals" of course she doesn't. She wants Sam and Dean safe, but she knows that it's still Sam and Dean's job, her job to keep people safe, and hunt down evil.

"Still... We still have to, take care'a shit, ya know?"

"Yeah. I know." Her voice going back to normal. "Sam and I have been looking at stuff. Cross referencing with what happened before. He wanted to talk to you this afternoon when he got back from his run." She's pinching the bridge of her nose now, smile gone and Dean wants to demand what's going on, but he doesn't. He can wait a half an hour. He doesn't want to, but he will.

***

Back in her room, Lexi checks the warding on the walls, and the herbs above the door for the spell, noting that Sam still isn't back. She glances at the alarm clock on the bedside table and figures he'll be back any minute. She shoves a bite of bacon in her mouth and chews it on the way to the bathroom. She's starting with out Sam.

Ten minutes later when the water pressure gives up the ghost, she shuts off the water with a sigh and wraps up in a towel. _What the hell, Sam?_

Running a comb through her long brown hair, she watches her reflection in the mirror. She's filling out from all the road food and Dean's damn greasy diners. Maybe she should start eating what Sam eats, granola and wheat grass? Rolling her eyes at herself, she slathers some lotion on her arms and legs, puts on a spritz of body spray and rubs some deodorant under her arms.

She plucks a few stray hairs from under her eyebrows and smooths some moisturizer on her forehead and cheeks, all being done to stall. She's hoping Sam will burst in the door and drag her back into the shower. Ten minutes later, he's still not there. _Oh well._

Once she's out of the bathroom, she can feel Sam in the room, instantly making her smile.

"Have a good run, Sam? Dean and I got your breakfast, it's on the table. Waffle I think? You can have some of my bacon if you want. It should still be warm." She doesn't look up at Sam, just digs through her backpack, looking for clothes and tosses them on the still made second queen size bed. Sam doesn't answer her, but she feels him so she keeps on, "Dean's gonna come and talk to you about what we talked about last night. He's worried about God damn Lilith, but I told him--"

"You told him what, Mrs. Winchester?" A cruel voice cuts her off.

Lexi whirls around at the voice, immediately knowing who it belongs to. Her foot gets caught in the strap of her backpack and she falls back against the wall, her towel spilling open. When she looks up, she sees Sam sitting on their bed next to Ruby. The corners of his mouth are red and blood dripping from a slice in Ruby's forearm.

"No. No. No." Lexi whispers, sliding down the wall to the floor when her legs give out. "Sam?" Lexi whisper whines when she meets eyes with him, but his eye only looks at his shoes and refuses to meet Lexi's eyes. She tries to go inside her mind and bring Sam with her, but Ruby's voice comes through too quickly.

"None of that, now," Ruby sing-songs. "I told you he'd never be your Sam. He's mine."

But Lexi's not listening to Ruby, she's looking directly at Sam, not caring that tears are spilling down her cheeks. "Why?" She murmurs so softly. "It was gone. I took it. The demon blood. Sam, why?"

"Put some clothes on." Ruby throws the pile of clothes from the extra bed at Lexi.

Quickly, Lexi does what she is told, but doesn't bother with socks, underwear or her bra. Just pulls up a pair of jeans and tugs Sam's sweatshirt over her head. As soon as it's on and she can smell his soap, she wants to rip it off, but doesn't. "I showed you EVERYTHING!" Lexi yells at him. "I showed you our life, our home, our..." She chokes down a sob, "I showed you our girls. And you do this?" The grace starts to spin and whirl inside her, more powerful than she's ever felt, her insides are thrumming with energy. The TV makes a loud pop as it's tube and screen pops.

"Lexi," Ruby warns. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Too many people will get hurt in the cross fire. Dean's next door, demon's are at the end of Bobby's driveway. It'll end in blood and I guarantee it won't be mine."

"You bitch!" Lexi screams and suddenly Dean's banging on the adjacent door.

"Sammy! Lex! You guys okay over there?" He yells through the door when he finds that the deadbolt is flipped.

Knowing Dean'll bust down the door if she doesn't answer, she puts herself together as best as she can. "Just a spider, Dean. Sam got it though. I'll be over there in a sec. Kay?" Her tone isn't perfect, but she prays it'll work.

"You sure? You call spiders bitches all the time?" He jokes and Lexi can hear him laugh through the door.

"Yep. Just give me a minute to get dressed."

"Very good, Lexi." Ruby praises softly. "How come you don't want Dean to know? Don't want him to see his baby brother with me, doing what we do in the dark?" Her voice is sarcastic and Lexi wants to rip her throat out so the world never has to hear that voice again, but she doesn't look at Ruby. She's still looking at Sam.

"Sam, you can't do this. You don't know what'll happen. You promised me. You can't do this to Dean. You don't know what it does to him. Please, don't do this." She hisses at him, wanting to scream and yell, but keeps it inside, next to the grace she can barely contain.

"So, you worked some angel mojo over on Sam. Thought you got rid of the demon blood in him? _My_ blood?" Ruby throws her head back and laughs quietly, but no less sadistically than normal. "You're so fucking stupid it's a wonder you're even still alive. It's part of him, Lexi. Nothing can take it out. It's Sam. You can't live with that. Can't deal with that? Well I can. Sam's never been yours. _Mine_."

Ruby's words throw Lexi over the edge even though she doesn't want them to. Her body shakes as she fights tooth and nail to keep the grace from bursting from her chest. _Dean can't know. You got this far, Dean doesn't know, he can't know. Can't. Can't. Can't._ Her fists are clenched at her sides in tight balls, her eyes are squeezed shut so tightly it hurts, and every muscle in her body feels like it's just on the verge of a charlie horse, knotted and tight, but she refuses to let it out. _Not Bobby, not Dean. Not them too._

"The force is strong with this one, Sammy," Ruby jokes, but Sam still won't look up at Lexi.

"Sam, please," She begs, forcing her words out through teeth clenched so hard, under normal circumstances she'd worry they'd crack right in her mouth, but she doesn't care. Not now. "Why?" Tears fall down her cheeks, but they're hot and sticky and make her vision go red. They're not tears, they're blood and it's gushing from her nose too. "Please, Sam. It hurts. Help me."

"Tell her, Sam," Ruby orders, while ignoring Lexi's pleas. "Tell her what you did. She deserves to know."

Sam's eyes flicker up at Lexi and then look away, shamefully. "I did it, it was me."

"What?" Lexi asks while feeling her heart break into a million pieces. "Sam, it doesn't matter, I don't care what you did. I've never cared. Stay with me. Don't go. Please, don't leave me. We'll figure this out, me and you. I swear we will."

Sam shakes his head and tears fall down his cheeks. "No. It was me. I told Ruby where you'd be. I tore down the warding at the bar. I knew she was going to take you. I knew about everything."

"No. You couldn't! There's no way! You wouldn't! I know you! No, Sam. Why?" More red tears fall hot down Lexi's cheeks and she just stares at Sam, but she won't give up. "I don't care. Don't go. Don't leave me. We'll figure this out. Don't--"

Ruby laughs and interrupts Lexi as she takes Sam by the hand and leads him to the door. "Time to hit the road, Sammy. Lots to do. Demons to kill. Plus, I got some stories about your precious Lexi that would make your hair stand up. Consorting with demons. She's not as innocent as she seems, ya know."

"No. I did what I did because of you, because of them. I did what I had to do," Lexi whispers when her knees hit the floor with a thud.

"Yeah, yeah. You keep telling yourself that. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"Don't go, Sam. Please," Lexi begs again. "Don't leave me."

Sam's looking at Lexi again. His hazel eyes staring into hers and for just a second, she thinks he might stay, but then he just looks away.

Lexi can hear a hum in her ears, her whole body shakes uncontrollably for just a minute longer, but then finally she falls still. Her hands unclench and her head falls down to her chest, eyes closed. She hears both Sam and Ruby draw in a breath and Lexi's eyes flick open. They're not ocean blue anymore, they're metallic silver blue again and she can't stop it.

"Get out." Lexi growls in a voice that isn't hers. "GO!"

The door to the motel room bursts off it's hinges and Lexi collapses to the floor, unconscious.

***

"LEX!" Dean screams at her, shaking her shoulders. He's been trying to wake her up for ten minutes. "Alright, let's get you up. Goin' to the hospital."

Lexi didn't hear any of Dean's yelling before, but she heard "hospital" and she's awake, fighting to get out Dean's arms. She jumps up off the floor and pushes away from Dean, running toward the door and the wall next to it. She punches a hole in the wall over every warding and every sigil that's not already marked through and rips down the spray of herbs above the door.

"Lex! What the hell are you doing? Where's Sam!" Dean's panicking. He can smell sulfur, the door is in the parking lot, shattered to pieces and Sam is gone, Lexi was lying in a pool of her own blood, red dried around her eyes and mouth.

"CAS!!" She screams. "Ca--"

Dean puts his hand over her mouth, "What the fuck, Lex! You can't! You said---"

"You have to go!" She rips his hand away from her mouth. "Cas will bring you to Maryland, to St. Mary's. You have to stop Sam! You can't let him! Oh, God, Dean! He can't! Lilith isn't going to break the final seal. SHE FUCKING IS THE FINAL SEAL! GO!"

Blinking a couple times at Lexi as he processes what she just screamed at him, Dean feels his world shift, and then flip the fuck over. He grabs the bundle of herbs and digs lightening quick in the weapons bag, producing two thick black Sharpies and shoves Lexi into the bathroom. "You stay in here! I mean it! We'll come back for you! Don't you fucking move!" He slaps the second Sharpie in Lexi's hand and they work frantically to recreate the markings on the bathroom walls. It takes less than a minute and they're done. "He's gonna be okay, right? Sam. Right?" 

Lexi doesn't answer, her head turns and she wishes she could see through the thin motel room wall, but she doesn't need to. She can feel him. "Cas is here," she whispers, bloody tears falling down her face again. "GO!"

Dean shoves a flask of holy water in her hands along with his spare gun and runs out the door, not looking back before he slams it shut.

Lexi quickly sobs the protection spell out and when the violet shimmer shines over the cheap faux-wooden door, she climbs in the bathtub, and pulls her knees up to her chest.

She can see it in her mind, she doesn't need to be there. It's clear as a movie, right behind her eyes.

Dean's already at the church, pounding on the door, screaming for Sam. Ruby's screaming at Sam to do it, to kill Lilith, and they argue. Everything goes silent, but Lexi see Ruby screaming at Sam. He yells back at her just as forcefully, but then Ruby smiles. She murmurs something. Lexi can't read her lips, but whatever she says to Sam, it makes him listen. He turns to Lilith, whose eyes turn a milky white, but Sam's well with tears. When Lilith's dead, her and Sam fall to the floor at the same time, and he's sobbing into his hands, rocking back and forth.

Dean bursts in, stabs Ruby right in the chest, just like Lexi said he would, the one good thing that's happened in this whole mess.

Ruby's dead, on the floor next to Sam and he screams something at her, but Lexi still can't hear it. Dean pulls him up before Sam can scream anything else.

Lilith's crimson blood dances near their feet, making Lucifer's thorny symbol on the floor, and just when the fallen angel's brilliant bright light fills the room, Lexi's vision goes black.


	34. Chapter 34

"Any word on the Jane Doe?" Nurse Patty asks when she starts her midnight shift.

Jane Doe's been under her care every night for the past three and a half weeks. She's always unconscious when Patty makes her rounds, but her wounds are healing incredibly fast and her bruises fade more quickly than they should. No one's complaining, though. Miracles happen.

"Not yet," Nurse Leslie answers as she swipes her name tag through the time clock, effectively ending her shift. "Deputy Collins is checking everything he can, but still, nothing's turned up. She's doing good though, baby too. Doctor Tyler thinks she'll be waking up any time now. You'll let me know if anything changes, right? Call me at home."

"Sure thing. 'Night, Les."

"'Night, Patty." Leslie turns on her white nursing heel and walks down the hallway to the parking garage, offering up a silent prayer for the poor girl banged up on the second floor. That girl needs all the help she can get.

***

At five AM, Nurse Patty takes a cup of coffee and her knitting into Jane Doe's room, just like she does every night on her break. Patty's always believed that unconscious patients can hear everything that goes on around them, which is good because Patty likes to talk. So she tells Jane Doe about her day, her cat, and all the craziness that's been going on in the world; freak lightening storms and bright white lights that shoot up in the sky on the East coast. It's a mess out there, but Patty keeps it simple and her voice soft. Sometimes it's just the click-click of her knitting needles working with the cerulean blue yarn, a prayer blanket for the sleeping girl in the bed next to her chair.

Tonight, Patty takes her time, it's a slow night on her second floor. There's only one other patient under her care tonight and he's just got a broken leg. Crazy kids and their skate boarding. He'll be fine and released in the morning, so Patty stays by Jane's side as long as she can.

Her knitting needles stop at 5:12am when she hears a moan. Patty listens intently and checks all Jane Doe's vitals and finds nothing. She smooths Jane's long brown hair back into the braid she twisted after the sponge bath she gave her, and whispers soft and sweet to the pretty girl, "You go ahead and sleep as long as you want, but I see that gold ring on your finger. You probably got a fella out there," she pauses, "or a girl, I'm not judgin', but either way. I'm sure they want you back and are eager to find out that you're safe and sound. Think about them. Come back for them."

Three minutes pass and Jane doesn't move a muscle, so Patty sits down with her knitting needles and prayer blanket, and gets one more row completed

"Sam," Jane mumbles out of no where.

Patty jumps up from her chair, knitting needles and yarn falling to the pristine white floor. She adjusts the poor girl's bed, so she's sitting up slightly, but not too much. "You comin' back to us, sugar?" Patty wraps her hand around the tiny gold cross hanging from her neck and whispers, "Please, God. Help these poor children."

"Sam?" She mumbles again as her eyes flick open, squinting at the stark white of the room.

Being a nurse for thirty seven years, Patty is fully aware of what's going to happen next. People wake up nice and slow when they come out of comas, but once they're awake, they want answers. Dr. Tyler is in the East Wing, delivering a baby, so Patty's all on her own. "Honey, just take it easy. We'll call your Sam just as soon as we get you checked out. I'm sure he wants to see you just as badly as you want to see him."

"Where am I?" Jane looks at Patty with tears in her eyes and it breaks Patty's heart. This is the worst part.

"Saint Cecilia's Hospital in Marksburg, Ohio. Sugarbaby, do you know your name?" It's a little early in the game for such questions, but she tries anyway.

"Lexi." She reaches up and tries to rub her eyes, but her hand is wrapped in a cast. "Lexi Winchester. What happened?" And then it all comes tearfully rushing back. "SAM! Where's Sam! He left me! Left me again!"

Patty wipes Lexi's tears with a soft kleenex. Not the kind the hospital provides, it's the good kind, she brings them from home, keeps them tucked in her pocket. "Our deputy found you in the middle of the road with another man. He's banged up pretty bad, worse than you. You're one hell of a fighter, Miss Lexi. He got you good, but you did him one better."

"Gabe," Lexi breathes as her body tenses up at the vague recollection.

"Don't worry now, he's four floors up, under lock and key where he damn well belongs. He's not gonna hurt you again, baby girl. Can you tell me what happened?" Patty asks softly as she pulls her chair closer to Lexi's bed and taking a seat, Lexi's bandaged hand gently resting in her own.

_Lexi didn't listen. She didn't stay in the bathroom like Dean told her to. She couldn't. She'd been in there for hours, maybe longer and she needed to know what happened._

_With Dean's gun in one hand and his flask of holy water in the other, she left the safety of her bathroom. The second she stepped out, Gabe had been there._

_"Been lookin' for you for awhile, Sas." He purred to her, eyes jet black. "Ruby's dead, Lilith's dead, and I got no one to answer to, no one to pay up for all the work I done. So I figured I'd find you and have a little fun of my own."  
_

_Lexi had tried to quickly say the exorcism she had committed to memory, but she wasn't quick enough and the holy water only held Gabe off for so long._

_He clicked his tongue at her, while he pinned her down to the bed; the bed she had shared with Sam. "That's not any way to treat your high school sweetheart now is it? We could have so much fun together you and me. You don't need those damn Winchesters. I got one better for you. Lucifer. He wants to see you. He's looking for his vessel right now and he's hoping you can help him out with that. Can you do that for me, Sas?" His sulfuric stench filled Lexi's lungs as he pulled her close and kissed his way down her neck._

_"No," she growled. "Kill me if you want, I'll never help you or Lucifer."_

_"Well, that's not the answer I was hoping for, darlin'. Looks like we need to make a pit stop, see a coupla old friends, maybe they'll help drag a name out of you."_

_Lexi didn't recognize the other demons. Maybe she wasn't supposed to, who knew, but they recognized her and used every trick in the book to get Lexi to talk. They tried for days, just like Lilith, but Lexi wouldn't break, and her grace wouldn't let her die. They used fire and ice, red hot pokers and a multitude of blades, but nothing worked. Lexi screamed herself hoarse, over and over again, but she never uttered a word. Next they broke nearly every bone in each of her feet, the sound sickening and dull in her ears. Then they worked up to her legs and knees, using hammers to shatter bone, and knives to carve flesh. But still they got nothing. Not a word._

_Something was blocking Lexi's grace, she couldn't bring it forth from her soul to blast out the demons like she had before. It kept her alive, but hid in the depths of her body, and refused to come out. She didn't know why. She didn't understand. She wanted to die, but death never came. Only pain.  
_

_There was a bright blast of light, so bright she couldn't see, and then everything fell silent. Her eyes couldn't focus, momentarily blinded by the brilliant brightness, but she felt quick fingers work the locks of her bindings open, and she was free. She tried to stand up from the cold floor beneath her, but her legs wouldn't work, bones too broken, skin and muscles numb from nerve damage. There was never a voice, just a presence in the room, and she begged her eyes to focus, but they never obeyed. She lay on that numbing floor for hours, waiting for her grace to work on her bones as much as possible before attempting to stand again. Finally, she was granted some sort of mercy and she passed out.  
_

_When she woke, she had no idea how much time had passed, hours, maybe days. Either way, by then her legs worked. They were still numb, but not numb enough to block the pain. Regardless, she forced her legs to move and she found her way out of the the factory she was inside for God only knows how long, too weak to angel zap herself anywhere. The air was warm when it hit her skin, crickets say their tunes as she dragged her broken body down dirt road after dirt road, tar road after tar road, willing a kind soul to take pity on her, and bring her anywhere but where she was. But a kind soul never came, just Gabe. He'd some how survived the white hot blast and he was out for blood._

_He tackled Lexi to the ground, slamming her head into the hard black tar over and over again. "You think your angel grace will help you if your fucking skull is missing!" He screamed as he bashed her head into the ground. "We'll just have to see. Won't we?'_

_Every time Gabe bounced her head off the tar, she uttered as many words of the exorcism as she could. She didn't know if the broken Latin would do it's job, but she had to try. She wanted to live, even if it wasn't in a life with Sam or Dean. She wanted to live what days she had left and stay as far away from Crowley and his hell hounds for as long as she could. Finally on what felt like the millionth blow to the back of her head, bone on tar, the last words of the exorcism fell painfully from her lips and black smoke curled up into the air. Everything went still._

_"Sas?" Gabe's voice came through the darkness in a panicked voice, the skin of his face peeling off and gushing blood, probably from whatever force freed her earlier. "Oh my God, what did I do?" He held his shit together long enough to dial 911 with broken and bleeding fingers, then passed out next to Lexi._

"No, I don't remember anything," she lies to the sweet nurse at her side.

"That's okay. We'll get Dr. Tyler up here and have him check you out. Your vitals look good to me, he'll probably keep a close eye on you until your fella gets here and then let you go." She moves the phone from the bedside table, onto the tray sticking out over Lexi's middle. "Why don't you call him up? I'm sure he misses you. Sam? Is that what you called him?"

Lexi turns her face away from Nurse Patty. "No."

"Honey, you gotta call someone. Is he your husband? Is he the father?" She asks carefully.

Whipping her head painfully around, she looks up at Nurse Patty like she has three heads. "My husband is dead and this-Sam sure as hell is not the father of my children. I don't have any children."

"I suppose you didn't know." Patty looks down on Lexi with a sad face. "Sweetie, you're pregnant. Just barely a few weeks, but I did the test myself."

"No. No. I'm not."

"Dr. Tyler will come in soon and go over everything," she says as gently as she can and pats the phone. "Just think about calling someone. Anyone. You don't have to do this alone. I'll be back as soon as I can. I won't be far." She smiles softly and stands up from her chair. Lexi watches the nurse walk out of the room, casting one last sweet look her way before she closes the door hallway.

Lexi tries to roll onto her side and pull her legs up to her chest, but freezes the second she moves. The pain is way too strong and lying flat on her back is her best option. She stares at the phone, wishing she could throw it at the wall, but it would hurt to much to lift it at this point.

"God dammit!" She growls to the white sterile room. "Sex ed 101, Lex. Jesus H Christ." But the thought never crossed her mind, not once. Her and Sam, back in 2014, had wanted to have at least four kids and Sam wanted them close, just like him and Dean. Lexi, being an only child, couldn't agree more. It was stupid, but she fell back into old habits once she came back to 2007. _Stupid. Now look what you did._

She grabs for the phone, ignoring the pain screaming everywhere in her body. She stares at it for the longest time, refusing to call Sam. Flat out refusing. She can't even think about Sam right now. Every light in the whole hospital will probably burn out. Not to mention every TV, computer screen, life support machines, heart monitors... _Yeah, getting even more pissed probably isn't the best idea, Lex._

She dials in a phone number and listens to the ringing sound.

 _Please answer._ She prays to any god that'll listen.

*//*

Dean's in the bed of another motel room, this one mustier than the last, and his fucking head is pounding. He supposes the half bottle of whiskey he had for supper is to blame for that, but Jesus Christ, could the ibuprofen kick any damn time soon? Just as his eyes fall closed, his phone buzzes on the night stand, not three inches from his head.

"Who the FUCK is this!" He growls into the phone. It could be the God dammed Pope for all her cares, he'll give that bastard a piece of his mind too, and any one else who dare call him at this God awful hour in the night. He looks at the clock. Okay, morning. God, awful hour in the morning.

"Dean?" The voice is so soft he can barely make it out, but he does and he recognizes it immediately.

"Lex?" He yells in the phone, making his own head throb. Sam bolts up from his own bed, flipping the light on, brighter than the damn sun, on his way up. "Jesus Christ, are you okay?"

Sam chews his fingernails past the quick, gnaws at his scabbed cuticles and the skin around them, bouncing his knee up and down, like a crazy person. He's trying to let Dean talk to Lexi, but he wants to grab the phone from him and talk to her himself. He has so much that he wants to tell her, _needs_ to tell her. Dean sees the look in his brother's eyes and tosses him a calm-the-fuck-down glare, and gets up to pace the room.

"Ummm. Ohio. Marksburg, Ohio. Saint Cecilia's Hospital." Instantly tears fall from her eyes and she feels like a little girl all over again. She wants a hug. She wants her mom. "Dean. Please. Can you--"

"God, yeah. I'll be there as soon as I can. Are you okay?" He's still pacing, weaving in and out of Sam's attempts to stop him in his tracks.

"Dean, where is she? Is she okay? C'mon! Tell me!" Sam begs his brother, flashing every version of the puppy dog eyes he has in his arsenal.

"Sammy, shut the hell up for a second. Just. Just let me listen!" Dean yells at Sam, but sees the look on his face and Dean makes his tone soften. "Just give me a sec. Okay?" Sam nods. "You got a room number?" His question directed toward Lexi, he can hear her crying.

Lexi frantically looks around her room and finds nothing. "I don't. I don't know. Dean, I don't know where I am!" She sobs into the phone. "Please. Come get me. Please. Everything hurts."

"Ah, Lex." Dean sighs in the phone, hating the feeling of uselessness gripping him from the inside. "I'm comin'. I swear I am. Look at the base of the phone. There a sticker or some shit on there?" Dean's shoving his gun in the back of his pants, grabbing a few things from the weapons bag and shoving them in his duffle bag, trying to move as fast as he can, but it's not fast enough.

"225," she whispers. "Do you know about how long?"

"Be there in two hours. I swear to God, two hours. Kay?" It's a three hour drive to Marksburg, but his baby is that fastest girl on the road, he'll make it in two.

"Dean?" Her voice cracks.

"Yeah?" He freezes.

"Just you. Please. Only you." Her voice sounds so small, like she's worlds away and broken in a hundred different pieces, and it kills him.

"Okay." He closes his eyes and hangs his head. "Two hours." He shoves his phone in his pocket. Then Sam starts in.

"Where is she? She okay? What happened?" He's word vomiting questions all over the place, while he's shoving things in his duffle bag and Dean grabs his hand, stops him.

"She said just me, Sammy. She doesn't want..." Dean sighs, hates what he has to say. "She said just me, I'm sorry man. I really am. I'll call you as soon as I get there and I swear, I'm bringing her back here. I don't care what she says, okay? I know I've asked you 'bout three thousand times what happened, but if you tell me, I'll tell her. Might make it easier?"

Sam shakes his head and sinks down on to the bed. He watches Dean sigh the same sigh he's let out three thousand and one times over the past couple weeks, and leave the room. Sam strains his ears to hear the Impala for as many miles as he can as it pulls out of the parking lot and roars down the highway. However long he hears it, it's not a comfort.

***

Lexi's asleep when Dr. Tyler comes in the room. He wakes her gently, eyes smiling behind his gold framed glasses. "Ms. Winchester?" He asks softly.

"Dean?" She mumbles, still half asleep.

"No. My name's Dr. Tyler. Just came in to check your vitals and all that good stuff. You're doing really well and if you can get someone to bring you home, you're free to go. Nurse Patty said there maybe a few things you'd like to discuss with me? About the pregnancy?"

Lexi looks up at Dr. Tyler's kind blue eyes and bushy gray eyebrows, he looks like a nice normal man, with a nice normal life. Lexi had a normal life once, well, normal compared to now, but that's all gone, up in flames. "How many weeks am I?"

"Judging by the tests, we're guessing about five or six weeks, but if you can tell me the date of your last menstrual cycle, I might be able to get a more accurate date for you," he says with a smile.

She thinks back and nods her head. "You're right. six weeks and two days."

Dr. Tyler notices a hint of a smile on her face. "Here are some prescriptions for the pain. I'm afraid they're not as strong as they could be, considering the baby, but they'll help. There's also a script for prenatal vitamins. Make sure you take them with food or they'll make you feel sick like no one's business. When your friend comes to pick you up, Nurse Patty will give them the instructions for taking care of your bandages and when to bring you in to get the casts off. Any questions?"

"No, but thank you very much."

"Good luck to you." His smile is kind again and he pats her good hand before he leaves her room.

Lexi looks down on her barely rounded stomach and rubs it gently. "Guess it wasn't the road food, huh? What are we going to do now, kiddo?" She falls asleep with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes.

***

"Lex?" Dean whispers in the white room, smoothing the hairs around her forehead. He's been staring at her for fifteen minutes, looking her her black and blue face, her busted lips, and the bandages covering every part of her skin he can see. He's so furious he could cry, or throw something. Probably both.

"I want to go home, Dean." Lexi sobs with out opening her eyes. "I shouldn't have come. He doesn't want me, Dean. I shouldn't have come. I just made it worse. It's my fault."

He leans down to her, trying to comfort her in any way he can, her good hand is wrapped around the collar of the thick black cargo jacket he's wearing and there's nothing in this world that would make him pull away. He slides the tray over her bed to the side and sits down on the bed next to her, holding her as gently as he can, not wanting to hurt her anymore than she already is. When he presses a small kiss on to the top of her head, he gets a whiff of burnt skin and hair, it makes his stomach churn; he's smelled that smell too many times in his life. "Lex, it's not your fault. None if it is. I'm glad you came. I want you here. Sam wants you here. This isn't your fault."

She pulls him closer to her and Dean lets his side lean against the upright part of the bed, Lexi immediately curls into him. "I want to go home," she repeats. "Everything hurts here, Dean. It's hurts there too, but it's worse here."

Dean fights the tears in his eyes for a second and then gives in, letting them tumble one by one down his cheeks, and into Lexi's burnt smelling hair. They sit like that until Dean can't feel his arm or his hip, and then he sits longer, closing his eyes.

-

There's a quiet cough from the other side of the room and Dean sees a matronly lady standing with a small blue something in her hands. "This is for Ms. Winchester. I knitted it on my breaks, while she was sleeping." She gently places the bundle on the end of Lexi's bed and motions for Dean to follow her out into the hall.

Patty hands him a thick stack of papers for him to sign and he pays for her hospital visit with a fistful of cash, he kicked ass in pool last week, _thank God_. The nurse looks at him like he's crazy for having that large of an amount of cash, but she takes it with out a word.

"Ms. Winchester didn't sign the release forms, so I can't give out any personal information, but this is the police record. Where they were found and what state they were in." She hands him another piece of paper. "This one lists all the injuries, the broken bones, the lacerations and the burns. The back of her head is healing very well, but it was a major concern at first. She's got an angel watching out for her, she's very lucky."

Dean bites back his scoff and stifles his eye roll. _Yeah right._

"Dr. Tyler's already given her prescriptions for pain meds and what not, there's a twenty four hour pharmacy just up the road. You can fill them there. She'll also need to come back in to see a doctor, doesn't matter where, to have the casts removed and everything checked over, but with her healing, I'm sure she'll be alright." She takes a deep breath and starts again. "Then there's the matter of the police report. Deputy Collins has Mr. Olson in custody---"

"Gabe? Gabe Olson? He did this? WHERE THE HELL IS HE," Dean roars to the nurse who doesn't deserve it, but Dean can't help it.

But Patty's been doing this for longer than this kid has been alive, and she knows how to handle the protective ones. "I know it's difficult, but he's being taken care of. Our deputy won't let---"

"DEAN! NO!" Lexi tries to scream from the opposite end of the hallway, but it comes out in a raspy wheeze. Dean whips himself around to see Lexi, leaning all her the weight she can on the IV bag stand and the door knob of her room. Two nurses, in addition to Patty, scramble to get down the hallway to help Lexi before she falls to the floor, but Dean's made for this, and he hauls ass faster than they even get up off their chairs, catching her as her legs give out.

"Lex, easy. I gotchya." He wraps an arm around her back and scoops her up behind her knees, silently praying he doesn't hurt her.

"It wasn't him, Dean. Possessed," she whispers in his ear. "Can't let him go to jail. Wasn't his fault."

"Let's worry 'bout you. C'mon, back to bed you go." He carries her back to her bed, but when he sits her down as carefully as possible, she won't let go of him.

"I want to go. Please, Dean. Get me out of here." She cries into his neck.

"Miss Lexi," Patty calls to her softly. "Do you want us to help you get changed?" Lexi clings to Dean, shaking her head as her answer. "Okay, we'll be right outside if you need anything."

"Kay, Lex. How do you wanna do this? I don't know...I don't wanna hurt you," he whispers.

"M'clothes are in the bag," She weakly nods her head toward the hospital garment bag on the hook of the bathroom door, barely letting go of Dean. He hangs on to her good hand, reaching for the bag and setting it on the bed next to Lexi.

He digs out her clothes and when the smell of burnt skin and hair makes his way to his nose again, he growls in his throat just a little bit. Her jeans are a little bloody, but he thinks they're in one piece.

"Shoulda grabbed your bag from the Impala, sorry." He squats down at Lexi's feet and sees the tight bandages wrapped around them, bruised skin peeking out around white gauze. Carefully sliding the bloody denim up her legs, he notices then that they're not really in one piece, they're covered in bloody slashes and holes burnt and crispy around the edges. He pulls them back down, checks the pockets for anything Lexi might want, and when he comes back empty handed, he tosses them in a garbage can. "I'm gonna ask the nurses if they got any scrubs you can wear, okay?"

Before Lexi can answer, Nurse Patty is in the room with a pair of blue scrub pants and a white cotton shirt. "Thought you might need these."

Dean smiles for the first time in weeks, "Thanks." After she leaves the room, he slides the stiff cotton up her legs and helps her get them up her waist, over the bandages and under her hospital gown. Now for the shirt. "Uh, Lex." He scratches his head. "How..."

A small laugh falls from Lexi's lips, and she smiles as best she can through busted lips. "You've seen boobs before, Dean. It's fine. Just help me. Kinda got a bum hand...bum everything, here."

Dean chuckles too and moves her hair to the side so he can pull the tie behind Lexi's neck. He eases the yellow and white flowered hospital gown down her arms, trying not to look, but can't help it when he sees the angry red burns cover her entire chest. They're shiny with some sort of antibiotic ointment, and it makes them look all the more worse.

"Quit eyein' my rack and put my shirt on." She tries to joke after following Dean's gaze.

"Can't say anyone's ever said that to me before." He blushes after her shirt is in place. "Ready to go?"

Lexi nods her head and he scoops her up the same as before, and carries her out of the room.

The nurses rush to his side with wheel chairs and paper work, but Dean shakes his head and continues down the hallway. When he's downstairs at the exit doors, Patty is jogging breathless down a flight of stairs with the blue blanket in her hands and that stack of paperwork. She tucks the papers in Dean's jacket pocket and wraps the blanket around Lexi's middle. As Nurse Patty watches the man gently place Lexi into his shiny black car, she whispers another silent prayer for one of her favorite patients.

-

Ten minutes later, Dean parks the Impala at the twenty-four hour pharmacy Nurse Patty told him about. Lexi fell asleep against his shoulder almost instantly, and he tries not to wake her when he slides out of the Impala. He feels guilty for leaving her alone in the parking lot, but sees he's got a clear view inside the car from the pharmacy counter. Once inside he doesn't take his eyes off of her.

The pharmacist hands him three different bottles of pills, a tube of ointment, and asks Dean if he has any questions. He shakes his head, forks out another fistful of cash and leaves, silently thanking that rich bastard from the poker game, who didn't have a clue what a poker face was.

When he gets back to the car, Lexi's somewhat awake. "Got your horse pills, Lex. Jesus, what they give ya?" He reads the label before Lexi snatches them away from him. "What's Nexa for? Those things are huge?" She got the bottle, but not the paper work that comes with them. "Nexa Plus, prenatal vitamins...wait." He looks at Lexi, "Prenatal? You're..." Suddenly the little blue blanket makes sense.

"Yeah," she sighs. "Can you not tell Sam? I just. I'll tell him. I swear I will. I just have to figure some stuff out. Okay?" She refuses to let herself cry, she knows she won't stop. _Fucking hormones._

"What kinda stuff do ya gotta figure out?" He asks carefully.

"Like where I'm going to live! I have to get a job, an apartment. I can't stay in motels with you guys. Especially not...not now." _Not with heaven and hell after me and you and Sam._

"Lex, we'll take care of that. You can stay with Bobby. He's stuck at home base for awhile now--"

"Oh, God! Bobby! Oh, God. I should have told you." She sobs now, and it's uncontrollable.

Dean pulls her to him, wincing when she's cries out from the pressure on her shoulder. "He's doing fine. He's cranky. But he'll..." _No he won't,_ Dean thinks.

"This is when I met you guys." Lexi mumbles against Dean's chest, breathing in gun powder and spice.

"God, am I gonna have to go up against a djinn again? Lamb's blood is hard to---"

"About that." She pulls away slightly. "I may have switched a few things around... Did you get old yet?"

"Get old? What?" He looks down on her confused, then his face twists up in a smile. "You were there? Me all old and wrinkly?"

"My very first case." She smiles up at Dean. "Was staying with Bobby while he was healing and he sneaked away from me. Followed him all the way to your old ass, Emperor Palpatine."

"You and Sammy go that far back?" He looks down on Lexi again, but she's not smiling or looking up at him anymore, she's staring out the window.

"Was with him with he played for your years back. God damn Hold 'Em. He hated that game for years. After he won and cashed in his chips for you, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the building. Pressed me up against the brick wall and kissed me." She smiles a sad smile that about breaks Dean's heart. "Then Bobby came up, blaring the horn, giving Sam the silent _what-for_ and you...you with the shit grin on your face, all proud that your wrinkles were gone."

Dean looks at himself in the rear-view mirror. "I look good for being six thousand years old just two days ago, huh?"

"You always look good, Winchester. Take me back to your motel room." She smirks and elbows him with her good arm, still wincing at the pain, but smiling.

"Now that has been said to me millions of times."

"Yeah, yeah. If you're gonna keep talkin' like that, I'm going to need my pain pills." She rolls her eyes and shakes her head playfully.

"Go to sleep. You need rest. Nurse's orders." He pats her thigh and kisses the top of her head, ignoring the burnt smell, and starts the drive back to the motel room.

Lexi leans into Dean's chest and plays with the amulet that hangs around his neck as they fly down the highway. **_Bobby'll be okay, Dean. He's not in that chair_ _forever._**

"Lex? What are you doing? How?" Dean jumps in his seat as he hears her voice in his head, but Lexi just pats his chest and wraps her hand around the amulet.

**_Shhhh. It's okay. Don't take this off, okay? Things are going to get rough, and it's going to hurt like a bitch, but don't take this off. Cas'll ask for it soon and that's okay, but when he gives it back, you put it right back on, no matter what. Please._ _Promise me._**

"I...I promise, Lex. I won't take it off." Dean's eyes keep flicking between the road and the top of Lexi's head, still unsure of what's happening. "Lex, what's gonna happen. Lucifer's topside and I can feel it, bad shit's gonna happen. Can you tell me anything? Anything at all?"

But the only sound he can hear is Lexi breathing deeply, asleep against his chest.

Over the next two hours, Dean can only think about one question. How did Lexi stay safe all these weeks in the hospital? She was unconscious, no tattoos, no anti-possession or angel charms, for sure no warding on the walls, no spells. How come no one came for her then?

Dean mulls over the question as the yellow lines in the middle of the road whip past the Impala in a blur. "Maybe you do have a guardian angel watching over you?" He whispers down to Lexi, but she doesn't move. 

***

As soon as Dean kills the engine, Lexi stirs against his chest. "Honey, we're home," he teases, hoping for the slightest smile and he gets it, noticing that Lexi's face is almost completely clear of bruises and that her lips are healed. "How you feelin'?"

Lexi stretches and very few things hurt. Her feet and legs still ache, but nothing like the pain she felt before. "Guess, the angel grace works faster when I'm not in a coma?" She wonders aloud.

"Works for me." Dean shoves his keys in his pocket and opens the door, stepping out of the Impala. Lexi slides across the seat and tries to push herself up out of the car, but gasps when she puts pressure on her foot. "Always gotta save the damsel in distress, don't I?"

"Not a damsel," Lexi growls into Dean's chest as he walks them up to the door of the motel room.

"I know you're not, Lex. You're bad ass...for a girl," he teases and kicks the door. "Open the door, Sammy. Kinda got my hands full." Then he looks back at Lexi. "You did know he was here, right?"

"Felt him about ten miles back. He..." Now she feels something else, something bad, something wrong. Horribly wrong. "Oh no! God, please NO! Dean, put me down!! SAM!!"

Dean kicks in the door and Lexi vaults out of his arms to Sam, who is lying on the motel carpet with his arms and legs twisted in awkward angles. His hair covers his eyes, and his lips are parted, but no breath goes in and out between them. With a shaky hand, Lexi touches his neck and when she feels no pulse, she collapses on the floor next to him.

"Lex? NO! SAM!" Dean screams, yanking Sam's body up off the floor and pulling it to his chest in an all too familiar fashion.

"Zachariah! You son of a bitch! I know this was you! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!" Lexi screams as she claws her way up from the floor and stands weakly. "It's going to be okay, Dean. I'll fix this. You fight, you hear me? Don't you dare give in, and don't you dare say yes. No matter what! Keep Sam with you and don't let him say yes, you can fight. You both can. Nothing else matters, say no. Always say no!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mrs. Winchester," Zachariah warns, having appeared from no where. "You are quite the rule breaker aren't you? I've been looking for you for months, and here, you call for me standing in the same room as Winchesters, telling them all my secrets." He winks dangerously at her. "What are we going to do with you?"

"Don't you touch her!" Dean roars from the floor. "You candy ass son of a bitch! Don't you dare touch her!"

"Would you trade her for your precious, Sammy?" Zachariah smirks, daring Dean.

Horror floods Dean's eyes, and Lexi knows he would in a second, but she'll never make him say it, never make him live with that guilt. So she says it herself, "Yes. Sam for me. Do it."

"Or I could just kill them both and leave you here all alone? That's your biggest fear, all kinds of abandonment issues. People leave you all the time don't they? Maybe I will---"

"Then who the hell would fight your precious war?" Lexi screams. "You can't kill them! You need them! You need us piece of shit humans to fight your God damned war! Bring him back and take me. You've wanted me this whole time. Just do it!" 

With a smirk and an eye roll from Zachariah, Sam coughs in Dean's arms and in a flash, Lexi's sore body is pressed painfully into Zachariah's. "Fair is fair. I'll see you boys later. Unfortunately for Lexi here, there won't be anything left for you to see when I'm done with her."

Sam turns toward the angel's voice and sees Lexi pulled tight and twisted against Zachariah's gray suit. He tries to jump up from the floor, he tries to fight for Lexi, but Dean holds him back. "Sammy, don't!"

 ** _Don't say yes! No matter what! I'm so sorry._ _This wasn't supposed to happen. I tried, I swear I did. God, I'm sorry._** Lexi's words scream in both Sam and Dean's heads.

And then with a gust of wind, Sam and Dean are the only people standing in the motel room.


	35. Chapter 35

For the first time in what feels like centuries, Lexi's not shackled to that impossibly shiny chair. For the first time in what feels like centuries, she's not in pain, and she doesn't have Naomi's drill digging around in her brain, nor does she have Naomi's modified angel blade, hooked into her soul, digging out strand after strand of her borrowed angel grace.

Removing angel grace isn't anything like putting it in. Removing angel grace is painful, excruciating, in fact, and a laborious process.

Naomi worked with steady hands and cold blue eyes for years, to take out every strand of grace that was tucked away inside her. Lexi screamed for an eternity, helpless to run away, forced to endure it all as angels watched with hushed whispers, while Lexi experienced something the word 'pain' couldn't even touch.

Heaven is a lot like Hell, in some respects. At least the parts Lexi was "lucky" enough to see. Sure, hell is hot, while heaven is cold. Hell is dark, and Heaven is blindingly bright. But to her, like hell, heaven is torture, pain, agony, and forgetting.

After everything, Lexi still knows her name, she still knows she was born and bred in Northern Minnesota by Anthony and Elizabeth Garrison, and she remembers her favorite Christmas when she got her guitar. She still remembers the smell of peppermint hot chocolate and coffee, mixed with Christmas Morning Caramel Rolls, she still remembers the swish-swish sound of her mother's flannel nightgown, and how the smell of wood chips constantly filled her childhood home. Other things, however, are less easy to remember.

She vaguely recalls a tall man with kind eyes, and a tiny mole next to his nose. She remembers his calloused fingers and his smile, but more than that, she remembers his tears, and if she thinks too hard about him it makes her cry. Sometimes she cries from pain, from a emptiness so deep inside her it scares her. Sometimes she cries because she misses him more than she can comprehend, and sometimes she cries because some where deep inside her she knows he's hurting, he's scared, and he misses her too.

She also remembers another man, with a teasing smirk and freckles, who loved his car. He reminds her of the smell of cheese burgers and onions, whiskey and leather. When she thinks about him, she smiles.

She thinks about those two strong and brave men a lot.

Lexi learned quickly during her stay in that bright white, cold, and hard room with Naomi, that every time the hooked angel blade dug deep in her body, to find every ounce of angel grace, a memory was extracted along with the grace. Not the entire memory, just parts of it, the most important parts, and it made Lexi feel empty, like she was missing an organ or a limb. It made her feel like there was a hole inside of her, shaped like someone she doesn't remember, and it petrifies her each and every day that she'll never get it back.

But now, she's not in that room with Naomi or those other angels, she's in a cell of some sort, and she's been in here for years.

Dusty floors and stone all around her, stone bench along the stone walls. It's cold, but insanely bright, and equally lonely.

Lexi's found the nearest corner and has sunken into it, with her knees up to her chest, and wrapped tightly into a ball. She hasn't moved since she was thrown in here.

In the back of her mind, she hopes she'll die in this corner, but knows with every fiber of her being she never will, and that's more frightening than anything she's ever experienced in her entire life.

Sleep taunts her at every attempt, seeming like it's no longer a necessity, not here, not in heaven. And Lexi spends her time staring at a crack in the stone floor that's probably been there since literally God only knows when.

It's oddly comforting to her, and still she refuses to let herself touch it.

Everything in heaven is supposed to be pristine and light and ethereal, but not this cell, and not this crack in the floor. It's a flaw in what's supposed to be perfection, it's something that doesn't belong, and it's her's. She's claimed it for her own and wishes she could hold that crack in her hands, cradle it to her chest, and draw imaginary comfort from something so similar to what she is; she's a flaw, she's wrong, there's not supposed to be a living human in heaven, but here she is. She's the exception, just like the crack in the floor. But the crack stays in the floor and she stays in her corner, and they'll be there forever and ever, until the end of time that will never come.

Staring at the eight inch crack in the floor, Lexi dreams that it's magical, that it's a portal that will take her home. Back to her real home, where it's just Bobby, Jody, Cas, and Crowley, and that burnt black space just a mile in the woods. That place is painful, but not as painful as the the emptiness of heaven, and not as painful as where she has been. She can't remember the place she was before she was stolen off to heaven, but she remembers feelings of pain and hopelessness, and she doesn't want to be anywhere near them.

"You have very intense thoughts for a human," a soft male voice calls to her from no where.

"It's the silence," she whispers automatically, curling herself tighter into her corner. She looks around her cell, but sees nothing that she's not seen for years now. It all looks familiar; her crack in the floor, and the dust covered stone everything as far as she can see. "Where are you?"

Something catches the corner of her eye, not five feet from her. It's a tiny movement, but it's there and it's real, just as real as her and the crack in the floor.

What Lexi thought, for years now, was a pile of crumbled stone and dust, collected in one place throughout the millennia, shifts right before her eyes, and a puff of dust momentarily fills her cell. She shields her eyes from the cloudy air and coughs just a little bit, but when she opens her eyes again, there's a man sitting tall and still like a statue.

"I have not been in the presence of a human since the beginning. They did not have such thoughts then," the man explains simply after he turns his head to look down on Lexi trembling in the corner. "Do not be frightened. I will not hurt you." He stands up from the dusty stone bench, stepping over Lexi's crack in the floor like he doesn't even see it and slowly walks over to Lexi's corner, extending his hand to help her up from the floor.

Lexi's eyes dart from the dust covered man over to where he was sitting. The stone bench is bare where his body sat still for probably countless years. The space, the exact width of this man's hips, is completely clean, there's no dust, and it shines perfectly in the constant light of heaven.

She looks up at the man's face, his pale skin, light eyes and the rounded tip of his nose. His pale lips curve in a small smile, as if to encourage her to trust him, and she doesn't know why, but she does. When she takes his hand, it's cold and dry, and stiff, probably from disuse, but it's gentle as it helps her up from the floor.

"How long have you been here?" She asks after they both sit down side by side on the stone bench.

The man's green eyes met Lexi's, and they're so sad it almost makes her cry. The sad eyes tell a story all on their own filled with misunderstanding, remorse, and lifetimes of pain.

"You are a strange human," he interrupts her thoughts with a small smile. "Wise beyond your years, but still so young...So very young. My name is Gadreel, and I have been here since the beginning of time."

"The beginning of time?" She wonders softly, squinting her eyes in confusion. "You're an angel? Why are you in here?" A sadness fills Gadreel's eyes and Lexi reaches for his hand again. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'm Lexi." She smiles at him as she makes her introduction.

"Very nice to meet you, Lexi. And yes, I am angel, but you already knew that." Gadreel's eyes leave Lexi's and look down at the floor, "Why is it that you study that crack in the stone? I can hear you thinking about it, wishing you could touch it. Why? Why such a simple ordinary thing like a crack in stone? It does not make sense to me. I have been here since time began, and I have never noticed the crack, but you do right away. Why?"

Blowing out a heavy breath, Lexi shakes her head. "I don't know. It reminds me of something. Like, this is heaven, and we're taught that heaven is perfect. It's where you go when you die if you've lived a good life and loved God, but here I am. I'm not dead, and I've done horrible things in my life. I've lied, I've stolen, and right now, I don't so much love God. He promised me a good life with many rewards, and I'm here. He lied to me. I'm that crack in the stone. I don't belong. I'm the flaw in the perfection." A sad smile spreads across her lips. "I'm that crack."

"I see." Gadreel nods his head. "Humans. They talk about God and heaven and angels, do they mention them by name?"

"Well, most people know the most common angels; Gabriel, Michael, Raphael...Lucifer. But I kind of...I kind of know more. It's hard to explain."

"You do not recognize mine?" Gadreel asks simply.

Lexi shakes her head. "No, I'm sorry. But if you weren't trying to kill me, then that doesn't mean anything. Other people might, though. Priests, nuns, people who read the bible, people who pray to angels, maybe?"

"No one prays to me."

"Gadreel." Lexi squeezes his hand softly. "Why are you here?"

"Are you familiar with the bible? Do you read it's pages?" He asks, hopeful.

"When I was younger, I did for church. My mom used to read me stories about Moses and Daniel, but Noah's story was my favorite. I remember little things. Are you in it?"

"The garden. I was there." He winces as if remembering something painful.

"Eden? Like with Adam and Eve? The tree?"

"Yes. God trusted me to guard the entrance to the garden..."

"Oh," Lexi whispers.

"Do you know the story? The stories...the lies they whisper about me?" Gadreel spits through gritted teeth.

"You let the serpent into the garden. He tricked Eve into eating the fruit. She gave it to Adam and God cast them out of the garden," she answers in a shaky whisper.

"And then God cast me into here. Forever. But I swear to you, I did not do it. I did not!" His green eyes plead Lexi, plead her to trust him, to believe him. Like if just one person believes him, it will ease his suffering.

"I believe you. I do." Gadreel's shoulders sag as the words come from Lexi's lips, as if the weight of the world has been lifted off from them.

"I have waited so long to hear someone say that. So long. Thank you."

Lexi pats his hand softly. "You're very welcome."

"Lexi?" Gadreel asks after what seems like years of silence. "Why are you here? I have heard them talk about you on Angel Radio. I try to ignore it, but sometimes I can not. You've hid for so long, you've evaded them at every turn. Why do they want you?"

"I-I can't remember. My memories are so...lots of things are missing. Naomi took so many when she..." Lexi touches the space in her chest where there should be a gaping hole from all the digging, but it feels just like it should, just like it always has. Only more empty.

Gadreel raises his hands to Lexi's face. "May I?"

Lexi nods her head and feels his cold rough fingers gently touch the side of her forehead. Thousands of memories burst inside her brain, almost painful, but peaceful at the same time. When he pulls his hands away from her face, she feels dizzy, and leans into his cold and solid shoulder.

"Easy child, just rest for a moment. It must be overwhelming."

For the first time in what feels like centuries, Lexi sleeps. 

-

"How come you do not touch the crack?" Gadreel asks softly, rousing Lexi gently from sleep. 

She realizes that she's curled up against him, and he's holding her tightly, as if he's been keeping her warm in the cold and hard cell. "I don't want to," she lies, fidgeting with the dusty once white and simple dress Naomi tossed at her the first day she was in that cold hard room. 

"Yes, you do. I can hear your thoughts. You want to touch it so badly. It is all that you think about. Other than your dream, just now, you dreamed about a man named Sam and two small children." 

"That man was my husband and they were my children. They're gone now," Lexi answers slowly. 

"I see. Your children are here, I recognize their laughter, but the man, Sam... It is difficult to tell." Gadreel has a confused look on his face. 

"It's a long story," She whispers, sitting up from Gadreel's shoulder. 

"I have nothing but time." He attempts a joke.

"It seems like we both have nothing but time," she states dryly, but Gadreel's face begs her to go on. "My Sam and my daughters, my whole family died, and I thought I could fix it. An angel helped me go back in time to try to change things, but I made it worse. He died again, and I traded his life for mine." She gives him an abbreviated version of her painful story that she can now remember completely. She rubs her hand over her flat stomach, remembering that there was once a child, her and Sam's child, growing in her womb. Obviously not anymore.

"That was a very noble thing to do. I have wished for as long as I can remember to be able to do something so noble, to try to redeem myself." 

"I don't feel very noble."

"Lexi, why do you never touch the crack in the floor?" Gadreel asks again. 

Instantly there are tears in her eyes, "I'm scared, Gadreel. I'm so scared."

"Why? It is just broken stone. It will not hurt you."

"That's just it. That stupid crack in the floor, it gives me comfort. I don't know why, it just does."

"I have heard you wish that it would take you away from here. Wish that it would save you. It does not make sense to me."

"You know how when something is broken, like it just needs one piece to work again? Like a deck of cards missing the three of hearts, the deck is useless, you can't play any games with it; it's garbage. But if someone were to find that missing card under the couch, or where ever, the deck would work again. It would be complete?"

"Yes, I think I understand." He nods his head in agreement. 

"I know it doesn't make sense, but that crack in the floor. I feel like it's like me. And I think if I touch it, feel it's deep crevice, it's brokenness, that it will...It'll fix me. It's broken and useless, like me, and if I touch it, our brokenness will fix each other." 

"So why do you not touch it?" He asks for a third time.

"Because its just a silly fantasy, and I know nothing will happen, it won't take me home like I wish it would. But it strangely enough gives me comfort, and if I touch it and it does nothing, I won't have that comfort. It'll just be a crack in the floor."

"It is hope?" He wonders.

"It's hope." She agrees. 

"Touch it." Gadreel tells her. 

"No. I can't."

"Touch it." He tells her again. 

"Gadreel. I said no." 

"I believe humans call this a surprise. Touch it." He smiles. 

Lexi just looks up at Gadreel, watches the tiny lines form around his eyes when his lips twist into a smile. 

"Go on." He encourages, nudging her shoulder with his.

Hesitantly, Lexi steps up from the stone bench and walks over to her crack in the floor. She sits down with legs crossed, taking care to not touch even the outermost edge of the broken stone.

Slowly she moves her hand from her lap and lets it ghost over the split in the floor, letting herself feel the icy coldness radiating up from under her. She knows in her heart that it's just a crack and nothing more, but Gadreel seems so eager. Eager like Antonia suckling down her breakfast at Lexi's breast, eager like Alex digging under the Christmas tree on her last Christmas morning. So eager.

Smiling at the memory of her daughters and the life she once had, Lexi lets her hand drop down to the stone floor, but just millimeters before she presses her hand flat, Gadreel interrupts her, he's standing right above her, moving sit next to her. "Will you pray to me?"

Lexi looks up at him, confused. Why would she pray to him? She'll be next to him forever, stuck in this cell, waiting for the end of time that will never exist.

Gadreel doesn't wait for her to answer, he just places his hand over the top of hers and pushes it down to the cold stone.

Lexi closes her eyes, and waits for the nothing, waits for the dreadful second when her fears are confirmed. Her deep fear that the crack is just a crack, and that her irrational fantasies are just that. Irrational fantasies.

Dozens of seconds pass, and she feels like crying, curling up in a ball for forever, and just sobbing until she can't sob anymore. No more hope, no more comfort, it's all gone forever.

Finally she opens her eyes, slowly and one at a time, and she sees a road. She sees sun parched grass and a vast blue sky. She's not in heaven anymore. She's home. Back on earth.

"I will pray to you, Gadreel. Thank you." She sobs, touching the dry and brittle grass with her hands, "I will pray to you forever."


	36. Chapter 36

Just sitting in the empty field, Lexi lets the warm sun shine on her pale skin. She lets her fingers dig into the soft earth, pulling up clumps and watching it crumble in her hands. The smell of the air is comforting, warm and soft, as the gentle breeze swirls her hair around her face, and makes her simple white heaven dress flutter around her thighs. 

After a lengthy amount of time, she pushes herself up from the ground, her legs tingling from lack of blood circulation, but it's a welcomed feeling to her. Heaven was all about pain at first and then years of nothingness. Experiencing normal feelings and sensations is heavenly, for lack of a better term. Lexi enjoys it very much. As she stands, she feels weak and vaguely off kilter, and when she looks down at her sun-parched grass covered knees, she sees why.

Her white dress is pulled tightly against her protruding belly, now very pregnant and large with her growing child. The realization is an overwhelming one. She thought her child was gone, taken, during her torture in heaven, but it's there, real, just like the sun and the sky, and the earth below her. She cradles her belly in her hands, relishing in the familiar sensation of life growing inside her body, a true miracle considering everything.

Keeping the joy of being home and feeling the light flutters in her middle, close to her heart, she realizes she has no idea where she is. No idea _when_ she is. It felt like centuries had passed while she was in Naomi's chair and huddled in her corner. When Cas had brought her to heaven, that day at her cabin, she had been gone for mere minutes, but when she came back Sam and Dean had told her she was gone for days. If she's been gone for years this time, how much time has passed on earth? Is everyone she's ever known in her life, dead and buried? Are they all gone in this life she fantasized coming back to? 

Refusing to let her thoughts get the best of her, Lexi squares her shoulders and walks toward the road. She vows to walk whatever distance and find answers.

After her calves begin to burn and thirst nags at her, a car makes it's way to where she's walking, seemingly from nowhere. Instinctively, Lexi pats her dress, looking for a weapon, looking for anything to protect herself in case the driver of this car is less than friendly. Of course, there's nothing to be found. It's just her and the simple white dress, and the white Nissan Infinity parked ten feet in front of her.

Hesitantly she walks up to the idling car and bends down to peek through the rolled down window. To her surprise, there's a gray haired woman, barely tall enough to see over her steering wheel. She's wearing pale tan polyester pants and an off white cardigan covering her button up white shirt, certainly an excessive amount of layers, considering the warm weather. Upon closer inspection of the woman's face, she reminds Lexi of someone, but she just can't place who. It's her chin, narrow and ending at a point, the nose and the hazel-brown eyes, they're all so familiar. Lexi doesn't know how, but she feels safe, this woman and her kind features, make her feel safe.

"Have you been walking for long, dear? Do you need a ride?" The elderly woman asks with a smile. "Come on in, I have to get to my bridge game. Old Luci DeVille hates when her guests are late."

"Yes, thank you," Lexi says to the woman as she sits down on the soft leather seat. Instantly the sweet smell of candy fills her nose; butterscotch and chocolate. 

"I don't usually pick up hitch hikers, but I didn't think a pregnant woman such as yourself would do me any harm. Though, if you did, I still got some pep left in me. I'd give ya a run for your money." The old woman teases, laughing at her own joke.

Lexi returns the smile, "I don't usually hitch hike, but..." She has no idea how to finish her sentence. _I just escaped from heaven and ended up here. Hey by the way, do you know what year it is?_   "But, here I am." She keeps her answer short and succinct, hoping the woman doesn't press for a more detailed answer.

"I'm Gabrielle White, but everyone calls me Trixie."

"Lexi Winchester, nice to meet you."

"Winchester. Hmmmm. Sounds familiar, but then with me, you never know. My memory ain't what it used to be, that's for sure. Been around for many-a year. But I got this..." Trixie digs in her suitcase sized purse, "This cellular phone? My grandson says I should carry it with me when I'm out and about. I hardly ever turn it on. Back in my day, we didn't even have phones in our houses. Now everyone has one glued to their hands. FaceSpacin' and what not. Don't make a lick-a sense to me, but you're welcome to it, if you wanna call someone?"

Holding the phone in her hand, Lexi holds back a laugh at Trixie's terminology, but is slightly comforted by the mentioning of social media and the simplicity of the phone. She can't be too far into the future. She dials Bobby's phone number to the house, but when he doesn't answer the house number or his six lines, Lexi frowns at the phone. When she starts to dial Jody's phone, Trixie interrupts her thoughts.

"Winchester?" She wonders aloud. "I know it sounds familiar..." She shrugs, giving up on her thought. "Where abouts you headed to? My bridge game's in Lawrence."

Gaping up at the old lady, Lexi had no idea what to say. "We're in Lawrence?" She manages to blurt out. When her eyes go to move back to the phone, to try Bobby's number again, she notices a newspaper under Trixie's purse, a cross word puzzle. And then she sees the date. _May 2010._ She's not in the future, she's not home, not in 2014, she's in the past, almost exactly a year since she left. Quickly she dials Sam's phone number, but for some reason it's out of service. With shaky fingers she punches in Dean's phone number, pushing out all the panicky thoughts bouncing around in her head. "Please, God, let him answer."

"Who is this?" Dean's voice growls into the phone.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Lexi all but sobs into the phone, "DEAN! Oh God! It's so good to hear your voice! It's Lexi! I'm ba--"

"I don't know what the fuck you are, but if you call this number again, I swear to God I will hunt you down and rip your lungs out!"

The call ends.

In shock, both from hearing Dean's voice, from being back from heaven, from being put back in the past, Lexi tries to calm herself. She blows out a stuttered breath and redials Dean's number.

"Alright, fucker. Your ass is---"

"DEAN! I swear to God it's me. I'm in Lawrence and I woke up in a ditch, and I'm so pregnant. Please! It's me, I swear it's me," she hisses into the phone, wanting so much to scream her pleas at Dean, but fighting to keep her voice low.

There's a long silence that seems to draw on forever, but finally Dean clears his throat "Lex? You gotta give me something. Something that'll make me know it's you. Just something, anything."

"Emperor Palpaltine. Bobby Singer. Impala. Rhonda Hurley. The Colt. Busty Asian Beauties. Your--"

"Jesus Christ, Lex! It's really you! How? I mean, you're in Lawrence? Be there as soon as I can, okay? Won't be long. M'not far. Kay?"

"Dean, where's Sam? I tried his phone number, he didn't answer--"

"On my way, Lex," Dean interrupts with an urgency Lexi doesn't understand. 

"Okay," she answers, but the line's already gone dead. 

An hour later, Trixie parks her white Infinity on the street across from a diner. Lexi looks up from the phone in her hands and notices a gold pin hanging from a golden chain on the rear view mirror. It's a set of gold angel wings and they shine brightly in the Kansas sunlight.

"Take this." Trixie hands her the crossword puzzle that was hiding under her purse. "Maybe it'll help you pass the time until your friend is able to come get you."

"Th-thank you," Lexi stutters out, suddenly nervous, but she can't pin point why. She takes the crossword puzzle from the elderly lady's hand anyway.

"Have a lovely day, dear," Trixie says as Lexi steps out of the car and looks back, studying the woman's face and trying to figure out who this woman reminds her of.  Momentarily distracting her, Lexi hears the sound of the Impala drive up across the street. When Lexi looks back to the white Infinity, it's gone. Completely vanished as if it was never there. 

Just as Dean jogs across the street, Lexi looks down at the crossword clench in her hand. Several words are filled in, but not correctly. The words say:

_"They're still watching you. Don't reveal any secrets. Don't change anything. This isn't your war to fight. Toodles, Gabriel."_

Just as Dean wraps his arms around Lexi, she sees the smile on his face, but also sees the sadness filling his red rimmed eyes.

She knows she's too late. She knows why Sam didn't answer his phone. He's already said 'yes'.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between the beginning and end of Swan Song.

After a painful and tension filled drive to Dean's motel room, the Impala is parked, turned off, and Dean is looking at Lexi. She can feel his eyes on her, she can hear his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, but she stares at the crumpled crossword puzzle resting on her pregnant belly.

Their reunion in front of the diner in Lawrence was briefly joyous. Dean hugged her tightly when he saw her, was happy to find her alive and well after being gone for so long, but the Dean that Lexi has never been familiar with, the Dean who knows only war and vengeance, and the strong urge to protect his brother, came out very quickly.

The whole drive Dean ordered her to give him answers, to tell him what was happening, and how to stop it, but Lexi only shook her head and insisted she couldn't tell him.

There was a time when Lexi told both Sam and Dean what the future held for them, when she warned them of what was going to happen. There was a time when Lexi thought she could save them both. She was wrong. Just as Chuck told her, some things just can not be changed.

Dean's red rimmed eyes are angry, afraid and frustrated, now glaring at her, silently (and sometimes not so silently) urging her to tell him what will happen. 

But what can she say?

Gabriel's instructions are very clear. Zachariah is still watching her and it's only because he's making preparations for his most anticipated day, that he hasn't swooped down and hauled her ass back to her dusty, lonely and cold cell in heaven. Gabriel's words warned Lexi not to reveal her secrets, not to change what will happen in the next short amount of time, because she's being watched. From this moment on, if she changes the wrong thing, everything around her could crumble into a life that she wouldn't even recognize.

"Do you know what's going to happen?" Dean barks for the hundredth time, pulling Lexi out of her tearful thoughts.

Slowly, she passes the wrinkled crossword puzzle over to Dean. He takes one look at it, quickly reading the words, Gabriel's warnings, and bolts out of the Impala, slamming the door behind him. Jumping at Dean's rushed exit and a demeanor she's still not accustomed to seeing in him, Lexi swallows her tears and lets her head rest on the back of the seat.

"Inside. Now!" Dean yells when opens her door, making her jump for a second time in just seconds.

Lexi follows him, silently obeying.

-

After slamming the door closed, Dean sinks down into the nearest chair and scrubs his face with his hands, while Lexi sits down on the bed furthest away from him. She doesn't need grace to be able to feel Dean's emotions; the air is thick with them. Thick with tension, thick with rage and fear and desperation; a deadly combination when it comes to Dean Winchester.

"You have to tell me! I know you know what's happening! You married him for Chrissake! How the hell is that even possible right now! Does he come back? HOW!"

"Dean, I can't," Lexi answers, doing everything she can to dry up her tears and stay calm. "I showed you--"

"YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT GAG ORDER!" He screams at Lexi. "HE'S MY BROTHER!"

"I KNOW!"

"LEX!" Dean growls as he flies up from his chair and tears across the room to Lexi, "You're gonna tell me. I don't give a shit what Gabriel said! You're gonna tell me!"

Keeping her chin high, Lexi stares into Dean's eyes. "No, I'm not."

Grabbing Lexi's wrist, Dean yanks her up from the bed roughly. "Yes. You are. You'll tell me, or I swear to God, I'll---"

"DEAN!" Castiel appears out of no where, interrupting the eldest Winchester. "LET HER GO!" His voice booms in the dingy motel room, displaying his powerful-wrathful-solider-of-heaven qualities.

Wrenching her wrist free from Dean's tight grip, Lexi sinks back down onto the bed, and looks up at Dean with shock and fear filled eyes. She's never seen this side of Dean before. He's never once yelled at her this way, let alone threatened her. 

He takes a step backward, obeying Cas and glares down at Lexi. "If you were anyone else..." He squeezes his eyes shut and blows out a breath, shaking his head. "God, I'm so sorry, Lex. But this is Sam we're talking about!"

"You think she not is aware, Dean?" Castiel walks across the motel room to Lexi's side. "I know you are desperate, but she has been given orders. Told exactly what to do and she must do it." Cas looks down on Lexi, putting a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her. "Gabriel has taken a special interest in you, Alexis."

"When we were back at the cabin, he looked through my memories. He saw everything," Lexi whispers in a small voice, not daring to look up at Dean again.

"You see?" Cas asks Dean. "Alexis should neither confirm nor deny that she has any knowledge of the future events. Gabriel saw the future, he's picked out this particular time and deemed it imperative that Alexis not meddle. Even her being here, has changed everything. It is quite possible this didn't happen in her time."

Dean opens his mouth to object, but Cas raises his hand to silence him. "I only heard of your release moments ago. I was not aware that you were in heaven. Only a few select angels were privy to your imprisonment."

"You were in heaven?" Dean asks, his tone changing from the violent one he used moments ago, to a more concerned tone.

Lexi nods her head and cradles her belly in her shaky hands. 

"They took your grace," the angel announces, as he looks down on her with quizzical eyes, angel scanning her. "It is a wonder that you are even still alive. Your iron is very low and you are very close to birth. Your blood pressure is also dangerously high at the moment, you should rest." He turns his attention to Dean, casting him a shameful look.

"And I will, but.. But I need to take a shower. It seems like it's been years since I've taken a shower." Lexi pauses, looking up at Cas. "In heaven, it felt like I was there for years, centuries even. When you took me to heaven before, we were there for just a few minutes. But then you brought me back, and they said I was gone for days. How come only a year's gone by?"

Cas presses his lips together and lets out a sigh. "Time is fluid."

Lexi raises her eyebrows. "Oh. Okay." The angel's short sentence not making any sense to her.

Picking up on her confusion, Castiel adds, "Certain parts of heaven, particularly in the prison, time moves more slowly. It is part of the torture."

"Torture?" Dean questions with wide eyes.

"Yes, I imagine Alexis' torture was rather painful. Extracting grace from a human is an excruciating experience and usually ends in death. Not one human has survived--"

"I'm taking a shower," Lexi interrupts, not wanting a recap of her unpleasant stay in heaven's prison. She walks to the bathroom as fast as her swollen Legs and ankles can carry her.

-

Inside the shower, thankful to be away from Dean and his relentless questions, Lexi scrubs away the layers of dust and sweat, dirt and grime and watches the white bubbles from her soap take everything down the drain. When she's finished, she reaches up down to turn the shower and sees a small crack in the cheap plastic of the bottom of the tub.

Memories of her damp and dusty cell, the desperate feelings of hopelessness, defeat and loneliness, fill her mind and heart and she sinks to the water stained tub floor and presses her hand into the crack.

"You asked me to pray to you, Gadreel, and I promised I would. I don't know what to do. How did you do it? How did you send me back? How did you--"

"Lex?" Dean interrupts with a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" She peeks around the shower curtain to see Dean standing in the bathroom.

"Here's your...your bag. It's all your stuff from before, but Sam... He put some other stuff inside before...everything. Thought you might want something to, you know." He sighs, "I thought you'd want it."

"Thanks."

"Yup." Dean goes to leave the bathroom, but stops and turns back to Lexi. "You doin' okay?"

Lexi flings the shower curtain closed. "I'm fine."

"Kay." Dean sighs and Lexi knows he's gone when the door clicks closed.

After she carefully maneuver herself from the bottom of the shower, she wraps up in a towel and sits down on the edge of the tub. She stares at Sam's backpack, almost scared to open it. The last time she saw Sam had been like taking a bullet, seeing him with Ruby, watching him leave, yet again.

Finally she digs inside the bag. She finds a few articles of her clothing, her gun, her version of Ruby's knife, and a small knitted blue blanket. She also finds Sam's journal, the wooden box with her necklace, her engagement ring, her crumpled yellow post-it Sam wrote to her on her birthday when she was taken by the demons. There's also Sam's hunter green plaid shirt that he'd forgotten at the motel room, the day he left with Ruby, the first time, and another plaid shirt; pale blue and white. When she unfolds it and brings it up to her nose to breathe in Sam's scent, a second yellow post-it note flutters to the dingy tiles of the bathroom.

_Lexi,_

_I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I'm so sorry for everything._

_I have to do this. I have to stop it. Only I can.  
_

_I love you. Always._

_Sam_

Burying her face in Sam's shirts, Lexi lets out a sob, dampening the plaid material with her tears and her dripping hair. Back in 2014, Cas and Crowley warned her that things wouldn't be the same. They were wrong. They're exactly the same.

Finally, when her back is aching from sitting on the tiny edge of the tub, Lexi shoves everything inside the bag and pulls a pair of cotton pants on and yanks a tee shirt over her head, noting the stretched fabric around her middle and exits the bathroom. Dean is sitting at the small table with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, his face buried in the other.

"Where did Cas go?" Lexi asks softly, so she doesn't startle Dean.

"He's around I'm sure." He grunts, after swallowing a mouthful from his bottle. "But he said for me to tell you to get in bed. That you're on bed rest until further notice."

"Oh. Well, do you. Uh, do you want me to go?" Lexi hugs Sam's bag to her chest. "I can call Cas and he can bring me to Bobby's or...somewhere that's not here."

He pulls another mouthful of whiskey into his mouth and shakes his head. "No, I don't want you to go. I just--I'm sorry. I shouldn't have--" When Lexi lets out a whimper and grabs for her stomach, he stops. "What?" He jumps up from the table and rushes to her. "The baby?"

Breathing in and out deeply, Lexi shakes her head. "Just a kick."

"C'mon," he helps Lexi over to the second bed. "In to bed with you."

Exhausted, Lexi lets him lead her to the second bed. He pulls down the covers and she climbs in, situating the pillows comfortably around her. He smooths the blankets over her and flicks off the lamp on the bedside table. Knowing Dean's still standing over her, watching her sleep, Lexi falls asleep almost instantly.

-

It's pitch black when her eyes pop open. It takes her a second to remember she's not in heaven, but in a motel room. Trying to push her panicky feelings down, she reminds herself that she's safe and Dean's three feet away in the next bed. Well, she's safe for the moment, but she has this feeling that she just can't shake. She feels something, something deep inside her. She sits up on the bed and strains her eyes to see around the dark motel room. A car drives along the high in front of the motel room, illuminating everything for just a second and she sees Dean passed out on his bed.

Still feeling the nagging feeling in her heart, she pushes herself up off the bed and quietly pads over to the window. Unable to see anything, she hesitantly cracks the door open and takes a step out into the cool night air.

At the other end of the parking lot, she sees him.

She sees Sam.

He's standing in the dim light of a lamp post and she almost can't believe her eyes.

"Sam," Lexi breathes and she starts to walk toward him, logic and reason leaving her mind with every step she takes. He follows suit and starts to walk toward her, his long legs making his strides huge compared to Lexi's.

As they get closer to each other, Lexi picks up speed and starts to run as fast as her pregnant body will allow, a huge smile on her face.

When she gets about fifteen feet away from Sam and she hears Dean yell, "STOP!"  He's sprinting across the parking lot barefoot in nothing but black flannel pants, calling behind her, "LEX! NO!"

She freezes at his words, but Sam still keeps walking toward her. Dean beats Sam to her side and he steps between the two of them. As Sam approaches, Lexi can see it on his face, in eyes, it's not Sam. She'd curse her stupidity, but she's too scared, petrified even, knowing she's standing just a few feet away from Lucifer. She can still feel Sam even though his shoved deep down inside himself, the fallen angel having full control, and he's so scared. He's scared for Lexi, he's scared for Dean, he's scared for the world.

"Why the fuck are you here?" Dean growls, his arm protectively reaching back toward Lexi.

"That's not Sam," Lexi whispers in a shaky voice, stating the obvious. Something she knows she should have known before even coming out into the parking lot.

"Oh, but he's here too." Lucifer taps the side of Sam's head. "And he's bouncing around in here like crazy, seeing you here with his girl, Deano. And look at that baby bump!" Lucifer reaches out Sam's hand to touch Lexi's belly, but Dean slaps it away.

 ** _DON'T YOU TOUCH HER!_** Sam screams at Lucifer from the inside, his voice roaring in Lexi's head, making her jump.

"Not gonna happen, pal!" Dean growls again, backing closer to Lexi.

"No worries," Lucifer says nonchalantly, twisting Sam's face up into a smile. "I should be on my way anyhow. Big day tomorrow. Get to see my big brother!" He says excitedly, clasping Sam's hands together. "You're not invited." He smirks at Dean. "But you, Miss Lexi, you can come see me anytime you want." He bites Sam's lip while looking Lexi up and down with seductive eyes.

Dean pulls Lexi closer to him, tossing a look over his shoulder, their eyes meeting for just a fraction of a second. When they look back, Lucifer is gone.

"Lex! Are you okay?" Dean asks, turning around to face Lexi, his hands on her shoulders.

"He's so scared, Dean! I could feel him! He's so scared and it hurts." She wraps her arms around herself. "God, I was so stupid! I shouldn't have come out here!" She tries to walk away from Dean, knowing that he's pissed at her, but stumbles just a little bit on weak legs. 

Of course, Dean's there to catch her and he scoops her up. "I got ya."

He carries Lexi into the motel room, kicking the door closed behind him. He carefully sets her down on his bed and tucks her in, sliding into the same bed next to her. He rubs her back gently while she cries. 

"Dean?" She croaks out his name. 

"Yeah?"

"Will you ever forgive me?" 

Dean pulls her close, protectively wrapping an arm around her. "Will _you_ ever forgive _me_?"

Lexi pats Dean's chest, feeling the pointed horns of his amulet press into her palm. "There's nothing to forgive."

*//*

"Lex, wake up." Dean rubs her shoulder, carefully waking her up. "Cas is gonna bring you to Bobby's house. You'll be safe there." 

"No!" Lexi bolts up on the bed. "I'm coming with--" 

"You can't come with us. It's not safe, not with the baby. You're goin' to Bobby's, Lex. I'm not arguing with you on this," he interjects with a very firm tone, just as Cas appears.

Lexi grabs her backpack from the floor with a huff and stomps off toward the bathroom, her mind working a million miles a minute to figure out how she's going to get to that cemetery. She slams the door behind her.

Once inside the bathroom, she reaches up to flip on the light, but a hand presses over her mouth and backs her into the door.

"Shhhh!" A voice hisses at her in the dark, when Lexi tries to scream for Dean. "I'm not going to hurt you." Lexi hears fingers snap and the lights turn on.

It's Gabriel.

"I saw what happened with this, the first time around, when I peaked in your noggin, back in the great arctic tundra, you call home. Do what Dean says. You can't be there. Just by you being _here_ , you're changing everything." Gabriel's head snaps up and he looks around the bathroom. "Ah, crap. Looks like you're not going to have a choice." He snaps his fingers one more time and Lexi's out of her pajamas and into regular clothing. "Good luck, kiddo. You're gonna need it. Zach won't hurt you, just do whatever he says.

And Gabriel's gone.

"Zachariah is coming?" She hisses to the empty bathroom, but no one answers.

Lexi storms out of the bathroom, the door slamming against the wall, making Dean jump and spin toward the noise. His eyes grow wide and Lexi feels herself being yanked backwards and wrapped roughly in strong arms.

Dean rushes toward Lexi, pulling an angel blade from his jacket, but  a hand snakes up to her neck and squeezes tightly. 

"Not so fast," Zachariah's voice booms in the room. "Say yes and I'll let her go right now," he says slyly to Dean. 

"No!" Lexi tries to scream, but her word is cut off by Zachariah's grip.

"Let her go, you son of a bitch!" Dean roars.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Zachariah chides as he brings his hand down from Lexi's neck and to her pregnant belly, rubbing it gently, "Fornicating with a blasphemous man such as Sam Winchester." He winks down at her. "That's a sin you know."

Dean lunges toward them, but in a microsecond, Zachariah and Lexi are gone.

-

When Lexi opens her eyes, her and Zachariah are standing in a great room, and he sits her down on a plush red velvet couch. "You, Alexis, have caused more trouble than you're worth," he growls at her. "So, I took it upon myself to just take you out of the equation, so things can commence as they should."

With a look of satisfaction, he walks over to a table filled with an assortment of shiny crystal decanters filled with alcohol and pours himself a drink. He pauses, and then offers it to Lexi, but chuckles to himself sinisterly. "I suppose not, since you're carrying the unholiest of abominations in your womb."

Lexi wraps her arms around her belly protectively, even though Gabriel told her Zachariah wouldn't hurt her. "What do you want with me? I haven't told Dean anything to derail your precious apocalypse."

"As true as that may be, you still disobeyed. I warned you what would happen if you went near the Winchesters." Zachariah sighs dramatically. "I've come so far, worked so hard, and I'm not taking any chances now. You're not going to spoil our plans now."

"Dean will never say yes, not now. Not while you have me. There's no way!"

"True," he says with mock disappointment. "But that's why we have a back-up plan.' He looks up at the ceiling and yells, "Illegitimate Winchester, come on down!"

Zachariah snaps his fingers, and a man Lexi can only guess is Adam, is standing in the room, looking very confused. Zachariah stoops himself so he's directly in Lexi's face and whispers harshly, "You mess this up, you tell Adam ANYTHING he's not supposed to know, and I'll make sure you're truly alone after this is all said and done. Dean Winchester and that abomination in your womb will be just another couple marks on the list of the many of whom I have smote over the millennia."

Terrified, Lexi feels the color drain from her face. She always knew Zachariah was a bastard, but she never thought he'd do this.

He leans up from Lexi's face, adjusts his suit jacket and straightens his tie. "You just sit tight with Adam. Mind your manners and I'll come back when the show's about to start." With an evil smile, Zachariah is gone.

Adam has a look of dread on his face. "Who are you? What's going on?" He looks around the room and growls, "Where the hell are we!"

Despite of everything going on, Lexi stares at Adam's face, and is clearly able to see John Winchester's features. She's heard only little tidbits about Adam over the years, read short entries in both Winchester's journals, but of course, she's never actually met him. As he growls his words at Lexi, she thinks to herself that he sounds just like Dean.

"I'm Lexi," she pauses. "Lexi Winchester. I'm kind of your sister in-law." Confusion fills Adam's face and before he can tell her that he doesn't have any siblings, Lexi sighs. "It's a long story..."

-

Adam and Lexi sit in silence. He finally stopped barking questions at her after she told him numerous times she couldn't answer them. Out of nowhere, like angels always seem to do, Zachariah comes back.

"You two getting on well?" He asks with a twisted smirk and looks to Adam. "She mind her manners and not spoil the big surprise?"

Adam doesn't say anything, but Lexi sees him swallow nervously. It's obvious he's petrified.

"We have a job for you," Zachariah starts, any and all trace of sarcasm missing from his voice. He almost sounds sincere. "You do this for us and we'll bring you back to your mom. You'll go back to heaven and spend all of eternity with her. You'd like that wouldn't you?"

Adam's face lights up at the mention of his mother. Lexi lets out a pained breath and closes her eyes. She knows exactly what's going to happen and it doesn't involve heaven or his mother.

"You'll bring me to my mom?" Adam asks, sounding like a small child. His words and tone of voice almost makes Lexi cry.

"Scouts honor," Zachariah vows solemnly and raises his hand. "You, your mom and...your dad," Zachariah promises, pausing on the word 'dad', like the mere mention of John Winchester is filth on his tongue. "You'll spend the rest of time in heaven, but I need just one favor from you." He has a kind smile on his face as he proposes everything to Adam, but Lexi knows it's all a ruse, and that he's lying through his teeth. Zachariah will say anything right now to get Adam to say yes.

Taking a deep breath, standing up from the couch, Adam stands tall and proud. "Name it."

Zachariah clasps his hands together and turns to face Lexi. "You hear that, Lexi? It's done!" He looks up at the ceiling. "Oh, Michael!" He calls loudly and the room begins to shake.

Lexi can hear the high pitched hum that only an angel makes and the room fills with a bright white light. She presses her hands as tightly as she can to her ears and squeezes her eyes shut, preparing herself for the worst.

After a moment, the room falls silent and Lexi slowly opens her eyes to see Zachariah and his look of pure satisfaction and smugness. Lexi would give anything to rip it right off.

"It's show time," He announces with a grin.

Adam walks slowly over to Lexi, but she knows it's not Adam. Not anymore. It's the way he holds himself: tall and strong, almost regal; shoulders squared, back straight and his head held high. Gone are the softness in his blue eyes and in his features, it's all Michael now. He reaches down and cups the side of Lexi's face gently. She flinches, trying to press herself further into the soft cushions of her couch to get away.

"Easy, child," Michael says softly in Adam's voice. "I am so sorry to have to do this to Sam, to your beloved, but it is written, and it must be."

Lexi gapes up at Michael, surprised at his gentle tone and shocked at his remorse for what he must do. Before she can snap herself out of her shock, before can say anything to Michael, or plead to him not to do this, he vanishes right before her eyes. 

With a smug look of pride, Zachariah takes Lexi's hand from her belly and helps her up off the couch, leading her to a huge mirror on the wall. The reflection shows the her and Zachariah standing side by side in the room and seems to go on forever.

"I can't allow you to be there, not when we're so close." He snaps his fingers and they both are able to see a cemetery. Lexi can only assume it's Stull Cemetery. "But what I _can_ do is give you a balcony seat."

Out of nowhere, Zachariah and Lexi hear the sound of wings behind them and they turn to look and see who is joining them.

Quicker than Lexi can even think, Cas appears and with all the force in the world he shoves the shiny and sharp angel blade in to Zachariah's chest. With a shocked look on his face, he falls limply to the floor after a powerful blue-white light erupts from his body. The charred outline of Zachariah's massive wings are burned into the carpeting of the floor and walls, the faint smell of ash and smoke, lingering in the air.

"I must go," Cas says quickly. "You will be safe here."

Before Lexi can object or beg him to take her with him, Cas is gone and she knows exactly where he's going.

She turns to the massive mirror on the wall and sees Michael and Lucifer, in Adam and Sam's bodies, circling each other. The enormous mirror doesn't provide sound, so Lexi isn't able to hear what is being said, but she doesn't need to. Just reading Dean's journal entry of this one experience, one time, Lexi's committed it to memory. Peering into the shiny surface of the mirror, she reaches a trembling hand up and touches Sam's image.

Regardless of the things Sam had done to her; leaving her for Ruby, sending her away with the angel banishing symbol and then leaving her again for Ruby, Lexi doesn't care. None of it matters right now, because she's all too familiar with what's coming next.

She watches Michael and Lucifer, standing tall and powerful, turn away from each other to look at something. It's Dean in the Impala, driving up the dusty old path of the cemetery. He drives past the broken and crumbling grave stones, right up to where the two angels stand in Dean's brothers' bodies.

Dean walks over to his brothers and Lexi can see he's trying to keep a stoic and strong look on his face, but the tired lines by his eyes, the look of fear he tries to mask with determination and strength are easy for Lexi to see.

Quicker than she ever imagined, Cas is throwing the flaming bottle of holy oil at Micheal, and he bursts into flames, disappearing from the cemetery, leaving Dean alone with Lucifer.

Part of Lexi wants to curl up on the floor and just sob. She doesn't need to watch this, she knows exactly what's going to happen, but she can't tear her eyes away from the huge mirror. She can't tear her eyes away from Sam. The sight is worse than anything she could have ever imagined.

Reading Dean's personal description of this very moment in his leather bound journals does the actual event no justice. Dean's written version is rated G, it's a bed time story at best, compared to what she's witnessing.

She watches Lucifer challenge Castiel. She winces when Lucifer snap Sam's fingers and turns away when she sees bits of Cas fly everywhere. He spatters on the ground, on the foliage and brush behind him, pieces of him fly all over Bobby. It's a gruesome thing to witness, but once she brings her eyes back at the mirror, she won't take them away again.

She looks on while Dean tries to talk to Lucifer, but knows that he's really trying to talk to Sam. Trying to bring Sam to the surface, not only to bring about the plan Sam is sacrificing himself for, but also so Dean can say goodbye.

A perpetual stream of tears flows down Lexi's face and she's unaware of the sobs that escape her lips. The only thing she's aware of now are the horrific events occurring right in front of her and how she's helpless to stop any of it.

Dean's strength and courage slowly melt away as Lucifer walks up to him, but the determination and love for his brother are still there. Even though she knows it's coming, Lexi's body jumps when she sees Lucifer throw Dean into the Impala, spider webbing the Chevy's wind shield. Pausing before he does it, Lucifer turns around to glare at Bobby, who Lexi knows just shot him, in a last act of desperation, in a fatal attempt to save Dean.

Bobby's always thought of the Winchester boys as his own and even though he knew the gun shot wouldn't kill Lucifer, he shoots the devil anyway. He sacrifices himself, buying Dean just seconds. He does it because in every way that matters, Bobby is Dean and Sam's father and he'd do anything for his sons. 

Of course, the shot doesn't do any good, it just pisses Lucifer off, and Lexi braces herself for the inevitable.

With just a sharp flick of Sam's wrist, Lucifer breaks Bobby's neck and he falls to the ground; lifeless, limp, dead. Lexi can't hear Dean scream "NO!" but she sees his mouth move. She sees the pain and devastation in his eyes and even though her grace is long gone, she feels the loss, the agony and the disbelief in her heart. Dean doesn't know Cas will come back and the he'll revive Bobby, but Lexi does. That thought is what is saving her from falling apart, from giving up. 

Then the beatings start.

She flinches every time she sees Lucifer punch Dean with a force only wielded by an angel. She flinches at every blow. Dean feels them in his face and in his bones, but Lexi feels them in her heart and in her soul. She knows Dean is still trying to bring Sam to the surface, telling him that it's okay and that he's there with him, that Sam isn't in this alone. But it's Lucifer that stares down on Dean, it's Lucifer beating Dean into the ground, Sam is still fighting and clawing his way to the surface.  
  
After what seem like millions of bone shattering punches, blows and beatings, the sun glints off the shiny body of the Impala and then it happens.

Lexi can tell by the look on Sam's face, the softness in his eyes and his stance, that it isn't Lucifer anymore. Sam's hand pauses in mid-air just before it plows into Dean's face, and for a second, he looks down on Dean. Sam once told Lexi about the millions of memories that ripped through his mind at that moment, and she watches his face, aware of what's going on in the moment.

Dean peers up at his brother, though half-swollen shut, bloody and battered eyes, but he doesn't look up in terror, he looks up in ever-lasting brotherhood and camaraderie. He's afraid, sure, but not afraid that he's going to get his face bashed in by the devil himself. He's afraid that this is the last time he's ever going to get to see his brother. He's afraid that his brother, his best friend, is going to spend the rest of time burning in hell.

Lexi calls out to Sam, even though she knows she can't hear him. She touches his image in the mirror, once again, even though she knows it's not really him, just an image, knowing that he can't feel her, and that she won't actually be able to touch him for a very long time.  
  
She holds her breath as Sam pulls the Horseman rings from his pocket, and tosses them to the ground. She watches his lips move as he says the words Death gave to Dean all those months ago, to do this very thing; to lock Lucifer back in his cage. She gasps in horror and covers her mouth as she sees the ground give away, showing the entrance to Lucifer's cage.  
  
The sight is nothing like Lexi ever imagined, not in her wildest nightmares. She watches the whipping wind come up from the cage and Sam's chest rapidly rise and fall as he looks between Dean and the gaping hole in the world, leading to hell. His eyes register a fear that Lexi's never seen before, but then he looks down at Dean, battered and broken and he nods his head, a silent showing that he can do this.  
  
Suddenly Michael is back, Lexi can see him trying to convince Sam of how this is supposed to end. The angels didn't know this little twist in their precious plan, but Lexi did, always has. She knows that her Sam is strong, her Sam is brave, her Sam is going to save the world, and he's going to take Michael with him.  
  
Lexi's world stops, along with her heart, and she holds her breath as she watches Sam stretch out his arms, and start to free fall into the dark chasm of the earth. She gasps in a painful breath of air when she sees Michael grab hold of Sam's jacket and try to pull him back, but her Sam is strong, and just like before, Sam pulls Michael with him. The mirror shows Lexi the view of Michael and Sam's bodies falling through the darkness.  
  
And then they're gone.

She screams out, "NO!" as a bright light erupts from the abyss, sealing the hole in the ground, stealing the only man she's truly loved in all her life.

All that is left on the sun-baked grass are the Horseman rings. The rings, the Impala, and a broken in more ways than one, Dean.  
  
In spite of one of the last few moments being the most painful thing she's even endured, Lexi continues to look on, her chest heaving with sobs, her heart broken as Dean kneels in the very spot his brother took his last steps on this earth. The only relief, the only thing that keeps her pulling in breaths and keeping her alive is knowing in seconds Castiel will be back. He'll touch Dean's face and heal all the woulds he can for Dean. Though some will never completely heal.  
  
Much more time passes than she  expect passes, but she stands vigilant, frozen in her spot, waiting on bated breath.

"Cas will come. He will. He will. He will. He will," she mutters to no one but herself.  
  
Then something happens that she never read about, something she never expected. She sees Dean push himself up from the dry grass, the patch of earth showing no evidence of the horror that just occurred on it's surface, she and watches him stumble to the Impala. He heaves his broken body into the seat he's been sitting in for years, and drives away, the passenger seat hauntingly empty.  
  
With the world buzzing in her ears, her heart pounding erratically in her chest, Lexi looks at the cemetery through the mirror and it's empty, filled only with the buried, decaying bodies of loved ones from Lawrence and it's surrounding areas. She stares in shock and horror and utter disbelief and waits, but Cas doesn't come back. 

She gives in and curls up into a ball on the floor, finally realizing what Cas' absence means for her future, for Dean's future, and for Sam's future.

If Cas doesn't come back, there's no one to save Sam.

Sam's gone and there are no tears left in Lexi, just a familiar emptiness, that she hoped and prayed for so long she'd escape.

-

  
After what seems like years of staring up at the empty cemetery, Lexi feels a presence in the room Zachariah brought her to. "Sam?" She calls out, even though she knows it's not him, just wishful thinking.

A woman, an angel, crouches down at her side and says in the softest sweetest voice Lexi's ever heard in her entire life, "Let's get you home."  
  
In just seconds, Lexi's in the motel from Dean brought her to after Gabriel drove her to Lawrence. Dean is battered and broken, wheezing and unconscious on the comforter of his bed. A river of red blood is gushing from his forehead and trickling from his mouth. He has missing teeth, his lips are busted apart and bleeding into his mouth, his face is swollen, almost beyond recognition, contorted into a silent sob even though he's unconscious.  
  
With a quick, but graceful motion, the angel is at his side, her curly golden hair falling around her slight shoulders. She reaches down and touches the side of Dean's face, ever so gently, and right before Lexi's eyes all his bruises, gashes and physical injuries are healed. When Lexi blinks in shock, the angel is gone.  
  
Dean's eyes flutter open as he sits up, and he sees Lexi. A sob erupts from her mouth, coming from the depths of her chest as she stands next to his bed.

They just look at each other with tear-filled eyes, remaining completely still, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid to believe what they both just witnessed.

Breaking the silence that is screaming in both of their minds, Dean finally whispers, "He's gone."


	38. Chapter 38

Dean's outside digging in the trunk of the Impala, looking for his second, no, his third, bottle of whiskey. Who cares? It could be three, it could be thirteen, it doesn't matter.

He's been outside, putzing around in the trunk for awhile now, trying to distract himself. The motel room feels too small to him. The air too dry, too thin, and it makes him feel nauseatingly hot, but then he gets outside and the world feels too big. He feels too out in the open, too unprotected, too alone. There's a space at his side that feels hauntingly empty.

He's left the door open to the motel room, because he knows Zachariah is dead. That particular threat has passed, at least for now. He leaves the door open because he wants to keep an eye on Lexi. Not that Dean's close to being in anything resembling the best place in the world right now, or of sound mind, because he's not, but he's up, and he's moving around. Maybe he's got nine (nineteen?) shots too many running through his veins, but he's up and around, Lexi, however, she's a zombie. She hasn't eat anything, she hasn't spoken a word, and she's barely moved.

There was a part of Dean that held on to hope that this hadn't happened before, that somehow Sam was spared, but he can see it in Lexi's eyes. She didn't know this was going to happen. She wasn't prepared to deal with the loss of Sam.

Neither was Dean.

Just as he finds his whiskey and closes the trunk, Dean hears a crash come from inside the room. He hauls ass back inside and sees Lexi huddled into the corner of the room, her hand pressed into a crack in the floor and a broken bottle of half drunk beer dripping down into the tiny crevices between the cheap kitchenette tiles.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Lexi repeats over and over again, pushing her hand into the floor with so much force that Dean can see her arm shake. "That's not how it was supposed to happen!"

"I know, Lex. I know. C'mon, You're supposed to be in bed." _Cas said you're supposed to be in bed._

He helps Lexi to her feet and guides her back to bed, tucking her under the blankets, and wiping at the steady stream of tears falling from her eyes. She blinks slowly up at him a couple times, like each blink is an apology, before her eyes quickly fall closed and Dean turns to go back to his long sought after bottle of whiskey.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?" He answers, freezing in his tracks, but doesn't turn around.

"Cas is gone? He's dead?"

"He's gone. Bobby too." Dean's voice breaks, remembering his drive back up to the cemetery after Lexi had fallen asleep. He'd given Bobby a proper hunter's funeral and refused, still refuses, to let himself think about how he'll never be able to do the same with Sam. 

Lexi doesn't answer him, she just pulls the blankets up over her head.

Dean can't hear her cry, but out of the corner of his eye, he can see the outline of her shoulders shake forcefully as she tries to hold in her sobs. He stands in the same spot until Lexi's shoulders stop shaking, and until her breath goes slow and steady, then he goes back to his whiskey.

-

He lets the whiskey burn down every inch of his throat, each swallow like a penance for every bad thing he's done in his life. He knows there's too many to count, so he doesn't even bother, but he'll do his penance until the bottle offers no more. Of course, then, he'll get up, find another bottle, start the process all over again and hopefully at some point the whiskey will numb his pain. He doubts it though. 

Swallowing his whiskey, absolution never coming despite every burning inch of penance, Dean presses his thumbs into the sharp horns of the amulet around his neck.

He remember's Lexi's warning to never take it off, and at the time he thought she was crazy, thinking that there would be no chance in hell that he'd ever take it off and leave it off, let alone get rid of it. But when Cas brought it back after failing to find God, Dean knew that was the exact moment Lexi was talking about.

Considering everything, Dean doesn't want to dredge up old memories, good or bad, they're all too painful, but he remembers that moment clearly.

He saw the trash can, where in another life he probably pitched the corded amulet that hung around his neck for too many years to count. In fact, he almost did throw it away. He let it dangle dangerously loose from his fingers above that trash can, but it was as if Lexi was standing right there, screaming in his face. He heard her words as clear as a bell and quickly shoved the necklace in his pocket, and stormed out of the motel room.

For weeks he was furious with Lexi. With hell coursing through his veins, frustrated with himself, with Sam, with the world, with his so-called destiny, and no solution in sight to make it all go away, Dean blamed Lexi. He was convinced that she should have found a way to have told him, told Sam, of what was to become of them. Convinced that some how and some way, everything was her fault, that she had changed too many things, and put them on the trajectory they were on, with no off ramp in sight. But it was one little thing that Sam had said. Just a small sentence Sam uttered in what he thought was in privacy, that changed everything for Dean. 

Sam refused to talk about Lexi after Zachariah had taken her. Dean had tried so many times to casually bring her into conversation, internally arguing with himself about whether or not to tell him about the pregnancy (in the end he decided not to, just another thing Dean shoved down deep inside himself, to keep buried until the end of time) but Sam had made it violently clear Dean wasn't to even mention her name. And Dean understood. He really did. Sam carried the weight of what he thought was Lexi's death, on his shoulders. She traded her life for Sam's when he was dead in Dean's arms and Dean knew Sam would carry that around, along with all his broken promises, for the rest of his life. He blamed himself for everything and didn't want the reminder thrown in his face, so he did what Winchester's do. He shoved it deep, knowing that one day he would answer for his crimes,for his faults and colossal screw ups. 

But when Sam thought he was in the privacy of their tiny motel bathroom in the middle of the night, Dean stumbled upon him talking to Lexi, almost praying to her, confessing his sins. He talked to Lexi like she was right there with him, while Dean watched in the dark motel room, through the door, barely cracked open.

It was like Sam was having a conversation with her, sitting with his legs crossed on the floor, eyes closed and head resting back on the wall. He talked to her like she was sitting in the room with him, pausing after asking a question to seemingly no one in particular, waiting for them to answer. Dean thought maybe it had something to do with the bond, with Lexi's angel grace, but then after Dean had been standing there for so long, standing so still that his legs and back ached, Sam fell apart.

He pounded his fists onto the floor and sobbed, "I wish you could hear me. I wish we could go back home and eat cupcakes with the girls. I wish I could tell you what really happened that night I left with Ruby, and now you'll never know. You sacrificed yourself for me, and you'll never know that I did it all for you. I had to do it and you'll never know. This time you're gone and I'm left alone and I don't know how you did it."

Dean didn't know what Sam meant about going home and eating cupcakes with "the girls", he didn't know what Sam was so desperate to tell Lexi or what he _did for her_ , but Sam's desperate words did something to him. It was like a little _PING_ went off in Dean's brain and any guilt he placed on Lexi, any blame he he cast her way, it all melted away. Dean was there when Lexi traded herself for Sam, he was there when Lexi tried to sell her soul to save Dean, he was there for all those things, but not until Sam cried out the words, did they really make sense to him.

Lexi tried everything to save Dean, tried everything to save Sam, was willing to sacrifice her own life (and the life of her unborn child) for them and in true Winchester fashion, she actually did.

Tiptoeing as quietly as possible, Dean had made his way back to his bed, and feigned sleep when Sam emerged from the bathroom moments later. He let his brother's at first, quick and pained breaths ground him, and then his slow and steady breaths soothe him, and then Dean prayed to Lexi too. He did it silently, in the privacy of his mind, of course, but he prayed. Not the way he prayed to Castiel, and not the way he prayed when he was caught in a jam, like, "Please, let there be enough holy water in my flask to hold off this demon." He prayed to Lexi with reverent thoughts and grateful words, thanking her for all that she'd done. She'd saved Sam, and even though at the time Dean wasn't aware that Zachariah would have brought Sam back to life anyway, because like Lexi said, he needed both brothers to fight heaven's war, she'd saved Sam, she tried to save them both and that's all that mattered.

 -

Since they were still in Kansas and since the great 'Sunflower State' has some of the most strict laws regarding alcohol, thus no twenty-four hour bottle shops, Dean downs his last dose of penance and staggers his way to his bed. The slow and steady breaths that come from the other side of the motel room aren't the ones he's used to. They're more delicate and lacking the slight snore that Sam always lets out, like he's got a plugged nose, but never really does. But Dean rolls over, his back to Lexi and he tries to sleep, not letting himself think about how he's never going to hear Sam's slight snore again.

When his brain finally shuts off enough to grant him access to a whiskey induced sleep, he feels someone standing over him, watching him in the dark. Instincts that he was born with and that were carefully carved into what he has now, Dean's eyes fly open, and he grabs for his gun carefully shoved under his pillow. But the soundless and assumed malicious observer isn't malicious at all, it's Lexi and she's just staring down at him, watching him try to sleep.

Without being asked, without her having to utter a single word, Dean slides over on his bed and flips the blankets open. In almost pitch black, he watches Lexi, clothed in Sam's hunter green button up shirt that hangs well passed her knees, climb into his bed and carefully packs pillows around her round belly. They lie in silence, Dean on his back and Lexi on her side, facing away from him with inches between them, when Lexi groans barely loud enough for him to hear. For just a second, Dean panics, but she reaches behind herself and grabs Dean's hand, bringing it to the side her stomach and he feels it.

He feels a foot, a shoulder or the elbow of a friggen linebacker, move it's way across Lexi's side. Then he feels another and another and then one more before he realizes that his niece or his nephew is in there. He realizes that this Incredible Hunk, this pint sized Lou Ferrigno, doing a number on Lexi's insides, is a tiny part of Sam left behind.

He remembers his promise to Sam, that once Sam was gone he'd go find Lisa and pray to God she was just crazy enough to take him in, but after another quick jab to his hand and a second small groan from Lexi, Dean knows he's right where he belongs.

He's not going anywhere.

*//*

The clock on the table between the beds, tells Dean that it's five o'clock in the morning when he feels a tiny jab in his side.

The same clock tells him that it's 5:03am when he feels it again.

Lexi's curled up on the space between his side and his arm, with her head resting on his shoulder, sound asleep. When he feels the tiny jab again, he wakes up enough to carefully maneuver himself into a sitting position, in hopes of standing up and finding himself some water, or better yet, a strong coffee and a palm full of ibuprofen.

As he moves to stand up from the bed, there's a small tug on his black tee shirt and he looks down to see Lexi still out cold, but with her fist clutching for dear life to his shirt. Not having the heart to pry her tightly gripped fingers away, he settles back down on the bed, his back pressed up against the headboard, and Lexi's head resting on his thigh. He watches her sleep and how the fabric of his brother's hunter green shirt ripples every time his future niece or nephew kicks.

Dean's lost in thought, trying to remember taking care of Sam when he was a baby; changing diapers, making bottles, and diaper rash, when Lexi stirs in his lap.

"What time is it?" She mumbles, rubbing her face that has wrinkles from the creases of his jeans.

He checks the clock. " 'Bout six."

"How come you're up so early?" She asks and Dean can see the immediate fear in her eyes and can hear how she's carefully trying to mask the panic in her voice. He doesn't know why it's there, but it's clearly there.

Dean attempts to give her what he hopes is a reassuring smile and rubs her belly gently, "Baby was kicking me. I'm surprised you slept through it."

Lexi attempts to give him a smile as well, but it's just as pitiful as the one he gave her. "She does that a lot. Running out of room, I suppose. I can go back in the other bed if you want to sleep more?"

Shaking his head, Dean offers up a genuine smile, in spite of his pale skin and red rimmed eyes (he knows how he looks in the morning after drinking as much as he did the night before, adding that on to the recent events, he's sure he looks like shit) "I'm good. Why don't you try to sleep some more?" He smooths her hair from her face, "Just sleep, Lex."

He softly hums the chorus of "Hey Jude" until Lexi's breaths come in slow and long.

The next thing Dean knows he's waking up to Lexi thrashing around in the bed, sobbing into the sheets, and flailing her arms like she's trying to fly up off the bed.

"Lex, c'mon, Lex. Wake up. It's just a dream." He rubs her shoulder, trying to wake her up easily.

After a couple of seconds, she wakes up, but it's not easy. Her arms fly wildly up in the air, her fists groping for anything to grab on to, but Dean's quick, even for just waking up out of a dead sleep five and a half seconds ago and he wrestles her arms down and pulls her tight to him.

'It's okay! I'm here. You're safe." She continues to sob once roused from her nightmare and Dean rocks her, shushing away her terror. When she finally calms down a little bit, he asks, "What were you dreaming about?" As soon as the words escape his mouth, he feels like an ass. Given the recent events, he thinks it's painfully obvious what she was dreaming about.

But he's wrong.

"I-I dreamed that you left," she stutters quietly into his chest. "I was all alone again."

"I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry 'bout that," he tries to assure her, but she pushes herself up from his chest. 

"No. You can't stay. I know you can't. Can't bring a baby on hunts, Dean. I know---"

"Lex, that's my...niece? You think it's a girl?" He asks, remembering Lexi said _she_ kicks a lot. 

"Don't know for sure, just assume she's a girl since I had...two girls before," she answers quietly. 

"Well, either way." Dean tilts Lexi's chin up so she's looking at him. "That's my family in there. You're my family, and you're not gonna to do this alone. We'll figure something out, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I promised you I wouldn't." 

Lexi nods her head and looks away. Dean doesn't have to be a mind reader or have grace to be able to tell exactly what she's thinking. _Sam promised too._

*//*

For three days Dean watches Lexi lay in bed. She gets up only to use the bathroom, but then climbs back in bed and doesn't move a muscle.

It's only when Dean's stomach lets out a quiet rumble into the darkness of their curtain drawn motel room, that he realizes he hasn't eaten in days. A steady diet of whiskey and beer, delivered from the friendly neighborhood bar down the street, does not have his belly pleased with him and he knows it's high time he put something in there that's not been fermented or distilled. When he makes this realization of his own hunger, it hits him that Lexi's not eaten in days. 

"Lex?" He calls to her softly from the cheap kitchenette table, sticky from where he spilled whiskey several times since they've been here, but she doesn't answer. "Lex?" He tries again. "You gotta eat something."

He knows she hears him, because the covers shift just slightly, only a trained eye would see it.

"C'mon, let's go get some grub. I'm starving."

"No," she grunts from the bed.

"It's been days. You have to eat. If you don't want to go anywhere, I'll order--"

Lexi sits up on the bed and casts what Dean can only describe as a death glare. "I said, no." He sees a fresh set of tears fall down her cheeks before she pulls the covers back over her head.

Standing up from the table, Dean rubs his hands on his jeans, trying to get rid of the sticky feeling, and he walks to the bed. Slowly he sits down next to her and pulls the covers down, but all he sees is the back her head. "Lex, look at me." But she doesn't move.

With a heavy sigh, he gets up, walks around to the other side of the bed, and squats down. Her eyes are closed, but he can see that her face is swollen from crying, and she looks sick with her pale skin and dry lips, but she still won't look up at him.

"I know it's hard and I'm sorry he's gone." The words are so insanely difficult for him to say, but he knows they need to be said, Lexi needs him, she doesn't have anyone and he promised to take care of her. "I'm sorry he's gone and I know you miss him. I miss him too, but you have to take care of yourself. You have to take care of the baby." Dean pauses, moving her greasy hair out of her eyes. "Sam would want you to."

All it took was those five words and Lexi throws herself into Dean's arms, practically knocking him backwards. He lets her cry silently in his chest until she calms herself down, and then helps her up off the bed. She pulls out of his arms and walks directly into the bathroom. Dean holds his breath until the water comes on and he hears the shower hooks slide along the metal shower curtain rod.

Dean orders pizza.

When she finally comes out of the bathroom, she's wearing a pair of Sam's boxer shorts and and one of his own black undershirts, he assumes it's because nothing else fits her over her stomach that seems to be growing by the day, but makes no comment about it. Because who makes comments about a woman's increasing waist line? Men who have a death wish, that's who.

She slowly makes her way over to the table, in a fashion Dean knows is considered a "waddle" but makes note not to use that term either. He doesn't have a death wish, not right now at least. She sits down at the table and Dean hands her a slice of pizza on a napkin. She devours it at a rate that astonishes even Dean.

"Told you you were hungry," he teases gently.

Dean's heart about melts when she lets an actual smile spread across her face. "Feels like a hundred years since I've eaten. Longer even. Didn't have pizza in heaven's torture chambers." 

He winces a little bit at the mention of torture, but figures since Lexi makes light of he, he'll let it go. "Well, eat up." He pulls out a second box from the empty chair next to him. "We've got plenty." 

She eats three more pieces, when Dean notices she starts to shift in her chair uncomfortably. "You alright?" 

"Yeah," she answers through a wince and rubs her back. "It's just this chair. My back. I can't sit here anymore." 

"You wanna bring it over to the bed? We can find some Dr. Sexy Marathon on TV or something. Please God, tell me Dr. Sexy is still on TV in the future." 

Lexi starts to laugh as she stands up from the chair, but it dissolves quickly and is replaced by a sharp intake of breath. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Shit," Lexi mutters and they both hear a splash hit the floor.

-

Dean is frantically shoving clothes into random bags, not caring that his underwear ends up in the ammo bag and that his shaving bag gets packed in with Lexi's underwear, but he stops when Lexi calmly peels her wet shorts off and sits down on the bed.

"Uh, Lex? This is one situation that I'm not familiar with, but don't I need to get you to the hospital?"

Breathing in deeply with her eyes closed, Lexi shakes her head. "There isn't time. I've done this before and I know--" She pauses to blow out a breath and make a face that Dean knows he's made himself, but only when he had to yank a bullet from his own arm. "And I know there's not time."

Dean drops the bag in his hand. "You're gonna do this here?" He looks at the comforter she's sitting on and lets himself notice the mystery stains crusted onto the floral patterned blanket. "No. No way, not here. You can't--"

"Dean!" She yells her eyes wide for just a second and then closes them, taking in another deep breath. "I had grace when I got pregnant. I can't-UHHHHH!" She holds a finger up, signalling to Dean that it's going to be a minute before the contraction passes, and she can continue with what she's saying. Every groan she lets out makes Dean nervous as hell. Yes, hell admit it. He's Dean friggen Winchester and he's scared shitless right now. He's killed hundreds of monsters, sewed up countless wounds, some of them his own, but this? This, is freaking him the hell out, but he'll do it and he'll do it well, because he's Dean friggen Winchester.

Lexi's breathing slows down just seconds later and she continues, "I can't have this baby in a hospital! What if she comes out and burns the doctor's and nurses eyes out of their skulls?"

"What about our eyes?" Dean mutters quietly, but Lexi hears him and he swears she growls at him. "Okay, okay. What do I-- I know you said I did this before, but Lex, I don't-I don't know what to do!"

His eyes keep going back to that crusty motel blanket and he runs out to the Impala, pulling that old green blanket out from the floor of the back seat. He knows that it's not very clean, in fact he's sure it hasn't been washed since Sam's seventh birthday, but it's more clean than anything in the motel room. He hustles back into the room and helps Lexi get the blanket under her.

"There, so now what? You gotta walk me through this. I don't have a clue." He bounces on his heels a little bit and wrings his hands.

"For starters, you need to calm the hell down." She laughs breathlessly. "Just, just--GOD! UH FUUUUCK!" She groans when another contraction hits her. Dean stands up to get the towels from the bathroom, silently praying they're actually clean, but Lexi grabs his hand. "If anything happens to me, promise me you'll take care of her! I know you can, I've seen that you can. Just promise me. I don't have a lot of time left!"

"What do you think is gonna to happen to you? You're gonna to be fine. Nothing's going to happen, just breathe. Isn't that what they say on Dr. Sexy? Breathe in through your nose and out--"

"ENOUGH WITH DR. SEXY!" She grabs his shirt and pulls him to her face. "Dean Winchester, you promise me RIGHT NOW! When I'm gone, you'll take care of my baby! You promise me! Please! I don't have--UHHHHHHHH! Less than a year left! I'm not---"

The door is kicked in and sunlight spills into the dark motel room, interrupting Lexi and causing Dean to reach for his gun.

"Hello, Poppet."


	39. Chapter 39

With over three decades to hone and perfect his abilities, Dean Winchester is literally built for times like this. He's strong, he's quick, he's smart, and he's almost never wrong. All these characteristics make him an excellent hunter, but there's one other important facet to Dean Winchester that makes him the man he is: loyalty. He's _fiercely_ loyal to his family and those that he loves, this combination of attributes makes him a lethal force to be reckoned with, and he's got his eyes set on his current target.

Crowley.

With lightening speed, Dean practically vaults across the small motel room, casting his gun aside and gripping tight to the handle of Ruby's knife. And Dean doesn't take time to throw some witty sarcasm Crowley's way, not this time. Crowley's mere presence is a threat to Lexi, who is at her most vulnerable state, laboring on the motel bed and Dean just can't stand for that. He raises the jagged blade in the air and immediately goes in for the kill.

One would think that at the speed in which Dean moves, his mind would be a blur with adrenaline, but it's quite the contrary, actually. It's not that he carefully mulls over every move he makes, because he doesn't, he doesn't need to. In times of crisis, he assess the situation and because he's done this so many times, his body just knows what to do. When there's a threat, it's simple for Dean, easy even.

_Remove the threat._

A fraction of a fraction of a millisecond before he removes the black suit clad threat in the threshold of the door, Dean hears a sound. Something in his brain tells him it doesn't fit into his "remove the threat" routine. That's because it doesn't. It's Lexi's voice.

"DEAN! STOP!" She screams, pulling Dean out of what is instinct to him.

His knife abruptly stops less than a hair's distance from Crowley's stubbly neck and with out taking his eyes from Crowley, he just pauses, not saying anything, waiting for Lexi to explain herself.

"Don't hurt him! Dean! He's MY Crowley!"

Dean can hear the springs of the ancient mattress squeak as Lexi yells at him, letting him know she's trying to get up out of bed. 

"Stay in bed!" Both Crowley and Dean yell at Lexi.

Dean looks at the demon in shock. _Why would he care if Lexi's in bed?_   "He's what? How?" Dean growls more to Crowley than to Lexi, who, now that he's not trying to gut the demon before him, has thankfully given up trying to get out of bed.

"Look at him, Dean! Just look. He's _my_ Crowley! From my time," Lexi insists.

Upon closer inspection, Dean does notice there's something off about the demon. He's got crinkles around his eyes, his beard and hair are sprinkled with more gray than the last time he saw Crowley. He looks different.

"Let him in!" She yells again.

Dean doesn't move to kick away the thick line of salt in front of the door, but he does lower his knife very, very slowly. 

"You heard the girl." Crowley smirks dangerously at the Winchester

"How are you here?" Dean demands in a murderous tone.

Crowley's smirk widens. "If your feathered friend could come back, why can't I? Just came to see our girl, here, and I looks like I couldn't have come at a better time."

A low moan comes from Lexi. "Let him in."

Dean's lip curls into a sneer, a silent warning as if to say, _One toe out of line and you're dead_. He kicks aside the salt line. 

"There's a good squirrel." 

"Crowley!" Lexi warns, knowing Crowley's pet name will only further infuriate Dean. "Stop it."

"What?" Crowley feigns innocence, sauntering proudly across the motel room and kneeling next to Lexi's bed. "I'd forgotten how feral his was back in the old days," he jokes, tossing another smirk Dean's way. 

Dean's not impressed, nor does he trust the demon, but he sits down on the bed next to Lexi, his hand still protectively clenched to the knife. 

"You always were one with a flare for the dramatics, weren't you? You had to kick the door in? You couldn't have knocked or maybe called?" Lexi scolds with a weak grin, wincing in pain from another contraction.

"A demon's got to get his jollies some how, doesn't he?" He winks, teasing Lexi. "Oh, what have you gotten yourself into, love?" Crowley smooths the sweaty hair from Lexi's face, gently. But he doesn't wait for Lexi to answer, he just shifts down to her ear and whispers, "I've brought reinforcements."

Of course, Dean has no idea what that means, but he watches the series of emotions roll across Lexi's face; confusion, shock, and then pure and utter happiness. He follows her eyes back up to the door frame and for a second, his brain shorts out. 

He's in a motel room, not with his brother, his best friend, whom he'll never see again, but with a woman who traveled through time and space, who is his future sister-in-law, who is in the process of bringing his niece into the world. And if that's not weird enough, he's in the motel with a demon, who he isn't killing and is apparently friends with in the future. He's watching this demon, this King of the Crossroads, comfort Lexi, smooth the sweaty hair out of her eyes and off her neck. He's watching this demon smile kindly down on her and he's watching the demon actually make her smile, easing her pain, even if just for a moment. But the icing on the cake, the thing that trumps it all is that Cas is standing in the doorway of their motel room. The Cas he saw "pink mist" over a couple yards of Stull Cemetery. 

Cas is alive. 

"Cas?" Dean asks, confused and dumbfounded. "You-you were purée de Cas! Lucifer, he-I saw him. You were- He...you, but, how?"

"He's my-Cas," Lexi breathes with a sweaty smile on her face. "My-Cas."

"Hello, Dean." Cas addresses Dean with a slight nod of his head.

"Uh, hi, Cas..."

"Cas, it didn't work," Lexi interrupts, writhing on the bed. "I messed it all up." Her pained voice morphs into a pant as she struggles to breathe through quickening contractions. "It's all wrong! He's gone! I couldn't...I didn't---"

"Alexis, now is not the time," Cas says in a soothing voice, taking a seat next to Lexi's bent knees. 

"Cas? Can you angel zap her to the hospital?" Dean asks, even though he desperately wants to hear what Lexi was going to say about his brother.

"There is not time," Cas quickly states, ignoring Lexi's confession. "Sit against the head board," he instructs Dean, while shrugging off his trench coat and tossing it aside. "Alexis, you sit with your back against Dean."

You're gonna deliver the baby, Cas?" Dean asks as he climbs behind Lexi guides her back to lean against his chest.

"The concept is not completely foreign to me, I think I can manage," Cas says plainly, rolling up his wrinkled white cotton sleeves.

Dean and Lexi both look nervously to Crowley, who just lifts his eyebrows and shakes his head. "Don't look at me. Not exactly my department." He smirks and winks. "My resúme doesn't include bringing life into the world. Quite opposite, really.

Dean lets out a low growl and glares at the former-demon, still obviously not impressed with Crowley's jokes or sarcasm. He's had only a handful of encounters with the demon, one involving Lexi trying to sell her soul for Dean's. Dean shot him with the Colt, but it hadn't been a clean shot. Obviously, the demon was still alive and kicking, time traveling with an angel.

Stop it, you two," Lexi chastises through a heavy labored breath, but still having the energy to playfully slap Dean's knee.

Dean watches Lexi breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth while sweat beads dribble down her face and neck. He's never witnessed a woman in labor before, but he can see all the signs; she's fighting to keep her body relaxed, she's trying to ride out the pain, to work with it even. Her hands are tightly gripping his knees and Dean hates this feeling, this feeling of complete uselessness. He has no idea what to do, no idea how to comfort her or ease her pain. He just rubs her shoulders, trying to let her know that's he's there for her. Anything she needs, he's there.

Then he has an idea.

"Can't you just wave your angel hands and get the baby out?"

"No." Cas shakes his head. "Birth is natural, it is sacred, not even I can do anything about that. Alexis has done this before," Cas looks down on Lexi with reassuring eyes. "You can do it again. Just listen to your body, it will tell you what to do."

Feeling Lexi nod her head in agreement against his chest, oddly enough, reassures Dean. If Lexi knows she can do this, if she has faith in herself and faith in Cas, maybe even in Crowley and himself, who is he to think other wise? It doesn't happen very often, but Dean tells himself he just has to have a little faith.

Another agonizing moan comes from Lexi, clearly another contraction is starting, just seconds after the previous one. Her hands move back and forth from Dean's knees to the green blanket it under her, like she can't decide what to do, like nothing is comfortable. Wanting to do something, anything, Dean reaches down and winds his fingers between hers and the blanket and whispers in her ear, "Lex, you can do this. I'm here, we're all here for you. Don't worry about anything."

Lexi nods her head, only half hearing what Dean's saying, but knowing what he means. "Cas, I need to push!"

The demon, the Winchester and the woman in so much pain, watch as the angel uses his heavenly powers to scan her. "Push."

Dean watches astonished and amazed as Lexi practically folds her body in half. Three contractions later and after one last moan that can only described as primal, she lets out a huge sigh of relief and a sea of happy tears. The baby is out and screaming in Cas' arms.

It's a feeling Dean's never felt before. He's watched movies and TV shows, all claiming that witnessing a baby born, is a life changing experience and he never believed it, not once. Sure, the Winchester family motto is _"saving people, hunting things, the family business,"_   but in doing just that, Dean's seen so much death, so much blood, so much pain, but now he's seen life. Actual, real, honest to God, _life_. This screaming pink little baby is life, it's a part of Lexi, it's a part of Sam, it's family.

"It's a boy!" Crowley announces. "It's definitely a boy!"

Lexi sinks into Dean, closes her eyes and lets her body relax while enjoying the sounds of her baby's cries. Dean and Lexi's eyes watch Cas hand her less than a minute old baby boy to Crowley, who wraps him carefully in Dean's leather jacket and then passes him off to Lexi.

"He's a boy?" She asks, slightly delirious and exhausted, tears of joy streaming down her face. "Is he? My grace, is he...did it do anything to him?"

"Your son is perfect, Alexis," Castiel answers with a rare smile.

Dean looks down on Lexi with the tiny baby boy cradled in her arms and how he's feeling in indescribable. There's this little tiny baby boy, a life, in the room with all of them, a life that wasn't there just a minute ago. It's a part of Sam, a part of Lexi. _A Winchester._ And Dean knows there isn't anything in this world that he wouldn't do to keep this new baby boy safe.

Pulling him out of his momentary daze, Lexi turns to him, reaching up to wipe the tears away from Dean's cheeks. "You doin' okay?" He asks and she nods her head, resting it back on Dean's chest. "Thought you said he was a girl?" he teases, wiping Lexi's sweaty forehead with his shirt. "You did good, Lex. You did go--"

Interrupting Dean, a scream suddenly rips itself from Lexi's throat, causing everyone to freeze. Except the baby, the baby boy startles in Lexi's arms and cries right along with Lexi's scream. Crowley is the first to act and gathers the baby boy up from Lexi's arms, cradling him gently in his arms and shushing his cries.

"What? Cas, what's wrong?" Dean yells at Cas, who is, again, angel scanning Lexi with a concerned look on his face.

Quickly the look fades away and he looks up at Lexi and Dean. "There is another."

"WHAT?" Dean and Lexi gasp in unison.

"No. No. No. NO! I can't! I can't have two babies on my own. NO! I can't do this! I need...I need... I NEED SAM!" Another contraction burns through Lexi's body and she fights it, making it even more painful.

Crowley produces a cool wash cloth, as if out of thin air, and hands it to Dean. He wipes Lexi's forehead and lips, telling her, "Just breathe, Lex. You aren't gonna be alone. You can do this. I'm right here. I promise."

Twisting back to look at Dean, she cries, "Sam promised me too! He promised! He's gone and he was SUPPOSED TO COME BACK! Cas was supposed to come back and save Bobby. CAS WAS SUPPOSED TO SAVE SAM! I can't, Dean. I can't!"

With wide eyes, Dean stares at Lexi as a handful of contractions painfully pass. _Sam was supposed to come back? Cas was supposed to save him?_   But Lexi once again pulls him out of his daze by grabbing his hands and squeezing them tightly, her eyes pleading, conveying exhaustion and fear. She needs him.

"Cas, what's wrong? She's runnin' on empty, here!"

After angel scanning Lexi for the third time, Cas answers, "Nothing, the baby will come in a moment."

"I should have told you," Lexi sobs. "I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I should have--" A contraction cuts her off and Lexi pushes with everything she has. She pushes her second baby out into the world and into Cas' hands.

"It's another boy!" Crowley almost shrieks with joy.

Watching Lexi smile down on her baby boys, watching the tears fall down her face, Dean can tell she's exhausted, shocked, yet relieved, but it's very clear she's still devastated that Sam's not there. They both are.

"I have no idea what to do with boys," she smiles with more tears as Crowley hands her the leather swaddled baby boys.

"Boys are a handful." Dean laughs. "I'd know."

"All is as it should be," Cas announces after angel scanning Lexi and the boys. "Also, I have healed your wounds." He motions to her bent knees. "There will be a slight discomfort for a while, but it will pass. We must go, but we will be right back."

Right in front of their eyes, the angel and demon are gone.

"Where do you think they went?" Dean asks, still unable to believe what has happened, but Lexi doesn't answer.

She's too busy looking at her sons, touching their faces with careful fingers, smoothing their dark brown patches of hair on top of their heads. Dean watches her do this and braves a small touch of their delicate little faces as well. He desperately wants to ask Lexi what she meant before, about how Sam was supposed to come back, how Cas was supposed to come back and bring his brother and Bobby with him, but Dean knows it can wait. It needs to wait. Now is not the time.

"I can't believe there's two of them," Lexi murmurs, still not taking her eyes off the boys.

"You really had no idea?" Dean wonders.

"No," she laughs, shaking her head. "I didn't really have time to think about it. I woke up in Lawrence, came here with you and then everything happened. I just can't believe there's two of them. Two boys."

Dean can't believe it either. Sure, he noticed that Lexi's waistline had expanded over the past few days, but he's never been around pregnant women. He didn't know the signs. If she didn't know, how would he?

He watches the boys nuzzle Lexi and even though he'd swear he doesn't know the first thing about newborns, he knows what they're doing. They're hungry. With out a word, Dean stands up, gently, from behind Lexi, packing all the pillows they have behind her and covers her with one of his clean flannel shirts. He watches her maneuver the babies, under the concealment of his own shirt and he can't help but smile. 

"How you doing? Do you need anything?" He asks.

Lexi lets out a sigh, but it's followed by a smile. "Water. Lots of water, please."

Dean finds a few bottles of water in the mini fridge. He pours them into a plastic cup, adds a straw and puts it to Lexi's lips. She drinks the water down greedily and Dean takes a seat next to her. Before he can say anything, there is a ruffle of feathers, Cas is back with Crowley at his side. They both have dozens of shopping bags in their hands, over flowing with an assortment of baby type things.

"This is everything you will need for some time," Cas announces, setting down the bags.  
  
"The port-a..." Crowley starts, but then stops, clearly confused by the term.  
  
"Port-a-crib. The man at the store called it a port-a-crib," Cas confirms with a nod of his head.  
  
"Yes, the port-a-crib will be here in a few hours, but we have to go," Crowley admits, sorrowfully.

"You have to go? Why?" Lexi cries out, startling the nursing babies, hidden beneath the soft gray flannel shirt.

"The spell was only for an hour," Cas starts. "Crowley and I used the last of our combined powers to come here. When we return home, we will be completely human."

Lexi looks to Crowley for confirmation and he nods his head, "I'm afraid we only have moments left, love."

Cas walks to the side of Lexi's bed and touches the boys through their flannel covering, "They'll be good and strong boys, just like they're father and uncle." He looks to Dean and give him a slight nod and then kisses the side of Lexi's head. "We must go," Cas adds before leaving Lexi's side.

Crowley takes his turn to say good bye and kneels, once again, at Lexi's side. Carefully he wraps his arms around her, but Dean notices that the hug only lasts a second, Crowley pulls away quickly. He looks her up and down. "You didn't?" His face and his tone showing shock.

Cas squints curiously and Dean's head snaps up. "You didn't, what, Lex?" Dean demands, "What did you do?"

Dean watches as Lexi's eyes fill with tears, but they're not happy tears, that much is quite clear. She bows her head and takes a moment to collect herself. "I made a deal. With Crowley, the one from here." Her eyes shamefully flick up to Dean and then she quickly casts them downward again.

"WHAT?" Dean and Cas exclaim at the same time.

"I made a deal. Zachariah wiped your and Sam's memories. He didn't know who I was, you wouldn't have known who I was. Sam was headed down the same path and I couldn't let it happen again. I summoned now-Crowley and..." Lexi's voice trails off, but she doesn't need to continue, they all know the rest of the story. "It doesn't matter, it all happened anyway..."

"You have to do something!" Dean shouts to Crowley, "She can't...NO! Not her too! That's what you meant, Lex? When you said you had less than a year...NO! Crowley, you fix this! Fix it NOW!"

Crowley smooths Lexi's hair and brushes his thumb across her cheek, tenderly. "You're lucky I'd do anything for you." He chastely presses his lips to Lexi's just for a second and then pulls away. "Your soul is your own, poppet."

Dean can't actually see it, but when Crowley pulls away from Lexi, it's like a weight is lifted off of her shoulders. She smiles up at the demon. "I'm going to miss you most of all."

"You and the boys can come home with us, if you'd like. You can come home," Crowley says as he stands up from the floor, holding out a hand to her, almost begging her to come with them.

Crowley's words are like a bullet to Dean. If Lexi goes back, he'll have no one. Bobby, Cas, Sam, they're all gone and now Lexi? Dean looks away, he doesn't want Lexi to see his face.

"No," Lexi whispers, reaching for Dean's hand. "I need to stay. I want to stay here. I can't go with you. That's not my home anymore. I'm so sorry."

"We thought as much." Crowley smirks, taking his place next to Cas. "There's just one more thing." He winks at Lexi. "Were able to bring back Bobby and the Cas from this time, but this-Cas is completely human. We were unable to locate his grace. I know you know what this means, and we're so sorry. The future will not play out as it once did. Human Cas will not be able to save Sam. We're so sorry. We tried, you must know, poppet, we tried everything." Crowley's eyes well with tears.

"We must go," Castiel interrupts and before either Lexi or Dean can say anything, the angel and demon are gone.

As if the babies can feel the pain and anguish in the motel room, they start to cry against their mother's heaving chest.

"I'm so sorry, Dean," Lexi cries as Dean wraps his arms around her. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I wanted to tell you, I swear---"

"It's going to be okay, Lex. I promise." Dean shushes her sobs. "It's going to be okay."

"You should go to Bobby's," Lexi whispers against Dean's shoulder.

He shakes his head. "I'll call him in a little while. I'm not going anywhere."

A knock on the motel door, startles the four of them and Dean stands up from the bed with his knife held tightly in his hand. He peeks through the dusty curtain over the window and lets out a sigh. "It's the delivery guy. The port-a...thing..."

*//*

Two hours later, Bobby has been called and has assured both Lexi and Dean that he and Cas are alright. Like always, Bobby promised Dean that if he needed anything, Bobby is just a phone call away.

After minimal fighting with the instructions, the port-a-crib is assembled, and Dean and Lexi sit, just staring down at the sleeping baby boys, curled up around each other in their new bed. Baby boy number one has a blue hat on his head and baby boy number two has a green hat. Dean suspects Lexi put them on their tiny heads because she can't tell them apart, but he'd never say it aloud. He can't either.

"You should get some sleep, you're probably exhausted." Dean whispers, gently nudging Lexi's shoulder.

"Too tired to sleep," she shakes her head. "Besides, they still need names. Suggestions?"

"You go first."

Lexi carefully picks up baby boy number one and snuggles him to her chest. She kisses the top of his head. "Samuel Robert Winchester, after his father and grandpa."

Dean tearfully nods his head and gathers up baby boy number two. "Alexander? After Alex?" He watches Lexi hesitate. "If it's--"

"It's perfect," she interrupts with a sad smile. "Alexander Dean Winchester."

"Sam and Alex. Good strong names."

"Just like their father and uncle," Lexi echoes Cas' words from earlier.

-

The first night with the boys isn't so bad. They wake up four times and Dean brings them to Lexi, who changes them, nurses them and they promptly fall back to sleep. Dean brings them back to the port-a-crib and collapses on his own bed, exhausted.

Everyone sleeps for a few hours.

At seven AM, Lexi wakes up to the boys, crying. Dean doesn't even flinch.

She carefully stands up from the bed, still sore, and brings the babies one by one back to her bed, chucking softly at Dean the whole time. He could do research and drive for a case for hours on end, but twelve hours with two baby boys wore him out.

-

The second night, Dean and Lexi sit side by side on Lexi's bed, each with a baby in their arms. They lean up against the head board and just stare at the two babies. They watch their faces twitch and wiggle as they dream their little baby dreams. They touch their soft brown hair and smile when the babies wrap their tiny hands around their fingers.

"This is gonna be okay, Lex. We'll make this work," Dean whispers after awhile, but Lexi doesn't answer. She's fast asleep.

With a smile on his face that he thought he'd never have again, Dean carefully brings Alex to the crib, then comes back for baby Sam, and puts him down next to his brother. He smiles at how they curl around each other, how they fit perfectly right next to each other. As an after thought, he digs in Lexi's bag and pulls out the blue blanket the nurse knitted for her when she was in the hospital. The bright blue wool is soft against his hands and he gently covers the sleeping babies with the blanket.

"How?" Lexi whispers.

Surprising even himself, Dean doesn't go into his own bed, he sits down next to Lexi and pulls her to him. "We just will."

Lexi falls back to sleep almost immediately against his chest, but Dean stays awake and watches vigilantly over his family. Protecting the ones he loves has been ingrained in his mind and soul ever since he can remember. It's his job and he'll do it. He'll do it well.

Dean knows he's still so broken inside. His grief for Sam is painful beyond all words, but having Lexi there with him, it helps. It's comforting to him and he's sure it's the same for her. Separate, they're both alone, but together, they bring each other comfort. They're all each other has.

Promise to Sam or not, Dean knows he's not going anywhere.


	40. Chapter 40

It's been almost two months since the boys were born, and Lexi and Dean have fallen into a rhythm in a way that Dean never expected them to. Alex and baby Sam aren't the first newborns that Dean's been around. He may have only been four when his brother was born, and maybe even Dean himself thought he'd forgotten how to hold a baby or change a diaper, but as soon as those two baby boys entered the world, Dean knew what he had to do; what he _wanted_ to do.

At first, Dean threw himself into unclehood because it took his mind off his painful new life without his brother. After that first night, he made sure he was up with every midnight feeding, every gassy tummy, and every night time story book. Sure Dean read from Popular Mechanics, while Lexi read from the bedtime story books Cas and Crowley brought the boys, but in the beginning, he did it to shove all those painful feelings aside. Being an uncle gave him something to focus on, something to take his mind off of loss and devastation, something to distract him from the ache he just couldn't escape.

But then something changed in Dean's heart, he didn't want to do all those things with the boys just to distract himself, he didn't want to get up for midnight feedings because it was the only way to hide from the never ending string of nightmares. Something changed and Dean didn't even realize it had happened. One day he got up with the boys and took care of them, took care of Lexi, because he _wanted_ to. After a little while, helping Lexi with the boys didn't distract him from the ache in his chest, it made it feel better. Of course, the ache for his brother would never fully go away, but the new situation Dean found himself living in, was oddly comforting for him.

There have been times, though, that the ache in Dean's chest for Sam, would seize up inside his heart and cause a pain like he'd never felt in his life, and just when he thought it was going to swallow him whole, one of two things happened. Most times it had been one of the boys who looked up at Dean, with eyes borrowed from their father, and it made his heart swell in ways that even the Grinch would envy. Those boys touched a place inside Dean's heart that he didn't even know he had, and while it didn't take the ache for his brother away, it helped. It helped so much.

Or, when Dean felt at his darkest, when he felt like he couldn't possibly take another step or live another day, it was like Lexi just knew. He didn't understand it, because her grace was gone, but at the instant Dean felt like he couldn't breathe, when his lungs burned for something not even oxygen could extinguish, Lexi was right there. She always found some way to grab his hand, or touch his shoulder, or say the exact words he didn't even know he needed to hear.

Every. Single. Time.

He's tried like hell to do the same for Lexi, tried to be there for her in the ways she was for him, because it was obvious she was falling apart at the seams too. Dean tried to keep her together, not only for her sanity, but for his too. He knew it was selfish, but if he lost Lexi too, he knew he'd die. He just knew it, deep down in his bones, in his gut, in his heart, in his everything; he'd die. So he's just watched Lexi and tried to read her the way she read him. It didn't happen very often that Lexi fell apart, but when she did, Dean made sure he was right there to catch the pieces.

-

Today marks Dean's sixth week at the garage in town and he's ready to lose his mind. Apparently he'd hustled pool and darts one too many times in this little town, and beat the wrong guy. Al was his name, and he's just left the garage after having recognized Dean, and let his boss, Dave, know what kind of a cheating asshole he's got working in him. Dean didn't know it until his Dave told him, but Al's brother is the mayor and just like that, Dean's out of a job.

Dave had been a good guy and paid him through the rest of the week, even though Dean tried to refuse. Dave also went on to praise Dean on his knowledge and work ethic, going on to tell Dean that he had hoped to hire him on full time, but his business couldn't take the hit he knew would come, once Al blabbed everything around town. The two men shook hands and Dean was sent on his way with a handwritten letter of reference.

Dean's sitting in the Impala folding and unfolding the blue BIC scrawled letter of reference. He's never had a letter of reference before, not one with the name Dean Winchester on it and not one without it. For a second, he considers crumpling it up in a ball and tossing it out the window, but he carefully places it in the glove box, then pulls the shifter down into drive, and doesn't stop until he's fifty miles out of town.

The Impala idles on the side of the road until Dean can breathe easily, and until he doesn't see any vehicles coming from either direction on the two lane highway, the only highway going in or coming out of the town. He throws the car door open, gets out, and then slams it shut behind him. When he stomps around the back of his precious Baby, he smells earth and pine and _outside_ , it calms him, but not as much as the bottle of Scotch he knows is hidden in the trunk will calm him.

Almost with a smile, Dean brings the bottle to his mouth, but stops before the Scotch touches his lips.

_Lex._

How is he going to go back to the motel room with Lexi and the boys there, after he finishes this Scotch? She's probably climbing the walls, covered in spit up and surrounded by the day's dirty diapers. She's broken too and Dean promised to take care of her, all three of them. If she can hold it together just enough to get by, so can he.

Calmly he twists the lid back on the bottle of Scotch and hurls it into the woods, feeling an odd sense of accomplishment when he hears the glass shatter. Without thinking, he pulls out his phone and calls the first number he can think of.

"Dean?" Bobby's voice comes through the phone clear as day.

"Yeah, it's me. How ya doin'?" Dean asks, while he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Me? Could complain, but I won't. How's Lexi? How's those boys? Cas and I been meanin'---"

"Bobby we gotta get the hell outta here. The shop fired me today. I got $300 in my pocket and I just... _We_ just... We just gotta go. Those boys can't grow up in motel rooms. If they take their first steps on crusty burnt orange carpet like... I can't do to them what dad did to us. I just can't. And Lex...God, Lex doesn't deserve this. She deserves...Man, I don't fuckin' know, Bobby. She deserves..."

"Everything," Bobby promptly produces the word Dean's searching for.

Bobby knows that feeling, that feeling like you want to give someone the world, and you'd cut out your own damn heart to give it to them. He hasn't felt that way since Karen was alive, but he's familiar with it.

"Yeah. She does. And I don't... I don't know how..."

Bobby lets out a groan-slash-sigh-slash-smile (the smile he keeps to himself). "You love her, don't you?"

Bobby's put two and two together over the past month or so. Dean's called and babbled endlessly about diapers and bottles and umbilical cord stumps. He's bitched about how every shirt he owns smells like spit up, no matter how many trips he's taken to the laundromat. He's talked about all those things, but it's when he talks about Lexi that Bobby can hear something different in Dean's voice, something Bobby remembers in his own voice, once upon a time.

Dean may not be head-over-heels-high-school-sweetheart-wear-each-others-class-ring-all-neat-and-tied-up, kind of in love with Lexi, but Bobby knows for a fact Dean loves her. Like one of those Nicholas Sparks books Bobby most definitely does NOT have hidden in the false bottom of his third desk drawer; the story where the most unlikely two people fall in love, and it's hard and it's messy and it hurts, but it's undeniable. That's the kind of love Dean feels for Lexi. It's unexpected and it crept up out of nowhere, but it's there.

"What? No!" Dean squeaks, like a teenager. "I mean, sure." His voice going back to normal. Some what normal. "But not what. Not how you mean... She's Sammy's." He freezes at Sam's name. Of course he's said the name, since Sam's been gone, but this time it's different. It's so different. "I can't. Bobby, no."

"Dean," Bobby sighs again. "It's okay. You can. If you do, it's okay. You're all she---"

"No," Dean growls and shakes his head while kicking rocks across the empty highway. "Just, no," he repeats, not knowing if he's trying to convince himself or if he's trying to convince Bobby. Either way, it's not working. "Bobby? How can I? No. I can't."

"But you do. You love her." Bobby doesn't ask this time. He knows and he's telling Dean. Telling one of the best damn hunters he's ever known, how they're feeling.

"Yeah." He finally admits something he's known for weeks. "Son of a bitch..."

Dean fights the bile doing everything to force itself out of his stomach. He hates himself right now, more than he's ever hated himself, and that's saying something. He wishes like fucking hell he had that bottle of Scotch. If he could move his legs he'd walk down the damn ditch and suck it up off the ground. _God, I'm fucked up_.

"I know we don't talk about our feelings. Hell, I don't even admit to havin' the God forsaken things, but I do know that Sa--" Bobby clears his throat after his voice cracks and it's still hoarse. " _He_ would want her taken care of, he'd want you taken care of and those boys... You were everything to him. She was everything to him. But if you do this, you have to do it. And I know you will, but she's lost so damn much already. I don't think... No, I _know_ she can't lose anyone else. Just think on it, boy. It's okay if you love her, but you gotta be prepared for if she don't--"

"I know. God, I know." Dean hangs his head, letting his chin rest against his chest as he realizes his current worst fear.

He might have just admitted he loves Lexi, but that doesn't mean Lexi feels the same way about him. She might not be on the same page as him, hell, even the same book, or in the same damn library.

"Well, I got an old cabin 'bout an hour's drive from here." Bobby changes the subject. "It's not much, but you're a handy son of a gun. I'll take a drive out there tonight. Clean the place up for the four of you. Meet you out there this weekend? Me n'Cas can't wait to see those rugrats." Dean can hear the smile on Bobby's face and it's contagious.

"How's he doin' by the way, Cas, I mean?" Dean wonders, glad for the change in topic.

"Well... He stayed up for 'bout three days straight, not knowin' he had to sleep. Then crashed for a day or so. Right now..." Bobby sighs and then laughs, "Right now he's eating, that's really all he does now. Eat and sleep. Pro'lly makin' up for lost time, I suppose. We're doin' alright. We'll see ya soon, kay?"

"Thanks, Bobby."

"One more thing," Bobby adds quickly before the call ends.

"Yes, Dr. Phil?" Dean jokes.

"I know you've wanted some sort of normal your whole life. Ya may've thought you just wanted it for Sam, maybe for the both of you, I don't know, but this? This is probably the closest a hunter'll ever get to normal. She _knows_ , Dean. She knows the life, she knows the risks, and how it runs hot in your veins. Ya ain't gonna get nothin' better'n that. She knows the family secret, boy. She's lived it."

It's at this moment Dean appreciates Bobby more than he has probably his whole life. Bobby knows exactly how Dean feels about Alex and baby Sam because Bobby feels the same way about Dean and his brother. Sam and Dean were never technically Bobby's, but he loved them like they were and that's how Dean feels about Lexi's boys.

"See ya this weekend. And thanks, Bobby." Dean chokes down a sob and gets back into the Impala.

"Anytime."

-

When Dean gets back to the motel room, the boys are snuggled around each other in the port-crib, and Lexi is sprawled out on the bed, flat on her stomach.

Dean leans against the wall and just watches her, like he has a million times over the last couple months. She looks so peaceful, so content and it grabs at Dean right _there_ , right in his gut, and he wants more than anything to be able to make that feeling of peace and comfort permanent for her. Bobby was right (of course he was, the old bastard) Dean loves her. He really does.

He closes his eyes and tries to pinpoint the exact second his love for Lexi moved from the platonic-future-brother-in-law sort of way, to _this_. Sure, those two squirming pink skinned baby boys sealed his fate and stole his heart, but it was when Crowley announced Lexi's deal, he knows that now. He remembers the way his heart dropped at the thought of another person in his life going to hell, another person in his life leaving him behind, leaving him all alone. Dean knows it was then that he loved her, in a way he's still not convinced is allowed. But what cemented it all, was when Lexi had the choice to go back to her time and chose to stay with him. She grabbed his hand and said she couldn't go, not now. She chose him.

Dean does something, leaning up against the motel wall and watching Lexi sleep, that he's really never done in his entire life, not seriously anyhow. He wracks his brain for clues and hints that maybe Lexi feels the same way.

Sure, they've slept in the same bed since the night after the babies came, but they just slept. Well, more like fell into an exhausted spit-up smelling unconsciousness within the same vicinity of each other. And sometimes he'd wake up with Lexi wrapped in his arms, but he didn't seek her out in the night, nor did she reach for him, they just sort of gravitated to each other. Both war victims just trying to get through the aftermath. _Right?_

Dean's thoughts are cut short when Lexi whines in her sleep. She grips onto the comforter and sobs into the mattress. Dean doesn't think, he just acts and rushes across the room to crouch down at Lexi's side.

"Hey, Lex. It's okay." He keeps his voice calm and soothing, in spite of the ache in his chest. "You're dreaming. You're safe." He smooths her hair and her eyes flutter open.

"Dean?" She murmurs, looking up at him.

"Yeah, Lex. I'm here. You okay?" He hesitantly sits down on the bed, feeling almost nervous. (another first for Dean Winchester) She doesn't answer she just leans over and lays her head on his chest. "You been sleeping long?" He asks, smoothing her hair out of her face.

"Don't know. What time is it?" She murmurs with a sleepy voice.

"'Bout twelve thirty."

"You home for lunch?" She sits up and looks at him.

 _Home._ This isn't a home, it's a motel room, a shitty one at that. He has to get them out of this. Right fucking now. "Uh, well. The job at the shop didn't go as planned," he answers honestly.

"Oh." She answers easily, but then it sinks in and she sits straight up on the bed, "Is anything wrong? Did you have to leave for a case? Are you leaving?" Her questions fire off in rapid succession, and her wide eyes shift between her shaking hands and the port-a-crib. Dean can feel her heart race as she panics, she thinks he's going to leave her.

"No. Lex, hey." He lifts her chin up so he can look into her eyes. "I'm not leaving. I promised." She looks away, back to the boys again.

"I can get a job. The diner's got a help wanted sign in the window. I can--"

"You don't have to. No, Lex. I mean if you want to, sure, but you don't have to. I got it covered. Bobby's got a place for us. He says it's about an hour from him. An old---"

"The hunting cabin?" She finally relaxes, just an ounce, but it's enough, and she smiles and _God_ , Dean wants to live there. He wants to breathe in it, kiss it and never let it go. He's so screwed.

"You know about the hunting cabin? You've been there?" He smirks and shakes his head, knowing he shouldn't be surprised, not after everything, but even still, he is. After all this time.

"No. Just know 'bout it." She smiles that smile again and it tugs at Dean's heart. It makes him want to die, all in good ways, but then he thinks of Sam, and he wants to die all over again, and not in the good way.

Frustrated with himself and their situation; the motel, the job at the shop, the way he feels about Lexi, everything, he sighs, closes his eyes and rests his head back on the head board. He feels like the biggest asshole in the world, falling for his brother's wife. _Who does that? Assholes. That's who._

Then it's as if Lexi still has that grace swimming around inside her, and she lifts her hand, resting it softy right over the top of his heart. Immediately, Dean feels himself calm. When he opens his eyes, Lexi's _right there,_ in his face, and he can smell her, he can feel her breath on his face, and without his permission, his tongue licks out over his lips, hoping for a the faintest trace of _something_. They both lean in at the exact same time, two sets of eyes wide, blue staring into green, two sets of lips, just a breath's distance apart...

Then the babies cry.

*//*

It's been two months since the babies were born, two months since Lexi's life was changed forever (for the millionth time), but she doesn't let herself think about that. She knows if she does, the darkness will swallow her again, and she's sure she won't ever escape.

Lexi had a hard time in the beginning, she quietly suspected it had a little to with a possible case of the Baby Blues (in addition to everything else that had happened), but Dean had always been there to keep her from falling apart. There were times that a memory would flash in her mind, and it would stop her cold in her tracks, crumbling the pieces of her already broken heart, and it seemed like Dean was always there to hold her together when her she thought everything was falling apart. He always seemed to say the right thing, always seemed to know when she needed some sort of reassurance or when she needed to be pulled out of her head.

She's felt weak and she's felt guilty, but she'd held it together for her boys, for Dean. It wasn't very often the Dean fell apart, but when he did, Lexi tried to comfort him the way he did for her. She's tried to watch him, tried to make sure he didn't get lost in the bottom of a bottle, or lost in himself. She's done this for him, sure, but it'd been for her too. She knew this whole time that she wouldn't make it without Dean, she wouldn't survive if she lost someone else. There was just no way.

Living with Dean, even if it had been in a shabby old motel room, reminded Lexi of when her and Dean shared the apartment after the fire. He had taken care of her, helped her when she couldn't do things on her own, he was just always there and it was comforting to her. Even with all the grief and loss and sadness, layers of this-Dean had been starting to chip away, and everyday Lexi found herself living with a version of Dean that reminded her of the Dean from home.

Dean has been great with the boys, sometimes even better than Lexi. He'd woken up with them, he changed diapers, and held them close when they cried, hummed them classic rock songs, twisted into little versions of lullabies, but he had done so much more than that.

Lexi and Dean had always been close. He'd always been there in times past, in this life and the one before it, and that certainly hadn't changed, but other things had definitely begun to change. At first, Lexi couldn't put her finger on it, but it was like she was seeing a new side of Dean, seeing him in a whole new way. He held her when she cried, reassured her when she felt like she couldn't go on for even another minute. He just made things better, he made Lexi feel like she really could do this, like they could really do it together.

Ever since the night that Dean had put the boys in their bed and climbed in bed with Lexi, things had been different, she knows that now. It wasn't like when he came to stay with her after he'd come back from hell, and it wasn't like when Dean had kissed her that day on the river, it was something else. And as much as Lexi tried to ignore it, tried to move to the other side of the bed when she woke up in the middle of the night, wrapped in Dean's arms, she always ended up right back there in the morning. For the past two months, she'd always woken up with her head on Dean's shoulder, her face pressed into his chest, and their arms and legs tangled together. As comforting as it was to have Dean by her side, to wake her up from horrible nightmares with the steady thump-thump of his heart to ground her and keep her from going crazy, there was something else there and Lexi knew it.

For weeks she felt guilty, felt like she was betraying Sam by having feelings for Dean, for Sam's own brother, for her own brother-in-law, and even though she tried to ignore it, tried push it away and pretend like it wasn't there, she knew it was. She loved Dean, and not the way she did two two months ago, she really loved him. Sometimes when she thought about it, she disgusted herself, hated herself even. After all, she'd come back to the past to save her husband, not fall in love with her brother-in-law.

But she had. She was in love with Dean and there was no denying it.

The day that Dean lost his job at the auto shop, he'd woken her up from a nightmare, and it hadn't been his words that brought her out of her dreams, it had been his touch. and his smell, it had been _Dean_ that made it all go away.

He had smiled at her when she mentioned the hunting cabin, looked at her like even after all this time it still surprised him she was from the future, and as much as she hated herself for it, the smile melted her heart. Dean's smile went all the way up to his twinkling green eyes, and Lexi wished she could do what ever she did to elicit such a smile from Dean, a million times over. She wanted that smile to never go away, she wished she could take his pain away and carry it all herself, right along side her own - anything that would make Dean feel better, she would do it. She _wanted_ to do it.

Then right before her eyes, the smile had disappeared, and Dean let out this sigh, this pained noise that about killed Lexi. All the guilt she felt for Sam, for all the pain she caused Dean, it rushed through her like a tidal wave, and it was instinctual for her to reach out and press her hand into his chest. She needed to feel his heart beat, she needed to feel like he was still there, and that she wasn't alone, but then Dean had opened his eyes, and his face was right there, right in hers and she felt this pull, this need to be closer to him.

At the time, she'd been thankful that the boys cried at that exact moment, stopping her and Dean from kissing, but now three days later when she's standing with Dean in front of Bobby's little cabin, that missed opportunity is all she can think about.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in 2014, Cas and Crowley explained to Lexi that the moment she set foot in 2007, everything would change. They warned her that by going back, she'd change her fate, she'd change everyone's fate. They warned her that HER 2014 would never happen, not exactly. Things would be different; big things, little things, EVERYTHING would change. 
> 
> And it has.

The almost kiss between Lexi and Dean, happened on a Wednesday afternoon. Their lips had been so close, their pounding hearts had been pressed together, beating frantically at the same speed, and just as their lips barely brushed, the boys woke up and started to cry.

Dean watched as Lexi hung her head, listened as she let out a deep sigh, and a noise that had almost sounded like a small shocked laugh. He watched with wide eyes when she pushed herself up off the bed, and walked over to the boys' port-a-crib. And just like that the moment was over.

It wasn't discussed that day, or even that evening.

After the boys were nestled side by side in their bed, after their midnight feeding, and Lexi was in the shower, Dean found himself wondering if he should take the other bed. He found himself wondering if maybe Lexi didn't feel the same way he did, maybe she didn't want him the way he found himself wanting her, but then as he sat in the silence of the motel room, his thoughts took a much darker turn.

He remembered how much he hated himself for his feelings toward Lexi. He remembered how, in some other life, she was Dean's little brother's wife, the mother of his brother's children, and the love of Sam's life. She came back to save Sam, and now she was living with Dean. In that moment, he thought of himself as a consolation prize and a shitty, piss poor one at that, not worthy of any sort of love, especially Lexi's.

"I saved you some hot water, if you want to take a shower," Lexi said with a tiny smile after she came out of the bathroom, towel drying her hair, and clothed in one of Sam's plaid shirts.

"You never save me any hot water," Dean answered back, returning Lexi's smile. He was thankful for her tiny gesture, and how it pulled him away from his dark thoughts, but they never left, not completely. His own smile was forced, and he was sure Lexi could tell, but he did what he could, and it was easier simply because she was there. "I showered this morning and since the day was cut short, I didn't really get dirty, so I'm good."

"Okay." Lexi shrugged as she sat down on the bed with her brush and brushed out her long wet hair.

Dean noticed she winced when she pulled on a couple of snarls. "Hair's gettin' long." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

"Was thinking about cutting it. You keep rolling over on it." She grinned up at him and rolled her eyes playfully.

The skin around his eyes crinkled just a little bit when he chuckled softly. He took a drink of his beer, but didn't say anything, he just watched Lexi as she finished brushing her hair. She set the brush on the end table, shut off the lamp, and wiggled down under the covers, letting out a sad sigh when she relaxed against the pillow. Just as her eyes closed, Dean finished his beer and opened up another one. Silently he drank his beer and once again, eyed the second bed, while his dark thoughts made their way back into his mind.

About fifteen minutes and three-quarters of a beer later, Lexi slowly sat up on the bed and looked at him. She whispered softly, "You coming to bed?"

At that moment Dean was glad it was almost dark in the room, because he smiled around his mouthful of beer, feeling a little bit relieved. "Yeah, I'll be there in minute."

Abandoning the last few sips of his beer, Dean stood up from the table and took off his jeans and his top layer shirt, draping them over the back of a chair. He dug in his bag for a pair of pajama pants and pulled them up over his boxers.

Walking past the sleeping boys, he paused to look down on them, smiling just a little bit, and taking a minute to smooth Alex and Sam's chestnut hair, then he climbed into bed. Lexi immediately rolled over and buried her face into his black tee shirt covered chest, and he allowed himself to breathe in the clean floral rain smell of her wet hair, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"Sit up for a sec," Dean whispered in the dark.

"Hmm?" Lexi wondered aloud as she sat up next to him.

Dean didn't answer her, he just smoothed her still damp hair with his hands, and twisted it carefully into a loose braid. "There." He let the long braid fall down her back and felt her shiver under his hands, wondering if the shiver was from his own hands. "Now I won't roll over on it."

"Thanks," she murmured, gently touching her newly plaited hair.

"Betchya didn't think I could do that." Dean chuckled softly as he rested back down onto his pillow.

"Actually, I did." Lexi looked down on him in the dark and their eyes met. "You used to braid Alex's hair all the time." She snuggled back into Dean's arms, and pulled the blankets back up over them.

The thought of him braiding a little girl's hair made Dean chuckle again. "Night, Lex."

"Night, Dean."

-

The almost kiss wasn't discussed on Thursday or Friday, and it wasn't discussed on Saturday during the painfully quiet drive to Bobby's cabin.

-

On this warm July afternoon, the breeze blows the overgrown grass and tall trees in such a way that they move in time with each other. The gentle rustle of leaves adds to the melody the song birds, high up in the sky, happily sing, and the purr of the idling Impala brings it all together into one euphonious symphony. Dean stands in the middle of it, watching Lexi and Bobby walk arm in arm into the tiny secluded cabin.

It's not what Dean pictured. He's not exactly sure what he pictured, but this isn't it. _This_ is much better. The cabin looks old, but in a good way; the clapboard siding a little faded from time and maybe from a handful of harsh South Dakota winters, yet the cabin's aged charm gives it a homey feeling that Dean's never really been familiar with.

After turning the key backwards and ending his baby's purr, Dean loads up the baby filled car seats in each of his hands, and follows Lexi and Bobby's path through threshold of the front entrance to the cabin. Once inside, he just looks.

"The window frames have salt built right into them," Bobby explains proudly, grinning at Lexi. "There's a devil's trap painted under the floor boards in front of both the front and back doors, and there are sigils all over the house. Just added all that yesterday. Got this place warded to the nines."

While Bobby explains other features of the cabin, Dean only half listens. He sees that there's hardwood floors, worn smooth and shiny. There's an old couch next to a recliner and a coffee table, all on top of a huge braided rug. In one corner, there's a a huge gun cabinet with a lock on it, and in the other corner is a small TV with an antenna attached, a VCR with a handful of VHS tapes stacked neatly next to the TV stand, and next to that is a stereo; turn table on the top, covered with a plastic case, the receiver on a shelf below that, the double tape deck on the next shelf, a row of records on the bottom shelf, and a part of Dean can't wait to check that out. Behind everything, is a huge picture window looking out at the back yard; a truly stunning view, in Dean's opinion.

Changing his line of sight, Dean sees to his left, a typical oven, stove, fridge (all a shade of avocado green that only the 1970's could have produced), a sink, formica counter tops, wooden cupboards, a pantry, and a small kitchen table and chairs.

"Bathroom is that way," Bobby says as he points to their right. "And the master bedroom is over there," He adds with a nod to a closed door just off the kitchen. "And over here..." Bobby leads Lexi to a room off the other side of the kitchen. "...is a special surprise."

Just as Bobby opens the door to the surprise room, Dean walks up behind them, and at exactly the same minute, both he and Lexi see the room. Bobby told Dean about this room a few days ago, so Dean's not looking at it, he's watching Lexi's reaction.

The walls are painted a pale blue with the same colored curtains over the window. Along one wall is a maple wooden crib with mismatched blue, green, and yellow bedding, and Dean notices there's a handful of protection symbols carved right into the wood. Next to the crib is a changing table, a dresser, a rocking chair, and on the opposite wall is a double bed with a handful of stuffed animals lined up against the pillow.

"There's only the two bedrooms, so I had to put the second bed in here. The crib and both beds are second hand, but the mattresses are from my house, and I bought the crib mattress brand new. The mattresses from my house might be a little dusty, but they're clean. And I didn't know what all you had for the boys, but I picked up a few things, diapers and such. The lady at the grocery store looked at me like I had three heads, buying diapers at pork rinds, but I grabbed a couple boxes. Hope they work." Lexi doesn't answer, her face contorted in pleasant shock, but Bobby smiles, and pulls her into a hug. "You guys have a look around, I'm gonna fire up that grill, I'm starving."

The boys are sleeping in their car seats, so after Bobby walks out of the nursery, Dean carefully sets them down on the floor, and steps to Lexi's side.

"This gonna work?" Dean asks with a smile, but it quickly fades when he sees that the look on Lexi's face has changed from pleasant shock, to panic.

Lexi doesn't answer Dean, she leaves his side, and walks over to the rocking chair, her fingers trailing over the smooth wooden surface of the crib, and then they fall to the soft brown fabric of the double bed's quilt. Tears fall down her pink cheeks when she picks up zebra stuffed animal and holds it in her hands. For just a second, Dean watches as she smooths the zebra's yarn hair to the side, flattening the frizzy orange mane, and then he sits down on the bed next to her.

"Lex? Hey, it's okay. Shhh. Don't cry." Dean rubs her shoulder and she falls into his chest. He can feel her holding in heavy sobs when he wraps his arms around her, but they only last a few minutes, and then she wipes her eyes on her sleeve.

"Can we really do this?" Lexi looks up at him, searching his eyes. "Are you sure you really want to do this? With me? With the boys? You don't have to--"

"I know I don't have to, I _want_ to."

Wishing he could find the words to make her believe him, Dean smooths the fly away hairs from her face, tucking them gently behind her ears. He knows he wants to stay with her, to stay with the boys. He wants to hold the three of them close, he wants to protect them, keep them safe, give them everything. Give _her_ everything.

He doesn't know if this is the right time, or if it's the right thing to do, but he feels it in his gut. He feels it in the place deep inside him, the place the he shuts up tight, and never lets see the light of day. It's a tiny niche inside his heart that he's closed off for so many years, boarded up, sealed up tight with every chain and lock imaginable, but now that niche is open, is wide open, and he knows there's no way he can close it again.

Dean presses his lips against Lexi's, just barely touching them with his, and she pulls away, looking up at him with wide and shocked eyes.

He panics, "Shit, I'm sorry. I thought--"

But Lexi interrupts him with her own lips, lightly brushing them against Dean's, and he doesn't move. He wants to. God, does he want to, but he doesn't. Under his hands, pressed up to his chest, and against his mouth, he can feel Lexi tremble and shake like a scared rabbit; one wrong move, and she'll bolt, run away, and hide.

"Dean," Lexi whispers, after she tries to kiss him a couple times, and realizes he's not kissing her back. "Kiss me." She pecks his top lip soft and slow. "Please, I need to know. Please. Is...is this what you want?"

Hesitantly, he nods his head, letting his lips brush against hers again. "Yeah, Lex, but is this what _you_ want? Me?" Dean wants to ask, _You want me? All my crap, all my baggage? I'm not Sam. I'll never be Sam. You want me as a consolation prize?_ _Can we do this? Is it allowed?_ But Dean doesn't say any of those things, his eyes just silently search Lexi's, and he sees they're not scared anymore; they're soft and they're almost calm. They make him calm.

"Yes." Lexi breathes her answer in barely a whisper. There's no hesitation in her words.

This time, the the sleeping baby boys don't wake up.

Dean's mouth finds Lexi's, and their lips move together, soft and gentle. Their mouths curl up into small smiles against each other. They breathe in each others quiet sighs, and when Lexi lets out this tiny hum against his lips, Dean tenderly cups her face in his hands.

He wishes he could put everything he's feeling, everything he wants to say to her, in his kisses. He wants to tell her that he doesn't blame her for him going to hell, he doesn't blame her for Sam, he doesn't blame her for anything; he simply loves her. He wants her to know that he'll do anything to keep her safe, anything to keep her boys safe, and anything to make her happy, because seeing her happy, even if it's just for a little bit, makes him happy.

Seconds after Dean pulls Lexi closer to him, in an effort to deepen the kiss, she whispers against his lips, "Bobby."

"Bobby?" Dean lets out a breathy laugh and rests his forehead against Lexi's. "The name's Dean," he teases, stealing small kiss.

"I am _well_ aware of who you are," she sasses around another stolen kiss. "Bobby's outside waiting for us."

After one more light kiss, Dean smirks at Lexi. "We should put the boys in their new bed."

She nods in agreement and they each scoop up a sleeping baby boy, then nestle them next to each other in the crib.

-

Outside, Bobby is drinking a beer in a lawn chair by the BBQ grill. When he notices Lexi and Dean walk outside, he asks, "What do you two think?"

"It's down right homey, Bobby. You did good." Dean throws his words over his shoulder with a huge grin as he grabs two lawn chairs from the back of Bobby's truck.

"It's perfect, Bobby. We can't thank you enough," Lexi answers with a smile and rests her hand on Bobby's shoulder.

"No need," Bobby replies, with a beaming smile, his hand reaching up and patting Lexi's hand.

Dean walks over to the two of them and sets down the lawn chairs. When he and Lexi sit down, Bobby pulls two beers out of the cooler next to him, and hands them to Lexi. She passes a bottle over to Dean and he takes it. After they both crack their beers open at the same time, Dean slips an arm around Lexi's shoulder. To him, the gesture certainly isn't new, it's not the first time he's done it, but as soon as his arm rests on her back, she flies up from her chair.

"I'm going to go check on the boys," she announces with the same wide and nervous eyes as before. She tries to set her beer down on the ground, but it falls over, and spills into the tall grass.

Not understanding what he did wrong, Dean opens his mouth to ask if she's okay, but Bobby beats him to it. "There's a couple boxes on bed, in the cabin. Just a few odds and ends I had layin' 'round the house. If you can use 'em, go for it, and let me know if you think of anythin' you're missin', I'll see what can rustle up for ya."

Both Dean and Bobby watch Lexi nod stiffly and take off at a brisk walk toward the cabin.

"Anything you wanna tell me?" Bobby asks his question with a slight smirk and a raise of his eyebrows.

"You goin' Doctor Phil on me again?" Dean rolls his eyes and takes a long swig of his beer.

"You two talk about what you and I talked about before?"

Dean shakes his head. "Not really." He takes another pull of his beer. "No, but I've done that a hundred times, the arm around the shoulder thing. I don't know why--"

"Lemme guess," Bobby interrupts with an eye roll. "You kissed her and then didn't talk about anythin'?"

"Well, yeah, but it was just--"

"Idjit," Bobby mutters under his breath as he shakes his head and laughs. "She bolted up outta here like a jack rabbit, 'cause'a me." Dean starts to ask what the hell Bobby's talking about, but Bobby keeps right on talking. "Me and Lexi had a chat when she first came here, to 2007, I mean. The way she talked, her and I were close back in her day. 'Parently I was around a lot when her and her-Sam were married."

"We lived out back: Sam, Lexi, the girls, and me. You gave her and Sam some land, out past the salvage yard as a wedding present, and I built them a house." Dean gives Bobby the quick version and as soon as he says the words it starts to make sense.

"Judgin' by what she told me, and what you just said, I'm sure it's hard for her to be close to you in front of me, I'm sure she feels like she's betrayin' Sam. You gotta take it slow, boy. You think this is hard for you? You think you got guilt pilin' up inside ya for everything, and for how you feel 'bout Lexi and those boys? Think on it from her side: she came back here to fix it, to save you both, and here she is: two baby boys, her husband...were he's at? She thinks it's all her fault."

"But it's not!" Dean yells and then quickly looks over at the cabin, to make sure Lexi's not with in earshot. She's not. "It's not her fault. None of it is," he repeats, lowering his voice.

"Well, _I_ know it's not. _You_ know it's not, but her? She'll probably blame herself for the rest of her life. I've been there, Dean. I got barrels full of blame and guilt in my guts, and it's never goin' away. Not ever. I'll never forgive myself."

Not knowing what to say to that, Dean finishes his beer. He knows Bobby's referring to Karen, and how Bobby stabbed her when he didn't know she was possessed. Bobby's not at fault for that, and Lexi's not guilty for Sam. Not that he's at peace with with happened with Sam, because he's not, and he suspects he never will be, he just knows it's not Lexi's fault.

Sam begged Dean not to go poking at the cage once he was gone, and at first Dean vowed he'd never rest until Sam was out of hell and safe on earth. Dean pictured himself digging through lore, tracking down spells, and making deals with anything that would deal, to get Sam back; he thought he'd do anything, even if it took him until he was old and gray. But now that he's lived the last couple months, Dean knows Sam would want Lexi and the son's he's never met, safe. Dean's figured out that he can't do both; he can't search all over God's green earth looking for ways to save Sam AND keep Lexi, Alex, and baby Sam safe. Dean's made a choice and now he's got his own pile of guilt he'll live with for the rest of his life. Dean's made a promise, he's made several of them, and he intends to keep good on his word.

"Well, steaks and spuds are done," Bobby announces from alongside the grill, pulling Dean from his thoughts. "You wanna go in first and let Lexi know supper's done? I'll take my sweet ol' time out here." Bobby grins at Dean.

"So how much do I owe you for this session, Shrink Singer?"

"I'll put it on your tab."

"Check's in the mail." Dean jogs toward the cabin, trying to think of what he's going to say to Lexi.

*//*

Just like Bobby said, there were a couple boxes on the bed in the master bedroom. Lexi can almost hear what Dean and Bobby are talking about outside, but she forces herself not to listen, she can't deal with that right now.

Dean putting his arm around her shoulder isn't anything new. In fact, if she were being honest, she'd say she liked it, under _normal_ circumstances, but in front of Bobby? That just doesn't sit right with her. She knows that the Bobby outside isn't the Bobby who'd been there while her and Sam were married, but a part of her still feels guilty, and she's just not ready to show affection toward Dean in front of Bobby, not yet.

As she sorts through the piles of pot holders, bath towels and extra sheets, Lexi can't stop thinking about Sam. She wishes there was something she could do, some angel she could sweet talk into saving Sam the way Cas did, but there's not been one angel that's answered her prayers. She's prayed to Gadreel, Gabriel, Samandriel, even Balthazar, and she's gotten no replies. She's tried calling Chuck, she's tried praying to him, and like the angels, he's never answered her, never tried to contact her. There's no one. Sam's gone and she thinks it's all her fault.

Silently, she finds homes for all the things Bobby gave her; pot holders on the hooks by the stove, dish towels in the drawer next to the sink, sheets in the closet in the bathroom, next to the bath towels. While Dean and Lexi were in the nursery, Bobby had brought in their bags and cardboard boxes, and Lexi finds places for all those things too. Dean's clothes go on hangers in the left side of the closet, Lexi's on the right. The boys' clothing goes in the dresser in their room, their bottles and formula in a cupboard, and she puts the contents of Dean's shaving bag on one side of the medicine cabinet above the sink in the bathroom, her things on the opposite side. She leaves the weapons bags alone, figuring Dean will put everything in the gun cabinet on his own, but she grabs Sam's bag, now hers, and sits down on the bed, just staring at the contents. 

Sam didn't have much, and neither did she, but it's all she has, all she has left of Sam, other than the memories. There's Sam's journal, the one she gave him the night of the ritual, and that goes in the bedside table drawer on the left side of the bed; her side of the bed. Same goes for Sam's gun, Lexi's version of Ruby's knife, and the little ancient looking wooden box that holds the silver and opal necklace Sam gave her. She took it off shortly after the boys were born, afraid that they would get their chubby little hands on the delicate chain and break it.

Also in the wooden box are the post-it notes Sam left her, the only love letters she has from him. Underneath the crinkled yellow pieces of paper is the engagement ring Sam gave her in 2007, she's never put it back on this whole time. She wants to, but just looking at it makes her want to throw herself under the nearest train, so she keeps it put away. She knows it's selfish, but she has to keep herself sane for her Alex and baby Sam, and the ring is a constant reminder of all her faults, all her screw ups...she just can't.

She wipes away her tears, and tucks her most precious belongings into the drawer, and spins the golden band on her ring finger; the ring that will never come off, not ever. The only things left in Sam's bag are her version of John Winchester's journal and the few plaid shirts she has of Sam's. They don't smell like Sam anymore. They smell like Lexi, and a little bit like Dean, mixed with the smell of pink baby lotion.

Just as she thinks about how she'll never smell Sam again, there's a knock on bedroom door.

"Lex? Can I come in?"

"Yeah," she whispers. "Sorry about before."

"Nothing to be sorry about," Dean tells her as he sits down on the bed next to her. "I shouldn't have--"

"Just not in front of Bobby, okay? Not yet," Lexi interrupts while taking Dean's hand, and rubbing her fingers over his knuckles. "I just...just, not yet."

Dean nods his head, even though they're not looking at each other. "I get it. I do and it's okay. We don't have too...you and me. I mean, it's not going to make me leave or anything...if you don't want... _you know_. I know this isn't how it was supposed to happen. I know you weren't supposed to be with me."

"That's not it, that's not it at all." Lexi brings her eyes up to Dean's. "I do...I mean... _you know_..." She feels herself blush like a teenager. "I do want this... _you_. I do, if you do, but I know you promised Sam that you'd go to Lisa's; live that apple pie life, go to barbecues, and football games."

"Is she the one you talked about before? The one that might have been the one, if everything wouldn't have happened back then?"

"No." Lexi shakes her head. "Her name was Abby. You could find her, you know. She's probably still right here in Sioux Falls."

"And if I'm happy right where I am?"

"Then I'm right here in Sioux Falls, too."

"Good." Dean kisses her softly. "'Cause it just so happens I'm in Sioux Falls, as well, and I'm not goin' anywhere."

"Good." Lexi smiles and kisses Dean.

"Soup's on!" Bobby yells from the kitchen, the screen door slamming behind him, causing Lexi and Dean to jump apart. 

Dean laughs. "You hungry? Bobby made enough cow for half the county." 

Lexi kisses him once more and nods her head. "Starving."

 *//*

Dean's pleasantly shocked when Lexi grabs for his hand as they walk out into the kitchen, and he gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Bobby's already got the steaks and potatoes on the table, and he's digging in the cupboards for what Dean assumes is plates. For just a second, Dean marvels at the fact that he's got a home; four walls, clean sheets, and a place to hang his figurative hat. Though, he assumes he's going to have to get an actual hat at some point, considering they're in South Dakota. _Friggen winter._

"Well, dig in!" Bobby insists as he sets the table and takes a seat.

"Smells great, Bobby," Lexi praises when she sits down next to Bobby.

"I'm no master chef, or anything, but I can work a grill mighty fine." Bobby winks at Lexi. "So I put a few things in the freezer and fridge for you two. Enough to last a week or so. Pantry's got a few things in it too." He passes the platter of steaks and potatoes to Lexi, who fills her plate, and hands it off to Dean.

"Franklin's still on Cliff?" Lexi asks as she cuts into her steak.

"Yup." Bobby laughs. "You been there?"

"Not in a long time." She smirks, looking up at Dean and then Bobby.

"I suppose not, but yeah, the grocery store's still there. Oh, and I wanted to tell you two, I brought up a bunch of wood for the wood stove. You'll have to get more once it gets closer to winter, but there's enough out there to last awhile." Bobby takes his hat off to scratch his head, obviously trying to remember something. "The electric and internet bill comes to my house. I'll take care of it for as long as you need me to, it's not much for this old place."

"You've done too much, already," Lexi interrupts.

"No arguin'. It's already done. So, those munchkins gonna wake up any time soon?"

It's as if Alex and baby Sam heard Bobby, because they start to fuss.

"I'll go get 'em, Lex. You eat," Dean offers and doesn't wait for Lexi to answer.

When Dean's gone into the nursery, Bobby asks Lexi, "He's pretty good with those boys, huh?"

"He is," Lexi agrees. "Even better than me, sometimes."

"I knew he would be."

"Me too." Lexi leaves the table and starts to make two bottles, knowing the boys will be hungry.

"Well, Bobby," Dean says as he comes back into kitchen with a huge smile on his face, holding the two baby boys against his chest. "I've got two boys who've been waiting to meet you." He tries to hand baby Sam off to Lexi, so they can feed them their dinner.

"Hey now!" Bobby interrupts, scooping Sam out of Dean's arms. "I believe I got first dibs on these little guys."

Lexi hands Bobby one bottle, giving Dean the other. "Bobby, meet Samuel Robert Winchester and Alexander Dean Winchester. Sam, Alex..." she whispers to her sons, smoothing the hair out of their eyes. "Meet your Grandpa Bobby."

Dean watches as Bobby's cheeks turn pink and his eyes go wide, and Dean would swear on every bible in the world that he's never been more proud.

"Grandpa Bobby?" Bobby shakes his head. "That's some crazy talk there and I know crazy. Seen all kinds of crazy shit in my day."

"Ah, ah, ah," Dean playfully scolds him. "Watch the language around the impressionable ears, _Grandpa_ Bobby."

"Dean, they're two months old!" Lexi laughs around a mouthful of steak.

"Hey," Dean teases. "If I have to watch my mouth, so does he. It's only fair."

"Alright, I'll work on my 'darns' and 'shoots'," Bobby claims. "But I ain't makin' no promises. Cas is gonna be so jealous I got to meet 'em first."

"Speaking of which," Dean starts. "Where is Cas? I figured he'd come over here with you?"

"Out with Rufus, huntin' down a Rakshaha in Santa Fe," Bobby answers, but he doesn't take his eyes off baby Sam.

"Cas is out hunting?" Lexi asks, choking a little bit on her beer. Dean meets her eyes and he can tell by the look on her face she's worried.

"Yep. I tried to talk 'em out of it, but Rufus needed the help, and there was no stoppin' him. He'll be fine. He's helped me with a couple salt and burns. He's turnin' out to be a right fine hunter. He said he'd drive the Scottsdale out here when he gets back. He misses you two."

"He's driving MY truck! You let him drive MY truck?"

"Well, I taught him how first," Bobby assures Lexi with a laugh. "He's even got a license now. It's legit, he passed the tests and everything. 'Course I forged his birth certificate and his Social Security Number is fake, but he did it all on his own. He's pretty proud of himself, too."

Dean's laughing too, but he doesn't say anything. He just watches Lexi's wide eyes and Bobby's smirks.

"I hope you don't mind," Bobby continues. "I gave him your last name, Garrison. Felt pretty weird to give him mine."

Now Dean's laughing so hard, his shoulders are shaking, and there's tears rolling down his face. He's having a hard time holding Alex's bottle upright.

"Castiel Garrison?" Lexi says the name aloud, and Dean notices she's laughing now too.

"Well, just Cas, but yeah. Cas Garrison."

"He's not keeping my truck," Lexi warns and tries to keep her voice steady, but she's entirely unsuccessful.

"I'll follow him out here when he comes. He'll leave your precious Scottsdale here for ya," Bobby promises.

"Good," she answers, her tone more serious this time. "If you've still got the Cavalier, he can have that."

"Yup, it's still at my place. I'll let him know," Bobby says.

After Lexi finishes her meal, she takes baby Sam from Bobby's arms, and lets him finish his steak, but Dean's gotten good at eating with one hand, he keeps Alex in his arms. When they're all finished eating, Lexi gathers the boys in her arms, and brings them down to the bathroom to give them a bath, while Dean and Bobby clean up dinner.

"So Cas is doing good, then?" Dean asks while he washes up the plates and silverware.

"Yup. He's doin' a lot better than what I expected. I think he's just tryin' to find his place in the world. He's not an angel anymore, but he's not really human either."

"He's still got his angel mojo?"

"No," Bobby answers as he wipes the kitchen table clean. "He's human in that sense, but it's a big change for him. Like I told you before, he didn't sleep at first, 'cause he didn't know he had to. Then he came to me and told me he was in pain, that his stomach hurt. I tried not to laugh at him, but he didn't know what hunger pains were. Now I can't get him to stop eating. He's gotta learn things that even most kids know. He's doin' good though. He's catchin' on."

"Cas as a human," Dean says aloud. "Baby in a trench coat."

"Pretty much," Bobby agrees. "Speakin' of babies... You handle those boys pretty good, I knew you would. I remember how you were with your brother when you were little. You did real good with him."

"It's comin' back." Dean can't help but wince at the mention of Sam.

"So, you're out? Of the life, I mean."

"I guess." Dean shrugs his shoulders. He's been thinking about this for awhile. "I can't keep them safe and be on the road at the same time, and I'm not bringin' them with me."

"No, I suppose you can't."

"But if you need help with stuff, research or whatever, I'm still here. Just takin' a knee, I'm not benched or anything. Lex can help too, if you need her. She seems to know 'bout stuff that we don't."

"Yeah, I caught that when she stayed at the house awhile back. I think she knows her way 'round my mess better than I do," Bobby laughs. "For what it's worth," Bobby's tone takes a more serious one. "I think you're doing the right thing. Doin' right by Sam, Lexi and those boys."

"I know I am. And I want to be here, with her, with them, I just don't know anything else. Haven't had this." He nods to the house. "Haven't had this in a long time."

"If anyone deserves it, it's you, Dean, and I mean that."

"I know you do, Bobby, and thanks for this, for everything." Dean pulls Bobby into a hug.

"Don't mention it, son." Bobby claps Dean on the back a couple times before they pull out of the hug.

"Alright," Lexi says when she walks back into the kitchen with the boys in their pajamas. "Say good night, Grandpa Bobby. These boys need to get to bed."

"Night, boys." Bobby pats the tops of their heads gently. "Speaking of which, this old basta--- this old man," Bobby corrects himself. "It's about time for this old man to hit the hay, too. You two let me know if you need anything, anything at all. Just ask, and I mean it."

"We will," Lexi answers. "Thanks again."

"Alright, that's enough thankin' me, it's gonna all go to my head. I'll see you two in a couple of days. Me and Cas'll come out sometime next week, WITH the Scottsdale, kay?"

"Better not be a scratch on it," Lexi warns and Dean laughs again. He feels like he hasn't laughed this much in years.

"No scratches," Bobby repeats, standing in the doorway. "See ya kids later."

*//*

After Bobby is gone and the boys are fast asleep in their new crib, Lexi and Dean are sitting on the couch in the living room, with Led Zeppelin playing softly on the record player. Dean's got a beer in his hand, Lexi's drinking tea, and they just sit together.

He's wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and this time she didn't jump up from where she was sitting, she just leaned into Dean. He knows he shouldn't be, but he's surprised at how good it feels; Lexi by his side, the boys sleeping in their own room, and the cabin around them. He doesn't know how he's going to do this, take care of Lexi and the boys, get out of the life, be a normal guy, and have a job, but he knows he wants to. Right now he wants it so badly.

When Lexi finishes her tea, she sets her empty mug on the coffee table, and looks up at Dean. "I think I'm going to sleep in the boys' room tonight."

Not that Dean was expecting anything, because he wasn't, but he wasn't expecting her to say that. "Oh. Okay."

"I'm just worried I won't hear them when they wake up. I'm not used to them being in a different room," she answers quickly, almost too quickly, and Dean can tell that while her reasoning might be part of her decision, it's not the entire reason.

Things changed today, they've been changing every day since Sam and Alex were born, but today he and Lexi changed, he knows that, but he doesn't have any expectations. Hopes, sure, but no expectations. He knows that Lexi's slept in the same bed as him for the last couple months because it makes her feel better, but it makes Dean feel better too; he doesn't feel so alone.

"Lex, I know we talked about how we both want... _this_ , but nothing has to change. We don't have to... _you know_. You can still sleep in the same bed as me."

"I know." She spins her wedding band around her finger, and Dean watches her. "I just need to...sleep in the boys room, just for a couple nights, okay?"

"Yeah, of course it's okay." Dean twirls a lock of her hair around his fingers and they sit in silence for awhile.

It's Lexi that speaks first, "Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we safe here?"

"'Course we are. You heard Bobby rattle off all the warding he's got on this place. Nothing's gettin' inside and nothing sure as hell is gettin' past me."

"But...Gabe's still out there. I mean the demon that possessed him. He was working with Lilith and Ruby. He was pretty hell bent on coming after me. What if he--"

"He's gone, Lex. I meant to tell you. He came lookin' for you while you were gone, in heaven. Sam killed the demon, he's not coming after you again."

"Was he...did he possess Gabe again?" Lexi's voice breaks and it about kills Dean.

"Yeah, I'm so sorry. I meant to tell you, I really did. Me, Sam, and Bobby, we salted and...burned him. We didn't want anything else comin' back in him."

"And his parents? Do they know, or do they think he's missing?"

"Bobby took care of that. They know he's gone." Dean pauses to kiss the side of Lexi's head. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Lexi whispers, swallowing a couple times, and wiping her face. "I'm going to go to bed."

"Kay, but wake me up if I don't hear the boys. I'll help you feed them, alright?"

"Alright." She stands up from the couch and starts to walk away, but stops and turns back to face Dean. She bends down and kisses him softly and whispers, "Good night."

"'Night, Lex." He brushes his thumb across her cheek and gives her a half smile.

He watches her out of the corner of his eye when she walks into "their bedroom" and closes the door behind her. She comes back out in just a couple of minutes with her hair braided down her back, and wearing one of Sam's shirts. She walks straight into the nursery and closes the door behind herself.

With a heavy sigh, Dean stays on the couch, and listens to Zeppelin while he finishes his beer. When he swallows the last of it, he brings his empty bottle, and Lexi's empty mug of tea into the kitchen, and puts them in the sink. He shuts off the record player, checks the locks on the windows and both doors, takes a peek outside, and when he's satisfied that there's nothing threatening out there, he heads to the empty bedroom.

He tosses his jeans and his shirts on top of the dresser, and climbs into the queen-sized bed, all while trying to ignore how empty it feels. He understands why Lexi needs her space, he really does, and he's fine with it. It's just that, right now, he also understands why Lexi slept on the couch of her ratty motel room, way back when. The bed feels too big when it's just one person.

After nearly two hours of tossing and turning, Dean rolls over and looks at the digital clock on his end table. It's 3:12AM and he can't fall asleep. He knows that the boys usually wake up around three thirty, to be changed and to eat, so he lies in the dark, and waits for their cries. He never hears them, but at 4:22AM he wakes up to cold feet on his leg.

"Lex? Are the boys awake?"

"No, already fed them. They're sleeping," she whispers after she rests her head on his bare chest.

"Everything okay?" He wraps his arms around her and pulls her close, feeling her braided hair under his hands.

She nods her head. "That bed's too big."

"Good," Dean murmurs.

"Good? It's good that the bed felt too big?"

"Yup." He kisses the top of her head. "It's good."


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long one. :) 
> 
> There's a lot of references back to Chapter 32 in the beginning of this chapter - when Lexi takes Sam inside her mind and shows him their home in 2014. 
> 
> Here's the address to that chapter, if you want a refresher. :)  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2204937/chapters/5383934
> 
> (I can't figure out how to make a link in the notes. If you know, please share your expertise. :D )

Three nights after their first night in the cabin, Dean is wide awake in bed and he's watching Lexi sleep. He's content, he's happy, and it surprises him.

In the beginning, Dean had been worried that once he was in one place for too long, that itch would start to burn under the surface of his skin - the need to move on, ingrained in his entire self from nearly thirty years of life on the road. He worried that it would come barreling to the surface, but it never did. Instead, Dean found himself thinking about what lie ahead for him, for his nephews, and for Lexi - for the four of them, _together_.

He has stood in the door way of the light blue nursery and watched Lexi rock both babies against her chest. He's stood silently and listened to the wooden frame of the old rocking chair creek with each of Lexi's movements, and it surprised him how satisfied and content he was with it.

Over the past couple years, since Lexi fell into his life, he's heard her sing: in the bar back in Minnesota and in the coffee shop when he'd finally tracked her down. He's heard her hum happy, little ditties or sing in the shower, but Dean's noticed that when she sings to the boys, it's different.

When she sings her goofy little made-up songs to the boys about how they need to have their diapers changed, or how it's lunch time, Lexi gets this look on her face, and Dean loves it. Her smile goes right up to her blue eyes, and for a minute, they actually sparkle. When she sings to Sam and Alex, Dean can tell that nothing else in the world matters. There's no pain in her eyes, there's no loss, and he lets himself imagine that was how she looked back in her 2014... _happy_.

After Lexi traded her life for Sam's and was taken by Zachariah, sometimes Sam would drink a little too much and babble on about the life he would have had with Lexi. He told Dean about blobby, finger-painted pictures and adorably inaccurate representations of the Impala. Sam slurred a story about Dean being a freckle thief, and Bobby married to the sheriff, and while none of it ever made sense to Dean, he still listened. 

No matter how much he thought about Sam's drunken ramblings, it never made sense to Dean, because he just thought it was the tequila that gave Sam the goofy look of joy on his face, but now he knows. The look on Sam's face, when he talked about strawberries and Play-Dough, chocolate cupcakes, and white satin ribbons, was exactly same as the look Lexi got on her face when she gave the boys a bath or fed them their lunch.

Dean still doesn't know exactly how Sam knew those things. Sure, Lexi could have told him stories about her past, but the look Sam had on his face, Dean would swear it was something else. Sam, even drunken Sam, told the stories like they were memories, like he saw them first hand, like he was there when they had happened, and it never made sense to Dean.

When the memory of that night, with Sam drunk in the shitty motel room, first re-entered Dean's mind, a fresh batch of grief filled his heart and took his breath away. Baby Sam and Alex were in their crib, taking their afternoon nap. Lexi was outside reading a book, leaving Dean alone, and for a second, he was convinced he was going to die. He gasped for a breath that never came, he fell back against the bathroom wall, and slid limply down to the floor. Tears fell from his eyes like rivers, his whole body shook, and he knew it was the end. He knew in his heart Lexi was going to find him dead on the floor of the bathroom, and that it wasn't going to be a monster that finally did him in. Dean was convinced he was going to die from a friggin' panic attack, but it sure felt like a broken heart.

He tried to call out to Lexi, he tried to make his voice work, but just like everything else connected to his body, he had no control. His whole body was frozen stiff with fear and grief, and he couldn't make a sound, because no matter what he did, he couldn't pull in a breath.

Just as his vision started to narrow, Lexi slid on the rug in the hallway and practically dove into the bathroom, next to Dean. He watched her lips move, he saw the tears fall from her eyes as she touched his face, and pulled his rigid body to hers. She was rocking him back and forth, calmly repeating, "Just breathe, Dean. It's okay, just breathe. I'm right here," when he finally pulled in a painful breath.

They sat on the bathroom floor for what felt like days, to Dean. At some point, Lexi had climbed between Dean and the wall and held him to her body. He sat curled up in a ball between Lexi's legs, wrapped in her arms, his face buried in her soft chest, until his heart beat and breath fell into a normal rhythm. She softly asked if he wanted to talk about it and Dean shook his head 'no'. He _did_ want to talk about it, but at the same time he didn't. Thankfully, Lexi left it alone. She never pressed Dean to talk, but she always listened when he did.

That evening, they didn't do much. Neither Dean, nor Lexi, had much of an appetite, so they skipped lunch and supper, spending almost the whole day in bed - Sam and Alex with them. Lexi read chapter after chapter from a tattered old version of _The Return of the King_ ; a book Dean found shoved under the passenger seat of the Impala, obviously Sam's from back in the day. Lexi read with her back up against pillows and the wall, while Dean rested his head against her chest, and he held the boys close. As Lexi read the words, she combed her fingers through Dean's hair, and Dean watched babySam and Alex look around the room, chasing the sound of their mother's voice with their eyes.

Lexi had been smart and brought bottles and diapers into their room with her, so no one had to get up out of the comfort and safety of the bedroom, and she read until the sun went down. When Dean noticed her voice started to go hoarse, he gently took the book from her hands, closed it, and set it on his end table. They shared a short kiss and both stood up to the bring the boys to bed.

On the way back to bed, Lexi grabbed a bottle of wine and a beer from the fridge. At the time Dean had hoped she would have grabbed for the bottle of whiskey in the highest cupboard of the kitchen, but when she didn't, he stayed quiet. It had been over two months since he'd touched anything harder than a beer. It didn't bug him not to have it; he didn't think about the booze all the time, quite the opposite in fact. He didn't need it, and he liked that. Dean refused to get drunk, and he told himself that if Lexi could make it through this mess with out getting shit faced, so could he. And he did.

Dean was already back in bed when Lexi walked into the bedroom with the wine, wine glass, and beer in her hand. After she handed everything to him, he watched out of the corner of his eye as she took off her jeans, tee shirt, and bra, and pulled on one of Sam's white undershirts.

In days past, Dean averted his eyes when Lexi changed: looked at the clock and fiddled with the numbers, or pretended to dig in the closet for something, and Lexi always seemed to turn her back to him. And it wasn't that Dean had never seen her naked, because he had, it was just they hadn't gotten to _that_ point yet.

Back when they all lived in Lexi's cabin, Dean walked in on her in the bathroom. It was a total accident, but Lexi had been bent over, completely naked, rubbing lotion on her legs, giving him a full view of her ass. Dean had never moved that quickly away from something that wasn't about to rip his neck out, in his entire life. For three days, Dean blushed when he saw Lexi, but she never teased him. Neither did Sam, so Dean always figured she kept the little incident to herself. He's still thankful for that.

Dean had been there when Lexi had given birth to the boys, and while he wasn't on the business end of _that_ particular situation, he was still there. After, Dean watched and tried to help in anyway he could when Lexi nursed the boy. of course there wasn't much he really could do to help, since he didn't have the proper parts, but seeing parts of Lexi's body isn't something that's new for Dean. Of course, watching her undress was a different thing, he knew that.

Dean watched with covert eyes as Lexi pulled her pale green tee shirt over her head and tossed it in the laundry basket. Her bra came off next, and while her back wasn't completely turned to Dean, her front wasn't either. He could see the soft curve of the side of her breast and the smooth skin of her waist. When she pulled off her jeans, the small roundness of her ass through her underwear made Dean pull in a quiet breath, and made his heart rate quicken. When she pulled the over-sized white tee shirt over her head, Dean forced himself to relax, and he took a _long_ pull from his beer.

When she settled into bed next to him, Dean poured her a glass of wine and handed it to her. She smiled in thanks and asked, "Want me to read some more?"

"If you want," Dean answered back, kissing the side of Lexi's face. He did want her to read, and at that point, he didn't care if it was _The Lord of the Rings_ , or stereo instructions, he just liked the way her voice calmed him. He felt better, but his nerves were still raw from before.

When Lexi started to yawn around Sam and Frodo's words, Dean, once again, took the book from Lexi's hands, and put it down on the end table next to her empty glass of wine and his empty beer bottle. He held her close to his naked chest until she fell asleep. It didn't take long.

Now, Dean's in bed, watching Lexi sleep, the dim lamp light illuminating their bedroom just enough for him to look down on her face. _How is this even possible_ , he wonders to himself. _How is she here? How are we here? No, Dean, let's not go down that road, not right now. You can finally breathe. Lex helped you breathe. This is your life now, Lex is here, and that's all that matters. **She's** all that matters. _

"Dean?" Lexi stirs next to him, burying her face into the crook of his neck.

"Go back to sleep, Lex, you're dreaming. I'm right here," Dean whispers, as he rubs her back.

"Don't tell me to go back to sleep, Winchester. You go to sleep."

Dean can feel her smile into his skin and playfully shove him with her hands. In mock retaliation, he pokes her in the ribs with his pointer fingers, earning him a set of shrieks and giggles. She tries to squirm away, but he holds her close, promising that he's finished with the tickling. 

"How did you know?" Dean asks after Lexi's laughing ends, and she stops trying to wiggle away.

"How did I know what?" She looks up at him with knitted eyebrows.

"About before, in the bathroom.."

"You yelled for me, Dean." He notices that she has a confused look on her face; she doesn't understand.

"No..." For the millionth time, Dean runs those few moments through his mind, and he remembers every _agonizing second_ of his panic attack. He knows he didn't call out to Lexi. He tried, but he couldn't.

"Yes, you did. You screamed for me, and I came running into the house and fast as I could. I heard you, plain as day." 

"Hmm." Dean stops to think for a minute.

"What?"

"Sam said before, that your angel grace gave you some sort of psychic-whatever, right?"

"They took it in heaven. Cas said my grace was gone."

"What was it like?" Dean asks, almost embarrassed, but he's always been curious.

"I guess, thinking back, it started right away, I just didn't notice it." Dean waits as Lexi pauses and chooses her words. He can tell it's almost uncomfortable for her, but she continues. "I didn't figure out what was happening until you kissed me when we were at the river. I knew exactly what you were feeling, I could feel it. I knew you had a rush of emotions, I could feel how what I said overwhelmed you, and at the time you weren't used to it. I knew it didn't mean anything."

"That seems like a hundred years ago, doesn't it?" Dean wonders, and she nods her head. "What about with Sammy? He told me some stuff about the bond, after the ritual, and some of it I could see for myself, but--"

"Deeeean," she interrupts with an eye roll and a shake of her head.

"I don't mean _that,_ " Dean assures. "I just mean... Like that day in Superior with the vamps. You _knew_ , something happened to Sam, and then back at the motel room... Neither of you said a word, but there was something going on there. I know there was."

"That was the bond. We could feel what the other was feeling, but it wasn't just emotions. Sam could feel where I was hurt."

"So if he stubbed his toe, you'd feel it?" Dean asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Pretty much." Dean watches her cheeks flush a little bit, and he gets the message that the bond didn't just allow them to share only pain. "I mean, our souls were bonded. Whatever he felt, I felt. The closer he was to me, the stronger it was."

"Is that what happened at the motel, with Lucifer?"

"Yeah. I could feel him." Lexi rolls away from Dean and lies on the bed on her back. Dean rolls on his side, resting his head on hand, propped up by his elbow.

"Sammy let me read the bonding ritual. It said that you could break the bond if he 'committed a betrayal of extreme magnitude' You never broke it?"

"No," Lexi answers slowly while shaking her head. He wipes away the tears that falls from her eyes and waits patiently for her to go on. "I always thought that if I could save him... I mean, I always knew about Ruby. Back then, my-Sam told me everything; he was _always_ honest with me, but seeing all of it _in person_ was a whole other thing... but I thought if I got him out of it, if it wasn't too late, I could save him. So, I brought him to Bobby's and threw him in the panic room."

"Is that when you told Sam to 'fuck the Impala'?" Dean laughs and kisses Lexi, thankful when a small smile forms on her lips.

"He told you about that?"

"Yeah, but I forgive you... just this once." Dean teases and steals another kiss. "The only reason I ask about all that is because I didn't yell for you. I couldn't make a sound, but you _still_ heard me."

"I did. You literally _screamed_ for me."

"And I believe you. I'm just wondering if there's some sort of angel juice left behind, that's all. Doesn't matter either way, I guess. The idea just popped into my head."

"I can ask Cas when he gets here? He might know if some residual angel grace can be left behind?"

"He'd be the one to ask."

"Cas Garrison," Lexi whispers with a laugh and rolls over so she's facing Dean. "That still cracks me up."

"Me too," Dean agrees as he rolls over to quickly snap off his lamp. When he rolls back to Lexi she takes her usual spot, pressed up against his chest, and with both arms, Dean holds her against him. "Thanks for before," he whispers into the top of Lexi's head, after a few minutes of silence.

"Of course," she whispers back. "Can you tell me what brought it on? Do you want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head because the painful moment has passed, and he'd rather not bring it up again. "Just thought of some stuff. I'm good now."

Lexi nods her head into Dean's skin and kisses his chest right over his anti-possession tattoo. She makes this little hum against his skin, and suddenly Dean _wants_.

He wants to kiss Lexi, and not the little kisses they've been sharing over the past few days: the ones that have been soft and sweet, on _this side_ of chaste. He wants to _taste_ her, he wants to make her let out to more of those little noises _against his skin_ , he wants to _be the reason_ she makes those noises.

Dean knows things between him and Lexi aren't exactly _traditional_ , considering everything. It took them over two months to actually kiss, and that is not _The Dean Winchester Way_ , not by a long shot. And he's not sure the slow pace they've set is because Lexi needs it slow, or because he needs it slow, or if they both need it slow, or if they both think the other one needs it slow; Dean has no idea. He just knows that by the time he's done arguing with himself in his mind, Lexi's rhythmic sleeping breath against his chest feels like molten lava, and Dean wants to dive right in.

*//*

The next evening Dean is outside putting together a fire in the stone fire ring in the back yard, and Lexi and Cas are in the boys' nursery, trying to get them to sleep.

"They are very excited from all the commotion of today," Cas whispers, while he rocks baby Sam in the rocking chair. "They like me."

Lexi snickers softly as she lies sleeping Alex in the crib. "Of course they like you, Cas. Why wouldn't they?"

"The same reason some humans do not like other humans, I suppose."

"Cas, they're babies. They poop, they cry, they laugh, they eat, and they sleep. They like the people who feed them."

"That's not true. They like you because you are soft and warm, and because you sing to them. They like when you tell them stories about Sam."

Lexi's jaw falls open, and she just stares at Cas. "Uh, you know what they're thinking?"

"No. I am human now, not psychic. I am, however, fluent in many forms of baby."

"Well, what are they _saying_ right now?"

"Nothing. They're sleeping," Cas answers in a way that would be sarcastic coming out of the mouth of anyone else, but Lexi knows Cas means exactly what he says. She watches as Cas carefully puts baby Sam in the crib next to Alex, and they instantly curl up around each other.

"Cas, you've been with them all day. Why didn't you say anything before?"

Cas has been at the cabin since shortly after breakfast. He drove the Scottsdale out, and Bobby followed in the Cavalier, while Rufus followed in his old beater. Apparently, Bobby and Rufus had a case to work on, and couldn't stay. Cas did stay, and he spent nearly the whole time with Sam and Alex, on the braided rug of the living room.

Lexi watched Cas as he carefully touched their soft, brown hair and held their little hands in his. She heard him reading books from their little library, future-Cas and Crowley brought them the day they were born, but then Cas asked Lexi if she was familiar with a book called, _The Return of the King_. She looked at him, confused as to how he came to the conclusion that reading them that book would be something they'd enjoy, but when she went into her and Dean's bedroom and brought it back out for Cas, he sat on the couch with Sam and Alex in his lap and read for hours.

If what Cas is saying is correct, because why would he lie, the boys _asked_ him to read them that book, and of course, Cas obliged.

"They don't like when their milk is cold, they prefer it when it is warm. They like the feeling of Dean's facial hair, but they don't like when you clothe yourself in shirts with buttons. They both like it when you sing to them, but not when you cry. It makes them sad. They do not understand why you cry. They talked of how you seek comfort in Dean and how he makes you happy, and makes you laugh."

"Oh," Lexi breathes, looking down on the sleeping boys, completely shocked.

"There is something else." When Cas continues, Lexi's heart starts to pound, she doesn't understand why, but it beats loudly in her chest. "I tried to explain to them many times, but they seem to be firm in their thoughts."

"What? Am I doing something wrong?" Lexi's been afraid this whole time, that she's been a horrible mother. Things aren't the way they were when she had her daughters, Alex and Antonia. Lexi was calm and she was happy, but for the past couple months, she's been nervous, a wreck, and completely on edge, fighting tooth and nail to keep the darkness from swallowing her.

"No. No, it's not anything you are doing incorrectly, they speak of you very highly, but I am afraid there may be some sort of confusion, regarding their father."

"But you said they liked when I told them stories about Sam. I tell them about Sam, all the time, every day! I tell them--"

"They have told me all those stories, but to them..." Cas interrupts and then lets out a heavy sigh. "To them, Dean is their father. He is all that they know."

"Sam is their father. He died to save the world, to save me, to save them. He is their father." Lexi grips the railing of the crib with both hands so hard that she hears the old wood creak from the pressure.

"I know I have only been on this earth a short while, and an actual human a fraction of that time, but I have learned that there is difference between a father and a dad," the former angel explains. "Alexis, this is not a matter of you doing something right or wrong. It just...it just is. They love Dean, just as you do."

"I'll just have to do better," Lexi vows. "I'll have to--"

"I do not understand," Cas stops her again. "Dean provides for you and your sons, he takes care of them, he keeps them safe, he treats them just as he would his own. I do not understand. Sam and Alex considering Dean as more than their uncle, as perhaps a father, would not diminish the love that they have for Sam."

"It's loyalty, Cas." She loosens her grip from the railing of the crib and gently caresses baby Sam's face. "How can I just hand that title over to Dean? I love him and I know he loves my boys, but how can I take that away from Sam? These are his boys."

"Why does it need to be all or nothing? You would not be taking away from Sam, you would be giving more to your sons." He watches Lexi plop down into the rocking chair and he sits down on the bed, across from her. "It was not my intention to upset you. I apologize if I did. I can leave if--"

"No, wait. I'm not mad, Cas. This..." Lexi waves her hands around, motioning to the cabin. "This is just, it wasn't supposed to..." She lets her voice trail off because it doesn't matter that it wasn't supposed to happen like this. This is the way it is, this is what she has, this is her life, and it could be worse. It could be so much worse, it has been worse. "I wanted to ask you something. You said before, that my grace was gone, that Naomi took it when I was in heaven, but I heard Dean... Like how I could before, I felt him panic. I _felt_ it, Cas. I felt him."

"There is no way for me to check, not now, but I suppose one could surmise that a small portion of future-Me's grace remains. When an angel occupies a vessel, their grace, it wraps itself around their hearts and imbeds itself into it's host's soul. It would make sense that some piece would or could still exist inside you. Have there been any other instances?"

"No, it's just been--"

Dean softly knocks on the door and peeks his head in the nursery. "I got the fire goin'."

"Good," she smiles and makes her tone resemble something similar to happy, because she's not sad, just, confused. "I'm starving."

It's obvious to her that Dean knows she's upset, but he lets it go, and both he and Cas follow her out of the cabin into the warm July night air.

Lexi had been digging in a closet the day before and found hotdog skewers and an old [pie iron](http://www.gandermountain.com/modperl/product/details.cgi?pdesc=Cast-Iron-Double-Pie-Iron&i=412143&r=view&cvsfa=2586&cvsfe=2&cvsfhu=343132313433&kpid=412143&gclid=Cj0KEQiA-aujBRDqj772vpGfgooBEiQAzWAZUgxR13L4HSKqUDqgDyJd4OTKs6gqrOVrP9Lswqjz5F0aApSR8P8HAQ). She's got them outside on a saggy old picnic table along with all the necessary fixings. Bobby had told both her and Dean about Cas' new found love for food and since one of Lexi's favorite things growing up back in Minnesota was making supper on the fire, she thought Cas might enjoy it too. 

"I'm supposed to make a pie in this?" Dean wonders apprehensively as he carefully inspects the cast iron plates, in the light of the fire.

Lexi rolls her eyes at Dean. "Just give me minute to help Cas and I'll show you want to do. You'll get your pie, I promise."

"S'gonna be a small pie, Lex." Dean teases while digging his finger into a opened can of apple pie filling.

"Okay, Cas. You put your hotdog on the pointy part here and then all you have to do is hold it over, not in, _over_ the fire. It'll get crispy and hot and then you just put it in the bun with ketchup and pickles or whatever, okay? But don't hold it in the fire, or it'll burn and taste like crap, or it'll fall off and you'll have to start all over again."  Lexi hands him a plate and the hotdog topped skewer.

"This is not how Bobby makes hotdogs," Cas interjects. "His method involves hot water and a kettle."

"This is much better. I promise." Lexi ruffles his dark hair and lets him be, all while praying he doesn't light himself on fire.

"You still wanna do this?" She asks Dean with a smirk.

"If you say I'm gonna get a pie out of this, then hell yeah!"

"So take a piece of bread and butter one side." She hands Dean a piece of bread and takes one for herself. "I'll do one side and you do the other. Then put your piece, butter side down, in the plate, and then pick your filling."

"Apple or cherry? It's a big decision, Lex," he teases some more, pulling an apple out of the can and eating it.

"Go nuts, mix 'em." She laughs at him and reaches up to wipe a smudge of apple pie filling off his face. Lexi gasps quietly when Dean steals her hand and kisses it softly.

"So now what?" Dean kisses her apple pie filling covered finger and then licks his lips clean.

"W-well," Lexi stutters and trips on her words. "Put a spoonful of each in the middle of the bread."

Dean follows her instructions and steals another sticky apple. He bites it in half and offers the leftover half to Lexi. With a grin, she takes it from his fingers, and eats it, while trying to ignore the butterflies in her middle. "Kay, put the other pieces of bread on top, butter side up."

"This is gonna be an apple cherry sandwich, Lex. This is not a pie and I know pie."

"If you don't like it, I'll make you a damn pie, okay?" She elbows Dean gently in the ribs with a smile on her lips that she can't contain." But I swear, you'll like it." Lexi closes the top cast iron plate over the bottom and pinches the clamps closed. "There. Hold it by the handle so the iron is over the fire. Hold it for like three minutes, flip it, hold it for another two, and you'll have your pie."

"If you say so, but I'm still holding you to your promise." Dean winks at Lexi and sits down on the log in front of the fire ring.

"Cas, you about done with those hotdogs?" Lexi asks and grabs a couple hotdog buns.

"Yes. They were very good. Better than Bobby's. Is there any more?" Cas is licking his fingers and looking up at Lexi with huge and innocent eyes, pleading for more hotdogs.

"You ate the whole package? There were a dozen hotdogs in there!" She doesn't mean to laugh at him, but she can't help it.

"Bobby says that I have an unusually hearty appetite. I can not ever seem to get full," Cas announces with a slightly proud and puffed up chest.

"I think there's another package in the fridge, I'll go grab it." Lexi moves to walk toward the back door of the cabin, but stops when Cas calls her name.

"Alexis, Sam and Alex also told me that they would prefer it if you do not use that door when they are sleeping. They say that it makes a squeaking noise that wakes them up."

"Ohhhh kay. Noted. Don't use the back door." Lexi nods her head, still slightly in shock that Castiel has been having actual conversations with her infant sons.

Lexi makes her way around the dark side of the cabin and into the front door. She quickly grabs the second package of hotdogs out of the fridge, decides at the last minute to grab the six pack of beer as well and hurries back around the cabin to the fire ring. She's not a fan of beer with pie, but she knows for a fact Dean is.

Cas is eager to roast more hotdogs and he quickly skewers two and gets them into the fire.

"Make sure you save me one," she warns Cas with a smirk and sits down next to Dean who is very much enjoying his hot cherry apple pie with one hand, and attempting to cook a second one with the other hand.

"Told you they were good, but you forgot a key ingredient." She reaches behind them and grabs a bag of brown sugar and a can of whipped cream. "Usually we put whipped cream on a cherry pie and brown sugar on an apple pie. Which one? It's a big decision." She purposefully mocks Dean's tone from earlier.

"Go nuts, mix 'em."

"How do you not weigh five hundred pounds?" Lexi asks while taking the handle of the pie iron from Dean, so he can eat his cherry-apple-brown-sugar-whipped-cream-pie concoction.

Dean doesn't answer he just smirks around a bulging mouthful of pie.

Cas never did save her a hotdog, he ate the whole second package, and then announced he was going back to Bobby's. Both Lexi and Dean tried to get him to spend the night, telling him he could sleep in the boys' room, but he politely declined the invitation and was quickly on his way.

Lexi and Dean ate their pies in the dark, both staring at the amber flames flicker in the fire ring. Lexi kept thinking about what Cas said about how the boys saw Dean as their father and the longer she thought on it, the more accepting of the idea she was. It still felt a little wrong to let the boys believe Dean was their dad, when in fact Sam was their father, always would be their father, but Cas had made a valid point. She wouldn't be taking anything away from Sam, she'd be giving her boys something they would never ever have other wise.

"Whatchya thinkin' about?" Dean wraps an arm around Lexi's shoulder and pulls her to him.

"Just some stuff Cas said."

"Oh yeah? What did you guys talk about?"

"Nothing," Lexi lies. "I guess he told me he can talk to Sam and Alex. Apparently he's fluent in baby."

"That's all?'

"Yeah," she lies again. For some reason this fear has found it's way into her heart and she's suddenly worried about what Dean would think of Cas' suggestion.

"Lex, I was standing outside the door the whole time. I didn't mean to, but I heard the whole thing." He kisses the side of Lexi's face. "I want whatever you want, okay? You, those boys? All of it. I don't need a title, if you don't want me to have it, but I'll happily take it, if you do. You're right, Sammy's their father and he always will be. I'm good with being Uncle Dean, I swear it." Dean tilts her face and kisses her lips softly. "As long as you want me here, I'm here. Okay?"

She nods her head and smiles up at Dean, then leans back into him. Together, in silence, living a life that they're both strangers to, they sit quietly, and watch the fire. Soon, the fire is just down to coals in the homemade fire ring, and the mosquito are out for blood.

"I'd rather not give a pint of my precious blood to these flying savages. I'll put the fire out, if you bring the pie stuff in the cabin?" Dean asks Lexi after he stands up from his log and stretches his back.

Lexi starts to gather the cans of pie filling and the loaf of bread in her hands. "There still might be enough left here for me to make you that pie."

"Can't argue with that, now can I?" Dean winks at her.

Trying to be quick to avoid the onslaught of mosquitoes, Lexi gathers everything up, except the skewers and pie iron, in her hands, and hurries around to the front of the cabin. After everything is safely on the kitchen counter, she starts to go back around the side of the cabin, but is quickly stopped.

Dean pushes her up against the side of the cabin and kisses her. "Hi," he whispers against her lips.

Feeling those earlier butterflies multiply by the thousands in her belly, Lexi manages a breathy "Hi" back. Before she can say anything else, Dean's lips are back on hers and their kisses take a turn down a road they've not been on yet. His tongue carefully drags over her top lip and instinctively she opens for him. After their tongues barely graze against each other, Lexi can't help but let out a little moan into his mouth, and as soon as she does, Dean pulls away.

Still holding her against the side of the cabin, Dean kisses down her jaw and then works his way to her ear. "You taste like pie. I like pie."

"Convenient, huh?" Lexi chuckles against his face.

"Very," Dean answers in a gritty tone that Lexi's never heard before, and it surprises her that she wants to hear more. "Lex?" His tongue finds hers again and she feels him press her harder into the wood of the cabin.

She pulls away from his kisses, her heart pounding in her chest and her voice breathy. "Yeah?"

"I meant what I said before. As long as you want me here, I'm here. Do you want me here?" He kisses down her neck and gently sucks the thin skin into his mouth. "Do you want me, here?"

The tiny little pause between his words changes the whole context of what he's asking. Lexi nods her head, and murmurs, "Yes. Both."

Dean smiles into the skin of her neck and lets out a small breath, to Lexi he almost sounds relieved. His lips find hers again and his hands move down to her hips, lifting her up and wrapping her legs around his waist. "Woulda been pretty hot against the cabin, but I'd rather not have mosquitoes biting my ass," he groans with a small laugh as he walks both he and Lexi around the cabin and back into the house.

When he drops Lexi on the bed, she laughs at Dean's disdain for mosquitoes, but her mouth is silenced when Dean presses his against it. He tastes apple, she tastes cherry, but then it all combines into a hot, sticky sweet mixture that neither of them can get enough of. It doesn't take long until it's just skin on skin, Dean above Lexi, and nothing else in the world matters.

He kisses her kneecap when he lifts her hips and hooks her legs on his hip bones, but Lexi stops him. "Dean, wait," she breathes and he freezes. She sees a momentary a flash of hesitation move over his face and she reaches up to kisses him. "I just...we have to...I'm not ready for more baby Winchesters to be walking around the house."

It takes a split-second for Lexi's words to register in Dean's mind and then he laughs against her lips while nodding his head. "Sorry, the upstairs brain isn't thinkin' so clear right now." He kisses her. "Be right back."

Cursing himself for leaving his pack of Trojans in the damn weapons bag, Dean jogs, buck naked, through the kitchen and to the living room. It takes him all of about four seconds to find the blue box hidden in the side pocket of the huge army green weapons bag, and about two more seconds to get back into bed. Once things are properly secured over the necessary parts, Dean puts himself back where he was, but now he sees a new look on Lexi's face; hesitation.

Part of him expected this and he'd be lying if he didn't have some of the same feelings running through his veins right now. "Lex," he whispers her name against the hot and flushed skin of her cheek, and plants a small kiss, then nuzzles her hair with his nose. "We don't have to..."

She shakes her head and softly says, "No, it's not that. It's just hard to believe we...you and me...that all of this is happening." She finds his mouth with hers and kisses him. "But I'm glad it is." She moves her hips up against Dean's again, and they both groan. "You saved me." She kisses him again. "Dozens of times. In more ways than one." She lifts her legs up onto Dean's hips. "You've always been there, and now you're here, with me. And I want you, here." She kisses him again and pulls him closer, swallowing the groan that escapes his mouth.

With a small snap of Dean's hips, he closes the distance between him and Lexi. The next while is a blur of hard and soft, skin and heat, fluidity and friction, and they take time to explore each other, to map out uncharted and unfamiliar territories. Dean wants to see it all, he wants to touch and taste everything Lexi is willing to give him, and she hands it all over to him, without question. Each breath she sucks in, every moan, and every cry she lets out, Dean eats it all up, and comes back, starving for more.

The build up, the anticipation, and the rush of something new, piles high on top of the touching and the feeling, with groping hands, pressing, and pulling. When the need, the want, the give and the take, all topple over, all Dean can think about, with his upstairs brain and his downstairs brain, is Lexi. He feels like he's swimming in a sea of Lexi, and he doesn't care that there's not a life boat in sight; he doesn't want it, not for anything.

Dean continues to move, urging Lexi to drown right along side him; around him. And when she does, she clings to him like a vise, like he's her only anchor in the world.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, there is a lot of references back to a previous chapters, chapter 33 in particular. If you need a refresher, and I know I did, please go back and re-read chapter 33, here's the address. http://archiveofourown.org/works/2204937/chapters/5459039
> 
> the Motörhead songs are Nightmare/The Dreamtime & Love Me Forever. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFeoXAMSRwI (Nightmare/The Dreamtime)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZDDUGl54U (Love me forever)

Dean runs his fingers softly up and down Lexi's naked back, and it's only at this moment does he notice the pale pink and silver scars that pepper her shoulder blades and back. He's careful not to touch the larger more jagged ones that look like they'd still be sensitive, because he knows that some of his scars, if touched the wrong way, make him grit his teeth in pain, and causing Lexi pain is the last thing he'd ever want to do.

Lexi's only been in his life now for a handful of years, well, _this_ life anyhow, and he's seen her with some pretty nasty cuts, bruises, and burns, but he's never seen the scars. That's because there hasn't ever been any. The grace, her grace, that they're still not sure is completely gone, kept her safe, it healed her of all wounds - the physical ones at least - and always left her skin and body just the way it was. And since that's the case, Dean can only guess that these scars, the ones under his fingertips, are from before, before her grace, before she came here.

That whole other life that Lexi lived and lost, she doesn't talk about it much, and not that Dean blames her, because he doesn't, he's just never been able to help his curiosity.

When Lexi was gone, Sam and Dean would sometimes drink a little too much and they'd swap stories about what Lexi told them, in a sad little effort to put together pieces of her other life.

Sam shared the story of how his oldest daughter was birthed into the world into Dean's hands in the back of the Impala. Dean told Sam about how they all lived together in house that he built them, just a mile past Singer Salvage, and Sam filled in the blanks about what their home looked like.

With a pale and grief stricken face, Sam described the few details he knew about the night of the fire: Sam, Dean, and Bobby left on a hunt, leaving Lexi and the girls behind. The demon somehow doubled back, eluded the trio of men, and ended up back at the house. The demon, a long lost follower of Yellow Eyes, (this fact added by Dean) tried to restart his predecessor's crusade, and he tried to start it with Sam Winchester's girls. Lexi, like the Winchester matriarch before her, woke up in the middle of the night, knowing something wasn't quite right. With a salt gun in hand, Lexi made her way to her daughters' nursery, and shot the demon on sight, but of course, it hadn't been enough. The nursery burst into flames, Lexi was thrown down the hallway, locked out of her children's nursery, and unable to save her girls. The demon dragged her down the stairs and out of the house, and proceeded to beat her into the ground, almost killing her, while her two children, her life, and her home burned to the ground.

The last part, was something neither Sam nor Dean could ever get a clear view of. Sam was the only person she ever told this part of the story to, and her details were vague at best: Dean killed the demon and saved Lexi, but not before the demon got the best of Sam. Lexi revealed she had been made childless and a widow all in one night, and that was part of her reason for coming back.

Dean was able to add that after Sam's other-self was killed, Lexi was in the hospital, then came home to an apartment that Bobby found for her and Dean. She was cared for and nursed back to health by Dean, but neither of them recovered completely.

It was Sam who had the last and final piece: the day Lexi came to them, to 2007, she'd gotten a call from Bobby. He told Lexi that a handful of hunters found Dean's body, Dean was dead too; the four most important people in her life, gone forever. Apparently the family members left behind; Lexi, Cas, Crowley, and Bobby, just couldn't stand for it, because they all played a part in sending Lexi back to stop it all. And that's how she ended up right where she is right now.

But even after all these years, after everything, Lexi still has her secrets and nobody in this life knows them except for her. Dean doesn't know that the puzzle he and Sam put together has gaping holes and pieces from the wrong puzzle, all held together by white-lies and half-truths. He doesn't know that Lexi left out details of _that_ night, he doesn't know what really happened the night of the fire or the day that other version of himself died. Those are Lexi's secrets, and she'll tell them someday. Maybe.

But for right now, Dean's fingertips continue to roam up and down Lexi's back. He doesn't care about the scars, he doesn't care about the little imperfections; they tell Lexi's story of how she's a warrior, a fighter, how she does the right thing, no matter the cost. Dean thinks she's brave, selfless, strong, and kind, she loves her boys, she loves him, and really that's all that matters.

"Are you ever going to sleep?" Lexi asks sleepily, interrupting Dean's thoughts.

"Maybe? Not exactly tired right now," Dean answers, kissing the soft skin of her shoulder blade.

Lexi rolls over on to her back and smiles up at Dean. "The boys are going to be up soon." She trails one finger down his chest, making a gentle circle around his anti-possession tattoo and tracing the sculpted muscles of his pecs and upper abs.

Dean checks the digital clock on his nightstand and grabs a condom out of the blue box on his end table. "We've got time," he answers roughly with a wink.

"But we just... How can you possibly want to... After that? It's been like two hours!" Lexi laughs at Dean as he throws the sheets off and climbs on top of her.

"Are you doubting my resilience? My endurance? My strength? My top-notch, lightening quick ninja moves?" Dean grins dangerously while he pins Lexi to the bed, kissing her neck and jaw, accenting his every word with a lick or a nibble.

"Never," she shakes her head with mock seriousness, working hard to hide the smile on her lips. "You're faster than a speeding bullet, Dean," her words and tone echo the voice of Jackson Beck, the narrator for the vintage Superman cartoon. "More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! The amazing stranger from Lawrence, Kansas. The man of steel--"

Dean cuts her off with a kiss, still pinning her tightly to the bed. "You're pretty good at that."

"I'm pretty good at a lot of things." Lexi grins up at Dean, mirroring his dangerous grin.

"Oh, yeah?"

With a quick movement and a small shocked grunt from Dean, Lexi flips him off of her, so he's flat on his back, and so she's straddling his hips. She smiles down on him proudly. "Oh, yeah."

"I was NOT expecting that." Dean lifts her hips and lines himself up, then pulls her down and around him.

"No?" Lexi moans, rolling her hips slowly over Dean. "What about your top-notch, lightening quick ninja moves?"

Dean groans and his hands tighten around her hips. "They're a little busy right now."

*//*

The warm South Dakota summer goes out just as quickly as it came in, and is followed by what Bobby calls "a mild winter" but Dean is never convinced. Sure, it doesn't get quite as cold as it did the winter he stayed in Minnesota, but it's still damn cold. Dean Winchester is _not_ an Eskimo.

He resigns himself to having to get a job. The little bit of money he has doesn't go far and he knows he can't play the credit card fraud game anymore, so he does what he has to do and because he's Dean Winchester, he does it well. That's just who he is. He has a family now; he's got Lexi, and two boys at home, so he takes pride in what he does, he takes pride in providing for his family.

For the winter, he parks his baby at Bobby's house, tucks her shiny black body in, all safe and sound, and drives the Scottsdale back and forth to his construction job in Sioux Falls everyday. It isn't his baby, the Scottsdale doesn't purr quite right and he feels too high off the ground when he drives the truck, but it has a 350 engine and a good set of snow tires, so Dean treats her with care.

Finally, after what seems like the longest winter in the history of the winters in the world, spring starts to peek it's head out. Dean itches to get the Impala back out on the road, but heeds Lexi's gentle warnings that there's always that one last snow storm before spring finally comes.

-

April 2011

Dean picked up a shift on Lexi's actual birthday, but he's more than prepared to make up for it. As always, Dean Winchester has a plan.

"Hey, Lex? Can I come in?" Dean asks while knocking on the door of the bathroom. The boys are down for a nap, which now that they're almost a year old, is a full-time job in itself, and Lexi is in the tub having a "Calgon Take Me Away" moment.

"Yeah." She murmurs back to him and he walks inside.

She's got about a thousand candles lit, some girl music playing on an old tape player, and a washcloth draped over her eyes. There's bubbles up to her neck, a glass of wine balancing carefully on the edge of the tub, next to a bowl of cut up peaches and strawberries.

He kneels down next to the tub and starts to strategically move the bubbles. "You know, those peaches would be much better in a pie."

In a prissy British accent, she answers, "I am extremely busy at the moment, Sir Winchester. I have no room for pie making in my schedule (she pronounces it Shed-ule) today." And she jokingly sends him away with a flick of her wrist.

The washcloth hides her eyes, but Dean can see the smile forming on her mouth. He takes a strawberry, rubs it on her lips and after she lets him put it in her mouth, he kisses her. "I'll let you get back to your jam packed and apparently British schedule, but I just wanted to let you know the boys are going to Bobby's tonight. For the weekend."

Immediately the washcloth comes off and the relaxed look from her face is gone. "I'm sorry, I thought you just said the boys are going to Bobby's for the weekend?"

"Oh, I did." Dean smirks as he stands up from the floor and pops a peach into his mouth, then immediately regrets it. The peach is definitely not the right texture, it's missing a soft and tender, flaky crust, and about two cups of sugar. "Cas'll be there and Bobby's house is warded like Area 51, they'll be perfectly fine there for two nights. Bobby promised he'd put the guns and the sharp and pointys up past shoulder height. He even bought a gate for the stairs and Cas is putting those little plastic plug-in things in all the outlets. Lex, they'll be fine."

"But they've never been away from us. They're not even a year old!" Lexi stands up from the tub, clearly her Calgon Moment has passed.

Dean wraps her in a big towel and scoops her up out of the tub. "They'll be fine. Cas'll know if anything's wrong and he'll know exactly what they want. He told me he is, and I quote," Dean clears his throat and speaks in a perfect Cas accent 'very pleased to spend the entire weekend providing care for the two Winchester children'." Dean laughs at himself. "Plus, you can call and check on them everyday."

Lexi frowns up at Dean while he carries her down the hall and into their bedroom. "Can I ask why you're sending our boys away for the weekend?"

Her choice of pronouns is not lost on Dean and it makes him pause for a second. She just called baby Sam and Alex, 'our boys'.

The boys, they've just started to babble, and Dean's always been hesitant to give himself a title, since Lexi's never done it herself. It's always been "Open wide for Dean," when he would feed the boys their gross little jars of strained green beans by doing the choo-choo train, or "Where's Dean?" when he played Peek-A-Boo with them. He never minded being referred to as "Uncle Dean" in fact, he was proud to even wear that title, and he meant what he said to Lexi when they first moved into the cabin: he was there as long as she wanted him to be there and he'd take any title she was willing to give him.

Dean can hardly hold back the honored and proud smile that smears itself across his face, not that he'd want to for even a second. " _Our_ boys?" He repeats after he puts Lexi down on the bed and sits down next to her.

Lexi lets out a heavy sigh and for a second, Dean thinks it was a slip of the tongue, that she didn't mean it, but then she says, "Sam's their father and he always will be, but Cas was right. Having them call you 'dad' it isn't taking away from Sam, it's you giving them something that they'd never have otherwise."

"Really?" Dean asks, even though he doesn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Are you sure, you don't have to."

Lexi beams up at Dean, "I'm very sure. They've always been your boys. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. They'll always be Sam's sons, but they're yours too." Dean watches as her smile fades away and the sad face that he hates to see, takes it's place. "And as much as I wish and pray that Sam would be able to come back...he can't. I tried, I really did. He was supposed to--"

Hey, Lex," Dean interrupts her, wanting anything to take that look off her face. "I know you did, I know you tried. Don't beat yourself up, okay? It's not going to change anything. I don't want to take Sam's place, ever. There's no way I could ever even come close. I know I'm not your first choice, I know I'm not Sa--"

"What?" Lexi looks at Dean like he's crazy. "What do you mean you're not my first choice? Where the hell did that come from?"

Dean can tell Lexi's almost offended by his choice of words and he tries to fix it. "I just mean that you didn't come back here to be with me, I know you came back her to be with Sam. I just---"

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Lexi bolts up from the bed, yanks on a pair of jeans, pulls a shirt over her head, and stomps out of the room.

By the time Dean figures out what just happened, he hears the front door slam and the engine of the Scottsdale fire up. After he practically runs to the bedroom door, he sees that the truck is still there, just idling with Lexi sitting in the driver's seat, and he can hear Motörhead's _Nightmare/The Dreamtime_ blasting through the speakers. Dean knows it's probably not exactly what she wants to hear, but it's what he left in the tape deck, so that's what she went with.

Dean peeks into the nursery to check on the boys and they're still out cold, snoring their little baby snores, with their dark brown hair in their eyes. Alex still likes to sleep with his butt up in the air and despite the mess Dean's just made with Lexi, he still lets out a small chuckle at the sight of the sleeping boys. He carefully closes the nursery door behind him, steals the baby monitor off the kitchen table, and makes his way to the truck.

He meant what he said when he thought of himself as not being Lexi's first choice, he thinks that it's obvious because she it was Sam that Lexi came back for, it was Sam that she was married to, it was Sam she had children with - in the present and in her past - Dean thinks it's perfectly clear and he's okay with it.

He always has been.

-

Lexi doesn't think she's ever been this mad.

Ever.

Sure, she was mad when she saw Sam in bed with Ruby, but that had been mostly been fear and betrayal, not just anger, but right now, she's seething mad. 

It was what Dean said, that he was "her second choice" that made her flee from the comfort of their bedroom, from the four walls of the cabin they called home, and seek refuge in the first thing that looked safe: the Scottsdale. She sits on the seat and breathes in the smell that has always smelled like home to her, except now it's laced with the scent of Dean. His smell calms and comforts her, just like has since she's known him, but it pushes her deeper into her anger at the same time. 

Needing something to drown out the anger in her head, needing something, just some noise, she turns the key in the ignition. She doesn't turn the engine on to run away, or to leave, she just needed to hear something.

Once the truck is turned on and some random Motörhead song comes blasting through the speakers, her first instinct is to shut it off and go back to listening to the comforting sound of her precious Scottsdale's engine, but she doesn't. She rests her head against the steering wheel and lets Lemmy's whiskey rough voice sound in her ears and she just breathes, working to calm herself. It only lasts a minute and then Dean knocks on the window.

She jumps out of the truck so quickly she doesn't shut the door behind her, and ignores the look on Dean's face, she just starts in on him. "You really think you're my second choice?" She yells at him."You really think that low of yourself? I could have gone home, Dean! I could have left all of this behind, I could have left YOU behind! BUT I DIDN'T! I CHOSE YOU!"

"Lex, I know you did, but--"

"NO! There's no _buts_ , Dean. How can you think that about yourself? Those stupid bastards told me when I came back here that I would change everything, even the things that I didn't mean to change! And in this life, it was you. It was you that I fell in love with, it was you who saved me time and time again! You were always there!" Lexi lets out a heavy and pained sigh and tries hard to calm herself, so she can stop screaming at Dean. "Dean, I chose you. I _choose_ you. I don't understand how you can think any different..."

"But you came back here for him, for Sam. You came back to save your husband. He was your--"

"No, I came back to save both--"

"Will you just let me say this? Please," Dean begs.

Lexi opens her mouth to tell him there isn't anything to say, to tell him that he's wrong, whatever he's going to say, but the look on Dean's face tells her to give him this, to give him the chance to say what he needs to say. And she does.

"I know you say I'm not your second choice, Lex, I swear, I hear what you're sayin', but that doesn't change the fact that Sam was your husband. If he weren't gone right now, you'd be with him. You wouldn't be with me."

Lexi shakes her head, "No, Dean, I wouldn't be with Sam. How could I be? He chose Ruby over and over and over again. He didn't want me. He picked her."

"But that was the demon blood! He chose Ruby because she poisoned him, she--

"No, it wasn't!" Lexi yells at Dean, with tears falling down her face. "It wasn't just the demon blood. Did he tell you that I got rid of it? Because I did! Somehow I used my angel grace and wiped him clean! Did he tell you that?"

Dean shakes his head and wipes tears that now fall from his cheeks.

"It was gone and then he picked her, again. He told me he was the one who tore down the warding at the bar that night, he told me it was him who told Ruby where I was. He swore to me, ON MY GIRLS, that he didn't do it, and he lied! And Ruby," Lexi growls the demon's name so hard it almost hurts her throat. "She took me to hell, she tried to kill me and he...he just let her! He told me he did it all, but I didn't care. I told him it didn't matter, that it was still him and me, no matter what, and he left with her anyway. He chose her, he didn't want me." She lets her head hang down and a sob falls from her mouth, but she doesn't care. "I don't mean to talk badly about him, because I do wish he was here and that he was safe. I'd do anything if knew it would get him out of where he is right now, but if he were here, I wouldn't be with him. How could I be after what he did?"

Dean pulls Lexi to his chest and they silently cry together.

"I choose you, Dean, and I'll tell you that a million times over again until you believe me," she whispers into his chest.

"I believe you and I'm so sorry," Dean answers back tearfully in her hair. "I'm sorry."

"Its okay, you didn't know. And even if you did... It doesn't matter, I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't...I should have yelled at you."

"It's okay, Lex. It's gonna be okay."

The stand together next to the Scottsdale and just hold each other while the next Motörhead song plays on stereo.

 _Love me forever, or not at all._  
_End of our tether, backs to the wall._  
_Give me your hand,_  
_Don't you ever ask why,_  
_Promise me nothing, live 'till we die._

"Lex?" Dean asks after what feels like a lifetime later.

"Yeah?"

"You know I love you, right?"

She looks up at Dean and kisses him. "I know. I love you too. Always have."

"Good."

"So, I ask again." She pulls away from Dean and puts her hands on her hips. "Why are _our_ boys going to Bobby's tonight?" Lexi smirks up at Dean and reaches around to shut the Scottsdale off.

Dean lets out a relieved sigh. "I have a surprise planned for you and it requires a kid-free weekend. You in?"

She sees he's got that mischievous Dean Winchester grin on his face. "If I asked what that entails, would you tell me?"

"Not a chance."

"Figured."

"You pack 'em up, and I'll drive 'em to Bobby's, then the weekend can commence."

"I can't come with?"

"No can do. It's part of the surprise."

"Alright, fine," Lexi sighs with mock exasperation, then lets out a squeal of shock when Dean hoists her up, and tosses her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "What the hell are you doing?" She laughs and smacks Dean's ass as he walks them back into the cabin.

He swats her ass a couple times, in return. "Birthday spankings."

"Don't you dare! Dean! I can get out of this, you know that right?" She's laughing so hard, she can hardly breathe, while trying to wiggle herself out of Dean's grip.

Dean chuckles. "I don't think you will, not this time."

"And why is that?" She retorts with a breathless laugh.

He spanks her ass again. "'Cause I got top-notch, lightening quick ninja moves."

-

An hour later, Lexi's watching Dean buckle the boys in their car seats in the Scottsdale and waves as they drive down the driveway. Her mind lost in thought, wondering what Dean's got planned for their child-free weekend, she turns to go back inside the cabin to eagerly await Dean's return, but before she makes it into the threshold of the cabin something grabs her by the waist and yanks her backwards. She immediately smells sulfur and feels a hot breath mixed with a rough and scruffy cheek on her face.

"Hello, Poppet. Did you miss me?"


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics from Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker's Here Comes My Girl. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4nPa35CZPI
> 
> Also, a HUGE thank you goes out to my pal and partner in crime, lady_ataralasse, who is doing a _spectaculacular ___job at being my muse. :)

"You said what?" Bobby asks Dean like Dean is the biggest moron in the world. "Did she smack you upside your head? 'Cause if she didn't, I'm gonna," he jokingly threatens Dean, extra heavy on the eye roll.

Dean and Bobby are standing outside, drinking a beer, and leaning against the Scottsdale, while Cas is in Bobby's house with the boys. Dean just told Bobby about the argument he and Lexi had before he drove to Bobby's and it's just been made clear to Dean that Bobby is 'Team Lexi'.

"I never thought it was a big deal. It didn't bother me. She loves me and I'm lucky to have her, I just thought that since she came back to save Sammy... That I was... Never mind, you're both right, the record's been set straight." He holds his hands up in mock surrender and laughs while dodging Bobby's attempts to cuff him along side his head.

"You're damn right it's been straight, ya idjit. And you did this on the day she tells you that those boys are like your own?"

Dean watches Bobby shake his head. "How in the hell did you know about that?"

"Who in the hell do you think she talks to all day when you're up at work?"

"You?" Dean asks in disbelief.

"That's right. _Me_. She's been tryin' to find the right way to tell you for weeks now. I been tellin' her just to come out with it, that you didn't need some fancy sorta ceremony, but she's just as pigheaded as every other Winchester I've ever known."  Bobby shakes his head and smirks around his last swallow of beer.

"So... What else does she say about me?" Dean asks with a half-grin. Of course he's curious.

"Oh, right, like I'm gonna tell you. Now get your ass home and give that girl a proper birthday! What do ya got planned for her anyhow, or do I even want to know?" Bobby laughs some more at Dean and takes his empty beer bottle.

"A little of this, a little of that. Pickin' up her favorite food, wine...you know the drill." Dean slides into the Scottsdale and turns the key in the ignition.

"I'm vaguely familiar." Bobby answers while rolling his eyes and closing the truck's door behind Dean. "See you two Sunday, after lunch. Cas and I'll bring the boys back home. Kay?"

"Don't let Cas give them any chocolate or anything, alright? Lex'll lose her damn mind."

"No chocolate, got it."

-

The first place Dean stops after he leaves Singer Salvage is at a jewelry store. He has no idea what to get Lexi, but hopes that once he gets inside, something will reach out and grab him, or at the very least the person working behind the jewelry counter will be able to point him in the right direction.

Inside the store, the jewelry cases are shaped like a 'U' and the twenty-something girl behind the counter is helping an elderly couple, so Dean just decides to start at one end of the 'U' and work his way around.

Lexi doesn't have much jewelry; the golden wedding band she still wears on her left hand, the opal necklace and the engagement ring Sam gave her, but she never wears them. As far as Dean knows, they've been in her end table drawer since the day they came to live at the cabin. He wishes she'd at least wear the opal necklace, since it is an anti-possession charm, but she doesn't. 

The necklaces and bracelets in the jewelry store seem out of the question, since baby Sam and Alex have turned into grabby little munchkins that like to wrap their slobbery little fists around anything and pull themselves up. Lexi's long hair seems to be their favorite thing to grab on to and yank, since they prefer to climb all over her like a Jungle Jim, so yes, necklaces and bracelets are a definite no.

There's a pair of square shaped stud earrings with bright blue stones that catch Dean's attention. He's never seen her wear earrings before, but that's probably because earrings weren't high on her list of things to pack when she came back to 2007, and because over the last few years, she's never had any reason to buy them. The sparkling blue stones, that are near replicas of Lexi's eyes, seem perfect and Dean decides they are a definite maybe. 

He passes a case of rings and at any other time in his life he would have avoided the ring cases like the plague, but this time he takes a second and just looks.

A ring was not what he had in mind, he just got the idea of getting her something special while he was at work last week and when you think of something special, plus birthdays, plus your girl, the most obvious conclusion is jewelry.

"Are you looking to buy a ring with diamonds or a diamond ring?" The blonde haired sales girl asks, as she walks up behind the counter directly across from Dean.

"Is there a difference?"

The sales girl laughs. "Yes, a big difference. Why don't you tell me what kind of girl you're buying for today. What kind of jewelry does she wear? Does she like gold or silver? What's the occasion?"

Dean shifts from foot to foot awkwardly. "Umm... It's her birthday. She doesn't really wear jewelry, just a gold band." He touches his left ring finger.

"Oh, so you're married? She wears a wedding band?"

"No, not married." Dean answers quickly and shakes his head. "She's...uh..." _Her husband died three years from now_. _He's my brother, from the future._ "She's widowed."

"I see," the sales girl says with a soft and kind tone. "Well, I saw you were looking at the earrings over there. Are you thinking more toward that, or the rings? What kind of message are you trying to send her?"

 _I love you, I love our boys, I get it now that I'm not second best, even though I'm Dean Winchester and I always think the worst. Happy Birthday, Lex. Screw the food and wine, we're goin' in the bedroom?_   "Well, just that I love her. So what's the difference between a ring with diamonds and a diamond ring?" Dean looks at her name tag. " 'Cause, Maria, I gotta tell you, they sure sound like the same thing to me."

"A ring with diamonds is just a ring with diamonds, but a diamond ring...that usually means you're proposing, and I don't think that's why you came in here today, is it?"

If Dean were being honest, he'd say no, but he'd also say that he can't imagine being with anyone else.

"If you're not wanting diamonds," Maria adds when Dean takes too long to answer. "I do have rings with other stones. Were you looking at the sapphire earrings or the garnets?"

"The blue ones."

"Sapphires," Maria the sales girl confirms. "Do you know what size ring she wears?"

Dean sticks out his pinkie finger. "Her ring comes down to here." He points to just below his second knuckle. 

Lexi only takes the gold band off her finger when she puts on that rain smelling lotion after she showers or takes a bath. Dean once picked up the tiny gold band off the bathroom counter top and looked at it. It seemed so small, so simple, but he knew, still knows, the significance behind it. It's all Lexi has from her old life, just this tiny part of her-Sam. Curiosity got the best of him that day and he slipped the ring on his pinky finger and was barely able to fit it past his knuckles.

"That's not exactly an accurate way to size a ring, but I think I can make it work." She measures Dean's finger with a ring sizer. "Do you have a price point?"

After saying a price that feels far too low to Dean, Maria smiles and starts to pull out boxes of rings, but Dean's not watching her. It took him two point nine seconds to find the [perfect ring.](http://images.shaneco.com/is/image/ShaneCo/ring/570/oval-kentucky-blue-sapphire-ring-in-sterling-silver-and-rose-gold_41062969_M.jpg)

"What about that one?"

"Very nice. Sterling silver and rose gold. Just shy of a half carat of sapphire. Not a diamond ring, not a ring with diamonds, just a ring to tell her that you love her and it's under your price point, too. Should I box up the earrings as well?"

"Nice try, but no." Dean chuckles. "This'll be it."

After paying for the ring, Dean tucks the little blue box in his jacket pocket. He then stops at a couple places; flower store for a bouquet of white lilies and gerber daisies, their favorite Chinese place for plenty of Lexi's favorite Chinese take-out, (so they don't have to cook anything for the rest of the weekend) and the liquor store for two bottles of wine.

On the drive back to the cabin, Dean pops in a random mix tape he has on the floor of the Scottsdale and the first song that comes on is a scratchy tune of Tom Petty's.

 _You know, sometimes, I don't know why,_  
_But this old town just seems so hopeless_  
_I ain't really sure, but it seems I remember the good times_  
_Were just a little bit more in focus_.  
  
_But when she puts her arms around me,_  
_I can, somehow, rise above it_  
_Yeah man, when I got that little girl standing right by my side,_  
_You know, I can tell the whole wide world, and shout it._

_Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,  
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight._

The lyrics, the wine, the flowers, and the ring; they all feel like they're doing something to Dean. Like all those layers he's built up around himself are slowly chipping away and he's getting closer to that guy Lexi talked about that day on the river.

"Will you marry me?" The words fall from his mouth to only the windshield and the empty space in the truck. Then he shakes his head and rolls his eyes; he takes it back. "Why the hell does that sound so dumb? Hey, Lex, bought you this ring. It's not a diamond ring or a ring with diamonds, whatever the hell that means, it's just..."

The idea of marriage, has always given Dean the jeebs, but that's only because he never thought it was possible. He never thought he'd find a girl that he could share his life with: someone he could be honest with and not lie to everyday about what he was doing and where went, but like Bobby said, Lexi knows this life, she's lived it.

The more Dean thinks about it, the more he can't imagine not being with Lexi. He can't imagine not hearing her laugh, or not hearing her sing in the shower, or not waking up with her long hair in his face; he can't imagine his life any other way.

Dean keeps driving down the road, back to the cabin with a huge grin on his face the whole way. He tries the words again. "Lex, will you marry me?"

Somehow it doesn't sound dumb anymore.

It sounds perfect.

_Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,  
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight._

_*//*_

Less than an hour later, Dean drives the Scottsdale up to the cabin. As soon as he puts the truck in park and steps out, flowers, food, and wine in hand, he knows something's wrong: the feeling gets stronger with every step he takes toward his home.

He throws everything in his hands to the ground and reaches for the gun in his inside jacket pocket, then he starts to run, but it's like he can't move fast enough. Call it hunter's intuition, call it whatever the hell you want, Dean knows something's wrong: he knows it's Lexi. Thousands of scenarios run through his brain as he sprints toward the cabin; Lexi dead, Lexi hurt, demons, ghosts, Lexi dead, vamps, angels, Lexi dead. It's all he can think about.

After he kicks in the front door, the first thing he sees is the hardwood floor in front of him cracked and broken, and he can see all the way down to the foundation of the little cabin. He can see the broken devil's trap.

"LEX!" Dean yells for her while his eyes dart around the main living space of the cabin. The first thing his eyes land on is Crowley, the second is Lexi slumped over on her hands and knees, at Crowley's his feet.

"Well, look at what the Hellhounds dragged in! We were wondering when you were going to show up," Crowley purrs. "I feel it's only fair to warn you that my Juliet is just to your left and if you try anything Winchester-like, she'll turn you into her new chew toy, but you know all about that, don't you?"

Just as the words fall out of Crowley's mouth, Dean feels a hot and humid breath against his upper left arm. He does know all about that, he's felt that hot breath before. Dean knows it's a Hellhound.

"Her deal is gone. You can't take her!" Dean yells. "Future you, a less douchie version of you, cancelled it out. There's no deal!"

"That's what I hear, but I wasn't privy to this: I had no idea. Where's your proof? Mrs. Winchester here, or is it 'Garrison' now, since the hubby's gone? Or are you just going to keep Winchester since she's just slutted on to the next Win---"

"You shut your mouth, or so help me God, I will shut it for you!" Dean roars.

But Crowley just smirks. "No little brother to back you up this time? Nope, I hear they're _both_ in the cage now. It's just you and the missus...but not _your_ missus. My sources, however, tell me you've been thinking about changing that, making it official."

Lexi's head pops up with wide eyes looking at Dean. "What?"

"I said, no talking, pet," Crowley growls. "I'm a lover, not a fighter, but don't make me show you what happens when you can't behave."

Dean feels his blood boil when he sees Crowley smooth aside Lexi's sweaty hair. "You hold her contract, look at it. Crowley two-point-oh---"

"I've heard the story several times now, Squirrel. I don't need to hear it again."

"Squirrel?"

"Yes, I've had a look inside this morsel's lovely little mind," Crowley continues to smooth Lexi's hair, pets her like an animal. "And I've seen all kinds of interesting things. Apparently I call you "Squirrel" in days to come, but I don't think I'll be calling Sam "Moose." That is a shame, the nickname is rather fitting. No need to dwell on the past though, we all know you two haven't been." Crowley winks at Dean and then looks down at Lexi. "Come on darling, stand up."

Dean watches Lexi stand. Her chest rises and falls. Her breaths heavy with fear and adrenaline, but she does what Crowley says.

"Arms out, poppet."

Again, Lexi does what Crowley asks and Dean sees her wince in pain and breathe in a tight breath when black symbols appear on her arms and every piece of skin visible. "What the hell is that?" Dean growls his words.

"Hell's gone green. Much less paper waste. A little something I did after I took over Hell. Waste not, want not, and all."

"So it's all right there, her deal? It's null."

"On the contrary, actually. C'mon Juliet," Crowley sweetly addresses his Hellhound sweetly. "Time to go home with Daddy, and we'll have a guest. Be gentle with her now."

Lexi's eyes grow wide and she looks at Dean, but he swears she shakes her head, like she's trying to tell him not to do something. Then, right before his eyes he sees Lexi's long braid rise up from the small of her back, presumably in the Hellhound's mouth, and she gets tugged backward. Dean knows he needs to do something, but what? If he tries the exorcism, that won't get rid of the Hellhound and he doesn't have Ruby's knife, no holy water.

"Juliet, _CESSA! STOP!_ " Lexi screams when she almost falls backward.

Dean watches her braid fall.

"Oh, poppet," Crowley moans. "You _are_ a special one aren't you? How do you know that word?"

"I know Latin, dumbass."

"Of course you do, love."

"I can also read this chicken scratch." Lexi touches the black marks on her skin. "And this part, right here." She points to a squiggle on the top of her hand. "I know what it says. 'A deal's a deal,' isn't that your motto? This little mark here, is in your handwriting, and it says my deal is null and void."

"So it seems." Crowley smirks after taking a closer look at the mark in question.

"So, unless you want me to gut your precious Juliet, I suggest you leave."

"And pray tell, how are you going to do that, poppet?"

Lexi pulls out her version of Ruby's knife from the waistband of her jeans. "With this."

"My, aren't you prepared? Don't be foolish, love. All it'll take is---" The hardwood floor explodes next to Crowley and he jumps backward, but that Crowley smile is still there, regardless of his stumble. "Still got a bit of that angel juice swimming inside of you, I see. Well, it's going to take a whole lot more than some wood to make me run away."

Dean can see now that Lexi is shaking and he doesn't know if it's because she's scared or if the grace, that she apparently still has, is doing something to her, or what it is, but she's definitely shaking. 

"One more little move backward and you'll go right into that window and the frame is full of salt. I know, I know, glass and salt won't hurt you, but it'll sure fuck up your paint job, you ponce."

"Darling, you're not British. Ponce doesn't exactly become you."

"You're not British either, _Fergus_. And while we're on the subject of morons who sell their souls for an extra three inches of willy...Juliet, love," Lexi mocks Crowley's choice in pet names, "S _ucumbe_."

He can't see it, but Dean feels the floor underneath his feet vibrate and a small whirl of dust flutters up into the air. "Uh, Lex? Did you just make that thing lay down?"

Lexi ignores him. "Dean there's a bag in the pantry. Will you get it for me, please?"

With wide eyes, Dean takes a hesitant step backward toward the pantry, and when he sees that Lexi's command to the Hellhound actually works, he hustles to the pantry and finds a burlap sack. 

"Since when do you lie about deals, anyway?" Lexi asks with suspicious eyes. "You're usually a demon of your word."

"Since, you, my prize, is this good." Crowley smirks back at her.

Dean looks in the bag. "Salt, matches, lighter fluid, and what the hell? Are these bones?"

"Why don't you ask Fergus? They're his."

"Oh, poppet, where did you find those?"

"Hunting buddy of my uncle Mark took a little trip Scotland and dug 'em up for me. You can have them back if you want, but I want this shit off my body and same goes for Bobby too, and you can leave the part on him about his legs."

"And why would I do something like that?"

"If you don't, Dean will burn them and you'll go to the Great Demon Place In The Sky...or where ever the hell demons go."

"That's an old wives tale. Burning demon's bones doesn't work like that, love."

"I happen to know otherwise. I'm from the future, remember?"

At this point Dean couldn't be more proud of Lexi. Her soul? Bobby's soul? Besting Crowley? Dean's beyond impressed.

Crowley lets out an annoyed sigh, "You have yourself a deal, love. Hand over the goods, darling." He holds out his hand.

"Bobby's contract. Get rid of it."

Crowley snaps his fingers. "Done."

"Dean, call Bobby and double check."

Quickly Dean pulls out his phone and calls Bobby.

"So, love, how did you get future me to take back our arrangement. Was I not satisfied?" Crowley winks at Lexi.

"Spoilers." Lexi smirks proudly at Crowley.

"Lex, Bobby says he's good."

"See, a deal's a deal, poppet. Now if you please, I believe you have something of mine. My bones for Bobby's soul."

Lexi holds out her arms and scoffs impatiently. "I believe you're forgetting something."

"Nothing gets past you, does it, love?" Crowley reaches out his hand and runs his fingertips softly down Lexi's shoulders, to the inside of her elbows, and down to the palms of her hands. Then he caresses her face and kisses her.

"You didn't seem so eager to get to first base with Bobby!" Dean yells after he sees the black markings on her skin disappear.

The King of Hell pulls away from Lexi and snickers just a little bit. "That's how we seal deals, Squirrel," he tells Dean with mock innocence, then he turns back to Lexi. "You would have been a lovely prize, poppet. If you need anything," Crowley smirks and raises an eyebrow suggestively. "Anything at all, you know where to find me. Same terms apply." He walks over to Dean, snatches the burlap sack from his hands and right before their eyes, Crowley's gone.

Lexi hits the floor, unconscious.

This is not the birthday Dean had planned for Lexi.

*//*

After Crowley disappeared, Dean made a thick salt line in front of the door and carried Lexi into their bed. Everything smells like sulfur and Lexi's breathing is so slow. Dean counts only five or six of his own breaths to her one. She's sweaty and clammy under his fingers, but at least she's breathing. That's all that counts.

As she sleeps in Dean's arms, all he can think about is that day they all went to Superior to clean out the vamp nest. It took her so long to recoup, she was weak for months, and Dean is worried this is going to be the same. Maybe worse.

She's not moved at all, but Dean keeps dabbing away the sweat on her forehead and her cheeks. He kisses her forehead softly and tells her that she's okay, that he'll keep her safe, that their boys are safe, and that she should sleep as long as she needs to. Even though he secretly hopes she'll wake up right then.

Two hours later, she whispers his name and he can't stop the smile that spreads across his face. "Heya Lex."

"What happened?"

"You don't remember anything?"

"No," Lexi whispers as she rolls over, presses her face into Dean's chest, and wraps her hand around the amulet hanging around his neck. "You brought the boys to Bobby's and then...nothing. What happened?"

"Crowley was here. Apparently you were supposed to pay in full today."

Lexi groans.

"Is it all comin' back now?"

She nods her head, but stays silent. 

"How you feeling?"

"Tired. Just...tired. Are you okay? Bobby?"

"I'm good." Dean kisses the top of her head. "Everyone's fine. Just sleep, okay?"

"What he said about...us. It isn't true, you know that, right? I didn't just "slut" up to the next Winchester."

"God, no! I know that. I know."

"Kay."

"Hey Lex?"

"Yeah?" She murmurs sleepily.

"You were pretty bad ass back there."

She lets out a little laugh. "Thanks. I learned from the best."

After a little while, when Dean knows Lexi's not sleeping (he can tell by how she's breathing) he asks her something that he's been thinking for two hours now. "You knew, didn't you?"

"Knew what?"

"He was coming. That today was the day. Even though your-Crowley threw out the deal, you knew he'd come."

Lexi sighs. "Yeah. I called Bobby and asked him to take the boys, told him to make it seem like your idea. It just worked out that you had the birthday thing planned. And before you even think it, I didn't call Sam and Alex "our boys" because I thought I was going to die today. I've been trying to tell you for months now, I just didn't know how."

"I know, Bobby told me."

"God, Bobby keeps secrets like a twelve year-old girl."

Dean smiles against the top of Lexi's head, but there's another question he's been wanting to ask. "How did you know about Crowley's bones."

"You and Sam went to Scotland to get them, before, to get Bobby out of his deal. Are you mad?"

"No... I just wish you would have told me."

"I was worried you'd go all 'I'm Dean Winchester and this is my pointy knife' and Crowley...he plays better with people who have...finesse."

"You sayin' I don't have finesse?" Dean teases.

Lexi laughs softly, her laugh playful, but weak, too. "Not the kind that Crowley wants."

"You didn't want me to know because you were worried I'd kill him, right?"

After a heavy sigh Lexi whispers, "Yeah."

"He's a demon, Lex."

"Someday he won't be."

"You don't know that, you can't, not now." When Lexi doesn't say anything, Dean continues. "You have to tell me what happened. You need to tell me the things that happened before you came here. If I don't know, I can't keep you safe."

 "Not right now, Dean. I just...I'm so tired."

"Okay. Just sleep. I'll be right here."


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Borrowed a line from Chuck, you'll know which one.

There wasn't always misunderstanding and unfaithfulness between Sam and Lexi. It wasn't always tears and blood and fear and death. Sam and Lexi together, in another life, were once beautiful, destined for a lifetime of love and family and safety. There was a time where there was an actual Winchester home, filled with love and laughter and family. There was hope and contentment in all their lives. Sam and Lexi, their two girls, and Dean, they weren't just together, they _lived_.

And when it was all brutally ripped and torn away from Lexi, her friends, though really they were the most loyal family a girl could ask for, they rallied behind her and vowed to do everything they could to make it right. Just one month after the day she lost her husband and her two children, just hours after Dean was found dead, Lexi set off on a journey to save her family.

Nothing turned out like she planned. She didn't save Dean from hell, she didn't save Sam, and that's something she'll carry around with her until the day she dies, but she did get to see Sam again. Even though that younger version of Sam wasn't her-Sam, she still loved him fiercely. She still wanted to be with him, wanted to keep him safe, and somehow forge a new path for her family. And even though she didn't succeed in saving the man she loved for so many years of her life, she got a second chance to at least try, which is a gift most people are never given.

Not many people in the world are reunited with their dead family members. Not many people travel back in time to prevent catastrophes from ever happening, but the Winchesters were never normal, no matter how hard they tried, and Lexi was no exception. With the help of an angel and a demon, she then called 'family,' she traveled back in time and was reunited with her husband, Sam, and her best friend, Dean. In doing so she defied all odds, defied the natural order of things, but she did it.

When Lexi saw Sam duct taped to that motel room chair, his face bloodied and full of shock, it was hard for Lexi to remember her mission, but she did. Just like the Winchester brothers always taught her, _eliminate the threat_ , Lexi extinguished the risk that Kubrick and Creedy posed, and that was her first step into changing the past. It wasn't supposed to be the first change, but it was all she had.

Of course, Sam and Dean were suspicious of her motives and identity, and she assumed they would be, but something inside Lexi told her that Sam would be the first to understand her and her mission. And he was.

Just like Lexi's version of Sam, 2007-Sam was full of questions, because somethings never do change. Always trying to suss out the situation, to get as many facts as possible, was the Sam Winchester Way, because that was just who he was.

But it was that first time Sam kissed her, that night in 2007 on the lumpy motel mattress, that Lexi felt alive again. It had only been a month since her-Sam's death, but it felt like centuries. It felt like years of feeling broken and decades of numbness, loss, and grief. But it was when she was lying underneath 2007-Sam, his body pressing her into a sea of sheets and blankets, that Lexi felt whole again.

They moved together, connected in every way humanly possible, and Lexi could once again feel Sam's skin, his breath, and his touch, and it all felt like everything she ever needed. Sam's lips felt like pieces of a missing puzzle, aching to be put back together, and in some ways that night Sam did put her back together. Every time he traced his fingers along her soft skin, one more piece of Lexi's puzzle fell back into place. Each new patch of skin that Sam discovered on Lexi's trembling body, each place of pleasure and bliss he touched and memorized, he made her feel whole again.

The night of their ritual, with an ancient power that only an angel could wield, Lexi and Sam connected beyond every way humanly possible: they bonded their souls, a bond that would go beyond life and death. Sam described it as a heavenly form a marriage and really, it was, but it was also so much more. It made their souls one, it made their souls the same, only to be broken by an act of extreme betrayal and even though Sam would go on to hurt Lexi in ways she never thought possible, she never broke the bond. That's how much she loved Sam.

Because of the bond, Lexi and Sam could feel each others emotions and their thoughts, but it was more than that, they could feel each other. They felt the one another when they were close and they felt each other when they were miles apart. All they had to do was open themselves up and the bond always found a way to connect them.

Lexi knew when Sam was in pain, when his heart was broken after Dean was taken to hell. She felt it in her heart and in her soul, and even though it was like the feelings were ricocheting off Sam and on to her, the pain was so powerful that she thought it might kill her. That's how strong their bond and their love was. 

When Sam was with Ruby, states worth of miles between him and Lexi, both of them working to block each other out, Sam could still feel her. He felt how lonely she was, he felt her fear and abandonment, her hopelessness, and feelings of utter uselessness. And somehow, through his own self-hate and loathing, their bond was strong enough for Sam to feel all that Lexi felt. It didn't matter that he was consumed by his own pain and guilt, Lexi's pain was always connected to his.

And even though their time together was short, a time that was Sam's present but Lexi's past, the length of it doesn't negate the love they had for each other.

Sam and Lexi's bond brought them and their love to a new level that not even they could have ever imagined. There were times where they didn't have pain, and those were the times that they got lost in each other. Sam would bring Lexi to bed and cover every inch of her body with his mouth, bringing about new pleasures never experienced by either of them. The bond allowed them to not only feel each others pain, but each others pleasure as well. When they were tangled up in each other, lost in heightened awareness and sensation, they felt what the other was feeling and they let it take them over completely. Their bonded souls, their love for each other, it consumed them when they let it, and it let it happen often.

Just as Lexi hoped, 2007-Sam became her-Sam, but she still kept many things from him. To protect him, Dean, and even herself, she told half-truths and omitted certain details. All of which will soon be revealed, but one of the most treasured and dear secrets, Lexi never imagined she'd be able to share with Sam.

The night that her grace took her body over and purged Sam of all the demon blood, Lexi was able to bring Sam to a place that he once thought he'd never be able to see. Lexi brought Sam into a world hidden inside the depths of her mind and showed him another life. She showed him their two daughters, their home, and a version of Dean that Sam thought he'd never seen before; she showed him her old life.

For reasons Lexi thinks she'll never understand, after everything, Sam didn't choose her, he still went with Ruby and even then, she loved Sam so much that she didn't give up on him. She begged him to stay with her, she tried to make him see that she didn't care about his mistakes and his betrayals, she insisted that they would somehow figure it out and that it would always be them, no matter what.

She still thinks she wasn't enough and that's why Sam didn't choose her.

Lexi tried to save herself and her family from the night everything went up in flames, and while that night will never happen, not now that Sam's gone, she still thinks about him. She still loves him and would do anything if she knew it would make him safe and bring him back, but to her, that still doesn't change the past.

After everything, Lexi _thought_ that other life of hers would never happened again. She was warned that things would change, and they have, everything has. She's made new choices, and just like Chuck said, those choices put her on a new path. Her choices gave her a new destiny and considering everything she's lost, she has a good life.

Lexi's happy with what she _thinks_ is her new life; Dean by her side, with baby Sam and Alex growing right in front of their eyes. She'll never forget Sam, either version, and the love that they had. She has her boys because of Sam, but she _thinks_ that part of her life, that other version of her life, just like Sam, is gone. She _thinks_ that life that was once hers, has ended.

But then again...nothing ever really ends, does it?

*//*

Dean's just finished covering the holes in the floor of the living room with pieces of plywood and he's nursing a glass of whiskey at the kitchen table, lost in his own thoughts when Lexi slowly makes her way out of their bedroom and sits down next to him. He didn't think she'd wake up so soon, considering how exhausted and weak she was after what happened with Crowley, but she takes his glass from his hands, pours herself a healthy amount, and shoots it down.

Once she swallows the whiskey and pours herself another helping, she asks with a ragged and pained voice, "What do you want to know?"

 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that Lexi comes from a world without demons - an AU. Her knowledge of events that occurred from "season 6 and on" are different from canon.

She's doing that thing again. That not-looking-at-him thing that Lexi did when Dean tracked her down to her motel room, and he hates it now more than ever.

"Lex, I know I said... But you don't have to, not right now." Dean tries to take the glass and the bottle of whiskey away from her, but she pulls it closer to herself and tosses back another shot. If Dean didn't know any better, he'd almost think she took the shot and meant it as a silent, _I'll do whatever the hell I want_. Maybe he doesn't know any better.

"If you want to know, ask me. Or else we're not talking about this again." She pours herself another shot and swallows it down without even a trace of a wince. "Ever."

Lexi still won't look at him.

Dean lets out a heavy breath, he hates this. He hates the look on Lexi's face, he hates that she looks so small curled up on her chair, he hates that she takes those shots like a fuckin' champ and doesn't wince. That takes practice, and he knows it.

"You said before... That Sam came back, that Cas saved him from the cage. How?"

"Same way he saved you, I suppose," Lexi answers quickly with absolutely no feeling. Her voice doesn't even sound like hers.

Another shot.

"How long? I mean, how long until he came back?"

"Until he came back? Or until Cas saved him?"

Lexi drinks and other shot and Dean fights every urge he has to take it away from her. "What? I don't--"

"Cas saved him and then he was gone for almost a year. You were at Lisa's, I was at Bobby's, and Sam was...off doing his own thing."

"I wouldn't just leave him!"

"You didn't." Lexi does another shot. "He left you. He left all of us. Sam came back...wrong." Another shot. "His soul-it stayed behind in the cage and he wasn't Sam. Fucker stole my truck and just left us all behind. But you fixed it-made a deal with Death, and he shoved Sam's soul back in. Then he was Sam again."

"And then you guys got married; things were good after that?"

Lexi laughs, but it's not _her_ laugh. Dean wants this whole thing to stop, but he can't say the words.

"Yeah, things were good... Until they weren't."

She does another shot that's got to be a triple and the bottle is empty.

For a brief second Dean thanks God they're out of booze, but Lexi stands up from the table, climbs up so she's standing on the counter top, and digs in the cupboard above the fridge. She produces another half bottle of whiskey and a whole bottle of tequila. Then she grabs a second glass out of the cupboard and makes her way back to the table. Dean wonders how her tiny little body can handle a half bottle of booze and still walk a straight line, let alone scale the kitchen counter, but she does, and she doesn't stumble, not once.

Lexi pours Dean a shot and slides it across the table just like the bartenders do in all the western movies. He shoots it without a second thought, hoping that it'll somehow make him feel better. It doesn't, it makes him worse. He slides the glass away from him and decides not to drink anymore tonight. Lexi's going to get drunk enough for the both of them.

She starts talking again, and Dean's not at all prepared for what she has to say.

"Cas once said that Sam's soul was like one big frayed and raw nerve ending, that if it was put back in Sam that it would make him crazy or possibly kill him. Death put up this..." Lexi rolls her eyes. "This... _wall_ in Sam's head, that would hold the hell part back, keep it out of his mind, but nothing in our fucked up life works right. A whole mess of shit happened and the wall broke, or whatever."

Lexi throws back another shot, and Dean's completely lost count of how many she's had. 

"Sam was crazy and we put him this place...a hospital. He saw hallucinations of Lucifer everywhere, and it drove him crazy. Lucifer wouldn't let him sleep, wouldn't leave him alone, and I could tell that Sam was seeing him when I came to visit, but tried so hard to ignore it. There was this one time that I went to visit him and we were just talking, then all of a sudden Sam's eyes got huge, and he kept saying he was trying to save me from something. The nurses made me leave, and they took him away. He called me a few days later and asked me not to come back after that, said it wasn't safe being around some of the other patients, me being pregnant, but I know he was seeing Lucifer do things to me. That's why he didn't want me there."

Dean's staring at his hands when he hears her voice crack, but when he looks up she's not crying. She's just staring.

"Then Cas took the crazy away. Then there were Leviathans and Knights of Hell and Sam got sick again."

"Sam got sick again? What the hell are Leviathans?"

"I'm not going to explain all the monsters of the week. You can read the journal, I don't care anymore. It's all in there. I don't think the Leviathans can happen, not now, not with Cas human. And without the Leviathans you won't have the tablet and without the--"

"Lex!" Dean stops her babbling that makes absolutely no sense to him. "You said Sam got sick again. What happened?"

"Oh, um. I don't really know. You guys were being dicks and wouldn't tell me what you were doing. Kept me and Alex shut up in the house. Sam was always worried that Abaddon would come after me, so he--"

"What the fuck is an Abaddon?"

Lexi rolls her eyes at Dean and slams another couple shots of tequila. "She followed Henry here. She's a demon, a Knight of Hell. Nasty bitch. Good hair."

"Lex, you're not making any sense." He ignores the comment about how a demon could have good hair and tries to take the tequila away from her. For the first time the whole evening, she looks up at him, and it's not a kind look. Dean slowly pulls his hand back. He's learned his lesson. "Tell me who Henry and Abaddon are."

"Your...grandpa, I guess? John's dad. He time traveled...made a portal... I was never very clear on what happened. He didn't run out on your dad and his mom, he came to you and Sam. Abaddon killed him. He never made it back."

"Jesus Christ." Dean grabs for his empty glass and goes to fill it up, but watches Lexi do another double shot and changes his mind. "So Abaddon?"

"Knight of Hell. Followed Henry here. She wanted Crowley's throne."

Dean rubs his face with his hands; he's confused. Back to the beginning. Sam's gone, and he still has this need inside him to take care of him, that never seems to fade. He has to know about Sam. "So why was Sam sick? Like the flu or ghost sickness type stuff?"

"No one would tell me, so I had to improvise. Bugged Bobby's damn phone, but the old bastard figured it out and I never got any answers. All I know was that Cas, Bobby, you, and Sam came home, and I wanted to see Sam, but you wouldn't let me. You said he was sick, but he'd get better, and you told me it was over. Abaddon was gone, there'd be no more demons, you said Sam did something and Hell was closed for business."

"What did he do? Is whatever he did the reason there were no demons?"

"Don't know." Lexi shrugs her shoulders and downs another shot. "One night you were down at Bobby's and I snuck over to your apartment to see Sam, but it was like it wasn't him. He held himself differently, the way he spoke... It was wrong, and he acted like he didn't know who I was. I heard the Impala drive up and got the hell out of there. Whoever was in your apartment, it wasn't Sam." Lexi lets out a sigh and takes another shot. "All I know is that Crowley gave up his King of Hell powers to Abaddon, then some how it was like Hell was sealed. Abaddon, the new Queen of Hell and most of the other demons locked up, forever. No one ever told me what happened. After it was done, we just didn't talk about it anymore."

"But obviously Sam got better?"

"Yeah, I mean it took awhile, and it was like one day he was back. And it was done."

"And that was it? Just like that?" Lexi's story, to Dean, has more holes than a God damned piece of Swiss cheese. "Lex, I know you've kept things from us before. I know you think it's supposed to keep us safe, but you have to--"

"That's all I know! No one told me anything!" Lexi slams her hand down on the table and the whiskey glasses shake. "Dammit, Dean! I said I'd tell you! I'm not lying!"

Lexi takes another double shot, and Dean sees she's got tears in her eyes.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." Dean slides his chair around the table, sits next to Lexi and wraps his arms around her. "I'm sorry. I know you can't tell me what you don't know. Is it in dad's journal?"

She shakes her head. "You guys stopped writing after everything, and you never talked about it again. All I know is after Sam got sick, it was all over and we got to... _live_. We had a home, Dean. We had a life. It was all just done."

"And the angels, they just stopped being flying douche bags?"

Lexi rolls her eyes, but still doesn't look up at Dean. "From what I gathered, they dropped everything and banded together to help you and Sam to do whatever it was that you did to stop the demons. Then after that, they just went back to heaven. If there weren't any demons left, they had no business left on Earth. Cas came to visit on occasion, but they pretty much stayed up on their lofty perches. That's all I know, I swear."

"I believe you, Lex. I do. I have some other questions, though. About things that've happened since you've been here. Is that okay?"

She looks back down at the table and nods her head.

"Who is Gadreel?"

Her head flies up and she looks at Dean, actually looks at him. "What? How do you know..."

"I've heard you talk to him and sometimes you... Umm...you talk in your sleep about him."

"Oh," Lexi whispers, almost like she's embarrassed. "Uh... He's an angel from when I was in heaven, in the prison. When they...when they took the grace."

Dean sees her flinch, he knows that flinch, he's flinched that flinch before. A person only flinches like that when they've been tortured.

"You don't have to talk about that. You don't--"

"After Naomi..." Lexi shudders. "After she did... After she _took_ the grace and my memories... She threw me in this cell and I was all alone, except I wasn't. There was this angel, he was there too. He... He gave me back my memories, and he sent me home. He sent me back to here.... To you."

She stops talking and pours the last of the tequila into her glass and shoots it. Dean thinks she's done talking, but then she starts again.

"He was so ashamed. They told lies about him... Accused him of things that he swore he didn't do, and he was in there since the beginning. He asked me to pray to him. He just wanted someone... Someone to love him. That's all he wanted: forgiveness and love. So I pray to him. He's still stuck there, alone and no one can help him. He's all alone, Dean! It's so cold there, and he's all alone!"

Lexi cries silently into her hands.

"We shouldn't have done... I shouldn't have asked you. This was a mistake, Lex. I'm sorry."

Lexi stays quiet for what feels like forever, and Dean thinks she's done, that this fucked up conversation is finally done.

"No," she insists after awhile, wiping at her face and her glazed-over eyes. "Juss ask me. Asss me 'bout you, or Sam, or rrr'life, juss asss me wha ya'wanna know," she slurs and Dean thinks, _It's about time._

"It's fine. I don't need to know. C'mon, let's just go to bed. Please, Lex, let's just--"

"NO! Jusss asss me!"

"The fire." Dean hangs his head and knows Lexi's only telling him to ask her because she's wasted, but a part of him wants to know. He's always wanted to know. "What happened the night of the fire?"

Lexi freezes and when she looks up at Dean, finally meets his eyes, and he swears he sees her crumble. She sobs in Dean's arms. She sobs like he's never seen her sob before- not when Sam was gone, not even when he found her again and she felt guilty about thinking she let him go to hell. And Dean feels like shit.

"No." She shakes her head frantically. "Na'that. I can't... No. Ya'don wanna know. Dean. No. ll'kill'u. It dies wi'me. It wone 'appen, na'now. Can't. M'sorry. I'no I said--"

"God, Lex. I'm sorry. I didn't mean... We don't have to... We're done. It's okay; you don't have to tell me anything else. C'mon, let's get you to bed."

Lexi tries to talk, but more sobs fall from her mouth. She sobs so hard that she gags. Dean scoops her up and brings her to the sink where she loses every last ounce of booze she's thrown back in the last hour or so. He helps her rinse her mouth out and forces a couple aspirin down her throat with a handful of water. Then he carries her into their bedroom.

She cries quietly against Dean's chest while he takes her clothes off and gets her into her pajamas. She always sleeps in one of Sam's old tee shirts or one of the few old plaid shirts she has of his. When he helps her into Sam's green plaid shirt, Dean remembers the last time he saw Sam wear this shirt. Tears fall down Dean's face just like Lexi's, and he hates himself.

He hates that this plaid shirt doesn't smell like Sam anymore, it smells like him. It smells like him and Lexi and a little bit like the pink baby lotion she puts on the boys after their baths. Nothing smells like Sam anymore, every thing smells like him.

Dean lies Lexi's limp body back on their bed and quickly pulls off his boots, jeans, and shirts. Climbing into bed next to Lexi, he realizes she doesn't smell like herself. She smells like booze and sweat and him.

"I'm so sorry, Lex. God, I'm sorry." He kisses her parted lips and tastes her salty tears. "I don't need to know. It doesn't matter. I'm sorry."

"S'okay, De'n. S'kay. Luhve'u"

"Love you too. God, I love you so damn much. Shhh, just go to sleep."

*//*

 Dean rolls over on the bed and lets out a groan. His head is pounding, and the sun is shining right in his face through the window. Opening just one eye, he peeks at the alarm clock on his end table. It's 10:45AM.

"We sure slept in, huh Lex?"

But when Dean looks on Lexi's side of the bed, she's not there. He rubs his hand over her pillow and it's cold; she's been out of bed for awhile.

His first assumption is that she's kneeling on the bathroom floor, dry heaving. She has to be after last night.

"Dammit," Dean groans as he rubs his hand over his mouth and chin. He didn't want Lexi to wake up on her own today. He didn't want her to be alone with her thoughts and all the shit he drug up last night.

He pushes himself up off the bed and grabs his jeans up off the floor, ignoring the pile of shirts. Once he slides them up over his boxers, he makes his way out into the kitchen. He had intended to make Lexi a pot of coffee, get her some more aspirin, and a couple bottles of water, but he steps in Cheerios.

"What the hell?"

"Shhhh!" Someone hisses at him from on the couch.

Dean's about ready to reach for the gun he keeps on top of the fridge, but he sees a familiar trench coat draped over the back of the couch.

"Cas?"

"Yes. Bobby had to leave with Rufus on a case, so I drove the boys home. Be quiet; they're sleeping."

"Oh." Dean wipes the Cheerios crumbs from the bottom of his feet and reaches for the broom behind the fridge to sweep them up. "Where's Lex?"

"She has been in the bathroom all morning. She looks ill, Dean. I heard her vomiting earlier," Cas answers him softly. "I fed Sam and Alex breakfast. Cheerios."

"I see that." He also sees that Cas is lying back on the couch with pillows propped up behind him, the boys sleeping against his chest.

After Dean sweeps up the mashed Cheerio dust, he dumps the contents of the dust pan in the trash and puts the jug of milk left out on the counter top back into the fridge. There's also half-eaten bowls of cereal sitting on the counter, next to a opened plastic box of baby wipes, and two dirty diapers wrapped up in themselves. Bobby's told both Dean and Lexi a couple times that while Cas has figured out several human things on his own, he's still not gotten the knack of cleaning up after himself. Dean doesn't say anything about the mess because Cas has been watching the boys all morning, not that he'd say anything anyway. He just puts everything away.

"Can you hang out with them for awhile? I'm gonna go check on Lex."

Cas nods his head and smiles at Dean from over the back of the couch.

After tossing back two aspirin and grabbing a bottle of water, Dean walks over to the couch and smooths Sam and Alex's baby fine dark brown hair gently, then whispers to Cas, "Thanks."

When Dean gets down the hall to the bathroom, he listens at the door to see if Lexi is still throwing up. She's not, but he hears water splashing lightly. She's taking a bath.

He knocks softly on the door and keeps his voice low. "Lex?"

"Yeah," she groans. "You can come in."

Dean steps into the dark bathroom, she's got the lights off and just a couple candles burning in holders on the counter top. She also has a wash cloth draped over her face. "I brought you some water."

"Water good. Booze bad," Lexi moans from behind her wash cloth.

Letting out a quiet laugh, Dean sits down on the stool they keep in the bathroom to sit on when they're giving the boys a bath. "How ya feelin'?"

"Well, if I remember correctly, I drank my body weight in whiskey and tequila last night. So I was pretty much feeling like ass."

"I'll bet. Do you need some more aspirin?"

"No, took some awhile ago, I'm feeling a little better. Hey, uh..." She takes the wash cloth off her face. "Sorry about last night...losing it like that. I didn't mean to--"

"Don't worry about it. I probably woulda done the same thing."

"I know you want to know about the night of the fire."

"Lex, you don't have to tell me. I don't need to know."

She lays the wash cloth back over her eyes. "It wasn't a hunt."

"What wasn't a hunt?"

"You and Sam didn't leave on a hunt, the night of the fire. There wasn't a hunt."

"No." Dean shakes his head. "We're not doing this today. You're not going through that again."

"I just need it to be done."

"Not today, Lex. I don't think I can do that again, and I know you can't either. Not today. Please." Dean reaches over and takes the wash cloth from her face. "Okay?"

"Okay," she agrees. "Not today."

Dean grabs the bar of soap out of the dish and lathers up the wash cloth with it. "Lean forward. I'll wash your back." When she does as he asks, he continues, "Cas is out in the living room with the boys. I still have one more day off from work. How about we just take it easy for the rest of the day and do something tomorrow?"

"Like what?" She smiles up at Dean and he kisses her.

"I don't know. We'll think of something. Just the four of us, okay?"

"Sounds good."

After Dean finishes washing Lexi's back, he takes the blue plastic cup from the ledge of the tub they use to rinse the soap from Sam and Alex's hair and uses it to rinse the soap bubbles from Lexi. "There. You feelin' any better?"

Lexi nods her head. "Kinda hungry, though."

"I brought back food the other day. It's in the fridge. Might be kinda squished from before. I dropped everything and hauled ass in the house when Crowley was here."

"Please God, say it's Chinese."

"It's Chinese. Dean grins. "All your favorite stuff."

"Extra spring rolls?"

"Uh, yeah!"

"You're awesome."

Dean laughs. "Oh, I know."

"Speaking of Crowley, what did he mean when he said you were thinking about 'making it official'? Or was he just talkin' a bunch of crap?"

Dean's tried to forget a lot of what's happened in the last twenty-four hours, but the ring, that's still in the inside pocket of his jacket, isn't one of them. And now more than ever he knows exactly what he wants to do with that ring. He knows exactly which finger of Lexi's he wants to slide it on to, but not today. That day will be special, not a day filled with hangovers and headaches and day old squished Chinese food, but soon.

"With him you never know. Demons lie, Lex. C'mon let's go get us some chow. There's a spring roll in there with your name on it."

"Just one?" She teases while standing up from the tub.

Dean wraps her in a towel, lifts her out of the tub and onto the floor.

"Nope, got four, and they're all you."

He smooths her dripping hair out of her face and bends down to kiss her.

"All me? You mean I don't have to share?" She uses _that_ voice, the one Dean's learned to recognize over the past several months. The voice she uses when their kisses aren't going to be just kisses.

Dean plays along. He's definitely game if Lexi is. "It's your birthday, Lex." He kisses her again. "You get to do whatever you want to do."

"Is that so? My demands are many. You think you can meet them all?" She smirks against Dean's lips and works the button and zipper of his jeans open.

"I'll do my very best to - OH!" Dean's voice jumps a quarter of an octave when Lexi sticks her hand down the front of his jeans, and he groans.

"You were saying?" Lexi giggles into Dean's naked chest, then kisses the skin under his mouth.

"Oh, God, I have no idea," he groans while lifting her up off the floor and setting her on the counter top. "Shit! The condoms are in the bedroom."

Lexi reaches down into a drawer and pulls out a small square foil packet. "Not all of them."

"Now who's awesome?" Dean winks at her before opening the condom.

"Me, the birthday girl."

"That's right." He kisses her again. "And now onto those demands. I hear you have many."

"There really was just the one."

Dean lifts her legs up on his hips. "How am I doin' so far?"

"We shall see, Winchester," Lexi teases. "We shall see."


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little thing. :) I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> _Wish You Where Here ___is one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs, and you can listen to it here:  
>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NavVfpp-1L4
> 
>  
> 
> CCR's _Have You Ever Seen the Rain_ can be enjoyed here:  
>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu2pVPWGYMQ
> 
> PS. I will be out of town for the next week, so chapter 48 probably won't be published until I get back home.
> 
> PPS. CHAPTER 48?????? Holy crap! How did _that_ happen?? WOW!

The next day is just as Dean promised; just the four of them.

Lexi watches from her place on the couch while Dean plays with the boys on a blanket spread out on the floor. Alex is gumming on a soft plastic green frog, drool covering just about everything, including his own chubby fist, while baby Sam is standing with his fists wrapped around the collar of Dean's shirt. Sam seems to be eager to stand unassisted, and Lexi watches as her son tries to let go of Dean's shirt to do just that, but it's just seconds before he plops down on his rounded diaper covered butt. Baby Sam beams up at Dean with a drool covered smile, three and half of his little teeth poking out from his gums. Hence all the drool.

Baby Alex seems to have no desire to join his brother in his unassisted standing adventures. Lexi's noticed Alex is more reserved; content to crawl along the cabin's hardwood floors and search for his toys or play with the laces of Dean's work boots. She enjoys the non-toddling stage while she can, knowing that the next stage for Sam and Alex will be walking and then running. She's never had two children running around her home at one time, and if the last eleven months have taught her anything, it's that baby boys are very much different than baby girls. There are many nights that Dean and Lexi collapse into bed completely worn out. Two baby boys crawling around the cabin is exhausting, but it's the early morning snuggles, slobbery kisses, and toothless smiles that make it all very much worth it.

After baby Sam plops down on his butt, Dean helps him back up into his favorite standing position, but this time Sam chooses Dean's ear as his anchor, and Lexi laughs when the usually deep-voiced Dean lets out a squeal. In every attempt to keep his ear firmly attached to the side of his face, Dean scoops up both boys in his arms and lays them down on the patchwork quilt, then attacks their stomachs with his mouth, blowing raspberries onto their round tummies. Enormous belly laughs erupt from the twins' mouths, seemingly bigger than what really should be coming out of their tiny bodies, but filled with happiness and glee just the same.

Keeping his movements gentle with the perfect amount of rough Dean knows his boys love, he pulls them onto his chest and pretends that they're attacking him. The boys think it's hilarious, but then Dean gets this sparkle in his eye, and Lexi knows he's up to trouble.

"Should we get Mama? Should we get her belly, too?"

The boys don't quite grasp the concept of what Dean's saying, but they pick up on the excitement in his voice and see his wide and animated eyes, both making Sam and Alex squeal with delight. Dean puts each boy down on their butts on the floor, and then wastes no time jumping up and pouncing on Lexi. Both Sam and Alex crawl across the blanket to the edge of the couch where Dean has Lexi pinned into the cushions.

Holding both Lexi's wrists in one hand, Dean gives her a look that she knows means, _think you can stop me?_

"Don't you dare!" Lexi shrieks while laughing when Dean lifts her tee shirt.

Of course, Dean doesn't listen. He takes in a deep breath and blows onto Lexi's stomach. She immediately bursts out into laughter, and the two drooling baby boys on the floor laugh twice as loud.

"She likes it!" Dean proclaims with a red face. "Mama likes it! Should we get her again?"

The boys laugh some more, and Dean pulls in another deep breath, then lets it out against Lexi's skin. With her hands pinned above her head and Dean's thighs holding down her legs, Lexi laughs breathlessly while struggling to get out from under him.

"Okay! Okay! Stahh--" But Dean doesn't stop, he does it one more time, and Lexi laughs so hard that there's no sound coming out of her mouth. "Please," she croaks while laughing with tears streaming down her face. "Stop. Can't breathe! You win!"

"You hear that boys? I win!"

"Maybe we should get Daddy?" Lexi challenges with a grin once she gets her breath back, but it fades quickly when she sees Dean freeze. "What?"

" _Daddy_?"

The boys lose interest when the laughter stops, and they crawl back to their pile of toys.

"Well, yeah. I told you--"

Dean cuts her off with a kiss. "You've never said that word before. Not to me, at least."

"I told you, Dean. Sam's their dad, but you are too. You're giving them something they wouldn't have ever had. You're their dad too."

Dean flops back on the couch and looks down at baby Sam and Alex, each gnawing on a brightly colored plastic animal of some sort. "Dean Winchester, a dad. I never thought I'd see the day."

He never got his belly attacked like Lexi, Sam, and Alex did, but Dean spends the rest of the day trying to teach the boys to say "dada" with a huge grin plastered across his face.

-

Dean's got the boys down in the bathroom, and he's giving them a bath, while Lexi cleans up supper.

The record player is softly playing Pink Floyd's _Wish You Were Here_ , and Lexi hums along while sweeping up a handful of steamed carrots. Just as bends down to sweep everything into the dust pan, a feeling grabs at her insides, and it's gone before she can recognize it.

She drops the dust pan and freezes, half petrified the feeling will come back and half praying it will.

Lexi's eyes flick to each window in the kitchen and in the living room, but she finds everything in order. Then her eyes dart to both the front and back doors and down to the floor in front of them: they also look just as they always did. She stands completely still for another five minutes, and when the feeling doesn't come back, she slowly reaches down for the dust pan, and she notices her hands are shaking.

"What in the hell?" She whispers to herself.

In times past, Lexi's had her fair share of _feelings_. The grace that she now only has miniscule traces of, was once powerful inside her and allowed her to feel what others were feeling, but this isn't someone else's feelings or emotions, this is inside her. For various reasons, mainly because Sam is no longer on this Earth, she not only thinks it's impossible for the strange feeling to be something coming through from the bond, but what she's just felt didn't feel anything like the bond. With Sam, and the connection their souls shared, the feelings that they sent back and forth, those were consuming, those were almost overwhelming, but that's not what _this_ was. This feeling was just a blip on the radar, and it didn't last. It was like a sharp zap to her middle, and then it was gone, but it was most definitely there.

Fueled by a fierce need to protect her family, Lexi grabs for the gun Dean keeps up on top of the fridge. She clicks the safety off and walks out of the front door.

It's mid-April and evening, so the sky is just starting to get dark, and the air is _this side_ of chilly. Regardless of the weather, Lexi's got goose bumps on her arms and the hairs on her neck are standing straight up.

The yard looks just as it always does; the Scottsdale parked next to the cabin, the spot next to it empty where the Impala should be, but Lexi knows Dean's baby is tucked away at Bobby's house, and that he'll be getting her shiny black body back on the road here very soon.

Something rustles in the brush to Lexi's left, and she's got the gun at the ready. Ready to shoot the fucking hell out of anything, demon or human, that dare come near her family. A white rabbit hauls ass across the yard and into the brush to Lexi's right, and she points the gun back at the ground.

"You're losing your damn mind, Lexi. You gonna make rabbit stew? Jesus..."

Lexi turns to go back into the cabin and she feels _it_ again. _It_ feels like when your foot falls asleep and then starts to wake back up again: shooting little twinges of electricity and feeling back into your foot, but Lexi feels it deep in her gut, not her foot. She spins around, gun up again, but nothing's changed. It all looks the same, just as it should.

Not trusting what's right in front of her, Lexi quickly darts off the cabin's little porch and makes her way to the parked Scottsdale. The scattered piles of melty snow show various animal tracks and imprints that she recognizes as Dean's work boots and her sneakers. Being as quick as she can, she sprints around the side of the cabin, careful to duck under the window of the bathroom, so Dean doesn't see her. She doesn't want to feel like an idiot when she doesn't find anything, and she doesn't want to worry Dean about something that could very well be nothing. 

The wooden stumps are sitting around the fire pit, just like they were the last time Lexi was out here. There are no tracks in the show that don't belong, and there are no traces of sulfur on the ground, on window ledges, or in the air, and Lexi's convinced she's going crazy. 

She walks around the other side of the cabin with her gun pointing high and low, looking for anything that doesn't belong, but everything looks fine. When she stands back on the front porch she does one last sweep of her eyes across the sparsely snow covered yard. It's almost dark now, but she doesn't see anything. Lexi clicks the safety of the gun back on and heads back into the cabin.

She can still hear Dean down the hall in the bathroom with the boys, only now he's singing CCR's _Have You Ever Seen the Rain._ Lexi can only assume his choice in songs is because the boys have splashed so much bath water on the floor that it's going to look like it was raining in there.

Dean's off key rendition of the song calms Lexi's frayed nerves, and she puts the gun back up on top the high fridge, then goes back to sweeping up the crumbs from the kitchen floor.

She doesn't let herself think about the feeling in her gut again, but she laughs softly as Dean begins to belt out his tune of choice again.

_Someone told me long ago there's a calm before the storm._   
_I know, it's been comin' for some time._   
_When it's over, so they say, it'll rain a sunny day._   
_I know, shinin' down like water._

_I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?_   
_I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?_   
_Comin' down on a sunny day?_


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zeppelin's _Stairway to Heaven_ can be enjoyed here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnFhf3BisUA
> 
> Phil Collins' _Groovy Kind of Love_ is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsC_SARyPzk
> 
>  _Afternoon Delight_ by Starland Vocal Band can be listened to (at your own risk LOL) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NUkhMq_iRo
> 
> The song at the very end is Sarah Bareillies' _I Just Want You_ which is probably my favorite song, and I'm so glad I finally found a place to use it in here. Please, please, listen to it here. It's such a beautiful song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQKZ_IJ3bsQ
> 
> And as always, a HUGE thank you to lady_ataralasse for being my muse, punctuation checker, and an overall fabulous person. Please be sure to check out her Shenanigans and Blarney fic, there really are no words to describe it. It's angsty and soooooooo hilarious. :) http://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_ataralasse/pseuds/lady_ataralasse

A month later, it's two nights before Sam and Alex's first birthday.

Dean asks Cas to come over and watch the boys for the evening, so he and Lexi are able to do some grocery shopping and pick up a couple presents for the boys. Of course, Cas is happy to do it and arrives in the Cavalier in front of the cabin at seven o'clock sharp. It turns out Cas is doing some research for a case Rufus and Bobby are working on, so when he shows up at the cabin, he's got an armful of lore books.

When Dean sees the dusty old books from Bobby's library, for the first time in a long time, he misses being on the road. Not that he'd trade this life he and Lexi have carved out for themselves, not in a heartbeat, not for anything, but life on the road has been ingrained in his mind for years, and just for a second he lets himself miss it.

Lexi's asked him a couple of times, over the last year, if he was going to go with Bobby on cases, and Dean's thought about it, but not only does he not want to leave Lexi and the boys alone for any longer than he has to, he hasn't been on a hunt without Sam in years. The Impala is out of Bobby's garage now, and even though he's not driven her any other place than to work, Bobby's, or the grocery store, the passenger seat still feels hauntingly empty without Sam there.

Dean's just not ready.

But tonight, Lexi will be in the passenger seat, and not that she's a replacement for Sam, because she's not, there's nothing and nobody that could ever replace Sam or fill that emptiness in his heart, it'll still be nice to have _someone_ there next to him.

If five-years-ago-Dean were to meet the current-Dean that walks this bat-shit crazy place called Earth, five-years-ago-Dean wouldn't even recognize himself. Half the time Dean doesn't even recognize himself, but there's a part of him that enjoys that.

He's been at the construction job for almost a year now, and while it's not his dream job, (not by a long shot) it pays the bills. Just about everyday after work Dean checks the mail at the Post Office, and aside from random bills, he and Lexi get four Netflix movies a month, Dean gets his Busty Asian Beauties, and Lexi gets Reader's Digest. (Once she's finished reading them, she gives them to Cas) Then there's Thursday nights. Thursdays after work, Dean goes out with some of the guys from his crew, to toss back a couple beers, and he pretends he's only half good at darts. It was slightly challenging at first, trying to be shitty at something he could kick ass at blindfolded, but he got the hang of it and actually found himself looking forward the Thursday nights.

Never in a million years did Dean think he'd have this; a Netflix account, a Post Office box, bills, and Thursday night 'Guys' Night', let alone Lexi and two little boys at home. The idea that Sam may have, once upon a time, had an apple pie life wasn't hard to believe, but Dean never really believed it'd be him. And while the grief and the ache still burn inside him, it's all become a part of him, and he knows he'll carry it around forever. It'll never go away: he doesn't want it to. He'll always think about his brother, and how, in another life, this was all Sam's.

-

The toys that Lexi and Dean pick out for almost one year-old Sam and Alex are really just a formality. They know the boys will probably be more interested in the shiny bows and wrapping paper than the actual presents, but Lexi and Dean still have fun picking them out.

Dean spends twenty minutes lost in the army men and Lego isle, remembering when he and Sam would play with toys in the backseat of the Impala while their dad drove them across miles and miles of the country. When he looks up from a Batman mask that makes way more sounds and has dozens more features than the ones he remembers seeing as a kid, he sees Lexi is in the isle across from him looking at Barbie dolls and miniature ceramic tea sets.

The look on her face is sad, and Dean knows she's not remembering the toys she played with as a girl, she's remembering the toys _her girls_ played with. He watches her for a couple of minutes while she runs her fingers over a sparkly purple tutu and a fairy wand, then she picks up a boxed baby doll that emits a sound that supposed to be a baby crying. He watches Lexi laugh at the scratchy little noise, and then he pushes the cart over to her isle.

"We better get to the grocery store before it closes," he says softly so he doesn't startle her.

Lexi puts the doll back on the shelf and gives Dean a smile that he knows is forced, then she checks her watch. "Yeah, it closes in an hour. Bobby said he'd bring stuff to grill, but I still have to get things to make the cupcakes."

"No pie?" He teases in the hopes that his words will bring up a real smile on her face.

They do.

"I got pie filling, butter, and Wonder Bread on my list. You can make your pies over the fire if you want."

He hugs her from behind and kisses the side of her head. "Awesome."

-

After forty-five minutes in the grocery store, Lexi and Dean have a cart full of all the necessary things for the boys' birthday: a box of cake mix for cupcakes, powdered sugar for frosting, ice cream, paper hats, candles, and a few things they need around the house. Dean tosses a box of condoms in the cart, making the gesture obvious to Lexi.

She jokingly rolls her eyes. "You hoping to get lucky tonight?"

Dean gives her a toothy grin, pulls her close, and whispers in her ear, "Always."

-

On the drive back home, Lexi sits in the middle of the seat, and Dean's got his right arm wrapped around her shoulder. Zeppelin's _Stairway to Heaven_ plays on the Impala's stereo, and they're about five minutes out of town when Lexi leans forward and turns down the song.

"You know what I could go for?"

"What's that?" Dean laughs just a little bit when he answers. He, of course, remembers the box of condoms he not-so covertly threw into their cart.

"A beer. Just an ice cold beer, in a bar. Some busted old jukebox playing a shitty song, stale peanuts and pretzels, cracked leather bar stools, and a bearded, beer-bellied bartender. His name should be Cliff or Butch or Gene."

With a wide smirk on his face, Dean pulls the Impala onto a side road and turns her around. "You don't have to ask me twice, though I don't know what I can do about the bartender's name. Call Cas and let him know we'll be another hour or so."

Lexi grins up at him and pulls Dean's cell phone out of his jacket pocket. His heart jumps up in his throat when he feels her fingers unknowingly brush up against the small, blue velvet box hiding next to his phone, then he grins.

-

Ten minutes later, Dean parks the Impala in front of a bar called The Wagon Wheel, the bar he goes to with his work buddies. It's a total dive, but the beer's cold, and the jukebox always seems to be playing a shitty song.

Lexi slides out of the driver's side door behind Dean, and he grabs her hand as they walk up to the bar. He also opens the door for her and lets her walk inside first. Yeah, five-years-ago-Dean would think this-Dean's lost his damn mind.

The bar stools have cracked leather seats, and the jukebox is playing some shitty song Dean's never heard and hopes to never hear again. They sit down at the bar, and Dean orders them each a beer. While the bearded bartender is digging in his cooler for their beers, Dean notices there's only about ten people in the bar, most of them men who are scattered along the bar, watching the muted baseball game on the TV.

When the bartender comes back with their beers, Dean says, "Thanks..." He lets his sentence trail off with a question, hinting to the bartender for his name.

The bartender looks at Dean like he's crazy. The Wagon Wheel isn't exactly the type of place you come to for good conversation. "Cliff, and that'll be seven bucks for the beers."

Dean nods his head and puts down a ten dollar bill. When the bartender walks away, Dean grins and elbows Lexi in the ribs. "Ya hear that? Bartender's name is _Cliff_ , the leather on the stools is cracked, AND there's shitty song playing on the jukebox!"

"Yeah, yeah, you're awesome." Lexi playfully rolls her eyes.

"How many times do I gotta tell you? _I know_!" Dean wraps his free arm around Lexi's shoulder and kisses her cheek. "This was a pretty good idea."

"I tend to have those on occasion." Lexi winks and leans closer to him. "So who's all coming to the boys' party?"

"Bobby and Cas for sure. Maybe Rufus, if he's not balls deep in trouble, and I invited a couple guys from work who have kids Sam and Alex's ages. They didn't say they'd come for sure, but I just threw it out there. Promised them beer and food, so maybe? Both of the guys from work have little girls, so I know our lady killers'll sweep 'em off their feet."

"Lady Killers?" Lexi laughs and takes a long pull from her beer.

"They're Winchesters. They're lady killers, trust me."

"Even at a year old?"

" _Especially_ at a year old."

"You're insane."

"It has been said."

"Bet you'd be singing a different tune if we had two girls, and your boys from work were bringing their own lady killers to the party."

"They'd be no boys allowed within a hundred yards if we had two girls," Dean tries to add in a serious tone, but fails when he laughs. "Winchester and Garrison genes combined into girls? We'd be beating away the boys with a stick!" As soon as the words come out of his mouth he sees Lexi's smile disappear, and then he feels like an ass. "God, I'm sorry, Lex. I didn't mean to..."

She shakes her head. "No, I know you didn't. It's fine."

"You think about them a lot?"

She sighs. "Everyday. I always wonder what they'd look like. Antonia would be almost five, and Alex would be almost seven. They really loved you."

"They loved you too. You're a good mom. Didn't mean to bum you out."

"You didn't." She smiles up at Dean, and he can tell it's genuine. "This is nice."

"Bringin' you to a dive bar is nice?" He chuckles and drinks the rest of his beer.

"Well, yeah. I know you miss it too. It's okay."

"Sometimes," Dean agrees. "So you really wouldn't mind if I went out on a case or two with Bobby?"

Lexi shakes her head and takes another drink of her beer. "Wouldn't have minded it if you went a long time ago. I told you that. You being gone for weeks at a time would suck, but I can tell you miss it."

"I don't miss it, like... _m_ _iss it_ , miss it. But yeah, maybe a little."

"Then you should go with Bobby next time. I swear, I don't mind. I figured you would have gone back out on the road by now, but I think I know part of the reason you haven't... You will when you're ready."

"Lex, I don't wanna go 'back out on the road' and I don't wanna be 'gone for weeks at a time'. I mean, if I did, it might happen now and again, but that's not what I want. Things are different now, _I'm_ different now. Aren't I?"

"Well, yeah, but--"

"Sometimes I feel like I'm that guy you talked about when we were at the river."

"You're not like him, Dean."

For some reason, hearing Lexi's words are like taking a bullet. "No? Not even close?"

"God, no." Lexi shakes her head and finishes her beer.

"Really? I thought--"

"I don't mean it like you're taking it. _That_ Dean... He was my brother-in-law... It's so different now. You're not him, but _you've_ changed. You're a whole different Dean. It's hard to explain, but all the things that he was, the things I know you want to be... I told you he loved his nieces, and he was kind and giving, had tons of patience, he was attentive... Dean, you're all those things too, but you're not him. I didn't love him the way I love you. It's different now."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right." _That_ Dean was her brother-in-law, her best friend, her husband's brother, and Dean only knows this because Lexi's told him. It's weird for him to think about, but he gets it. "I'm gonna hit the head and then we'll go back home, okay? I'll help you make cupcakes." By _help_ , he means _eat the frosting_.

After Lexi nods her head, he walks across the bar to the bathroom.

It smells the way you'd expect a men's bathroom at a dive bar to smell. The mirror is all smudgy, there's paper towels all over the floor and ironically none in the dispenser. He tries not to notice what the urinals look like, and for a second he wonders how he ever did this before.

Lexi always keeps their bathroom clean, and it always smells like some sort of pine scented cleanser, along with her rain smelling lotion and soap, and the boys' yellow body wash that sits on the ledge of the tub. This bathroom... Yeah, it smells _nothing_ like that. Dean quickly does what he needs to do and gets the hell out of there.

As soon as he steps out of the bathroom, his eyes go right to where he left Lexi, but she's not there. A quick once over of the other patrons tells Dean that three have left, and one new one has arrived, but still no Lexi. His eyes flick over to the dim and scuffed up dance floor, she's not there either. She's also not sitting at any of the tables, and she's not at any of the other bar stools.

Dean starts to half jog, half run toward the doors of the bar, but then he sees her out of the corner of his eye. She's bent over the jukebox looking down at the songs, and Dean can see she's got that goofy grin on her face she gets when she's doing anything regarding music. He lets himself just watch her for a second, blowing out a breath and all the anxiety built up from the last minute or so.

Her hair hangs down her back in a braid that she, more often than not, wears her hair in these days. She has since the night Dean clumsily twisted her hair into a slightly messy braid, "so he wouldn't roll over on it," but that was back when really he just wanted to touch her hair.

Now, she's got on these dark blue jeans that allow Dean to really appreciate her ass, a dark gray tee shirt that rides up just a little bit in the back, and he lets himself look, because he can.

As quietly as possible, Dean sneaks up behind her, but when he's about two steps away, she turns her head slightly and sees him out of the corner of her eye. Lexi's one of the good ones though, she lets him "think" he's sneaking up on her, and Dean appreciates it; little boosts to a man's ego never hurt anyone.

He comes up behind her, rests one hand on the jukebox and one hand on her hip. "Didn't see you over here."

Lexi shrugs. "Just wanted to see if all the music on here was shitty, or if there was anything worth listening to." She looks up at Dean and squints just a little bit. "You okay? You look..."

"Nah." Dean shakes his head and smirks. "You weren't at the bar, and I kinda got rushed out for a second, but I found you."

"You think I'd just up and disappear?"

"Wouldn't be the first time you went missing," he teases. "I think you've probably been kidnapped more than anyone else in the world."

Lexi turns around to face Dean, her back against the jukebox. "There was a time where I was a hot commodity."

"Now you're just _my_ hot commodity."

"Very smooth." She laughs and tries to walk toward the door, but Dean backs her up against the jukebox and holds her in place.

"We'll go in a minute." Dean peeks down at the jukebox's screen over Lexi's shoulder. "Wow, this _is_ bad."

"I tried to tell you."

Dean presses the arrow keys behind Lexi, and when she tries to turn around to see what he's doing, he gently turns her face back. "No peeking."

He makes his hidden song selection, drops a handful of quarters into the slot, and the song starts. It only takes a second for her to recognize the song, and she laughs at Dean. "Phil Collins? _Groovy Kind of Love_?"

"Hey, it was either that, or the song from the movie where John Cusack holds the radio above his head." Dean kisses her smile.

"Why did it have to be either?"

Dean doesn't answer, even though he's thinking the same thing, he just holds out his hand.

"You wanna dance? Here? To _this_?" Lexi asks, surprised.

"We can dance out in the parking lot if you want, but there probably isn't any music. C'mon."

After she takes his hand, Dean leads her out onto the five-foot-by-five-foot scuffed up dance floor with the one tiny light on the ceiling, yellowed from years of nicotine stains, but it's perfect. They move too slow to keep up with the beat of the song, but neither Dean nor Lexi care. They make their own beat, they always have.

After they fall into step for a little while, Lexi looks up at Dean with a smile on her face. "Since when do you dance?"

"You don't know _everything_ about me. I still got some secrets." He winks.

"Oh, really?"

Dean moves his face down and kisses her. "Just a couple."

They dance out the last minute or so of the song, pressed close together. The side of Lexi's face rests against Dean's chest, while Dean keeps his nose and mouth pressed against the crown of Lexi's head, breathing in her rain scented soap, and he closes his eyes. Their bodies touch in every way possible while standing upright, and they both know the other patrons in the bar are probably looking at them like they're crazy, but they don't care. Not right now.

 _When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do is take a look at you,_ _then I'm not so blue._

_When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter, my whole world could shatter, I don't care._

_Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love?_

When the song lyrics and melody fade away Dean says, "I know the lyrics are the definition of corny, and this song really belongs in a eighties prom flick, but it's kinda... You know."

"Awww, shucks, Winchester. You sure do know how to flatter a girl." She stands up on her tip toes to kiss Dean and whispers, "I know."

The song ends, and a new song starts playing.

_Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight_   
_Gonna grab some afternoon delight_   
_My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right_   
_Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night_   
_When everything's a little clearer in the light of day_   
_And we know the night is always gonna be there any way_   
  
_Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite_   
_Looking forward to a little afternoon delight_   
_Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite_   
_and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting_   
  
_Sky rockets in flight_   
_Afternoon delight._

Dean and Lexi freeze, and wide smiles spread across their faces.

"Really? You picked _this_ song?" She asks through bursts of laughter.

"Uh, no. Can't say I've ever _chosen_ to listen to this song, though I'm not completely against the concept of an afternoon delight," Dean answers with a smirk. "Should we go?"

It's a little late in the day for an _afternoon delight_."

"I meant home." Dean rolls his eyes and grins.

"Yes. Definitely."

As they walk toward the exit door, Dean says, "I hear tomorrow's got an afternoon."

"Really?" Lexi laughs. "I had no idea."

-

The night air is cool for a May evening, and Lexi walks close to Dean as they make their way to the Impala. Just as she opens the passenger side door to climb inside the car, Dean reaches around her and quickly closes it. Lexi turns to look at him with a curious and confused expression on her face, and Dean has no idea what to say, so he backs her up against he door of the Impala and just kisses her.

There's no squished day-old Chinese food, no headaches, and no hangovers. _This_ is the right time, and suddenly the tiny silver and gold ring in his pocket weighs a thousand pounds, in a good way.

"Marry me," Dean whispers against her mouth.

As soon as he says the words, he's terrified. Not terrified like being strung up by a djinn, or almost zapped to death alongside a Rawhead, or hacked to bits by some razor-sharp clawed monster. He's not terrified like that, because all those things _could_ kill him, but not this. Just like Sam being gone, if Lexi says no, if she decides she doesn't want him, it won't kill Dean: _he'll have to live through it._

Over the past month or so, when Dean pictured himself asking Lexi to marry him, part of him expected it to go the way it does in all the movies: the girl looks up at the guy who has the ring in his hand, tears fall down her cheeks while she nods her head profusely with a huge smile on her face, and the guy slips the ring on her finger. But Lexi doesn't respond like that, she just keeps looking up at him. Her eyes are almost studying him, watching him, looking for some tiny detail that's not shown up over the years she's known him. Her eyes stare up at his face, and then she finally meet his eyes.

When she doesn't answer him, Dean digs in his pocket for the velvet blue box. "I know it's not a diamond ring, or a ring with diamonds, and I still don't understand the difference, but as soon as I saw it... I just knew."

He doesn't even get the box open, and Lexi asks, "You want to marry me?"

Dean kisses the corner of her smile. "Kinda why I bought the ring."

"I guess I really don't know everything about you, do I?"

He opens the box. "Now you do."

Lexi just stares down at [the ring](http://images.shaneco.com/is/image/ShaneCo/ring/570/oval-kentucky-blue-sapphire-ring-in-sterling-silver-and-rose-gold_41062969_M.jpg) and smiles, but she still doesn't say anything.

"Lex," Dean all but whines. "You're killin' me here..."

Finally, she nods her head and whispers in a shaky voice. "Yes."

"Yeah?"

"Yes! Dean, it's beautiful. When did you...

"Before Crowley." He slides the silver, gold, and sapphire ring on to her shaky finger, and it fits perfectly above the gold band that is already there. "And there probably won't be any Vera Wong, but I'll do--"

Lexi cuts him off with a laugh. " _Wang_."

"What?" He's shocked and very much amused that Lexi just said _wang_.

" _Wang_. Vera Wang, not _Wong_."

"Either way..." He stops mid-sentence to kiss her, just because he can, but it really ends up being the two of them grinning against each other's lips. "I swear, anything else you want, I'll do it."

"I don't want any of that. Just this. I just want you."

Dean rests his forehead against Lexi's. "I might not be able to do Vera Wang, but _that_ I can do."

*//*

Lexi's eyes pop open from a dead sleep, and she feels _it_ again.

Knowing she can't get out of bed to investigate because she'll wake up Dean, and then have to explain something she's not been able to put into words for almost a month now, she just lays still. After a minute, and after she's sure Dean's still sound asleep, she slowly raises her hand and places it on his chest, directly over his heart, just like she's done so many times, in hopes that the steady _thump-thump_ of his beating heart will calm her.

In the dark, Lexi forces herself to focus, forces herself to try to identify this foreign yet familiar feeling deep within her belly.

Over the last month it's randomly come and gone, but it no longer scares her like it did the first few times. She's figured out that the feeling isn't a precognition of impending doom, but it's still something she can't identify, and that drives her crazy. But no matter what she's done, no matter how hard she's tried, she's never been able to identify the feeling, and now is no exception.

As the strange and peculiar feeling fades away, Lexi looks down at her hand splayed across Dean's chest. The pale moonlight coming through the window glints off the sapphire, and her thoughts drift back to just a few hours before.  
  
Dean and Lexi had made out against the passenger side door of the Impala, like teenagers, and then poured themselves into the front seat, only to continue under-the-shirt-and-over-the-pants type activities while the windows fogged up, but it all came to a screeching (and laugh-filled) halt when a handful of drunken patrons threw a couple cat calls their way. The newly betrothed couple, untwisted wrinkly and bunched up shirts and resituated puckered and twisted zippers and quickly got back on the road.

As the Impala flew down the road, Dean held Lexi close to his side while she peppered kisses into the freckled skin of his jaw and whispered several things she was going to do to him when they arrived back at the cabin. Lexi grinned at how, even in the barely lit interior of the Impala, she was able to see Dean's eyes go dark, and she knew he was very on-board with her plans.

Once back at the cabin, after Cas left for Bobby's, Lexi and Dean snuck a quick peek in on the boys, and baby Sam was standing up against the railing of his crib, with drool dripping down his chin. Dean gently scooped him up and snuggled him to his chest, but Sam wiggled and squirmed with his arms held out to Lexi. She cradled him in her arms, and hummed a few verses of _Hey Jude,_ until he fell back to sleep.

After Sam and Alex were curled up next to each other, sleeping in their crib, Dean and Lexi crept out of the blue nursery and stumbled their way into their own bedroom. It didn't take long before their clothing was a heap on the floor, and Lexi made good on every promise she whispered to Dean, and then some. By the time they were done, no one was thinking with their upstairs, or their downstairs brains, and the next time Dean went into town, he'd need to buy another box of condoms.

"Lex?" Dean whispers, dragging Lexi out of her thoughts.

"Hmmm?" She replies sleepily and lays her head down on Dean's chest.

"Whachya doin'?"

"Thinkin'."

"'Bout what?"

"Your top-notch, lightening quick ninja moves," Lexi teases.

"I know they're awesome, and epic poems should be written about my moves. Hell, people should pay to take classes and attend seminars, but I know that's not what you're thinkin' about." Dean taps the side of her head. "Whachya thinkin' about?"

"I don't... I don't really know. It's just a thing."

"A _thing_? You're gonna have to bust out the verbs, Lex, 'cause I'm not following."

"It's like a _feeling_. Like... maybe the grace? I don't know. It's weird. At first it scared me, I thought something was wrong, but now I don't think it's bad."

" _At first_? How long has this been going on?"

"Awhile. Like a month? Not all the time, just random."

Dean sits up on the and flicks on the lamp. "What do you mean it _felt bad_?"

"It felt _different_. I don't--"

"Did it start after Crowley? When you used your angel juice?"

Lexi thinks back. "Yeah, about then. Why?"

"You used to get tired after you tapped into the grace. Maybe now your angel batteries are givin' you the low battery signal?"

"But it's not the grace, or not _just_ the grace... It's like it's... I know I've felt it before. I just can't... I can't remember."

"But it's not bad? It's not like _feeling_ Lucifer out in the parking lot?"

"No. It's not that, not at all. I'm _positive_ it's not bad." The strangely familiar feeling washes over her again. This time it definitely doesn't feel bad, it feels warm in her belly, like a hug from the inside.

"And you're not freakin' out about the ring?"

"God, no. Dean, no. I'm not freaking out about the ring. I love the ring. I love you."

"Good." Dean lays back on the pillows and pulls Lexi with him. "'Cause I love you too." He snaps off the lamp. "Hey, Lex?"

"Hmmm?"

"Wanna sing me to sleep too?"

She knows Dean's half-joking, but she does it anyhow.  
  
 _Give me a heart to hold the godlike truth_  
 _Give me one good soul that I can tell it through_  
 _Give me good reason to believe in you_  
 _And give me strength if you have time_  
  
 _Give me two hands that’ll hold us up_  
 _And though you give me no more than just enough_  
 _You gave a pair of brown eyes that could call a good love_  
 _To somebody who thinks they shine_  
  
 _You, I just want you_  
 _I just want you_  
  
 _Spend most of my life on a microphone_  
 _Giving all that I got til I back home_  
 _And when the lights go out, and I’m all alone_  
 _I’ve got no reason to be crying_  
  
 _And on a bad day I feel like a masochist_  
 _Take it away from me if it’s for the best_  
 _Somehow I’ve ended up the head of this_  
 _Freight train that isn’t mine_  
  
 _You, I just want you_  
 _I just want you_  
  
 _So take it all away_  
 _If it isn’t meant for me_  
 _I don’t want the easy way_  
 _I just want you_  
 _They can give me everything_  
 _But at the end of the day_  
 _The only words I’ll say_  
 _Is “I just want you”_  
  
 _Ooooh, mmmm, mmmm_  
  
 _It’s all so simple when you break it all down_  
 _Two roads converged down the hollow ground_  
 _It’s taken all my life to hear the sacred sound_  
 _Of sweet simplicity_  
  
 _Saying “Give it all back, it don’t mean a thing”_  
 _You got a short-lived life and a song to sing_  
 _And the only way up is believing_  
 _And never looking down_  
  
 _So take it all away_  
 _If it isn’t meant for me_  
 _I don’t want the easy way_  
 _I just want you_  
 _They can give me everything_  
 _But at the end of the day_  
 _The only words I’ll say_  
 _Is “I just want you”_  
  
 _You, you, you_  
You, you, you, mmmm.


	49. Chapter 49

“You’re gonna get sick!” Lexi laughs as she takes a spoonful of frosting away from Dean, who’s now on his fourth spoonful.

Dean promptly grabs it back and shakes his head. “How long have you known me? Have I _ever_ gotten sick from food?

“ _This_.” Lexi steals it back, gives Dean a quick peck on the lips, then tosses the spoon into the soapy dishwater. “Is _not_ food. It’s butter, and vanilla, and powdered sugar. _That_.” She points to Dean’s plate of bacon and eggs with toast. “Is food, and it’s gettin’ cold.” She swats him on the ass. “Eat.”

“Yes ma’am,” he answers with his words drowning in innuendo and his face covered with a smirk. “And if I don’t eat? Is there more where that came from?”

Dean sits down at the table and Lexi rolls her eyes, then goes back to spreading the bright blue and green frosting on the cupcakes. “Since when do you not eat?”

“If the circumstances are worthy, I’ve been known to skip a meal or two. Just sayin’ is all.”

Tossing a quick glance over at Sam and Alex who are half watching morning cartoons and half gnawing on their blankets, Lexi scoops a finger full of bright green frosting on her pointer finger, walks over to Dean, and straddles his lap. He groans when she puts the right amount of pressure on all the proper places.

“So, what makes a situation _worthy_ , hmmm?” She touches his lips with the frosting, and he licks them clean.

“I’d say this one is well on it’s way.”

“Interesting.” She licks her finger and teasingly holds it away from Dean when his mouth goes for a lick too. “’Cause it seems to me.” She lets him lick some frosting off her finger. “We had _several_ worthy situations just a few short hours ago, am I right?”

Dean kisses her and passes his sweet frosting taste into her mouth. “Oh, we _did_.”

Lexi laughs darkly and rolls her hips over Dean, while she slowly pushes her frosting covered finger into his mouth. She lets him swirl his tongue around her finger and get as much frosting as he can, then she slowly pulls it back out again. “Then you _should_ be good for quite a while, right?”

He lets out a groan-slash-sigh and leans his forehead onto Lexi’s chin. “You are vicious.”

Kissing the top of Dean’s head, she stands up from his lap. “Eat your breakfast.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Dean uses the same innuendo-filled tone from earlier.

Throwing her head backward and letting out a mock-exasperated sigh, she groans. “Did I just imagine that all in my head?”

“Definitely not,” Dean says in a slightly miserable voice, readjusts his jeans, and smacks Lexi on the ass.

She smirks at him and licks the rest of the frosting off her finger, then makes a face. “Does this frosting taste weird to you?”

Through a mouthful of eggs, Dean answers, “Nope. Tastes good to me. You don’t like it?”

“Nuh uh, too sweet.”

“Really? I woulda thought you’d be all over that with The Red Coats gettin’ ready to invade.”

“ _The Red Coats_? Paul Revere, what the hell are you talking about?”

“We’ve been together for how long now? I can read a calendar and know well enough when _your lady time_ is coming.”

“Do I have to shut you up with frosting again?”

Dean sets down a piece of bacon and leans back in his chair. “Yes, please.”

-

Five hours later, Bobby is grilling various forms of beef and drinking a beer with Dean. Cas is sitting in the grass with baby Sam and Alex, counting aloud each blade of grass the birthday boys yank free from the ground. (He’s currently on three hundred and ninety-four)

Rufus stopped by shortly after the morning frosting incident, to drop off the boys’ presents. He stayed three point nine seconds before hopping back in his car and hauling ass down the driveway.

One of the guys that Dean works with on the construction crew stopped by as well, but explained he couldn’t stay. He mumbled something about being in the dog house with his wife, and that he needed to get back with a pint of Häagen-Dazs. He handed Dean two gift bags, shrugged his shoulders and said, “You know how it is.”

After the guy left, Dean smiled and thought to himself, _No, I really don’t._

Seconds later, Lexi walks up behind Bobby and Dean with two fresh bottles of beer for them.

“What are you smiling about?”

Dean wraps his arm around Lexi’s shoulder and kisses the top of her head. “Nothing.”

Everyone’s head turns to watch the Sheriff’s car that drives down Lexi and Dean’s driveway.

“Uh oh, here comes trouble.” Bobby groans.

“No way,” Lexi whispers, and Dean watches her get a huge smile on her face.

The _Sheriff_ marked car parks a good ten feet away from Lexi, Dean, Bobby, and the grill, and the Sheriff steps out.

“I can’t believe it,” Lexi murmurs. “It’s Jody.”

“You know her?” Dean asks quietly.

Lexi nods her head and whispers, “She’s Bobby’s wife.”

Bobby whips his head around so fast his trucker cap almost flies off. “My _what_?”

Lexi doesn’t get to answer because Jody’s standing right in front of them. “Afternoon, Singer.”

“Sheriff.” Bobby nods his head slightly. Both Lexi and Dean notice his cheeks are a little pink. “What can I do for ya?”

Jody holds up a sketch that they all immediately recognize as Rufus. “Any of you seen this man? Rufus Tunner, AKA: Luther Vandros, AKA: Reuben Studdard.

Dean and Lexi dutifully shake their heads, and Bobby answers, “Nope. Never seen that dick before.”

“How do you know he’s a dick?”

“Lucky guess.”

“Look, Singer. I got a witness that puts Turner at your salvage yard, and they say he was carrying a body.”

“Sorry, Sheriff. I don’t know what to tell ya,” Bobby lies.

Jody rolls her eyes and looks at Lexi. “You’re new.”

A huge smile spreads across Lexi’s face. “Yeah, Lexi Winchester.” She extends her hand to Jody. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Sheriff Jody Mills.” Jody shakes her hand. “ _Winchester_? You guys tie the knot already?”

Again, Bobby’s head whips around, but his hat stays in place.

“Umm.” Lexi looks up at Dean.

Jody smirks. “Someone called in a three-eleven over at The Wagon Wheel last night. Said a couple kids got hot and heavy after a marriage proposal.”

Bobby gets a disgusted look on his face. “You proposed to her at The Wagon Wheel?”

Dean shrugs his shoulders and grins.

“A three-eleven?” Lexi scoffs. “We were _hardly_ indecent.”

“No, but I’m pretty sure you were well on your way. Those windows on that Impala were pretty fogged up,” Jody adds.

Bobby rolls his eyes, but Dean slyly interjects. “Yes, they were.”

Lexi elbows him in the ribs. “Not helping."

“So you two kids high-tail it to Vegas last night?” The Sheriff asks.

“Nope.” Dean shakes his head. “Not _yet_.”

Jody squints at Dean and then looks back to Lexi. “So why the ‘Winchester’?” As soon as she asks, she feels the whole mood of the conversation shift.

Lexi looks down at the ground and digs the toe of her shoe in the dirt. Dean pulls her closer to him, and he softly kisses the side of her head. “It’s a long story,” Lexi whispers.

“Oh.” Jody pauses and after a few beats, then shifts where she stands. “Well, Singer. I know you’re givin’ me a line o’crap, and I got a couple of Feds trying to get a warrant to search your property. I might be able to throw ‘em off your trail if you help me out. You wanna come down to the station?”

Bobby flips the beef on the grill. “Can it wait until later? We’re kinda in the middle of a party here.”

Jody peeks around the three people in front of her and looks at Cas, Sam, and Alex playing in the grass, and her face softens. “Of course, but don’t make me come find you. Six o’clock, at the station. Don’t be late.”

Bobby nods his head and Jody turns to walk back to her squad car.

Lexi checks the watch on Dean’s wrist and sees it’s one-thirty PM, which she remembers is Jody’s lunch break time. “Sheriff?”

Jody turns back. “Yeah?”

“You wanna stay for lunch? Bobby makes a mean burger.”

“Maybe another time.”

“Oh.” Lexi can’t control the disappointment in her tone, and Jody hears it.

“You got any coffee?”

Lexi smiles. “I can make some.”

“Good, ‘cause it’s my lunch break, and it’s gonna be a long day.”

Jody and Lexi walk toward the cabin, and Jody stops to look at the two boys playing in the grass. “They yours?”

Lexi nods her head. “Sam and Alex. They’re one today.”

“Sam? Ohhhh.” Jody silently puts the pieces of the situation together and looks around. “Is he here too?”

“No,” Lexi says softly and shakes her head. “He’s been _gone_ for a year now.”

“Oh.” Jody puts her hand on Lexi’s shoulder and give her a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“It’s okay. C’mon, I’ll make you that coffee.”

-

Dean watches Lexi and the Sheriff walk inside the cabin, then he turns to Bobby. “So apparently you go and get all wife’d up in the future!”

Bobby rolls his eyes. “Doubtful. And you’re one to talk. Proposin’ at The damn Wagon Wheel. Didn’t I teach you anything, ya damn idjit?”

“Hey! It worked! Where are you going to propose, Mr. Sheriff Mills?”

Bobby carefully hooks the metal spatula on the handle of the grill, takes off his vest and throws it to the ground with his hat. “You know,” he starts with a grin on his face. “You’re not so big that I can’t whoop you.”

Dean sets down his beer. “Oh, yeah… _Grandpa_?”

Bobby and Dean scuffle in the grass while Cas, Alex, and Sam watch with grins on their faces. Lexi and Jody walk out of the cabin and watch with coffee in their hands while they shake their heads.

“Singer, you’re gonna give yourself a coronary!”

But Bobby and Dean don’t hear Jody.

After a few twists and turns, Bobby chuckles when he’s got Dean in a headlock, and he watches Dean’s cheeks turn pink. “You wanna take back that _Grandpa_ comment?” Dean’s laughing so hard that he can’t breathe, so he taps Bobby’s arm, and Bobby loosens his grip. “You and Lexi really gonna get married?” Bobby asks.

“Yep. You _really_ gonna be Mr. Sheriff Mills?” Dean sasses and tries to fight Bobby’s grip.

Bobby laughs, mutters a soft, “Idjit," under his breath, then pulls his arm tighter. “I really get hitched to the Sheriff?”

“I guess. What me to find out the details?”

Bobby lets Dean loose and playfully shoves him away. “What? No. No.”

Dean grabs both the beers from the ground and hands one to Bobby. “I’ll find out tonight.”

“This is the craziest damn birthday party I’ve ever been too,” Bobby muses while he goes back to flipping his burgers.

“You and me both, Grandpa Mills. You and me both...”

-

After Dean and Bobby go back to acting their proper ages, Lexi and Jody go back inside the house and sit down at the table with their coffee.

“How long have you known Bobby?” Jody asks.

“Well… Technically, since I was about eighteen. He knew my uncle and after my uncle passed away, I stayed with Bobby for a while.”

“ _Technically_?”

“Sheriff, how much do you know about Bobby, and what he _does_?”

“How much do you know?” Jody asks after a quick pause.

“A lot.”

“Do you know where Rufus is hiding?”

“I know what your witness saw wasn’t quite true, and I know Bobby _took care of it_. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“Yeah.” Jody nods. “I get it.” Lexi refills her coffee, and Jody ask. “So you’ve been around _all this_ , since you were eighteen?”

“It seems like I’ve been around _all this_ for a couple lifetimes now.”

“Burgers are done!” Bobby announces when he walks into the cabin.

Dean’s got Sam in his arms, and Cas is holding Alex, and they both put the two very excited little boys into their high chairs.

“You got enough time to eat?” Lexi asks Jody.

“I got a few minutes left.”

“Eat a burger and take your cupcake on the road.”

“Works for me.”

Lexi breaks up little pieces of grilled hotdog for Sam and Alex on the trays of their high chairs and gives them each a small handful of cooled steamed green beans. Neither of the birthday boys seem to care about their green beans, so Cas softly reminds them that if they eat their green beans, they get cake. They each promptly shove a green bean in their mouth.

“Wow! You’re really good with them,” Jody tells Cas.

Bobby, Lexi, and Dean smirk.

“Well, I can understand many forms of ‘baby. As an ang--"

“Okay, Cas!” Dean cuts him off and throws a grin to Jody. “Let’s get you a burger.”

Everyone sits down at the table and eats their steaks or burgers. Bobby’s cheeks keep flushing whenever Jody talks to him, and Dean and Lexi can hardly control their smiles. After the meal is finished, Jody and Lexi clear the plates, while Dean gets the blue and green cupcakes on the table.

They all sings the Happy Birthday song to Sam and Alex, who clap their hands enthusiastically. Cas takes pictures of the boys as they devour their prized cupcakes, and Dean holds Lexi to his chest while they watch.

No one notices the sad look on Jody’s face, until Lexi hears the sound of the door open and then close, when Jody tries to sneak out.

Lexi goes after her. “Are you okay?”

Jody wipes her face and smiles through her tears. “I remember my son’s first birthday.”

“I know,” Lexi says sympathetically, and then realizes what she just did.

“How?” Jody demands.

“Um, I was here, when…. The _thing_ happened, when everyone…you know, _came back_. Bobby told me about your husband and son, I’m so sorry.”

Before Jody can say anything, Bobby rushes out the front door of the cabin and skids to halt when he sees Jody and Lexi standing there. “Uh, Sheriff, you forgot your cupcake.”

A surprised smile shows on Jody’s face. “Thanks, Singer. Wouldn’t want to forget my cupcake. Oh, and don’t worry ‘bout comin’ down to the station later, Lexi took care of everything for you.”

“You did?” Bobby looks at Lexi with huge eyes.

“That’s my girl!” Dean comes up behind Lexi and wraps his arms around her.

Jody laughs and walks toward her car, but stops and turns back to Lexi. “Would you want to get dinner or something later this week? Seems like you’re floating in a ton of testosterone in there.”

Lexi is so happy she could almost cry. “Yeah. I’ll call you tonight.”

“I get done with work at seven.” Jody gets in her car and takes a bite of her cupcake, smiling and wiping the bright green frosting from her lips.

Lexi whispers, “I know.”

-

When the sugar rush finally wears off, Sam and Alex are asleep for the evening in their crib, and Lexi’s just gotten off the phone with Jody.

“So, you got a hot date this weekend?” Dean teases.

“Yup; a hot, spunky brunette, who likes uniforms and handcuffs.”

“Can _I_ come?”

“Most certainly not. Saturday night will be a testosterone free evening.”

“Will there be pictures?”

“In your dreams.”

After the kitchen is cleaned up, and all things birthday are put away, Dean and Lexi collapse in bed.

“One year old’s birthdays are exhausting,” Dean groans into his pillow.

“I can feel my teeth rotting from that frosting.”

Dean rolls over. “That frosting was go-ood.”

“I watched you eat four cupcakes, but you didn’t make any of your pies. Do I need to get the salt and holy water?”

“Hey! Those were some good cupcakes.” Dean kisses Lexi and shuts off the lamp.

“Why, thank you,” Lexi says as she snuggles into bed with her back pressed up against Dean’s front.

“So, what are you going to tell Jody?”

“The truth.”

Dean’s slightly shocked. “All of it?”

“I don’t want to lie, she’s a friend, and it’s not like she’s exactly in the dark about everything. She’s covered for Bobby a couple times now.”

“Speaking of which…” He kisses the skin behind her ear.

“Here it comes,” Lexi teases.

“Bobby wants to know when he and the Sheriff get together.” He kisses down her neck and works his hands under her shirt.

“What, are we in middle school now? He’s a grown man, tell him to ask her out!”

“But when?” Dean’s hands slide Lexi’s underwear down her legs.

“Is this some new government approved enhanced interrogation technique?”

“After this morning’s frosting incident, I think some sort of _enhanced technique_ might be suitable.”

“And if I just give up the information, can I roll over and go to bed?” She teases and reaches back to kiss Dean, but he pulls away and chuckles darkly.

“I don’t think so.”

“But, sir,” she starts in a thick European accent. “I swear, I don’t have any information on when Mr. Singer and Sheriff Mills get married.”

Dean flips her on her back, so he’s kneeling between her legs. “We’ll see about that.”

-

The next week comes and goes and finally it’s Saturday evening. Dean’s watched Lexi change her clothes five times now, and finally she’s putting on her shoes, so he thinks _she thinks_ she’s finally got the right shirt.

“You a little nervous?” Dean teases.

She shoots him a look. “Ya think? Maybe I shouldn’t do this?” She wrings her hands. “What if I mess something else up? What if—“

“Lex, everything is different now. _You_ said so, maybe this is how it’s supposed to happen?”

“You really think so?”

Dean shakes his head and gives her a half grin. “I honestly have no idea, but it makes sense. Things are different now, right?”

“Well, aside from the obvious, yeah. I mean, Jody was supposed to show up at Bobby’s after Rufus brought an Okami to his house to have Bobby bury it.

“An Okami, _here_?”

“Yeah. Rufus didn’t kill it right, and it got loose.”

“A bamboo dagger, blessed by a Shinto priest? Stab the thing seven times?”

“Yeah, but Bobby just shoved it in the wood chipper.”

“That works too.” Dean chuckles.

“And then the Feds caught up with Rufus after he busted into some place to get an heirloom of Crowley’s son’s.”

“Why?”

“Bobby wanted to _get in touch_ with Crowley’s son, so he could find Crowley's bones, and get himself out of the deal.”

“But you already did that.”

“YES! So, I messed things up, AGAIN! Jody never showed up at Bobby’s house, she came here.”

“Well, they still met up today? Maybe that counts?”

“I don’t know, Dean. Maybe I shouldn’t do this? Jody _really_ finds out about all this stuff _later_.”

“Maybe _now_ she’s supposed to find out about it _now_?”

“Maybe.” Lexi checks Dean’s watch. “I gotta go. I’m gonna be late.” She steps up on her tiptoes and kisses him.

“See you when you get back.”

“If she doesn’t kill me first,” Lexi says dryly and walks out of the cabin.

-

It takes about an hour and twenty minutes to get to Jody’s house, and she parks the Scottsdale out front. With the only proof she has of who she is and where she comes from tucked in her pocket, Lexi walks up the sidewalk that, in another life, she’s walked up thousands of times.

A couple minutes later, Lexi’s sitting on Jody’s couch, and Jody yells from the kitchen, “I’ve got wine, beer, Scotch, root beer…”

Lexi’s stomach flips over for the umpteenth time in the last thirty seconds. “Just water, please.”

Jody comes out of the kitchen with two bottles of water and sits down on the couch next to Lexi. “You’re an easy one to please.” She hands Lexi the water.

“I do what I can.” Lexi smiles.

“So, you said you and Dean are getting married. Congratulations are in order. Have you guys---“

“Jody,” Lexi interrupts. “Before we do that, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay…”

“You know how we talked before about how Bobby is _involved_ with stuff?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I kinda am too.”

“I got that.”

“And there’s so much more out there, than you could possibly know right now.”

“Right now?”

“Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it. Try really hard not to freak out.”

“I’ll do my best…”

Lexi pulls her 2014 driver’s license out of her pocket and hands it to Jody. “Look at the date.”

“2014? But that’s…” Jody flips the soft plastic ID card over in her hands and looks at it. “This isn’t fake.”

“No.” Lexi shakes her head. “It’s not.”

“But…”

“I’m from 2014. Bobby, and Cas and another friend worked a spell that sent me back to 2007 after _my_ Sam and Dean died.”

“Cas? The doofy guy that lives with Bobby?”

“Right. He used to be an angel.”

“An angel?” Jody stands up from the couch. “So let me get this straight. You’re from four years into the future? And you’re telling me this, why?”

Lexi pulls the last piece of evidence she has from her pocket and hands it to Jody. “Because you’re my best friend.”

Jody stares at the small picture in her hands. “This is a picture of you and me.”

“Yes.”

“From the future.” Jody stands up from the couch and paces to the right.

“Yes.”

“My hair is short.” She paces to the left.

“Yes.”

“When did we… What is… What is this?” She paces back to the right.

“It’s a picture of you and me, at a barbeque at Bobby’s house. You got a new camera and we were messing around with it.”

Jody looks at the back of the picture. “2013?”

“Yes, you took the picture almost a year before I came back.”

“So you literally traveled through time.”

“Yes.”

“This is not how I expected this evening to go.” Jody pinches the bridge of her nose and sits back down next to Lexi.

“It’s going better than what I thought it would.”

“That’s not my wedding ring on my finger.” Jody points to her future-self in the picture.

“Well, it is, but…”

“Who am I married to?”

“Jody, I don’t think—“

“Tell me who I’m married to!”

Lexi runs her fingers through her hair. “Bobby.”

“Okay,” Jody laughs angrily. “I may have thought you were crazy before, but now I _know_ you’re crazy.”

“Why would I make this up?”

“Because you’re CRAZY!”

“I swear, I’m really not.”

Jody sets the driver’s license and the picture in Lexi’s hands and calmly says, “I think you need to go.”

“But Jody, I swear, I’m not—“

She’s already got her front door open and is waiting for Lexi to walk through it. “Please, just go.”

Lexi stands up from the couch, shoves everything back inside her pockets and walks out Jody’s door, but before she walks back to the Scottsdale, she turns around and looks at Jody. “I swear,” Lexi whispers, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “I never meant to hurt you, and I am telling the truth. You are my best—“

The door slams in Lexi’s face.

-

An hour and twenty minutes later, Lexi parks the Scottsdale next to the Impala and slowly walks into the cabin. Dean’s sitting on the couch with his back to her.

“Didn’t expect you back so soon. How did—“ He stops when he sees Lexi’s puffy eyes and red face. Dean stands up from the couch and goes over to Lexi. “Hey. It’s alright. What happened?”

Lexi laughs through her tears. “She thinks I’m crazy and she made me leave and slammed the door on my face. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I always mess stuff up.” Dean hugs her, and she cries into his chest. “And now I might have messed things up for Bobby. They were so happy.”

“I’m sure you didn’t mess things up.” Dean leads Lexi over to the kitchen sink and digs one of the boys’ wash cloths out of the drawer. He gets it wet with cold water and washes Lexi’s face. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

-

At six o’clock the next morning, Lexi wakes up to a pounding on the front door. She untangles herself from Dean’s arms, shrugs on her bathrobe, and stumbles into the kitchen. Once she opens the front door, she sees Jody standing there with two coffees and a bag of donuts.

Jody barges inside the cabin. “If you make a comment about the donuts, I swear I’ll arrest you right now.”

Lexi shrugs sleepily. “I like donuts.”

Dean comes flying out of the bedroom in his underwear and groans. “What the hell is going on?”

“Hi, Dean.” Jody raises an eyebrow at his boxer briefs.

“Too much estrogen," Dean grumbles. "I’m goin’ back to bed.”

After Dean closes the bedroom door, Jody sits down at the table. “Were you telling the truth last night?”

Lexi hesitantly sits down next to her. “I swear to God, Jody. Every word was the truth.”

Jody nods her head and stares into her steaming cup of coffee. “Okay, start at the beginning.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 50. Wow.  
> Hang on to your feels kids, this one is rough.
> 
> PS. if you're re-reading this, it'll be a little different this time around. A reader found an error in my interpretation of the spn canon and I had to revise. I think I've got the previous issues taken care of now.

Dean’s carrying a shoulder full of two-by-fours when out of the corner of his eye he sees Sheriff Mills talking to his foreman. It’s been two weeks since he’s seen Jody, but he knows that she and Lexi have been talking almost every day on the phone. To him it seems the two women have picked up right where they left off…. Will leave off…. Whatever.

His foreman points over to Dean, and as soon as Jody’s eyes meet his, he knows something’s wrong. The shoulder load of wood falls to the ground, and he runs over to Jody.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just come with me, and I’ll tell you on the way.” Jody pats Dean on the shoulder and starts to lead him to her squad car, but Dean won’t move.

“Jody, I swear to God…. Tell me what’s wrong! Is it Lexi? The boys? Bobby?”

Jody takes a deep breath and looks up at Dean. “Lexi’s in the hospital, but she’s fine. I would have brought her home myself, but her doctor needs to talk to you about a few things. Bobby and Cas have the boys.”

“Well, how did she- When did the --” Dean stammers, then collects himself. “What the hell happened?”

“You should really wait and have Lexi explain it to you.”

“Will you just freakin’ tell me!?”

“Lexi…. She-she had a miscarriage, but she’s fine, _physically_.” Jody watches Dean’s face turn pale. Her hand tightens on his shoulder, but her face stays soft. “She’s a little shaken up, but the doctor had to give her --”

Jody’s cut off when Dean sprints across the construction site and jumps in the Impala.

-

Fifteen minutes later, Dean’s skidding to a stop at the front desk of the Emergency Room. “Lexi Winch-I mean, Garrison. Which room is she in?”

“Are you family?” The woman, who’s speaking way too slowly for Dean to even begin to hang on to his patience, asks him.

“YES!”

“Name?”

Her nasal tone makes Dean want to throw things, but he doesn’t. “Dean Winchester.”

“I see. Please sign these forms and you can --”

He slams his hand down on the desk. “WHAT DAMN ROOM IS SHE IN?!”

“Mr. Winchester.” The lady behind the desk adjusts her reading glasses. “If you sign these forms you may take her home.”

Dean grits his teeth. “Fine.” He quickly scratches his name over what seems like thirteen hundred and nine forms and slams his health insurance card on the desk. “Do you need a copy of _War and Peace_ , too?”

The lady behind the desk purses her lips and straightens the forms Dean’s just signed, then tucks them into a manila folder. “That won’t be necessary. Ms. Garrison is in room twelve.”

Once again, Dean hauls ass down the hallway, but stops once he gets to the room with the number twelve on the door. He learned when Sam was a kid, and re-learned with baby Sam and Alex, that when someone is upset or hurt, you have to keep your shit together. If they see you losing your cool, they get more upset, and the last thing Dean wants is to upset Lexi.

After a couple deep breaths, he slowly opens the door and peeks his head inside, but someone taps him on his shoulder.

“Dean Winchester?”

Dean spins around and sees a middle-aged woman in a white coat. “Yeah?”

“I’m Dr. Fieldman. I’ve been taking care of Ms. Garrison since she was admitted. She’s resting now. We gave her a light sedative shortly after the Sheriff brought her in.”

“What happened? She miscarried? We didn’t even know….”

“It seems her pregnancy was in the very early stages, and unfortunately there wasn’t anything I could do except make her comfortable until you arrived. I’m very sorry.”

“Why the sedative?”

“She was very upset. She told me that she lost a child before.” Dr. Fieldman looks in the file in her arms. “But I don’t seem to have any record of that.”

 ** _Children_** _! She lost **two** children, and it’s not in your damn file because it hasn’t happened!_ “Can I see her?”

“She’ll probably be asleep for a little while yet, but when she does wakes up, find a nurse, and then you can take her home. If you have any questions, here’s my card.”

Dean nods his head, tucks the card in his pocket, and Dr. Fieldman walks away.

Inside the small hospital room, he sees Lexi sleeping in the hospital bed. Her face is so pale. Dean’s throat clenches, his eyes burn, but he ignores it.

There’s a chair next to Lexi’s bed, and he sits down it in as softly as he can, then grabs her hand and holds it against his lips.

“Lex, you were pregnant?” Dean whispers, “I didn’t know. We’ve never talked about--”

“Dean,” Lexi mumbles in her sleep, interrupting him. He waits a minute for her to wake up, but she doesn’t.

“Lex, I’m right here.” He kisses her hand and watches her continue to sleep.

_Lexi’s walking through the hallway of her home, her 2014-home, and she smells a familiar smell. It’s a smell that she knows she should know, but she can’t place it. The edges of her vision are blurry, and nothing looks quite the way it should. She knows she’s dreaming._

_She turns the corner of the hallway and sees a different version of herself, the 2014-version of herself and Sam, snuggled up together and sleeping on the couch, while future-Dean is in the recliner eating a piece of pizza and drinking a beer. When the credits for whatever movie they were watching start to play, Dean turns off the TV, takes the pizza box into the kitchen, along with the empty bottles of beer, and throws them away,_

_Immediately, Lexi knows what she’s watching. It’s the night of the fire, and the smell she’s been smelling is sulfur._

_She runs after future-Dean in the kitchen and starts to scream at him, “Can’t you smell that? It’s SULFUR! IT’S HAPPENING!”_

_But it’s just a dream, just a memory, and Dean doesn’t hear her. He goes into the bathroom and brushes his teeth with the extra toothbrush he always kept in the house, even though he had his own bathroom in his apartment. Once he’s done, he leaves the bathroom, walks down to the nursery, opens the white door with the flowers on it, and peeks in on his nieces. After he’s satisfied that they’re sleeping soundly, Lexi watches him close the door and make his way back to the living room._

_“Dean, don’t go to bed! Pay attention! He’s HERE!” Lexi yells at him, but he just walks right past her._

_Dean grabs the blanket off the back of the couch and covers both 2014-Lexi and Sam. He also takes the baby monitor off the coffee table, puts it in the 2014-Lexi’s hand, then makes his way through the living room, kitchen, dining room, to his apartment._

_Dreaming-Lexi chases after him and pleads as loudly as she can, “NO! Don’t leave them! He’s going to come back, he’s going to kill them all, and it’s going to happen RIGHT NOW!” But Dean still doesn’t hear her, and he closes the door to his apartment._

_She runs back into the living room. Future-Sam has already stood up from the couch, but Lexi knows that’s not Sam. Even though this is just a dream, it’s as if future-Sam can see Lexi, because an evil grin spreads across his lips._

_Those are Sam’s lips, but that’s not Sam._

_2014-Lexi stays asleep on the couch, and Lexi, the one who’s dreaming about this horrific memory, follows the Sam-that-isn’t-Sam into their daughters’ bedroom._

_“Please don’t do this,” Lexi whispers, “Sam, you can fight this. You fought Lucifer. You can fight this bastard too.”_

_“Except I’m not Lucifer,” Sam’s voice whispers in the dark, but the tone is too rough, too harsh. It’s not Sam, but he uses Sam’s hand to gently stroke Antonia’s sleeping face._

_Just like the first time, Lexi sees the glowing yellow eyes in the dark, and it really hits her how yellow they are. Of course, she’d never seen them in person until the first time she experienced this moment. She’d only read about them and heard about them on the rare occasion that Sam and Dean would talk about Azazel, and at this moment, in her dream, it hits Lexi all over again._

_“We never knew how you did this. Dean killed you.”_

_“Yes, you did; you all did. That’s why they sent you back. You’ve always known.”_

_“We figured it was something to do with hell….” Lexi shakes her head. He’s wrong. She’s never known. “Sam’s time in the cage, but we never knew how.”_

_“I have friends in high…well, **low**  places,” Azazel explains using Sam’s voice. “When Lucifer walked this earth, he brought many of us back, but I needed the right vessel before I could launch my comeback tour.”_

_“How? Why Sam? Why us?”_

_“Because it always had to be Sam,” Azazel explains nostalgically. “Had to be one of my special children, and the chosen one had to go to hell, so I could ride his soul out. I thought I was in real trouble when Castiel brought m’boy Sam back missing that one major piece, but we all know how that turned out. I had to wait, but I was patient. Then, Big Boss Man Death came down and scooped dear ol’Sammy’s soul up from the cage, and I hung on for the ride. Unfortunately, my patience would be tested even more.”_

_Azazel takes his hand away from Antonia’s cheek and slowly pulls open the first few buttons of Sam’s shirt. He tugs the collar to the left side side, using his pointer finger to draw an invisible circle on Sam’s unmarred skin._

_Lexi’s stomach turns. She can’t breathe. She feels hot even though she shouldn’t, and as Azazel uses Sam’s finger to circle his chest, it all becomes very clear to her._

_As if Azazel can read her thoughts, his grin widens. “I had to wait until Sam was done sporting the no-demons-allowed-tattoo. I didn’t think it would ever happen, in fact, for a little while, I even lost faith, but then the most peculiar thing happened: Hell closed. You and Sam and Dean embraced the apple pie-life. Dean put up the salt gun and got a job, you and Sam popped out a couple of babies, and I watched every Cleaver family moment. All my pieces literally fell into place, just like they were always supposed to. I didn’t even have to do anything. I just watched.”_

_“And you ruined everything!” Lexi yells. There’s an empty pain in her middle, the edges of the room blur just a little bit more, and she remembers that this is just a dream. “This isn’t real.”_

_“It’s very real.” Azazel reaches forward and twists a lock of Lexi’s long hair. She tries to pull away, but he uses Sam’s hands to pull her close to him. “Tell me what they did,” he hisses in Lexi’s ear. “Tell me how this night came to be. I know you know. You’ve **always**  known.”_

_Lexi’s arms hurt where Azazel tightly squeezes Sam’s fingers into her skin. With a valiant effort, she tries to wrench herself away, but a dark laugh that sounds like a depraved version of something so familiar to Lexi is her only answer._

_“I don’t know_   _what happened_ ," _Lexi starts, but she only does what Azazel says because something tells her that this will never end until it's finished. "But Dean promised me that **it** was **all over**. Things were normal…perfect, and then one day, Sam and Dean came home. We all ate supper, Sam and I went to bed, and the anti-possession tattoo was gone. He and Dean had Cas burn them off. Sam said that they were done, for real this time. Heaven promised them that their job was done.” Lexi looks up into yellow eyes that don’t belong to Sam and growls, “But then  **you** came along.”_

_“But then I came along,” Azazel sing-songs back._

_“That night was months before this. Why now?”_

_Azazel takes his hands away from Lexi and reaches down to stroke Antonia’s chubby little hand._ “ _Like I said, the pieces just fell into place. This little one, she’s exactly six months old today.” He smirks sinisterly when her fist wraps around his finger, and she smiles up at what she thinks is her father. “I’ve always been a sucker for nostalgia.”_

_Suddenly the other-Lexi storms in the room with the salt gun. Lexi watches her other-self pause for a second and study Sam’s newly yellow eyes, but she pulls the trigger in a half-second. Azazel doesn’t flinch one of Sam’s muscles._

_He just looks at the dreaming Lexi and smirks. “You remember what comes next, right? And to think, none of this would have happened if you and Mary would have just stayed asleep.”_

_With just a glance of yellow eyes, the Lexi with the salt gun is thrown out of the nursery, and Azazel follows her, the nursery door slamming shut behind them. The dreaming Lexi looks around the nursery at the flames and at her screaming daughters. Just as she runs to scoop them up from their beds, she’s transported outside, where she watches The Yellow Eyed Demon use Sam’s fists to beat future-Lexi into the ground, over and over and over again._

_“Dean!” Dream-Lexi screams, but when Dean doesn’t come, she runs to somehow try to help the other version of herself. Halfway there, she freezes when she hears a gun shot. Her eyes follow the sound of the gun, and she knows what she’s going to see. She’ll never forget this as long as she lives._

_Future-Dean collapses to his knees in the dirt of the driveway with the smoking Colt in his hand, just as Sam’s body falls to the ground. There’s a few seconds of quiet: just the fire crackling behind them and the sound of sirens in the distance, but there’s one tiny noise that cuts clear through everything._

_“Dean?” Sam calls out to his brother and rolls onto his back, his hazel eyes filled with fear and tears, but no longer yellow._

_Dream-Lexi watches as Dean runs over to his brother and presses his hands into the bleeding wound in Sam’s chest. “You’re gonna be okay. Ambulance is coming, don’t you dare die on me. Not like this, and not after everything.”_

_Future-Sam groans and tries to shake his head. “Where’s Lexi? What happened? Oh God….” He slowly turns his head toward the flames, and dream-Lexi can actually see Sam remember everything. “It was him, Dean! Yellow Eyes. He….”_

_“Sam?” Lexi hears the other version of herself call out in a ragged and gurgle-y voice._

_She watches as Sam’s hand moves in the grass and grabs 2014-Lexi’s hand: the last time Sam ever touched her._

_“I’m sorry,” future-Sam chokes out._

_“Dammit, Sam, NO!” Future-Dean presses harder into Sam’s chest, but dream-Lexi can see the blood gush through his fingers._

_“It’s okay.” Sam turns his head and looks over at future-Lexi. “I love you.”_

_Lexi remembers this. She couldn’t even say it back, she wanted to, but she couldn’t speak. Grief, pain, massively bruised vocal cords, shock, devastation: they all took her voice away._

_Sam turns his head back to Dean. “Take care of Lexi,” he pleads and grabs onto Dean’s shirt collar. “Keep her safe.”_

_“I will,” Dean tearfully promises his brother and pats his hands death-gripping his shirt. “I promise I will.”_

_Dream-Lexi watches the night everything in her life burned to the ground. She watches future-Dean pull his brother’s limp and lifeless body to his chest with one arm, and a broken and bleeding Lexi to him with his other arm, and two of them watch as the flames, once again, take everything away._

_Just when Lexi thinks it’s over, Future-Dean turns his face and looks directly up at her. “Lex, I’m right here.”_

“DEAN!” Lexi screams when her eyes pop open in the hospital bed.

“Lex, I’m right here,” Dean tells her while stoking her hair. “It’s okay; I’ve got you.”

“Dean!” Lexi scrambles to grab onto Dean’s shirt and jacket, and he watches her eyes dart around the room. “It happened again.”

“Lex, you’re in the hospital, but you’re okay.”

“I tried to tell you, but you couldn’t hear me! And I couldn’t do anything! The fire….” Lexi closes her eyes, but tears still fall. “He’s gone, they’re gone, and you….”

 _The fire_. “You’re safe. It’s okay. It’s not real.” He climbs in bed next to Lexi and holds her while she cries. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“You’re going to leave me,” she sobs with her eyes still closed. “I know what happens next, I remember, I’ve already done this. You leave, and you’re gone, and then I have to go back.”

Dean knows it’s the drugs, knows that Lexi’s confused, but the things she’s saying are still true, and they slice through him like a blade. “I’m not leaving, _ever_. I’m right here.”

“You will,” she tearfully whispers. “I know you will.”

“No,” Dean promises. “Not this time.”

Eventually, Lexi falls back to sleep, but Dean doesn’t move. He knows she was dreaming about the fire, that awful night where she lost everything, and he’s not going to let that happen again. He stays by her side and whispers, “It’s okay. I’m right here. I love you, Lex. I’m not leaving.”

Dean doesn’t move when the nurses come in and take Lexi’s vitals, he doesn’t move with they take out her IV drip, and he doesn’t move when she wakes up.

“Dean?” Lexi whispers in a sleep-rough voice.

“I’m right here.”

“I know.” Her voice is so flat that he almost doesn’t recognize it. “Did they tell you?”

“Yeah,” Dean’s voice cracks. “They told me.”

“Sorry about… _before_. I dreamed….” Lexi rubs her hand over her middle. “ _This_ kind of brought back…. Everything from _before_. I was there. I watched everything. I saw myself and the salt gun, and Sam, and he was --”

Dean interrupts her, “Lex?”

“Hmmm?”

“Would I be a total dick if I said I didn’t want to know? It’s just two times now I’ve watched Sam….” Dean pauses and shakes his head. “I can’t-I can’t do it again. I can’t see that in my head, and I’m sorry because I know you have to see it every day, but I just can’t.”

He feels Lexi wipe away tears on his cheeks that he didn’t even know were there. “It’s okay. You won’t ever have to see it.”

They both stay quiet in the small hospital bed, curled around each other. Dean kisses her forehead and softly strokes her hair, while Lexi breathes in sawdust, spice, and Dean.

“Dean?”

“Hmmm?”

“Please, take me home.”

He climbs out of the bed and scoops Lexi up into his arms. “Anything you want.”

 


	51. Chapter 51

Dean takes the rest of the week off from work, and Cas is watching the boys for the night at Bobby’s house. Bobby’s painted one of the big rooms upstairs and set it up just for when the boys come over: it’s completely kid proofed.

Two days after the hospital, Lexi’s asleep in bed, curled up next to Dean, who’s reading one of her Reader’s Digests. He carefully gets up out of bed when he hears her phone ringing, but by the time Dean finds her phone in the bottom of her purse, amongst the dozen lip glosses, two dozen rolls of half-eaten breath mints, and more pens than he could use in a lifetime, the call has ended. The number is unavailable and they didn’t leave a voice mail, so Dean shuts it off and puts it back in her purse. Anyone who would possibly want to talk to her, knows just to call her on Dean’s phone if she doesn’t answer.

When he pulls his hand out of Lexi’s purse, he finds a small white paper bag from the hospital, and inside he sees a handful of prescriptions. He tucks the white paper bag under his arm, grabs a couple bottles of water from the fridge, and goes back into the bedroom. Lexi’s still asleep.

Wondering if Lexi’s supposed to be taking the prescriptions at a certain time, Dean looks in the bag and reads the labels and sees that they’re all Orthotricyclin.

“Unless you’re lookin’ for your boys to shrink down a size or two, I wouldn’t take those if I were you,” Lexi sleepily teases.

“Hey.” Dean smiles and kisses her softly. “Do you need anything?” When she shakes her head no and gives him a small smile, he asks, “Are you supposed to be taking these right away?”

“The doctor wrote down when I’m supposed to start them. It’s in the bag.”

“What are they?”

“Birth control pills.” Lexi grabs the bottle of water from next to her on the bed and takes a drink.

“Oh.”

“Why did you say _oh_ , like that? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t know.” Dean tucks the packets back into the bag.

“I just thought a little extra protection might be useful.”

“’Cause you don’t want any more baby Winchesters walkin’ around?”

Lexi laughs. “What?”

“That’s what you said, before. The first time we… You and me.”

“The boys were like two months old. They hardly ever slept, we constantly smelled like spit up, and we were exhausted. Of course I didn’t want any more baby Winchesters walking around, then. I was surrounded.” She smirks and leans into Dean. “Still am.”

“So, how you feelin’? You hungry or anything? Should I go get some Chinese? Extra spring rolls?”

“Call Jody. She said she’d bring us dinner tonight if we wanted. She’s been dying to mother hen me since I got home from the hospital.”

“I know, she’s called me about ten times askin’ if we need anything.”

“She hasn’t changed.” Lexi smiles and digs in the white paper bag for her prescription.

Dean watches her pop a pill out of the foil and bring it up to her mouth. “Lex?”

“Hmm?”

“How many kids did you want to have? You know, _before_?”

Lexi plays with the tiny pill in her hand. “I don’t know. I was an only child, and I always thought…but it’s different now.”

“So you and Sammy woulda had a truck load of kids, huh?”

Lexi flinches. “I don’t know… Maybe? Dean, I don’t really want to talk about this right now. I just…”

“Yeah, no, sorry. You’re right.” Dean grabs his phone out of his pocket and starts to call Jody. “So extra spring rolls? What else?”

Lexi stares at the pill in her hand. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“How many kids would _you_ want to have? Is that what this is about? I know we’ve never talked about it before, I just assumed…”

Dean shoves his phone in his pocket and lays down next to Lexi. “I told you in the beginning, I want what you want. Always have.”

Tears begin to fall down Lexi’s face, but she’s smiling. “So, if I want to have forty-eight kids, you want to have forty-eight kids?”

“Forty-eight? I don’t know,” Dean teases. “I’m already in my thirties, we might not get that far.” He pauses for a second, looks down at the pills in Lexi’s hands, grabs them all, along with the box of condoms on his end table, and tosses them in the trash. “So we’re gonna go for spring rolls?”

“You really want _spring rolls_ … with me?”

He kisses Lexi and wipes her tears away. “A least a couple.”

-

September brings on a heat wave that no one could have ever anticipated, but Labor Day is spent in Lexi and Dean’s front yard, and Lexi thinks she couldn’t be happier.

Cas, Bobby, and Dean are standing around the grill, each with a beer in their hands, while Lexi and Jody are sitting in lawn chairs around a tiny plastic swimming pool, with Sam and Alex splashing sun-warmed pool water on their legs.

“Up!” Sam demands, with a smile, followed by a mouthful of jabber, so Lexi lifts him out of the pool and holds him on her hip, but he wiggles impatiently, so she sets him down. Immediately he toddles off into the green grass toward the grill, but Dean’s quick. He passes his beer to Bobby and scoops the drippy wet toddler up in his arms.

“Careful by the grill, Sammy. It’s hot.”

Sam points to the grill. “No,” he says seriously. “No, Dada. Hot.”

“That’s right.” Dean press his nose and lips into baby Sam’s wet hair and breathes in sunblock and outside. “It’s hot.”

Seeing his brother getting attention, Alex makes the same demands of Lexi and gets out of the pool. As fast as his little legs can carry him, Alex runs to Dean and makes his demands once more. “Dada, UP!”

“You two monsters gonna eat a hotdog with Grandpa?” Bobby asks and grins when the boys shake their heads ‘yes’. “C’mon, fellas, let’s go get some grub.”

Cas carries a plate of hotdogs, steaks, and burgers into the little cabin, and everyone follows him inside. Lexi and Jody take the boys into the nursery for clean diapers and dry shorts, then join the guys at the table.

Bobby, Cas, Jody, and the high chairs take up all the space around the table, so Lexi and Dean sit on the couch with their food. After a couple of bites of burger, Lexi reaches over for Dean’s beer, but he grabs it out of her hand before she can take a drink.

“No beer for you, Mama.” He hands her a glass of iced tea.

“I’m not pregnant, yet.” She smirks, rolls her eyes, and takes a drink of her tea.

“The night is young,” Dean teases. “I’ll knock you up before this month is over, you just watch me.”

-

When the last weekend in September comes, the heat wave is gone, and Dean wakes up to a cold nose on his chest.

“Warm me up,” Lexi whines playfully.

“It’s not even light outside yet. How are you even awake?” He kisses her cold nose and pulls her close.

“Cold.” Lexi puts her cold feet on Dean’s legs. “Warm me up.”

“And how should I do that?”

“Get creative.”

“I gotta be quick. Bobby’s comin’ to get me in an hour to go get some firewood.”

“You’ve got top-notch, lightening quick ninja moves. Use them.”

“I’m never gonna live that down, am I?”

“Nope.”

Under the thick quilt, Dean positions himself over Lexi and kisses down her neck. “You gettin’ warmer?”

“Lukewarm.”

He kisses further down her chest and swirls his tongue over the two nubs of raised sensitive skin. “How ‘bout now?”

“Warmer,” Lexi breathes.

Dean kisses down to her belly button, and then a few inches further. “And now?”

“Scalding,” she moans as Dean’s mouth moves over her, but he doesn’t stay under the covers for very long.

He kisses back up Lexi’s warm body and lifts her knees so they’re up on her his hips.

“What day is it?” Dean groans while he kisses her neck.

“Sunday. All day. Why?”

“Is this the week? I looked at the calendar. This is the baby makin’ week, right?”

“Wow, your dirty talk has changed over the last few months,” Lexi teases. “There was a time when you could—“ But she’s cut off when Dean slides into her. “Yes,” she groans. “Sometime this week.”

“Good,” Dean groans. “Then we’d better get busy.”

It only takes a few minutes, and they’re both sweating, cold noses and toes, just a distant memory.

By the time Bobby’s at their door step, Dean’s warmed Lexi up… Twice.

-

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. So please don’t take my sunshine away.” Lexi sings softly while standing at the side of the crib, watching her two boys sleep.

She smoothes their dark brown hair out of their eyes and creeps out of the nursery, then closes the door behind her.

Just as she walks over to the kitchen counter, her phone rings loudly and buzzes against the formica counter top. Lexi silently curses herself for not putting it on silent, because Cas told her the boys informed him the phone ringing travels right into the bedroom. She chuckles at the thought of Cas having conversations with her almost seventeen month old sons, and answers the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Jody. I’m runnin’ late. I should probably be there in an hour, alright?”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Bobby, Cas, and Dean swung by the station, and Dean bragged about how you were making a pie for dessert tonight. Do you need me to pick anything up?”

“Uhm. Salad stuff; lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers… Just get whatever looks good.”

“Salad stuff? None of those guys like salads.”

“I know, but it just sounds good.”

Jody laughs. “Alright, salad stuff, and I’m getting wine too. I’ll grab some sparkling grape juice for you.”

“Shut up,” Lexi teases. “I’ll drink a glass of wine if I want to.”

“See you in an hour.”

“’Kay, bye.”

Lexi puts her phone on vibrate, tucks it in her pocket, and starts to pull meat out of the freezer to thaw.

Once everything is set out for dinner, she sweeps up the Cheerios dust from the floor, and then heads down the hall to get the clothes out of the dryer. As she folds Dean’s jeans and his flannel shirts, her mind wanders.

Never once in her life did she think things would end up the way they have. She never once pictured herself with two baby boys, engaged to Dean, and trying to have a child with him. Even still, she’s happy, she’s really happy, but there’s not a day that she doesn’t think about Sam.

Some days she thinks about her Sam and how he would come home from work at the University of Sioux Falls, smelling like old books and ink. Sam loved teaching at the college, and even though his credentials were technically forged by a contact Bobby had, Lexi, Dean, and Bobby all reminded him that if anyone was qualified to teach _Myths, Legends, and Lore_ , it was Sam. He didn’t need a fancy degree to teach college kids something he’d lived his whole life.

And some days, she thinks about the Sam from this life, and how he loved her. She knows he loved her fiercely, and she loved him too, but she thinks she came into Sam’s life at a time where she didn’t fit. She’s never blamed Sam for the things he did, she was hurt by them, sure, but never blamed him. And even though she had hoped she’d be able to stop them all, somewhere deep down in her heart, she thinks they were always supposed to happen, and even though she’s in the life she’s in right now, she still prays to every angel she can think of: Gabriel, Balthazar, Gadreel, and even Chuck, to save Sam, but she thinks she knows she’ll never see him again.

As she puts the first pile of Dean’s clothes away in the closet, she’s surprised at the smile on her face and the happy feeling in her chest. She was thinking about such painful things, yet for some reason, she’s happy, excited even.

She makes her way back into the kitchen and pulls a bag of frozen cherries out of the freezer to start to make Dean’s pie, and she hears a knock at the door.

“Yeah, it’s open," she yells to the door with her head in the freezer. "Jeez, Jody, you said you were going to be at least an hour, I’m not even close to—“

“Lexi?”

She spins around to the familiar voice that there’s no way in hell can be talking to her, and she drops the bag of cherries when she sees the familiar face. Frozen cherries roll across the wooden floor, and they’re cold when they hit her bare feet, but she doesn’t feel them.

“Sam?”


	52. Chapter 52

On the second day of May, 1983, Sam Winchester was born to John and Mary Winchester, and was little brother to then, four year-old, Dean Winchester.

And as far as the world knows, Sam Winchester died once in 2007 of the same month, and then again in 2010. But there’s another part of the story that not many people know.

In another life, Sam Winchester, even though he died in 2007 and 2010, married a woman, named Alexis Elizabeth Garrison, in December of 2010, and went on the have two children with her; Alexis Elizabeth Winchester (Alex – named after her mother), and Antonia Cassidy Winchester (named after her grandfather, Anthony Garrison, and her mother’s favorite angel, Castiel). The official records say Sam Winchester died in 2014, in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, in a house fire with his two daughters, but the people who matter know better.

Despite all of this, despite the many times Sam Winchester has supposedly died, he’s freezing. He’s freezing, and he’s lonely, and he wants nothing more than to get back to his family.

Sam’s been alone for almost seventeen months, but he keeps putting one foot in front of the other, because he knows he’s completed his test; he’s done what Heaven has asked of him, and now he gets to go home, with nothing but the clothes on his back, a crumpled picture of him, his wife, and his two daughters, and a tiny glass vial in his pocket.

He doesn’t remember much after falling into the cage with Michael and Lucifer, but the things that he does remember, he forces himself not to think about. They’re too painful, but not even _painful_ is the proper word for what he endured. _Hellacious_? It sounds fitting, but there’s no word to describe what he was put through.

Huddled in a corner, his body covered in flames that burned his skin, but never took away the flesh, Sam was filled with more pain and fear than one person’s body should ever be filled with, but a bright light filled his vision. The bright light was brilliant, just like the other two angels he shared the cage with, but so different. When Sam lets his guard down, he can still hear Lucifer’s howls and screams when the bright white light scooped him up from the fiery floor, extinguished the flames that painfully kissed his skin, and saved him.

He woke up in a field, in the pouring rain, and for the longest time Sam sat on the wet grass with his head looking up toward Heaven and his mouth open wide, drinking down mouthfuls of the cool rain, just because he could. He pulled cool and damp breaths into his lungs, and with every breath he took, he felt himself come back together, pieces of himself that were either missing or brutally taken from him in the cage; they all came back and he felt himself whole again.

Sam sat in the same spot, in his cold and dripping wet clothing until the rain stopped. Once the last raindrop fell, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and gently warmed Sam’s skin in a way he thought he hadn’t felt for ages. Still in a state of shock, he laid back in the damp grass and let the sun’s rays continue to warm his skin to comfortable tan-pink and dry his clothes.

When night fell, he came back to himself, he realized where he was, where he had been, and who he left behind. Filled with a sense of urgency and desperation, Sam bolted up from the ground and started to run in the first direction he saw, but was immediately stopped by a strong hand.

“Hold on there, chucklehead. You’ve got work to do.”

“Gabriel? But we thought you were dead? Am I dead? Am I in Heaven?”

Gabriel laughed. “Nope, no Heaven for you, Sasquatch, but no Hell either. I saved your Gigantor ass from the frying pan, and brought you back to Earth.”

“I have to go. I have to—"

But Gabriel cut him off. “Nope. Daddy Dearest gave me an order, he told me to save you, but you also have your orders.”

“ _Orders_? God has orders for me?” Sam asked with disbelief and a little bit of disgust in his voice. “God’s gone. You said so yourself.”

“Well, now he’s back, and you’ve got one more test.”

Gabriel angel zapped them to a cozy and chic hotel suite filled with an assortment of wine and desserts. The overly sweet smell made Sam sick to his stomach, and he wrinkled his nose.

“That’s right.” Gabriel rolled his eyes. “You’re one of _those_ : one of those crunchy granola weirdos.” He waved his hand a large salad alongside a chicken sandwich appeared on the table in front of Sam. “Eat. I’m sure Lucifer and Michael didn’t have buffet lines in the cage.”

Sam sat down at the table and hesitantly picked up the sandwich and looked at it.

“Not gonna get you any soy-vegan-wheat-grass crap: that stuff’s against my religion,” Gabriel teased with a grin as he ate what looked like a chocolate covered marshmallow.

“So what’s this test?” Sam asked around a huge mouthful of chicken sandwich. Gabriel was right, there wasn’t food in the cage.

“See, there’s this little thing your gal had squirrelled away inside her, her grace, and around the time of your timely demise, it went missing. Well, it not so much _missing_ as it was ripped from her very chest, and pretty brutally ripped from her chest, I might add.”

“Lexi?” Sam’s stomach clenched, and even though he hadn’t eaten in what felt like ages, he wasn’t hungry anymore. “Is she—Is she dead?”

“Relax, ya big muttonhead. The wifey’s fine, but when she traded her life for yours, Zachariah hauled her ass up the Great White Slammer in the Sky, and my sis, Naomi, the head honcho of Heaven’s Intelligence Division, scooped Miss Lexi’s borrowed grace out of her body like a kid would scoop the guts out of a pumpkin, but that’s where you come in. Your orders, your _test_ , is to find Lexi’s grace and bring it back to her.”

“Well, bring me to Dean!” Sam stood up from the table. “We’ll find her grace. Where is it?”

“That’s the thing, kiddo. I have no idea. And you get to do this all on your lonesome; no Dean, no Lexi, no Bobby. This is _your_ test, _your_ new destiny, and until you complete it, you’re on your own.” Gabriel lifted his hand up to snap his fingers, but then stopped. “And another thing. Back in the Great Frozen Tundra, I had a peek in the wife’s noggin, and you’re missing a few pieces to the puzzle.”

Gabriel reached over the table, touched the side of Sam’s head, and thousands of images flashed in his mind’s eye. He saw the night of the fire. He saw how it all started with his hands, but it wasn’t him that moved them. He saw how his eyes glittered in the darkness of the nursery, but they weren’t his hazel eyes, they were yellow. He heard the screams, the sobs, the shot of the Colt, and then the roar of the fire, felt the heat of it’s flames, and watched them burn until there was nothing left.

“NO!” Sam stood up and tried to push himself away from Gabriel, but the angel was so strong.

“Just one more thing, Sam,” Gabriel said gently, almost remorsefully. “Just one more thing.”

Gabriel held tight to Sam’s shoulder, and while he didn’t see anything, he _heard_ Bobby tell the rest of the story, and that was enough:

_He just couldn’t live without Sam. Crazy bastard went up against a whole pack of monsters, and he knew he wouldn’t’ve made it; he just wanted to go down fightin’. Dean loved you, Lexi, and he tried to keep his promise to Sam, to take care of you, but he just couldn’t live without Sam or live his days knowin’ that he was the one that killed him. There’s no Dean without Sam. It’s just the way it’s always been._

When the vision finally stopped, Sam collapsed in his chair with tears rolling down his cheeks. “That’s how Dean died? She never told me… And the fire? It was me? I did it?”

“Wasn’t you Samsquatch. In some other life, when you swan dived into the pit, your pal Castiel saved your ass, but brought you back without your soul. When Daddy Death went down under and fetched it for you, ole Yellow Eyes hopped a ride on Soul Train. You didn’t do it, Azazel did. LexiPants, she wanted to tell you, but it was just too painful for her to talk about; she didn’t want you to know. She kept it from you to spare you. She did, however, try to stop it all from happening. She warned you about Ruby, Lilith, Lucifer and his cage, but my bro, Zach, he EraserMate’d your brain.”

“So, Yellow Eyes is in me right now?” Sam asked, panicked.

“Nope.” Gabriel shook his head and poked Sam in the chest where his anti-possession tattoo protected him. “Your wife, she’s a smart cookie, she bonded your souls. Your soul never set foot in Lucifer’s lock box. Yellow Eyes never went near your soul and never got his free ride. It was safe and sound up here; tucked neat and wrinkle free inside Lexi, nestled in with her own soul. She didn’t know it was there, but it was. But you get a chance to fix it all; you just gotta be God’s little errand boy, complete His test, and you can go back to both Dean and Lexi. You just have to find her grace.” Gabriel snapped his fingers, and right before Sam’s eyes, the angel was gone.

Next to his uneaten salad a tiny slip of paper fluttered down, and with gold lettering it read:

_No Dean, no Lexi, and no Bobby. You’re on your own, sweet cheeks. They won’t look for you, and you won’t accidentally find them. Absolutely NO contact. This is your test. Them’s the rules. _

_-Gabriel_

_PS. You better put some hustle behind it, rugrats grow up quicker than you think._

Sam sat in that cozy and chic hotel suite chair and stared at the tiny slip of paper. He knew all about Lexi being pregnant, he knew that he had two baby boys living somewhere on Earth, and he had his own piece of the puzzle that no one knew about. He had his own story of what really happened the night he left with Ruby, and he knew he had to tell Lexi. Just like Ruby said, Lexi deserved to know the truth, but Sam vowed she’d know the _real_ truth.

Before he stood up from the chair, he made himself a promise that he would do whatever needed to be done for him to be able to see his family: Dean, Lexi, and his boys, and he would do it as quickly as he possibly could. Sam’s gone up against good, evil, angels, devils, destiny, and even God himself, and he knew in his test he’d do it all over again, but it didn’t matter. In that chair, he made his choice, the same choice he made over and over again in his life, the only choice that ever made sense to him. _Family_.

-

After that, Sam made his way from one end of the country to the other, journeyed to Heaven and Hell, crossed into different spiritual planes, and summoned angels and demons, fairies, ghosts, and any other type of creature that could or would help him. Sam did what was asked of him, it had been difficult, and it had taken seventeen months, but with the help of a nameless imprisoned angel, Sam did it; he found Lexi’s grace.

Exhausted from months of searching and never letting himself get a proper night’s sleep, he paid for a motel room, and collapsed on the bed, with the tiny vial of grace clutched in his hand. When he woke up, there was a note on the bed next to him, scrawled in gold lettering, just like the one Gabriel had left him over a year before, and it had only a phone number.

He immediately fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number. His heart raced in his chest as the phone rang and rang and rang, but no one picked up, he was just routed to voicemail and heard the sweetest voice he’d heard in a long time.

_“Hi! It’s Lexi’s cell. I’m probably cleaning up Cheerios dust, or changing a diaper, or---  
Or makin’ me a pie!” Dean’s laugh-filled voice interrupted Lexi’s. “So just leave me a message, and I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Bye!”_

Sam never did leave a message, but he knew he’d passed his test, and now could find exactly where Dean, Lexi, and his sons were.

With his trusty laptop and a strong wifi connection, Sam put a reverse trace on the phone number, and since Lexi had her GPS turned on, it took him minutes to find where she was. The computer screen told him she wasn’t far from Bobby’s house: he knew exactly where to go.

He hitched his way as far as he could, then drove a stolen hotwired car for a couple of states, but when he stopped to eat at a hometown diner, a case presented itself. Being the man that he was, Sam couldn’t let the monsters terrorize innocent people, so he took some of his precious time and energy and worked the job.

It took him longer than what it would have taken if both he and Dean had been working the case, but in a couple weeks, Sam had cleaned the nest of vamps out of that tiny town, and started back on his journey to find his family.

The miles stretched into states, and the days into weeks, and when Sam found himself cold and alone, he thought of his brother, Lexi and his sons that he’d never met. It was obvious from Lexi’s voicemail greeting that she was near Dean, and that made Sam happy. If there was anyone in this world that could keep Lexi and his children safe, it would be his brother, and he was happy that she wasn’t as lonely as he was. No one deserved that.

-

Now, he finds himself standing at the end of a dirt driveway, and he’s freezing. It’s cold for the end of September, but Sam doesn’t care. He’s literally only feet away from his sons, Dean, and Lexi; he can _feel_ her. He’s happy and he’s excited, and he has to stop himself from sprinting down the driveway.

As he walks up to the clapboard cabin, he sees Lexi’s Scottsdale parked next to the Impala, and he can’t help but smile: he’s home.

He wipes his nervous hands down the front of his dusty jeans and slowly brings his hand up to the wooden door and knocks.

“It’s open!” Lexi’s voice calls to him, and he hesitantly turns the brass doorknob and takes a step inside. The first thing he sees is Lexi’s back, her long brown hair hanging down to the waistband of her jeans, and that she’s got her head in the freezer.

“Jeez, Jody, you said you were going to be at least an hour, I’m not even close to—“

But Sam can’t wait for her to finish her sentence. “Lexi?” He softly calls out her name, even though he knows it’s her. He can see her right in front of him.

Quickly, she jerks around at the sound of his voice, and he watches her rosy cheeks turn to a pale chalky white. Sam watches as Lexi drops a bag of frozen cherries to the floor and a handful of them roll across the wooden floor, up to the toe of his boot.

“Sam?” She croaks in a shocked voice.

“It’s me,” Sam answers with a wide smile and starts to walk toward her, but freezes in his tracks when Lexi pulls a gun from the top of the fridge and points it at him.


	53. Chapter 53

Across the wood pile from Bobby, Dean has his own pile of wood, and he actually doesn’t mind chopping it. He’s watched movies and read books where kids were given chopping wood as a chore or a punishment, and he doesn’t think it would be half-bad, but then again he had a fucked up childhood, so who really knows?

He’s done this a few times now, and his hands still ache, as do his shoulders, and so does this little spot in the middle of his back, but it’s that good kind of ache; that satisfying ache that lets you know you’ve done a good day’s work. Dean relishes in the ache because he knows the ache in his hands, shoulders, and back could be from chopping the hell out of some vamp or random monster of the week; chopping wood is much easier.

Bobby yells over to Dean that he’s going to haul his load over to the salvage yard, and that he’ll be back in about a half an hour to get Dean and his load. Dean nods his head in agreement and keeps on chopping.

Lexi was right, the air is oddly cool for the end of September, but he knows when he gets home, he’ll have wood for the woodstove and the cabin will be pleasantly warm from Lexi making supper and baking him his pie. Cherry pie; his favorite.

When Bobby’s truck drives out of the woods and back onto the dirt road, Dean grabs another chunk of wood and puts it up on his chopping block. With his feet firmly planted on the ground and with both of his hands gripping the hickory handle, perfectly spaced apart, he raises his arms so the shiny steel axe head gleams in the sunlight. When his arms come down, under his flannel shirt and handful of layers underneath, the muscles of his back, arms, and chest ripple, and then the piece of ash on the chopping block splits perfectly down the middle.

“Wow! You’ve made yourself quite the lumberjack!” A snarky voice calls from behind him, ruining the quiet and stillness of the woods.

Dean whips around, but doesn’t grab for his gun; he’s holding a three and a half pound splitting maul, and he sees Gabriel.

“Lexi’s gonna kick your ass if she sees you. What, you’re too good to answer prayers now, _Trixie White_?” Dean turns back around to his chopping block and gets another piece of ash ready. “That totally sounds like a stripper name, you know that, don’t you?”

Gabriel smirks.

“So what the hell do you want anyway? Does Heaven have another mission for me? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, I’ve been out of that busin---“

“As a matter of fact, Heaven does have a little something we need you to do.”

“Well, wonderful for you. I’m not interested; I’m out.” Dean brings the splitting maul down and splits another chunk of ash.

“See,” Gabriel starts while he paces the half circle around Dean and his chopping block. “You’re a special one, Dean; always have been, always will be. Your line goes so far back; back to the very beginning. Cupids raked in the over-time makin’ the love connections that they did over the years, all ending with your mom and dad. You were supposed to be the Michael Sword, you were supposed to cast Lucifer into---“

“I KNOW THIS STORY!” Dean yells at Gabriel. “What the fuck do you want? ‘Cause if you came here to rub in my face how much of a screw-up I am when it comes to your God dammed destiny, you can save your damn breath, because I already know it!”

“You’re a special one, Dean,” Gabriel starts again. “Most people have just one destiny; one purpose, but not you.”

“Am I supposed to know what the hell you’re talking about?”

“You could live this life and never pick up a gun again. You could marry your girl, have a couple more kids, grow a beer gut and live out your days with a clogged artery, and a daily regimen of high blood pressure medications. You could take up bowling, join a book club, get a dog, coach Little League… You name it; the whole _apple pie life_ , Dean, it could be yours, and you would have done everything you’re supposed to do in this life.”

“What’s your point?”

“But wait.” Gabriel smirks. “There’s more.”

Dean rolls his eyes.

“There’s another road you could take. It’s a long, bumpy, and lonely one, but it’s worth it. See, if you want it, heaven has a job for you, and if you do it, I can personally guarantee LexiPants and any… _fruits of her loins_ will be safe for the rest of their lives.”

“They’re safe with me; _I_ keep them safe. Why would I leave them behind so you can do something that I’m already doing?”

“The opportunity might not make sense right now, but I can promise you it will in a little while. Just think your big noggin on it for a while. Life’s all about the tests; some make us, and some break us, but they’re all worth it. It’s your decision. Toodles.” And Gabriel’s gone.

“I keep them safe,” Dean tells the quiet air and his pile of wood. “I’m not leaving; I’m not going anywhere. I choose this life and everything that comes with it. YOU HEAR THAT, GABRIEL!? YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE!” Dean breathes heavily and looks around the wood pile. “I made a promise, and I’m not leaving.”

A blue jay flies off of a birch tree and makes it’s little noise, but other than that, the Heavens offer Dean no reply. He continues to chop wood until Bobby comes back with Cas, the truck, and three coffees.

*//*

With the gun pointed right at Sam’s chest, Lexi takes a step backward away from Sam.

“There’s no way,” she whispers and shakes her head in disbelief. “I saw you. I watched you jump into the cage, and there was no one to bring you back. I saw you! You were gone!”

Sam holds his hands up and stays still. “I’m here. It’s me, I swear, it’s me.”

“How?” Lexi’s hand nervously shakes as she holds the gun up in the air. “How are you here?”

“Gabriel. He saved me from the cage. He—“

Lexi cuts Sam off and yells, “Do you have a soul?”

“Yes! I know I came back before—“

“That’s what _he_ would say. I’ve met _you_ before; _you’re_ not Sam.”

Sam takes a hesitant step toward Lexi. “It’s me; the _real_ me. Gabriel said my soul stayed with you, that you kept it safe.”

“No.” Lexi shakes her head while tears fall down her cheeks. “I would have known! I would have _felt_ you.”

“What do you _feel_ right now?” Lexi doesn’t answer him, so he takes three more steps across the cabin’s hardwood floor, and stops directly in front of her, the gun pressed right into his chest. “It’s me, and I know you can feel me because I can feel you; you’re scared and a little… remorseful? You don’t have anything to be sorry for, but I can feel you. Lexi, it’s me. Just _feel_.”

Sam’s right, Lexi can feel Sam; she can feel his soul and everything he’s feeling. He’s happy, he’s excited, he’s desperate for her to believe him, and a little nervous that there’s a gun pressed into his chest, but he’s confident Lexi won’t shoot him. Slowly, she brings the gun down from his chest and lets her arm go slack at her side. “Sam? Oh my God, it’s you?”

Very carefully, Sam reaches for the gun in Lexi’s hand, and she lets him take it away from her. He sets it back on the top of the fridge and wraps his arms around Lexi. “It’s me; I swear it’s me, and I’m back.”

For just a second, Lexi lets her head rest on Sam’s chest, but then she pushes him away. “No, I can’t.” She wipes her tears from her cheeks and takes a few steps back from Sam, but he reaches for her left hand.

When she yanks her hand away from his, he gets a strong jolt of everything she’s feeling, why she’s feeling remorseful, and it all falls into place: Lexi’s voicemail with Dean talking about her making him a pie, the Impala parked out front, a small pile of Dean’s laundry on the kitchen table, Dean’s jacket hanging on the hook by the door, the frozen cherries and the pie crust on the counter. Sam puts everything together; Dean and Lexi are together. He looks down and sees the sapphire ring on her finger, and he realizes that Dean and Lexi aren’t just together, they’re engaged.

“You’re _with_ Dean.”

Lexi nods her head just a little bit and squeezes her eyes shut. As she sits down at the kitchen table, she lets out a heavy sigh. “So, Gabriel saved you? And your soul never went to hell, it was with me this whole time?”

Sam takes the chair opposite of Lexi, rubs his face with his hands, and runs his fingers through his hair with his elbows on the table. “That’s what he said.”

“I never…” Lexi shakes her head. “I didn’t know… I never had any idea.”

“It’s okay.” Sam reaches across the table for Lexi’s hand, just to comfort her, and she jumps up from her chair.

“No! You can’t… No, Sam! You can’t just… You can’t just come here and expect… YOU PICKED RUBY! You chose her, remember!? I wanted to be with you forever! You were mine, and I was yours, and you picked Ruby!”

“No, I didn’t, Lexi, if you’ll just let me, I can prove--” Sam digs in his pocket for the vial of grace he’s meant to give back to her.

“No!” She shakes her head at Sam, and he watches tears fall down her face. “There’s nothing you can do to fix this! Sam, you were my husband… I know you weren’t my husband _here_ , but you said you wanted me, you said you wanted me more than anything! You promised me… You promised me that you would never leave me, but you did, TWICE! You were my husband, and I’ve thought about you every single day; I’ve missed you every single day. I’ve prayed for you, and cried for you, and mourned for you, EVERYDAY! And now you’re here, but you chose _her_. And I sold my soul for you! I sacrificed myself for you; my life for yours, and Zachariah, he took me to Heaven and I was tortured for YEARS! But I got out, and you were already gone; you said ‘yes’ to Lucifer, and you saved the world, but I was left behind, with TWO BABIES! I was all alone! I had nothing! And Dean… Dean and I were broken, and we… we were all we had...” Lexi looks down at the sapphire ring on her finger and shakes her head. “I can’t do this, I just can’t---“

Trying to imitate Dezi Arnez, Dean yells in a horrible Cuban accent, “Lexi, I’m home!” He flings the front door of the cabin open with a huge smile on his face, but the smile fades to shock, and Dean stares at Lexi and Sam. “Holy shit!” Dean yanks the gun out of his jacket and points it at Sam. Bobby and Cas are right behind Dean, and they both pull weapons out of the their jackets in the same shocked fashion as Dean.

Lexi doesn’t know why she does it. She may be furious with Sam, but she doesn’t want him dead, so she jumps in front of Sam. “NO! Dean, don’t! It’s him, it’s really him.”

“Did you check?!” Dean growls, not taking the gun off Sam.

“I don’t need to.” Lexi hangs her head. “I can feel him. I know it’s him.” She walks away from Sam, passed Dean, Cas, and Bobby, who are staring at Sam with their mouths hanging open, and she walks outside.

Dean starts to go after Lexi, but Bobby stops him. “I’ll go check on her, you stay in here.” And Bobby follows Lexi outside.

“Sammy?” Dean asks in disbelief.

“Yeah, Dean. It’s me.”

Dean pulls Sam into a hug, and Sam hugs him back, but Sam isn’t sharing his brother’s smile. “You should go after her, she’s your fiancé and all.”

“Sam, it’s not…” Dean sits down in the kitchen chair and wipes his mouth with his hand. “We didn’t… I never meant to…”

“I know,” Sam whispers in a hoarse voice. “Just go after her; she’s scared, she’s confused and hurt. Just go talk to her.”

“Sam, I---“ Dean starts, but Sam interrupts him.

“She needs you. I can _feel_ it. Go. I’m not going to leave, and I’m not… _mad_. Just… she needs you.”

“Right, _you’re not mad_ ,” Dean scoffs while rubbing the back of his neck. “She’s your wife, and I---“

Sam winces and shakes his head. “Dean, don’t. Just go. She’s… She’s crying.”

Dean nods his head and give Sam a sorrowful look, then walks out of the cabin, leaving Sam and Cas standing in the kitchen alone.

“Sam,” Cas starts. “Dean never meant to—“

“I know he didn’t.” Sam walks into the living room and sits down on the couch.

Cas follows him, but walks toward baby Sam and Alex’s bedroom. “I am going to check on the boys.”

Bobby sits down on the couch next to Sam, and claps his hand on Sam’s knee when his eyes follow Cas as he walks into the nursery. Bobby sees this and says, “You’ll get to see them soon enough, but it’s good to see you, boy.”

Sam tears his eyes away from the closed door and smiles a sad smile at Bobby. “It’s good to see you, too.”

“I know you walked in on a situation you weren’t prepared to walk in on, but those two…” Bobby looks out the window at Dean and Lexi standing next to the Impala. “They didn’t know, and I know they never meant to hurt ya. And Dean wasn’t just a placeholder for ya either, they really do love each other.”

“I know,” Sam murmurs and follows Bobby’s glance out the window. “I can _feel_ it.”

-

When Dean walks out of the cabin, he sees Lexi leaning up against the driver’s side door of the Impala, and he walks up to her. Just like Sam said, she’s crying.

“Hey, Lex, it’s okay.” Dean pulls her into a hug.

“No it’s not.” She whispers into the soft cotton of his flannel shirt.

He knows she’s right, but he still says, “Yes it is. It’s gonna be alright.”

They both stand in the cold September breeze, and they both know Dean’s lying.

“He said he didn’t pick Ruby. He started to say something about proving something, but I have no idea what he means.”

“Sammy’s never been one to just say stuff to say it; he always has a reason. Maybe you should let him say what he has to say?”

“What could he possibly say that could fix what he did? Dean, I’m glad he’s back, safe, and has his soul, but that doesn’t change anything. And I’m not mad at him, I’m just…”

“C’mon, Lex. Let’s go back inside.”

“Dean, I don’t… He said his soul didn’t go to hell, but I don’t know how that’s possible. I don’t understand how…”

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise,” Dean lies again. “I’ll be right there with you.”

Dean leads Lexi back into the cabin, and Bobby and Sam stand up from the couch as soon as they walk inside, and Cas walks out of the nursery, quietly closing the door shut behind him.

“Lexi, can I just talk to you for a minute? I know you’re…scared, but what you’re scared of… It can’t happen; it won’t happen. My soul didn’t go to hell, it stayed here, with you. The night of the fire, it won’t happen.”

Lexi takes a step backward, but Dean holds her close to him. “How do you know about that?” She asks with a shocked look on her face.

“Gabriel. He showed me everything. And I know you’re with Dean, but I just need to…” Sam walks over to her. “I just need you to see something, okay?” Sam digs in his jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny glass vial of opalescent light. “ _This_ will tell you everything.” He reaches out his hand to give it to Lexi.

“My grace? Where did you find… I don’t want that! It made me weak, it put a target on my head, it was slowly killing me! I don’t want that!”

Sam takes a step closer to Lexi and keeps his arm stretched out to her. “This is what I was doing. This was my test; I had to find this for you, you _have_ to see. You have to know the truth, please.”

“Your test?” Dean asks while hearing Gabriel’s words, _life’s all about the tests; some make us, and some break us, but they’re all worth it._

“You were gone this whole time, looking for something I don’t even want?” Lexi ignores Dean’s question and looks at Sam like he’s crazy. “What the hell? Why would you think I’d want that? You know what it did to me; you were there!” Lexi pushes his hand away, and they all watch as bottle of grace falls to the floor of the cabin in slow motion, and everyone’s eyes in the room grow large when it’s fragile container shatters.

Lexi flinches, and Dean pulls her close when the bright blue light circles her, but it doesn’t enter her, it just floats up into the air, like it’s got another place to go; like it belongs somewhere else and it knows this, and it travels behind Sam and up to Cas.

Cas stares at the white-blue light; he studies it and looks at it’s opaque non-form. The grace almost seems to hesitate, like it’s forgotten where it belongs, where it’s supposed to be. It rolls and folds it’s bright corners and squiggles in on itself, making patterns and spirals with each movement, and everyone in the room watches as the grace seems to recognize where it’s supposed to be and it hurls itself at Cas’ mouth.

“SHUT YOUR EYES!” Cas yells just as the grace lights his body up with brilliant blue-white light.

Bobby, Sam, Dean, and Lexi all shield their eyes as the whole cabin fills with the radiant light of Cas’ grace, and when they all open their eyes, Cas is standing next to Sam with his hand hovering over the side of hiss face. He says, in his gruff voice hasn’t changed in years, “I can see.”

Sam closes his eyes just as Cas’ fingers touch the side of his face.

It takes just a second for Cas to see whatever was so important to Sam, and when he’s seen whatever Lexi is meant to see, he walks over to her side. “I can show you. Sam is right, you need to know the truth.”

Lexi looks up at Dean, and he nods his head. She looks back at Cas, then to Sam, then back at Cas. “Alright.”

Just before Cas touches the side of her face, Lexi grabs Dean’s hand and they both see what really happened the second time Sam left with Ruby at the motel room.

_Just minutes after Dean and Lexi arrived back at the motel rooms, just days after Lexi had shown Sam her life back in 2014, Sam had just gotten back to the motel room after his run. He dug in the pocket of his track pants for the room key, and then froze when he felt something sharp dig into the small of his back._

_“Been lookin’ for you all over, Sam. Are you trying to hide from me?” Ruby’s voice came through loud and clear even though he had ear buds in his ears._

_“What the hell do you want?” Sam growled._

_“You smell different. You smell like her. Did you and the wife kiss and make up?”_

_“Ruby, what the fu—“_

_Ruby shoved Sam against the door and whispered, “Open the door and let me in, Sam.” The knife dug further into Sam’s back, and he could feel a drop of blood fall down his skin. “We got lots to talk about.”_

_With her knife barely breaking the skin of his back, through his sweatshirt and tee shirt, Sam knew he couldn’t grab the flask of holy water out of his pocket, nor could he reach for his gun, so he did the only thing he could do: Sam let Ruby inside._

_He muttered the Latin protection spell, grabbed the Sharpie off the table and marked through the demon warding, and ripped the spray of herbs down from above the door._

_Ruby strutted inside and looked around. “No salt? That Lexi’s not a bright one is she? She makes all kinds of dumb choices, let me tell you.” Ruby picked up the note Lexi left Sam and read it aloud: “Sam, Went to go get breakfast with Dean. Meet me in the shower. Lexi.” Ruby rolled her eyes. “Sammy, you sly dog. The wife is here, and she’s waiting for you, but I don’t think you’ll be making your shower date. We got lots to do, so we’ll have to be quick.” Sam eyed Lexi’s flask of holy water on the table. “Don’t even think about it,” Ruby warned him. “You and I have a lot to talk about. Sit.”_

_He rolled his eyes, but he did as Ruby asked. “What? What could you possibly want?”_

_“Your Lexi was right all along. I have been feeding your pretty, pretty head full of lies; I’ve had an agenda of my own this whole time. And you know what? You’re still gonna do everything I want you to do.”_

_“I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.”_

_“About that,” Ruby started. “I wish I would have figured it out sooner, but somehow your brains got scrambled, and you don’t know half the things… well, ALL the things Lexi’s told you about me. But you know what? Since I’m THAT kind of gal, I’m gonna share everything with you, but first, Sam, you have to drink.” Ruby sliced the skin of her arm open and held it out to Sam._

_“No,” Sam growled and leaned back in his chair, away from the blood that dripped down Ruby’s arm._

_“You don’t have a choice here, Sammy”_

_“No,” he repeated._

_“Okay, just for arguments sake, let’s say you say no. Here’s what’s gonna happen: you, you big stud you, you knocked Lexi up. You—“_

_“What?!”_

_“Quiet now, or Lexi’ll hear, and we wouldn’t want to upset preggo. I mean c’mon, Sam, you’re surprised? No glove, no love.” Ruby laughed at her own joke. “She’s knocked up, two babies growin’ in her belly: two of YOUR babies. Little baby boy Winchesters growin’ all big and strong, right now. I bet she’s gonna be HUGE when she’s ready to pop, but she won’t get there unless you drink.”_

_“Don’t you dare touch—“_

_“Sam, Sam, Sam,” Ruby sighed and interrupting Sam’s growled words. “I’ve got this place surrounded, and there’s demons at the end of Bobby’s driveway; if you don’t do what I say, it’s all over for them, and then you’ll do what I say anyhow.”_

_Sam laughed. “You really think a handful of demons at the end of Bobby’s driveway is gonna stop him? Bobby could take them out with one hand tied behind his back.”_

_“You really wanna risk it? You wanna risk your sons’ lives, Lexi’s life, Dean’s life? This isn’t the way I pictured it would play out, but you’re gonna do what I say, or they’re all dead. I’ll gut Lexi myself, right here in this very room, and your wee ones will go lights out with her. So, drink.” _

_“No.”_

_“Alright, Sam. You’ve left me no choice.” Ruby walked toward the bathroom, and rested her hand on the doorknob. “Bobby will probably live, Dean will probably bust down that door just seconds late, but you’ll get to see it all; Lexi dead, for real this time, and if she’s dead, so are those baby boys of yours.”_

_“Don’t!” Sam yelled, and he knew whatever happened next would change everything. “Just… Stop.”_

_“There’s my boy.” Ruby smiled evilly as she walked back over to Sam. She cut her arm again and held it out to Sam. “Drink.”_

_“You won’t hurt her? You’ll leave her alone?”_

_“Promise. You’re gonna be a daddy, Sammy.”_

_Sam closed his eyes and brought his mouth to Ruby’s arm. The first taste of Ruby’s blood made him moan, and he hated himself for it. Even though Lexi purged every drop of demon blood from him, his body missed the strength. His mind and his heart didn’t miss it one bit, but his body was hooked._

_“I won’t be able to give you enough for what I need you to do,” Ruby cooed as she carded her fingers through Sam’s brown hair. “But this’ll get you started.”_

_Sam didn’t speak, he just drank down Ruby’s blood, trying to send feelings through the bond to Lexi to let her know how sorry he was._

_“And another thing,” Ruby whispered softly to Sam. “I’m going to need you to tell the wife a little white lie for me. See, when I brought her to hell and tortured her, I told a little white lie of my own. I told her you’re the one who led me to her, and that you ripped down all the warding at the bar. I’m gonna need you to collaborate my story. And once she hears those words, you’ll never be hers; you’ll be mine. When she comes out here, don’t look at her, don’t speak, and don’t do any of that soul bond crap that you two seem to like to do. Just follow my lead, and she’ll get to live. ‘Cause you and me, Sammy, we’re going to free Lucifer.” And she ripped her arm away from Sam’s mouth._

_Seconds later, Lexi came out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel and started talking to Sam without even looking at him. Fearing for Lexi’s and his unborn sons lives’ Sam did exactly what Ruby asked of him: he didn’t speak to Lexi, he didn’t look at her, he just sat on the bed with blood on the corners of his mouth while Lexi and Ruby argued back and forth._

_Lexi tried to use the bond, but Ruby warned her that things would get bloody if she did, but her grace, in times of trouble, seemed to have a mind of it’s own, and Lexi could hardly control it._

_"Please, Sam. It hurts. Help me." Lexi begged him, while she fought the grace inside herself._

_He knew she feared for Bobby and Dean’s lives, but he feared for hers, and he forced himself not to move or look at her. There was nothing he could have done, and he knew Ruby would have gutted Lexi right in front of him._

_"Tell her, Sam," Ruby ordered, while ignoring Lexi's pleas. "Tell her what you did. She deserves to know."_

_Sam let his eyes flicker up at Lexi and then he looked away, his eyes and heart filled with shame, and he told Ruby’s lie. "I did it; it was me."_

_"What?" Lexi asked him. "Sam, it doesn't matter, I don't care what you did. I've never cared. Stay with me. Don't go. Please, don't leave me. We'll figure this out, me and you. I swear we will."_

_Sam made himself shake his head, and he felt his hot tears burn at his eyes as he continued with Ruby’s lies, "No. It was me. I told Ruby where you'd be. I tore down the warding at the bar. I knew she was going to take you. I knew about everything."_

_"No. You couldn't! There's no way! You wouldn't! I know you!"_

_Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Lexi’s bloody tears fall down her cheeks and her nose drip blood on to the carpet, but he forced himself not to move._

_"I don't care. Don't go. Don't leave me. We'll figure this out. Don't--" But Ruby cut off Lexi’s tear-filled pleas._

_Ruby talked about how Lexi was consorting with demons, but Lexi claimed she did what she had to do to save Sam and Dean. Sam didn’t know what she meant by that, but it didn’t matter, because he couldn’t stop what was happening, and it was happening to spare Lexi._

_“Don’t go, Sam.” Lexi begged him one last time. “Please, don’t leave me.”_

_Sam allowed himself one last look at Lexi, because he knew if he ever saw her again, she’d never want anything to do with him. Once he got his last look, it took everything he had to tear his eyes away from her._

_Then Sam could hear a high-pitched hum in the room. He watched Lexi’s kneeling body shake uncontrollably, and then, just as quickly as it started, her body fell still. Her hands unclenched, and her head fell forward until her chin rested on her chest._

_When Lexi’s eyes flicked open and she looked up at him through her eyebrows, Sam saw that her eyes weren’t the ocean blue eyes he could have stared at for days on end, they were a metallic silver, and he knew the grace had taken her over._

_“Get out,” Sam heard Lexi growl in a voice he didn’t recognize. “GO!”_

_The motel room busted off it’s hinges and flew out into the parking lot, shattering into dozens of shards, then Lexi hit the floor, unconscious._

_Ruby grabbed Sam by the hand and started to walk him out of the motel room, but Sam shook his hand free and knelt down by Lexi’s unconscious body. He touched her sweaty hair, wiped the blood as best he could from her eyes and face, and bent down to kiss her lips softly. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m so sorry, but you’ll be safe, our boys will be safe. I’m sorry. Someday, if you’ll let me, I’ll make this right. I love you so much.”_

After Cas knows Lexi’s seen what needed to be seen, he takes his hand away from her face, then Dean’s and Lexi’s eyes flutter open.

“She made you do it,” Dean whispers. “That’s why…”

Dean’s hand falls from Lexi’s, and she looks down at her empty hand. “I don’t…” She looks up at Sam with tears falling down her face. “Sam, I didn’t know…” Her eyes flick back and forth between Sam and Dean. “Oh, God…”

Sam didn’t choose Ruby over Lexi, he chose Lexi over everything. He sacrificed everything thing for her, and she had no idea.

Lexi’s eyes dart around the little cabin; the home her and Dean made a life in. Together they carved a life for themselves where there wasn’t one. Two broken people, both lonely and filled with guilt. Between the four walls of the cabin, they pushed ahead; they found love amongst the pain, the regret, the loss, and the loneliness, and now… _What_?

Lexi’s hand hangs at her side, hauntingly empty, just inches away from Dean’s, and somehow she knows it’s all over.

It’s like the world slows down to a crawl, and her eyes wander over to Dean’s face. His green eyes look at her, and they’re not filled with happiness and joy because his brother is back. They’re not filled with the smiles and love, laced with the faintest traces of grief that have seemed to fade, just a little bit, every single day. Right now, Dean’s eyes are filled with remorse and guilt and shame, and she’s seen that look on Dean’s face before, maybe not in this life, but definitely in a different one, and she knows what it means.

Dean’s going to leave.


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is back.  
> Dean's destiny is at a cross roads, and it affects everybody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been almost three weeks since I published a chapter, and I'm so sorry. This chapter was difficult. You'll know why once you finish it.
> 
> "The Family Photo Album" is an external link, just to give you an idea of what it looks like. The words that Sam reads aloud are not in the link's album; they're mine. :)

“No,” Lexi tells Dean while shaking her head.

“ _No_ , what?” Sam and Dean ask at the same time.

At any other time, Lexi would have smiled at them talking at the same time, but not right now. “I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, Dean; you don’t get to leave.”

Dean’s been around Lexi long enough to know he shouldn’t be surprised when she knows things she technically shouldn’t, and right now is no exception. When he first saw Sam standing in his kitchen, he was happy because his brother was back, but in a fraction of an instant, he knew what he and Lexi had was all over.

Dean didn’t know about Ruby, and how she blackmailed Sam. The night Dean went to get Lexi from the hospital in Marksburg, he knew Sam had something he had to tell Lexi, but after Zachariah took her, Sam never wanted to talk about her again. There were rare occasions that Sam would hit the bottle too hard, and he would bring up Lexi. He’d talk about his memories of her, her grace, the bits and pieces of her past that she revealed, but he never mentioned the night with Ruby and Lilith.

Sure, Dean knew about the blood; Sam told him about it, and how Lexi worked so hard to keep it from him. That didn’t stop Dean from being furious, frustrated, betrayed, or royally pissed off about Ruby, and the blood, and the lies, but a part of Dean knew there was something he didn’t know about.

Now he knows, and he can feel the guilt eating him alive.

Even though there was no way for him to know exactly what happened that night at the church in Maryland, before he got there, even though Dean’s not a mind reader, doesn’t have grace, and has never been a psychic, he still feels like he should have known. He thinks he should have known Sam was still alive, and that things are never what they seem.

“You don’t get to leave,” Lexi repeats herself, but this time the resolve in her voice has faded. “I know that look on your face; I’ve seen it before. You looked at me like that for a whole month after Sam died, and then you left, and then you died; you’re not doing it again.”

“Lex, I--”

“No.” Lexi shakes her head and smiles in a sad sort of way that neither Sam, nor Dean, understand, but she does. She’s been saying it for years now, _this isn’t about her_ ; _it’s about them_. “ _This_ is what I was supposed to do. It didn’t happen the way I thought it was going to, but _this_ is it. Sam’s soul stayed with me; it didn’t go to Hell, and the night of the fire can never happen. Sam won’t die…neither of you will, not the way you did. Only thing messed up now is… I don’t fit.”

Sam doesn’t have to see the look on Lexi’s face. He doesn’t have to have spent months and years with Lexi, like Dean has, but he still knows what she’s thinking; he can _feel_ it. “Lexi, no. You don’t have to leave. I can --”

“No, you can’t,” Lexi interrupts with tears welling up in her eyes. “It’s never been _Sam and Lexi, and Dean_ ; _that’s_ not how it’s supposed to be, and _that’s_ not why I came back. It’s always been _Sam and Dean_ ; _that’s_ how it’s supposed to be, and _that’s_ why I can’t stay. How do I choose?”

“You don’t get to, LexiPants. I’m sorry, _Sophie_ , but this isn’t your choice.”

Everyone in the room whips around to see Gabriel leaning against the frame of the front door. Dean sees Lexi’s face change from guilt to rage, but Sam feels it.

“Where the HELL have you been?” Lexi yells at Gabriel.

“Oh, I’ve been around.” Gabriel smirks.

“Did you forget how to answer prayers? How to send a cryptic crossword puzzle? Was Trixie White unavailable to make an appearance? I’VE BEEN PRAYING TO YOU EVERYDAY FOR SEVENTEEN MONTHS!”

“Sorry, chica bonita, this bee’s been a little busy.”

“Oh, you’ve been busy,” Lexi says sarcastically and rolls her eyes. “I guess that makes sense. _Busy_. We’ll, I’m busy too, so back the hell off.”

“No can do, cupcake. Whatever you’re planning in that crazy little brain of yours, it can’t happen.”

“I don’t know what show you’ve been watching, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve done what I was supposed to do. I saved them; they’re both alive, and the hell I went through, it won’t happen. I’ve done my job, and sure, it didn’t work out the way I planned, but my job is done.”

“That’s the thing, kiddo; _it’s not_. Your job, in _this life,_ is exactly what you’re doing. This cabin, _this life_ , the mini-chesters: they’re your job, and it’s not done.”

“Oh, but it is, _cupcake,_ ” Lexi snarks. “And who the hell are you to tell me any different? You can’t just pop in here --”

“I have my orders just like everyone else, just like you, and --”

“Orders?” Lexi laughs. “From who? _God_? Well, you better tell Him to lace up his Nikes and get his ass here, because I don’t follow _your_ orders, and I don’t give a shit about _your_ plan. You bailed, remember? Sam was alive this whole time, and I prayed to you every day; you could have told us!”

“Sam had a job to do, and he did it. I had a job to do, and I did it; I’m doing it _right_ _now_ , and I’m telling you, your plan to leave?” Gabriel smirks. “It’s not in the cards. It’s not your choice. It’s not your destiny; your destiny is at a cross roads, but not at _your_ cross roads.” Gabriel turns to look at Dean. “It’s _his_.”

“What?” Sam and Lexi ask at the same time with confused looks on their faces.

“That’s right mutton heads, it’s all _one big test_ , and you three aren’t quite done yet. So Dean, what’ll it be? The apple pie life? Or door _numero dos_?”

“This is what you meant?” Dean yells at Gabriel, ignoring the dumbfounded looks on Sam’s, Lexi’s, Cas’, and Bobby’s faces “This is what you meant about how it would make sense later?”

“It is,” Gabriel answers. “Should you stay or should you go, now? If you go there might be trouble, if you stay it could be double, but you gotta let me know… Are you stayin’ or are you goin’?”

“Alright, Cheap Trick, why don’t you --”

“Apple pie and Little League, or the long and winding road? Your choice, Dean.” Gabriel raises his hand to snap his fingers, but stops at the last second and looks at Castiel standing stiffly in the corner of the living room. “Oh, and Cas, about your grace…” Gabriel smirks. “You’re welcome.” He looks back to Dean. “It’s your choice, Lover Boy, but you have to choose, and you get twenty four hours.” With a snap, Gabriel’s gone.

“Cas, so you’re lofty perch material again?” Dean asks, trying to avoid the obvious elephant in the room.

“I have my grace back, but I’m certain that there is no lofty perch involved,” Cas answers in his matter-of-fact way.

Lexi looks at Sam. “But I thought you said your “test” was to find the grace _for me_? How come it didn’t angel me up?”

Sam starts to shrug, but Castiel interrupts him. “Grace is an angel’s essence, and in order to give it to a human, you must accept it, and it must be given away freely, by the angel.”

“So, unless I wanted it, and you gave it to me again, it would have never come back to me?”

“Correct.”

“Then Gabriel knew… He knew what it was doing to me; that it was making me weak and slowly killing me. He knew I wouldn’t want it, but he sent Sam on this so-called “test” to find “my” grace, anyway, but he knew it would never come back to me, not if Sam was the one that gave it to me. Gabriel… or _God_ , he _wanted_ you to get your grace back. It was part of the plan…”

“Lexi,” Bobby interjects. “I’m glad you out mojo’d the angel mojo, ‘cause frankly, I just replaced the clock in my office, and I don’t want the glass broken again. I could be wrong here, Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time, but your pal, Gabriel, the one who has more aliases than Rufus, just told Dean he has twenty four hours to decide if he’s stayin’ local or if he’s goin’ off into the desert on a horse with no name. Would anyone care to discuss that little tidbit?”

“Apparently, Sammy had a test, and now so do I,” Dean answers with a heavy sigh, and Lexi can see the Dean she’s come to know start to chip away

“No,” Lexi starts. “Gabriel said you can stay _OR_ you can go; you don’t have to do it, and you’re not. _This_ is where you belong - with Sam, with Bobby, and Cas.”

“He said that if I did this, you and the boys would be safe, _forever_ , and then you and Sam…”

“I _am_ safe! All of us are! Especially with both you and Sam here; we can’t get much safer than that.”

Sam speaks up. “Dean, Lexi’s right; you can’t leave. I just got back…”

“I have to, Sammy. Gabriel’s terms, my apparent _destiny_ , they’re all pretty clear; either I stay here, with Lexi, and keep on doing what we were… Or _I go_. He said I have a test --”

“No, you can’t,” Lexi interrupts tearfully. “You can’t do this.”

Dean wipes away her tears and cups her cheeks with his hands. “Lex, if we weren’t together, what would you be doing _right now_? How would you feel about Sammy, knowin’ what you know now?”

She pulls her face away from his hands and looks away. “I don’t know.”

Dean doesn’t need grace or a bond to know she’s not telling the truth. “Yes, you do, and that’s why I can’t stay. You and Sammy… Your souls are bonded, you’re married, you have babies together; you’re _supposed_ to be together. You sacrificed everything for him, and he did the same for you. You two are supposed to be together, not you and me.”

“This isn’t supposed to be how it happens. Don’t do this.” Lexi begs.

“Sammy can’t watch you and me together, and I can’t watch… I gotta go.”

“Dean, don’t do --”

“Hey, guys!” Jody greets everyone as she walks into the cabin with an arm full of grocery bags. When she sees Sam, her mouth falls open. “Holy crap. Sam?” Then her eyes flick to Bobby and Cas in the corner of the room, then to Dean and Lexi, who she can tell are both teary eyed. “What the hell? Lexi, what’s wrong?”

Lexi’s told Jody just about everything about her life in 2014. Jody knows about the fire and how everyone died. She knows about how Cas and Crowley used angel grace and demonic powers to send Lexi to 2007, and she knows the bond, that Sam and Alex are Sam’s sons, but most importantly, she knows that Sam died, and this knowledge confuses her.

Bobby walks over to Jody and helps her put the grocery bags on the table. “Why don’t you, me, and Cas go for a walk, and I’ll give you the highlights, alright?”

Cas gives Sam, Dean, and Lexi a nod as he walks past them and opens the front door for Bobby and Jody. However, Jody doesn’t move; her eyes move back and forth between Sam and Lexi and Dean and Lexi. “Bobby?” She says his name in a slightly panicked voice as he leads her to the door with his hand on the small of her back. “You and Lexi said Sam was gone; that… _he died_. How is he…”

“C’mon, let’s go outside, and I’ll tell you everything.” Bobby walks Jody out the door, and Cas follows, closing the door behind him.

Lexi, Sam and Dean are left in the cabin, and they just look at each other. After a minute, Dean sits down in the recliner, Sam sits on one end of the couch, and just as Lexi moves to sit down on the opposite end of the couch, two little boys come scrambling out of their bedroom. They jabber and drool as they run on their tiptoes across the wooden floor over to Lexi, but when they see Sam sitting on the couch, they stop to grab hold of her knees and look at Sam warily.

“It’s okay,” Lexi tells little Sam and Alex as she wipes the tears from her eyes and sits down on the floor with them. “There’s someone I want you two to meet.” Alex sticks his finger in a tear that rolls down Lexi’s cheek, and she remembers Cas told her the boys don’t like it when she cries. “Mommy’s okay,” she assures them and smiles while kissing Alex’s hand. “That man, right there.” Lexi points to Sam and both little boys look at him while hanging on to Lexi’s shirt. “His name is Sam.”

Sam wipes his face and gives little Sam and Alex a small smile and a wave.

Little Sam’s eyes get huge, and a big drooly grin comes to his lips, then he points to himself. “Me! Sam!”

“That’s right, you’re both Sam.” Lexi stands up from the floor and lifts both boys up on her hips, then sits down in the middle of the couch. Immediately, Alex wiggles down off of Lexi’s lap and toddles off to Dean, but little Sam stays in Lexi’s arms and studies Sam.

Dean snuggles Alex. He kisses the top of his brown hair and breathes in that yellow soap Lexi always buys for them. Lexi watches this, and she knows what Dean’s doing: he’s saying good-bye.

Little Sam hesitantly reaches forward and touches the brass buttons on the pocket of Sam’s olive green cargo jacket, then his fingers experimentally touch the teeth of his zipper, the collar, and finally, the ends of Sam’s hair tucked behind his ears. Little Sam looks up at Sam, over at Dean and Alex, then at Lexi, and back up at Sam again. Another drooly smile shows on his lips, and he chirps, “UP!”

Sam wipes his face again and carefully picks little Sam up off Lexi’s lap and brings him into his.

Little Sam pokes big Sam in the chest. “Sam.”

Sam nods his head and smiles. “Yup; we’re both Sam.”

Alex has been watching the two Sams curiously from Dean’s lap, but as he sees his brother talk to the new stranger, a memory flashes in his growing seventeen month old brain. He squirms down from Dean’s lap and toddles across the wood floor to the basket of toys in the corner. After tucking his favorite bright green frog under his arm, he then grabs a brightly colored fabric covered book and toddles back to the couch.

He chooses Lexi’s lap as a place of safety, this time, and gnaws on his frog while the Sams acquaint themselves, but then gets a sudden burst of courage. Not letting go of Lexi’s hand, Alex climbs off of Lexi’s lap and stands on the couch next to the Sams, and after a minute of curious looks, Alex lets go of Lexi’s hand, grabs on to Sam’s collar and drops his book and frog on the couch. Little Sam picks up the frog and gnaws on it for a bit, while Sam picks up the book.

Little Sam and Alex look at [this book](http://www.sendaframe.com/new_fgallery/items/13683.shtml?a=frame&gg=froogle_13683&gclid=CjwKEAiAlb6lBRCBw4jC-bb3uykSJAB55Ti94gO70y8IN-gyBZcE-ySV_VGAk-HVPOdq-T0PCGooMBoCgb3w_wcB), all the time. It’s not a bedtime story, nor is it a fairytale, it’s a picture book; a gift from Grandpa Bobby, when they first moved into the cabin. When Sam opens the first page, Dean gets up from the recliner and comes to sit next to Lexi.

“This is my family,” Sam reads aloud, from the book, with his sons in his lap, next to Lexi, who is next to Dean. “Some families have two, while others have twenty-three, but the one in this book, belongs to me.”

The first plastic photo page has a picture of Sam and Alex, playing outside in the sun, and when they see it, each of the boys point to themselves. The second page is the crinkled picture Lexi used to keep in her wallet of 2014-Sam, a very pregnant Lexi, and their daughter Alex. The next pages are pictures of little Sam and Alex with Cas or Bobby, the 2013 picture of Jody and Lexi has recently been added, as well.

Sam sees pictures of Christmases and birthday parties that he’s missed, along with first steps and first teeth, but the picture that hits him the hardest is a glossy picture of Dean leaning against the Impala with Lexi in his arms. Dean’s face is buried slightly in Lexi’s hair and he’s smiling into the skin of her neck, while she’s smiling with her eyes closed. He can feel and hear Lexi crying softly next to him, and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Dean rubbing her shoulder with one hand, while his other hand twirls a lock of her long brown hair around his fingers.

The next few pages are random snap shots of the boys, Lexi, Dean, Cas, and Bobby, but Sam’s not at all prepared for the last pages. He sees an old picture of his parents, a couple of him and Dean when they were kids, a few random shots of him and Dean before Lexi came, a couple blurry cell phone pictures of Sam and Lexi from after she came, 2014-Sam’s and Lexi’s wedding picture, and the last two pictures in the book are of Dean, Lexi, little Sam, and Alex. The first one has Lexi brushing Alex’s hair out of his eyes and not looking at the camera, while Dean is laughing because little Sam’s finger is up his nose. The second picture looks exactly the same except they’re all sitting on the couch, smiling and looking at the camera.

Sam reads the last page aloud, and his voice cracks. “This is my family; they’re all right here. Some live close and some live far, but in this book, they’ll always be near. No family is perfect, and none are the same, but this one is mine, and these are their names.”

 _Mother: Lexi Winchester_  
_Father: Sam Winchester_ (next to this is a handwritten: _Daddy: Dean Winchester_ )  
_Sister: Alex & Antonia Winchester_  
_Brother: Sam & Alex Winchester_  
_Uncle: Cas Garrison_  
_Grandpa: Bobby Singer, John Winchester, Anthony Garrison_  
_Grandma: Mary Winchester, Elizabeth Garrison_  
_Friends: Rufus Turner, Jody Mills_

Not too long after Sam stops reading the book, little Sam and Alex wiggle off the couch and wander over to their toy box. Lexi, Sam and Dean silently sit on the couch and just watch them.

A few minutes pass, then Dean gets up from the couch. “I’m gonna go get Bobby and Jody. They’re probably freezing outside.” As he walks behind the couch toward the door, he pats Sam on the shoulder and gives him a firm squeeze, then he shrugs on his jacket and heads out the door.

When the door closes behind Dean, Lexi lets out a sigh. “I didn’t know; I swear I didn’t.”

“I know,” Sam whispers.

Lexi wipes her face on her sleeve and puts on a smile for little Sam and Alex. “I bet you fellas need a couple clean diapers, huh?” She stands up from the couch and leads them toward the nursery by their hands.

Sam stays on the couch by himself for a minute, but then slowly follows Lexi into the nursery. He leans against the door frame. “Do you need any help?”

“Uh, sure.” She nods down at little Sam, who is intently chewing on the baby powder container. “You wrangle that monster, and I’ll hold this one down.” Alex is lying on the changing table and is clearly excited to have his diaper off. Lexi gives him the stuffed zebra with the lime green yarn hair, so he stays still until his clean diaper is on him.

Sam follows suit and grabs a stuffed turtle. He makes a trade with little Sam and puts the baby powder back up on the changing table next to Lexi. Once Alex has a clean diaper, Lexi trades him for little Sam and sets to work on clean diaper number two.

“How come you didn’t call, or let us know you were back?” Lexi asks quietly.

“Gabriel said I had to do everything on my own; I couldn’t call anybody.”

“Oh.”

“And I don’t want you to feel guilty about… _any of this_. You didn’t know, and the things that you _did_ know… I don’t blame you.”

“I just want you to know that it wasn’t like you were gone, and Dean and me just… It wasn’t like that.”

“I know.”

There’s an unspoken, _What if you did know_? hanging in the air, and neither Sam, nor Lexi, are willing to go near it.

Jody pokes her head into the nursery. “Hey, I was just --? Jody stops when she looks up at Sam. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“It’s fine,” Lexi answers while scooping up the two boys trying to climb her legs.

“Bobby and I brought a bunch of food, but we get it if you aren’t in the mood…”

Lexi looks at Sam. “You hungry?” Sam hesitantly nods his head, and Lexi looks back to Jody. “Tell Bobby to fire up the grill.”

-

The sun has come out just a little bit, and the boys and men are outside, while just Lexi and Jody stay in the house.

“You doin’ alright?” Jody asks while chopping vegetables.

Lexi wipes her face for the millionth time and shakes her head. “No. I know that look on Dean’s face; he made it for weeks before he left the first time. He’s going to leave. He’s going leave Sam. I know he is.”

“Bobby said that there were some things about Sam that you didn’t know…”

“There’s lots of things I thought I knew, but didn’t. To be honest, I can live without the two of them; I’ve done it before. It’s just, they’re _supposed_ to be together, because bad things happen when they’re apart.”

“It’s not the same circumstances now. Dean’s not leaving because his brother is dead, and he’s not leaving because he doesn’t want to be here. He’s leaving because he wants to make _you_ safe, and like Sam, when he’s done, he’ll come back.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to save them and keep them together, not tear them apart. Jody, what did I do? How could I do this? How did I go this whole time and not know Sam was alive? I just don’t understand.”

“Well, I don’t know crap about angels and grace and soul bonding, other than what you’ve told me, but I _do know_ that you never set out to hurt anyone. You and Dean… I mean you’ve told me little bits and pieces, and Bobby’s filled in some here and there, but it seems to me, you were alone, Dean was alone, and you just sorta found each other.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened, but why do I feel so guilty?”

“Honestly?”

“Of course.”

“Because you love both of them, and you know whoever you choose, the other one is going to get hurt.”

“Free will is an illusion, Jody. I don’t get to _choose_ , and neither do they. Our paths have already been chosen for us.” Lexi stands up from her chair and walks toward the bedroom. “Dean’s going to leave, and Sam…he’ll be alone, because no one wants a wife that didn’t believe in them.”

-

This is what Sam pictured: drinking a beer with his brother, with Bobby and Cas, and his sons running circles around his legs. What he didn’t picture was the heavy feeling in the air and in his gut.

He didn’t picture… _this_.

He thought he’d do what was asked of him: find Lexi’s grace and bring it to her. He knew he had hurt her, lied to her, and betrayed her, and he knew she thought he was dead, and not that anything in his life has ever gone according to plan, but he thought _this_ would.

It didn’t.

He can feel Lexi, right now. He can feel her confusion, her guilt, and her grief, and she’s wrong: this isn’t her fault.

Sam doesn’t want Dean to leave. He’s been without his brother for over a year, and now he’s back. He doesn’t want Dean to go, but Sam knows he’s going to. This isn’t the first time Dean’s sacrificed everything for Sam, and it probably won’t be the last. Sam knows Dean’s going to go and do what he’s “meant” to do, because that’s what Dean does.

Bobby puts the burgers and steaks on the grill and calls it a Welcome Home Party for Sam, but Sam knows that’s not what this is; they all do. It’s not a Welcome Home Party for Sam, it’s a good-bye for Dean.

“C’mere, Sammy, I wanna show you something.” Dean pulls Sam out of his thoughts, and he follows his brother around the backside of the cabin. They walk up to a fire pit and before they sit down on the logs, Dean pulls his brother into a hug. “I’m glad you’re back, Sammy.”

Sam half-smiles. “It’s good to be back.”

“So, you’re alright? I mean, where you were…”

“I guess, since my soul wasn’t _there_ , I don’t remember anything… I mean, there’s little things, but it’s like it wasn’t me; kind of like a movie.” Sam shrugs. “I woke up in a field, in the rain, and I was kind of out of it for a while. It was like bits and pieces came back, then I remembered, and wanted to find you, but Gabriel showed up.”

“So, you just had to look for Lex’s…I mean _Cas’_ grace?”

“Yeah. I was all over, literally _all over_ , but I found it. Then, I stumbled into a motel and pretty much died. I hadn’t slept in months, and when I woke up, Gabe left me a phone number. I called it, and it was Lexi’s phone.”

“Like three months ago?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I remember that. Her phone rang, and the number was unavailable, then it went to voicemail. That was when…” Dean sighs. _That was when Lex miscarried._ “Jesus…”

“What? _That was when_ , what?”

“Sammy, I know this wasn’t what you were expecting, and if I’d have known…”

“Dean, I know.” And he does.

“She just came out of nowhere. Lex, she called me up, lookin’ for you, and she was in Lawrence, and it was after you’d said ‘yes.’ I got to her as quick as I could, and she was so pregnant. Sammy, she was freakin’ _huge_ , and I couldn’t just leave her. Then Zach took her, _again_ , and you, Bobby, and Cas were gone, but she was back. Everyone was gone, except us, and then she had those boys, and I couldn’t leave her alone.”

Sam remembers how big Lexi was, and while it wasn’t _him_ that night in the parking lot - it was Lucifer - but there was a part of Sam was there, too. “Dean, you don’t have to exp --”

“Yes, I do, and I just have to say, if it wasn’t for her, I don’t know what would have happened to me. She was so sad, and those boys were so small, and I just couldn’t turn my back on that, you know? Those boys were all that was left of you, and I couldn’t…just leave them behind. And I don’t know how it happened, but one day, I looked at her, and I… It didn’t happen overnight, I want you to know that. And it didn’t happen because she was mad at you, because she wasn’t; she’s never been mad at you. She missed you so much, and if she could have, she would have done _anything_ to save you, but _this_ , you have to know it didn’t happen overnight.”

“I know.” Sam nods his head and digs the toe of his boot in the ground. “And I know that she loves you, and I can tell that you love her. It’s pretty obvious, and I’m not mad.”

“How the hell are you _not mad_ , Sam?”

“Because I’m just not. Sure, it sucks, and I wasn’t expecting it – the two of you _together_ – but she thought I was gone and _never_ coming back; I didn’t want her to be alone, or you either.”

“Sammy, you know I gotta go, right? I can’t stay.”

“Yes, actually, you _can_ stay. Gabriel said --”

“Yeah, stay here and live with Lex, while you what? Just sit by and watch?” Sam purses his lips and looks away. “See? Those are _your_ sons in there, and that’s _your_ wife. I _have_ to go. I’ll do whatever the hell it is that I’m supposed to do. I’ll put some miles between _this_ and me, and by the time I come back, you and Lex will…have stuff figured out; things will be the way they were supposed to be.”

“She loves you, Dean! And you’re just gonna leave her? You can’t feel what she’s feeling right now, but _I can_ , and she’s devastated… she’s heart broken.”

“That’s just it, Sammy. You can feel what she’s feeling, your souls are grace-laced together, not hers and mine.”

“It was a spell, Dean! A spell! It wasn’t destiny! _This_ ; what you and Lexi have, _this_ can be _your_ destiny. What Lexi and I have… _had_ …it was because of a spell.”

“That is not entirely true,” Castiel interrupts.

“Jesus, Cas.” Dean flinches at Cas’ sudden appearance. “I’m not used to you with the angel wheels.”

“What’s not true?” Sam asks.

“Soul bonding is done on a spiritual level, and it can only be done in certain and special cases. It is _not_ a spell. Only soul mates’ souls can be bonded together, and soul mates are pre-determined, they are _destined_ … ‘It is written in the stars,’ as humans like to say, and can only be broken by death or extreme betrayal.”

“So, then why, after everything, why didn’t Lexi break the bond?”

Dean sighs at Sam’s question. “We both know why.”

-

Everyone moves mechanically though dinner. Little Sam and Alex can feel the tension in the air, and fuss the whole time, but Cas talks to them while they sit on Dean’s lap. He speaks in soft tones, and explains to them what’s going on, in a way that neither Lexi, nor Dean, can.

The food is hardly touched; everyone too full to the brim with anxiety and guilt… No one has any room left for food.

After the leftovers are put away, and all the dishes are washed, Jody does what she can: she picks up the boys’ toys in the corner of the room, straightens the multitude of boots and shoes, and coats and jackets by the door, then gives the boys a bath. Once Sam and Alex are clean and in fresh pajamas, she sits down next to Lexi on the couch.

“Bobby and I can take the boys tonight, if you want.”

Lexi shakes her head and slowly brings her eyes to Jody’s. “It’s fine. I’ll put them to bed shortly.”

“Bobby and I did have that zoo thing planned, but we can reschedule.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lexi groans. “No, you don’t have to reschedule; it’s fine. What time should I pick them up, tomorrow?”

“I’m off tomorrow, so I can bring them by after lunch.”

“Are you leaving right now?”

“Yeah. You and Dean need some time. You two don’t need Bobby and me in the way.”

“I don’t want to do this.”

Jody hugs Lexi. “I know, but I’m a phone call away if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

Bobby’s already scooped the boys up from Dean’s lap, and he’s got them on his hips. Cas hands Jody their overnight bag. “Well,” Bobby addresses Dean awkwardly, “I’ll be seein’ you tomorrow, right?”

Dean doesn’t answer, he just ruffles little Sam and Alex’s hair and avoids Bobby’s eyes.

Jody watches Sam slowly pull on his boots and shrug his jacket over his shoulders. She can tell he doesn’t know where he belongs, and her heart breaks for all of them.

The two boys and their car seats go in the back of Jody’s squad car, while Bobby and Sam pile in the truck. Jody feels her eyes bulge out of her head a little bit when she looks at Cas and then a second later he’s gone, but Lexi did tell her that Cas was an angel, and she supposes it makes sense.

Jody knows grief, and she knows loss, and none of it is fair, but _this_ … What Lexi, Sam and Dean are going through, ‘unfair’ isn’t the word. Lexi is her friend, and though it’s been just a few months for Jody, she knows it’s been years for Lexi, and Jody wishes she could say the right thing, but even if she did know Lexi as long as Lexi’s known her, there is no right thing to say.

-

Dean can feel Lexi watching him as he pulls his army green weapons bag out of the gun cabinet, but she doesn’t say anything. When he comes out of the bathroom with his shaving bag, she stands up from her chair and goes directly into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

He doesn’t want to leave; he would have stayed with Lexi forever – married her, had a couple more kids, coached Little League, the whole nine – but he knows this isn’t right, and this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

When he finally gets the courage to go into the bedroom and finish packing, he sees Lexi sitting with her knees to her chest in the middle of the bed, crying.

Dean sits down next to her, puts an arm around her shoulder and rocks her just a little bit. “Don’t cry, Lex.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I have to. You know I have to.”

“No, you don’t. You know you don’t. Since when do you follow God’s orders? Since when do you give two craps about destiny? Why are you starting now?”

He kisses the side of her head. “You know why.”

“You can’t leave Sam. It isn’t supposed to be like this. You’re supposed to be with him. That’s why I came back.”

“It’s not forever.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

“I can’t stay, Lex. We don’t belong together.”

Dean sits next to Lexi with his arms around her for what feels like hours. The sun sets behind the trees, and the air grows cold, but they don’t move. When he feels Lexi slump against him and hears her breathing go slow and even, he lays her back on the pillows and covers her with a blanket.

As quietly as he can, he takes his clothes from the closet and the dresser, and empties the drawer of his nightstand. When everything he owns is packed, he turns around and watches Lexi sleep. He just leans up against the wall and watches her chest rise and fall, breaths coming in through her nose and softly come out through her mouth. He could have watched this the rest of his life; he could have _been with her_ for the rest of his life, but things are different now, and he knows it was never meant to be.

He sets his bags down on the floor and, without a sound, digs through the drawer of Lexi’s nightstand. In a little wooden box, he finds the gold and diamond engagement ring Sam gave her back in Minnesota, and after Dean carefully takes the silver and sapphire ring off her finger, he puts the gold one back on, above the gold band that’s already there.

When Dean slides the silver ring on the third finger of her right hand, Lexi’s eyes flutter open. “You’ll be gone when I wake up, won’t you?”

“Go back to sleep, Lex. It’s okay.”

“Don’t go,” she murmurs, more asleep than awake.

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t. Don’t leave me; everyone leaves me.”

“No, they don’t, Lex. Shhhh.” With his hand, he moves the hair out of her eyes and takes a minute to twist her long hair around his fingers. “Go back to sleep.”

-

It’s early when Lexi wakes up to the sound of truck doors closing. She _feels_ Sam, and then after a minute, she hears Bobby’s truck drive down the dirt driveway. Knowing exactly what's happening, she runs out into the kitchen and finds it empty.

“Dean?” She says his name, even though she knows she’s alone in the cabin. When she hears the Impala’s engine turn over outside, she runs to the door and tries to go outside, but the door is stuck.

“It won’t open,” Cas’ voice says from behind her.

“No!” Lexi pulls on the doorknob, but it won’t budge. “Cas! Let me out!”

The glass of the window to the right of the door shatters.

“I cannot do that.”

“NO! Please, Cas, don’t do this. He can’t go! Let me out!”

The window to the left of the door blows out, but the front still door won’t open.

Though the tiny glass window of the door, she watches the Impala drive down the driveway. It turns the corner onto the highway, then it’s gone.

“Alexis, I am sorry.”

“Get out,” Lexi growls with her back to Cas. “Just go.” When she turns around, Cas is gone, and she’s alone.

For a minute she looks around her empty cabin. She looks at the toys in the corner, the single pair of shoes by the door and the one jacket on the hook. Though the broken window, she can see the Scottsdale sits parked in the grass, all by itself, and she knows how it feels.

Ignoring the glass on the floor, she walks back into her bedroom, and the door slams behind her.


	55. Chapter 55

It’s late when Bobby and Sam fall asleep in Bobby’s office – Sam on the couch, and Bobby at his desk – and they wake up at the same time, thinking the same thing: Dean’s leaving.

Jody stays behind at Bobby’s house with the boys, while Sam and Bobby haul ass to the cabin, and when they arrive, Cas is already there. Even though it’s barely five o’clock in the morning, Dean is already loading up the Impala.

“You thinkin’ ‘bout leavin’ without sayin’ good-bye?” Bobby asks as he steps out of his truck.

Without looking up from the trunk or his bags, Dean answers, “Was gonna stop by your place before I left town.”

Bobby gives him a sad half-smile and ignores the fact that Dean is completely full of shit. “Suuure.”

Sam walks out from behind the truck and stands next to Cas. After Dean loads up the last bag, he slams the trunk closed, and points to Cas. “Don’t you let her out of that cabin until I’m gone, I mean it,” Dean’s voice cracks, but he presses on, “You do whatever you gotta do, but don’t you let Lex out of the house.”

Cas gives Sam an uncertain look, but eventually he nods to Dean. “Alright; I will keep Alexis inside.”

“You better hurry up, Cas,” Sam warns him, even though he’s not _at all_ on board with the plan, and he wants everything to stop. “Lexi’s awake, and she knows.” Sam can _feel_ that Lexi’s awake, and if he can feel what _she’s_ feeling, she can _feel_ him too. Sam knows it’s only a matter of minutes, and so does Lexi.

After Cas disappears, Dean walks over to Sam and hugs him, and when he pulls away, both brothers’ eyes are watery. “You take good care of them, Sammy.” Dean’s voice cracks again, and he pats Sam’s chest. “She’s gonna need you.”

“This is one of the stupidest things you’ve ever done, boy,” Bobby tells Dean as he pulls him into a hug.

Dean doesn’t answer, he just claps Bobby on the back and nods his head; he knows what he has to do. “Thanks for everything.”

It’s quiet for a minute as Bobby, Sam, and Dean stand alone in the driveway. Finally, Bobby nods his head good-bye to the boys before walking toward his truck, and moments later, he drives away. Dean starts up the Impala.

“You’re really doin’ this? You’re really leaving?”

“I got to, Sammy. You know I do.” Both Sam and Dean can hear Lexi yelling for Cas to let her out of the cabin, and then they hear the glass of the windows breaking – Lexi knows. “Go and wait around back at the fire pit until I’m gone, but stay with her; don’t let her be alone.”

“Dean, you don’t know what you’re doing to her. You can’t _feel_ it, but I c--”

“Promise me, Sam. Promise me you won’t leave them. Promise me you’ll take care of Lex and those boys because you’re all they have now. I need you to promise me you’ll keep them safe.

Sam nods his head because it’s all he can do. “I swear it. I swear I will, Dean.”

After breathing out a heavy ragged breath and taking one last look at the cabin, Dean sits down in the Impala, and just before he closes the door he says, “Keep them safe. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

After Sam watches the Impala drive out of sight, he walks around the back of the cabin and sits on a log next to the fire pit. Hours pass him by. He didn’t mean to actually _sit down_ , but he didn’t really have a choice. Since he stood at the end of the driveway, just a day ago, he’s been able to _feel_ everything Lexi feels, and even though it’s not _his_ pain, it still makes him double over.

It’s cold outside, but his numb and cold fingers pick at the bark of the log under him, while the toe of his boot absentmindedly digs at a root in the worn down grass and dirt. With only the biting wind and Lexi’s pain as his company, Sam sits there until well into the afternoon, and then his phone rings: it’s Bobby.

“How’s Lexi doin’?”

“She’s sleeping, I think.”

“You _think_?”

“Well, I’m not in the house. I’m --”

“There’s some plywood out by the shed on the East side of the cabin. You should probably cover up those windows before she wakes up and sees she’s got deer grazin’ in the kitchen. Should be a hammer and nails in there too.”

“Got it.”

“How you doin’ by the way?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“Riiiight, but you know, when you’re done _being_ _fine_ you could stop hidin’ outside by the damn fire pit. She’s not gonna bite your head off. If you’re suddenly made of glass, she might shatter your ass to pieces, but she won’t bite your head off.”

Sam can hear Bobby snicker over the phone, and he smiles a little bit to himself. “Thanks.”

“And tell her Jody and I’ll keep the boys again tonight. I’m sure she’s not up for boogers and drool at the moment, and I’ll bring out some new windows in a couple days.”

“I’ll let her know. Thanks again, Bobby.”

“Call me if you need anything.”

“I will.”

Before Sam ends the call, he has to smirk to himself because he hears Bobby mutter, “Idjit.”

After Sam cleans up the glass outside of the cabin as best he can, he nails up the plywood, which was in the shed just like Bobby said it would be. The scent of lumber and outside, briefly brings him back to Lexi’s cabin in Minnesota: the wood, the trees, and the air, but _this_ feels nothing like Minnesota. In Minnesota, Sam felt like they all had a fighting chance: he truly believed that with Lexi’s help, they could save Dean. He never once gave up hope, and when Lexi was with him, it made Sam feel like he had found a piece of himself he didn’t even know was missing, but here and now – it’s not the same.

Sam’s choices have led him down a path he never imagined he would ever walk down, and in the end, they cost him everything: Dean’s gone – who knows for how long – Lexi is _not_ the woman he left behind, she’s not his fiancé or his future wife, and his sons don’t even know him, but Sam made a promise. He promised Dean that he wouldn’t leave Lexi and the boys – _his sons_ alone, and that he’d take care of them. He intends to keep that promise: the promise he should have kept the very first time he made it.

Even from outside the cabin, Sam can feel Lexi is still asleep, and as the pain in her heart makes its way inside of Sam, he briefly wonders how she can stand it. He can _feel_ grief and sadness, mixed with fear and loneliness, but the most painful thing that makes him feel like his heart is being sliced from the inside, out, is the guilt. Lexi feels guilty; she’s got guilt for dozens of things, and they all ache inside of Sam. He feels like he’s dying, but it’s not _his_ feeling, it’s Lexi’s.

After hesitating for twenty minutes, Sam carefully opens the front door of the cabin. He knows it’s not his home, so he doesn’t snoop or dig, but he does manage to find a broom and dust pan behind the fridge. In the silence of the chilly house, he cleans up the glass from the floor and wipes up the trail of blood leading toward the room he can feel Lexi sleeping a restless sleep inside.

Actual feelings and sensations are both gifts and curses of the bond they share, and Sam can feel that while Lexi is in excruciating pain, the source of her pain is not what is bleeding. The blood is from surface wounds on her feet, from the shards of glass, but the actual pain comes from a place deep within Lexi’s heart, and Sam has no idea what to do with it. 

Once the glass is cleaned up, Sam collapses on the couch and whispers to the wooden walls around him, “Now what?”

*//*

The sun is on the other side of the cabin when Lexi wakes up, and she knows it late in the day. She can hear the distinct sound of a hammer pounding nails into wood, but she doesn’t care about the noise because the other side of her bed is cold and empty.

She rolls over and goes back to sleep.

-

It’s dark when she wakes up, again. Her mouth is dry, her head is pounding, her tee shirt and jeans are all bunched up and twisted, and she has a serious need to use the bathroom, so she peels her clothes off, and pulls on her bathrobe.

The light in the kitchen is bright, as opposed to her dark bedroom, and she squints as she walks through the room. The glass is cleaned up from the floor, there’s plywood over the windows, and the smell of saw dust momentarily makes her think of home.

Her mind is blank, yet racing, as she walks on the cold floor through the kitchen, the living room, and to the hallway in search of the bathroom, but she stops mid-stride.

She can _feel_ Sam.

“Bobby and Jody have Sam and Alex,” Sam says softly from his place on the couch. “I cleaned up the glass and covered the windows.”

Lexi doesn’t turn around because a fresh round of tears fill her eyes and fall down her cheeks, she just pulls her bathrobe tighter around herself and whispers in a voice that cracks, “Thanks.” Then walks the rest of the way down the hall.

In the bathroom, she does what she needed to do, then stares at her face in the mirror. Her long brown hair is matted, her blue eyes are blood shot and rimmed with red, her skin is pale and tear stained, and her lips are dry and chapped. After turning on the faucet, she cups her hands for a mouthful of water to chase down a couple aspirin from the medicine cabinet. Not wanting to look at her pitiful reflection again, she turns around, takes off her bathrobe, and turns on the shower.

Except for the feeling of Sam being near pounding in her soul, everything inside of her is numb, and the water feels neither hot nor cold, but she showers anyway. She robotically scrubs her hair, face, and body, then rinses off, and gets out of the shower.

It’s cold in the cabin, still. It has been for two days.

_“Warm me up,” Lexi whined playfully and nuzzled her cold nose into Dean’s chest, only just a day before._

_Dean snickered in the dark and pulled her close to him. “It’s not even light outside yet. How are you awake?” He kissed her cold nose._

_“Cold,” Lexi repeated and put her cold feet on Dean’s legs. “Warm me up.”_

_“And how should I do that?”_

_“Get creative.”_

_“I gotta be quick. Bobby’s comin’ to get me in an hour to go get some firewood.”_

_“You’ve got top-notch, lightening quick, ninja moves; use them.”_

_“I’m never gonna live that down, am I?”_

_“Nope.”_

Lexi pushes the memory of the last time she felt warm out of her mind and pulls her bathrobe tighter around her body, but before she leaves the bathroom her eyes wander back to the countertop and sink. Everything looks empty with Dean’s things absent, and she forces her eyes to look away, because she knows if she’s starts to think about all the things that are missing from her home, she’ll never stop. She’s done this before.

When she slowly walks down the hallway and into the living room, Sam stands up from the couch. “If you want me to go, I can go back to Bobby’s…”

Looking at the floor, then the chair, and everything _except_ Sam, Lexi wraps her arms around herself and shakes her head. Her eyes fill with tears, but they don’t fall.

“Bobby said not to worry about picking up the boys tonight.”

“Okay,” she croaks, still looking at the chair. She pauses for a second, opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something else, but then she walks back into the bedroom.

When the door closes behind Lexi, Sam tries to ignore the finality that seems to come with it. He knows he made the promise to Dean that he would never leave Lexi alone, but now Sam considers the fact that maybe Lexi doesn’t want him there.

For a few hours, Sam sits in the cold cabin and thinks about his promise, and in the end, he decides to be whatever Lexi wants him to be. If she wants him to say, he will. If she wants him to go, he’ll go; simple as that. He hopes it’s the former – in whatever capacity she’ll allow – because he wants to know his sons, and at his core he wants to do the right thing.

When he can’t stand to be alone with his thoughts any longer, he crosses the cabin to the nursery and collapses on the extra bed. The light blue room smells like baby powder and clean sheets; it’s a homey smell that’s Sam’s never really known – not in this life anyhow. The bed below him is soft, much more soft than any bed he’s slept on in the past seventeen months, and it really only takes him moments to fall asleep.

-

It’s dark when Sam wakes up, and he’s cold – almost painfully cold. He’s only got the clothes on his back, and even though the blankets on the bed are wrapped tightly around him, he still can’t get warm. It takes him a half of a second to get his bearings, then he realizes it’s not _him_ that’s cold – it’s Lexi.

With only one thought on his mind: Lexi’s freezing, Sam takes a blanket off the bed as he leaves the nursery and walks over to Lexi’s bedroom, but he sees the front door is open. When he goes outside, he finds Lexi sitting on the stairs of the little porch just staring out into the dark.

“Hey,” he whispers softly so he doesn’t scare her, but he knows she can _feel_ him approach her. She doesn’t say anything, and even in the blackness of whatever time it is, he can tell she’s crying. She’s been crying all night; Sam’s _felt_ it. “You’re freezing.” He drapes the blanket over her shoulders and slowly sits down next to her.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she whispers.

“Me either.”

Lexi sits silently and stares out at the night, so Sam stares too. After about a half an hour of staring and silence, she finally speaks, “I remember this moment…” Her voice trails off, and that’s all she says. Everything goes back to staring and silence.

Sam’s still cold, but he stares and stays silent too.

“I remember this moment,” Lexi starts again, while she continues to stare, and the tears just drip off her cheeks onto the wooden stairs. “It just hit me that I wasn’t going to get another do-over. There wasn’t a spell that could be worked, and I realized there was _nothing_ I could do.”

There’s a million and one things Sam wants to say, but he doesn’t; he just listens and stares at whatever Lexi’s staring at.

“And now… Sam, why are you here?”

With wide eyes he looks at Lexi. “I came because I did what Gabriel told me to do, and I could finally see Dean and--”

She still stares; she still hasn’t looked at Sam. “No, why are you _here_ – with me?”

“I’ve been alone for seventeen months, and it almost drove me crazy. I don’t want you to be alone, but if you don’t want me to stay…”

“It’s not that I don’t want you to stay, Sam. I’m so happy you’re safe, and you should stay here because your sons are here, and you should know them, but…” She buries her head in her hands. “I can _feel_ how hard this is for you, and I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, I’m not _mad._ ”

“You _have_ to stop saying that.”

“Lexi, I’m not. You and I weren’t even _together_. For all you knew I was gone, and I wasn’t ever coming back. You shouldn’t have been alone, same with Dean. He helped you take care of Sam and Alex; he kept the three of you safe. I’m _not_ mad. How are _you_ not mad at _me_?”

“When you left me for _her_ ,” Lexi doesn’t even _try_ to keep the distain out of her voice. “When you left with Ruby, I _was_ mad, but…”

“You have to know if I could take that all back, I would.”

“I do.” Lexi’s voice is soft again. “I know it, but I haven’t been mad at you for a _very_ long time.”

Sam nods his head, and they both go back to being cold and staring and in silence. Out the corner of his eyes he sees Lexi looking down at the fronts of her hands. On the ring finger of her right hand is the silver and gold sapphire ring from Dean, and on her left hand are the gold rings from present and future-Sam. She vaguely recalls being asleep when Dean took her engagement ring off her left hand and moved it to her right.

“Things didn’t turn out the way I always thought they would. Things weren’t supposed to be like this.” She takes off a ring from each hand so only the simple gold band is left.

“How _were_ things supposed to be?” For the first time since Sam walked into the cabin, Lexi finally looks at him, she pauses for just a second to really _look_ at him, but then turns away before Sam can understand the look on her face.

“I’m going to go back to bed.” And with that, Lexi stands up from the stairs and goes back into the cabin.

For a minute, Sam stares out at the dark. He knows how _he_ wants things to be, but Sam learned a long time ago that what he wants and what he gets, are usually two very different things.

Of course, he wants to be with Lexi. For seventeen months he thought of nothing except for his test, and how he was going to do everything in his power to make it up to her. Part of him even let himself think that it was possible when Cas revealed the truth about bonding souls:

“ _Soul bonding is done on a spiritual level, and it can only be done in certain and special cases. It is **not** justa spell. Only soul mates’ souls can be bonded together, and soul mates are pre-determined, they are **destined** … ‘It is written in the stars,’ as humans like to say and can only be broken by death or extreme betrayal.”_

But what Sam can’t figure out is if what Cas said is true, how could have been ‘written in the stars,’ ‘destined,’ and ‘pre-determined’ for he and Lexi to be together, if it all it would have taken was one little choice by Dean, and he would have shared Sam’s destiny. How can they _both_ share the same destiny: Lexi.

*//*

Sam’s warm when he opens his eyes, almost too warm, but he forgets about that when he sees a lime green haired zebra stuffed animal two inches from his nose. For a second he doesn’t know where he is or what to think, but it comes back quickly: _Dean, Lexi, Sam, Alex, the cabin, Dean’s gone… Oh, yeah._

He rolls over to find a dozen more stuffed animals lined up along his side and a tiny little boy peeking at him from around the corner of the door frame.

“Hi,” Sam whispers with a wave and a gentle smile to the brown-haired little boy he’s pretty sure is his namesake. Little Sam’s blue-green eyes widen, and in a flash, he’s gone.

The night before, at Bobby’s, Sam only got to spend just a little bit of time with Sam and Alex, since they were pretty much asleep by the time everyone got back to Singer Salvage. Jody tried to get the boys to let Sam put them to bed, but when they wouldn’t have any of it. Bobby insisted they always got fussy when they were sleepy and assured Sam the nighttime crankiness had nothing to do with him.

When Sam sits up from the bed and moves aside the stuffed teddy bears, turtles, and what looks to be an armadillo, he sees a large cardboard box with ‘Sammy’ written on the side in Dean’s handwriting. Inside, he finds some of his shirts and jeans, a phone charger, a couple books, his laptop, and his shaving bag.

“Dean kept my stuff?” Sam whispers to the empty nursery, or at least what he thought was the empty nursery because out of the corner of his eye, he sees little Sam again.

Sam grins at him.

Little Sam grins back with puddles of drool coming off his chin.

Sam takes a step forward and starts to crouch down, but little Sam lets out a tiny little squeal and takes off in the opposite direction.

Laughing to himself, Sam goes back to going through the items in the cardboard box. After a couple minutes, he feels a little tug on the hem of his shirt, and he looks down to see little Sam and Alex standing at his feet.

The sight is surreal to Sam: there’s two little boys that at one angle look like himself, but at another angle look exactly like Lexi. They each have brown hair like Sam, blue eyes like Lexi, with just a hint of green that reminds Sam more of Dean than himself, but it’s the boys’ chins and brows that Sam knows are his. He’s looking down at _his_ sons.

“Hi,” he says again softly.

The boys give him another drooly grin, this time with the tiniest of giggles.

Assuming that since they’ve come a little closer because they’re less uncertain about him, Sam moves to crouch down again, but the two boys scamper out of the nursery with breathy laughs. When a handful of seconds tick by, and the boys don’t come back, Sam stands up and fixes the blankets and sheets on the bed. Then he loads his arms up with a change of clothes, in preparation to take a shower, but before he makes it out of the nursery, little Sam and Alex are back, and this time they’ve brought gifts.

With a drool covered fist, Alex reaches up and offers Sam a squished two inch chunk of banana that seems to have some sort of ‘crust’ on it, which Sam decides he’s going to assume is Cheerios. He holds his hand out, and Alex deposits the slimy banana portion then giggles at him, but that’s not all. As soon as the banana is gone from Alex’s grasp, his chubby little banana-hand quickly reaches for Sam’s phone sitting on dresser, and runs out of the room.

Sam’s been had…by a toddler.

Little Sam’s offering seems to have sprung a leak and has left a trail of pink juice down his arm, but that doesn’t seem to bother him, because like his brother, little Sam places his gift in Sam’s hand: a fist-squished strawberry.

“Thank you,” Sam tells his son, and as if it was planned, little Sam snatches the wallet on the dresser and scampers out of the nursery.

Seventeen month old little boys – 2.  
Sam Winchester – 0.

They’re just little boys, they can’t hurt his phone or his wallet, right?

In shock from the pint-sized theft, Sam sits down on the bed and looks at what used to be a banana and a strawberry, and for a second he panics, not because two little children have thieved his things, but because he has no idea what to do with his fist-macerated fruit. His sons gave these things to him, is he supposed to eat them? Is he supposed to just throw them away? Surely, _if_ he’s to throw the fruit away, he’s to do it when they’re not looking. The squashed fruit is the first thing they ever gave him, how can he throw it away?

However, the decision is quickly made for him. Quicker than what Sam is convinced two little boys should be anatomically able to move, the overly-soft fruit is taken from Sam’s hands by sticky fists and crammed into two tiny mouths.

“Can I have my stuff back?” Sam asks with a quiet laugh.

Little Sam and Alex look up at Sam with fruit-laced smirks as they devour their gifts, and once all but the banana and strawberry streaked slobber is gone, the two boys belly laugh and cackle with glee, then run out of their nursery.

Sam may know very little about toddlers, but he knows enough to understand that his sons’ have just worked their first con, _on him._

As he walks out into the kitchen, Sam sees Lexi wiping the fruit-stickiness from the little boys’ faces.

“I’m down the hall for five minutes, and you two are already tearing the place apart,” Lexi smiles and shakes her head at the boys. When Alex’s face is clean, he trots off toward his toy box, then she starts in on little Sam’s face and hands. “Alright, go play.” Little Sam runs on his tip-toes over to his brother, and together they dump out the toy box.

Sam watches Lexi turn the wash cloth on his phone and his wallet, and wipe away all traces of banana and strawberry mash. “They’re pretty sneaky, aren’t they?” He asks with a smile.

“Yeah,” Lexi answer with a quiet laugh. “I thought I was avoiding squabbles all this time by trading them something of theirs for something they weren’t supposed to have, but it seems to have caught on.” She hands Sam his things. “Sorry about that. It’s best if you keep things up at least chest high, but to be honest, even _that’s_ not safe.”

“Good to know.”

“They nursery is pretty much their domain, so if you plan on staying, I just changed all the bedding, and you can have the other bedroom, if you want. I can take the nursery. It’s getting kind of cramped in here, and we were talking about looking for something bigger --” Lexi stops herself mid-sentence. Sam can both see and _feel_ a wave of sadness wash over her, but she shakes her head, and it’s gone. “Anyway, if you want to stay, I can take the nursery. Or Jody said, if you want, you can stay at her place, since she pretty much stays at Bobby’s most of the time. Also, if you need it, you can drive the Scottsdale; Cas doesn’t need the Caviler anymore, so I can drive that. I just don’t want you to think you _have --_ ”

Sam can tell she’s nervous and babbling because of it, so he mercifully cuts her off, “Sharing a room with them isn’t so bad. I’ll just have to keep my stuff put away; it’s not a problem… _If_ it’s alright with you.”

“Yeah, of course.” Lexi gives Sam a nervous smile, and except for the duo of jabbering coming from the corner of the cabin, there’s an awkward silence.

Sam breaks first. “It’s warm in here.”

“Oh, yeah, I lit the woodstove when I woke up this morning. Is it too warm?”

“No, no, it’s good.”

“That’s good. Umm, I made coffee. Do you want some?”

Sam holds up his armful of clothes. “Actually, I was going to shower.”

“Bathroom is right through there,” she answers in an all too familiar way as she points toward the hall.

Sam nods his head awkwardly and walks down the hall, leaving Lexi in the kitchen. They might be on opposite ends of the cabin, but they’re both remembering the same thing.

_It was four AM when the Impala finally parked in front of Lexi’s cabin in Minnesota. Dean was starving and hell bent on grilling steaks, while Sam wanted nothing more than a shower._

_“Bathroom is right down there,” a newly time traveled Lexi told Sam and pointed down the hallway._

_Only once before that moment had Sam purposefully used his dimples on Lexi, and she immediately called him out on it, but he liked the way she responded to them so he used them again with a grin. “Show me?”_

_Lexi eyed him like she knew exactly what he was doing, but still took him by the hand and lead him down the hallway. She stopped in front of the bathroom door and like a girl from a game show, she gestured to the bathroom. “Voilà! Towels should be in the cupboard, soap and shampoo in the shower; just dig if you can’t find something.”_

_She started to walk away, but Sam gently stopped her and reached for her wrist. “You’re really going?”_

_Hesitantly, Lexi turned to face him. “I thought, maybe... But Sam, I don’t want to assume. Just because we’re… you know… I don’t want you to feel like you have to… because you don’t have to.”_

_Sam knew exactly what he wanted, and he carefully pulled her into the bathroom, against his chest so he could look down into her eyes. “I want to.”_

“Lexi? Earth to Lexi!” Jody laughs and closes the cabin’s front door behind her. “Are you okay in there?”

Lexi shakes her head. “No, yeah, I’m here. I mean, I’m good. Wait, you were just here a couple hours ago. Don’t you have a job, and drunk-and-disorderlies to hand out?”

Jody puts a half dozen grocery bags on the countertop and shoves two more into the fridge. “Being the sheriff around here isn’t without its perks. I was making my rounds, and I just _happened_ to be out this way, and I just _happened_ to have all this food in my squad car. Thought maybe the last thing you wanted to be doing right now is cooking.”

“You’re such a mother hen.” Lexi rolls her eyes teasingly, but she’s beyond happy Jody is there and that they have a chance to talk. For many years now, spanning two lifetimes, Jody’s been Lexi’s best friend, and without her, Lexi’s sure she wouldn't have made it this far.

“Sue me.” Jody looks around the cabin, presumably for Sam, but she doesn't say anything. “So,” Jody starts as she pours herself a cup of coffee. “How did the rest of yesterday and today go? Have you heard from Dean?”

“No, and I’m not sure if I will. Sam told me, day before yesterday, Gabriel wouldn't let him contact us; I’m sure it’ll be the same with Dean.”

“How you doin’ with that?”

“Do I have a choice? I mean, I still say Dean shouldn’t have gone, and I miss him so much it hurts, but there’s nothing I can do now. Apparently, we’re all back to doing what destiny says we have to do, and it’s my destiny to stay right here, so I just have to figure everything out…again.”

“Well, you know if you need help with the boys, you can always come stay with me at my house. There’s more than enough room there, and I know an extra set of eyes and hands always comes in handy.”

“ _Actually_ , I think Sam is going to stay.”

“Really? How’s that gonna…you know… _work_ with the two of you?”

“It’ll have to work. Those are his children, Jody, and if Sam wants to spend time with them and get to know them, I’m not going to stand in the way of that.”

“But you have to think about what’s best for you, too. I can tell you’re putting on a brave face, but you can’t pretend like nothing’s happened, because it’ll catch up with you. I’ve been there, and I know what that can do to you.”

“I’m not pretending, I just can’t fall apart like I did after Sam was gone. Jody, there were days that I couldn’t function. I didn’t eat or get out of bed, and I don’t have _time_ to be like that. I can’t even get a load of sheets out of the dryer without having Thing One and Thing Two get into something. I’ll figure it out. I have to.”

Jody puts her arm around Lexi’s shoulder. “You will; you’ll figure it out.”

Lexi and Jody sit down at the table with their coffee and watch little Sam and Alex play with their toys. “They keep asking for Dean,” Lexi says with a sad tone.

“They did last night too, and I didn’t know what to tell them. Bobby told Sam that they’ve been calling Dean ‘daddy’.”

Lexi buries her face in her hands. “How could I do this?”

“Do what?” Jody asks carefully, knowing this is a delicate subject for Lexi.

“Sam was my husband, and when he died _in my time_ , I didn’t … _with Dean_. He was my best friend, and sure, I loved him. If it weren’t for Dean, I would have never made it out of the hospital or through that first month after Sam, Alex, and Antonia were gone, but then I get _here_ , and I…”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Jody insists gently. “You didn’t know, and you --”

“But I _should have_! Jody, I should have known!”

“It’s okay. This is a shitty situation, and nothing about it is fair. I have no idea what I would do if Sean were to mysteriously come back, but there’s no right answer here, and you’ve done the best you could; you’re _doing_ the best you can. And if Sam wants to be here, he must think the same thing: you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“He keeps saying he’s not mad.”

“He’s _not_ because you were happy and safe, and when you love someone, that’s all you want for them.”

Lexi gives Jody a ‘yeah, right’ look, stands up from the table, and starts to put the groceries from Jody’s bags away.

“Alright, trouble makers.” Jody ruffles their floppy brown hair after she walks over to their corner of toys. “Be good to your mom, and no finger painting with your fruit, you hear me?”

The boys answer back with happy jabber and toothy grins.

“Good talk, munchkins.” Jody makes her way over to the fridge and stands next to Lexi. “You want me to stop by after work?”

Lexi shakes her head. “No, you don’t have to do that. We’ll be fine, and you’ll be the first person I call if I need anything.”

Jody gives Lexi a hug and whispers in her ear, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’ll be okay.”

“Thanks, Jody.”

“You bet,” She answers and walk toward the door, but turns back to Lexi. “Bobby ordered you a new set of windows, and he’ll probably be out in the next couple of days to put them in.”

“Tell him I say thanks.”

“Will do.”

When the door closes behind Jody, Lexi refills her cup of coffee and sits down at the table. She looks over at her boys, then around the cabin, and puts her head in her hands. After a minute of willing away tears, she _feels_ Sam walk down the hallway, and she can hear his footsteps stop at the opposite end of the table. Without looking up, she asks, “You heard all of that, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t mean to.” He sits down in the chair in front of him. “If you need to talk about… _stuff_ , you can talk to me too.”

“Sam, you don’t want to know…”

"Honestly? Probably not, but Jody was right, you can’t just ignore everything. So, if you need to talk, I’m here. I’ve talked to Bobby some, and a little bit to Dean, but you’re probably the only one who really _knows_ what happened while I was… _gone_ , and it would be nice if…”

Lexi looks up at Sam, and tears immediately fill her eyes. “Oh, God, the cage… You remember?”

“No.” Sam shakes his head. “Well, kind of, but no. I think it has to do with my soul not being in the cage, but that’s not what I mean. I just meant that –”

“Cheese, p’weeze,” Alex interrupts Sam, with his brother at his side as they scramble up into Lexi’s lap.

“You two are hungry already?” Lexi asks the two little boys climbing all over her.

Sam checks his watch. “It’s nine o’clock, do they need breakfast?”

Shaking her head, Lexi laughs. “Nope, they want second breakfast.” She tries to stand up from her chair, but little Sam’s trying to climb onto her shoulder, and Alex is looking like he wants to stand on the table.

“I can get it.” Sam stands up from his chair and heads toward the fridge. “This morning’s experience let me know they like strawberries and bananas, but what else do they like to eat?”

“Sam, you don’t have to. I can get –”

“It’s okay. I should probably know what they like to eat, right?”

“The list would be shorter if I told you what they _didn’t_ like to eat. Alright, Frodo and Sam, let’s get you up in your chairs, and we’ll have second breakfast.”

She scoops up little Sam and buckles him in his high chair, while little Alex reaches his arms up to Sam and jabbers a couple of words followed by, “UP!”

Momentarily stunned by Alex’s demand, Sam looks over at Lexi, and she nods her head, encouraging him to pick up Alex. When Sam bends down, Alex grabs hold of Sam’s belt and the collar of his shirt and shimmies his way up Sam until he’s perched on his hip with his little arms hanging on to his shoulder.

“They like to climb,” Lexi tells Sam with a smile.

“I can see that.” Sam looks at Alex, and Alex looks at Sam, and Lexi watches them both.

A handful of quiet seconds pass, and Alex pokes Sam in the chest. “Sam!”

Little Sam echoes, “Sam!”

“Cheese, p’weeze,” Alex makes his request again, and Lexi helps Sam put him in the high chair.

“So, cheese for lunch?” Sam assumes with a smile.

Lexi grabs a box of Cheerios off the top of the fridge. “First, you have to sate the monsters – occupy them while you prepare the feast.”

Sam takes the box and sprinkles a small handful of the dry cereal on each of the trays of the high chairs. “Amuse-bouche; got it.”

“Usually second breakfast is something small, and _apparently_ they’ve got their hearts set on cheese.” Lexi takes a bag of shredded cheese out of the fridge and gives the hungry boys each a pinch or two.

Sam watched his boys’ little fingers grab the tiny shreds of cheese and cram them into their mouths. “Anything else?”

“Yup. There’s two cups in the fridge.”

Sam takes the two cups out and sets them both on the trays of the high chairs.

“And without Cas here, _this_ might be more difficult than usual, but we’ll get the hang of it.” Lexi gets a container of fresh green beans from the fridge and puts a couple on little Sam and Alex’s tray.

“Cas? Why is it difficult without Cas?’

“Cas would… He’d talk to them, and they seemed to understand him better than me or Dean. Plus, Cas could ‘speak baby’.”

Sam smiles and shakes his head. “Of course he could.”

Little Sam and Alex chatter in their own language back and forth as they eat their cheese and green beans, while Lexi and Sam sit at the table and watch them.

“Sam?”

“What?”

Lexi takes a green bean out of the container and bites off a piece before she says anything. “I know _this_ isn’t what you pictured, but I’m glad you’re here; I’m glad you get to be with them.” She pushes the container over to Sam, and he takes a green bean as well.

“Me too.”

-

The rest of the day Sam spends on the rug in the living room with little Sam and Alex. Lexi watches from a distance while she folds laundry, makes lunch, and finds room in the nursery for Sam’s things. For the most part, Lexi lets the three of them be alone so they can bond and get more comfortable with each other. Her plan seems to be working because by the end of the day, Sam’s a jungle-gym, and three different sets of laughter fills the cabin.

One by one, Sam is introduced to each of the boys’ favorite toys: the plastic green frog, and the green haired zebra, as well as all the other stuffed animal friends. Little Sam and Alex also catch on very quickly that ‘big’ Sam will pretty much do anything they want him to, and they hand him one book after another – Sam reads until he’s hoarse.

The pure joy coming through the bond from Sam to Lexi makes the awkwardness easier to deal with, and even though she’s kept her distance for most of the day, that doesn’t stop her from watching the three of them together from afar.

Against her better judgment, Lexi forgoes the twins’ naptime – not wanting to disrupt them, but eventually the boys’ manage to convince Sam to play their favorite movie, and when Lexi comes down the hall, into the living room about twenty minutes later, little Sam and Alex are sleeping against Sam’s chest.

“I can put them in the crib if you want?” Lexi asks softly, and Sam sleepily shakes his head. Lexi’s been at this for a while; she knows the signs. She covers them all with a blanket, and the trio of Winchesters sleep on the couch until suppertime.

After supper, Sam tries to help Lexi get the boys into their pajamas, but they’re wiggly and keep trying to run away. He remembers what Lexi did with the stuffed animal and the baby powder two days before, so he gives Alex a stuffed turtle and is able to get the pajamas in place.

Once the boys are ready for sleep, Sam sits on the bed with his back against the wall, while Lexi sits in the rocking chair with the boys and reads them a book. While she reads about a bear and his love for honey, Sam thinks about all the things he’s missed: the day Sam and Alex were born, the first time they crawled and walked, and their first birthday. He’s missed over a year of their lives.

“It’s okay, Piglet,” Lexi reads aloud from the book and looks up at Sam. “Our new beginning can start right now.”

Sam stays in his spot while Lexi puts the sleepy boys in their crib, but he can still see how they instinctively curl around each other.

“Do they always do that?” Sam whispers.

“Since they were born.”

Sam follows Lexi out of the nursery and they sit on the couch. “Were they born here, in South Dakota?”

“No. We were still in Lawrence. I went in to labor five days after you…were gone, and I had them in the motel room. My-Cas and Crowley worked a spell to come get me and bring me home, but I didn’t go.”

“You actually delivered them _in_ the motel room?’

“Well, _I_ didn’t; Cas did, and Crowley helped.”

“Crowley?’

“Yup. He’s not so bad…once he’s not a demon anymore.”

Both of them sit quietly for a minute, each thinking their own thoughts.

Once again, it’s Sam who speaks first, “I heard what you said to Jody, about how you were after I was gone…”

“It was hard; it was hard for both of us, and I know I’ve already told you this, but Dean and I… It took a long time. I should have known, but I swear I didn’t. I never _felt_ you, not until two days ago – not once.”

“I never did either. The only thing I can think of that Gabriel blocked it somehow, so you didn’t know I was back.”

“He would.” Lexi rolls her eyes.

“Lexi?”

“Hmm?”

“How come you never broke it? The bond. After everything I did, you had every right to.”

It takes Lexi a minute to answer. “At first, I didn’t break it because I still thought there was a chance of saving you. I thought that once everything was all over, we could go back to how things were. Then Ruby came, and you were gone. Then there was Lilith and the church, Gabe and the hospital, and when Dean brought me back to the motel there was Zachariah. Then I was in heaven, and when I finally got out, you’d already said ‘yes’. Cas’s spell said that the bond could be broken by death, and I know you weren’t _dead_ , but you were gone, and I didn’t feel _anything_ , so I thought it _was_ broken.”

“Oh.”

“That’s not the answer you were expecting, is it?”

Sam doesn’t answer ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ and he doesn’t give any indication either way.

“Look, Sam, I can _feel_ … I know how you want _things_ to be, but --”

“But you love Dean…”

“I do, but…” With a frustrated sigh, Lexi gets up from the couch and starts to walk away, but stops. “GOD! Why is this so hard? This is _not_ how this was supposed to be!” Her voice breaks, and tears start falling down her cheeks.

Sam walks over to Lexi with the intention of hugging her – just _comforting her_ in some way, but he stops himself, and just stands next to her.  

“Sam, you’re here…” Her hands reach up and touch his shoulders, and they both feel a jolt in the bond. “You’re _finally_ RIGHT HERE!”

“I _am_.” Sam takes a step closer to Lexi. “I’m here.”

“I prayed to every angel I know, just begging them to save you. I thought of you every single day. I _missed_ you every single day, and now…” Lexi’s hands press into Sam’s chest, and she looks up at him with tears streaming down her face. “You’re _right here.”_

“I won’t leave. I know I’ve made that promise before, but I swear I won’t leave again. Not unless you want me to.” He moves his face closer to Lexi, and he can feel her heart pound against his chest, as well as a plethora of feelings inside her.

“No, I don’t want you to leave.” Every place their bodies touch, the bond feels electric, like their souls are reaching out to each other, just trying to reconnect.

“Then I won’t.” He moves closer, and when his lips are a breath’s distance away from Lexi’s, she moves her face, and Sam ends up kissing her forehead. Still, he smiles against her skin and hugs her tighter – _this_ might not be _exactly_ what he wants, but he’s touching her, holding her, and comforting her. She’s real, she wants him to stay, and right now that’s all he needs.

“I’m sorry,” Lexi murmurs into his chest. There’s a part of her that _wanted_ – still wants – to kiss Sam, but there’s another part of her that loves Dean so much. She remembers what Dean said, _“You and Sammy… Your souls are bonded, you’re married, you have babies together; you’re supposed to be together. You sacrificed everything for him, and he did the same for you. You two are supposed to be together, not you and me.”_ The memory makes another sob come out of her throat. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“I know, but it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. Dean left because of me, because he wanted to give you and me a chance… And you – _you_ come back after _literally_ going through hell, to find out that the woman who traveled in time to save you, who was _supposed_ to be your wife, is…was… _was_ engaged to your brother…” She rubs her left ring finger that only has one ring on it now. “My screw up hurt everyone! And now Dean’s all alone, and you’re stuck with me.”

“Hey, I’m not _stuck_ with you.”

Lexi wipes her tears and looks up at him. “Dean made you promise not to leave me alone; you’re _stuck_ with me.”

“You heard that?”

“No, I just know Dean.”

Sam chews on his lip and breathes out a heavy sigh. “Look, I know you know how I feel, and what, if this were a perfect world, I would want, but I know it’s not a perfect world, and I know it’s not that easy. I _want_ to be here with you and Sam and Alex; I _want_ to help you with them, and get to know them, and be the kind of dad _I_ always wanted, but I won’t stay if this is going to be too hard for you.”

“I _do_ want you to stay, and please don’t ask me why, because I can’t… I can _feel_ what you’re feeling, so I know you can feel what I’m feeling, right?”

Sam nods his head. “I can.” _I can feel it, but that doesn’t mean I understand_ , he thinks to himself.

“Okay, so, I _do_ want you to stay, but I have to leave it at that. I can’t explain… It’s too much.

When she says that, he gets it, and he can finally _feel_ it. The guilt he feels coming from Lexi is because she’s conflicted. Sam is right, Lexi loves Dean, but Sam understands now: she loves him too. “It’s alright, I know, and I’ll stay. I’ll get a job and learn how to put a diaper on something that refuses to hold still, and I promise we’ll figure this out. Until then, I’ll just _be here_ , okay?”

Lexi breathes in deeply and wipes away her tears. “Yeah, okay.”

With one arm still around her shoulder, Sam leads Lexi back to the couch. They sit together while she sniffs and continues to wipe at her tears. After a little while, a smirk makes its way onto Sam’s face.

“So… Cas was human, huh? What was that like?”

Lexi chuckles in spite of her tears. “Yeah. He ate… _a lot_. Like, all the time.”

Sam laughs too. “Did I read in that book that Cas’s last name is Garrison?”

“Yeah, Bobby set Cas up with all the papers he needed for his Social Security Card and his Driver’s License, and Bobby said he felt weird about giving Cas ‘Singer’ for a last name, so he gave him mine.”

“I see, and Bobby and the Sheriff --”

“Jody.”

“Right, _Jody_. Bobby and Jody are _a thing_?”

“Yup. Have been for a few months, now.”

“Very interesting. I remember the picture from _before_ , but I never really believed it.” Sam shakes his head and continues to grin. “Bobby and the Sheriff... I’m gone for less than two years, and Bobby found himself a girlfriend. You wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, would you?”

“Me?” Lexi grins innocently and shoulders Sam in the ribs. “No-ooo.”

*//*

Cas takes his hand away from the side of Dean’s face, and the vision of Lexi and Sam fades away; all Dean sees is the interior of the Impala.

“See,” Cas says, “They are all fine.”

Dean wipes his eyes on the cuff of his jacket and nods his head. “So, closing the gates of hell, _forever_? Where do we start?”

Cas stares out the windshield of the Impala as if he’s in deep thought. “I think it would be wise if we sought the assistance of Balthazar.”


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi comes from an AU where there are no demons, and obviously things are a little different: 1 – Bobby is alive. 2 – Sam completed and SURVIVED The Trials. 3 – Crowley is human with demon powers.
> 
> Also, canonically, Sam saved Bobby’s soul from Hell, but since Bobby is alive in my fic, the saved soul of the second trial will be/have been someone else.

_That went…okay_ , Sam thinks to himself as he quietly lies back on the extra bed in little Sam and Alex's nursery.

He and Lexi talked for several hours, just sitting on the couch together. Lexi talked about the past seventeen months of little Sam and Alex’s life, how Jody and Bobby started out, Cas’s time as a human, and they even briefly talked about the life Dean and Lexi had, but the subject was quickly dropped when Lexi became uncomfortable.

Sure, Sam doesn’t want the play-by-play, but there’s a part of him that wants to know about this other life Dean carved out for himself… with Lexi.

Sam wasn’t lying before when he said he wasn’t mad; he’s not mad, not at all. A little jealous? Sure. Frustrated with himself? Of course, but he’s never been mad, and if he has been, it’s been at himself. He knows what he’s done, and he knows what Lexi’s probably thought about him: he did leave her for Ruby, not once, but twice. Sure, the second time, he left with Ruby to _save_ Lexi, but Lexi didn’t know that – how could she? Sam’s not stupid; he knows this whole situation would have never happened if he wouldn’t have gone off with Ruby in the first place.

Sam knows he’s made so many mistakes, but just being where he is right now: in a bed, not three feet from his sons’ crib and on the other side of the wall from Lexi, it’s not how he wants it to be, but considering the circumstances, it’s more than he could have hoped for.

-

It’s still dark when Sam’s eyes flicker open to see the dim orange light from the baby monitor casting a warm glow around the room. Little Sam and Alex are snuggled around each other in their little footie pajamas, but Sam can _feel_ Lexi’s not asleep.

Without a sound, Sam yanks a shirt over his head and pulls it down over his pajama pants as he stands up from the bed. He walks softly across the wooden floor, past his sleeping sons, and out of the nursery. The first thing he sees is Lexi hunched over the kitchen table, writing something.

“Couldn’t sleep again?”

“Had a dream,” Lexi answers with her back to Sam, and her head still down.

“A dream?” Sam sees the pot of coffee brewed on the countertop. He pours himself a cup and tops Lexi’s off. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I know what Dean’s doing; I know what Gabriel’s making him do.”

She’s scribbling furiously in what Sam now recognizes as his dad’s journal – her version of it. “It looks like you’re pretty busy, and I don’t wanna bug you, but the grace… I watched it go to Cas, do you still have… You have visions?”

“A little bit, I guess. I’ve had a vision before… Lilith, you, Ru --” Lexi’s voice stops for a second. “And the church, but _this_ was different. I don’t know, but it makes sense with what Gabriel said.”

Sam’s insides clench at the mention of Ruby, and he lets _that_ subject drop – he has no desire to talk about it either. “He said Dean’s test will keep you and your children safe, forever.”

“Right.” She’s still scribbling.

“So, what do you think he’s he doing?”

She still doesn’t look up at Sam. “I think he’s doing what _you_ did in my time; I think he’s closing The Gates of Hell.”

“Lexi,” Sam says her name softly and puts his hand over hers to make her stop writing. “Can you… I mean, can you just talk to me? Please?”

Finally, she puts the pen down and looks up at Sam. “I’ve only ever had a dream once like this before. I was in the hospital, and I dreamed about the night of the fire. I saw it; I saw everything that happened the night of the fire, and this was just like that. I saw Dean in the Impala, and he was talking to Cas. I heard Dean say, ‘So, closing The Gates of Hell, forever? Where do we start?’”

Sam’s not sure what Lexi means about being in the hospital. Is she talking about after the fire, or after Gabe pounded her head into the highway, or is it something else – he quickly decides not to ask. “You can fill that journal with every piece of information you know, but Gabriel’s not going to let you or me anywhere _near_ Dean. I know he won’t; he wouldn’t let me even _call_ you or Dean.”

“But if Dean’s with Cas, I can pray, and Cas will come, and _he_ can bring Dean the journal.”

“I don’t know if that will --”

“It has to. This journal is Dean’s; it’s yours; everything in here you two put in here, and he _should_ be able to have it. And if my dream was a vision, or whatever, you better hope to God that Gabriel lets Dean have this, because I don’t know how he is going to do any of these things without it.”

“What things? What would he have to do?” Sam moves his chair next to Lexi’s so he can read what she’s written.

“In my dream, I watched myself have these conversations with you, or I could hear conversations that you or Dean or Bobby had... It’s weird because I remember these conversations, but they don’t make any sense to me. Like this one.” She points to a page:

FEBRUARY 2013 – SAM CALLED TO WISH ME AN EARLY VALENTINE’S DAY. SAID HE WAS COVERED IN HELLHOUND BLOOD - HE KILLED A HELLHOUND.

“I killed a hell hound?”

“I guess. I hardly even remember this conversation, but I saw it in my dream, so I wrote it down.”

“What’s this?” Sam points to:

KAH-NUH-AHM-DAHR.

Lexi shakes her head. “I have no idea; I just heard you say it in my dream, so I wrote it down.” She turns the page. “The next one makes even less sense.”

Sam reads aloud from the page. “April 2013 – Bobby on phone. Says he’s got Bela Lugosi’s location in Hell. Save and send to heaven.” He looks at Lexi with big eyes. “Bela Lugosi?”

“I don’t know. Why _him_? I’ve known Bobby for a long time, but I didn’t know he was a black-and-white-vampires-slash-Frankenstein-horror-fan.”

Even though he knows he probably shouldn’t, Sam chuckles just a little bit. “I don’t think the actor, ‘Bela Lugosi,’ is what Bobby meant. ‘Bela Lugosi’ is Bela Talbot. Remember the night you came back – the rabbit’s foot? I guess I didn’t know she was in Hell though.”

“Oh.” Lexi looks dumbfounded for a second. “Well, that makes more sense. I vaguely remember her story; it’s in here somewhere. She made a deal when she was about ten.” She rifles though the pages of John Winchester’s journal and points to an entry from February 2008. “I kept you and Dean in the cabin, so you didn’t _get to_ _do_ all this, but yeah, she went to hell. I guess you saved her though.”

“I guess.” Sam sits back in his chair and gets a look on his face that Lexi instantly recognizes.

“What’s wrong? How come you look sad?”

“How come I saved _her_? How come we didn’t save…Adam?” Sam says his half-brother’s name in barely a whisper.

“I’ve been thinking about that all morning, and the only thing I can come up with is there’s no way for a human to get inside the cage.” Sam flinches at the word ‘cage,’ and Lexi reaches out for Sam’s hand. “Sorry…”

“No.” Sam shakes his head and gives her hand a light squeeze, but he doesn’t let go. Neither does Lexi. “It’s okay; say what you were gonna say.”

“Gabriel saves you now, but Cas saved you then, and if Cas would have helped you, then, it wouldn’t have been _you_ doing it, so _you_ wouldn’t have completed The Trials.”

“The Trials? How do you know that’s what they’re called?”

“It was in my dream. I saw this kid that Dean called Kevin, and this Kevin called them ‘The Trials’ He said that if they were done, The Gates of Hell would be closed _forever_. It was so weird. I think I was seeing it from your perspective… Like it was _your_ memory, _future_ -you.”

“How do you know it was my memory or from my perspective?”

Lexi smirks and laughs just a little bit. “I felt… _tall_. It’s just a guess.”

Sam smirks too, but he keeps quiet.

“I remember this.” Lexi points to her writing. “I remember Bobby talking on the phone, and hearing him have this conversation. You and Dean came home a couple weeks after this – it was after my birthday – and I heard you talking about Adam. I specifically remember it because you two _never_ talked about him. So, I know Bela wasn’t your first choice – Adam was.” She rubs her thumb over the tops of Sam’s knuckles. ”You tried; I know you did.”

Sam nods his head and flips the page in his father’s journal. It says:

MAY 2013 – CROWLEY HUMAN. SAM ON THE FLOOR OF A CHURCH COVERED IN BLUE-WHITE LIGHT. GATES OF HELL CLOSED.

“What does that mean?” Sam wonders as he reads Lexi’s words over again.

Lexi takes her hand away from Sam’s to rub her face. “I just saw Crowley in a chair, and he didn’t look like _this_ -Crowley; he looked like _my-_ Crowley – his face was… _different_. He looked worried about you. I can’t explain it, but I know I’m right.”

“I believe you; I do, but what does the rest of this mean?” He points to the journal page, then looks up at Lexi. “What does it mean-- Hey, why are you crying?” Sam carefully hugs her, and she starts to sob. “What’s wrong?”

Between sobs and hiccups, Lexi can barely breathe, but she manages a quick, “I think… I watched you _die_ , Sam. I think you died in that church,” before another round of sobs take her breath away.

“I didn’t die. How could I have died? I’m right here.” Sam knows she doesn’t mean the _him_ that’s right there; he’s just trying to comfort her, because he can feel what she’s feeling – it aches. “It’s okay.”

“Why would you do it, Sam? I remember the weeks between these two things. You came home after saving Bela, and you were so sick; you were weak, and you could hardly get out of bed. I was pregnant with Antonia, and you spent the whole time in bed with me and Alex just sleeping and watching TV. I didn’t understand it then, but now… It all makes sense: the way you looked at me, and the way you looked at Alex… You’d spend hours just…” Lexi pulls away from him to wipe her face, and Sam’s surprised when she leans back into his arms. “You spent hours just talking to my belly… I know what you were doing, Sam. You were saying good-bye, because you knew what was going to happen – you knew you there was a chance you were going to die. How come you didn’t tell me?”

“I’m sure I just didn’t want you to worry.” Sam rubs her back and continues to hold her tightly. “And apparently, we wrangled up some angel to heal me or bring me back; it sounds like we had it figured out.”

“Why do you always have to do stuff like that? Why do _constantly_ have to keep sacrificing yourself for me – both you and Dean? What the hell?”

“If it meant keeping you and our kids safe, I would have done it… I _have_ done it, and Dean’s doing it _right now_.”

“You both are stupid,” Lexi grumbles into Sam’s chest, “I _am_ safe and so are the boys – I was _then_ too; you two have _always_ kept us safe.

Sam sits quietly for a minute before he speaks. “We did it because you’re worth it… You always have been.”

Shaking her head and wiping her face, Lexi pulls away. “Sam…”

“You’ve done the same for me – for both Dean and me. If Dean wouldn’t have stopped you, you _would have_ made that deal with Crowley to save him. And Dean told me, after you were gone, that even though Zachariah threatened to kill you, you _still_ would have told Dean everything – you would have sacrificed yourself for us. You _did_ sacrifice yourself for me when you traded my life for yours that day in the motel room when Zachariah killed me. _AND_ even though I left you, you told me when I first got here that you _still_ made the deal with Crowley to give me back my memories! Even though I left you, you still tried to save me! You sold your soul _for me_!”

Lexi gets up from the table. “Sam, that’s different!”

He follows her. “How is that different?!”

“Because it is!”

“How?!”

“Because I love you!”

For a minute that seems to last forever, Sam and Lexi just stare at each other.

Lexi is the first to speak. “I would have sacrificed myself for Dean, because _that’s_ how much I love you. And even though you _left me_ , I still loved you, and I would have sold my soul ten times over if I would have known --”

Sam cuts her off by pulling her into a tight hug. “How could you do that? _Why_ did you do it? I left you, and you _still_ tried to save me. I just got you… I’m here, and _you’re_ here; I can’t… He’s _not_ taking you. I won’t let him. You’re _not_ going to hell.”

“Sam, you don’t have to --”

“No. I _just_ got you back. I _will_ fix this; I don’t care what I have to --”

“Stop.” Lexi pulls away from Sam to look up at him. “Don’t even say it. You don’t have to _do_ anything. It’s done; I took care of it. I’m not going to hell.”

Sam doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “What? How?”

“ _My_ -Crowley; he came back, and he took it away.”

He wants to kiss her, but he doesn’t, he just hugs her again. “Good.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.” Lexi lets Sam hold her, and she knows he wants to kiss her, but she doesn’t look up at him. “I should have told you.”

Sam slowly shakes his head. “It’s not different.”

This time she does look up so she can see Sam’s face. “What’s not different?”

“Dean’s closing The Gates of Hell because he loves you, and I know I’m not _your_ -Sam, but I know _I_ did what _I_ did – to keep you safe – because I love you too.”

Before Lexi can say anything, two sets of tiny little feet scamper across the floor, and she turns away from Sam. “You two climbed out of your crib, again?”

“YES!” Little Sam and Alex exclaim with drooly smiles.

“Alright.” Lexi gathers the two jumpy boys up in her arms. “I think I know two boys who need clean diapers.”

Alex wiggles and squirms until Lexi puts him down, and he trots off toward Sam with his arms up in the air. “UP!” Of course, Sam scoops him up and holds him on his hip. “Sam!” Alex proclaims, poking Sam in the chest the way they always seem to do.

“Sam!” Little Sam agrees while clapping his hands.

“You wanna take care of Thing Two’s diaper, and I’ll change Thing One’s?” Lexi asks with a hopeful smile.

“Uh, yeah,” Sam answers hesitantly while trying to hang on to Alex who is wiggling in his arms. “I can try.”

Lexi’s hopeful smile changes, and she grins at little Sam. “I bet you your applesauce he gets peed on.”

Little Sam just giggles and wipes a fistful of drool on Lexi’s neck, while ‘big’ Sam gets a slightly horrified look on his face.

“I’m just kidding,” She tries to reassure him with the same grin. “Kind of…”

Sam follows Lexi into the nursery, and holds on to Alex while he watches Lexi’s method of changing a diaper. When she’s done, she puts little Sam back on her hip, and watches Sam carefully lay Alex on to the changing table.

“Alright.” Sam takes a deep breath. “I can field strip a weapon in under a minute, so I _know_ I can do _this_.”

Lexi chuckles, but she doesn’t say anything.

Sam does exactly what Lexi did: diaper, wipe, re-diaper, but he fumbles with the sticky tabs.

“I can help, if you need it,” Lexi offers carefully. “It’s tricky the first couple times.”

“No, no; I got it,” Sam affirms, but he’s still trying to figure out the tabs.

She takes pity on him. “The tabs are sometimes kind of hard, but with boys you have to make sure you keep the diaper over --”

Too late. The front of Sam’s shirt is soaked.

Alex giggles, and Lexi tries to hold in a laugh, but it comes out a snort when turns around to hide her face.

“Crap,” Sam groans when he looks down at his wet shirt.

Lexi laughs, and this time she doesn’t try to hide it. “You’re lucky _that’s not_ what it was. Don’t worry, it happens; I’ve been peed on _so_ many times. Change your shirt, and go take a shower. I can finish.”

Sam pulls his shirt up over his head and tosses it in the laundry basket. “Nope.” He grins. “I got it.”

“Oh.” Lexi averts her eyes from Sam, and feels her cheeks turn pink. “Well, you should be safe _now_.”

In less time than he can field strip a weapon, Sam has Alex cleaned up and in a fresh diaper. “There.” Sam grins while he lifts Alex from the changing table.

“You did good.” Lexi says with an awkward smile before walking into the kitchen.

Still shirtless, Sam follows Lexi out to the kitchen table. He buckles Alex into his high chair, while Lexi does the same to little Sam.

“I got this. You can go shower if you want.”

“You sure?”

“Yes,” she answers quickly, then swallows. “I mean, yeah, it’s fine.”

Sam shrugs, ruffles Alex’s hair and walks back into the nursery to get clean clothes. When he comes back out and starts to walk down to the bathroom, Lexi is singing some little song about Cheerios.

-

Ten minutes later, a freshly showered Sam comes back into the kitchen to see Lexi’s sitting at the table eating breakfast and drinking a cup of coffee. He remembers he forgot his phone and his wallet on the dresser, and since he’d rather not have them banana’d up again, he starts to walk back toward the nursery.

“Sam?”

He stops and turns toward Lexi. “Yeah?”

“I found some more of your shirts; just a couple. I put your gun in the gun cabinet – the key is on the hook by the door – I don’t know if you plan on hunting with Bobby while you’re here, but that’s where it is.” She takes a stack of shirts and gives them to Sam.

“Thanks.”

“Sure.”

Sam brings his shirts into the nursery and starts to put them in his drawer, but he notices they’re thinner than the ones from the box with Dean’s hand writing – like they’ve been worn. When he closes his drawer, a light rain smell makes its way up to Sam’s nose – he knows that smell.

When he comes back out into the kitchen and sits down to his coffee – his phone and wallet safely in his pocket, Lexi’s still sitting in her chair, and he notices she’s still holding on to something – it’s his journal, the one she gave him back in Minnesota. When she sees that he notices it, she hands it to him. “This is yours too.”

“Um, thanks. I’d kind of forgotten about this.” He starts to thumb through the pages of the journal, but Lexi puts her hand over his to stop him.

“Can you… Would it be alright if you didn’t read that right now?” She’s picking at her nails and not looking up at Sam.

“Sure. No, that’s fine.”

“It’s just… I used to write to you. It’s kind of where I went through my five stages of grief, so some of it might not be… _nice_. After the boys came, I kept my… I didn’t let the way you made me feel… _out._ I kept it all in there. So, try to remember that I meant what I said before, that I haven’t been mad at you for a long time, but when I was mad at you…I was _really_ mad… I swear, I honestly thought I would never see you again.”

“I can imagine what you thought about me, but it’s okay.”

“No it’s not, and when you read that, you’ll see why. If you really do want to stay here…with me – with us, and you meant what you said, earlier, you need to know about… _everything_. Well, not _everything,_ but the things in there…you need to know them.”

Sam takes deep breath and nods his head, but he keeps quiet; he knows Lexi’s not done.

“And there’s some stuff about Sam and Alex in there too. I tried to keep it kind of like a baby book, but I wasn’t very good at it. So, there’s not _tons_ , but there’s some stuff in here, and it might be dumb, but it was kind of therapeutic to _talk to you_ like that. Just don’t read it _right now_ , okay?”

Sam pushes the journal away from him to the furthest corner of the table. “Yeah; sure. I can read it later or whenever.”

Lexi nods her head.

-

The whole day, as Sam helps Lexi clean up after breakfast, feed little Sam and Alex second breakfast and lunch, put them down for a nap, and cook and clean up dinner, Sam keeps seeing the dark brown covered journal in the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t touch it.

Once little Sam and Alex are asleep in their crib, Lexi says, “I’m going to take a shower and get ready for bed. I’m exhausted; I got up too early.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll probably be doing the same soon, too.”

Lexi nods her head and walks down the hallway to the bathroom.

Sam stares at the journal.

She comes out twenty minutes later, checks on the sleeping boys, tells Sam ‘good night,’ and closes her bedroom door behind herself.

Sam continues to stare at the book for an hour before he touches it.

-

It’s not exactly warm outside, but Sam puts on all the layers he has and goes to the backside of the cabin to the fire pit. Once a small fire is made, with shaky hands, Sam pulls his journal out of his jacket pocket, and blows out a deep breath.

He quickly reminds himself of what Lexi said: _I used to write to you. It’s kind of where I went through my five stages of grief, so some of it might not be…nice. After the boys came, I kept my… I didn’t let the way you made me feel…out. It’s all in there. So, try to remember that I meant what I said before, that I haven’t been mad at you for a long time, but when I was mad at you…I was really mad… I swear, I honestly thought I would never see you again. If you really do want to stay here…with me – with us, you need to know about…everything. Well, not everything, but things in there…you need to know them. And there’s some stuff about Sam and Alex in there. I tried to keep it kind of like a baby book, but I wasn’t very good at it. So, there’s not tons, but there’s some stuff in there, and it might be dumb, but it was kind of therapeutic to talk to you like that._

 

He blows out a nervous breath and opens the journal, but before he starts to read what Lexi’s written, a piece of paper flutters out, and it’s in Dean’s handwriting.

Sammy,

I’ve known Lex has been writing to you since you’ve been gone. I’ve never read this, not even now, but I’ve always known. I’m sure she says some pretty nasty stuff about you, but you have to know she didn’t mean it. Maybe she did at the time, but now… Now is different.

I want you to know she saved me. With you gone and without Lex, I would have died. It would have been in the bottom of a bottle, or it would have been a monster, or God only knows what else, but if Lex wouldn’t have been here, I’d be dead.

What you and Lex have… It’s real, and I have to leave to give you two a chance. Like I said, I’ll put some miles between myself and everything, and when I come back, we’ll figure this out. If you even want me to come back. If you’re mad at me, fine, but don’t take it out on Lex.  
She doesn’t deserve it.

I’m glad you’re back, brother. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me for what I did, hell, I don’t know if I can forgive myself, but I am sorry.

I love her, I really do. I would have loved her forever, and taken care of her. I would have done my dammedest to make her happy. I would have done everything keep her safe, and those boys – your sons. They’re yours, Sammy, but I’ve loved them, since day one, like they were mine.

They fight over this stupid frog, and Lex keeps saying she needs to get a second one. If she asks, she got it at the drug store next to the grocery store. It would make things easier if they each had their own. They like this book, it’s about some bear and a pig, I can’t remember the name, but they like it, and it’s their favorite. And when you change diapers, watch out, they’re quick, and they’ll pee all over you. Believe me, I’ve been there. You’ll be a good dad, Sammy. Better than anything I ever was.

I can’t make sense of what Gabriel said – that it was my destiny to be with Lex, when Cas said it was yours. Either way, I guess this was never supposed to be my life, and it was always supposed to be yours.

Gabriel said whatever the hell it is I’m supposed to do will keep Lex and those boys safe, and I have to do it, you know I do. I’ll be back as soon as I can, and you and Lex will have a life, and I’ll be your brother… IF you even want me to be.  
Take care of them. I know you will.

 -D.W.

-

Sam tucks the piece of paper in his pocket, wipes his eyes, and starts to read the part of his journal that’s in Lexi’s handwriting.

 

5.13.10  
You’re gone, and I don’t know how to save you. I’m so sorry.

-

5.14.10  
Dean’s at the liquor store. He doesn’t say much. He’s going to leave me too. I wish I could drink. I can’t feel you anymore. You’re really gone. I’d sell my soul to get to back, but I can’t. Crowley gets my soul in less than a year.

-

5.15.10  
Your daughter is going to come soon. At least I think she’s a girl. We had girls before… It’s just a guess. I wonder if Dean even told you I was pregnant. Probably not since you both thought I was dead. I think you know I’m pregnant though. I could feel you the night Lucifer came here.  
That was horrible.  
I prayed to Gabriel today.  
I thought since Cas was the one that saved you before, maybe I could get Gabriel to save you this time.  
He won’t answer me.  
You’re gone. Cas is gone. Bobby is gone.  
Dean and I are all that’re left. I don’t know what to do.

-

5.16.10  
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

-

5.17.10  
You should be here. We have two sons. Twins, Sam – TWINS! I don’t know what to do with boys… You’d know what to do with boys, but you’re not here.

 Samuel Robert Winchester  
Alexander Dean Winchester.

Dean suggested Alexander after my-Alex. I like it.

I’m not going to hell, Sam. My-Cas and Crowley came back from 2014 to bring me home. Somehow my-Crowley could sense the deal, and he took it away. I’m not going home. I decided to stay. I couldn’t leave Dean alone. I think it was the way he looked at Sam and Alex… I don’t know what it was, but Sam, he had hope in his eyes, and I couldn’t take that away from him. So, I’m staying.

You’re a dad, Sam. I’m so sorry you’re not here.  
I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I tried, I swear I did.  
My-Cas and Crowley brought back Bobby and this-Cas, but of course he’s human now, so he can’t save you. I still pray to Gabriel, even Balthazar, I don’t know any others, no one answers me anyway. I’m sorry. I love you so much. You’re supposed to be here.

-

5.27.10  
Maybe we can find God? Dean’s still got his amulet. Did you know he threw it away in my time? I’ve only ever read about it, but it was horrible, I’ll tell you someday. But maybe we can use it to find God, and God can save you? That bastard promised me. You asked me about God once, I’ll tell you about him someday too. I’m tired. Dean and the boys are asleep, I’m going to scream at Balthazar some more. He’ll get annoyed and answer my prayers at some point, right?  
You’re not gone. I’m going to save you. I don’t care how.

-

 5.28.10  
No one is answering me, Sam! No angels are listening to me!  
Cas wasn’t supposed to die! He’s not supposed to be fucking human! He was supposed to save you!

-

5.29.10  
Gabriel isn’t answering me. Balthazar isn’t answering me. Gadreel would help me, but he’s stuck in heaven. I don’t know what to do, but I swear I’ll figure it out. You’re NOT gone.

-

5.30.10  
I’ve poured over both of your dad’s journals, and I can’t find anything. This is so frustrating. You can’t be gone. This is not supposed to be how it happens.

-

6.2.10  
Dean woke me up in the middle of the night to show me that Sam and Alex were holding hands, and as a mom, I’m supposed to enjoy that. It’s supposed to make me smile, and it’s supposed to make me happy, but noooooo. I’ve spent the last three hours sobbing my eyes out, because you’re gone. I told you! I told you she was lying, and you didn’t listen to me! I told you she was going to come for you after Dean died, and you left anyway!  
You left me, Sam. I can’t save you.  
I can’t even write her name. It makes my stomach turn.

-

6.4.10  
I used to be so pissed at your dad for what he did to you and Dean – dragging your asses all over the country and putting your lives in danger, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I get it.  
If I didn’t have Sam and Alex, I would hunt down every son of a bitch out there if I knew it would save you, but it won’t.  
You’re gone. You’re just gone.

-

6.5.10  
How could you? Why would you believe her over me? How could you choose her over me?

-

6.10.10  
It’s been days. I know, I know, but I couldn’t even look at this journal without getting pissed at you. Why didn’t you listen to me? I told you she was lying. I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY YES!  
Dammit, Sam.  
I’m mad again. I can’t write.

-

6.22.10  
I’m sorry I yelled at you. I try not to be mad at you, but how could you do it? How could you leave me? How could you choose her? You said you loved me, and you promised you’d never leave me, but you did, Sam. You’re gone. You should have listened to me, but you didn’t.

-

6.30.10  
Dean’s been working at a garage for a few weeks now. His boss Dave seems like an alright guy, but Dean should not be working in a garage, and you should not be in hell.  
Last night I had a dream that I killed Lucifer, but when the blue angel light went away, it was you. I suppose that means I blame myself for where you are. Which is true, I do, but dammit, Sam, you should have listened to me. You should have listened to Dean. You should have fucking listened.

-

7.4.10  
Stupid Lawrence and their damn fireworks. The motel’s walls are like paper, and the fireworks are keeping the boys up.  
Happy Fucking Fourth of July.

-

7.10.10  
I’m sorry I’ve been mad at you. I remember being like this after my parents’ car accident. I was so mad at them for leaving that day, which was stupid because they were just going grocery shopping. I shouldn’t have been mad at them, I should have been mad at the other driver, but I wasn’t – I was mad at them. Just like I’m mad at you. I’m so sick of this nasty carpeting. I’m sick of this motel. I’m sick of smelling like spit-up and being peed on, and I know I shouldn’t be. Sam and Alex are all I have left of you. I shouldn’t be mad.  
But I am.  
I’m going to try not to be.  
I’m sorry.

-

7.11.10  
Dean got fired from the shop today. He didn’t tell me why. Stupid job. He’s not supposed to be a mechanic anyway. I guess the upside is Bobby has this hunting cabin that he said we can stay in for a while. I’ve heard about it, but I’ve never been there. Maybe it’ll be good for me and for all of us. Maybe I can leave all this anger in this shitty motel room and just start over.  
  
Something is happening, and I don’t really understand it.

-

7.12.10  
The cabin is nice. We’re all moved in. Bobby did a good job cleaning it up. He gave us all this stuff, and I think they used to be Karen’s things. The boys have their own bedroom. Bobby bought them a crib and a dresser and a changing table. There’s even a rocking chair which, oddly enough, is like the one you and I put in the nursery on our house.  
I miss you every day. I still pray to Balthazar and Gabriel.  
They still ignore me.

-

7.15.10  
I’ve been thinking about you and Jess a lot. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I have been. You loved her so much, and for the longest time you’d never talk to me about her, even though I practically begged you. When you finally told me about the life you had with her, your face lit up, and you sounded so happy. For a long time I was jealous of the way your face lit up, but then this one day I walked into Bobby’s living room, and you were talking to Dean about me. You made that same face. I knew you loved her, but you loved me too. How did you do that? How did you deal with loving me when you still loved her? Did it make you feel like crap? Did it make you feel like you were betraying her or her memory? I Googled her obituary once, she was beautiful. I’m sorry you lost her.  
I miss you.

-

7.20.10  
Sam and Alex are starting to smile. Not gas bubble smiles, like real smiles. It helps. They’re getting so big, and they look so much like you, a little bit like my dad, but mostly like you.

-

7.30.10  
Sometimes I get so sad, and just can’t stop crying. I sat in the shower and literally sobbed this morning. This is the third time I’ve lost you, and it’s the worst. Did I ever tell you about how we met? You had The Clap. Great first date, by the way. Dean was old, and it was my first real case. Bobby kept trying to tell me to go back to his house. I ignored him, of course. I don’t think you knew how old I was – how much younger than you I was, but you treated me like I belonged. You were nice to me. After you won Dean’s years back, you grabbed my hand, pulled me out of Patrick’s apartment building, pressed me up against the wall and kissed me. That was our beginning. It’s all over now isn’t it?

-

8.14.10  
Sam and Alex are FINALLY sleeping through the night. I think it was three nights ago. I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic and rushed in to check on them, assuming the worst, of course, but they were sound asleep. Finally. 

-

8.16.10  
Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. I jinxed it. They’re up, and they have no desire to sleep. Thought I’d let you know.

-

8.30.10  
Did I tell you that the fridge and stove in Bobby’s cabin are green? Like 1970’s guacamole green. Avocado green? Same thing, I guess.  
Can you tell I’m avoiding writing about what I should be writing about?  
You don’t want to know, but you’re the smartest man I’ve ever known.  
You know. I don’t have to tell you.

-

10.29.10  
I suck. I know. It’s been almost two months since I’ve written to you. I feel like I’m two people sometimes. I have to be happy. I can’t be sad all the time because Sam and Alex pick up on it, but I look at your journal, and I get so sad. I still think about you every day.

-

11.17.10  
Sam and Alex can sit up on their own. I can’t believe how big they are.  
It’s starting to get cold here, mostly at night.  
Dean hates the winter. He bitches all the time, and it’s not even technically winter yet.  
He’s been here a lot.  
That’s a lie.  
He lives here.  
With me.  
With us.  
He has this whole time.  
Please don’t hate me.  
I hate myself enough.

-

11.25.10  
We didn’t do anything for Thanksgiving. Bobby was Cas are on a hunt – yes, Cas hunts now. It’s weird. He drives my car, he has my last name – don’t ask. Other hunters think he’s my brother. It’s weird. But I guess he needed a last name, so Bobby gave him mine. He said he felt weird about giving Cas his last name. I don’t blame him. Hunters may raise an eyebrow there, since Bobby and Cas live together. It’s kind of funny when you think about it.

-

12.13.10  
Is it wrong that I think I’m getting better? This happened to be after my parents died, too. I woke up one day, and I wasn’t sad anymore. I’m tired of being sad, Sam.  
I miss you.

-

12.25.10  
I remember our first Christmas together. You asked me to marry you. In the backseat of the Impala. Hey, it was the best you could do. Better than in some nasty motel room. Those were so bad. I don’t miss them at all. You asked me to marry you on our second first Christmas, too.  
This life is so different.  
Bobby brought us a tree last week. Dean got scratched to hell trying to put it in the tree stand. It was funny. Dean bought us all ornaments with our names on them – he bought you one too. I wish you could see it.  
Bobby dressed up as Santa. Sam and Alex were not impressed. They wouldn’t go near him, and they usually love Bobby. They pull on his beard. His normal beard. They refused to even go near him in the white beard. He tried. It was cute. I should have taken a picture, but that’s what those crazy moms do, right? They take pictures of their screaming children with Santa. Yeah, I’m kind of glad I didn’t.  
Cas dressed up as an elf and for some reason, they loved him. They’ve always loved Cas. Did I ever tell you Cas can talk to them? Like, have actual conversations? Yeah, this is my life now. An angel talks to my boys and understands them better than I do.  
You didn’t miss much. Sam and Alex slept most of the day. I made Dean watch all the crappy Christmas shows. He liked them, but he wouldn’t admit it.

-

1.2.11  
My New Year’s Resolution was to be honest with you.  
I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, but I can’t.  
I’m sorry.

-

1.24.11  
It’s Dean’s birthday today. He misses you so much. He took the Impala out of storage (he keeps it at Bobby’s – protecting her from the cold, I guess) and he’s been driving around all day. It’s 7:41pm and he just texted me saying he’d be home later. You’re supposed to be here.

-

2.14.11  
Remember when Dean found that Mystery Spot case in Florida, and I wouldn’t let you two go? I’m glad I could save you from that. I just wish I could have saved you from everything else. I’m sorry.  
Dean got me flowers for Valentine’s Day. Bobby and Cas did too.  
Sam and Alex are starting to crawl. Teething too. The two bottom ones. It’s adorable – their little toothy grins. They’re happy their mobile, but cranky about everything else. They fight over this plastic frog. I wish I could remember where I got it so I could get another one. It would make things so much easier.

-

3.23.11  
I know it sounds like I’ve been sad this whole time, but I really haven’t been. God, that sounds bad. I have been sad, but I try to keep it all for in here, which sounds even worse, but I try not to let it consume me, you know? There’s been lots of good things, I just… I can’t tell you. I know it’s not fair, but you don’t want to know, even though I know if you were really reading this, you would know.  
Sometimes I like to think you’d be happy for me. Maybe you would be?  
Could I be happy for you?  
I ask myself that question almost every day, and I think I could be. I’d never want you to be alone, or sad. I hope you could be happy for me, because I sort of am happy. I am.

-

4.11.11  
I know I said my-Crowley cancelled the deal, but… I’ve got just a couple days left, and I know Crowley is going to come for me – I can feel it – but I have a plan, Sam. I know Dean’s going to want to do something this weekend for my birthday, and he’s going to want Bobby to watch the boys. (yes, Bobby and Cas babysit. Trust me, I know how weird that probably sounds to you)  
I called Bobby and asked him to take the boys, and told him to let Dean think it was his idea, so Dean doesn’t know. I don’t want them here in case this-Crowley doesn’t play fair. I’m hoping Dean won’t be here either. I don’t want him to see if it does go bad.  
I know you both hate him, but, he’s my friend, well, he will be. Maybe. Someday.  
I had Earl Litchfield (I don’t know if you knew him or not, he’s a guy my Uncle Mark used to hunt with) he went to Scotland to get Crowley’s human bones for me. I’m going to try to use them to keep Crowley off my ass and get Bobby his legs back.

It never ends, Sam.

-

4.17.11  
It worked, and apparently I still have some grace.  
Wonderful.

-

4.19.11  
I felt something today. I have no idea what it was. It wasn’t you, but I wanted it to be. God, I wanted it to be. That part of my soul, the one where I used to be able to feel you, I don’t think it’s there anymore. I’ve tried to feel you. I’ve sat for hours just trying. Sam, I think the bond is broken, because you’re gone. It hurts.

-

5.2.11  
It’s your birthday today.  
I miss you so much.

-

5.16.11  
I haven’t written about this, mostly because I keep imagining how I would feel if I knew you were with someone else, and even though I think I’d want you to be happy if you were here and I was gone, the thought still makes me want to die.

I know that’s not fair.

I also know this isn’t really you, because you’re gone, and I’m never getting you back – any version of you, but I still feel like I need to tell you. Everything. I need to be honest, because that’s the right thing to do.

God, where do I even start? Please, try not to be mad at me. Please.

Dean asked me to marry him tonight.

I said yes.

He loves me, and he loves Sam and Alex.  
Sam, I love him so much. I have this whole time, it just took me a while to figure it out.  
I’ve wanted to tell you every day because I’ve read all the old stuff I’ve written you, and it looks like I’ve been so sad, but I’ve only been sad in here. I miss you so much, and the thought of where you are makes me want to die, and I would do anything to save you, but I can’t, and I’m so sorry.

I’ve wanted to tell you every day about Dean, and how he saved me. I never wrote about it in here, but those first few days, I wanted to die. I tried to die. I didn’t get out of bed, I didn’t eat, and I could feel myself dying, and I was okay with it, but Dean wouldn’t let me. He saved me, and he saved your sons.

If I had to pinpoint the exact moment that it all happened, I don’t think I could. It just did. It was like once the boys came, we just banded together to do what we had to do. He was broken. I was broken, and we had Sam and Alex to take care of, and it just happened.

You have to know that it didn’t happen right away. It took months. I know that probably doesn’t help, and I’m sorry.

I don’t expect you to be happy for me, but if you could, just be happy for Dean. He’s your brother, and he loves you so much.

Dean told me once that it was okay with him if he was second best, and I got so mad at him, but I think really, I was mad at you. You chose her. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t good enough, or if I came at a time where I didn’t fit into your life, or if it was destiny for you to be with her, and destiny for all of this to happen, I don’t know what it was… You’re not supposed to be gone.

I told Dean that he wasn’t my second choice, because how could I be with you after what you did to me?  
I would do anything to make you safe, and I forgive you for what you did, but it still hurts every day. I forgive you.  
I’m not mad.  
Not anymore.  

I’m not sorry that I’m with Dean, because I’m not, but I am sorry that I didn’t tell you, or write it down. It’s lying, and I’m sorry.

I promise I’ll write about Sam and Alex as much as I can, but I have to let you go.

There’s a part of me that will love you – this-you and future-you – forever, but I have to let you go.  
I still pray to God and Gabriel and Balthazar, and I will every day, I swear I will.  
I miss you.

-

5.17.11  
Sam and Alex are one today. They look just like you.

-

6.12.11  
I know I said I wasn’t going to write to you, but I just got out of the hospital.  
I was pregnant.  
Not anymore.  
I lost the baby, Sam. I feel like I’m dying. I needed to tell you. I’m sorry.  
I know you don’t want to know.  
Dean is so devastated. Of course, he tries to put a strong face on – you know the one – but he’s heartbroken.  
It feels like I’m dying for the millionth time.

-

6.14.11  
I know I said I wouldn’t, but I want to write to you, only I can’t.  
I’m sorry.  
I don’t know what I’m going to do with this journal.  
I can’t look at it anymore, but I can’t get rid of it.  
I miss you every day.  
Spring rolls.

-

9.25.11  
You’re here.  
You’re fifteen feet away from me, just on the other side of my bedroom wall.  
You’re here. Dean’s gone.  
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  
What did I do?

-

9.26.11

I can feel you. How is this possible?  
I can’t breathe, Sam.  
My heart. It feels like it’s literally split in two.  
I guess it is.  
I can feel what you’re feeling, and I wish I couldn’t. I wish I couldn’t even feel what I’m feeling.  
Oh, God. You know. You know everything. I know you do. I can feel you do.  
How did you do it? How did you love me when you still loved Jess?  
How can a person love two people at the same time?  
How can I?  
I need to go outside. I can’t breathe.  
It hurts, but is it me that hurts, or is it you?  
It’s both.  
He’s gone, and I know you know I love him. I love him so much. We were going to get married, and have more kids, we were going to buy a bigger house, and I wanted to start teaching piano lessons again.  
And now you’re here…  
Sam, you’re actually here.  
I can feel you.

-

Sam’s hands have been shaking since he opened his journal. Lexi warned him what was going to be in here – that some of it wasn’t going to be nice, but he didn’t expect this. Not this.

He lets the journal fall from his hands and to the ground, so he can run his fingers through his hair, but that’s not enough – his fists come down hard on the cold wooden log below him. That doesn’t help either.

Sam knows he shouldn’t be mad; he known this whole time that Lexi and Dean were together, and he’s guessed what that meant – he knows his brother’s never been a monk. But reading it? Hearing Lexi’s written thoughts in his head? It’s too much.

He pushes himself up off the log, and starts to pace, but the second his feet start to move, he knows Lexi’s behind him.

“Sam, maybe I shouldn’t --”

“Don’t,” he grits through his teeth, then sighs and shakes his head. “Please,” his voice is as normal as he can get it. “Just don’t, okay? You asked me not to read this in front of you, and I didn’t. Can you… Don’t be here right now. Please, go back inside.”

Lexi dumbly nods her head and whispers, “Um, the boys are asleep. I’ll go to Jody’s for a couple hours. I-I’ll come back later.”

“Fine.”

He watches Lexi turn around and walk back in the cabin.

Sam wonders if have a right to be mad? Who is he mad at? Lexi? Dean? No, he’s mad at himself.

All the things Lexi wrote in her last entry, Sam would want Lexi to have all those things; he’d want her to be happy, and safe, and if anyone in the world could have kept Lexi safe and his sons safe, it would have been Dean. Sam knows this.

A minute later, he can hear the front door of the cabin close.

Sam tries to slow his breathing and his mind down. He just needs to breathe; he just needs to think. He doesn’t want to yell, or be mad, he just needs to think.

Thirty seconds after that, he hears the engine of the Scottsdale turn over and the sound of the tires driving over the dirt of the driveway, but he doesn’t feel better; he feels worse.

“Wait,” he whispers to himself and the emptiness around and inside him, wishing he could take the last three minutes back. He doesn’t have to think, because he _knows_ what he wants; he knows what he’s _always_ wanted, and nothing Lexi wrote in his journal – none of it matters.

As fast as he can he sprints around the side of the cabin to the front, and he can see the truck’s red tail lights at the end of the driveway. Not knowing if the bond is as strong as it once was, he closes his eyes, uses the bond to _feel_ Lexi, and when he can, he pleads in his mind, _Wait. Please, just wait._


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last we saw, Lexi gave Sam his journal which she used to write to him when he was 'gone.' Reacting like _anybody_ would, Sam has some pretty intense feelings when he reads the entries Lexi wrote about her and Dean's life together. Needing space to think and feel, Sam asks Lexi to let him be alone, and she offers to go to Jody's for a couple hours. 
> 
> Sam hears Lexi leave the cabin. He hears the engine of her truck turn over, and it's then that Sam realizes he made a mistake. He doesn't want her to go because he loves her, and there's _nothing_ she could have written in his journal that could ever change that. Using the bond that has tied their souls together, Sam tries to reach out to her with his mind. He begs her to wait and to come back, but they've been apart too long, and the bond isn't as strong as it once was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _The Force Theme_ can be listened to [HERE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcZ9kQ1h-ZY)  
>  This line of music is heard in all the episodes of Star Wars, but the most memorable scene – in my opinion – is in _A New Hope_ , when Luke Skywalker is standing outside his aunt and uncle’s home staring out at the twin suns of Tatooine.

“Wait,” Sam whispers to himself and the emptiness around and inside him, wishing he could take back the last three minutes. He doesn’t need time to think, because he _knows_ what he wants; he knows what he’s _always_ wanted, and nothing Lexi wrote in his journal – none of it matters.

As fast as he can, Sam sprints around the side of the cabin to the front, and he can see the Scottsdale’s red tail lights at the end of the driveway. Not knowing if the bond is as strong as it once was, Sam closes his eyes and uses the bond to _feel_ Lexi. When he can, he pleads in his mind, _Wait. Please, just wait._

Sam holds his breath, his heart races in his chest, the breeze blows through the air, cold on his nose and fingers, and Lexi’s truck turns the corner. Sam can hear it accelerate onto the highway.

Lexi doesn’t wait.

But Sam does. He waits, and he listens to the Scottsdale’s engine until he can’t hear it anymore, then he listens for another minute. Sam’s still trying to _feel_ his way through the bond, this time _knowing_ it’s not as strong as it once was, but he can’t. Lexi’s too far away.

With slightly slumped shoulders, Sam makes his way back around the cabin to the fire pit. After a while of just staring and thinking about everything and nothing, he picks up his journal from the ground, wipes off the dirt, and tucks it under his arm. Using the toe of his boot, he kicks over the sticks and kindling inside the fire pit until the coals glow a fiery, orange-red, and for minute Sam’s transfixed by the sight; he can’t take his eyes away from them. A flash of a place he doesn’t really remember, but forces himself _never_ to think about, ignites behind his eyes. Just as a horrifying burst of evil laughter screams in his ears, the sound of either little Sam or Alex crying pushes past the maniacal cackling, and the fiery, orange-red glow behind his eyes is gone.

Without a second thought, Sam rushes in the house, kicks his shoes off at the back door, tosses the journal on the kitchen countertop, and goes into the nursery. Little Sam is asleep, curled up around himself, whereas Alex is standing at the railing of the crib with alligator tears pouring down his cheeks and whimpering softly.

“Hey, buddy,” Sam coos softly, scooping Alex up into his arms and sitting down in the rocking chair. He wipes the tears and boogers away from Alex’s face with a little towel Lexi left hanging over the arm rest of the rocking chair and gently rubs Alex’s back. “What’s wrong?”

Alex gives Sam another pouty noise while he fists his eyes sleepily. “Daddy go buh-bye.”

Something inside Sam, something he didn’t even know he had, cracks just a little bit. He knows Alex means Dean. Little Sam and Alex know _Dean_ as ‘daddy.’

Just then, like he’s worrying about Dean too, little Sam wakes up in the crib. He starts to whimper with his little arms outstretched to Sam, begging him to pick him up and hold him. Something grabs inside Sam’s chest, in that same place he didn’t even know he had, and after lifting little Sam out of the crib, Sam holds both his sons against his chest.

“He went buh-bye just for a little while, but he’ll come back,” he gently promises them, rocking the chair back and forth with his feet on the floor. “He’ll come back. Dean always does.”

Little Sam and Alex fuss for a little while longer, and Sam makes this gentle _shhhh_ ing sound that seems to be instinct to him. The quiet sound seems to calm the boys down, and they curl up next to each other, resting their heads on either side of Sam’s chest and sleepily yawn.

“Sam sing?” Alex asks in a tiny voice that makes Sam’s throat feel tight. “P’weeze?”

He carefully runs his hand over Alex’s forehead to wipe the hair out of his eyes and kisses the top of little Sam’s head. “You two want _me_ to sing?”

Alex doesn’t answer, he only rubs his face into Sam’s shirt, snuggling closer.

Sam’s been listening to music in the Impala since he was born, but can he think of even _one_ lullaby or even _one_ kids’ song? Nope. So, he hums _The Force Theme_ from _Star Wars_ and watches his two sons drift off to sleep.

After losing count of how many times he’s hummed his way through the song, Sam knows both of his boys are sound asleep: they feel heavy against his chest, they occasionally make sucking noises with their mouths, and they breathe heavy and slow, but he doesn’t put them back into their crib. Having his sons asleep in his arms is one the best feelings he’s ever experienced in his life, so Sam sits in the chair, rocking it back and forth, for at least another hour.

Sam’s huge, rough hands make gentle touches when they lift little Sam and Alex’s hands to look at their tiny little fingernails and the chubby little palms of their hands. Their dark brown hair is silky and baby-fine under the tips of Sam’s fingers, and their skin is warm and soft when he touches each of their brows and cheeks. He just stares at them in the dim-orange glow that comes off the baby monitor, and this feeling just washes over him: good and warm and pure, and something he couldn’t even describe if he wanted to.

“I love you,” he whispers to them in a voice that cracks. Sam knows the sleeping little boys don’t hear him, but if there is one thing in this world that makes sense to him more than anything else, it would be that he loves his sons. He doesn’t question it, and there’s no reason to.

Finally, when his two little boys start to make Sam sweat, and he sees that the hairs around their face and neck curl from the dampness as well, he carefully lays Sam and Alex back into their crib. They squirm and wiggle until they find their places next to each other, just like Sam’s noticed they always do, but they fall back to sleep after just a few seconds. Before leaving the nursery, Sam watches them, leaning against the door frame for just a minute more.

Carefully closing the nursery door behind himself, Sam goes back into the kitchen. It’s empty and quiet, just the sound of the wind blowing outside and the refrigerator humming across the room. After breathing out a heavy sigh, disappointed in himself for not controlling his emotions, in an all-too-familiar fashion, he digs his phone out his pocket, the tips of his fingers ghost over the numbers that would dial Lexi’s phone, but he doesn’t call her. God, does he want to, but he puts his phone back in his pocket and blows out another heavy sigh.

Trying to shake away the hollow feeling in his chest away, Sam digs in the kitchen cupboards and finds coffee cup that says ‘World’s Best Mommy’ and a box of tea. After heating a kettle of water on the stove, Sam sets a bag of gunpowder green tea in his cup, and looks over at his journal sitting on the counter.

Repeatedly dunking his tea bag in and out of the cup, more times than he really needs to, Sam stares at the journal with Lexi’s words running through his mind. Finally, he grabs the dark brown journal and takes it to the kitchen table with his tea. There’s a pen resting between the pages, and Sam sits down and begins to write.

9.27.11  
Lexi,  
The first time I can actually remember asking Dean why we didn’t have a mom, I think I was about four years old, so that would have made Dean about eight. I remember Dean told me that the angels took our mom to Heaven, but she was always still watching over us.

When I got older, the lie must have gotten harder for him to tell, because every time I asked, Dean always answered with ‘stop asking questions,’ but I knew. I knew we didn’t have a mom because our mom was dead. I knew that she died in a fire. I knew the only things I had in the world were my dad and Dean. Lexi, I could have had everything in the world, but not having my mom, is one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt in my life.

Growing up without my mom, never knowing her, never seeing her, never having a single memory of the way she smelled, felt, smiled or sounded… I’ve always felt like I was missing something. I’m twenty-eight years old, and I don’t think it’ll ever go away.

I know, at some point, your-Sam must have told you about this. I imagine your-Sam told you everything. What I’m trying to say is, I’m glad Dean was here with all of you. I’m glad you had him, and I’m glad Sam and Alex had him. I’d never want them to feel the things that I do, or know what it’s like to be missing a parent. I know that Dean loves Sam and Alex, and I know he took care of them like they were his own. I know this because he did those same things for me – he always has.

I know I lost it tonight, and I know I keep apologizing to you, but I’m so sorry. I know it took a lot of courage on your part to show that side of yourself to me, to be honest, and to let me in, but there’s nothing you could have written down in this journal that would change the way I feel about you. They way I’ve always felt about you.

I know this whole time you did the best you could, and you did amazing. You’re doing the best you can, and I can’t think of words to describe how amazing you are at being a mom.

I’m not mad, and I’m not leaving. I know I’ve made this promise to you so many times before, but this time, I’m not leaving. Not unless you ask me to, but honestly, even then… I’m not giving up, and I’ll fight to give you whatever it is that you want. _Whatever_ it is.

I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I will show you how much you mean to me, how much Sam and Alex mean to me, and how much I do love you.

Please come home.  
     -Sam

As soon as Sam closes his journal and takes a drink of his now-cold tea, there’s a knock at the door. Instinctively, Sam reaches around to the back of his jeans, but there’s no gun there.

“Sam? It’s Bobby. You still awake?”

Sam opens the door and holds it open so Bobby can come inside. “Hey, Bobby.” Sam checks his watch, and it’s after midnight. “Everything alright?”

“Jody called me, and said Lexi went over to her place.” Bobby says as he takes off his jacket, hangs it on the hook by the door, and sits down at the table.

Sam follows him. “Uh, yeah. We… _I_ kind of --”

Bobby opens his mouth to say something, but he’s distracted by the journal on the table. “Lexi gave you this?” He nudges the journal toward Sam.

“Yeah, earlier today. She said she wrote to me when I was… _gone_.”

“She did. I’m just surprised she gave it to you _now_.”

Sam’s eyebrows crease together. “You knew about the journal? That she wrote to me?”

“Who do you think’s the one who told her to write in there in the first place? Me and that Lexi, we got a few things in common.” Bobby gives Sam a half-smile. “She didn’t have anybody after you were gone. Sure, she had Dean, but I think she needed someone _outside_ the situation to talk to. Lexi didn’t have any friends or family, she didn’t even have Jody until a few months ago, so she talked to me. Even after she got to know _this-_ me, and we talked just about every day, there were still things that she just couldn’t talk about, so I suggested that she write it down.” Bobby taps his finger on the journal’s cover. “This is it. This is her heart, and this is every ounce of pain and grief that girl’s ever felt. It may not be articulate, and it might be covered up with anger and maybe even a little desperation with a little bit of the typical-Winchester-self-loathing, but this is where she let herself _feel._ She may have been happier than she probably thought she ever deserved to be with Dean, but the things that she couldn’t tell me, or Dean, or show the world… Sam, she wrote them to you.”

Sam takes his journal in his hands and runs his finger along the spine. “Lexi wrote in the journal to work through her grief. Some of the entries are months apart…”

“That might be part of it, sure, but Lexi wrote in there because it kept a part of you close to her. She didn’t have a grave to visit, or a headstone to leave flowers by, all she had was this life, a bunch of plaid shirts, and _that_ book… To her, that book was _you_. She tried to let you go, she tried not to write to you, but she couldn’t, and you know it’s true because you’re holding on to it right now.”

“But Bobby, there are things in here…things that… Bobby, they lost a baby?” Sam’s voice cracks at the mere thought. He’s only known his sons for days, but the thought of something happening to them… Sam can’t even imagine.

A solemn look makes its way onto Bobby’s face. “You’ll have to talk to Lexi about that, but if she wrote it in there, in her mind, she was telling you; she was looking for whatever comfort she could, from _you_. She loved Dean in every way humanly possible, and I’m not sayin’ that she didn’t, but --”

“ _Loves_ ,” Sam corrects Bobby. “Lexi still _loves_ Dean.” _I can feel it._

“As true as that is…” Bobby lets his words trail off while he thinks of the right way to make his point. “I love Karen with all my heart. I love her with everything I have, and I will until the day I die. And then there’s Jody… That woman makes me feel things in my guts that I haven’t felt in years. I know I’d be one lucky bastard to spend the rest of the days I got left in me with Jody, and I’d love her with _everything_ I have, every single day. Just because someone else comes along and makes you feel alive again, don’t mean your love ever really goes away. Jody’s not second best, and my love for Karen will _never_ go away. You get what I’m sayin’, son?”

Sam’s mind absorbs Bobby’s words, and he also remembers Lexi’s words in the journal. _How did you deal with loving me when you still loved Jess? Did it make you feel like crap? Did it make you feel like you were betraying her or her memory?_ “Yeah, I get what you’re sayin’, Bobby.” _Or at least I’m starting to._

“Good. Okay, now why I _actually_ came here. So, Jody called me a little while ago to tell me that Lexi was up at her house, acting a little _strange_.”

“I read the journal, and I started to get… There’s a lot of stuff in here, and I didn’t want her to see, so I told her to --”

“No.” Bobby shakes his head. “Not _that kind_ of strange. As soon as Jody called me, I drove out there, and Lexi was in this sort of… _trance_ , like an angel-mojo vision, or something.” Sam jumps up from his chair and heads for the door. Bobby chases after him. “Lexi’s fine; she _told me_ she was fine. She said that ‘she needed to see so she could write it down’. I don’t know what that means, but I checked her out as best as I could – as best as she would _let me_ , and then…”

“And then _what_?!” Sam tries to keep his voice normal and not shout at Bobby as he quickly shrugs on his jacket.

“Well, Lexi…she got a bloody nose. When Jody and I tried to help her clean up, the glass in all the pictures blew out, along with all the light bulbs, and she told us to go away. She practically pushed us out the door.”

“She _pushed_ you?”

“Well, more like her angel-mojo pushed us, but yeah. Then she asked me to get you, so I left her at Jody’s and came here to sit with the boys so you could go be with her.”

Sam remembers Lexi’s grace spider-webbing the windshield of the Cavalier, and he remembers her bloody nose and tears from the day he left her in that motel to go with Ruby. “Why didn’t you say something before?”

“She said she was alright, that she just needed to be left alone, and that she just needed to write down what she was seeing. I figured if I did just _that_ – left her alone, like she asked, the angel-mojo would just run its course. Sam, if I’ve learned anything about Lexi, it would be that she knows what she needs to do, and she _just_ _does_ _it_. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does.”

“I know that!” Sam barks and marches toward the door. He’s well aware of the sacrifices Lexi will make and the ones she _has_ made.

“However…” Bobby steps in front of Sam, his eyes stern. Bobby’s determined to make Sam listen to what he has to say. “I _also_ know that those boys are more important to Lexi than anything in this world, and she would _never_ put herself into harm’s way if she knew it would take her away from them.” Bobby hands Sam his truck keys. “I trust her, Sam because she’s _always_ trusted me one-hundred-percent. So now _you_ have to trust her too.”

For a split-second, Sam almost gets mad. For a spit-second he thinks, _I do trust her,_ but then he realizes that’s not always been the case. Way back, back when Dean was in hell, if Sam would have just _trusted_ Lexi, and not let Ruby spew her filth and lies, so many things could have been avoided – probably everything. Sam knows he can’t change the past, but he _can_ learn from his mistakes. This is how he’ll start to prove himself trust-worthy, hell, just plain _worthy_ to Lexi. He’ll start with something he should have done a long time ago: Sam’s going to _trust_ Lexi.

Firm in his decision, Sam takes a deep breath and nods his head while taking Bobby’s keys. Before he turns to leave, he takes a look over his shoulder at little Sam and Alex’s nursery. “Bobby, are they safe here? In _this_ house?”

“I built it,” Bobby answers with a proud smile on his face. “Any weak spots this place may have had, are now reinforced by iron railroad ties. This cabin is safe. I’ll stay here with the rugrats. You help Lexi and bring her home.”

Sam’s hand rests on the brass doorknob, but as an afterthought, he takes the key off the hook on the wall and walks over to the gun cabinet. Once he takes his gun out, the gun he hasn’t touched in months, he checks the clip, flips the safety off, then back on, and he puts the gun in the back of his jeans.

Bobby doesn’t say a word as he watches Sam do this. Bobby knows Sam, and he knows Sam not having a gun on him makes him feel like he’s unprotected, like he’s not ready for the next ‘end of the world’ that’s always threatening to come out of the shadows and brutally rip everything that means anything away from him. Hunters carry guns on them at all times, even if they’re not hunting. Hunters hunt because someone or something important needs protecting, and Bobby knows Sam tucks that gun in the back of his jeans because he’s protecting one of the most important things to him in this world: his family.

-

After what would typically be at least an hour drive from Lexi’s cabin to Jody’s house, forty-five minutes later, Sam parks Bobby’s truck behind Lexi’s Scottsdale. He quickly jogs up Jody’s sidewalk, and he doesn’t even have to knock on the door because Jody’s already standing there waiting for him.

“She’s upstairs,” Jody tells Sam in a slightly shaky voice once he walks into her home. “I tried to go inside the room, but the door slammed in my face, and…I didn’t… Sam, she didn’t _move_ from where she was sitting. The door just _closed._ ”

Sam casts a glance up the stairs, knowing that somehow the little bit of grace Lexi has left found a way to take over. He can tell Jody is scared, but she’s doing a very good job at hiding it. “Do you know about all this? About Lexi?”

Jody nods her head. “Bobby said something about angel grace… Is she gonna be okay?”

“I’m gonna go check on her. Why don’t you call Bobby and tell him I made it here, alright? Check on Sam and Alex for me?”

“Yeah.” She pulls her phone out of her pocket. “I can do that.”

Sam goes upstairs, and it’s dark. Bobby said Lexi blew out all the lightbulbs, and glass crunches under his boots with every step he takes. Still, there’s a dim light that comes through under one of the doors, and Sam assumes that’s where Lexi is. As he stands outside the door, the first thing he _feels_ is that Lexi feels rushed, like she can’t do whatever she’s trying to do fast enough.

He knocks on the door. “Lexi?”

“Sam, I have to write.” It’s Lexi’s voice, but she sounds almost dazed. Bobby did say she was in some sort of trance.

“Can I come in?”

“No talking,” she says in that same far-away voice.

Sam takes that as a ‘yes, he can come inside, as long as he doesn’t talk,’ so he opens the door and walks inside Jody’s bedroom. What he sees, he is _not_ prepared for: Lexi’s kneeling in the middle of the room, and just like she said, she’s writing, rapidly filling the pages in front of her. There are dozens upon _dozens_ of pieces of paper scattered around the room, and Lexi is adding more pages to the piles as he watches her.

“Lexi?” He softly calls out her name, suddenly wondering if this is really _just_ her right now. Her grace was supposed to be all but gone, with only trace amounts left behind. This is… This is _something else._

“Shhhh.” A chair in the corner of Jody’s bedroom, slides out from the wall a couple inches so it’s next to Sam.

With his mouth open and his eyes wide, Sam’s voice is full of shock when he asks, “Did you do that?”

“Shhhh.” She repeats.

Cautiously, Sam sits down in the chair, and for a minute, he just watches Lexi. She’s kneeling on the floor, bent over a piece of paper, but her eyes, they blankly stare up at the ceiling without really looking at anything, all while her hand scribbles furiously onto the paper. Sam can see that it’s mostly words, but occasionally she stops and draws a symbol of some sort. Curious, he bends down and picks up a piece of paper closest to his feet.

“No.” Lexi’s eyes don’t leave the ceiling.

Sam lets his piece of paper flutter back to the floor. “Why can’t I read them?”

“Shhhh.”

Another moment passes by, and not once does Lexi move in her spot on the floor. She sits the same, she stares the same – eyes blank and vacant – everything stays the same, except for Lexi’s hand and the amount of papers covering the floor.

“Lexi,” Sam says her name very carefully, needing to know what’s going on. “What are you writing?”

“All the secrets,” she answers quickly, but her eyes don’t flicker away from whatever she’s looking at up on the ceiling.

“ _Secrets_?”

“They are the preceptors, the beholders, and the chroniclers of all that man does not understand.”

“Who are?”

“The men.”

“What? What _men_?”

“Someone is making me see the men and where they keep all their secrets, and I have to write it down.”

“Someone is _making_ you see?”

“Like a dream, like before, but I’m awake, and it just keeps going. Shhh. I have to write, and it’s so fast.” Lexi’s hand works furiously over her piece of paper.  

Once again, Sam tries to crane his neck so he can see what Lexi’s writing. Suddenly, her dazed and glassy eyes quickly dart away from the ceiling and lock with his, glaring at him. For a brief second, they glow a metallic-blue that he hasn’t seen in a _very_ long time.

“I said, _no_.” Lexi all but growls at him, and Sam feels a jolt come strong through their bond. He flinches, then Lexi’s eyes stop glowing, and she pauses for a half-second to look at Sam. After that, like nothing ever happened, her eyes glaze back over and go back up to stare at the nothing on the ceiling.  

After Lexi’s eyes look back up to the ceiling, Sam sits in his chair, stunned. Ever since they did the soul bonding ritual, jolts have come and gone between the two of them, but nothing like what Sam just felt. The jolt hurt; it _stung_ , like a warning from Lexi to Sam to stay back, and he knows not to look again. He couldn’t even explain what he just felt if he tried. Sam remembers Lexi’s eyes changing from ocean-blue to a glowy, metallic-blue when her grace would take over, but Sam now knows that _this_ is something else; this isn’t _all_ Lexi. Like she said, _someone is making her see._

“Sam?” Lexi’s far-away voice is back, but her eyes don’t look at him.

Sam focuses. “I’m right here. What do you need?”

“I’m okay,” Lexi says plainly.

Sam looks around the room and watches Lexi’s eyes continue to stare. It’s then that he realizes she’s not blinked this whole time. “Are you?”

“Yes. I’m okay, so please don’t worry about the blood.”

His heart stops. “The blood?!”

Just like Bobby said happened before, seconds after she asks Sam not to worry about the blood, Lexi’s nose starts to bleed. Blood trickles from her nose down her lips, and neck, and some drops onto her clothing and spatters down onto the papers in front of her. Sam flies up out of his chair and kneels on the floor next to Lexi. He yanks a bandana from his pocket, and without asking, he carefully wipes at her nose, lips, and chin. Bobby said that she wouldn’t let him or Jody clean her up before, but she seems to not mind if Sam does it. Once as much of the blood that can be cleaned up with a bandana is wiped away from her face, Sam moves aside a pile of papers and sits next to Lexi so he can hold the bandana to her dripping nose.

For the longest time, Lexi never stops writing or staring. She never flinches, and she still never blinks.

“Does it hurt?” Sam whispers, holding the bandana to Lexi’s nose and tucking her hair behind her ear. He remembers that his visions were painful, even though they usually just lasted a few seconds, but Lexi’s has been going on for over an hour. He can _feel_ that something is hurting her, he just doesn’t know what.

“Yes,” Lexi’s voice answers him softly, but Sam can _hear_ the pain. “But I’m almost done. I _have_ to finish. I’ll be alright.”

Lexi fills up five more sheets of paper, and Sam has no idea where the paper keeps coming from.

“Sam?”

“I’m still right here.”

“You know what’s going to happen when the vision is done, right?”

“What’s going to happen?”

“Superior, Wisconsin. The vampires.”

“You’ll be unconscious and weak.” Sam swallows. “I remember.”

“Will you be with me?” Sam watches Lexi’s eyes stare at the ceiling, but a tear falls down her cheek, and her bottom lip quivers just a little bit. “Will you stay?”

 “I’ll stay,” he promises, “I won’t leave.”

A painful minute of silence passes where all Sam can hear is his and Lexi’s combined breathing and the pen scratching on the paper. It’s just a tiny whisper from Lexi, but it’s there. “I want to trust you.”

“I know you do.” Sam wipes the wetness away from below her dazed and emotionless eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“When I wake up, I’ll be okay.”

“I know you will. I trust you,” he whispers to her and would swear on just about anything that he can _feel_ Lexi smile.

For another twenty minutes, Sam sits next to Lexi on the floor, panicking on the inside, but his brain and his heart tell him to stick to his word and _trust_ Lexi. He just watches her scribble on the paper, but never reading what she writes. Lexi’s nose has finally stopped bleeding, but Sam stays close to her, rubbing his hand up and down her hunched back. Lexi doesn’t seem to mind. This whole time Sam’s been able to _feel_ that she’s felt rushed and desperate to finish, afraid she won’t be able to keep up, but in just a second, all that changes to a level of panic that goes way beyond his own.

“Lexi?” Sam pushes himself up on his knees so he’s even closer to her. “What’s wrong?!” It’s bad, he can _feel_ it.

Lexi screams, “I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS!!” She throws her pen across the room so hard that it breaks into pieces when it bounces off the wall, and she shoves her pile of paper away, scurrying away from her place on the floor. Sam follows her. “NO! STOP! I can’t see this again!” Lexi’s eyes still stare dazed and emotionless up at the ceiling, but she paws blindly at Sam, pleading to him, “Make it stop, Sam! I can’t see this! Not again!”

Not knowing what to do, Sam pulls Lexi into his lap and wraps his arms around her in a vain attempt to use himself to block out whatever is being forced to play in her head. He can’t see what she’s seeing, he can, however, _feel_ her panic and agony, but it’s the grief that barrels through the bond, from Lexi to him, which makes everything inside Sam ache. It feels like everything he’s ever loved is dying at all once.

“How do I make it stop?” Sam whispers in her ear even though he already somehow knows there’s no way to stop it.

“Can’t.” Lexi manages to get out between sobs. She’s covering her eyes with her hands and burying her face into Sam’s chest to try to block out the vision. “He’s making me see! I have to see all of it!”

“Who?” Sam tries to hold Lexi closer, but she keeps thrashing, trying to get away from her own mind. “Lexi, _who_ is making you see?”

And then all at once, Lexi goes quiet, and her body goes still. The vision has stopped, and Sam can _feel_ she’s no longer in pain – he feels _nothing._

“Lexi?” Sam shakes her just a little bit, and when she doesn’t move, he feels for her pulse. It’s weak under his fingers, but it’s there. He can feel her breath when he puts his hand under her nose. It’s slow and very shallow, but it’s there.

Sitting in the middle of the floor with Lexi in his lap, Sam uses the cuff of his sleeve to wipe the beads of sweat that form on her brow, upper lip, and neck. He doesn’t move for what feels like a very long time. He knows – remembers from before – that she’s not going to wake up until at least tomorrow, but he still doesn’t move.

 _Do what you promised_ , Sam tells himself. _Trust her. Lexi said she would be okay. Trust her._

Later, when Sam’s phone vibrates in his pocket, he finally tears his eyes away from Lexi’s sweaty and pale face to look at the screen. It’s a text message from Bobby, and he wants to know how Lexi is doing. Sam sends him a quick reply saying that everything is over, then shoves his phone back in his pocket. When he finally looks up from Lexi and around the room, he sees all the papers that were scattered across the floor are in a neat stack in the middle of the room, with Lexi’s pen, intact, and resting on top of them.

*//*

Driving her squad car, Jody is leading the two vehicle caravan back to Lexi’s cabin, Sam with a still-unconscious Lexi in the Scottsdale behind her. During the long and silent drive, Jody replays everything over in her mind.

Lexi stared up at the ceiling and talked to Bobby like everything was just fine, but then she got that bloody nose. Bobby tried to help her, and something just _happened_. A force shoved Jody and Bobby out of the room, and Bobby told Jody all kinds of things that she didn’t understand. He said that Lexi had a part from an angel inside of her, a part of the Castiel from Lexi’s time, that helped her travel through time, and that was what was giving Lexi her _vision._ Jody’s brain understood the words, but none of it made any sense, so she just trusted Bobby when he assured her that Lexi would be okay. Then Sam got to the house, almost immediately went right upstairs, and he was up there for so long. Jody paced her house for what felt like years, and then Lexi started screaming. Every light bulb that was left intact started flickering, then everything fell still.

Sam didn’t say a word when he carried Lexi’s too-still body down the stairs, her face smudged in places with dried blood, streaking from the beads of sweat that rolled off her brow and neck. Jody just watched Sam carry Lexi out to the truck, carefully placing her onto the seat, and without being asked to, Jody jumped in her squad car and led the way back to Lexi’s cabin. Sam didn’t tailgate her or try to drive up ahead, there was no rush. She just drove the speed limit, and Sam just followed.

Jody has no idea what just happened in her house, but she keeps both hands on the wheel and watches the road.

Bobby meets them all outside when they all pull up to Lexi’s cabin, and both he and Jody watch Sam, carefully, like he’s holding glass, lift Lexi out of the truck and bring her into the house. Jody rushes ahead of Sam to open Lexi’s bedroom door, and she watches Sam lie Lexi down on her bed. They all see she her face is covered in blood; it’s dried around her nose, under her chin and down her neck.

Bobby leaves for a second and comes back with a bowl of warm water and a handful of wash cloths. Jody takes them from Bobby’s hands, giving the top of his hand a gentle touch as she does it. “Why don’t you fellas go check on the boys and find yourselves a beer. I’ll get Lexi cleaned up and into some fresh clothes, so she’s a little more comfortable.”

The look on Sam’s face tells her that he’s very reluctant to leave Lexi’s side, so Jody gives him a half-smile, rubs his arm gently, and walks toward the door of room. “She’ll be alright. Go check on those boys, okay?”

Before Sam leaves the bedroom, he walks back up to Lexi’s side and tucks a piece of sweaty hair behind her ear. Jody sees him bend down to whisper something in Lexi’s ear, “I’ll be right outside. I’m not leaving.”

Jody knows she’s not supposed to hear it, but she does, and she wishes things didn’t have to be so hard.

After kissing Lexi’s forehead, Sam turns to Jody. “Thanks for being here for her tonight.”

She smiles up at him. “Don’t mention it.”

After getting the biggest version of puppy-dog eyes she’s ever seen, Jody closes the door behind Sam and walks over to Lexi. She sits down on the bed, dips the washcloth in the bowl of warm water, and starts to wipe the blood away from Lexi’s face.

“You are the craziest friend I’ve ever had, you know that?” Jody speaks softly as she cleans away the blood. “When you wake up, you and me are going to have to have one _hell_ of a conversation, because I watched you close a door without even touching it. Also, where the hell did you get all that paper? ‘Cause I didn’t bring it to you, and I _know_ I didn’t have it in my bedroom.”

Of course, Lexi doesn’t answer, but Jody doesn’t mind, she just keeps dabbing away bits of dried blood until it’s all gone. Setting the bowl of pink-stained water aside, she takes the brush off of the little table next to Lexi’s bed and very gently brushes out Lexi’s hair and twists it into a familiar braid. Once she’s finished with Lexi’s hair, Jody walks over to Lexi’s dresser and pulls out a lavender-colored sleep shirt out of one of the drawers. Jody carefully pulls off Lexi’s shoes and socks and throws them on the floor. Thankfully, Lexi came to her house in the middle of the night and is wearing cotton pants and a tee shirt that are simple enough to swap out for pajamas. Once Lexi dressed in clean clothes and is covered with a blanket, Jody picks up the bloody clothes from the floor and tosses them into the laundry basket.

“He really loves you, doesn’t he?” Jody whispers, knowing her question won’t be answered. “It shouldn’t be this hard, Lexi. You’ve been through enough. You all have…”

Every instinct inside Jody is screaming at her to get Lexi to the hospital. If any other person off the street was unconscious and covered in blood, that’s what Jody would do, but Bobby assured her that Lexi would be alright. So, Jody takes the bowl of pink water off the table, grabs the blood-stained wash clothes, and forces herself to trust Bobby and Sam.

-

“Secrets?” Bobby asks Sam after he just reiterated everything Lexi said while having the vision.

“That’s what she said. ‘The men who have the secrets and where they keep them.' She called them ‘the preceptors, beholders, and chroniclers of all that man does not understand.’”

“Whoah.”

“I know.”

“Some sort of Freemason-Illuminati thing?”

“No idea.”

“And she said you’re not supposed to read what she wrote?”

“Lexi was _very_ clear that I wasn’t supposed to read them.” Sam casts a glance to the kitchen table where the two inch thick stack of papers sits upside down. “She said ‘he’ was making her see, and she had to write it all down. Whatever she saw at the end, it was… I can’t explain it, but Bobby it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt.”

“It could be any number of things with her, Sam. How many people in her life have up and died on her? And how many of those has she witnessed first-hand?”

Sam sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Too many.”

As soon as Jody steps out of Lexi’s bedroom, Sam flies up from the couch and goes directly inside to sit next to Lexi on her bed. Jody follows him back inside, takes the clothes and random stuffed animals of little Sam and Alex’s off the chair in the corner of the room, and brings it to the side of Lexi’s bed for Sam. He nods his thank you, and when he sits down, he takes Lexi’s hand in his and rests it against his chin and lips.

“The last time this happened, she was only out for six or eight hours,” Bobby offers softly when Jody makes her way to his side. He wraps an arm around Jody’s shoulder and together they stands behind Sam.

“Last time?” Sam asks, but doesn’t take his eyes away from Lexi.

“When Crowley came to make good on her deal. She used her grace, got me my soul back and hers to. She did good, and apparently our girl knows how to make a Hellhound sit and stay, too.”

“This went on for hours, Bobby… Before when… With the vamps in Wisconsin, it took her _weeks_ to get better.”

“Weeks to _get better_ , yeah, but not weeks to wake up, son. She’ll wake up. Do you want us to stay, or maybe take the boys with us?”

Sam shakes his head. “No, but thanks.”

“Not that I don’t think you can,” Bobby starts carefully. “But if mornin’ comes, and Lexi’s _not_ all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, are you gonna be up for playin’ Mr. Mom all day?”

A smile cracks just a little bit on Sam’s face. “Sate the monsters, amuse-bouche, breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, nap, snack, dinner, bath, story, bed. Be quick with the diaper changes, keep everything up _at least_ chest high, don’t let them fight over the green plastic frog, and don’t leave my phone or wallet unattended.”

Jody chuckles. “Very good. You just forgot one thing.”

For just a second Sam tears his eyes away from Lexi to look back at Bobby and Jody.

“You forgot to mention ‘if you need anything, call Bobby.’” Bobby teases in a quiet voice. “Phones are always on, alright?”

“Thanks Bobby, and you too, Jody.”

Bobby and Jody leave, and Sam lets go of Lexi’s hand just long enough to check on Sam and Alex. When he sees they’re sound asleep in their crib, Sam goes back into Lexi’s room. A little sigh comes from his mouth when he sees she’s not moved.

Sam’s only been staying with Lexi for a few days, but he’s never been inside her bedroom: it’s small like the rest of the cabin, but big enough. Without snooping, he sees there’s a basket in the top of the dresser with a few odds and ends: lip gloss, bobby pins, and random change inside, next to a picture of Lexi and Jody sitting to each other with their legs in a swimming pool. Sam also notices that there’s an end table on the opposite side of the bed as Lexi that is completely bare. He assumes it was Dean’s.

As he toes off his shoes and shrugs off his jacket, draping it over the back of the chair next to Lexi’s bed, Sam wishes Dean was there. Having only spent just a few hours with Dean, Sam actually misses him. They got to say hello and a quick good-bye, and that was that. Even though Dean promised Sam that he’d call as soon as he could, Sam knows that call won’t come until Dean’s ‘test’ is done – however long _that_ takes.

“While you were gone,” Sam starts softly as he sits down in the chair and gently holds Lexi’s hands in his, “Sam and Alex woke up and were asking about Dean. They miss him, and they think he’s ‘all gone,’ but I told them Dean always comes back.”

Lexi lies motionless on her bed, her eyes closed, and her breath coming in slow.

“They asked me to sing,” Sam quietly laughs his words. “You know me, so I’m sure you know how well _that_ went over. The only song I could think of was some crap by REO Speedwagon, so I went with _Star Wars_ ; can’t go wrong with _Star Wars_ , can ya? I hummed it; Sam and Alex didn’t seem to mind. They just fell asleep, and it felt… I’m sure you know the feeling.”

Lexi still lies motionless, but Sam reaches for a washcloth Jody left behind on the end table, and he uses it to dab away the beads of sweat on Lexi’s forehead and neck. The pad of Lexi’s thumb just barely rubs over the top of Sam’s hand.

“Lexi?” She doesn’t answer him, but Sam keeps hold of her hand and gently rubs her arm. “It’s okay, just sleep. I’ll be right here.”

Two hours later, Sam falls asleep in his chair with Lexi’s hand clasped between his, and his head resting on her thigh. Neither of them move for the rest of the night.


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night, Sam witnessed Lexi having a vision and watched her scrambling to write it all down on paper. After her vision had run its course, Sam gathered Lexi’s unconscious body from the floor of Jody’s bedroom, along with the mysterious stack of papers he was told he was not supposed to look at, and brought Lexi back to the cabin. He sat with Lexi the whole night through, eventually falling asleep.
> 
> This is the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I _may_ have taken my husband’s first solo experience with parenting, twisted it around a little bit, and borrowed it to Sam. It was cute nine years ago, and it’s cute now.
> 
> PS. Sorry it took me friggin' MONTHS to update this fic, but here we are. My muses have been kind lately.

“Mahhhmeeeeeeeee!”

“Saaaaaaammmmm!”

Sam’s head flies up from where it’s been resting on Lexi’s thigh for the last few hours. For a minute, he’s a little disoriented as he looks around Lexi’s bedroom. Then he remembers that he’s at Lexi’s house, and that last night Lexi went to Jody’s house and had the strange vision. When it was all over, Sam brought her back to her cabin. Lexi’s been asleep this entire time, not having moved at all. Sam stayed by her side all night, held her hand and talked to her, trying to keep himself awake, but eventually he must have fallen asleep, slumped over, and apparently used Lexi’s thigh as a pillow.

Sam takes a minute just to look at her, and she looks so small with her breaths coming in and going out so slowly. For a second, he starts to worry again, but then reminds himself that Lexi will wake up soon. Sam also reminds himself that Lexi specifically said she would be all right, and that he promised himself that he’d trust her.  

Pulling him out of his thoughts, the little voices crackle again through the baby monitor on Lexi’s end table.

“Mahhmeeee!”

“Saaaaaammm!”

A little sore from being hunched over at a ninety-degree angle for so long, Sam rubs at his neck and chuckles at the noises coming from the little Sam and Alex’s nursery. Lexi’s sleeping in the exact same position as she was the night before, but Sam can’t help but smile because he’s looking at her; he’s actually _looking at her_. He’s waited _months_.

“SAAAAAAAM!”

“MAAHHHHMEEEEEEE!”

“All right, all right. I’m coming,” Sam tells the baby monitor with the smile still on his face, then he looks back at Lexi. “You’re really gonna stay asleep and let me do this, aren’t you?” She still doesn’t move, so Sam tucks a piece of hair that’s fallen out of her braid behind her ear. “I promise I won’t let them tear the place down… Or at least I promise _I’ll try_ to not let them tear the place down.”

“MOMMY!”

“SAM!”

“MOMMY!”

“SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”

“MOMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Sam shakes his head and turns off the baby monitor, so Lexi can rest without little Sam and Alex’s scratchy screaming. “Here we go.” After he takes his first step out of Lexi’s bedroom, Sam turns around and walks back to Lexi. “Just sleep. Don’t worry about anything; I can do this. You can trust me.”

-

Just as soon as Sam walks into the nursery, little Sam and Alex – after being ignored for fifteen seconds too long – have clearly taken matters into their own chubby, little hands and are scaling down the side of their crib. For a second, Sam panics, worried that the two little boys could fall, but before he can help them safely to the floor, they’re already standing in front of him.

“So, what does Lexi do first?” Sam wonders aloud to the two little boys staring up at him.

“I pooped,” Alex announces with a drooly smile.

Little Sam giggles, and ‘big’ Sam hangs his head and chuckles. “Of course you did.”

Knowing that the boys have very little patience, Sam closes the nursery door so little Sam doesn’t wander off while his brother’s diaper is getting changed. Sam gets Alex up on the changing table, has a fresh diaper and wipes at the ready, and as he carefully pulls open the snaps of Alex’s pajama’s, Sam asks, “Could you maybe not pee on me this time?”

Alex only answers with another drooly grin, and Sam gets to work.

He learns very quickly that when changing _this_ sort of diaper, breathing through his nose is a horrible idea, but breathing through his mouth isn’t any better. Sam uses about three hundred too many wipes, but eventually Alex is cleaned up, in a fresh diaper, and his pajamas are snapped up again. When he turns around to collect little Sam, the little boy is squatting in the corner of the nursery with a red-faced look of concentration – obviously filling his diaper.

After repeating the same hold-his-breath-steps with little Sam’s diaper, both little boys have clean diapers, but there’s still the matter of the _non_ - _clean_ diapers. Sam wraps them up inside themselves as best he can and looks for a place to get rid of them.

“I frow dem away, Sam,” Alex offers, with huge eyes looking up at Sam.

“No! _I_ frow dem away!” Little Sam insists, eyes begging.

“Well, there are two of them.” Sam hesitantly hands Alex one of the diapers – little Sam takes the second – and Sam watches them both put them inside this cylindrical, little, white garbage can labelled, ‘Diaper Genie.’ The little boys grunt as they twist the lid, but they make the diapers go away.

When they’re both done, they look up at Sam and exclaim, “All gone!”

Sam can’t help but laugh some more and wonder how this could really be his life. “It’s a good thing you two know what’s going on. So, now what?”

“Juice!” Little Sam chirps.

“Right,” Sam agrees and takes both little boys by their hands, walking them out of the nursery. “Breakfast.”

After little Sam and Alex are securely buckled in the high chairs, Sam finds the box of Cheerios on top of the fridge and sprinkles a handful on each of their trays, then grabs two sippy cups filled with juice from the fridge. When he hands them to the boys, who are ravenously stuffing their faces with Cheerios, they quickly abandon their dry breakfast cereal and start guzzling.

“Okay, the monsters are sated,” Sam tells himself, mentally checking off Lexi’s mealtime list for the boys while looking in the fridge for more breakfast. He finds a plastic container of fresh strawberries and a carton of eggs. _Scrambled eggs are easy enough to make._

It takes a minute for Sam to find a frying pan, a bowl, and a fork. He mixes up the eggs, tosses them into a buttered pan, and while they cook, he slices up the strawberries. Out of the corner of his eye, Sam watches little Sam and Alex drink their juice and eat their Cheerios, and he realizes his cheeks actually _hurt_ from smiling.

When the eggs are cooked, Sam puts them on a plate and blows on them until they’re cool, then transfers them to the high chair trays. Little Sam starts shoving bits and pieces into his mouth, but Alex takes a fistful and stretches over to his brother’s tray to get rid of them.

Alex looks up at Sam. “Don’t wike eggs.”

“No?” Sam asks, giving little Sam a purple and green handled fork that he found in the drawer. He ignores the fork and keeps right on using his hands.

“No.” Alex makes a face. “Eggs icky in my mouff.”

“Fair enough.” Sam’s smile grows wider. “So, what does Lexi usually give you for breakfast?”

“Pie,” Alex answers innocently.

 _Pie for breakfast? Gotta be Dean._ “Pie? Riiiiight.” Still smiling, Sam looks back in the fridge. He finds a bag of mini-bagels, toasts one slightly, spreads some peanut butter on it, and hands it to Alex. “What about this?”

“Yummy!”

Sam lets out a sigh of relief, pops a strawberry in his mouth, brings the rest of the juicy, red slices over to Sam and Alex, and once they’re fully engrossed in their meal, Sam practically runs down the hall to the bathroom. He’s back in only moments, and little Sam and Alex have scrambled eggs and strawberries all over the kitchen floor and a little bit on the wall.

“Guys, I promised Lexi I wouldn’t let you tear the place down,” Sam tells the two giggling boys, as he scoops up the fruity-egg mash from the floor. The boys only giggle some more at him, and Sam smirks back, then starts to make a pot of coffee.

The boys eat their breakfast and drink their juice, while Sam drinks his coffee and eats the occasional strawberry or bit of scrambled eggs offered to him, trying to ignore how they’re squished and full of slobber. When the boys proclaim they’re finished with their breakfast, he takes them out their chairs, changes their clothes, and Sam finds himself being led into the living room. Little Sam and Alex dump out their toy box and proceed to show Sam every single one of their toys three times over.

Sam reads them what seems like a million story books and builds them little towns with their blocks, at which the boys growl like they’re Godzilla and knock them over. Sam laughs and builds everything all over again, until he’s gleefully informed that it’s time for second breakfast.

Taking the easier route, Sam decides cheese and green beans again, since they seemed to like it when Lexi gave it to them the morning before. They gobble it up like they’re starving, which amazes Sam because they ate just hours ago.

When second breakfast is over, Sam cleans them up, changes Alex’s shirt because there seems to be a green-cheesy sort of gunk on the collar, and leads them back over to their toys. Immediately, they find things that seem to amuse them, so Sam tries to use the few moments to clean up the dishes from both rounds of breakfast. Only two sippy cups in to washing dishes, one of the boys lets out a squeal like a limb just fell off, and Sam rushes over to them, wiping his soapy hands on his jeans.

“MY fwog!” Little Sam holds the green plastic frog to his chest.

“NO!” Alex steals it back. “ _MY_ fwog!”

“Mine!” Little Sam yells, trying to pull it away from his brother.

“MINE!” Alex shrieks back, hanging on to the frog for dear life.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Sam gets in the middle of it and is surprised when he has to use a little strength to take the frog away from them. “If you can’t play nice, then you don’t get to have it.” _Who the hell am I, and where did that come from?_ He tucks the frog in his pocket, not missing how both boys give him a version of _his own_ puppy dog eyes. “I invented those,” he tells them with a smirk. “They aren’t gonna work on me.” But then both little boys’ bottom lips start to quiver, and the puppy dog eyes well with tears. _Crap_. “Why don’t we… Uh…” He looks around the living room. _You were a little kid once. What did you like to do?_ “Why don’t we go outside?”

The two sets of teary-puppy dog eyes disappear, and the quivering bottom lips are stowed away. “YAY!” Both little boys jump up and down, then take off in a side-by-side trot down the hall.

By the time Sam is able to chase after them, they boys are fighting once again.

“I open it!”

“No! _I_ do it!”

 _This is exactly what Dad always warned us about. I never thought it would happen, but this is a very early version of me and Dean… Great._ “All right, all right. Alex gets to open it, and Sam, you get to close it. Deal?”

The two little boys seem fine with the arrangement because when Alex opens the door, they both stretch to reach their jackets and yank them from their hangers. Sam helps both of them pull the jackets up their arms and helps them zip them up, being very careful not to zip up their chubby, little chins – Dean did that to him just once, and Sam remembers it was extremely painful.

Just before Little Sam closes the closet door, he dives inside, pushes aside a box, and finds a crate full of outside toys. Sam helps him pull it out, and Lexi’s guitar case falls to the floor with a thump.

“Uh oh,” both boys sing-song ominously at the same time.

“It’s okay,” Sam tells them as he picks up the extremely dusty, black guitar case. “I’ll put it back.”

“Mommy say ‘no touch.’”

Still noticing that the guitar case is very dusty, Sam can only conclude that it’s been hidden in the back of the closet for a long time. “Does Mommy play it?”

“No.” Both little boys shake their heads.

“How come? I’ve heard her play before. She’s really good.” Having lost interest in something they’re not allowed to touch, Little Sam and Alex pull on Sam’s hand to try to get him to go outside. “Okay, okay. Go find your shoes, and I’ll put this away.”

Very carefully, Sam opens the case to find the shiny acoustic guitar nestled in the soft black lining. There’s a couple of fliers from a coffee shop, and one from a bar that he recognizes as the place where Ruby knocked the power out, so she could kidnap Lexi.

Sam tried so many times before then to get the courage to find Lexi. He wanted to find her so badly. He wanted to at least _try_ make everything right, apologize for every single thing he’d ever done to her, but it was his own guilt and shame that kept him from doing anything. In the end, it was Dean that found Lexi. Sam still thinks that if he wouldn’t have kept bugging Dean and calling him, Dean would have never have left Lexi’s side to take his call, and Ruby wouldn’t have had the chance to take Lexi, and do only God knows what to her in Hell.

_Hell._

For just a minute, Sam’s mind leaves the guitar case and the flyers inside, and he _remembers_.

_The cage._

Sam can’t breathe.

_Lucifer._

Sam didn’t have his soul when he was in the cage, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t feel like what happened in the cage happened _to him_ , but he still sees everything in his brain; it’s a horrible sight, seeing a version of himself _that way._ Every once in a while, like now, little flashes shoot off in his mind’s eye: the _fire_ , the _heat_ , the _fear_ , the _pain_ , _torture_ , and _torment_ , and it all takes his breath away.

Once again, like at the fire pit the night he read Lexi’s journal, Lucifer’s evil cackle screams in his mind, and it takes Sam away from himself. In a particularly gruesome memory, Sam sees himself trying to jerk away from Lucifer, and physically, as he’s seeing the memory, Sam jerks in the hallway.

Thankfully, the jerk makes him kick over the crate with little Sam and Alex’s outside toys, and the toys scatter noisily across the cabin’s hardwood floor. In just a second, Sam’s a painful memory is gone, and he remembers what he’s supposed to be doing.

Trying to push the vicious flashback aside, Sam closes Lexi’s guitar case, with shaky hands, and puts it back into the closet. He picks up the all the toys from the floor, takes a deep breath in an attempt to ground himself, and goes back down the hall to help little Sam and Alex tie their shoes, so they can all go outside, vowing not to think about his flashback for the rest of the day.

-

While Sam is down the hall, little Sam and Alex are alone in the kitchen and notice that their mom’s bedroom door is open a crack. Very quietly, like they know _exactly_ what they’re doing, they make their way across the kitchen and into Lexi’s bedroom. Little Sam climbs up on the bed and plops down next to Lexi’s head, stroking her cheeks and brow with his chubby, little fingers. Alex climbs up on the bed too, but he snuggles into Lexi’s chest, closing his eyes when he can hear her heartbeat.

“Mommy see wots,” little Sam murmurs softly, running the tips of his fingers over Lexi’s eyelashes, as Lexi’s vision from the night before plays in his little mind.

“Wots,” Alex agrees, seeing the same things in his mind. “Wots and wots.”

“She see Daddy.”

“Boff of dem.”

“Where did you two go?” Sam’s voice calls to them from the kitchen, not having witnessed the little conversation that just took place. Peeking his head into Lexi’s room, Sam sees both little boys cuddled around her. “It’s okay, guys. She’s just -”

“SHHHHHHH!” Alex hisses, holding a finger up to his lips. “Mommy sweepin’.” He lays his head back down on Lexi’s chest and closes his eyes.

Little Sam nods his head, kissing Lexi’s forehead. “Mommy tired.”

“I know,” Sam whispers, surprised at how protective and observant they are. “Let’s go outside, so we can let her sleep.”

It takes a minute for little Sam and Alex to leave Lexi’s side, but one by one they climb down off of the bed and follow Sam out into the kitchen to put on their shoes.

-

With the crate of toys in one hand, and little Sam and Alex pulling him by his pinkie and pointer fingers of his other hand, Sam is led to a little pile of sand, just to the left of the fire pit, next to a rickety picnic table. He sits down next to them and drives the little cars and trucks over the “roads” and “highways” whose construction has his brother’s signature written all over them.

After a little while of making car and car crash noises that Sam hasn’t made in what seems like a million years, Alex asks a question. “Sam, you wive wiff us now?”

It’s then that Sam realizes little Sam and Alex both _speak_ like little kids: W’s for ‘L’s, and ‘D’s or ‘F’s for ‘Th’ sounds, but their vocabulary and _how_ they speak doesn’t seem to fit little boys that are only seventeen months old. “Yeah.” Sam parks his dump truck in a little, twig-manufactured parking garage. “Is that okay?”

“Yup.” Alex goes back to driving his trucks, then asks another question. “Why?”

“Um. Well… Your mommy and I used to be friends a long time ago, and after Dea-your daddy went buh-bye for a little while, I thought she might need help.”

“You our daddy too,” little Sam states. It’s _very_ clearly not a question.

Sam has understood pretty much everything that little Sam and Alex have said to him; those four words – clear as day – are no exception, but he still stares at them with his mouth hanging open. The boys stare right back at him, just waiting. _You our daddy too._ “Umm…”

“Well, look at this pile of Winchesters,” Jody pipes up out of nowhere.

Taking advantage of Jody and her distraction, Sam stands up from the sand pile and brushes off his jeans. Those four little words still echo in his mind, making him wonder what he was supposed to say. He can’t come up with an answer, so he walks over to Jody. “Hey. I didn’t know you were comin’ over today.”

“Bobby’s got those new windows for the kitchen and living room – shatter proof this time, so if Lexi decides to blow them out again with her angel mojo, _those two_ windows’ll be safe. I thought I’d tag along and see if you needed any help.”

“Nah. I think we’re…” Sam stops when he turns to see both little Sam and Alex dumping sand in each other’s hair. “Crap.”

“It’s just dirt, Sam. It’ll wash. They eat lunch yet?”

Sam checks his watch: it’s 1:45 PM, and he runs his hand through his hair. Both breakfasts _still_ need to be cleaned up, there’s toys all over the living room, he hasn’t had a shower or anything to eat except for soggy strawberries and eggs and a little bit of cold coffee, it’s past time for little Sam and Alex’s lunch, and forty-five minutes into their naptime, _AND_ he thinks he left the coffee pot on. He sighs. “No. Just breakfast and second breakfast. How the hell does Lexi do this?”

Jody laughs. “Very carefully. Are you exhausted yet?”

 _Yes. Is it my naptime?_ “Nope. I’m good.”

“Good. Bobby needs help with those windows. I’ll get the monsters cleaned up, make them some lunch, and get them down for their naps, but you did good, Sam. They have clothes on, so that’s a plus.” They both look back over at the boys and watch them untie their shoes. “Double knots next time.” Jody pats Sam on the shoulder.

“Double knots. Got it. I’m gonna go help Bobby.”

“Sure, take the _easy_ job,” she teases as Sam jogs away.

-

“Our girl wake up at all yet?” Bobby asks, while he and Sam carry the two new windows from the back of Bobby’s truck to the side of the cabin.

“Nope. She didn’t move all night.”

“Well, when you and I start pounding on the side of her house, she might wake up a little.”

Sam shrugs, but there’s a hopeful look on his face. “Maybe.”

Both men work in silence as they pull out the nails of the plywood covering the broken windows. They throw the bent nails in an old bucket and toss the sheets of wood into a pile, then start pulling the frames out of the siding.

Sam’s got a million questions to ask: _is Lexi’s grace still as strong as it was before? What exactly happened the last time she used it? Did Bobby find anything out about the ‘men who are the preceptors and beholders of all that man does not understand’? Has Bobby looked for Dean? Should **he** look for Dean? Why didn’t Lexi and Dean stay in Lexi’s house in Minnesota?_

“Bobby?”

“Yeah?”

With all the questions jumbled in his brain, “Were they happy?” falls out. _That is NOT what I meant to ask._

Bobby grunts when a corner of the frame won’t budge. He stops to take off his cap and wipe the sweat from his brow. “They were. They both had nothin’, except for each other and those two boys, but somethin’ was always missin’.”

Sam stops pulling on his window. “What?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, _you_ , ya idjit.” Bobby chuckles. “You’re Dean’s brother for cryin’ out loud. He missed you every damn day. Wouldn’t ever talk about it, but he did. We all did. Lexi too.” Sam scoffs, and Bobby throws a nail at him – which Sam catches easily. “Don’t wallow, boy; it’ll give you ulcers. Believe me, _I know_. Dean did the best he could, but there’s just no Dean without Sam; it’s just the way it’s always been.  

Sam’s mouth falls open.

_“Just one more thing, Sam,” Gabriel said gently, almost remorsefully, as they sat in the chic, little hotel room, the day Sam was saved from Hell. “Just one more thing.”_

_Gabriel held tight to Sam’s shoulder, and while he didn’t **see** anything, he **heard** Bobby tell the rest of the story. That was enough:_

_“He just couldn’t live without Sam. Crazy bastard went up against a whole pack of monsters, and he knew he wouldn’t’ve made it; he just wanted to go down fightin’. Dean loved you, Lexi, and he tried to keep his promise to Sam, to take care of you, but he just couldn’t live without Sam or live his days knowin’ that he was the one that killed him. There’s no Dean without Sam; it’s just the way it’s always been.”_

“What? Like you didn’t know that. And Sam, you’re gonna get woodchips in your mouth with it hangin’ open like that.”

Sam closes his mouth. “No, no, I did, it’s just…” He goes back to pulling on his window and gets it out of the siding. “When I was with Gabriel, he showed me some stuff about Lexi’s past…you said the same thing.”

“Apparently, my wisdom just gets better with age,” Bobby says with a completely straight face, but there’s an unmistakable twinkle in his eyes. 

Sam chuckles, sliding the broken window frame into the back of Bobby’s truck. “Apparently.”

Part of Sam wants to tell Bobby about what Alex said to him in the sand pile. _You our daddy too._ He knows Lexi did the best she could, Dean too, and raised little Sam and Alex the best way they knew how. Sam meant what he wrote in his journal: he’d _never_ want those two boys to know what it’s like to not have a parent. Even though little Sam and Alex seem to have gotten the idea in their heads on their own, Sam doesn’t want to confuse them, and he doesn’t want to overstep his bounds; he’s only been in Lexi’s house and in little Sam and Alex’s lives for a few days. He decides to keep his mouth shut and wait to talk to Lexi.

“I said this to Dean, and I’m gonna say it to you too,” Bobby starts out of nowhere. “You and Dean are like my sons, and Lexi, she’s like a daughter to me. It’s not my business, and I’m not askin’, but if you’re gonna to do this, you _have_ to do it. Lexi’ll put on a brave face and make it look like she can face the world – probably could, but she’s been through so much. If you want this, you have to want it, and if you want her…”

“I do.” Sam carefully watches Bobby’s reaction to what he’s just admitted, but Bobby’s a pro; he keeps what he’s thinking off of his face.

“Then you have to _be here_. You have to _trust her_ , you _have_ to come to terms with the life she had with Dean, but you also have to think about the fact that Lexi might not be on the same page as you. What they had… She _might not_ want to give that up, and you can’t fault her for that.”

Having his worst fear vocalized by Bobby makes Sam’s blood run cold. He’s known this whole time that Lexi might not accept the things that Dean said to her: _I can’t stay. You and Sammy… Your souls are bonded, you’re supposed to be married, you have babies together; you’re _ **supposed**_  to be together. You sacrificed everything for him, and he did the same for you. You two are supposed to be together, not you and me. _Even though Dean said those things, Lexi _might_ wait for him. She may have told Sam that she loves him, but she _might_ love Dean more. All Sam can do is nod his head.

“Neither of them did anything wrong,” Bobby adds.  

“I know that. I’m not mad about --”

“You can sell all that crap to everyone else, but I’m not buyin’ it, son.” Bobby gives his window a good yank, and it comes out of the siding. After tossing it in the back of his truck, he looks Sam square in the eyes. “You’re allowed _to be mad_ , and jealous, and frustrated, hell, you’re supposed to be. What you’re _not supposed to do_ is let all that fester in you, because it’ll wreck you quicker than you can think.”

Not really knowing what to say to that, Sam answers the easiest way he knows how, “Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Bobby grins. “Now that we’re off the set of my damn talk show, hand me that rubber mallet, will ya?”

-

Because Bobby is who he is, he putzes around the outside of the cabin: fixing this and that, replacing what needs to be replaced, and checking the oil in both Lexi’s car and truck. Sam follows him around and does what Bobby tells him to do.

“Front driver’s side tire is low on the car. There’s an air compressor in the back of my truck. Give her a few pounds, wouldya? I’ll top off the tranny fluid.”

By the time Sam and Bobby are done playing Handyman One and Two, it’s nearly dark, and they’re both starving.

“You did good today. We’ll make a civi out of you yet,” Bobby jokes and slaps Sam on the shoulder.

Sam laughs, still wondering how this could really be his life, and when he opens the door to the cabin, he smells steak and potatoes.

Little Sam and Alex are in their high chairs, sticking their fingers into the shells of their macaroni and cheese and slurping on their milk. Giving them each a little rub on their heads, Sam looks at Lexi’s closed bedroom door.

“She hasn’t moved an inch, Sam, but she will.” Jody smiles at him when she hands him a plate of steak and baked potatoes. “Eat. I’m sure you’re starving.”

“Thanks,” Sam tells her as he sits down at the table in the chair closest to Lexi’s bedroom, but then changes his mind and takes the one next to the high chairs.

“You got any of that grub for me?” Bobby asks Jody in a playful voice that Sam’s _never_ heard.

“As a matter of fact, Singer, I do,” Jody says sweetly. “Did you finish your chores?”

Sam hides a chuckle and gives Little Sam and Alex each a bite of his baked potato. They each return it with a fistful of cheesy pasta, and Sam eats them both, washing it down with the beer Jody hands him.

“As a matter of fact, sheriff, I did. Even did a few extra.” Bobby winks at Jody, and Sam almost aspirates his steak when he tries to swallow his laughter. “Can-it, boy.”

Actually laughing, Sam shakes his head at Bobby. “Consider it canned.”

Just as Bobby sits down with his plate of steak and potatoes, his phone rings in his pocket. “Balls. Sorry, I gotta take this.” He kisses Jody, playfully cuffs Sam on the shoulder for a thought he _just knows_ that boy is thinking, and ruffles both little Sam and Alex’s hair. “Don’t eat Grandpa’s steak.” Then he answers his phone while stepping into his boots. “Yeah, Garth, what do ya got?” The cabin’s front door opens, then closes behind Bobby, but both Sam and Jody still hear, “No, _oak_ , Garth! Not maple! What the hell are you gonna kill with maple? No! The one with the acorns!”

Jody and Sam look at each other and laugh.

“Garth?” Sam wonders, chewing on a bite of his steak.

“Garth Fitzgerald. You don’t know him?”

“Nope.”

“You will. He’s comin’ to town for a while.”

“Case?”

“Don’t know. I don’t really keep track unless it’s local, but now that Bobby’s busy for a minute, I have something for you.” Jody pulls a manilla folder out of the inside pocket of her sheriff jacket and hands it to Sam. “Bobby said he was just going to put you to work at the salvage yard, but I didn’t think that would suit you as well as this could.”

Sam looks in the manilla folder and sees a print out of a work schedule, along with a job description: University of Sioux Falls - Overnight Tech Lab/Library Staff. “Wow. How did you…?”

“Friend of a friend. Being sheriff has perks sometimes. The job’s yours, if you want it. The hours suck, the pay’s… _all right_ , but it’s full-time.”

Still looking over the paperwork, Sam sees something that doesn’t quite fit. “Jody, I don’t have any of these qualifications. Two years’ experience with --”

“Told you: friend of a friend. The job’s yours. Just call the number on the paper, and let them know when you can start. I told them you just moved to town and wanted to get settled in, so you’ve still got some time, maybe a week or so.”

In shock, Sam stares at the paperwork for an actual _legit job_ , but he still manages a, “Thank you. This is great. Perfect, actually.”

“I doubt that, but you’re welcome. It does come with a stipulation, though.”

Sam starts to take a drink of his beer, but stops. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Um. I don’t want to be the stereotypical, bitchy-best friend, but Lexi… Back before you came here, she kind of _told me_ about… _everything_.” Jody sees Sam’s shoulders sag slightly, and she reaches over to pat his shoulder. “I know some of the stuff that she told me, didn’t exactly happen the way she thought it did, but some of it did. Just don’t hurt her, okay? She won’t say it, but she’s petrified to let you in again. _If_ she tries, just don’t hurt her. That’s all I’m asking.”

“That’s the last thing I want, I swear it is. I never meant for _any of it_ to happen.”

“I know you didn’t, but more importantly _Lexi_ knows you didn’t. It’s just going to take some time for her open up. She’s been through so much, but she just wants her family to be all in the same place; that’s all she’s ever wanted.”

“I know.” Sam reaches over and rubs Alex’s leg, seeing that both he and his brother are falling asleep in their supper. “Thanks again for the job and for today. I have no idea what I would have done with them.”

Jody stands up from her chair and takes little Sam out of his chair. “Anytime. They _are_ a handful.”

Sam does the same with Alex and starts to follow Jody into the nursery, but Bobby stops them both as he walks back into the cabin. “Don’t even think about it. Those boys are comin’ to Grandpa’s house tonight.”

Immediately, Little Sam and Alex awake from their macaroni and cheese induced-sleep and wiggle out of Jody and Sam’s arms. When they run over to Bobby and try to climb up his legs.

Sam smiles. “Well, I guess that settles that, huh?”

“They do seem to be the bosses around here,” Bobby adds, trying to hang on to the squirming little boys in his arms.

“C’mon.” Jody nudges Sam’s shoulder. “Help me pack them up.”

Once inside the nursery, Jody pulls an overnight bag out of the closet, and Sam pulls some pajamas and clothes out of the dresser drawers.

“Jody, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t know much…well, _anything_ about little kids or kids Sam and Alex’s ages, but do they talk _really well_ for their age?”

As if she’s considering her words very carefully, Jody sits down on the bed and takes her time packing Sam and Alex’s clothes in the bag. “They do, but…all kids are different.”

Sam can tell Jody’s not saying everything she’s thinking, but he lets it go. It’s clear whatever Jody is thinking, she’s not comfortable talking about it. Sam knows Jody and Lexi are friends, and he doesn’t want to fish for information from Jody, when he should really be talking to Lexi about it.

Changing the subject, Sam asks, “So, you and Bobby, huh?”

Jody laughs. “Lexi told me all about it once. I _literally_ thought she was crazy, but it seems to be working out well.”

“It does,” Sam agrees. “Bobby seems…happy.”

Jody only smiles and slings the boys’ overnight bag over her shoulder.

When Sam and Jody walk out of the nursery, Bobby’s got the kitchen cleaned up and the leftovers put away, and he’s sitting on the couch with the boys, reading them a book.

“All right, who wants to go to Grandpa’s?” Bobby booms with a huge grin on his face.

Little Sam and Alex bounce on Bobby’s vest-covered belly. “I do! I do!”

“Well, what are we waitin’ for?” Bobby asks when he stands up from the couch and opens the door. “Let’s go find your seats!”

Both little Sam and Alex start toward the door, but then race to Sam and climb his legs, perching themselves on his hips. “Buh-bye, Sam. Wuv you,” they both chirp and kiss Sam’s cheeks.

Feeling his heart clench, Sam hugs them both. “I love you, too.”

-

Sam watches Bobby’s truck and Jody’s squad car drive down the dirt driveway, then he closes the door, locks it, and looks around the cabin. Jody put away every toy, and Bobby washed every supper dish, all that’s left for Sam to do is put away the book on the couch.

After he does that, he looks in on Lexi, who still hasn’t moved. With a sigh, he makes his way back to the nursery, finds some clean clothes to sleep in, and goes down the hall to take a shower.

When the bathroom door is closed behind him, he turns on the water for the shower, and while it warms up, he looks at the little basket of rubber ducks and plastic freighter ships on the counter. His eyes wander over to a little mirrored-tray by the sink with some of Lexi’s lotions and perfumes. One by one, he picks them up and smells them. One smells like the rain smell he’d know anywhere, another smells like something that can only be described as ‘pink flowers,’ and the last one smells sort of like vanilla, but woodsy at the same time. Next to the perfumes is a little jewelry box. Sam knows he shouldn’t open it, but he still does because curiosity gets the best of him. The second he opens, he wishes he hadn’t, because inside is a crinkled, little note in Dean’s handwriting. All the yellowed piece of paper says is, _I love you._

Very carefully, Sam closes the lid, and he covers it with his hands, like he can just erase the moment from ever even happening. When he can’t undo what he’s just done, Sam peels off his clothes, tosses them in the little wicker basket on the floor, and takes a shower.

Sam doesn’t wish he wouldn’t have opened the jewelry box because he doesn’t want to know about the life Lexi and Dean had, because he does. He wishes he didn’t open the box because it wasn’t _his_ to open. Truth be told, he expected a necklace or a pair of earrings, maybe some bobby pins or rubber bands. Seeing Lexi’s things, whether it be the pictures on her dresser, perfume in the bathroom, or bobby pins, makes Sam feel like he can still know her, know that part of her that kept on living after he was gone. This Lexi isn’t the Lexi he left behind so many times, and Sam’s convinced he’s not, nor will he ever be, ‘the Sam’ Lexi came back for. But he still wants to try. Has to.

He argues with himself through his whole shower about whether or not to tell Lexi about what he did and what he saw in her jewelry box. When the water is shut off, and Sam is dressed in his only pair of pajama pants and a threadbare tee-shirt, he still can’t agree with himself.

Even though Sam wants to sleep in any other position other than folded in half in Lexi’s bedroom chair, he doesn’t go into the nursery to sleep. He gets a glass of water and pulls the bottle of aspirin from the cupboard that he saw when he was looking for dishes to make breakfast. After chasing two chalky, white pills with the water, Sam hears a noise come from Lexi’s bedroom.

It takes him two seconds to get into her bedroom, and from the light of the kitchen, he sees Lexi has rolled over from her back, onto her side, with her arm stretched out to the chair by her bed. Her face is smashed into the pillow, making it look difficult to breath, and Sam remembers back after the vampires in Superior, there were times where Lexi was literally too tired to do _anything_. So, Sam turns on the little lamp on Lexi’s end table and carefully tries to roll her onto her back. As soon as he moves her, he sees the little trickle of blood that’s starting to make its way down her lip. It’s not the first time Lexi’s got a bloody nose after her she’s tapped into her grace, so Sam knows it happens, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a little panicked.

“Lexi,” Sam whispers her name, trying to sit her up, so she doesn’t swallow or choke on her own blood. “You have to wake up.”

She doesn’t, and because of that, her unconscious body isn’t willing to cooperate with Sam and sit up. He tries to lean her up against the wall, but that doesn’t work either. A little cough comes from Lexi, then another, and another. Just like Sam is worried about, little droplets of blood spray from Lexi’s mouth as she continues to cough and choke on her own blood. Doing the only thing he can, Sam lifts her up in his arms, sits down on her bed, and holds her up against his chest. Blood still drips from her nose, but she only coughs once more. Breathing a sigh of relief, Sam reaches for the blanket on Lexi’s bed to wipe up as much blood as he can, but changes his mind, because it’s white, and reaches for his jacket on the back of the chair. When he pulls it up to Lexi’s face, he realizes one of the cuffs is clenched tightly in Lexi’s hand. _Why was she trying to grab my jacket? I was sitting in that chair, maybe she was trying to find to me?_

After what feels like an eternity, Lexi’s nose _finally_ stops bleeding, but she doesn’t let go of the sleeve of his jacket. Sam doesn’t make her, he just wipes her face clean, sits with his back up against Lexi’s wall, and eventually dozes off.

“Sam?”

He thinks he’s dreaming when he hears Lexi’s voice, but when he hears it again, he knows he’s not.

“Sam?”

“Yeah.” Sam rubs his eyes to wake himself up. “Lexi, I’m right here.”

Lexi sleepily nuzzles into Sam’s chest, humming contentedly. “You smell different.”

Even in the dimly lit bedroom, Sam can see she’s smiling a little bit. “I _smell different_?”

“Mmm hmm. Different.”

“I hope that’s a good thing because I just took a shower.”

“You smell different. Everything smells different.”

“How am I _supposed_ to smell?” Part of Sam wants to laugh, but part of him feels something about this isn’t right.

“When I dream about you, everything smells like fire. Like our house burning. Like the night of the fire.”

When Sam realizes that Lexi’s half-asleep, he tries to gently ease her from sleep to awake, by rubbing her back. “You’re not dreaming, Lexi. I’m really here.”

“No, you’re not. You’re never here.” Lexi starts to cry, letting go of the sleeve of Sam’s jacket and gripping onto his shirt. “You died. You’re gone.”

Tears drip down Sam’s cheeks too, and he kisses the top of Lexi’s head, trying to hold her closer. “I’m here. I came back.” _I came back for you. Please wake up and come back to me._

“I came back for you, but you’re still gone,” Lexi murmurs tearfully. “I can’t save you, and you always still smell like fire.”

“I’m here. I’m real, and I’m _right_ _here_ ,” Sam tries to tell Lexi again, but she falls back to sleep.

 _I came back for you, but you’re still gone. I can’t save you, and you always still smell like fire_ , Sam silently repeats what Lexi just said, and it really occurs to him how much she’s been tortured these last seventeen months…longer even.

“I’m so sorry.”

-

Lexi stirs in Sam’s lap again, and his eyes instantly pop open, only to squeeze shut again from the sun streaming through the windows. It’s morning.

“Lexi?”

“Sam?” Her eyes actually look up at him. “What…” She swallows and makes a face at the sour-blood taste in her mouth. “What happened?”

Shifting on the bed, because he slept _again_ in a way that his back doesn’t appreciate, Sam decides not to bombard Lexi with a detailed account of what happened two nights before. With the hopes that it’ll all _gradually_ come back to her, he asks, “What do you remember?”

Also shifting, but not moving away from Sam, Lexi rubs her forehead. “Your journal. I shouldn’t have given it to you. You were mad, but I just wanted you to --”

“Don’t worry about that,” Sam interrupts softly. “I’m not mad.”

Lexi sighs, holding her face in her hands. “I _told you_ that you _have_ to stop saying that.”

This time, when Lexi moves in Sam’s lap, she tries to move away from him. Sam lets her go, but when she tries to stand up from the bed, her legs wobble, and she sits back down on the bed. When Lexi tries again, Sam wraps an arm around her waist.

“Let me help you.”

“I have to go to the bathroom, Sam.” She laughs weakly. “You’re not helping me with _that_.”

“Well, no.” Sam smirks. “But I can still help you get there.”

“M’kay.” Standing up from the bed, Lexi feels herself sway again, and she grabs Sam’s hand to steady herself.

Sam wants to pick Lexi up and carry her, but he’s not sure if she’d want that. Even still, he silently tells himself that if she stumbles before he can walk her out of her bedroom, he’s picking her up. She doesn’t, so Sam walks her through the cabin, her hand in his and his arm wrapped around her waist.

Once the bathroom door is closed behind Lexi, Sam leans up against the washing machine and dryer in the hall and waits.

“OH MY GOD!” Lexi screams, and Sam hears her knock something over.

“What’s wrong?” Sam jumps toward the bathroom door and tries to open it, but it’s locked.

“I gave you the journal _two nights ago_!” She yells through the bathroom door. “Where are the boys?”

“It’s okay.” Sam rests his forehead against the door, wishing it wasn’t between him and Lexi. “Bobby and Jody took them last night.”

“After I gave you your journal, I went to Jody’s, right? You asked for…some time, so I left, right?”

Sam sighs against the door and squeezes his eyes shut. “Yeah.”

After the toilet flushes, Lexi opens the bathroom door and staggers to the bathroom sink, out of breath after the four steps. When she starts to brush her teeth, she leans up against the wall with her eyes closed, because she feels like she’s going to pass out or throw up – maybe both.

“God, I feel like I drank my weight in tequila and then got hit by a truck.” She opens the medicine cabinet and starts to look through the bottles with blurry vision. When she finds what she’s looking for, she leaves the toothbrush in her mouth and tries to open the bottle.

When Sam notices she’s having a hard time, he walks into the bathroom and opens the bottle for her. He saw her squinting at the bottle, trying to read the label, so he asks, “Tylenol?”

“Please.”

“How many?”

“Just two.”

Sam shakes out two and sets them on the counter, making sure to stay close – but not _too close_ – to Lexi. When she finishes brushing her teeth, Lexi swallows the Tylenol, then rests her hands on the counter top, hanging her head like she’s trying to catch her breath.

“Do you need to go back to bed?” Sam asks softly, both seeing and _feeling_ her exhaustion.

Lexi looks up at her reflection, sees the dried blood around her nostrils, and sighs. “Bloody nose?”

“Yeah. Three of them.”

She groans. “Lovely.”

Feeling like her hand weighs a million pounds, Lexi turns the water back on in the sink and slowly washes her face with her hands. Literally exhausted, her trace-amounts of angelic grace having used up strength up in her human body that she doesn’t have to spare, washing her face is just too much. Sam sees this, _feels_ this, so he reaches for a wash cloth on the shelf next to the sink and starts to wash her face for her.

“Thank you for being here,” Lexi whispers so softly that Sam almost doesn’t even hear her.

Wiping the last trace of blood away from Lexi’s face, Sam says, “I promised you that I would be, and I meant it.”

“I remember you saying that.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. It’s all coming back to me, in bits and pieces. I’m just so tired. My head hurts, and I can’t think straight.”

Stowing all his questions about what happened at Jody’s, Lexi’s vision, and the things she wrote down, the _men_ that are the preceptors and beholders of all that man does not understand, and about forty-two other things, Sam asks, “Want me to bring you back to bed?”

Lexi answer Sam with a small nod of her head, so he scoops her up and carries her down the hallway.

Trying to focus on the task at hand, and _not_ the questions or the uncountable feelings inside him, Sam gently rests Lexi on her bed. When he stands himself up right again, he also tries not to notice how her fingers just barely thread with his for a fraction of a second, but fails.

Sam clears his throat. “I’m going to brush my teeth and stuff. Do you want anything to eat? Or some tea?”

“No,” Lexi answer weakly, curling up with her pillow. “I’m _so_ tired.”

“Okay.” Sam covers her with the white blanket at the end of her bed. “I’ll be right back.” 

Just as Sam leaves her bedroom, Lexi’s eyes flutter closed. By the time she realizes that she’s falling asleep, she forces herself to wake up. When she does, Sam’s sitting in the chair next to her bed, staring and picking at a stray thread on his flannel pajama pants. Without saying a word, she uses what precious, little strength she has left to move over to the empty side of her bed.

Sam looks up at her and watches her move – make room for _him_ in _her_ bed, and he can feel his heart pound in his chest. “It’s fine. I’m good right here.”

“I just want to show you something,” Lexi tells him softly. She can _feel_ what he’s feeling; she _feels_ the same way, but she wants to show Sam something that won’t break his heart. “It’s down on the floor, next to my end table. Will you get it for me?”

After moving aside a handful of Reader’s Digests, Sam finds a thick, navy blue book. He offers it to her. “This?”

“Yeah.” Lexi takes the book from Sam and looks up at him, waiting.

Sam doesn’t move in his chair, physically can’t. He’s afraid of what’s in the book, afraid it’s going to be like his journal.

For another second, Lexi looks up at him, and when Sam still doesn’t move, she breathes out a tiny sigh _._ “It’s a just a photo album.” She drops the navy book on her bed. “You can look at it whenever. I’m tired anyway.”

Like her little sigh is a shove, Sam carefully picks up the book and sits next to Lexi on her bed. “Pictures of Sam and Alex?”

Lexi reaches up into his lap and opens the cover. When Sam notices that she tries to sit up a little bit to see the book in his lap, he shifts down on the bed, until his head is on the pillows. He pulls up his knees and rests the album back against the tops of his thighs.

“These ones are from the night they were born,” Lexi tells Sam, pointing at a handful of pictures of a newly born Sam and Alex. “Sam is in the blue hat, and Alex is in the green. I couldn’t tell them apart.”

“I can see why.” Sam chuckles, looking at the pictures. “They look exactly the same.”

He flips the plastic-covered page to find more of the same sorts of pictures: Sam and Alex sleeping, eating, or crying. Even though each picture is almost identical as the one before it, Sam still looks at them, thinking about how the four-inch-by-six-inch pieces of paper are little moments actually frozen in time, moments he’d otherwise never get to see.

There are pictures of Lexi sleeping with the boys in her arms and pictures of Dean doing the same thing. Sam looks at pictures of his brother reading books to the boys, sleeping in the crooks of his crossed legs. Lexi doesn’t say anything about those pictures, just keeps quiet at Sam’s side and looks right along with him. When he gets to more pictures with backgrounds that he recognizes are the cabin, Sam expects Lexi to tell him something about them, but when he looks over at her, she’s fast asleep. He stops looking at the pictures for a little while, just to look at Lexi while she sleeps. Her breaths are dangerously slow, and she’s so close to him that he can feel them go in and come out on his arm. Sam can also _feel_ that she’s sleeping peacefully, so he goes back to the album.

For hours, Sam lies there, next to Lexi, looking at the pictures over and over again, studying them and learning all about his family that grew when he wasn’t around to see. He sees pictures of first teeth, a series of pictures that show both boys rolling over for the first time, ones of Sam and Alex taking their first steps, their first Christmas, and their first birthday. It’s not perfect, and Sam knows it never will be. He can never get those moments back, but a little voice inside him reminds him that he’s there _now_. Lexi’s given Sam a second chance to be there, to know his sons, and he can make memories and moments of his very own.

Just when he flips all the pages back to the very beginning, to start looking at the album again for the hundredth time, Lexi sits straight up in bed, fighting to catch her breath.

“What is it?” He asks, instinctively moving toward her and feeling her whole body shake. The album and its frozen moments in time are the furthest things from his mind, because he can _feel_ Lexi is petrified. “What’s wrong? Did you have a dream, or see something?”

Lexi’s eyes stare straight forward, flicking back and forth between what looks like nothing, trying to remember something important, something _she knows_ she’s supposed to do. Finally, when Sam starts to panic, she whispers only three words, “I need Cas.”


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s September 2011.
> 
> After Lexi had the mysterious vision about ‘the men who are the preceptors and the beholders of which man does not understand,’ she slept a night and an entire day. She woke up a little confused, but bits and pieces of what happened slowly started to come back to her.  
> With Lexi so weak and so exhausted, Sam brought her back to bed and didn’t leave her side once. Just a few short hours later, Lexi woke up in a panic, trying to remember something she’d forgotten, something so important she knew she had to do. When Sam asked her what was wrong, or if she had another vision or dream, Lexi only whispered three words, “I need Cas.”

Before Sam can even acknowledge what Lexi’s just said, she darts up off her bed and disappears into the kitchen. Sam’s long legs help him to quickly follow her, and he finds Lexi standing in front of the sink, out of breath, pale, and panting.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asks, forcing himself to stay calm, and quickly getting Lexi a glass of water.

Lexi takes it from him, pretty much just wets her lips with the water, and then slams it down on the counter top. “CAS! Get your ASS here!” She stops a second to pant and catch her breath again.

Protectively standing next to her, not letting more than an inch of space come between his side and hers, Sam can feel Lexi’s whole body shake. Remembering the last time she was like this, after she used her grace to fight the vampires in Wisconsin, Sam knows how weak and tired she feels is normal – well, par for the course, at least. After her vision at Jody’s, Lexi also reminded Sam that she’d be like this, but promised she’d be okay. Sam vowed to himself that he’d trust Lexi, and that included trusting her when she said she’ll be all right. As Sam supports most of, if not _all_ , of Lexi’s body weight, he reminds himself of his promise: _trust._

“CAS!” Lexi yells again. “I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!”

Sam’s watching Lexi’s eyes dart around on the ceiling, like she’s looking up at Heaven, just waiting for Cas to pop down, but he doesn’t. Sam knows if this much time has passed, Cas isn’t coming, regardless of how desperate Lexi sounds. Just as he has the thought, Lexi’s cheeks turn pale. Worried that she might pass out, Sam pulls her closer to him and tries to lead her toward one of the chairs. “Lexi, sit down, just for a minute.”

“No,” Lexi mutters under her breath, weakly shrugs out from under Sam’s arm, and starts to dig through random drawers in the kitchen. Her legs keep wobbling, almost completely giving out, but Lexi doesn’t try to steady herself against the countertop anymore. Sam catches her every single time, and he notices it’s like she _knows_ he won’t let her fall.

“What’re you looking for?” Sam asks when Lexi opens and closes the eighth drawer and still hasn’t found what she’s looking for.

“What I wrote.” Lexi starts to rummage through cupboards. “I need them. I need to…. Oh, God…. Sam, you didn’t read them, did you? You weren’t supposed to.”

Sam watches Lexi’s cheeks turn even paler. “No; I didn’t read them,” he assures her, still not understanding why he isn’t allowed to read them, but still holding her close, because her legs keep buckling. “They’re on top of the fridge.” He reaches up and pulls the stack of crumpled pieces of paper down, and sees Lexi breathe out a huge sigh of relief. “It’s okay. C’mon, we’ll go sit --”

Lexi rips the papers out of Sam’s hand. “CAS!!!” Ten seconds pass, but Cas doesn’t come. “What the hell?!”

For five minutes, Sam holds Lexi upright as the two of them stand in the kitchen waiting for Cas, but he never shows.

“He isn’t coming, is he?” Lexi asks in a quiet voice.

“I don’t think so,” Sam answers reluctantly. Lexi lets him take the askew papers out of her hands, and he sets them on the counter top. They both look at them, and Sam asks, “What are they?”

“I don’t know.” Lexi rubs her forehead and groans, “I don’t remember. They’re not for me.”

“Who are they for?”

“Dean. Trials stuff, I think. I don’t know, but whatever they are, he’s _supposed_ to have them.”

Sam nods his head even though he has no idea what’s going on. He’s got a million and forty-two questions, but he knows now isn’t the time. Lexi’s knees wobble again, but Sam holds her up. “Will you please sit down, just for a minute?”

Feeling shaky and like she’s going to pass out, Lexi nods her head just once, and then Sam watches her face turn a sickly-pale. Lexi pushes him away, scrambles her way to the kitchen sink, and vomits.

Holding Lexi’s long brown hair out of the way with one hand, Sam rubs his other hand soothingly up and down her back. It takes a minute for her dry heaving to stop, but by the time it does, Lexi’s practically sobbing into the sink. It kind of sounds like she’s trying to say something, but Sam can’t figure out what it is.

“Just breathe,” he says softly, still rubbing her back.

A garbled, “Cas,” slips out of Lexi’s lips mid-heave. Sam looks around the cabin, thinking that maybe Cas showed up, but the angel isn’t there.

Sam shushes Lexi and hands her the cup of water from before. She uses it to rinse out her mouth a couple of times, and Sam wipes her eyes and face with a dish towel.

“Why isn’t he coming?”

“I don’t know,” Sam answers, wishing he could give her more. “I’m sure he’s with Dean. Maybe Cas can’t come, like how I wasn’t allowed to call you?”

Lexi mumbles, “Stupid.”

“I know,” Sam agrees and watches Lexi rinse her mouth out again. “Do you need to go back to bed?”

“CAS!” Lexi has to try one more time, but when the angel still doesn’t come, Lexi weakly nods her head. Defeated, exhausted, and weak, she whispers, “Bathroom, first.”

Carefully, Sam scoops up Lexi, carries her down the hallway, and brings her into the bathroom. When he puts her down, Lexi gives him a half-second glance that lets him know to give her a minute of privacy. He does, she closes the door, and just after the toilet flushes, she opens the bathroom door back up. Holding her weight up by leaning against the bathroom counter, Lexi washes her hands and face, brushes her teeth, and clumsily twists her hair up into a pile on top of her head.

“Better?” Sam wonders aloud as he scoops her up without question and carries her down the hallway, back to her bedroom.

“Nuh uh,” Lexi mumbles, barely able to keep her eyes open. “Feel weird.”

“What do you mean you ‘feel weird’?”

“Don’t know. It’s my head. Feels… _weird_.” Sam sets Lexi down on her bed and sits down next to her. She rubs her face with her hands, squeezing her eyes shut tightly. “Feels….” She sighs. “I’m probably just tired.”

“Probably,” Sam echoes and covers Lexi with the sheet and blanket when she lays back on her pillows. Her face is so pale, grayer than the off-white sheets and pillow cases. Her eyes look dull, almost lifeless and so exhausted. They droop closed a couple of times, but Lexi forces them to stay open. She helplessly looks up at Sam, and he looks down at her, wishing he could do _something_. He still has that urge to ask all the questions bouncing around in his head, but stops himself. He asks just one, “Do you…uh…do you want me to stay?”

Lexi doesn’t answer him, but because she doesn’t want to be alone, she pushes herself further across the mattress, taking the side of the bed with the completely bare end table. Before laying down, Sam closes Lexi’s curtains, to block out the bright rays of the setting sun. When he lays down on the bed, he rolls over so he’s facing Lexi and watches her drift off to sleep. He’s not exactly comfortable; his legs are hanging off the end of the bed a good four inches, but he doesn’t move, just watches Lexi sleep.

-

Sam supposes a few hours pass, but Lexi’s still asleep. He carefully gets up from the bed, and out of the corner of his eye, he notices a sawed-off shot gun hidden behind Lexi’s end table. After a closer look, Sam can also see the handle of a knife. Instantly, he recognizes the gun from the trunk of the Impala, and Sam also knows the knife handle belongs to Ruby’s knife, specifically the knife Lexi brought with her when she came from the future. Sam takes a minute to just look at the knife and the gun, wishes Lexi didn’t need to keep such things so close to her when she sleeps, then he silently goes out into the kitchen. Sam drinks a couple of glasses of water and grabs something quick out of the fridge to eat, and just as he turns to walk down the hallway to the bathroom, his eyes land on Lexi’s pile of papers.

Sam knows he’s not supposed to read them, and he doesn’t. He just straightens the pages until the corners are even, edges perfectly straight, and smooths out all the wrinkles he can. The backside of one page has a dried brown-red splotch pattern: blood stains and drips from the bloody nose Lexi had during her vision. Sam smooths the stained page just like the rest, and then he prays, “Cas, Lexi needs you. She needs to know that whatever she’s supposed to do with that vision is getting done. She said these pages are for Dean, and she needs to know he’s safe. Just give her that much, that’s all I’m asking. Just give _us_ that much. _Please_.”

After standing completely still, waiting for an angel he knows isn’t going to come, Sam runs his hand over the stack of papers once more, then continues his way down to the bathroom. When he comes out, he calls Bobby to check on Sam and Alex.

-

Lexi’s eyes flutter open when she hears a voice. Her bedroom is dark. She likes it dark; it goes with how alone she’s felt over the last couple of days…and weeks. She’s tried to ignore each passing minute and every single day that comes and goes, but they all taunt her and remind her that it’s **2014** : the worst year of her life.

As Lexi rolls over on the bed, she feels a little disorientated. She reaches blindly for the lamp on her end table, but when she gets there, the lamp’s missing.

“What the hell?” She grunts crankily, tapping her hand along the surface of an end table that’s completely bare.

Annoyed, she rolls over on the bed and decides she doesn’t need light anyway, but when she stands up from the bed and starts to walk in the direction of where she knows her bedroom door is, she bumps into another end table. Still without light, Lexi reaches forward to feel for the table she crashed into and finds a lamp.

“I’m losing my mind,” she mutters, snapping on the light. Before she can say anything else, Lexi gasps. She’s never been in this room before.

There’s a picture on the top of a dresser. She recognizes it as a picture she took of her and Jody, about a year ago, but she’s never seen the frame before. The clothes in the closet look foreign to her, and the other items scattered around the bedroom are things she’s never seen before.

“What the hell?” Lexi asks again, and for the first time, she realizes her throat isn’t sore.

She’s been out of the hospital for a week and a half. It’s been just three weeks since the awful night of the fire, and her doctor told her and Dean that with the smoke inhalation, the injuries she sustained, and with whatever “fell” on her neck during her escape, her aches and pains would take longer to heal. Neither Lexi, nor Dean contradicted the doctor’s misdiagnosis of what _actually_ hurt her neck and caused all the bruises on her body. What was Lexi supposed to say? _Um, sorry, doctor, nothing ‘fell’ on my neck. My husband was possessed by a demon that was supposed to be dead. He tried to strangle and beat the shit out of me. That’s where the bruises came from. Go back to med school._

No way.

Dean and Lexi let the doctors come up with their own stories, and when Lexi was discharged, Dean took her to an apartment that Bobby set up for them.

Lexi’s chest heaves with a sob as she remembers her newly deceased husband, her newly deceased daughters, but she pulls her shit together. She’s alone; Dean only left a few days ago – hunting, had to get back on the road, his note said – and she knows she has to be strong. If she lets herself fall apart, she’ll never pull it back together.

But more importantly, Lexi can’t let herself fall apart, because she has no idea where she is. She’s never been in this room before. “This isn’t right.” She gasps when she sees a picture of her with two little boys, _not_ two little girls. “Something’s wrong.”

-

Sam’s in the kitchen, just hung up the phone with Bobby – the boys are going to stay another night at Singer Salvage – and Sam hears Lexi talking to herself. Her voice is muffled, but she sounds panicked. Quickly, he walks toward Lexi’s bedroom. The door’s not completely closed, but Sam still knocks softly, waits a second, and then walks inside.

He sees Lexi’s sitting on the edge of her bed, and he smiles at the fact that she’s awake. “I was wondering when you were going to wake up.”

Thinking that maybe Lexi might ask him for some water or something to eat, Sam waits patiently for her to say something, but she flings herself backward on the bed. For a second, she looks panicked, her eyes dart around the room, but that goes away when she sees the hidden shot gun and knife. She quickly reaches down for them and points the gun at Sam. There’s a wild look in Lexi’s eyes that tells him this is so very wrong. Sam instinctively takes a step backward.

“You have five seconds to smoke out of _my_ husband, or I _will_ kill you.”

Sam’s mouth falls open. _My husband_? “What?”

“Four.”

“’Smoke out?’ Lexi, I’m not --”

“Three.”

“I’m not possessed!”

Lexi cocks the gun. “I realize that the salt gun isn’t going to do shit to you. It didn’t three weeks ago, in my _daughters’_ nursery when you _burned them alive_ , but this time, I have the knife. I _will_ kill you, and I don’t give a fuck if I die trying. Two.”

“Three weeks ago?” Sam’s so confused, and the gun’s still pointed directly at him, Lexi’s countdown nearing its end. “Lexi, what are you talking about? That didn’t happen three weeks ago.”

“ _Three_ fucking weeks ago, _you_ ruined my life! _Three_ fucking weeks ago, _you_ killed my daughters, and Sam’s dead because of _you_! Look at a God damn calendar, asshole! One.”

Sam doesn’t understand. Why does Lexi think that he’s possessed, and why does she think the fire happened _three_ weeks ago? Lexi gives him another look with dark and furious eyes that he’s never seen before, then he watches Lexi’s finger squeeze the trigger just a fraction of a fraction of an inch. Logically, Sam knows being shot with a round of salt won’t kill him, but it’ll still hurt like hell. “It’s really me,” he insists, “I swear it.” _But who are you?_

“Prove it,” Lexi growls, her stance showing she’s not moving to back down in the slightest.

Quickly looking around Lexi’s bedroom, Sam is unable to find salt or holy water, so he slowly walks toward Lexi, until his chest is pressed tightly into the barrel of the shot gun. He holds out his arm and nods at Ruby’s knife, gripped tightly in Lexi’s hand. “Use the knife. Cut me. Then, you’ll know.”

“If you’re fucking with me, I _will_ kill you, and I’ll make it _so_ _slow_ ,” Lexi threatens, making an almost sinister smile on her face as she says it. “You took _everything_ from me, and I’ll make it last _for_ _days_.”

There’s a look on Lexi’s face, in her eyes, that tells Sam she means _exactly_ what she says. “I won’t,” he promises.

“I _know_ ,” Lexi growls, sure of herself. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t kind of hope you will.”

Lexi pulls the gun away from Sam’s chest, quickly ejects a salt round, catches it in the air as she drops the gun, and cuts open the casing. With a palm full of salt, she grabs Sam’s arm. He can feel the jagged edges of the rock salt digging into his skin, and the second before he feels the sharp edge of the blade cut into his arm, Sam has a momentary thought: Lexi’s not possessed. She touched the salt.

They both watch as blood trickles down Sam’s arm, but there’s no flickering lights under his skin.

“See,” Sam says softly, and takes a step closer to Lexi, “it’s me.”

Before Sam can even comprehend what’s happening, he’s shoved up against a wall, and there’s a sharp pain on his collar bone: Lexi’s holding the knife to his throat.

“I don’t know what the _fuck_ you are. Sure, you might not be a _demon_ , but you’re _something_. You picked the wrong girl to dick with, because, honey, I’ve got nothing left to lose. You take me from _my_ house, bring me where ever the hell we are, dressed up as my _dead_ husband, and you think I’m not going to gut you for that?” Lexi laughs, and it’s a laugh Sam’s _never_ heard before. “You’re pretty fucking stupid.”

Sam’s well aware that he’s much larger and much stronger than Lexi, but he’d never hurt her. He’d never let her do any real damage to him, but he’d _never_ hurt her. So, Sam does what he does best: he tries to reason with her. “Okay,” he starts calmly, “You used the knife and the salt: I’m not a demon. You touched me, and it’s not cold in here: I’m not a ghost, either. All that’s left is silver. In my front, right pocket is a silver knife. I’m gonna take it out, nice and slow, and then I’ll give it to you, all right?”

“No. _I’ll_ get it. Don’t fucking move.” She quickly fishes it out of Sam’s pocket and grips it in her hand.

 _It’s her eyes_ , _the way she looks, the way she carries herself: it’s not right,_ Sam thinks to himself as he watches Lexi stare at the silver blade in her hand. Her eyes are the same color they’ve always been: a bright, ocean blue, always soft and kind, but now, they’re filled with a rage and vengeance that Sam’s _never_ seen before.

Lexi presses the jagged edge of Ruby’s knife tighter into Sam’s neck, and he actually flinches. He blinks for a fraction of a second, and when he opens his eyes back up, Lexi’s soft eyes are looking up at him.

“Sam?” Lexi asks, panicked, not knowing why she’s standing in front of Sam, holding a knife to his throat, or even out of bed. “What’s…?” Quickly, she drops both knives, like they’re fire hot, and they clang, bouncing off the hard wood floor. “Why did I…? What _happened_?”

“I don’t….” Sam remembers the way Lexi looked at him, how fierce and vengeful her eyes looked. It was Lexi, but it wasn’t. “I don’t know. It was like you were…. You don’t remember anything?”

“You brought me to bed, and I fell asleep. The next thing I know, I’ve got a knife to --” Lexi looks at Sam’s throat and sees a thin line of blood dripping down his skin. “You’re bleeding. Did I…?”

“I’m okay,” Sam quickly assures Lexi, trying to hide the blood trickling from the shallow cut on his arm.

“I cut you.” Lexi holds her head in her hands, trying to remember things that aren’t _in_ her memory. She lists off what she _can_ remember, “I was sleeping, and I woke up, here, standing right in front of you. The knives, they were in my hands, and there’s blood on your neck. But I don’t remember even getting up out of bed. I don’t remember anything.” Lexi’s mind goes a hundred miles a minute, exhausted, confused, and trying to go through every bit of information she has. The knives, unusual violent behavior, and lapses in memory. Her blood runs cold. “Am I possessed?”

“No,” Sam answers quickly, “you touched salt; you can’t be.” Wrapping his arm around Lexi’s shoulders, Sam leads her to the edge of her bed. As soon as they sit down, Lexi takes Sam’s arm in her hands.

“I did this?” Her hands shake as her fingers hover over the blood trickling from Sam’s wound.

“You don’t remember _anything_?”

“No; I went to sleep,” Lexi tells Sam again, “and I woke up holding the knife to your…. I cut you,” her voice cracks, “I _hurt_ you.” Lexi uses her night shirt to dab the blood away from the inside of Sam’s arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t --”

“It’s nothing,” Sam promises. “I’ve had way worse, and I don’t think _you_ really did it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? How could it be _me_ , but not _me_?”

“I don’t know, but you were… _different_. You thought _I_ was possessed. You thought that _I_ was Yellow Eyes and that the fire happened three weeks ago. You kept saying that over and over again.”

“I don’t know,” Lexi sobs, “I don’t remember anything.”

“Shhh. It’s okay. I believe you,” Sam says softly, holding Lexi as she cries quietly, and his mind goes into familiar research mode. “Is there anything significant about the third week after the fire? Would that- _you_ maybe try to contact you somehow?”

Lexi sits up, wipes her eyes, and thinks back. “I wouldn’t have been able to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was pissed. I was devastated. I wanted to make _someone_ pay, and Dean knew it. So, before he left, he made Bobby promise to stop me if I ever tried hunting again. I tried to leave once, and Bobby hauled my ass back home. Then, I quickly figured out that I didn’t have to _leave_ my apartment to do stuff. I tried to do spells, summoning rituals, and the second I did, Crowley knew. He stopped me, then told me that before Dean left, he also made Crowley promise to not let me do magic. I gave up after that. I know that Dean was just trying to keep me safe, but the more I felt boxed in, the darker I became. I hated everyone. I wanted revenge, but I couldn’t take it. I don’t know what I would have done if Cas and Crowley wouldn’t have sent me back here.”

In spite of seeing Lexi the way she was just a minute ago, it’s hard for Sam to picture Lexi _being_ like that: desperate, devastated…dark, but he’s all too familiar with feeling like that. “That’s pretty much what you were like. You thought I was Yellow Eyes, possessed by him, and it was like you wanted him to mess with you, so you could kill him. You specifically said that you didn’t care if you died in the process.”

“That sounds vaguely familiar,” Lexi groans, “but I don’t understand how a 2014 version of me could just jump into my brain like that. It doesn’t make sense. The spell for me just to come back, needed both Crowley and Cas, ingredients and probably charms that I don’t even know about, and a version of me had to die. It didn’t seem like a run-of-the-mill spell.”

Sam doesn’t get it either. “I could call Bobby?”

Lexi looks over at the two knives on the floor, the tip of one blade covered with the thinnest line of red: Sam’s blood. “Probably a good idea, before I go all Sybil and do it again.”

“I don’t think it’s multiple personalities,” Sam gives Lexi a half-smile as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. He dials Bobby’s number, turns on the speaker phone, and while it rings he asks, “Are you feeling okay?”

“Memory lapses and making you bleed, aside? I’m okay. Still shaky and a little tired, but I knew that would happen.”

Bobby’s voice comes through the phone. “The boys are _fine_. How many times you gonna check on them?”

“Good to know, Bobby,” Sam answers, “but that’s not why we’re calling.”

Both Sam and Lexi hear something _thunk_ on Bobby’s end of the speaker phone. “What’s wrong, now?”

“Lexi kind of had a….”

“Had a _what_?” Bobby asks in a tone that’s mixed with worry, protectiveness, and concern.

“I don’t remember it happening,” Lexi butts in, “I went to bed. I don’t remember waking up, but I did. Sam said I acted like it was 2014; I kept saying the… _fire_ happened three weeks ago. Bobby,” Lexi’s voice cracks, “I _attacked_ Sam.”

Quickly, Bobby asks, “But you two are okay, now. Right?”

Sam sees the guilty look on Lexi’s face. “Yeah,” he answers for the both of them. “We’re okay.”

Bobby sighs a quiet breath of relief, then clears his throat. “Good. Lexi, if you were a _normal_ person, I’d tell Sam to bring your ass to the hospital.”

Offended, but only a little bit, because it’s Bobby, Lexi rolls her eyes. “Thanks.”

“And if you were a normal- _hunter_ -type-person, I’d tell Sam to soak you in holy water.”

“She’s not possessed,” Sam interjects.  

“I figured you’d’a already checked that out, but the things that Lexi’s done: time travel, angel grace, visions…. Never mind. You know what? I’ll just pack up some books and the boys, and I’ll be right over.”

Lexi tilts Sam’s wrist toward her, so she can see his watch: 11:34 PM. Covering up the phone with her hand, Lexi looks up at Sam. “Should we just go to Bobby’s? It’d be easier. I feel okay.”

“Are you sure?” Sam asks, and Lexi nods her head. “Okay. I’ll drive.” Lexi moves her hand away from the phone, and Sam tells Bobby, “No, don’t wake up Sam and Alex. We’ll come there.”  

“See you two in a bit. I’ll put on a fresh pot of diesel.”

-

Ten minutes later, Sam and Lexi are in the Scottsdale on their way to Singer Salvage. In his periphery, Sam sees Lexi start to fall asleep, curled up in the passenger side of the truck, her head leaning against the window, but when her eyes close, she quickly opens them back up.

“It’s about an hour drive,” Sam says quietly, “I’ll wake you up when we get there. Just sleep for a little bit.”

“No.” Lexi sits upright on the seat and rolls down the window a little bit, breathing in the cool night air. “What if I wake up, and I’m…not me again? I _hurt_ you.”

“Well, if it happens again, I’ll know what’s going on, and I won’t let it get that far again.”

“Do you think I’m going crazy?”

Shocked by the question, Sam looks over at Lexi and watches her wipe her face. Quickly, he eases the truck over to the side of the road and pushes the shifter up into park. “Why would you say that?”

“Donnie Finnerman.”

“Who?”

“Raphael’s vessel. It ruined him, left him catatonic: fried his brain. What if Cas’s grace is doing that to _me_? What if _this_ , what happened, is my brain shorting out, and I end up like Donnie?”

“We don’t even know if _this_ is happening because of the grace. It happened _once_. We don’t know anything, and even if it is, I won’t let that happen to you. We always find a way.”

“No, Sam,” Lexi whispers softly, starting to cry again, “We don’t.”

“ _Yes_ , we do. _I_ will. If those are my two options: watching you fall apart, _losing you_ because of some angel grace, or finding a way, I’ll find a way. You of _all_ people should know we _always_ find a way.”

“No, we don’t!” Lexi yells through her tears. “The psycho-Lexi you just met, the one who tried to slit your damn throat, she was like that because she _didn’t_ find a way! She lost _everyone_ , and there was no way to get them back! _She_ didn’t find a way, because there wasn’t one!”

Sam slides across the truck’s seat and sits next to Lexi. He waits until her breathing goes back to normal, then says, “ _She_ might not have found a way, but 2014-Cas and Crowley sent you back here, and _you_ found a way. Dean’s safe. _I’m_ safe. None of the things that happened to you can happen now, because _you_ found a way. Even though you couldn’t change everything and couldn’t stop me from going to Hell, you still saved me; you saved my soul.”

Neither Sam, nor Lexi, know who moved first, but Lexi’s sobbing into Sam’s chest while he holds her. He gently rubs her back, pets her hair, and whispers quiet strings of, ‘ _it’s_ _okay_ ’s, ‘ _we’ll_ _figure_ _it_ _out_ ’s, ‘ _Bobby and I won’t let anything happen to you_ ’s.

A few minutes later, Sam feels three texts alerts vibrate in his jacket pocket. He quickly checks them, even though he already knows they’re from Bobby. Sam texts back that they’re on their way: forty-five minutes or so, and when he lets go of Lexi, he sees she’s fast asleep.

Sam smiles, glad he could give her at least some comfort amid all her confusion, worry, and exhaustion. He slides both himself and Lexi across the seat, and drives the rest of the way to Bobby’s house with his right arm wrapped around her.

-

“We’re here,” Sam says quietly when he parks next to one of Bobby’s old beaters.

“’Kay,” Lexi mumbles sleepily and gets out of the truck.

“Do you feel okay?”

“I’m _me_ if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I know you’re you. I was just wondering if you feel any better.”

“A little.”

“Good.”

-

When Sam and Lexi walk into Bobby’s office, he’s got twenty books open and scattered all over the top of his desk, not to mention the dozen or so on his couch. Lexi sits down in a chair, and Sam sits on the arm.

“Okay; start at the beginning,” Bobby tells Sam. “Tell me _exactly_ what happened. I have a couple of theories, but I wanna make sure I got the facts straight.”

Sam hesitantly tells every detail: how Lexi seemed to think it was 2014, how she thought Sam was possessed by Yellow Eyes, how she threatened to kill him and draw his death out for days, how Lexi’s eyes were full of vengeance, and how she said she had nothing to lose and didn’t care if she died. Sam also tells Bobby about how he initially wondered if 2014-Lexi tried to somehow contact _this_ Lexi, but goes on to say that Lexi explained to him that couldn’t have happened. Sam purposely leaves out the part how Lexi shoved him up against the wall and cut him with Ruby’s knife, but both Lexi and Bobby see the marks on his arm and neck. They know.

Lexi holds her head in her hands while she listens, and when Sam’s done telling the whole story, Bobby asks Lexi, “And from the things you’ve told me, that’s pretty much how you were back then, right?”

“Yeah,” Lexi reluctantly agrees. “I probably wasn’t a very good person back then.”

“No one’s blamin’ you, hun, just tryin’ to get all this straight. So, back when we used to have our chats, you once told me that 2014-Dean had Crowley stop you if you did any spells, so Sam’s theory of the 2014 version of you, trying to do a spell, isn’t an option. Right?”

“No,” Lexi agrees. “The times that I tried, Crowley was banging on my front door before I could get a candle lit.”

“That’s what I thought.” Bobby grabs a notebook off his desk, jots something down, and crosses a couple things out. “So, when you came here, you said Crowley and Cas did a spell.”

“Right.”

“And Cas gave you some of his grace. Why?”

“Crowley said that it would keep me safe. He told me that ‘time travel can wreak havoc on souls,’ and the grace would keep mine intact.”

Bobby write more stuff down in his notebook, closes eight or nine books, and tosses them to the side.

“Bobby?” Sam asks as hears Bobby mumbling to himself and tossing books around his office. “What are you doing?”

“Gettin’ rid of theories that don’t fit. Time travel, to scientists, is theoretical at best, so nothing I have is concrete, but the lab coats and the mystics seem to have the same logic, so that’s what I’m goin’ with.”

“So, what’s your theory,” Lexi asks dryly. “Am I going crazy?”

“Don’t think so,” Bobby answers. “Sam, I forgot to put on that pot of coffee. Wouldya mind?”

Both Sam and Lexi know Bobby’s just trying to get Sam out of the room, but Sam doesn’t argue. “Yup. Be right back.”

“Take your time,” Bobby tells Sam as he walks out of the office and closes the doors.

Lexi looks at Bobby, confused. “Anything you have to ask me, you can say in front of Sam.”

“I think these questions will be easier for you to answer if it’s just the two of us.”

“Oo-kay?”

“Way back when, you also told me about how you and Sam did the soul bonding ritual. You showed me the paper that Cas gave you, and after all this time, after everything that happened, you never broke it?” Lexi sighs, and Bobby watches her eyes fill with tears. “You don’t have to explain. You can just give me a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.”

After a long minute, Lexi answers, “No, I never broke it.”

Bobby’s face doesn’t show a single speck of judgement. “So, now that Sam’s back, the bond is still there?”

“Not like it was,” Lexi says quietly, fidgeting with a loose seam on the arm of Bobby’s chair. “Last time, when Sam and I were apart, we couldn’t really _feel_ each other like we could when first did the ritual. It faded, but it was still there. Sam and I had to kissfor the bond to go back to normal.”

“And that…hasn’t _happenend_?”

“Obviously not,” Lexi grumbles and sees Sam walk back into Bobby’s office carrying three cups of coffee.

“M’not judgin’, just askin’ the questions,” Bobby answers quickly and honestly and doesn’t think twice about Lexi’s defensiveness.

“Then, pick _another_ question.”

“All done.” Bobby makes a couple more notes in his notebook, closes all but seven books, and takes the cup of coffee Sam offers him. “Okay, I have a theory.”

Sam takes his former place on the arm of Lexi’s chair and hands her a cup of coffee too. “Let’s hear it.”

“I think it’s all linked to the grace. Cas’s grace was supposed to keep Lexi safe, and she don’t have much left. Scientists and Doc Brown and The Doctor are all constantly babbling about how time travel can have consequences, and 2014-Crowley even said it could ‘wreak havoc’ on her soul. I think that’s what it’s doing. Lexi, you crossed your timeline, and you’re re-writing your history. Your body isn’t _made_ to do that. Your brain isn’t _wired_ to handle having two timelines worth of memories, and from what Sam said happened tonight, it’s like a different part of you was bleeding through.”

Lexi gives panicked looks to both Sam and Bobby. “So, tonight _wasn’t_ a one-time thing; it’s _going_ _to_ happen again. Parts of me are going to keep _bleeding_ through, and knowing us, it’s probably going to get worse. Unless, I find an angel that’s willing to donate some grace, but even that won’t help, because it was slowly killing me.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Sam quickly answers.

“Not _ever_ ,” Bobby agrees. “I think what Crowley said might happen, _is_ _happening_ , but I also think Cas thought of that.” Bobby squats down in front of Lexi, takes her cup of coffee away, and holds her hands in his. “He gave you the bonding ritual. Sure, it kept Sam’s soul safe, but I think it was meant to keep _your_ soul safe. I wasn’t there to see that house get built in my back forty, or see you and the little family you made with my boys, but Cas was. I think he gave you that bonding ritual, because he knew the minute you saw Sam again, you’d never want to let him go.” Bobby can feel the tension mixed with something he doesn’t even have the words to describe bouncing off of Sam and Lexi, but he doesn’t judge and lets it go. “The bonding ritual was Cas’s insurance policy. Bonding your soul with Sam’s? Cosmically twisting two infinitely strong things together like that? It made your soul immeasurably stronger with or without the grace. But now, you’ve got fading grace and from what it sounds like, a bond that’s not quite there anymore. Your defenses are down, and there’s nothing protectin’ you from those things that your body, mind, and soul aren’t made to go through.”

“So, now what?” Lexi asks, cold fear running through her veins.

“Well, the two most obvious options are we either rustle you up some grace, or you fix the bond. If you don’t, then we’re probably gonna get to meet all kinds of random Lexis, until we figure out somethin’ else.”

Lexi sits in her chair for a minute, not looking at Bobby or Sam. Bobby starts to say something else, but she jumps up out of her chair and rushes out of the room.

With everything Lexi’s gone through: time travel, the bond, Sam, Dean, losing everyone on more than one occasion, Bobby knew that was going to happen, especially after he poked and prodded and shined a spotlight on the obvious elephant in the room. He watches Sam’s eyes follow Lexi until she’s out of sight. “Well, go after her.”

“Bobby, she’s not…. The bond, she’s not – it’s not the same between us anymore. Might not ever be.”

“I know, that’s why I said we’d figure something else out. We always do.”

Sam internally cringes at Bobby’s choice of words, considering the conversation he and Lexi had in the truck. “I’ll be right back.”

Bobby nods his head and starts to put all his books in a pile on his desk.

-

It takes Sam just a minute to find Lexi outside, leaning against the quarter panel of her truck. He can tell she’s been crying, but when she sees him start to walk up to her, she quickly wipes her face.

“You okay?” Sam asks, even though he knows the answer.

“No.” Lexi toes at a couple of rocks in Bobby’s driveway and nudges them around with the tip of her shoe.

Sam does the same with the toe of his boot. “Because of what Bobby said, or because of what happened earlier?”

“Honestly?”

“I asked.”

“Because of what Bobby said. I know the grace won’t work; it’ll just make things worse. So, the bond is really all that’s left. This isn’t about just me anymore. If I’m bleeding random Lexis through my mind that’s falling apart, because I screwed with the time-space continuum or whatever, that means I won’t be here for Sam and Alex. I _have_ to do what’s best for them.”

“Maybe this isn’t my place,” Sam starts carefully. “I know that I’ve only been around for a little bit, but doesn’t doing what’s best for Sam and Alex also mean doing what’s best for you?”

Lexi shrugs. “Maybe, but I have to be around to take care of them. I _have_ to be.”

“But that doesn’t mean you have to do something you don’t want to do.”

“Sam, it’s not that I don’t want…. It’s not that simple.”

“It kind of is. I _felt_ how much it hurt you when you knew Dean was going to leave. I know that’s not just going to go away for you. I get it, and I’m _not_ mad.”

“Sam….” Lexi sighs.

“Really, I’m not. I already told you that if you’ll let me, I’ll stay and help you with anything that you need, and I promise I won’t ever push for anything more than what you’ve already given me. I’m getting the hang of putting diapers on Sam and Alex. I know that Alex doesn’t like eggs, that they’re ‘icky in his mouth.’ I already got a job, and I --”

Lexi’s been staring in at Sam, shocked and touched by all the things he’s saying to her, but she has to stop him, just for a second. “You got a job?”

“Yeah; Jody got me an over-night thing at the college, but my point is, I get it. We’ll figure something else out. Nothing’s going to take you away from Sam and Alex. I know you don’t think so, but we _always_ figure something else out.”

“I need a for instance, Sam. Just throw something out there for me, anything. Any idea.”

Sam thinks for a minute. “Cas. He’s gotta know _something_. We’ll call him, and he’ll give us some options. If future-Cas knew something, then this-Cas has got to have a clue, or at least know where to find out something.”

Lexi shakes her head, thinking that won’t work. “He didn’t show when I prayed to him this morning, and that was something important. He’s not going to come.”

“Then, we’ll find a spell and summon him. We’ll _make_ him show. He’s not going to let anything happen to you. He’ll help, and if he can’t, then he’ll tell us who can.”

“That could actually work,” Lexi admits, surprised, impressed, and a little bit relieved. “You really think we can do that?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time we've made something out of absolutely nothing."

“I suppose not.”

Sam leans back against the quarter panel of the truck, next to Lexi, and they stand side-by-side, just looking up at the sky.

“You’re right about everything,” Lexi says softly, not taking her eyes away from the inky-darkness above her.

Sam nods his head and smirks. It’s not very often that he’s told he’s right about everything.

“ _Except_ , that this…you and me, it’s not remotely simple. It’s just…. You’ve been here for how long? This is _so_ much. _So much_ has happened, and I can’t get my head wrapped around…. I need time.”

Still nodding his head, Sam answers truthfully, “I get it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. It’s a lot. I get it.”

Sam and Lexi stand silently outside Bobby’s house until their noses turn pink from the cool fall breeze that blows across Singer Salvage. Bobby eventually falls asleep at his desk, nose buried in a book, but Sam and Lexi stay right where they are.

An undistinguished amount of time passes, and Sam says out of nowhere, “I’ll wait, if you want me to.”

Lexi looks at Sam, a little confused. “Wait for what?”

“You.”


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since Cas didn’t show when Lexi prayed to him, Bobby, Sam, and Lexi look into finding a summoning spell for the angel. They hope that Cas can shed light on why Lexi had the strange episode where the 2014-version of herself “bled through,” (as Bobby referred to it) and if Cas can make it stop before it happens again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been four million years since I last posted a chapter.  
> Let the throwing of the rotten fruits and vegetables commence. ;)
> 
> In this chapter, we get to have a peek at a younger version of Lexi. Also, Dean has a little section where we find out what he's been doing since he left Lexi's cabin.

_Lexi looks at Sam and asks, “You’ve been here for how long?_   _This is **so**  much.  **So**_ **_much_** _has happened, and I can’t get my head wrapped around…. I need time.”_

_Still nodding his head, Sam answers truthfully, “I get it.”_

_“You do?”_

_“Yeah. It’s a lot. I get it.”_

_Sam and Lexi stand silently outside Bobby’s house until their noses turn pink from the cool fall breeze that blows across Singer Salvage. Bobby eventually falls asleep at his desk, nose buried in a book, but Sam and Lexi stay right where they are._

_An undistinguished amount of time passes, and Sam says out of nowhere, “I’ll wait, if you want me to.”_

_Lexi looks at Sam again, a little confused. “Wait for what?”_

_“You.”_

-

Sam watches Lexi take in a deep breath. Because of the bond, he _feel_ that his few words are overwhelming her. He can also see it, so he just lets the moment go.

“C’mon,” Sam says kindly and takes a step away from the truck. “Let’s go inside and check on Sam and Alex. If you want, you can get a few hours of sleep, and then we’ll figure out how to summon Cas in the morning.”

“Sam….” Lexi starts and reaches for his hand as he moves away from the truck. Her exhausted brain tries to think of a way to tell Sam how she feels about him, how she’s confused, still in shock, but she can only just look at him. The words _won’t_ come.

“I know,” Sam answers, because he does. “It’s okay.” His thumb rubs over Lexi’s hand in his, and he repeats, “I know.”

Without another word, Sam leads Lexi back into Bobby’s house. The hunter’s still asleep at his desk, his coffee cold in his mug. Sam shuts off all but one of the lamps in the office and makes sure to turn off the coffee pot in the kitchen. When he comes back, he watches Lexi drape an afghan over Bobby’s shoulders and gently pats the top of his head.

The stairs creek under their feet as they walk up to little Sam and Alex’s nursery. Sam opens the door, Lexi opens the baby gate, and the two of them soundlessly walk side-by-side over to the crib. With their hands on the wooden railing, they stand silently, watching the two little boys sleep and dream peacefully.

After Lexi straightens the blanket covering little Sam and Alex, curled around each other in their matching footie pajamas, Sam smooths their soft brown hair out of their eyes, and they both leave the nursery just as quietly as they entered it. Sam starts to go back down the stairs, but Lexi reaches for him and rests her hand on the crook of his arm.

“Sam, they shouldn’t be here.”

“Why?” He asks, confused.

“Me,” Lexi whispers with a look of pain in her eyes. “They’re not safe around me. What if I’m mid-diaper change, and I go…and I’m not _me_ again?”

The painful look in Lexi’s eyes intensifies behind another round of tears that make her eyes shine in the dimly lit hallway. “You’d _never_ hurt them,” Sam assures Lexi, “I know you, and you wouldn’t.”

One tear drips free from Lexi’s eye, but she wipes it away before it streams down her cheek. “I’d _never_ hurt you either” Her eyes drift to the thin, scabbed line on Sam’s neck and down to the one on the inside of his forearm. Then, she shamefully looks away, and her eyes overflow with hot tears. “But I did.”

Knowing that if he tries to disagree with Lexi, she won’t hear any of it, so Sam simply says, “I’m okay. _That_ won’t happen again; I won’t let it.”

He’s slow and careful when he reaches forward to wipe a tear away from Lexi’s cheek and tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Lexi lets him, and when Sam lightly rests his hand on her shoulder, he’s surprised when she leans into him.

“Shhh,” Sam gently murmurs, stroking the back of Lexi’s hair and hugging her. He can feel her trying to hold in sobs and can _feel_ how scared she is. “Nothing’s going to happen to Sam and Alex, and nothing’s going to happen to you. We’re all gonna be okay.”

For a little while, Sam and Lexi stand in the upstairs hallway of Bobby’s house. Lexi sniffs against Sam’s chest, random tears making wet spots in plaid, while Sam just holds her, vowing to himself that he’ll fix this. He’ll make it right.

“C’mon,” Sam quietly suggests when there’s a brief lull in Lexi’s tears. “I’ll drive us back to your house, and we’ll come back in the morning. Maybe Jody can hang out with the boys at her house for the day?”

Lexi nods her head, but when Sam starts to lead her back down the stairs, she looks back down the hallway. “I might have a better idea.”

“Okay. What?”

Lexi pulls away from Sam and starts to walk down the hallway away from the nursery. Of course, Sam follows.

Across the hall and two rooms down, Lexi opens a wooden door that creaks for a millisecond, but then she lifts up on the knob and presses her hand into the wood by the hinge. The squeak goes away.

Every place that Sam steps to follow Lexi, the floor creaks loudly, so he stops just outside the doorway, worried that the tiniest noise will wake up little Sam and Alex. In the dim light coming from somewhere in the hallway, Sam watches Lexi make large, awkward steps, almost calculated, as she soundlessly walks inside the room. She holds the door open for Sam, and he follows her path inside without a sound.

“Clearly, that’s not the first time you’ve done that.” Sam watches Lexi close the door, turn on the light, and stand up on her tip-toes to reach above the door frame.

“No.” Lexi whispers, still using her fingertips to feel along the high wooden door frame. “This used to be my bedroom. Before…. God, _where_ _is_ _it_?” Just as Sam moves to help Lexi find whatever she’s trying to reach, she pulls an old key down from the ledge. “This was my bedroom when I lived here.”

“When you were a teenager?”

“Yeah. The first time. Before I came back… _here_.”

Lexi locks the door, and when Sam hears the bolt slide into place, he can tell it’s a serious lock. Of course, he knows he shouldn’t be surprised; he’s at Bobby’s house, after all.

“Don’t let me out.” Lexi’s hand shakes a little bit when she gives Sam the key. “Bobby gave me ten bucks for every lock I could pick in this house, but I could never get this one.”

Sam ignores the fact that Lexi could have made a nice chunk of change back in her day with all the locks that Bobby has in the house. He takes the key from Lexi, but says, “I don’t need this.”

“Yes, you do,” Lexi insists. “My-Bobby, Sam and Dean taught me _everything_ I know. I realize that you’re you-sized, and I’m me-sized, but I can’t risk it; not with Sam and Alex here.” A strong gust of wind from outside rattles the glass in the old window frame in the wall, and Lexi’s wide eyes look over at it. “Maybe I should go downstairs….”

“ _In the panic room_?” Having been locked in there more than once – the first time when Lexi put him in there and the second time when Dean put him down there – Sam pictures Lexi down in _that_ room, random _other_ Lexis bleeding through while she’s all alone. He firmly says, “ _No_. You’re not --”

“Then, you have to promise me that if _anything_ like what happened earlier, happens again, you _won’t_ let me out of this room,” Lexi interrupts. “Knock me out, put me in a sleeper hold--”

“Lexi, I’m _not_ knocking you out!”

“If _that_ Lexi comes back again, you’ll have to, or _she’ll_ knock _you_ out. Then, she’ll have the key, she’ll get out, and if _she_ sees Sam and Alex…. _That_ Lexi had two little _girls_ , Sam, and you said that she thought you were…. Seeing everything, how _different_ it all is, it--”

“All right,” Sam cuts her off again, understanding that a scared, confused, angry, and bereaved Lexi would probably not take too well to the major differences in _this-_ Lexi’s life. “I get it. _If_ anything happens, I won’t let you out of here.”

With a huge sigh of relief, Lexi sits down on the bed in the corner of the room. “Thank you.”

“But I’m _not_ knocking you out.”

“Fine.”

Standing in front of Lexi, Sam watches her put her head in her hands and rub her face. It’s obvious that she’s exhausted. The wind still blows against the window; Bobby’s house has always been drafty, so Sam shrugs off his jacket and drapes it around Lexi’s shoulders. “You should sleep,” he gently suggests and sits down next to her. “I’ll stay right here. I won’t let anything happen.”

Very exhausted, Lexi toes off her shoes and leans back against the headboard, wrapping Sam’s jacket around her tightly. Sam sits down as well, but before he leans back against the headboard too, he reaches for the switch on the wall and shuts off the light.

An hour ticks by in Sam’s head when Lexi turns and murmurs into his shoulder, “Thank you for being here.”

In the dark, Sam smiles down at Lexi. “You’re welcome.”

Another ten minutes pass, and Lexi’s fast asleep.

Sometime around four-thirty in the morning, she shifts against Sam’s shoulder and buries her face in his chest. He shushes her when she whines in her sleep, but just a few minutes later, Lexi moans, “My head….”

“Do you have a headache? I can find you some aspirin if you want.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “It feels…weird. I’m probably just tired.”

It only takes a second for Sam to realize that Lexi’s repeating a conversation from earlier in the night, shortly before the _other_ -Lexi came. “What does it feel like?”

“Weird.”

“How? Does it hurt?”

“A little.”

“I think this is how it starts. Before, you said that your head hurt.”

Hoping that if she’s not asleep, whatever happened before _won’t_ happen again, Lexi asks, “Will you turn on the light? I don’t want to sleep anymore.”

“Yeah, but I gotta get up, okay?”

When he feels Lexi nod her head against his chest and then move away from him, Sam stands up from the bed, takes a step toward the light switch, and turns it on.

Before he can turn around, she asks in an unusually happy tone, “When did you get here?”

It’s like Sam can’t turn himself around fast enough, but when he finally does, he’s met with a look from Lexi that hasn’t seen in a _very_ long time. Her eyes are wide, there’s a huge smile on her face, and her cheeks are a happy, rosy pink. She looks _deliriously_ happy, and Sam hates that the happy look on Lexi’s face instantly lets him know that she’s not _his_ -Lexi.

Because Sam has no idea how to answer this _other_ -Lexi’s question, he asks, “What?”

“I didn’t know that you were coming,” Lexi tells him with a beaming smile. “The last time I talked to you, you said it would be another week, and then Bobby said he talked to Dean this morning and said it’d be longer.”

Sam knows that he’s got about five seconds to figure out what time _this_ Lexi is from before she starts to get suspicious. He goes through the facts: to her it’s completely normal that he’s ‘visiting’ her at Bobby’s. Clearly, she’s not married yet. She just said it’s been weeks between this time and the last time that they saw each other.

“Holy crap,” Sam whispers under his breath when he figures out it: Lexi, unmarried and living at Bobby’s house, seeing Sam sporadically. “This is _before_.”

“Sam, are you okay?”

“Yeah; I’m good,” he answers quickly because Lexi’s already got a puzzled look on her face. “Just been a _long_ day.”

Sam can tell that even though he was quick, _this_ -Lexi isn’t quite convinced, but she still says, “Oo-kay…. So, did Dean distract Bobby, so you could come up here?”

“What?”

Lexi rolls her eyes, and Sam swears it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen. “After Bobby saw you kiss me, he said that we shouldn’t…. You and me….”

It’s Sam’s turn to be puzzled. “We shouldn’t?”

The deliriously happy look goes away from Lexi’s face, and she looks almost hurt. Sam sits back down on the bed next to her and tries to recover quickly, “That’s not what I meant; _obviously_ , I think that we should….”

“Well, that’s good,” Lexi answers with a laugh. “ _Obviously_.”

Sam never knew that Bobby had objections to Lexi being with her-Sam; she never mentioned that. But as soon as the thought crosses his mind, Sam understands why. “So, Bobby doesn’t want me to be with you because I’m – because of what…because of the things I’ve--”

“What? _No_.” Lexi’s moves on the bed, so she’s kneeling next to Sam. She tucks his hair behind his ears and touches his face so lightly with the tips of her fingers. Sam tries not to enjoy it; he knows it isn’t right. He gently takes her hands away from his face and sets them in her lap.

“Sam, Bobby would _never_ think that about you, and when you told me about everything, I told you that it didn’t matter to me.” When Sam can still only just _look_ at her, Lexi asks, “How long have you been awake?”

Sam chuckles softly and thinks about everything that’s happened in the last few days. “A while.”

Lexi smiles and laughs quietly. “I can tell.”

“So, why doesn’t Bobby want…?”

Lexi laughs again, looking at Sam like he really needs a nap, but she humors him and his question. “He just thinks you’re too old for me.”

“What?”

Still with the laugh, Lexi wonders, “Did you hit your head? I’m barely twenty-one, and you’re twenty-six.”

“Right.” Sam internally kicks himself for being so dense. “I knew that. Five years is _not_ that much.”

“That’s what I say, but I think he’s still holding onto hope that I’ll decide demons and angels and apocalypses are too much, and I’ll go back to Minnesota.

Curious, Sam wonders, “Do you ever think about that?”

Shaking her head, Lexi confidently states, “I don’t belong there.”

Sam knows he shouldn’t ask, but he can’t resist. “Where do you think you belong?”

“With you,” she answers like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

When she smiles at him, Sam can’t help but smile back. This is so easy, and Sam hates that he ruined the chances of things being like this between him and Lexi. But because nearly the same amount of time has passed as when _this_ happened to Lexi before, he looks up at her, still kneeling next to him, and tries to remember how happy she looks. “I’m really glad I got to see you.”

“I’m glad I got to see you too. Do you have to--” Lexi just stops. Her smile changes to confusion and then panic. “Sam?”

“It’s okay,” Sam quickly assures Lexi when her eyes nervously dart around her old bedroom. Comfortingly rubbing her upper arms and shoulders, Sam helps her sit down on the bed in front of him and explains, “It only lasted a minute, and it wasn’t like last time.”

After a quick glance at Sam, Lexi closes her eyes. There’s a _feeling_. She can only get the tail end of it, but it’s warm, it’s simple, and it’s happy. When it starts to slip away, fear and confusion becoming more prominent, her eyes flutter back open, and Sam’s right there.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so, but I don’t want to sleep anymore.” With a little sigh, Lexi grumbles, “It’d be nice if Cas would show the hell up.”

Both Sam and Lexi wait a beat on the off-chance that the angel will show up. He doesn’t.

When the moment passes, Sam asks, “Do you want to go downstairs? Maybe find some food?”

“Not yet. I still feel….”

“Like it’s gonna happen again?”

“No.” Lexi shakes her head. “Just…kind of…dizzy, maybe? I don’t know.” While rubbing her throbbing forehead with her fingertips, she asks Sam, “What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything. We just sat right here. It wasn’t like last time.”

“But what was it like? What was _I_ like?”

A little nervous, because what Sam just witnessed feels like something that isn’t his to know, he runs a hand through his hair. “Well, it was _before_ , when you lived here…which, I guess, makes sense.” When Lexi gives him a confused look that is very much like the _other_ -Lexi’s confused look, Sam has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. “It was sometime after we… _you_ and _your_ -Sam first met.”

“Oh,” Lexi whispers and looks down at the quilt underneath of her on the bed. The remnants of feelings make sense to her.

“You said that Bobby thought Sam was too old for you.”

That makes Lexi laugh. “I forgot about that. Bobby got kind of... _paternal_ when I moved in with him. If he would have had a tower to keep me in, I would have needed to grow my hair _really_ long.”

“That sounds like something Bobby would’ve done,” Sam notes with a smile.

“He was used to hunters and guns and boots and ammo, and then I came around, barely legal and pissed off at the world. Bobby didn’t know what to do with me, but after a couple years, I think _he thought_ he had me all figured out. Then, everything changed.”

“What changed?”

“I met this guy who didn’t have the brains to kiss me where my over-protective, pseudo-dad wouldn’t see us.”

Sam remembers the journal entry that Lexi wrote about the night her-Sam played cards to win Dean’s years back. Sam’s version didn’t include Lexi, but he still remembers there was something off about that night. Even before he knew about it, Sam knew that Lexi was missing; it always felt like she was supposed to be _right there_. But because _he_ wasn’t there in Lexi’s version, Sam doesn’t feel right about offering a comment, instead he offers a half-smile.

Of course, Lexi sees the awkwardness in Sam’s half-smile. “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. I know it must be weird.”

“It’s not weird at all,” Sam insists, but then takes it back. “Well, kinda, but it’s still kind of…nice to know that things weren’t always so….”

“Always so _what_?”

It’s Sam’s turn to look down at the quilt on the bed, and he does it so Lexi doesn’t see the shame in his eyes. “Always so messed up for you.”

Despite his best efforts, Lexi still sees. “I knew the risks and how _messed up_ everything was, and I still chose to be with Sam. When he was gone, I _chose_ to come back, and the second I saw _you_ , that night, _that_ _kiss_ , it could have _never_ happened between you and me.”  

Regardless of Sam’s shame, Lexi’s comment stings. “Why?”

Knowing and _feeling_ that she just hurt Sam, Lexi sighs. “I didn’t mean it like _that_. It’s just…when I came back, I had it in my head that I was going to get it to do it all over again, that things were going to be _exactly_ the same, minus all the…bad stuff, but the second I was here, everything changed. I never got to meet you the way that I met Sam, because _I_ changed it.”

When Lexi gets quiet for a minute, Sam waits to see if she’s going to keep talking, but then she laughs softly at something she’s obviously just remembered. Sam asks, “What?”

She laughs again. “The night I met Sam, he had The Clap, and the night I met you, you were duct taped to a chair with one shoe on.”

“Not my finest hour,” Sam adds dryly, but cracks a small smile because he can’t help it.

“My point is,” Lexi starts again, all traces of laughter gone. “ _That_ night could never happen for us the way it did for me, because _that_ night was the first time I met Sam. The first time I met you…went a little differently.”

Neither Sam nor Lexi mention the fact that the first time they met, they shared _much more_ than a kiss.

“So,” Lexi quickly changes the subject, “Is there anything else that I said that made you feel like crap?”

“You didn’t say anything that made me feel like crap, but you did say something that surprised me.”

“ _Great_ ,” Lexi answers sarcastically. “What was that?”

“It’s not bad, just unexpected.” Sam fidgets under Lexi’s questioning gaze, but he still says, “You said that the things that Sam did...they didn’t matter to you.”

To Lexi, _that’s_ personal. The foundation of her relationship and marriage to her-Sam is sacred, and she’s never talked about it much. A little to Dean, some to Bobby, mostly to Jody, but even the things that she’s told Jody are small in detail.

After taking in a breath, Lexi decides that just talking to Sam is making her feel better, making her feel less scared and helpless to losing herself when the _other_ _Lexis_ come through, but not only that, what she’s about to say concerns the Sam in front of her too.

She stops, remembers _way_ back, and chooses her words carefully. Sam watches her, and he can actually see her looking for the memory.

“One night, we were sitting outside, and he just started telling me… _everything_. Demon deals and the Devil’s Gates. That he _died_ ….” Lexi’s voice cracks, and she lets her sentence trail off.

Slowly, Sam slides his hand over to Lexi’s and just barely brushes the top of her hand. “You don’t have to,” he whispers.

Lexi shakes her head and twists her fingers around Sam’s. After a blinking back a fresh round of tears and taking a deep breath, Lexi continues, “Sam said that if we were going to be together, I needed to know, so he told me about Azazel and his mom, Lilith, Lucifer, and Ruby. He explained the apocalypse: how it started…how it was supposed to end. It was like once he started, he couldn’t stop, and I just sat there and listened. Then, before we knew it, the sun was up, Dean yelled for him, and he had to go. It took a couple days for everything to really sink in.”

Sam wishes he knew the right thing to say. He doesn’t. There are no right words to say, so he quietly offers the truth, “It’s a lot to take in.”

“It was,” Lexi agrees with equal honesty, “But after four days went by with unanswered texts and phone calls, I realized that after everything, I missed him so much that it hurt. So, I found out where he was, and I drove there.”

“Wow,” Sam breathes, shocked.

Lexi shrugs. “It was important. I needed to tell him how I felt, and he needed to know.”

Sam only nods his head, and at the same time, both he and Lexi see the sun starting to come up through the window. Lexi keeps looking at the rising sun, while Sam just looks at Lexi, and he watches her say, “I knew where I supposed to be, and nothing else mattered. Ever.”

-

The morning sun that Sam and Lexi watch through the drafty window in her old bedroom wakes little Sam and Alex. Only somewhat clumsily, Sam changes their diapers, while Lexi watches from across their nursery. She doesn’t trust herself, even though Sam insists the likelihood of _that_ Lexi coming through again is almost non-existent. Lexi only shakes her head at Sam’s assurances. She won’t take the risk when it comes to the boys. Even if it’s not the violent and vengefully-grieving Lexi that shows herself, it could still be one who has two little girls and _not_ two little boys. She can’t imagine little Sam and Alex climbing into her lap and looking up at a mom who has no idea who they are.

It turns out Jody’s got things down at the Sheriff’s station to take care of that morning. When Bobby notices that Sam doesn’t insist Lexi will be okay around the boys, Bobby doesn’t say anything on the matter. Instead, he offers to take the boys back to the cabin to spend the day or however long they need to be looked after.

He pulls out all the books that he’s got on summoning spells, reminds Sam and Lexi that he’s only a phone call away, and only a little seriously asks them to not blow his house up with angel grace or anything similar. Sam and Lexi are exhausted, and they offer a half-smile at the joke as Bobby herds two cranky little boys out of the house.

As soon as the door closes, Lexi pours herself a huge cup of coffee that tastes like the same pot Bobby made the night before. When Sam hands her a mug for himself, because of the taste, Lexi fills it reluctantly, but he takes it in trade for one of the jelly-filled donuts that have probably been on Bobby’s kitchen counter for at least a handful of days.

Lexi makes a face at the donut, and Sam chuckles, turning toward the fridge. “It’s either the donut, a beer, a juice box, or beef jerky….” Ignoring the odd fact that there’s juice boxes – _of all things_ – in Bobby’s fridge, Sam lifts the bag out of the fridge and holds it up for Lexi to see. “At least _I think_ this is beef jerky.

“Juice box,” Lexi sighs and grabs the opened box of cereal from Bobby’s table, tossing the donut in the trash. “And Cheerios.”

“Breakfast of champions,” Sam adds, putting the beef jerky-ish thing back into the fridge.

As he and Lexi walk into Bobby’s office, Lexi asks, “Do you think after we _hopefully_ get Cas to fix me, we can just have a day to sleep and eat and maybe watch some TV or something?”

“Cas’ll fix you,” Sam answers firmly, “And yes, food and sleep and TV sound great right about now.”

Lexi smiles behind a sip of coffee and tilts the box of Cheerios toward Sam. He takes a handful, grabs a book for both him and Lexi, and the two of them sit on Bobby’s saggy couch.

-

Twenty minutes into digging through books, Lexi tosses her book on the floor. “Dammit! I am such an idiot!”

“No, you’re not.” Sam closes his book that has absolutely nothing in its pages to help him summon an angel.

“Yes, I am. The journal. _My_ -your dad’s journal. There’s all kinds of crap in there. I should have thought of that. I should have thought to _bring_ it.”

“Actually,” Sam starts and reaches for his leather laptop bag, “I brought it and all the papers that you wrote the other night at Jody’s house. I thought since we’re gonna summon Cas, it’d be a good idea to bring the stuff you wanted Cas to give to Dean.”

When Sam hands Lexi the stack of papers and her version of John Winchester’s leather bound journal, she starts to page through it.

“Did your-Sam and Dean ever have to _summon_ Cas?”

“Not that I know of.” Lexi shrugs her shoulders. “One time, Sam prayed to him and lied about….” She chuckles and looks up at the ceiling. “Uh, Cas…. Umm, Sam found this gold box. Apparently, Nazis were after it back in the day. Someone opened it and their face melted off….”

Confused, Sam whispers, “Isn’t that the plot from _Raiders_?”

When Cas still doesn’t show, Lexi rolls her eyes. “Yeah, but it worked _before_.”

“So…the Ark of the Covenant is _real_?”

Lexi smirks at Sam’s question, because of course he’d ask. “I guess.”

A minute passes, and Lexi stops on a page in the journal about Wendigo. Sam only watches and lets another three minutes go by. “Are you okay?”

There’s a brief pause, Lexi flinches, but nods her head and turns a page in the journal. “Yeah. It’s nothing.”

Sam’s not quite convinced. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah; I’m sure,” Lexi answers, but it still doesn’t convince Sam. Against his better judgement, he lets it go.

For a little while, they read over old case notes together. Much to Sam’s dismay, Lexi seems focused on Donnie Finnerman, the archangel, Raphael’s vessel. In the journal, there’s a few paragraphs written by Lexi’s-Dean that talk about how Cas said that there’s ‘almost always an open phone line between a vessel and his angel. One just has to know how to dial’ and have holy oil.

Lexi almost cries tears of joy when she sees the Enochian that Cas spoke written out phonetically on the page.

Sam, on the other hand, isn’t feel the relief that Lexi obviously is. “Maybe you were while I was gone or before you came back here, but this reads like you would have had to have been _Cas’s vessel_ for this to work.”

“I wasn’t, but I still have at least _some_ of his, or my-Cas’s grace left. That would connect us kind of like Donnie and Raphael, wouldn’t it?”

Sam considers it for a second. “Works for me.” Then, he has a thought and points to the journal. “Can’t I see that for a sec?”

Lexi nods her head and hands it to him.

Flipping forward through the pages and documented cases that a different version of himself worked, Sam stops when he sees the name, Anna Milton. “Anna was a fallen angel, and we took her to where we thought her grace would be.”

“The tree. I remember the story.”

Not that Sam thinks Lexi would lie to him, but he has to stop and really look at her. The thought of sitting down and telling _anybody_ his whole story is overwhelming to Sam. Sure, Dean knows, but Lexi’s-Sam actually told her _everything_ , word for word, case for case, dark secret for dark secret, and like Lexi said, she just _sat there and listened_. It makes Sam feel vulnerable and comforted all at the same time, and he doesn’t really know what to do with it.

“Sam really told you everything, didn’t he?”

“Well, not all in one day,” Lexi teases, trying to make the mood a little bit lighter.

It works. The corner of Sam’s mouth turns up. “Well, that’s good, because that’d be one long day.”

“It would,” Lexi agrees with a smile.

Unable to decide exactly how the idea of telling Lexi _everything_ makes him feel, Sam goes back to what he was talking about before. “So, Anna could feel her grace, even though Uriel took it out of the tree.”

“So, you’re saying it’s possible that Cas can feel the part of his grace that I have?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how we could work everything together, but it’s --”

“My blood.”

“What? _Why_?”

“The last day that I was in 2014, Bobby, Cas, Crowley, and me, we were all standing in this room. When Cas gave me that little bit of his grace, I felt it everywhere: my skin, bones, teeth, hair, fingernails…blood.”

“Okay; so, mix a little bit of your blood with holy oil?”

“Worth a shot, but does Bobby even _have_ holy oil?”

“I’ll check his stash.”

“I’ll check Cas’s old bedroom.”

When Lexi gets up and goes in the direction of the room that Cas used when he was human and lived with Bobby, Sam gets up and checks the many, many places where he knows Bobby keeps more delicate and rare ingredients and objects. It’s in the fifth place that Sam looks where he finds a clay urn of holy oil, but when he gets back into Bobby’s office, Lexi’s still not back from Cas’s old bedroom.

Immediately, there’s a heavy feeling in Sam’s stomach, and he can _feel_ something’s wrong. He’s quick when he makes his way to Cas’s bedroom and finds her sitting on the end of a bed, staring at the wall with glassy eyes and her head tilted to the side.

Not knowing how long she’s been sitting like that, Sam softly calls out her name, “Lexi?”

After a brief pause, Lexi flinches, but then turns to look up at Sam. “Did you find the holy oil?”

“Yeah,” Sam answers slowly. “What happened just there?”

“I don’t know,” Lexi tells him. “But it’s getting worse. I _need_ Cas.”

“Okay,” Sam agrees without asking anymore questions, even though he wants to. “We’ll do this right now.”

*//*

Dean feels like he’s been driving _forever_. He’s driven north. He’s driven south. He’s driven both east and west, and yet the angel in the passenger seat keeps silent.

“Cas, I’m gonna have to stop and get gas soon.”

Cas’s vacant expression doesn’t change, but he grabs a map from the glove box. “There’s a store just up the highway.” He points at their location on the map. “We’re in Jefferson City, Missouri.”

“I _know_ where we are,” Dean grumbles, grabs the map from Cas, and tosses it into the backseat of the car.  

Two minutes later, Dean parks in front of the pump at a Gas ‘n Sip, and he gets out to stretch his back. Vertebra crack, and he groans at how it both aches and feels good. His back’s been messed up for a couple of days now. The bed in the last motel room blew, mattress all saggy and hard at the same time. _How the hell does that even work?_

While Dean’s filling the Impala up with gas, Cas gets out of the car, and Dean watches him turn his head like he’s listening to something. He’s noticed that Cas has been doing that a lot lately, like he’s listening in on a conversation that Dean can’t hear.

“What’s wrong?” Dean demands, when he sees guilt on Cas’s face.

Cas only answers, “Nothing.”

“Bullshit. What’s goin’ on? Angel Radio finally tellin’ you what the hell I’m supposed to be doin’?”

“No.”

“Then, what?! And don’t try to tell me it’s nothin’, because you’re a shit liar.”

Cas rolls his eyes. It’s one of the few human habits that Dean’s noticed Cas has held on to since he got his grace back. “Lexi has been praying to me.”

Panic makes Dean about drop the gas pump nozzle. “Is she hurt? Sam? The boys? Bobby?”

“No,” Cas lies. Despite what Dean thinks, Cas _can_ do that now.

“Then, why is she praying to you? If she needs somethin’, then go. I can in drive circles across the country by myself.”

“The rules, Dean. Gabriel said --”

“ _He_ said that _I_ can’t see them until my friggin’ _test_ is done.” Dean looks up at the sky and shouts, “BE NICE IF SOMEONE WOULD HOP OFF THEIR LOFTY PERCH AND TELL ME WHERE THE HELL TO START!!!” He tosses a wave and a, “Hi, how ya doin’?” to the mom who quickly ushers her kids into a mini-van, away from the ‘crazy guy shouting at the sky.’ 

Cas rolls his eyes again. “Just like you, I am waiting for instruction.”

Dean’s not even going to touch _that_. Heaven can kiss his ass. They were quick to get him on the road, and now that he’s there…radio-god-dammed-silence. “So, what? You’re just gonna ignore Lex?”

“Yes.”

“How long’s she been praying to you?”

“Since we left.”

Dean knows he left in a shit way. He knows he didn’t say good-bye, and yes, he feels like a dick. He wants to throw the gas nozzle across the parking lot. Instead, he puts it back into the pump. “She’s not gonna stop. I know you know that, and she’ll try anything.”

“She prayed to me about a half an hour ago and said that Sam found the Ark of the Covenant.”

“Like from _Raiders_?” Dean can’t help but be impressed and smiles for the first time in days.

“Yes. I watched the movie with Bobby. The chances of Sam finding the actual Ark are very slim.”

“So, it’s real? Gold box that melts your face off?”

“It’s real.”

In spite of everything, Dean has to chuckle to himself, because he knows that Sam has to be _loving_ the fact that The Ark of the Covenant is real. Then, he tells Cas, “I hope you realize that if Lex wants you to show, between her and Sammy, they’ll figure out a way to _make_ you show.”

Cas turns his head again, like he’s listening to a conversation that Dean can’t hear.

Dean sighs and marches into the Gas ‘n Sip to pay for his gas.

*//*

Sam’s just poured some of the holy oil into a chalice that he found on Bobby’s desk. He takes his silver knife out of his jeans pocket, and Lexi gives him her hand without him having to ask. Right alongside the cut that he made almost exactly four years ago when he and Lexi did the bonding ritual, Sam makes a shallow cut into the palm of her hand. She flinches, and then the scars on both Sam’s and Lexi’s palms tingle.

When blood trickles to the surface, Sam grabs the chalice and lets Lexi’s blood drip into the holy oil. After, he pulls a bandana from his pocket and wraps Lexi’s hand, closing her fist for her.

“Thanks,” she murmurs softly.

Sam nods his head and stirs the oil and blood with the knife blade. “So, make the circle, say the Enochian, and when Cas shows, light the oil?”

“I guess,” Lexi answers. “Bobby’s going to be pissed about his floor.”

“He’ll get over it,” Sam says confidently.

Lexi’s heart races as she watches Sam make the circle around her. “This is going to work, right?”

“It will.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then, we’ll figure out another way.” Sam remembers the drive to Bobby’s the night before and how Lexi told him they don’t always find another way. He gets how Lexi could think that, considering everything that she’s been through, but Sam vows that if for some reason Cas doesn’t show, he’ll find another way. “We always find another way.”  

Lexi sees the seriousness and determination on Sam’s face. She takes a deep breath and nods her head. “Okay.”

Backing away from Lexi and the circle of holy oil, Sam holds the journal in his hands and reads the Enochian in future-Dean’s handwriting. When Sam’s done, he and Lexi hold their breaths and look at each other, waiting.

Just when their lungs start to burn, there’s a rustling of feathers. The second that Cas appears, Sam yanks Lexi out of the circle just as he drops a lit match on the holy oil.

Cas looks at the burning holy oil, then Sam and Lexi. “I’m fairly certain that Bobby will not be happy about his floor.”

 

 

 

 

  
 


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi and Sam have been praying to Cas for days, but he’s never answered. They prayed to him after Lexi had the dream about her-Sam completing The Trials, because she saw all the details on how to complete each trial and wanted Dean to have them. They’ve also been praying to Cas because after Lexi had the vision at Jody’s house, Lexi was left with a stack of papers and a distinct feeling that they were meant for Dean. Cas never showed when they prayed to him about either of those things, and now that other Lexis are _bleeding through_ , both Sam and Lexi needs Cas’s help more than ever.   
> Bobby hypothesized that it was Lexi’s lack of grace that was making everything happen and that fixing the soul bond between Lexi and Sam would be way to stop the _other_ Lexi’s from coming. Sam knows that only a short time has passed since Dean left. He also knows that Lexi’s just not ready, so he promises that they’ll find another way. Together, Lexi and Sam manage to piece together a ritual and a theory and summon Cas with some Enochian, Lexi’s blood, and holy oil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The term that Cas uses for what Lexi’s been experiencing is something that I made up in my head. However, upon talking to ladyataralasse about my ideas, she informed me that while I may have come up with the idea on my own, it already existed. So, there you have it. It may or may not be the way other fandoms have described it, but this is how I pictured it in my head.

Just a fraction of a second before Sam drops the lit match into the holy oil, he yanks Lexi out of the circle. It wasn’t discussed, it wasn’t part of the plan, but at the last second, Sam realized that there were too many unknown variables and that the summoning ritual was a shot in the dark at best.

Both demons and angels have taken Lexi right in front of Sam’s eyes too many time before. Sam’s just got Lexi back, and a fierce protectiveness runs through him. It feels wrong to have a burning ring of holy oil separating Lexi from him, especially given recent events.

After Cas appears, there’s a minute where the only sound is the crackling of the burning holy oil. Cas’s eyes look between Lexi and Sam, Sam watches both Cas and Lexi, but Lexi only looks at Cas. Both of them can see the hurt grow on her face, but Sam can _feel_ it.

“Why wouldn’t you come when I prayed?” Lexi asks with all the visible hurt coming through in her voice. Cas has been a part of her life and one of her very best friends for years, and because he refused to help her when she needed it most, Lexi is understandably feeling very betrayed.

“I am under strict orders,” Cas explains from within his ring of burning holy oil. “Dean is not allowed to see either you or Sam, and I have been waiting for instr --”

“ _Dean’s_ not allowed to see us,” Lexi parrots back angrily, clearly making the distinction, “But _you_ could have come.”

“My orders are to --”

Sam quickly cuts off the angel, “How many times have you ignored your _orders_ for me and Dean?” He’s tried to keep quiet. Sam’s tried not to let his frustration toward Cas come through in his actions over the last couple of days. He’s tried to stay calm to comfort Lexi, but as Cas stands there making excuses for why he couldn’t – _wouldn’t_ – come when Lexi prayed to him, Sam gets pissed. He can _feel_ that Lexi’s upset, and it makes the protectiveness that he’s always felt flame through him. Sam doesn’t care about Cas’s orders. “Lexi needed- _needs you_ , and you couldn’t have taken _five damn minutes_ to see what we’ve been _constantly_ praying about?!”

Castiel lifts his chin and opens his mouth to restart his speech about his orders, but before he starts, he stops. The desperation masked in anger that radiates from Sam is just as strong as the betrayal coming from Lexi. Shame overcomes Cas, and his blue eyes flicker apologetically to Lexi’s.

As soon as Lexi sees the look on Cas’s face, she instantly understands the angel’s unspoken words. She interprets for Sam, “Cas didn’t show when I prayed to him, because he already knows what’s wrong with me, and he can’t fix me.” Lexi sighs in defeat and sits down on the couch with her head in her hands.

There’s only a few feet inside the burning holy oil for Cas to move around in, but he moves to the furthest side closest to Lexi. With his deep voice as kind as he can make it, Cas explains, “What you’ve been experiencing is a kind of temporal distortion. Bobby’s theories were right; humans are not made to do the things that you’ve done. Crossing your timeline, changing events, and rewriting your own history: there are consequences. Put simply, your mind can not differentiate between your past and the actual present. Your brain _thinks_ that you are in one time, but your body is living in another. Living _dually_ , for lack of a better term, your brain doesn’t know what to think or what is actually real.”

“So, it’s not _another me_ coming through.” Lexi looks up at Cas. “It’s my brain not knowing where to be: here, or the past, or the future.”

Cas nods his head in agreement. “It’s more complicated than that, but yes. There is _the_ past, and then there’s _your_ past; same with the future.”  

“There are other things,” Lexi starts slowly, her eyes looking back and forth between Sam and Cas. “It’s like a get a memory in my head, and it plays over and over and over again. I can’t make it stop. I know when it’s happening, but I can’t…get out of it.”

“It’s the same thing,” Cas says, eyes flicking briefly to Sam, explaining to him as well. “It’s your consciousness not knowing where to be.”

“She just stares,” Sam adds, unable to hide the worry in his voice when he realizes that’s what Lexi was doing when she was staring at the wall in Cas’s old bedroom.

Cas nods his head confirming the temporal distortion symptoms.

“And you never thought to mention this to me when you were at my house practically every day?” Lexi asks in a bitter tone. “Cas, I know you were human, but you had to have known that it was a possibility.”

“I thought that if all this time had gone by and you showed no symptoms that somehow the remnants of grace your-Castiel gave you were keeping you safe, but I think _now_ that’s not enough. You _must_ have a link to this time. Your-Castiel gave you the soul bonding ritual to bond you with Sam.” Cas watches Lexi and Sam share a look, then adds, “He’s the _only thing_ that can keep you here.”

Looking away from Sam and back at Cas, Lexi asks, “And by _keep me here,_ you mean keep my consciousness here? So, I don’t end up _stuck_ like Donnie Finnerman.”

Cas sighs. “Donnie is different. His mental state is from being a vessel for an archangel, but the end result is similar.”

Sam’s been silently, but diligently, following along with the conversation between Lexi and Cas. Under the surface, he’s seething mad and scared to death that his ‘other way’ isn’t going to work, but he pushes all that down and asks the question that’s on both his and Lexi’s mind, “If _you_ can’t fix Lexi, what about Gabriel, or some other angel?”

Confusion wrinkles Castiel’s forehead. “You don’t need an angel to fix this; you and Lexi can do this yourselves. You know the how to stop this. Bobby explained it all, and he _told_ you what must be done.”

Thinking that he was wrong all along – and that Lexi was right: they don’t always find another way – Sam’s face falls, but Lexi jumps up off the couch and really looks at Cas, studies his face. “You’re lying.”

Sam’s eyes dart back up to Cas. He looks for whatever tell Lexi is seeing that makes her sure Cas is lying, but whatever it is, Sam doesn’t see it.

It doesn’t matter that Sam can’t see Cas’s tell; Lexi can. “If you knew that Bobby explained everything to me and that his theories were right, that he told us the bonding ritual was the way to fix this, that means you were listening or you were… _here._ And if you were listening or here, you’d know why…why I’m not _ready_ for _that_. You wouldn’t be pushing this. You’d be _helping_ me.”

“Lexi, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I _am_ helping you,” Castiel insists innocently.

“Don’t you _dare_ lie to me!” Lexi yells angrily, pacing around the burning holy oil. “Like I said before, you were in my house almost every day for the better part of the last year and a half. You were human. You might be all angel’d up now, but I _know_ you.”

Cas looks to Sam for some sort of assistance that he should know he’s not going to get. Believing Lexi one hundred percent, Sam only glares at him, and Cas looks back to Lexi. “I swear, I don’t know --”

“Cas, you of _all people_ should know why this is so difficult for me. You were there! You saw me and Dean….” Lexi’s voice cracks with betrayal, heartache, and so many other emotions that she can’t name them, but so Sam doesn’t have to see the tears in her eyes, she turns away from him and looks directly at Cas. “You saw hard it was for me to be with Dean in the beginning, but _you_ encouraged me! You know what we had! Then, you come in here, and the first thing that you say is you have your orders. That’s not _you_ talking, Cas; that’s Heaven.” Lexi shakes her head in disgust. “I can’t believe you! You’re really back to listening to Heaven, and they put out specific orders for you _not_ to fix me. Why?”

Cas holds his façade for another minute, but then it’s gone. There’s no use lying anymore; Lexi’s completely right. “You’re supposed to help yourselves….” He gestures awkwardly between her and Sam. “You and Sam.”

“ _Supposed to_?” Lexi growls, then pinches the bridge of her nose when her head starts to throb. “You mean to tell me that this is all a plan? _Heaven’s_ plan?”

“Lexi,” Sam carefully interjects after watching her wince like she’s in pain. Worry and protectiveness take over when signs of the temporal distortion that Cas was talking about start to show themselves again. Sam starts to lead her back toward the couch, suggesting, “Maybe you should sit down.” Silently insisting that she’s fine, Lexi shrugs him off her of her, but Sam doesn’t go far.  

“Heaven’s plan was The Apocalypse,” Lexi starts again, her distain for Heaven very clear. “Heaven’s plan was to dump me in some cell after torturing me for God _literally_ only knows how long. Then, they kicked me out, just in time to see Sam gone again. So, I suppose it was Heaven’s _plan_ for me to be with Dean, wasn’t it?”

Cas slowly nods his head, his shame evident in the little motion.

With more anguish than anger, Lexi asks, “ _Why_?”

“Lexi, I can’t tell --”

The anger in Lexi takes back over. “ _Fine_. So, it was Heaven’s plan for me to be with Dean. Then, they send Sam back, then send Dean on some holy mission, my brain goes nuts, and less than a week in, I’m just supposed to forget all about the part of the plan that lasted almost two years?”

“Lexi, I know how difficult this must be for --”

“You don’t know crap,” Lexi snaps indignantly, “but _I know_ if _this_ is all Heaven’s plan, then there’s a reason. There’s _always_ a reason.” She looks at Sam, silently asking him to help her figure out what Cas can’t – or _won’t_ – say.

Because Sam’s got a steel-trap memory, it takes him just a second to start to put pieces together. “When Gabriel saved me, he said I had a test. Gabriel also told Dean that he had his test, and that Lexi’s wasn’t done. So, this is all about the tests?”

“Yes,” Cas admits, knowing that if he doesn’t, he’s not getting out of the holy oil any time soon.

Lexi angrily scoffs. “Well, you can remind Gabriel _and_ God that I don’t give a shit about their tests. I prayed to them every day, and they _never_ answered my prayers. My life was _leveled_ when Sam and my girls died. And then Dean too? Then, I come back here….” Lexi pauses to look around Bobby’s house, the burning holy oil, and back at Sam. Her eyes stay on him for just a second, and her heart clenches at how everything in this life is so different than what she ever knew was possible. Frustrated, she throws her hands up in the air and looks back at Cas. “I didn’t fix _anything_! In fact, I screwed up just about everything!”

“Lexi, you didn’t screw up anything,” Sam adds softly, reaching up to gently rub her shoulder. “None of this is your fault.”

Not taking her eyes off of Cas, Lexi hears what Sam tells her, but because she has a plan, she continues, “The minute I got here, and I realized that the spell had gone wrong, that I wasn’t in Cold Oak, I prayed for help. No one _ever_ answered. Not when I prayed for a way to save Dean from going to Hell. Not when I begged for Sam to be saved. Not when Dean used to have panic attacks so bad that he couldn’t even breathe, and not when I was bleeding on my kitchen floor feeling my baby die. _No one_ came to help me.”

As Lexi catches her breath from her outpouring of frustration, she tries to compose herself and pretends that she doesn’t see the shocked look on Sam’s face. He knows from what Lexi wrote in his journal that she and Dean lost a baby, but there weren’t any details. There wasn’t any mention of Dean’s panic attacks, and the thought that Lexi and Dean had to do it all on their own and had no idea that Sam was actually safe adds to the frustration, anger, and sadness that builds inside of Sam. However, he’s got a pretty good idea where Lexi’s going with this: she’s calling heaven’s bluff. Sam waits.

“So, if Heaven’s got a plan, they need to help me, first. They _owe_ me.” Lexi continues with her plan, chin held high and her voice firm. “If they don’t, and I end up drooling in a cup, I guarantee _both_ Sam and Dean are _done_. They won’t help you, and they won’t help Heaven. So, unless they’ve got another long-lost Winchester _and_ Garrison to yank off the bench and do their damn tests, I suggest that you fix me, _now._ ”

Once again, the only sound in Bobby’s house is the crackling of the burning holy oil. Lexi glares at Cas, Cas keeps eye contact, and Sam looks between the two of them, waiting.

After a painfully quiet moment goes by, Sam feels like the silence has grown awkward, stretched out, and too long. Oddly enough, Cas feels it too, but then cocks his head to the side and studies Lexi. Immediately, he sees what’s happening in the silence and how Lexi is slowly fading away inside of her own mind. He looks to Sam. “Catch her.”

As soon as the words are said, Lexi's knees buckle as she grabs her forehead and gasps something about pain. When she blindly reaches for Sam, he gathers her up, brings her back to the couch, and sits down, bracing himself for whatever version of Lexi is going to show up next, but when he looks down at her, she’s just staring.

Quickly, but gently as possible, Sam holds Lexi’s face in his hands. “Lexi, you gotta come back.”

Lexi doesn’t look at him; just looks at what seems to be nothing. Sam remembers that Lexi explained this as reliving a memory over and over again, unable to stop it or get out. A heavy, _heavy_ feeling settles in Sam’s stomach.

“No, no, _no.”_ Sam shakes her. “Lexi, no. You _have_ to look at me.”

When Lexi only continues to stare, Castiel moves to the furthest edge of the burning holy oil, cautious of its flames. “Sam, let me out.”

Sam doesn’t look back at Cas, but does ask, “If I do, are you going to fix her, or are you just going to bail, _again_?”

“Sam….” Cas sighs guiltily. “If I did, it would only be a temporary fix. _You_ are what keeps her here. _You_ have to do it. Bobby was wrong; the entire ritual wouldn’t need to be reworked. After all this time, you and Lexi are _still_ connected. Just one kiss, and the bond will be whole again.”

Though Sam remembers more of what he felt during the ritual than the actual details, he does remember that it was the kiss they shared that sealed the bond. As he strokes Lexi’s cheek and tucks the fly-away hairs behind her ears, he confesses, “I want to, but I can’t. I promised we’d find another way. Cas, _I promised_ her.”

“But you love her,” Cas insists. “She loves you; surely, you must know that. I can see how she looks at you and what she’s thinking when she sees you. I can --”

“Stay out of her head,” Sam growls and twists himself around, like shielding Lexi from Cas will make a difference. “Don’t…. Just, don’t do that.”

Pursing his lips, Cas stays quiet for a minute, then adds, “The two of you are _supposed_ to be together, and that’s why the bonding ritual worked to begin with. You’re her soulmate, and _you_ can make all of this go away for her. You don’t know which memory she’s reliving, right now.”

Sam finally turns his head around to look up at Cas. “Which one?”

Ignoring Sam’s demand for him to stay out of Lexi’s head, Cas looks into her mind again. He looks at the memory skipping in her mind like the needle continuously jumping back and forth on the groove of a record. Cas sees the repetitive flames of a fire flicker, hears screaming and a gun shot on a loop, and then over and over again, he feels loss that he almost can’t comprehend. “The worst one that she has.”

“Jesus,” Sam whispers and tucks Lexi’s face closer to his chest, wishing he could block everything out. “I can’t, Cas. It’s not my decision to make. I can’t just _make_ her….”

“Just so you know, if she doesn’t come back, there’s nothing _anybody_ \- you or Heaven can do to fix her.”

“Then fix her _right_ _now_!” Sam shouts angrily. “Heaven owes her! Owes all of us! And she’s right, if something happens to her, I’m done! And Dean? You’ll have to find someone else to do The Trials and close The Gates of Hell, because he’ll walk! You let this happen to Lexi, and Dean’ll _never_ help you or Heaven again!”

Shocked, Cas stares at Sam through the flames of the holy oil. “How do you know about The Trials? What do you know about them?”

Still holding Lexi in his arms, Sam points to a stack of papers across the room. “The Trials. Every instruction, every detail needed to shut up Hell forever. And you can have them, _if_ you fix Lexi.”

Cas has been riding with Dean, travelling in every which direction for days, waiting to start a mission with which they had no instructions to complete. Gabriel offered no assistance; he only said that instructions would make themselves known. Those instructions sit five feet away from Cas, and they can be his, he just has to defy Heaven.

Lexi stares at nothing, motionless and _gone_ as can be, and inside Sam, there’s a war going on. Cas is right, Lexi would be safe if Sam just kissed her. With their souls completely bonded again, the temporal distortions would stop and there’d be no worry about Lexi’s mind getting lost between her past and the _actual_ present, but because Sam is who is he is, he _could never_ do it. Choices of Sam’s own have been stripped from him over and over again, and he could never do that to Lexi. Instead, he chooses to trust her, to keep his word, and to find another way.

“Gabriel promised,” Sam adds, pulling Lexi even closer to him, trying to be protective in any way that he can. “He promised Dean that if he left, Lexi and the boys would be safe _forever_. How is _this_ keeping her safe?”

“Because _you’re_ supposed to keep them safe,” Cas answers simply.

“If she lets me, I will,” Sam promises. “I swear, I won’t screw it up this time, but if I just choose for her, if I _make_ her be with me, I’m screwing it up before I even get a chance to start.” Looking back at Cas, Sam tries one more time. “Heaven owes her so much, but Cas, so do I. All she wants is time, help me give it to her.”

After a long minute, regardless of his orders, Cas nods his head. Lexi needs time, Sam needs help giving it to her, and Dean needs the instructions for The Trials. Cas chooses the Winchesters over Heaven, once again. “I will, but you have to let me out.”

-

Once the burning holy oil is extinguished, Cas crouches down next to Sam and Lexi. He brushes his fingers along her brow, lightly touches each of her temples, then presses his hand against her skin above her heart, moving on to rest his hand on her stomach.

Watching Cas carefully, Sam asks, “What are you doing?”

“Seeing how advanced the temporal distortions are. Once a certain point is reached, there is no coming back. Lexi is not there.”

A stuttered sigh of relief falls out from between Sam’s lips. “So, what’re you going to do?”

“It’s already done,” Cas answers, using his hand to follow the same path up Lexi’s body, ending when he traces her brow with his fingertips. “It’s practically made of glass, but it’s all I could do.”

“What’s made of glass? Cas, what did you do?”

“It’ll last months, maybe less. It’s so delicate, fragile, and imperfect, but it divides her past from her present- keeps them separate.”

“ _What_ does?! You didn’t answer my question. What the hell did you do to her?”

“I put up a… _partition_ in her mind. It will keep the memories of her past from mixing with the ones of the present.”

“You can’t take that away from her!” Sam insists. “What she had before she came here, Lexi _needs_ that- those memories! That was her life!”  

“I know.” Cas nods his head. “And she’ll keep them. Lexi was able to make the distinction in her memories, what was then and what is now, but her mind wasn’t. I simply put up the partition to segregate her past from the present. I didn’t take anything away, and I didn’t hide anything; just made a clear division.”

“And it’ll work?”

“It’s working right now.” Both Cas and Sam look back at Lexi. Her eyes are closed, and her breathing is slow and steady; she’s sleeping. “The memories that Lexi clings to, the ones that she thinks of most will take longer to fall into line. She will sleep until all memories are where they are supposed to be, but if she wakes too soon, the lingering memories could surface. If that happens, this will take longer. She _needs_ to sleep.”

Vowing not to move from his place on the couch until Lexi wakes up, Sam asks, “How long?”

Cas stands up and shakes his head while shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know, but you’ll know when she wakes up on her own. But you need to know that because I made the partition permeable, so that Lexi can see and remember her past, that makes it so much weaker. It will only stand for a short time. My estimation for how long this will last, is _only_ an estimation. The partition is not meant to be in her mind; it _will_ fall, then these distortions will become more frequent. They will be deeper, last longer, and more difficult for her to recover from, and, eventually, if her soul is not bonded to yours, she _will_ be lost between her past and the present. Once that happens --”

“I got it,” Sam interrupts. “Once that happens, there’s nothing else anyone can do.”

“Right. Sam, you said she needed time, and this is the best that I can do. The rest is up to you and Lexi.”

Not moving a muscle, so that he doesn’t wake Lexi prematurely, Sam has to ask, “Any side effects?”

“It’s hard to say,” Cas answers. “It could be something as small as short-term memory loss and confusion, or something as large as her mind rejecting the partition, but I suspect if that were going to happen, we would have seen signs.”

“Which would be?”

“I don’t know,” Cas admits. “I know of no precedence for this, but I’m confident that you will be able to tell if something is not right with Lexi.” After a minute, Cas walks over and picks up the stack of papers that Sam promised him if he helped Lexi. “Where did you get these?”

“I don’t really know what it was,” Sam explains, keeping his voice soft to let Lexi sleep. “The first time, Lexi said it was just a dream, and the second time, it was like a vision, like she was watching something that wasn’t there. She couldn’t shut it off or slow it down and just kept saying, ‘It’s so fast. _He’s_ making me see.’”

Hardly taking his eyes away from the stack of papers, Cas quickly says, “She’s not a prophet. I know all their names.”

“Well, that’s what she said.” Sam shrugs his shoulders. “She said that she thought they were for Dean, that they were basically a how-to manual to close The Gates of Hell.”

After thumbing through a few more pages, Cas sees dried blood spattered on the stark white pages. He shows the page to Sam. “During the vision?”

“Yeah. She got a bloody nose a couple of times. That normal?”

“It would make sense,” Cas answers without really answering, then tucks the pages under his arm. “Dean doesn’t know about any of this, and I will not tell him. However, he is well, and I will tell him that you and Lexi are the same. He is angry and confused, but this will help. It will give him direction and purpose; you know how important that is to him.”

Before Sam can get another word in, Cas is gone.


End file.
